Transcript
Speaker: Hi, Dani.
Speaker: We are back.
Speaker: We are here.
Speaker: Yeah, yes.
Speaker: And we have not like a...
Speaker: not precursor, not like a disclaimer, but just like a thing to just be open and honest and transparent that it's a little tender this week.
Speaker: This week is a little tender.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: I have lost, I had to put down my puppy of nine years very unexpectedly.
Speaker: And so I've just been, that was three days ago, I believe, or two days or four days ago.
Speaker: And sweet Cass is on day one of an intense period of
Speaker: And we both checked in of like, are we, do we want to?
Speaker: Are we okay?
Speaker: Do we want to record?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like should we do like boundaries, you know, like take care of ourselves and we, we want to, so we're here.
Speaker: And because of that, we thought a good topic for this episode would be moving through grief, pain, discomfort, and just navigating that.
Speaker: No, I love that.
Speaker: Also, guys, I promise you, in no way was I equating my period pains to my dear Dani's experience.
Speaker: I want you to know.
Speaker: But that also just comes... Don't come for her.
Speaker: Don't come for me.
Speaker: But that also just comes from somebody who...
Speaker: loves animals dearly and has lost animals of her own.
Speaker: So I think that's why we checked in.
Speaker: And there's, it's, I always, this is one of my hard stances where I'm like, people who don't like animals, I'm highly skeptical and suspicious of you.
Speaker: But the people who do love and know animals, it's just such a rare and special feeling.
Speaker: And I think that's why people who are on the other side of that kind of think we're crazy.
Speaker: But just there's nothing as magical as loving.
Speaker: Loving a little animal.
Speaker: Give me two seconds, Annie.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: My animal now has decided to ask to leave the room after I said those lovely words.
Speaker: We got to give them what they want.
Speaker: Goodbye.
Speaker: Goodbye.
Speaker: Bye, chickens.
Speaker: Bye, little chickens.
Speaker: What are their names again, Cass?
Speaker: Coco and Charlie.
Speaker: Coco and Charlie.
Speaker: How old are they?
Speaker: They're like three years old.
Speaker: My parents got them during the pandemic.
Speaker: My sweet little mutts.
Speaker: Oh, gosh.
Speaker: Yeah, that's what Cub was.
Speaker: Just such a good girl.
Speaker: And yeah, pet grief or just the loss of a pet is so – I mean, I'm speaking for myself.
Speaker: It's so –
Speaker: Just like heartbreaking.
Speaker: And it was definitely my first grief, which I feel very lucky.
Speaker: I feel very fortunate that my first experience with grief was when I was in my 30s.
Speaker: I was 31 or 32 when I lost my dog Opie of nine years.
Speaker: then this is the second one that I've experienced.
Speaker: And I've had some family members pass away, but they were like estranged family members and ones that I didn't have a relationship whatsoever.
Speaker: So I'm fortunate that I haven't experienced that with like a human being.
Speaker: But yeah, pet grief is real.
Speaker: And especially with, I've been getting so many messages from people who have lost their pets as well.
Speaker: And it's kind of just the same
Speaker: sentiment all around where people are like, it's the worst.
Speaker: And like, they're just like, it fucking sucks.
Speaker: It sucks.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's like, yeah, it does.
Speaker: And I've been trying, you know, like when it all happened, long story short, it was very unexpected.
Speaker: We had to take her to the emergency vet and we were told that she had a condition around her heart that apparently happens to older German shepherds.
Speaker: And that to save her, or not really save her, but to even get some insight, if we could save her, it would be a very invasive next few days of different surgeries and different procedures.
Speaker: And that with what they were seeing, it's already a very low success rate, but with what they were seeing in the ultrasound, it was like,
Speaker: They were just like, we got to be real and set expectations.
Speaker: And I was like, that's totally fine.
Speaker: And I was like, she's just not going to go out like that.
Speaker: That's not how she's going to go out.
Speaker: So we decided to put her down.
Speaker: And like definitely –
Speaker: Once we were leaving after she had been put down, my partner and I just like bawled.
Speaker: We were so sad and like couldn't sleep, couldn't eat for the next few days.
Speaker: It was really difficult.
Speaker: And then I just was like, okay, it's time to bring in some balance.
Speaker: Like it's time to – grief definitely deserves a spot at my table, but it just can't be all encompassing.
Speaker: Like I will just get so lost in it.
Speaker: And it's also like that is not what my dog would want either.
Speaker: It's true.
Speaker: You know, like, yeah, that's not – and I think that's a really slippery slope to become a victim of my own life, which is never something I'm interested in.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: And it also just unfortunately comes with the territory of owning pets.
Speaker: Like it's just you're kind of signing up for that, which is like such a hard thing for me nowadays because while I had pets growing up, I didn't have them for so many years.
Speaker: And we had so many like freak accidents.
Speaker: I don't want this to – like people are going to be like, oh, no.
Speaker: But we had a lot of freak accidents growing up in the desert.
Speaker: um like flash floods uh coyotes rattlesnakes like things like that where it was just like wow we like crazy the desert the desert can really come for animals oh man and like we had four acres that were all enclosed um so we would it was fun for the dog because the dog could just like go and run around and then eventually we were like okay this we can't do this anymore like they are
Speaker: getting eaten alive literally by the desert.
Speaker: So I never really had like this long standing relationship.
Speaker: And I think it's so different being a child and loving a pet and having them pass away and then being an adult and having them as a companion.
Speaker: It's like, it's not real.
Speaker: At least for me, I know that there's, I've talked to people out there who are like, I love my dog, but I would be okay.
Speaker: Like, it's like, that's just, they're just like, they're just like nice to have around.
Speaker: And for me, I'm like, no, that's my, like, that is family.
Speaker: That is my happy place.
Speaker: I love loving them.
Speaker: So their loss is really intense for me, especially as an adult where they were my companion.
Speaker: But yeah, it's like I also want to focus on how I even got to have her in my life, how I even got to spend that time with her and
Speaker: grow with her.
