Transcript
Speaker: You're listening to Outnumber the Podcast, episode 158, How to Prevent Raising Entitled Children. Is there anything worse in the world than spoiled bratty children? What about entitled adults who don't know how to take care of anyone but themselves? In this episode, we're confronting the unfortunate societal trend of entitled children. We're going to address five basic tips, including setting clear expectations and boundaries, not rewarding every task or terror your child does, and not fixing their mistakes. So let's dive in.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey. Hello, friends. Welcome back to Outnumbered. We are
Speaker: gearing up to talk about a kind of icky subject, but it needs to be addressed, especially right after Christmas when so many kids are rolling in the toys and the plethora of things and feeling like they're on top of the world. And that is entitlement, like how to not raise bratty little children. Let's do this.
Speaker: Okay, first up, I have a little laundry tip that I thought I'd share. It's something I do and I didn't even think about it because I just do it all the time. Maybe you do it too. So maybe I'm not quite the genius that my husband thought I was when he saw me do it. But after I fill up the cup with soap,
Speaker: and dump it in the soap dispenser, then I throw that cup into the laundry with the laundry basket. Do you do that too, Bonnie? I do, but it took me years to figure that one out, like probably 12 years of doing my kids' laundry. And I was like, why do I keep having these gunky soap -filled cups sitting around everywhere? Wait a minute. I don't even have to touch it. I could just drop it in, then it gets clean. I was like, oh, that's genius. So anyway.
Speaker: Those sweet husbands. Vote of his confidence. I know, I know. Like maybe you needed laundry all the time. You'd come up with genius things. Right, right. You probably have your hacks for you, things that you do. Yeah. Well, initially, I thought for sure that they wouldn't last as long, that they would break or something eventually. But I have yet to have one that's broken. Eventually, I have to recycle them because I end up with so many. Right. Right. And they always put a new one on with a new laundry detergent thing. I don't know. Have you seen these? I keep getting ads for these new laundry strips. Have you seen those or tried those? No. No. No, cool.
Speaker: Somebody leave us a comment and tell us what those are about. Yeah. Tell us the full review if they're worth it. And then just a side note, don't forget we are on YouTube now. We cannot promise that we will have a live video with our faces every single week, but so far we're doing pretty good here in 2022. So come check us out there if you want to see what we look like in our messy backgrounds. We're trying. We're definitely not professional video
Speaker: Okay, so let's talk about entitlement for a minute. To start off, we love to look up definitions of words, right? And entitlement is believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. So it kind of sounds like a great way to live, but not a great way to have your children grow up, right? Nobody wants to deal with a child that thinks they're inherently deserving of privileges. Not really something we want to witness in our children or any of the children that our kids hang out with, right? Because it's kind of annoying.
Speaker: Yeah, we're just moms.
Speaker: funny little story here last night. So usually we have, when we serve supper, we usually have like, somehow we've gotten into serving several different kinds of meat with supper. So like if we're grilling, we'll do like steak and chicken and maybe hot dogs or bratwurst and salmon or something. So like just kind of a selection. So last night we served supper and all we had was chicken and, um,
Speaker: my seven -year -old son comes up and he surveys the layout and he says, only one kind of meat? I was like, okay, hang on, kid. You're being fed. You're not privileged. You're not entitled to
Speaker: earn or deserve or get more than one kind of meat. Like a smorgasbord of meats. In today's inflation rates, you're lucky to be getting any meat, kid. Right. Like, dude, it's not plain rice. You're welcome for feeding you so well. That's funny. It just goes to show when kids get used to a certain level of enjoyment or luxury or whatever, then they come to expect that as normal, right? Oh, so entitlement has been on the rise for many years, for a number of reasons.
Speaker: There's easier access to food. We have been able to afford several different kinds of meat, so it's there. It's being offered to the kids. Housing, it means it's less manual labor for kids. They don't have to work for their food. They don't have to raise their food. Here, if you follow the podcast for a while, you know that we do raise a lot of our food because we want our kids to have a value for that. I'll talk more about this later.
Speaker: That's a thing that we're choosing, not that has to be. They have to raise their food. So it means less manual labor. Western society values, the values have changed. So they value, more value is placed on, say, accomplishments.
