Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Kalerinden, the hireling chronicles.
Speaker: Kalerinden is an actual play Dungeons and Dragons podcast in which we will actually play Dungeons Dragons as a podcast. My name is David Case LeClaire and I will be the narrator and game master for these sessions.
Speaker: Calerondon is a world of magic and adventure, a world of wet water, dusty dirt, and tautological titles. It is a world perpetually beset by the forces of chaos, but every time the darkness returns, epic heroes rise to save the realm.
Speaker: But our story is not about the epic heroes, at least not directly. Our story is about three novice adventurers that have recently agreed to carry the epic hero's baggage. And joining me as the Hardy hirelings, we have Dave Sturgis as... i am playing Fredegar from the the farms over there.
Speaker: Fred is generally a fairly positive, polite person, but he does regret some things. There are certainly some things he wished he had asked his father before his father departed. about the Fey Realm and some of the other things that have been going on lately. And he has tried to always be the more worldly liaison between the farm folk and the rest of Mud Puddle, but he really missed the boat on that whole buying the farm thing that just happened. So I'll have to figure that one out.
Speaker: And Drew Gleason as... Darwinius Gorf Nozzlesnoth. Snot really regret letting Fizzwhiz out of Sack. Okay.
Speaker: We all regret that. And Beth Gleason as... Lilia Thomas. And Beth regrets not letting Snot eat the fairy honey, because I think that would have been really hilarious.
Speaker: And Lilia regrets not smashing Fizz Whiz. lot of regrets around Fizz Whiz. A lot of regrets around Fizz Whiz. I'm a little scared that Lilia's regret is the same as Snot.
Speaker: I'm not sure how I feel about that. Well, we'll see in this episode if our adventurers do anything else that they regret. Probably yes.
Speaker: In our last episode, after retrieving Topaz Flimflake's armor from a dryad grove, the party has reluctantly agreed to head back into the Murkmire to have a chat with the mysterious Swamp Lady.
Speaker: Talonvor hopes to discover the source of the strange sickness that afflicted them. Snot just hopes not to get eaten.
Speaker: And as we return to our adventure, the swamp burbles gently before you. You have just acquired a variety pack of muffins from Brio Cinnabon, and along with the epic heroes Talonvor, Sharnanan, and Topaz, you stand ready to proceed.
Speaker: What would you like to do? Snot is going to, with several reluctant glances back at the Brioche residents, is going to lead into the swamp in the direction that really is just like the deepest area of the swamp.
Speaker: Okay. But you are trying to lead them towards the Grey Grim Fens where the swamp lady lurks. Yes. Yes. Okay. The swampiest swamp. You're going to need to make a survival check with disadvantage.
Speaker: Oh, goody. Eight. Okay. Roll a 1d4.
Speaker: Two. As you're leading people into the swamp, the swamp gets deeper. The muck is up to the tip of your boots.
Speaker: Trees are glowing close around you. And it's not you're having... you know where to go, but something about your unease. You realize you've led people the wrong direction.
Speaker: led them into a deeper part of the bog, and as you get there, huge swarm of gnats rises up out of the macaragia. So, everybody needs to make a constitution saving throw, difficulty 12. That's an 8.
Speaker: eighteen five 18. 5. Okay, checking. Topaz, flint, flint. Wait, why is Sharnanon saying the name of Topaz?
Speaker: I don't know. Why? It is just fun to say. Wee ho ho ho. So Topaz, Fredegar, and Lily are swarmed by the gnats. They just get, like, under your armor if you're wearing it, or clothes are, like, stinging you, biting you, making a nuisance, and find yourself getting unwell.
Speaker: You have one level of exhaustion. wow Topaz is, like, swearing ah blue streak. I'm solid for Arden's balls. Um, okay, Snot just remember, uh, this way to Nats, but you say Swamp Lady, right?
Speaker: Yes, Swamp Lady. Not Nats. No. Not Nats. Uh, no. Not Nats, please. Okay, okay. Snot is going to step over to the side and rub his hands together.
Speaker: and tug on one ear and cast Guidance upon himself. Following that, he is going to attempt to find the correct route to get the part of the swamp we want.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Stop, once again, you will make a survival check with disadvantage and then add Ah!
Speaker: 12. Okay. You move everyone away from the gnats and they sink back into the mud as you go away from them and go back into the swampy willows.