Speaker: And the other thing is I loved her so hard.
Speaker: I took her everywhere, like everywhere that I could.
Speaker: We got her ESA, emotional support animal certified so we could take her to more Airbnbs and more hotels and places that like wouldn't have normally accepted a dog.
Speaker: And, um, which I'm not trying to like, we really did get her certified.
Speaker: It was very, very, very, very easy to do.
Speaker: But the main thing is like, if they're a very calm, chill dog and Cub could not have been more calm and chill.
Speaker: She was.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: She just wanted to like hang with us.
Speaker: She didn't bark at people.
Speaker: She like didn't bark when she was alone.
Speaker: She wasn't like a chewer, a scratcher.
Speaker: She just chilled.
Speaker: Like when we would have people over, she'd greet them.
Speaker: She would never jump on them.
Speaker: She'd just like greet them and then just go to her bed or her bedroom.
Speaker: She's like, okay, bye.
Speaker: Like she was just so calm.
Speaker: Yeah, she was very calm, very chill, just wanted to hang out with ER and I. So she was so easy to have as an ESA dog because like, yeah, she was just so well behaved.
Speaker: But yeah, like we and then anytime she would want a belly rub, like gave her a belly rub.
Speaker: I would just walk up to her.
Speaker: I work from home.
Speaker: So I gave her so much love.
Speaker: And then anytime she wanted to play with a toy, I would totally be there to play with her.
Speaker: So there was a lot of comfort in that when we decided to have her put down.
Speaker: It was like, we really did do such a good job of giving her such a great life.
Speaker: A hundred percent.
Speaker: And that's like all we can do.
Speaker: I know that for a fact.
Speaker: That's all you can do.
Speaker: And that's all you can remember.
Speaker: I think that's probably the only comforting thing I have when I think about the pets that I've lost.
Speaker: And when I see friends go through this
Speaker: loss as well is like I think that's also the difficulty right it's like you in all matters of grief it's hard to walk the fine line of wanting your friends and loved ones to know that you're there for them but I'm always conscious of the fact that I can't imagine how overwhelming sometimes that love and support can be and then I also just never want people who are already experiencing grief to
Speaker: undergo even more emotional labor.
Speaker: Obviously, it's not intended to be emotional labor, but given that we're all human beings, when people are reaching out to you, extending their condolences, and it also comes into a back and forth, and it's just hard to know, right?
Speaker: And so I think it's a really beautiful thing that you are actively letting people know and kind of setting your boundary, just not allowing you to fall into that hole, just knowing, yeah, it's painful right now, but I'm getting through.
Speaker: I'm actively...
Speaker: going through it, not just lingering in it.
Speaker: No, and I've been on the other end too where someone has lost a family member or a pet or whatever.
Speaker: And I'm like, oh gosh, like what's the right thing to say?
Speaker: I can get really hung up on that.
Speaker: And then I've learned, especially after losing Opie, that just reaching out, like I'm not looking at these messages and being like, God, that was such the wrong thing to say.
Speaker: I'm just like, thank you for being there.
Speaker: And moving through that discomfort.
Speaker: Because like for me, that's what I feel.
Speaker: I'm like, oh God, like
Speaker: this is so uncomfortable, I don't want to message this person and I don't want them, I don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want them to be like re-reminded, maybe they're in a good mood right now and then I just send them a random text, it's like I can really get caught up in it and
Speaker: I've learned just like show up, just show up.
Speaker: And what's really meant a lot to me, and it's something that I'll use to make informed decisions moving forward with my friends and family, are people who have called, like called and people who have – voice notes have been really sweet too.
Speaker: And then also people who have just sent us stuff.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like that – we got a care package from our friends that –
Speaker: And it was tomato soup, rolls, cookies, and this like really cool soup spoon.
Speaker: And I mean, yeah, it's really thoughtful.
Speaker: And the grief is hard.
Speaker: And like eating around it for me has been has been difficult.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So just to get that, I was like, I didn't have to think about this.
Speaker: It's just, it arrived.
Speaker: It's ready to go.
Speaker: I literally just have to reheat it.
Speaker: And I had such a lovely dinner last night because of that.
Speaker: And yeah, that's, I, what I've done in the past is I've sent messages.
Speaker: I've either responded,
Speaker: on Instagram or I've sent them a text.
Speaker: And what I've noticed is it feels different when somebody sees it on Instagram but takes it a step further and messages me – like text me because it's so easy just on the Instagram just like send a message.
Speaker: But it feels – it just feels like one step further for them to be like, hey, I saw what you put on Instagram and like I just wanted to reach out.
Speaker: And yeah, like I said, the call, the phone calls, the voice notes and actually sending something, that has been –
Speaker: like really nice because it allows me to talk about it if I want to.
Speaker: You know, like I can – there's been calls that I haven't taken, which my poor dad, it's literally just my dad.
Speaker: And it's only because he's called during meetings every single time.
Speaker: And I'm like, dad, I will call you back.
Speaker: But, you know, like I have the option.
Speaker: And that's what I get stuck in my head when somebody else is experiencing this where I'm like, I don't want to call and like bug them.
Speaker: But it's like they can make that decision of not taking the call.
Speaker: It's true.
Speaker: And it has been so nice because I'm like, I get to share about her.
Speaker: I get to share about either what happened or they also can be like, I saw how you loved her.
Speaker: Like it was – you loved that puppy and, you know, like this is kind of just some like reaffirming things.
Speaker: And then the other thing is it ends up being light like at the end.
Speaker: Like my brother called.
Speaker: which was so sweet of him.
Speaker: I would say he's somebody who's like, does not want to deal with like emotional things.
Speaker: We all know those people.
Speaker: We all know that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I've been them, you know, but yeah, I, I was so surprised to have him call and he,
Speaker: you know, he gave me space to talk about what happened and the grief and the sadness of it all.
Speaker: And then we started talking about just kind of like other things.
Speaker: And it was just, he's so funny.
Speaker: I think my brother is like the funniest person I know.