Speaker: school, sports, things that aren't work, just not work. As much value is not placed on work. And so that's something that we can, in our mind, understand that value shift. But for kids, that's just the way it is. There's a general shift in thinking. And let's face it, kids are just more, they're more fragile.
Speaker: throw them out in a blizzard or in the woods for a week or something and they wouldn't survive. They're just fragile snowflakes. I wasn't going to use that word, but there I did. Yeah, you think about 100, 150 years ago, if a kid grew up knowing nothing more than how to run a household and grow a garden and raise meat to eat and everything,
Speaker: He'd be a pretty successful farmer or rancher and people would think that he was a good catch. Nowadays, you're like, oh, so you're just a hick then. You don't have any education. We just value this higher level of education and of finer things that are not necessarily connected to manual labor. Not necessarily a bad thing. I love that we don't have to dig in the dirt all day for our survival, but it does mean that kids often get to the point where they feel like things come from nothing.
Speaker: They don't see the back end of the work, especially because kids used to be, in an agrarian society, kids were very connected to where the money came from, the land, and they would see their parents work the land. Whereas now, my kids don't even know what my husband does. I mean, the big kids do, but half of them haven't even been to his office. They don't understand the work that goes into bringing home the money to feed the children, et cetera. So just a different lifestyle.
Speaker: I also feel like there's this attitude of appreciating and valuing mediocrity, like the participation medal trend going around, right? Like, why are we giving every child on a team a medal so that they can avoid feeling bad about not winning? Like, is that really the best use of our funds, like, to just hand out medals just so they don't feel bad? It's like, but is it failing and, you know, not winning part of life and just something we should adapt to? You know, it makes you think a little bit.
Speaker: reality TV or showing celebrities on social media, these ridiculously unrealistic lifestyles. And then this never -ending competition on Instagram and other social media platforms just have kids going, oh, well, there's this new iPhone now. I want one. Well, they have this thing. I need that. And you're like, nope, need is not the word I'm looking for.
Speaker: Um, I was recently reading a sample of the book, The Coddling of the American Mind. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it is fascinating. I highly recommend that if you want to kind of help yourself, um, learn why we've come to this place and how to shift your mindset in, in raising kids that aren't entitled. Yeah. It's kind of just become a general malady. Like we, we kind of see it as a good thing that we can afford. We live a life of plenty.
Speaker: we can afford to give our kids the things they ask for. So how do we do that? How do we give them the good things that they want and that we want to give them without raising entitled spoiled brats, adults that nobody wants to be around because, yeah. And I think it starts, I mean, like there's so many layers here. You guys know this isn't a political podcast, but our government by handing out money
Speaker: is contributing to this by just giving things to people without any work being involved. Yeah, you know, and I've thought about this multiple times. Like, can you imagine how painful it would be to get to a place financially where you couldn't feed your children or where you couldn't give them the things that they needed? That would be so painful to watch. But I would argue that it's almost just as hard to have the things that your children want and not give it to them because it's not good for them.
Speaker: Like that is a difficult thing to do. To have the money to buy your kid the latest iPhone and say, no, I will not do that because it's going to ruin you. You have to work for things. You have to learn the value of them. So it's just kind of a different side of the same coin of struggling to give your children the life that is best for them. And that might mean withholding something.
Speaker: Yeah, we think about it, um, as far as like, so we can afford to buy our kids candy bars, right? But that's not good for them to eat candy bars, um, every day consistently or several times a day that that's just not good for them. And we, like, we understand. And so we're okay with, yeah, my kids aren't getting Snickers every time they want. Like, like we understand that and we get that, but it's hard. I think harder for us to translate that into when they want things that are,
Speaker: also maybe not good for them. Like, you know, say the latest iPhone since we're using that for an example and they want it and they can give us some good reasons why they think they should have it. And one thing I kind of always go back to is like food shelter clothing. Okay. Nope. iPhone doesn't fall into that. So they're entitled to food shelter clothing and then
Speaker: iPhone's not in there. I'm perfectly okay with going back to the baseline of what is really necessary and what's not. Right. Is the government going to take your kid away if you say no to this thing? No. You can't say no to clothes. You can't say no to food. You have to give them that. I was also thinking that when our parents were growing up, healthy food was the cheaper food. Now, it's flipped.
