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Fructuous Friday Finance - Kindness Scorecard
39 Plays8 months ago
Aj Brown assesses an underutilized corporate performance measurement.
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Transcript
Introduction and Host Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
It's Fructuous Friday Finance.
00:00:04
Speaker
Every Friday, one of our experts answers your personal finance questions. Hey, America, are you ready to plant Fructuous Money Seeds?
00:00:16
Speaker
Let's start digging.
Farewell to Producer Jay Buckner
00:00:26
Speaker
I'm AJ Brown, your Triple F expert for today. A quick announcement before we get started. I'm sorry to say one of our favorite producers, Jay Buckner, is leaving f FFF for The Wall Street Journal.
00:00:38
Speaker
We're happy for Jay and we'll miss you, man. All right, let's get into the show.
Question: Why Don't Corporations Measure Kindness?
00:00:44
Speaker
Here's a question from Dominic Salinger in Santa Barbara, California.
00:00:51
Speaker
Hi FFF, my name is Dominic. I'm curious why corporations don't use success measures like kindness when evaluating their performance.
Defining Kindness in Corporate Terms
00:01:03
Speaker
That's an interesting question. Let me workshop this idea a bit. If we define kindness as the quality of being one, woke, two, gay, and three, pussy, then we can easily develop a scorecard to measure a company's performance on kindness.
00:01:23
Speaker
Defining our sub-measures produces SM1 equals woke, where woke is defined as pussy gay shit.
00:01:34
Speaker
SM2 equals gay, where gay is defined as woke pussy shit. SM3 equals pussy, where pussy is defined as woke gay shit.
Impact of 'Wokeness,' 'Gayness,' and 'Pussiness' on Corporations
00:01:48
Speaker
Now, digging a little deeper to define the unique factors and behaviors that drive high performance in SM1, SM2, and SM3.
00:02:00
Speaker
Let me put forward the following. A. The primary driver of wokeness is acceptance and advocacy for gays and pussies. B. The primary driver for gayness is promoting woke pussy lifestyles.
00:02:17
Speaker
C. The primary driver for pussiness is celebrating woke gays. Now, if we apply a dollar amount to our drivers, we can see the surprising impact of kindness on our bottom line.
Financial Benefits of Valuing Social Traits
00:02:33
Speaker
A typical multinational corporation might value wokeness at plus 500 million, gayness at plus 750 million, and pussiness at plus 2.5 billion.
00:02:48
Speaker
Clearly, there's a killing to be made by adopting kindness as a performance measure.
Conclusion: Balancing Brand Protection and Profit
00:02:54
Speaker
Yet, in today's world, corporations will do anything to protect their brand from social media backlash, even sacrifice huge profits.
00:03:09
Speaker
Fuck Target, boy! The Fructuous Friday Finance Show has come to an end. Until next time, thank you, America!