Speaker: And so I was laughing and like that felt really good.
Speaker: And so, yeah, it's just things that I'm taking into consideration for when roles are reversed, like how I would want to show up for others.
Speaker: It's like the art of showing up for other people and
Speaker: Maybe it feels like common sense to other people, but it's so helpful to hear these things out loud because I know I personally am so guilty about getting really in my head about reaching out to people when they're going through tough times.
Speaker: I mean, call it just being an overthinker in general, but you're right.
Speaker: It's ultimately what counts is just showing up, showing up imperfectly, showing up in any way form.
Speaker: And like with the phone call thing, I think also this is where maybe our difference in ages are going to show.
Speaker: I'm 27 and I feel like anybody younger than me
Speaker: hates phone calls.
Speaker: Like I, on my cell phone answering machine, I think I have five voicemails.
Speaker: One is from my uncle who was like 70 years old, who like loved voicemail.
Speaker: The rest are probably from like government facilities, like taxes, banks.
Speaker: It's never from friends.
Speaker: And I think about this often where I miss...
Speaker: Just the art of calling people on the phone.
Speaker: But I think nowadays, what I experience at least is I'll think about calling somebody and then I'll get in my head and think, we didn't schedule this.
Speaker: I don't know what they're doing today.
Speaker: I don't know if I'm coming off too strong.
Speaker: And then I need to take a step back and remind myself we're all adults.
Speaker: If somebody's not available, they won't pick up the call.
Speaker: If they're not in the mood to talk, they won't do it.
Speaker: But I think sometimes it's just pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone and remembering that the main point is to show up for those people.
Speaker: I can do – I can be similar because I feel like I've seen things on the internet that are like, do not call me.
Speaker: Like, do not call – don't cold call me, you know.
Speaker: And like, I think they're funny and they can definitely be relatable.
Speaker: But I'm also like, but for my people, call me.
Speaker: Like, call me.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: It's the right people.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: We don't want them.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: There's specific people.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like no, none of these government officials.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: The spam callers, but like for your people, they should feel comfortable.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Cold call you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And it's, it's funny.
Speaker: Cause it's like the cold call is the, um, the new dropping by, you know, like back in the day, people just drop by and I've, I've talked to ER about this a lot where, um,
Speaker: I want to move with my closest friends and build a little community.
Speaker: I 100% want to do that.
Speaker: And I've been seeing more and more people actually doing that.
Speaker: And it just looks so lovely.
Speaker: And they're having little bonfires every night and they're getting together for group dinners.
Speaker: And there's not this pressure to hang out because they all have their own
Speaker: individual spaces, but it's also facilitating connection and community.
Speaker: And it's like, that is a big part of longevity.
Speaker: That's a big part of a healthy life is community.
Speaker: It kind of blows my mind when I go in for my annual checkup, how it's like food, exercise, smoking, drinking, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: But then it's page after page after page asking about community stuff.
Speaker: Like, am I doing things that are
Speaker: pouring into spirituality in any way, shape, or form, just something that's bigger than me.
Speaker: Am I giving back?
Speaker: Am I calling my friends?
Speaker: How often am I calling my friends?
Speaker: Do I have someone that I can talk to during difficult times?
Speaker: Like it's a whole – it's a long thing where I'm like, oh, this is really important.
Speaker: And I mean there's just a bunch of studies out there anyway in general that are like it's very good to have community.
Speaker: So I'm like, I'm all for doing something like that and being able to have these drop-ins like I would.
Speaker: And I've had neighbors that we like in our neighborhood just literally do that, drop by, just be like, hey, we saw this thing.
Speaker: We thought of you.
Speaker: Or hey, we noticed that the cactus over here fell down and we can help or whatever.
Speaker: We've had people just randomly drop in.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I'm like, oh, that feels so nice.
Speaker: Like I feel like community.
Speaker: So I'm for it.
Speaker: I'm for the phone call.
Speaker: I'm for a drop in.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's like it does nothing but make me feel good after.
Speaker: Yeah, for sure.
Speaker: And on the other hand of that, I've never regretted
Speaker: doing like a cold call or even a drop in or like even texting somebody to have like a longer conversation and just check in like after you push through that discomfort or that overthinking I was like I love this I just love any excuse to connect with somebody and I remember talking to my cousin's wife who I claim as my own but we miss the age of the drop in
Speaker: I know we say that and I think some people are probably like, no, I have too much anxiety.
Speaker: I need to be prepared and no.
Speaker: But I think that's what we need a little bit more of in our life.
Speaker: Like the spontaneous energy of being like your neighbors.
Speaker: Hey, we thought about you.
Speaker: We wanted to check in.
Speaker: I love the idea of just being in touch with your community in real life.
Speaker: I sometimes feel like we just don't do enough of it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I –
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I kind of feel like if we just start doing it again, like for instance, I – with flying, I did it so often.
Speaker: I did it so often growing up.
Speaker: My mom lived in a different state.
Speaker: I was flying like all the time and I was doing it when I was little.
Speaker: I would often help the crew like hand out snacks and stuff and it was – yeah, like I flew.
Speaker: So like you had those little pins –
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Like airline pins.
Speaker: Love.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I did.
Speaker: Yeah, I certainly did.
Speaker: And then there's a certain age that you reach where it's like it's no longer – I don't know.
Speaker: Maybe it's like 12 or 13 where they're like, hey, you're on your own.
Speaker: It's like, wait, where are my wings?
Speaker: But, yeah, I was very – I could sleep in any position on the plane.
Speaker: I was just very comfortable flying.
Speaker: And then as I got older, I wasn't flying as much.
Speaker: And I had like a couple trips here and there.
Speaker: But then during COVID, there was a solid –
Speaker: I mean, at least a year, but maybe two years, I didn't fly.
Speaker: And I got anxious about it.
Speaker: Like I started – I actually had my first sort of panic attack on a plane.
Speaker: And I was like, what is going on?
Speaker: Like I used to be so comfortable with this.
Speaker: And then because of that, I was like, oh, God, I don't want to fly anymore.