Speaker: In order to feed your children healthy organic food, it's often more expensive than just a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. And so, have wheat.
Speaker: switched in that way in learning how to feed our children. Probably most of us have gone, we're going to pay a little bit more for this good produce because I know that that's better for my children than just feeding them microwave dinners, right? So that's an interesting metaphor to translate into possessions as well, right? Just because we can't afford it or it's cheaper than, you know, something that's more valuable to them at college education, then it doesn't mean it's, you know, better to give them. Okay, so our first step in raising
Speaker: unentitled children, non -entitled children, whatever, the opposite of entitled, is to be the adult. Stay unemotional when having these conversations, right? It's very easy to let them pull you into their drama, but everybody else has it. I hear that on the daily, right? But when they don't get what they want, they often devolve into like toddlers, right? And they start throwing temper tantrums even if they're 13 or 17 or whatever. But you know better and remind yourself, you know better.
Speaker: Talk to your spouse if you need backup. Talk to a friend to remind yourself that you are the grownup and it's your job to raise them the way you want them to turn out. Yeah. If you don't teach them to respond rationally and calmly by doing so yourself in just the little thing. Let's say they're asking for candy at the store. Teach them a calm and rational response.
Speaker: asking for candy at the store. And then maybe something bigger, they don't want to do their chores. So teach them the calm and rational response by doing that yourself. And we're going to get into more, dig into this a little bit deeper with some of our other tips we have for you. So how does this teach them not to be entitled? It's when we deny ourselves of, maybe we want to respond in a way that's
Speaker: emotional and frustrated and you know maybe like that so just in the very act of denying ourselves the first response that comes to us we're teaching them like through example as well that denying yourself is like the adult thing to do so you know next time you want you know fill in the blank or you feel like you're entitled for whatever this thing is
Speaker: you can maybe learn to deny yourself too because, you know, you've seen your parents denying themselves even in the first response or the emotion that might, you know, I mean, kids know when you're frustrated or you don't want to give them something. So they also know when you've denied that response and you're responding calmly, unemotionally in a rational manner to them, they can sense that too.
Speaker: So number two um you're going to need to set clear expectations with your children and here's the kicker be willing to follow through with them and this is so difficult. I recently learned that I thought I was a fairly strict mom. I thought that I set boundaries and expectations and then I followed through with them
Speaker: But what I realized was, no, I was just an angry mom. They would do something that was against the rules. I would rant and rave about it, and then I would go away. And there was like no real follow through with the consequences. It was just me ranting and raving. And that's how I was feeling better about the fact that they made these mistakes. I'm going, where is their motivation to change?
Speaker: They don't have any. They don't really care if mom's ranting and raving like okay Yeah, it's kind of annoying to listen to for a while and then they move on so instead When I work on staying unemotional and rational and say shoot It's really too bad that you threw the temper tantrum in the checkout line like we told you not to do That means you can't come to the store with me next time. I'm sorry. That's too bad
Speaker: So they have seen mom remain the adult, follow through with the consequences, and then they have the pain of the consequence, even though it's just a little thing. They know they can't come next time because mom follow through. So learn from my mistakes. It is very confusing for kids if you set up consequences and then you don't follow through on them. Like we have said so many times in this podcast, kids love boundaries.
Speaker: And I think we talked about it first in our episode on temper tantrums is a temper tantrum. One thing that that is, is a kid checking to see where the boundary is like, is, is this, is the boundary still here or can I, can I do this? And the boundary gets pushed a little farther. Like kids love boundaries, that security for them. And it's so, so, um, it, it produces insecurities. And then when the boundaries are constantly changing, constantly moving. So if you.
Speaker: Set a consequence, make sure you're willing to follow through on that. Cause it's, it's to their benefit. Like they, they actually want me to just to know that that, that line is still there where they want it to be. So getting angry, it doesn't change their behavior. Really. I mean, it's, we were talking in one of just last episode about, um, in inspiration, inspiring our kids. And it's so much easier to influence a kid, so much more effective to influence.
Speaker: than to use anger and try to push or change something like calm, clear consequences. You know what? I don't like this consequence either, but this is what it is. And then, you know, I talked a little bit about us here on the farm and them doing chores. And so consequences can be can be vital. Like, for example, if you don't do your chores and a rabbit doesn't get its water and it perhaps dies because of the heat stroke.
