Transcript
Speaker: It's Fructuous Friday Finance.
Speaker: Every Friday, one of our experts answers your personal finance questions. Hey, America, are you ready to plant Fructuous Money Seeds?
Speaker: Let's start digging.
Speaker: I'm AJ Brown, your Triple F expert for today. A quick announcement before we get started. I'm sorry to say one of our favorite producers, Jay Buckner, is leaving f FFF for The Wall Street Journal.
Speaker: We're happy for Jay and we'll miss you, man. All right, let's get into the show. Here's a question from Dominic Salinger in Santa Barbara, California.
Speaker: Hi FFF, my name is Dominic. I'm curious why corporations don't use success measures like kindness when evaluating their performance.
Speaker: That's an interesting question. Let me workshop this idea a bit. If we define kindness as the quality of being one, woke, two, gay, and three, pussy, then we can easily develop a scorecard to measure a company's performance on kindness.
Speaker: Defining our sub-measures produces SM1 equals woke, where woke is defined as pussy gay shit.
Speaker: SM2 equals gay, where gay is defined as woke pussy shit. SM3 equals pussy, where pussy is defined as woke gay shit.
Speaker: Now, digging a little deeper to define the unique factors and behaviors that drive high performance in SM1, SM2, and SM3.
Speaker: Let me put forward the following. A. The primary driver of wokeness is acceptance and advocacy for gays and pussies. B. The primary driver for gayness is promoting woke pussy lifestyles.
Speaker: C. The primary driver for pussiness is celebrating woke gays. Now, if we apply a dollar amount to our drivers, we can see the surprising impact of kindness on our bottom line.
Speaker: A typical multinational corporation might value wokeness at plus 500 million, gayness at plus 750 million, and pussiness at plus 2.5 billion.
Speaker: Clearly, there's a killing to be made by adopting kindness as a performance measure. Yet, in today's world, corporations will do anything to protect their brand from social media backlash, even sacrifice huge profits.
Speaker: Fuck Target, boy! The Fructuous Friday Finance Show has come to an end. Until next time, thank you, America!