Speaker: But I was like, no.
Speaker: You've got like – you love – not necessarily travel.
Speaker: I wouldn't say that I love travel itself, but I like exploring new places.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So, like, a 15-hour flight is technically travel.
Speaker: And I'm like, yeah, I'm not loving that.
Speaker: That is a lot.
Speaker: I will admit.
Speaker: When I ask Danny to come visit me in the Philippines, I'm like, it's not.
Speaker: A three-hour flight.
Speaker: Yeah, so it's just like a little bit longer, but I still am very interested.
Speaker: The seed has definitely been planted.
Speaker: She's in there.
Speaker: But yeah, I like exploring new places.
Speaker: And so a big thing for me is I like to lead my life through love and not fear.
Speaker: That's helped me make a few hard decisions.
Speaker: That's helped me
Speaker: move past my fear, be bigger than my thoughts, be bigger than my fear.
Speaker: And I was like, okay, you're going to have to start getting on a plane more.
Speaker: You're going to need to start planning more trips.
Speaker: And now that I've done that, it's kind of like, oh, okay, it feels normal.
Speaker: It feels good.
Speaker: It just feels like a part of my life.
Speaker: And I feel the same about drop-ins.
Speaker: Or it's like at first it's like, oh, gosh, I don't know.
Speaker: I don't want to bother someone.
Speaker: I don't want to overstay my welcome.
Speaker: I don't want it to be like awkward, you know, whatever.
Speaker: And then I think the more that we do it, the more it would be like, oh, gosh, I haven't dropped in in like a week.
Speaker: I need to do that.
Speaker: Like it would be weird to not drop in.
Speaker: So, yeah, I'm here for like the age of the drop in.
Speaker: I wanted to come back.
Speaker: Like all I'm thinking about is when I was in elementary school and one of my classmates lived three doors down.
Speaker: He was a boy.
Speaker: And him and his stepbrother, every now and then, they would just knock on my door.
Speaker: I'd be like, let's go do this.
Speaker: And I think I need to channel that childhood energy of just going to hang out with people without any solid plans, I think.
Speaker: I'm going to channel that this year.
Speaker: spending time together just because yeah just because I one of my friends was in town visiting and he his schedule is usually all over the place he's he has a lot of people that want to see him he has family and friends you know so I'm always like here's my schedule see me anytime you possibly can yeah and there was this one day where he he texted me and he was like are you about to go to bed because it was like 6 30 I think yeah
Speaker: For those of you who don't know Dani, Dani takes early bird, early bird, early to bed to another level.
Speaker: I really do.
Speaker: I really do.
Speaker: I was definitely, I'm pretty sure asleep by 830 last night, which is a little different because I've been trying to get sleep for grief because like I just couldn't sleep the first few days and then
Speaker: I've been like, you've got to rest.
Speaker: You've got to take care of yourself.
Speaker: So yesterday I was a big proponent of like go to bed.
Speaker: Get in bed by 7 so that you have ample time if you do want to fall asleep early.
Speaker: And I did fall asleep early.
Speaker: But regardless of grief, I will – I mean I've been known to go to bed at 8.30 on any – on a Friday.
Speaker: Like any – it doesn't – Amazing.
Speaker: related or not related to grief.
Speaker: And so he texted me and was like, are you going to go to bed soon?
Speaker: And I was like, I mean, kind of, I'm not kidding.
Speaker: I've had a really long day.
Speaker: And then he was like, so if I were to stop by in 10 minutes, that would be like cool or not cool.
Speaker: And I was like, get over here.
Speaker: And it was, and yeah, he just, he just came by and we just hung out and he did try to get me to go out.
Speaker: And I was like, no, absolutely not.
Speaker: You don't take it too far.
Speaker: Like you're already here, but don't push.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Don't push it.
Speaker: And he was really good about it.
Speaker: He was like, all right, all right.
Speaker: But yeah, that was – it was so – it was just like such an unexpected thing and I think we can get so, you know, plan-y and is it on the calendar and oh, I don't have time at this time but I could do this time.
Speaker: Does this time work for you?
Speaker: That time doesn't work for me.
Speaker: And somebody just taking the initiative to take the chance of, I'm going to stop by.
Speaker: And if it works, it works.
Speaker: If it doesn't, it doesn't.
Speaker: And I think more often than not, it would probably work and help just – it was such a highlight of my day.
Speaker: Like I just randomly got to see this person.
Speaker: I wasn't planning on it.
Speaker: It just happened.
Speaker: That was a really cool thing.
Speaker: It's like a nice little surprise.
Speaker: No, I'm a big proponent of that.
Speaker: I also think, honestly, even in the last few weeks, the amount of things that I've been able to make happen just by virtue of them being spontaneous.
Speaker: Like there have been moments with friends where for months we're literally trying to find a common free time for just dinner or lunch and it doesn't happen.
Speaker: And the last few weeks, literally the day before, I've been like, hey, you want to meet up?
Speaker: I'm going to be in town.
Speaker: Like,
Speaker: If you're free, I would love to see you for lunch.
Speaker: If not, no worries.
Speaker: And it happens.
Speaker: And you're like, you know what?
Speaker: Sometimes that's best.
Speaker: Sometimes the lead up, the planning, I think that's where everything kind of can get lost in a shuffle.
Speaker: But again, it always goes back to my favorite word, intention.
Speaker: Just being intentional and thinking about it and finding those opportunities in your schedule for that.
Speaker: Well, and I can also – I've had girlfriends say like, hey, I want to do this thing with you and I'll look at my schedule and I'll look at my work schedule and my personal schedule and if I have something, one or two things planned in a day, I'm like, okay, that day's out.
Speaker: But if you were to spontaneously just stop by, that time would be made.
Speaker: Like it would totally be made.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: And not in a way that it like oversteps my boundaries or anything.
Speaker: It's like it kind of helps me just get out of my own way or get out of my own head or – because I've also had days where I get so much done and I am not centering my day around a nap.
Speaker: I used to do that quite often.