Speaker: That's a pretty big consequence. You had the power to, through your chores, through your responsibility, through learning this, you had the power to help another being stay alive or not. That's just so black and white on the consequences. And not like I'm letting my little kids run out there and forget to feed.
Speaker: forget to feed the animals or something of course not but you know maybe it's not quite as drastic as that maybe oh I think I've shared this example before you know you forgot to give the dog water and it was really hot and the dog went two hours without any water so now you're gonna go two hours without drinking water
Speaker: case. So when you say that, of course, all you can think about is that you're thirsty and you want to drink water. No kid is going to die in an air conditioned home without drinking water for two hours. But really, that's all they can think about. And so it really does work on that. You know, they start thinking, I am entitled to have water. I deserve this water. Like I mom, so me not giving me this water. But if it's connected to, you know, definite consequences, your dog went two hours without water. So you get to go two hours without water.
Speaker: Like, it just really does something for them to kind of step into the shoes of someone or something else. Yeah. You know, about the boundaries that you're talking about, it's such a powerful lesson and one that we forget about because we just want our children to not suffer, right? It's so hard to watch your children suffer, even if it's some suffering that they brought on themselves. And to stay remaining adult and tell yourself, no, this is the growing process where they learn. But I know I've shared this before on the podcast, but I love this metaphor of boundaries.
Speaker: When you get into a roller coaster seat and you pull down the safety security belt thing, what's the first thing you do to it? You push back on it, right? And are you hoping that it fails? No, you're hoping it stays. You're pushing back to make sure that it's secure because if I'm going to do a loop -de -loop, I want to make sure I am in here tight, right?
Speaker: And that's exactly what kids do. They push back on boundaries all day long because they want to know the size of their box. They want to know the size of their boundaries. How far can I go? And it's not because their life is so miserable because you've given them these boundaries. It's because that gives them safety and security. And it doesn't always make sense to us because we're not all child psychologists, but
Speaker: The research shows the kids with the boundaries are the ones that form the strongest attachments that are the most secure, that are the most well -behaved because they know what's expected of them and where to not leave. And they will try to cross them all the time and you just remind them, nope, that's a boundary, remember? And now there's a little consequence because of that and they stay where they're at and they live so much happier lives. It's pretty fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Moving on to number three, don't give your children something for nothing.
Speaker: We talked about this a lot the way that we handle this, especially with our older children in quite a few of our past episodes. I think one good one to refer you to for teens is preparing to launch how we do that.
Speaker: So for example, let's say it's time for a kid to have a phone. How we handle that at our house is that the kids have to, in order to have a phone, they have to be able to afford the monthly payment on the phone. Same thing with a car. If they have a car, they have to be able to afford the monthly insurance. So it's not like, oh, you're my kid. Here's my car. Here's the keys.
Speaker: try not to wreck it or something. But there's definite connection to this isn't free. You think about it this way, just because you're my kid living in my house.
Speaker: Would I just hand the keys over to the neighbor kid that, you know, the next door neighbor? Uh, no. So what makes you think you're entitled to my keys, to my car, just because you're my kid. It's not a right just because you live here and you came out of my body. Sorry. So don't give your kids something for nothing. And they appreciate it so much more. The final example I share here is, um, my kids paying for their own college education.
Speaker: And I did share this in episode, I think it's episode 25 on how to afford kids about how our kids pay for their own college education. And my kids, I think I've shared this before that they go into those college classes and they sit down and they look around and they cannot. They are just astounded at the behavior of the other kids because they, they come to the conclusion, these kids are not paying for their own education because they're not taking it seriously. Um, it's just like, they're entitled to be there and, you know, get a degree or whatever. It's like, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, mom and dad are paying this, or whatever. But that's the final example I wanted to share about if they work for it, they appreciate it. Absolutely. Yeah. And studies have shown that over and over that the kids who pay for their college or their trip around the world or whatever it is value it so much more. And that's hard because those are big ticket items. And we all, if you work through college, you know sometimes it requires holding down a job and doing college classes.
Speaker: know, all the things that come with that. But man, the character that that builds is huge, right? So this applies to so many other areas as well, as I was thinking about this, not just in regards to money or gifts. It applies to replacing broken belongings. When's the last time your kid broke something because he was careless and you just went out and bought a new one? What's that teaching him, right? Well, if I'm careless, mom will take care of it. It's okay, right?