Speaker: Like I was like, oh, I know I normally get tired around 3 and I want to take a nap or, you know, whatever.
Speaker: And I've had a schedule that has been more conducive to a continuous momentum throughout the day.
Speaker: And I'm like, wow, I kind of was – I kind of was missing a bit with like how I planned my day previously.
Speaker: It was almost like too slow, too soft, too much space.
Speaker: So yeah, I – a random drop in –
Speaker: like what my friend did.
Speaker: I would have never, I wouldn't have gone out.
Speaker: If he would have asked me to hang out at 630, I would have said, no, I will be getting ready for bed.
Speaker: But him just doing it, I was like, that was so much fun.
Speaker: I loved that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And you didn't have to leave your home.
Speaker: I have friends like that too, where I'm like, you know, I know that you're a homebody.
Speaker: I too am a homebody sometimes.
Speaker: So I go to them.
Speaker: I'm like, it's going to take a bigger push to get you to come out.
Speaker: But if it means spending time with you, it doesn't matter where.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I love being on the couch with you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That kind of friendship.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: One of my girlfriends sent me a voice note yesterday and was like, I can, if you would like a little back scratch, if you would like some coffee and, and at the end, she offered all these things at the very end of it.
Speaker: She was like, I would love to come over and do those things.
Speaker: I was like,
Speaker: And so I totally took her up on it.
Speaker: I was like, yep, I would love that.
Speaker: I think she's coming over today to literally give me a back scratch, maybe do some Reiki work because that's something that she's been working on, and maybe bring me a coffee.
Speaker: I was like, yes, please.
Speaker: Yes, please.
Speaker: Yes, please.
Speaker: You know what that reminds me of though?
Speaker: It's like as somebody who still has not planted deep, deep roots anywhere as an adult –
Speaker: Just how nice it is to be in close proximity to all the people you love.
Speaker: I love traveling and I'm so grateful that I've gotten to do it as much as I have in my short little life.
Speaker: But yeah, that's something you think of as you get, at least for me, as I'm heading into my 30s.
Speaker: with arms wide open.
Speaker: I'm so excited.
Speaker: I think about that all the time.
Speaker: I think some people take that for granted, just knowing that your friends are a five-minute drive away or like a phone call in the same time zone.
Speaker: It makes such a big difference, I tell you.
Speaker: It does.
Speaker: Physical closeness.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I don't feel like we really have that that much in Tucson.
Speaker: Well, I would say ER does.
Speaker: ER does.
Speaker: I feel – there's like – no, like a lot of my friends are in California.
Speaker: A lot of my really close friends are in California.
Speaker: And I have a lot.
Speaker: I mean, I definitely have my close friends in Tucson too.
Speaker: But I have thought about that, especially with the –
Speaker: with getting engaged and thinking about our bridal party or just like yeah I guess right right what was it groomsmen and entourage yeah yeah yeah the entourage but like thinking about that sounds right yeah I was thinking about like who we would want to include in our actual wedding day and I'm like oh
Speaker: There's a couple here in Tucson, but it's – a lot of them are in California or in Amsterdam or like all over kind of.
Speaker: Another hop away.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Just another hop away.
Speaker: But –
Speaker: Yeah, it is a really – it is a really precious thing.
Speaker: Like especially Brie, that's the friend who was saying that she would come over.
Speaker: I see her pretty much weekly when we go to yoga together.
Speaker: And that's like a really, really special thing.
Speaker: And I also have my friend Joe who doesn't live too far away and she's come over for walks before.
Speaker: And yeah, like that is – I don't know.
Speaker: It kind of feels like ever since I moved to San Francisco and then San Diego and then back to Tucson.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I've just been in a constant state of like missing people.
Speaker: Like I missed my friends when I moved to San Francisco and then I missed my friends in San Francisco when I moved to San Diego and then I missed my friends in San Diego when I moved to Tucson.
Speaker: It's like now – and it's such a beautiful thing too because then I have places to visit.
Speaker: I have places to stay.
Speaker: I have places to visit.
Speaker: I have reasons to go back.
Speaker: It's wonderful.
Speaker: But yeah, like I kind of don't really feel like I have – even somebody who's in – who's made roots somewhere.
Speaker: I don't really feel like I have necessarily just that phone call.
Speaker: A couple.
Speaker: Definitely a couple.
Speaker: But yeah, that is a – I just found it really interesting because you were talking about staying in one place and having those roots.
Speaker: And I was like, I have that and I still don't know that I really have a friend that's like – You know, I wonder if –
Speaker: I think a lot of people actually feel that way.
Speaker: When I think about it too, I see people talk about that online as well too.
Speaker: And I wonder if we just all have this, not necessarily unrealistic, but I wonder where that expectation of having a huge strong, like when you think about community, maybe I think I think of community in numbers, right?
Speaker: And having a large group of people around you.
Speaker: And maybe that's where it was coming from.
Speaker: on my end where I'm like, when I think about numbers, it's everybody I love is spread apart, but I can't say that I feel I could find that group geographically.
Speaker: But then maybe that's just something that's in our head.
Speaker: I think a lot more people probably feel that way as well, whether or not they've stayed in a place for long or not.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: My friend Yanni in San Francisco, she had mentioned that.
Speaker: She was born and raised.
Speaker: She's lived in the Bay Area her whole life.
Speaker: And she's like, I don't feel like I have a very close group of friends.
Speaker: And I think that can be really like lonely or isolating or sort of like these unrealistic expectations of what it means to have these really close friends.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I do have a solid handful of people in Tucson that I can absolutely call.
Speaker: But it's like, yeah, but then I'm like, but it's not like 15.
Speaker: It's like, that doesn't matter.
Speaker: You know, having one or two.
Speaker: Which also is unrealistically when I think about a group of 15 and I see people who are in groups of friends at large, I'm like, I'm sorry, there's no way you're maintaining all these relationships in like at the same time.
Speaker: We have a really – we've got a group in Tucson that's now a little bit more spread out between L.A.
Speaker: and Seattle – or not Seattle, but Washington.
Speaker: I can't remember the – Snoqualmie.
Speaker: Hey, shout out Snoqualmie.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But – and then like Portland, we've got a few people who are like spread out now.
Speaker: But here in Tucson, it's like two, four, six, eight, maybe 10 or so of us that –
Speaker: do still get together and it's, you know, gender mixed and some are couples, some are not couples.
Speaker: And when I first met that group, this was when I was dating, um, previously dating someone and he introduced me to this group and I was like, this is so special.
Speaker: What you guys have is so special.
Speaker: And I, I, I want that.
Speaker: Like I want that.
Speaker: And it was a sticking point because then we broke up and I was like, I don't want to not have these people in my life.
Speaker: And they're very sweet and continue to welcome me with open arms.
Speaker: And slowly but surely over the years, I started to gain relationships individually with them.
Speaker: Oh, that's really nice.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like it now – you know, I've made the effort.
Speaker: It was like I'm not just going to hang out with the couple all the time.
Speaker: I want to hang out with them individually or have individual conversations with them and have that one-on-one connection so that when it comes to being in the group, it's like it is this really –
Speaker: really precious, sweet thing.
Speaker: So that's definitely a big community that I have in Tucson.
Speaker: They're incredible.
Speaker: I mean, that feels so special.
Speaker: And I hope that anybody who's listening to this and maybe feels
Speaker: Like they resonated with the idea of not necessarily being part of a big group like that or having a huge group of friends.
Speaker: I truly do believe though you find your people in life.
Speaker: There's no deadline for finding your people and you'll find them eventually and it takes time.
Speaker: It doesn't happen overnight.
Speaker: I know especially for people who move to new cities maybe or experience some sort of like friend breakups and are feeling a little displaced in terms of their relationships.
Speaker: You'll find your people.
Speaker: I really truly believe that.
Speaker: And it doesn't look the same for everybody else.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: And especially like putting in the effort to do so.
Speaker: Like when I moved to San Francisco, I knew no one.
Speaker: When I moved to San Diego, I knew no one.
Speaker: And I found that to be such a strength of mine because I don't think it's like the easiest thing to do, but it is possible to do.
Speaker: And I went on Bumble for friends when I moved to San Francisco.
Speaker: I went on like the event.
Speaker: bright things or like group meetups and I there was like times where it felt fun but I was like I don't know like I don't remember like feeling super connected to anyone it's hit or miss like dating
Speaker: It really is though.
Speaker: It really is.
Speaker: And when I met Yanni, I really did – I was like, oh my gosh, wait.
Speaker: She's so cool and I really like her energy.
Speaker: And I was like, there's no way she's going to want to hang out with me.
Speaker: I'm just like this girl from Arizona who just came in.
Speaker: And the way that we even –
Speaker: like initiated a friendship is I asked I asked our boss at the time if Yanni and another employee of ours could go and get our nails done on lunch.
Speaker: And he was like, that's not something we normally do.
Speaker: But yeah, like, go for it.
Speaker: And so I like took it outside of the workplace and I was like, let's go.
Speaker: And she actually still goes and gets her nails done at this place that is so cute.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And what's funny about it too is, I mean, Yanni is still like definitely one of my closest friends and I just, she's not somebody that I would have found had I have not, if I had moved to the city and already had a friend, I think I definitely would have heavily relied on them and grown that relationship.
Speaker: But yeah, like I also think just being honest about it at this point in my, well, I was going to say is being honest about like seeing someone that you're
Speaker: feeling inclined to have a friendship with, just saying that, being like, hey, I just moved here.
Speaker: I don't know that many people and I really dig your energy.
Speaker: Would you be interested in hanging out?
Speaker: And now I'm at this point where I have the amount of friends that I pretty much want to have.
Speaker: I have enough to where I feel loved, I feel supported, and I feel like I can pour into them and I'm not
Speaker: stretch in a bunch of different places and the relationships that I have also help nurture me.
Speaker: It's not like one-sided and it's kind of hard to like get into my life these days.
Speaker: No, I think that's a good thing though.
Speaker: Being protective of your space and energy means that
Speaker: you're making room for the right people in your life.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I, I've, I've had this conversation with ER where I'll have certain people hit me up and say like, Hey, I haven't spoken to you in a while, or I want to hang out or I'll be coming through town or, you know, whatever it might be.
Speaker: And I will make,
Speaker: I will more likely than not make time to see them.
Speaker: And then afterwards, there's like a want to continue hanging out or a want to continue.
Speaker: And I don't feel the same.
Speaker: I'm like, no, thank you.
Speaker: I have my people.
Speaker: And yeah, it's kind of hard.
Speaker: It's like kind of hard to get into my life.
Speaker: And I don't want that to sound like mean or closed off or whatever, but it's really out of protection for myself and also the relationships that I do have.
Speaker: Like those relationships are so important to me and I want to make sure that I not only have time for myself, but I have time for them as well.
Speaker: And like the more people that I just kind of add in who I'm not feeling so, so aligned with, that's a lot of my energy that's being put into that.
Speaker: And then that's less energy that I get to pour into them.
Speaker: So it's like I just feel very good with where I'm at, at the amount of friendships that I have and the quality of the friendships that I have.
Speaker: I feel like I could probably call most any of my friends for –
Speaker: pretty much anything, but I also do have some friends where I'm like, oh, you would be so good for me for this.
Speaker: Oh, you would be so good for me for this.
Speaker: And I feel really fortunate with the people that are in my life.
Speaker: No, yeah.
Speaker: I also think it's something so special to, I think,
Speaker: know yourself well enough that you're not afraid to draw those boundaries.
Speaker: Because I think even me, especially when I was a lot younger and I felt like I was seeking out being part of a friend group or just looking for that sort of community, I felt like I was saying yes to everybody who wanted access to me.
Speaker: And maybe when – I felt like I had so much more energy when I was younger.
Speaker: And now I'm really in this era of my life where I'm like, no –
Speaker: I don't want to offend people.