Speaker: or you mentioned cars or insurance, so those big ticket experiences that kids want, like as soon as they become teenagers, well, the school band is going to Europe.
Speaker: all right are you gonna come up with the two thousand dollars then because that you're getting this amazing trip why is it coming out of my pocket should be something you work for right um what about giving your kid a ride somewhere every time they ask for it right i mean yeah sure they are entitled to a ride to school and to the doctor's office but to a friend's house every afternoon or you know halfway across town because they just really want to go shopping like start thinking about the things that you do for your children day in and day out and and find experience or opportunities for them
Speaker: earn those things so they understand the value of them. Even small children can learn to earn things like playing with friends. So my kids are not allowed to go out and have like play dates or play with someone other than the neighbor kids just down the street unless they have earned it in some way because I'm going to either have to create some sort of a ride for them or take time out of my schedule to get them there and plan it with their mom. Or even a trip to the zoo, right? What can the kids do to earn something big like that, especially if it's going to cost you money?
Speaker: a new bike. Like sometimes bikes wear out, which I get that, but they've had all this enjoyment and a bike is not an essential thing. It's a really fun thing, but how can they pitch in towards replacing that? Or what about something essential like shoes or clothes, but they were bad stewards. They left their shoes out in the rain and they got ruined. Then what? Do you just go buy new ones or do you allow your children opportunities to replace them?
Speaker: Yeah. Or wear their mud boots when they're wet to do chores because they left them out in the rain. Sorry. You can tell we have lots of experiences of children breaking or losing or damaging things, right? And what do we do about it? Yes. Yes. So one thing we have found is that the reward of accomplishing something
Speaker: is enough. That feeling of accomplishment, that great, I mean, you know, you know that feeling because you felt that too. That's enough. There doesn't have to be an additional reward or price or experience or, you know, money or something.
Speaker: Just allow them to experience and really, really find pleasure in the reward of accomplishing something, the feeling of accomplishment. If you actually are doing them a disservice, if you connect that feeling of accomplishment with something consumable.
Speaker: because then they consume it, say, and it goes away. And then what happened to the feeling accomplishment? Do they have to go, you know, whatever? It's just let accomplishment be enough. Producing something is so, so satisfying. Like producing something that like if you do chores and you, you know, weed the garden and then there's nice cucumbers to eat and you get to eat them, that's a really cool reward. I don't have to take you skating because, you know, you,
Speaker: waited the garden for me. I mean, just producing something, just accomplishing something. Allow your kids the pleasure of feeling those feelings without connecting a reward to it. And that really, we have found, goes a long way in taking away some of that entitlement.
Speaker: feeling. That's a really great point. And we almost cheat them out of the opportunity of feeling that satisfaction when we have to reward all of things. So that leads us into our number four tip, which is to not reward your child for every task or chore. There should be some things they do just because they live in your household. As we talk about earning things, we can be tempted to attach something to every little thing they do is, oh, good job. Now I'm going to go give you a little treat. And now I'm going to give you a little
Speaker: And besides the fact that you're just going to end up with more cavities and more junky toys around the house as you reward everything, it takes away that satisfaction. And the expectation that there will be work in their future forever. Like, that is life. We are designed to need work, both manual and mental work, to survive. There's a reason that we can't just go outside and live on the street because the world has been designed for our working benefit, right? We've got to go out there and work.
Speaker: Um, and so your children will learn the value of that as you allow them the chance to do it around the house. Yeah. Yeah. Some tasks should be non -negotiable. No rewards. Like, like things they do because of things that you do for them without any reward. You feed them. You do their laundry. You give them a place to live. You clothe them. What reward do you get for that? Like, like turn it around on them, on your teenager asking for the latest designer jeans.
Speaker: Well, hang on. I'm washing your jeans. I'm clothing you. I'm giving you a place to live. Do you pay rent? No. Do you have to buy your food? No. Like not every thing that you do, I don't get paid for doing your laundry, right? So make your bed in the morning like, no, I'm not going to reward you for that. That's something you do because that's a standard we have in our house that we've decided that we're going to do. Picking up after yourself. That's just respect. You're learning respect when you're doing that.
Speaker: I'm not going to reward you for respecting me. That's your job. You're entitled to learn how to respect somebody. Helping with meals. Did you make this meal? No. Then don't complain about it. Help clean up. Say thank you. Feeding the pets. Again, I talked about some of the more serious consequences. If you don't, they're going to die because I'm not going to go out there and feed your pet for you. That's your pet.
Speaker: or, you know, your prize pig or whatever it happens to be that they're raising. And so rewarding, again, rewarding them is kind of like, you know, for every little thing they do is kind of like Pavlov's dog, you know, you teach them to drool every time a bell rings. And pretty soon, every time they hear a bell, they drool. Same idea. You're training them that, like, I did a job. Where's my candy? Where's my prize? I know. I know. Yeah, drool, drool, drool.
Speaker: It's funny that you mentioned that about meals last night. So I generally enjoy cooking dinner for my family. Sometimes I don't and we have leftovers and it's fine. But it's one of those things that I just kind of, I enjoy creating a atmosphere for us to all sit down and sit together. But last night I made a meal that half of it was good and the other half did not come out. And everybody had something to say about it. And for a while we kind of joked about it because it was obviously, it obviously didn't turn out. But finally I said, you know,
Speaker: When 435 rolls around, it's time for me to start dinner. And I start thinking about all the things that kids have said to me in the past about their dinner. Ew, this is gross. Ew, this looks weird. Ew, I don't... You know, guess how motivated I am to make you dinner? Not motivated at all, right? So if you would like mom to keep making... I mean, I can feed you without making a beautiful, delicious dinner. We can just throw out leftovers or you can have cereal. Would you like that? Like the...
Speaker: you clue them into the fact that some of these things that they are used to having day in, day out require work on someone's part. And generally kids figure that out. 12, 13, they're like, oh yeah, there's a lot of work behind the scenes that go on. But those little kids do not know. And it's really important that they are aware earlier rather than later so that they can appreciate it and then prepare themselves to be doing the work of taking care of themselves as they get older. Right?
Speaker: If you choose, you can create a reward system that goes above and beyond what it takes to run a household so that your kids can earn money or rewards. I think this is a really fun way of helping your little ones earn some money, right? So little kids generally don't have a ton of opportunities to earn outside of the home. They can, and you can help them with that too, lemonade stand or something.
Speaker: But I also like to have those deep cleaning things that I never get to, maybe baseboards or something to kind of farm that out and say, oh yeah, would you like to earn a trip to this gating rink? All right, well, we're going to have to do this, this, this, this, and this. And I have no problem with that because it's stuff that's out of the ordinary. So that's always an option. But we're just suggesting that those everyday tasks that are required to run a household not be rewarding.
Speaker: Okay, moving on to number five, don't fix their mistakes. Oh, so hard. So hard. But when this is all part of learning about consequences and what they are and how they affect them. And, you know, if you just swoop in and fix it every time they make a mistake, then they then they begin to believe they're entitled to have somebody fix their mistakes. You know, they they drop their iPhone and the screen cracks. Hey, mom, my screen's cracked. I need a new one. Oh, really?
Speaker: No, actually, now you're going to have to deal with this broken screen because I can't fix it for you. You can go earn some money and fix it yourself, but I'm not fixing it for you. I didn't drop the phone. Yeah, we mentioned this a little bit before, but this is one aspect of entitlement that we often overlook because, well, something's broken and needs to be fixed or replaced. Stepping in to save our children from the pain of their mistakes is
Speaker: a big no -no. Like if you don't want an entitled child, you let them feel that pain and it's hard. It's really hard to watch a kid suffer, right? Something happened recently and I can't remember the specifics. I think it was some sort of hoverboard or something that a child asked for for a birthday or Christmas.
Speaker: And it got ruined really quickly afterwards. They left it out in the rain or something. And I felt awful. Like, it made me feel sick inside that this awesome new toy that they had had was ruined. But I thought, like, the last thing I'm going to do is go replace it for you after you prove that you can't take care of it, you know? So letting them go through that pain is really, really helpful. They need to do hard things like replace a window that they broke or apologize to an adult, right? They've done something wrong. They need to go apologize to the neighbor.