Speaker: I don't want to have bad blood with people.
Speaker: But quite honestly, I think I'm not looking for more...
Speaker: half-assed relationships.
Speaker: I think it's tons of that where it's almost like diplomatic and to save face where people are like, oh, we should have lunch.
Speaker: We should do this.
Speaker: And I'm like, you know, I don't really need that.
Speaker: I don't need that pretense for both of us.
Speaker: I don't want that.
Speaker: I think when there's a genuine connection between people, those friendships will blossom and both of you will be pouring into that relationship and it'll come natural to you.
Speaker: But I've been in that situation so often where it's somebody that
Speaker: you know, not even necessarily an acquaintance.
Speaker: Maybe it's just somebody who like, out of the goodness of their heart, they're like, we should do this.
Speaker: And then you kind of do it.
Speaker: And, you know, I wasted an afternoon with somebody knowing that I didn't have a connection with them.
Speaker: And
Speaker: It just comes down to knowing who you are a lot better because I've seen it with other friends as well where I feel like they're not able to draw that boundary and they're also giving access to themselves to a lot of people.
Speaker: And then I see them get like exhausted and also kind of disappointed because they feel like these relationships aren't matching the type of friendship they want.
Speaker: And I'm like, but it's because you're not holding it to the standard that –
Speaker: You should be, right?
Speaker: You're allowing everybody to come in and act like your friend.
Speaker: And I'm like, you know, we are adults.
Speaker: We only have limited time every day.
Speaker: It's okay to be selective.
Speaker: I think that's what I want everybody to know.
Speaker: It's okay.
Speaker: It doesn't mean you're a bad person.
Speaker: It doesn't mean you're selfish.
Speaker: And even if you are a little selfish, I don't think selfish is an inherently negative thing to be.
Speaker: So be protective of your time.
Speaker: man, I needed to hear that for you to be like, it's okay to be selective.
Speaker: I'm like, okay.
Speaker: Cause I genuinely do.
Speaker: I have this conversation with the art and he knows he like, he, he knows that there's a lot of females who will reach out to me.
Speaker: And be like, I want to hang out this day or I want to do this thing with you or whatever.
Speaker: And I'll be like, okay.
Speaker: And I do.
Speaker: And then he's always like, how was it?
Speaker: I'm like, I just – I wasn't feeling it.
Speaker: I didn't feel it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I won't be moving forward with that one.
Speaker: And that's okay because like I'm not really – I was at one point in my life in a space where I was like, I need to grow my friendship.
Speaker: I need to grow my friendship circle.
Speaker: I need to grow my relationships.
Speaker: And I did that.
Speaker: Like I really put time into that.
Speaker: And now I'm like, okay.
Speaker: we're good.
Speaker: It's not like this indefinite state of growth, but yeah, just saying like, it's okay to be selective.
Speaker: It's like, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: It is.
Speaker: I think a lot of people don't do it or they find it hard to swallow because I think they, maybe it's based in some form of guilt because they're like, oh, if somebody's showing interest in me, then I have to reciprocate.
Speaker: I'm like,
Speaker: No, even in, especially in dating, like just because someone's interested in you romantically doesn't mean they're entitled to your interest as well.
Speaker: So I think why not apply those same standards to friendships?
Speaker: You know, I was thinking about how fluid this conversation has been.
Speaker: I'm like, we've touched on grief.
Speaker: We've touched on growing and not growing your friendship circle.
Speaker: Like so many different things.
Speaker: And I was trying to think of it.
Speaker: I'm like, what will the title be?
Speaker: Or I'm like, what will the description be?
Speaker: But yeah, it's such a cool thing how we went from talking about grief to...
Speaker: like friendship circles.
Speaker: I think that's really beautiful.
Speaker: And I want to bring up our takeaway.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Well, now this is going back to moving through grief, pain, discomfort.
Speaker: And a takeaway for me when it comes to that is to pay attention to what I'm paying attention to.
Speaker: That's always been
Speaker: My teacher, Darren Rhodes at Yoga Oasis, he said that during a teacher training and it kind of blew my mind.
Speaker: Pay attention to what you're paying attention to.
Speaker: Notice your thoughts basically.
Speaker: I've noticed that with grief where when I'm in that moment of just sobbing and just feeling so sad and the heartbreak and missing cub, I will take a second to think about
Speaker: you know, what is causing these tears right now?
Speaker: Is it that I miss her?
Speaker: Is it that I didn't want her to be in pain?
Speaker: Is it that I feel robbed?
Speaker: Is it, you know, like I get very, I'm like, what is it exactly?
Speaker: Because that's definitely helping me move through the grief and the grieving and just paying attention to what I'm paying attention to and just noticing where my thoughts are going because that's ultimately where I'm giving my energy.
Speaker: And like with grief, I don't want to just think about,
Speaker: how I'm so mad that she's not here and like I mentioned, feeling robbed of her time.
Speaker: I'm like, I want to focus on how grateful I am that I even had her in my life and that she had such a great life and that we made such a difficult decision that felt very selfless, which by the way, just like a little footnote when you're talking about it's not bad to be selfish.
Speaker: I completely agree.
Speaker: And I've noticed the difference for me here is I do not think it's bad to be selfish and I think it's very off-putting to be self-centered.
Speaker: But those are two completely different things.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: That is so insightful.
Speaker: That is true.
Speaker: Oh my gosh.
Speaker: I'm writing that down because I think –
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I just had that differentiator aha moment when I was in the presence of someone and I was like, it's not that they're selfish.
Speaker: It's that they're self-centered.
Speaker: That's what drives me crazy.
Speaker: I'm like, I'm okay with people who are selfish.
Speaker: I'm okay with people who prioritize time for themselves.
Speaker: That's okay for me.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: But yeah, just paying attention to what I'm paying attention to and seeing where my energy is going and where I want my energy to go.
Speaker: Like, you know, that's what will sort of dictate my life and my energy and my feelings.