Speaker: That is hard. I have some really clear memories as a child of apologizing to adults because I did something foolish. And that stuck with me for a long time. One of my sons was kicking a ball in the house against the rules and hit our computer screen and shattered it. And it was a school computer, so it had to be replaced. So I replaced the screen. But then that whatever it cost was deducted from his
Speaker: Um, we have this spreadsheet where we organize finances, but it was deducted from him and he couldn't do anything fun or hang out with friends until it was paid off. And he's not old enough for a job. So he had to get real creative and do some babysitting and earn money in a variety of ways to pay off this, the screen. And it was a good lesson learned. Oh, I know it. I know. But if you think, oh, I could fix their mistakes when they're little because I'm their mom, you know, and I kiss their boo -boos.
Speaker: just realize that the mistakes grow in size and in financial scope as they get older. So they're driving your car and they get an offender bender. Are you going to fix that one for them too? Really? And if you apologize for them, like, you know, you can apologize for your toddler hitting some other kid's toddler at the park, but also teach your toddler. They need to apologize and apologize to the parent.
Speaker: When they're, you know, when they're a teenager and they, they screw up, are you going to go apologize for them too? Like what, what would you think if some teenager's mom came and apologized to you, you'd be like, uh, yeah, and where's your kid? Yeah. So it's, it's like just this, like going back to what you said about building character. People make mistakes in life. Nobody's perfect. Mistakes have to be fixed. So it's a skill that you're actually.
Speaker: giving them the gift of having to fix their own mistakes is if you let them start learning that early. It's hard. I mean, I, you know, I'm stuttering and stammering over here because it's hard as a mom. That's like, we're the fixers. Like we kiss the booboos and make them better. We want to see them in pain for sure. Yeah, that's hard. Yeah, I know it. And then watching your kid makes mistakes is
Speaker: It's really hard when you know how the end of something is going to come out and you watch them make that mistake and you're just like, Oh my goodness. Sometimes even letting them make those mistakes that you know, not just, you know, not fixing them afterward, but letting them go into that experience that you know is going to have to be fixed. Ooh, that's a hard one too.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah. You know, one thing that's helped me is to envision, like, I think we all have examples in our lives of adults who were clearly raised fairly entitled because they act that way as adults. Think of those examples the next time you have to let your kid sit with his pain for a little bit and just think, that is what I'm avoiding. I'm avoiding him being that guy in the office that never cleans up his mess, is rude to people and never apologizes and never takes responsibility because he was not taught as a young child, right? We do not want our children to turn out like that guy.
Speaker: Oh, no, no. One thing I've been saying even to my very smallest children is, you know, they'll come in from outside and drop their coat and their shoes and like there'll be this path behind them. Yeah. And I'll just stop them and I'll turn around and have them look at the path and say.
Speaker: Who's going to clean this up for you? Like do you turn around? Do you see what you just did? Who is going to clean that up for you? Not going to be me because like I'm not your slave and I'm not getting paid for that. So one, two, three, not it. I know. I know who's going to clean that up for you. Like just making them aware and even some self -awareness is a really good thing to help help a kid know when they're being entitled is teach them self -awareness. So like when you say something, then
Speaker: have a little tape recorder in your head and play that back. Did you just hear what you said? Let's press rewind and play that one again because maybe you should listen to how that sounds. Just a self -awareness is a really, really good and complicated gift to give a kid. Yeah, I know a lot of adults that don't have that gift yet either.
Speaker: So, one final thought I wanted to share is when we compare the little kids to the big kids, right, the toddlers to the teens, it's really easy, like you're saying, to coddle the toddlers. They get hurt, you want to fix their problems. I don't even mind picking up after them because they're just so cute. But when we don't ask the little ones to do the hard things, it's very easy for them to very quickly grow up into these teens that don't do hard things and then young adults that don't do hard things.
Speaker: Um, because like you said, it's our job as moms to protect them in so many ways, physically and emotionally. And you just want to, you know, keep them in your little embrace forever, right? Um, but as they get older, the stakes get higher, you know, like we've mentioned, crashing a car or, um, breaking computers or things that are very expensive and costly.