Speaker: And then –
Speaker: It's allowing time for grief to exist without it becoming all-encompassing.
Speaker: Like I don't want that to become my identity.
Speaker: I don't want that to allow me to be a victim of my own life.
Speaker: It's like it totally deserves a seat at my table, but it doesn't deserve to be at the head of the table.
Speaker: I've definitely had to be like, okay, okay, grief.
Speaker: Like you've had – you've definitely had your time.
Speaker: I need to move on.
Speaker: I need to read something.
Speaker: I need to watch a funny clip.
Speaker: I need to call a friend.
Speaker: I need to make a meal.
Speaker: Like I need to move on from you and I'll give you time tomorrow.
Speaker: Like we'll check back in tomorrow.
Speaker: Maybe you'll have a little bit more extra time today, but I need to move on from you right now.
Speaker: That's so beautiful, Dani.
Speaker: I was just looking at your face and like, oh, mic drop.
Speaker: No, that just reminds me of, I think my one biggest takeaway and one thing that I wanted to share was I remember speaking to a friend of mine and she lost her mom to cancer a couple of years ago, I believe, but she's truly like...
Speaker: She reminds me a little bit of you.
Speaker: She just holds such like positivity and grace.
Speaker: And I remember talking to her about just grief and fear of loss and how those fears would affect some life decisions of mine and just how I would move through things.
Speaker: And she was like, just know that.
Speaker: I want you to act out of love rather than fear.
Speaker: Never act because you're afraid of losing time with somebody or because you're afraid of forgetting that person or because you're afraid of leaving them behind.
Speaker: Try to move forward and act out of love.
Speaker: Because fear will just kind of keep you in that victim mindset.
Speaker: And I thought, oh, that's such a good way to put it.
Speaker: Because more often than not, if we do what you said we should do, which is pay attention to what we're paying attention to, are we paying attention to the things that are kind of keeping us rooted in that pain and sadness because we're afraid of letting go?
Speaker: Or is there another way to express our grief through love?
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Again, mic drop.
Speaker: What a beautiful full circle moment, Dani.
Speaker: Like, thank you, honestly, for even showing up for holding space for opening your heart.
Speaker: I know that cub cub is looking down on you from wherever.
Speaker: And when you said how your friend was like, I know you love that girl.
Speaker: I know you love that girl.
Speaker: You and ER love that girl so freaking much in all the best ways.
Speaker: Yeah, that was our girl.
Speaker: That was definitely our girl.
Speaker: That was like we would talk about it all the time how we're like this is our little family.
Speaker: Like we loved – we loved spending time with her.
Speaker: That was – it was just so much fun for us.
Speaker: We loved laughing at her like with her, you know, like making impressions of her, like loved singing to her, everything.
Speaker: It was – she – it was so much fun.
Speaker: It was such an honor and it was so much fun to love her.
Speaker: And there was something that I was going to say earlier and then I was like, oh, wait, hold on.
Speaker: I want to talk about something that you had mentioned and I can't remember what it was.
Speaker: But anyway, the thing that I was going to say is one of my girlfriends said, have you felt her?
Speaker: And I was like, yes, I have totally, totally felt her.
Speaker: We've had a lot of rain, so much rain in Arizona.
Speaker: And it's –
Speaker: Just I'm like, of course, of course, like it started kind of Sunday evening, but more so like Monday, I say like Monday evening.
Speaker: And that was when we put Cub down.
Speaker: It's just been pouring.
Speaker: It's been cloudy.
Speaker: It's been so unseasonably cloudy and gray.
Speaker: I'm like, come on.
Speaker: And we were on a ER and I went on the walk because I was like, I have to do this.
Speaker: I have to go on our walk because if I keep putting this off, it's just going to feel so terrible when I finally do.
Speaker: And I knew it was going to be really hard and it was.
Speaker: I cried like a majority of the way and I pointed out all of the spots that she would stop at and I would tell ER, I'd be like, she'd stop here.
Speaker: She wanted to sniff that.
Speaker: She found this really interesting and
Speaker: And as we were doing that, it was raining and not like a ton.
Speaker: It was like little patches here and there, but it was cloudy and raining.
Speaker: And we looked up and for like a few moments, like not even – but we looked up for like sincerely a few moments and there was just this tiny, soft, gentle rainbow.
Speaker: And I was like, you can't tell me that's not her.
Speaker: And the other thing is I get that it's kind of like woo-woo and whatever, but I'm like, I have two options.
Speaker: I can believe that that's her or I can believe that it's not her.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: And I have no science to prove either side.
Speaker: It's like, why not believe in it?
Speaker: You lose nothing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I was like, that's her.
Speaker: That's totally her.
Speaker: And we were on a walk and just a little patch of light was – because again, it's been cloudy like – or quite a few days in a row.
Speaker: And there was a little patch of light that was shining through and it was absolutely in the shape of a little nose, like a little dog nose.
Speaker: And I was like, that is totally a cub.
Speaker: And just like in these really soft, gentle moments of like stillness, I so, so feel her like –
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm like, my baby girl's around.
Speaker: So anyway, that was – That brings me so much comfort.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like, and it's nice too because there is that logical side of me that's like, it's probably just coincidence or like it's probably – and it's like, why not just believe in the magic of it?
Speaker: Like, why not lean into it?
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: And like, also – You lose nothing by leaning into it.
Speaker: you lose nothing.
Speaker: And I also think about if she's, if she is trying to send these like really sweet, gentle messages, I'm like, nah, that's, that's horse crap.
Speaker: Like I'm not going to believe that.
Speaker: Like I could imagine her being like, oh, come on.
Speaker: Like, I'm trying.
Speaker: I'm trying.
Speaker: This is the best I can do.
Speaker: But yeah, I definitely, I definitely feel her.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker: If you enjoyed this episode of Where's Our Intern, please leave us a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker: You can join the conversation by following us on Instagram and TikTok at where'sourinternpod.
Speaker: And last but not least, if you really, really enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend.
Speaker: It would absolutely make our day.
Speaker: Till next time.