Speaker: And even their physical safety, the stakes get higher, right? All of a sudden, they're the one driving cars or their friends are, and we're talking lives are at stake, right? If they're not responsible. All of a sudden, as they grow up, they need to learn how to pay their own bills or negotiate wages at a job, how to talk to college professors, which if you can't apologize to a neighbor, good luck talking to a professor and trying to get an extension on a paper that you didn't finish. And teaching these skills early on will just raise the most amazing
Speaker: capable, level -headed adults. And it's painful as a parent. It totally is. This is a part of parenting that I do not really enjoy making them do the hard things, but it's so worth it. Yes. So I have one final thought, one final tool that I've used in helping my kids when dealing with entitlement. And it's having them serve or spend time around those who have less. So that is just an amazingly effective tool.
Speaker: to make a kid thankful for what they have and not entitled that they need every last thing. If you have some neighbors or somebody you know in your community that is really, okay, so let's first address financially has less than you, like to the point of neediness. Your kids spend time serving, making a meal for them, taking it over, delivering it, maybe seeing the condition of the house as you carry it into the kitchen.
Speaker: that does amazing things for a kid to be thankful for what they have and just strips that entitlement away. Okay, so then that's one example, people who are financially in a poorer position than you. Another way that I have really helped my kids not be entitled is spending time around people who are physically less able than they are. So everything from
Speaker: like older people who just can't move and get around anymore. Or kids with physical disabilities, we have a very sweet friend whose daughter lost her leg in a climbing accident. And my kids are thankful that they can walk after they spend time interacting. They, like it just strips away so much of this entitlement, like, oh, I just, you know, I need this or I get this or I want this. Like then, you know, we just say, you know, think of our little friend,
Speaker: She doesn't have rollerblades because she didn't have two legs. And so, you know, she like, why are you being so demanding about rollerblades? At least you have two legs. And it is, it is kind of an extreme example, but it's okay to show kids those who are in a lesser, um, entitled state than they are. And then, um, like I mentioned, you know, older people.
Speaker: just share something very sweet. My two older ladies that we know that were caring for their husbands who just passed away. And they were spending a lot of time around, you know, in nursing homes and people who were, you know, in wheelchairs and losing their faculties and all that. And these sweet, sweet wives who've recently lost their husbands were just like, I'm so thankful
Speaker: that I have, you know, the ability to walk and the ability to think and the ability to cook. And so you just expose your kids to that kind of thing. You know, you go visit those people in the nursing home and you go visit those people who have that knowledge, that wisdom, and just the just the vision that it brings to your kids to spend
Speaker: time around that. It kind of makes them really thankful for what they have. And I mean, not like we never give our kids stuff and we don't reward them to make them, you know, spend time. But it's, it's a beautiful, wise perspective to have in life. And it's, I think I've mentioned, you know, gift, the word gift several times through this episode, but I really do believe it's a gift that we have given our children is to have them interact and spend time around people who
Speaker: have and are less. Yes, such wise thoughts. Anytime you service is almost always a surefire antidote to selfishness, right? And the feeling of entitlement.
Speaker: So those are our thoughts for you guys today. We hope that was helpful. We love our little kids. We love your little kids. Little kids are just so great. But there are a few key takeaways that we can use in our life to help them become so capable and so selfless. And we hope that you'll use them in your life. We'll talk to you later.
Speaker: Thanks for listening, friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
Speaker: He's a great little talker, too. My two -year -old is like, you cannot get him to shut up now. I'm like, oh, this is great, but now I can't pretend I don't know what you're talking about. I said I wanted a cookie, Mom, right now, please. I know, I know. Sometimes, I know, he's such a clear talker. I can't say in the past with some kids, you know, they'll say something inappropriate to a stranger or something. I'll be like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand him either. I know, but when they're a clear talker, I'm like, I know, I know.
Speaker: You know what he said? Actually, so he's been picking up naughty words, of course. And the other day is four years. My four -year -old is the worst. She picks up everything around the house and parrots it. And I'm like, you guys, I'm going to give you all soap if she says these words anymore. And some of it is stuff that I don't, that a teenager's going to say like big deal, shut up or something. But my four -year -old cannot say. Anyway, she said something and he turned to her and went, Alice, that's a bad word. Like now he's calling her out on it because even he knows, you're not supposed to say these words. I don't know what her problem is.
Speaker: Oh my goodness, that's so cute. I mean, it's adorable, but not when they're, you know, sick, 13 in a potty mouth.