Speaker: And you move along. Could I get another 4. Okay.
Speaker: Snot, as you're leading them on, you you're moving them through the ways, trying to stick to the drier lands. Kind of having to circle around because of the way the bushes are arranged here.
Speaker: They're these thorny bushes, they're called, that you definitely want to stay away from. But... On account of the thorns. They're super thorny. As you go around... Bushes are like me so thorny. You get the sinking feeling that you are once again...
Speaker: You bring people the wrong way and you get sudden premonition that, oh, you've been here before. And as you do that, from the bushes around you, tendrils like lash out at everyone.
Speaker: Making a athletics or acrobatics check of difficulty 13. And roll it. Well, those of us who failed are at disadvantage now because of the exhaustion.
Speaker: You're not at disadvantage. You have a minus two. Oh, right.
Speaker: The vines are not going after Snot. Oh. They wrap around Lily and Talonvor, and they grab you around the regs and yank you down, and both of you fall down face first into the muck, and then they're yanking you back into the plants, and as you're moving towards the bush, you see a great toothy maw in the center of a large flower that opens up.
Speaker: The vines are yanking you into it. Does anybody want to do anything before you get eaten? ah yeah Can Fred try to grab the nearest person being pulled in? and Yeah, I think Fred's nearer to Lily, so you want to try to grab Lily?
Speaker: Yeah. So make a an athletics check.
Speaker: Right, that's a 16 minus 2 is 14. Okay, now are you going to rise up, or are you just going to try and grab her? I think he's going to rise up. This seems kind of bad. so you'd have advantage on that.
Speaker: right.
Speaker: 20 minus 2 or 20 plus 6 minus 2 is 24. Okay. So, Fred, you rising up, you getting your Arnie body on and you dive down into the muck, grabbing Lily and tearing her physically out of the vines as the teeth like snap at her feet.
Speaker: Thank you. yes Abandoning my dad bod form. Yeah. Talonvor seemed have been stunned momentarily as he was face first into the mock and he's being pulled into the flower.
Speaker: Starts chewing on his foot for six damage. good But as he does that, Topaz leaps at it with her axe out and swings hefty thing and just slings right into the face of the toothy flower.
Speaker: Just hacks into it. Horrible green ooze bursts out. And it goes limp. And Jeep yanks Talonvor out of it. She's like, Oi! Don't let them wee beasts get you, Tal.
Speaker: You're getting slow. Were there multiples of maws or just one maw and lots of tendrils? There were multiple maws on either side of the the area. But as you've yanked people out of them, they seem to retreat, their tongues slithering back into the bushes.
Speaker: Ah! So the people who are grabbed now have either freed themselves or... They've been freed. Okay. And they're standing back up and Talonvor's limping a little where his foot has been gashed.
Speaker: You alright, Lily? I'm okay. Thank you. Snot's going to run over. Can Snot use healing word Talonvor? Yes.
Speaker: elmo yes
Speaker: Seven hit points back. I guess it's the full. Yeah. Um, okay, this, uh, wait, this not Swamp Lady, this, uh, Swamp, uh, starts tracking his brain for something that rhymes with lady.
Speaker: Yeah, he trails off. Sharnavan is like, is it the Grasp Lady? Yes, yes, Grasp Grasp Lady. Snop little bit confused one moment.
Speaker: He is going to step aside again and kind of rubbing his temples and finds not get it together man.
Speaker: I think he is going to attempt to use guidance again to try to figure out the path. Yeah. Okay well that's less terrible.
Speaker: Well that's 19. Okay. And after you cast the Healing Word and and sort of the moss grew around Talonvor's leg and then went away, Sharnanan did go over and and mended his boot again. The guy, you have to be careful about your boots.
Speaker: Um, okay, okay. Swamp lady, this way. It's not points with confidence. Okay. So once again, you set out through the mire,
Speaker: You feel a little more confident about it this time. You try to really focus, you know, the swamp can be tricksy. So you put that aside and hold on to the thought of, yeah you've really got to get these people safely.
Speaker: I mean, he doesn't know where the Swamp Lady is. He just knows where that, what was it, the Grey? Grey Grimm Fens. Grey Grimm Fens are. Yeah. Generally speaking, when he's encountered the Swamp Lady, before she's done the finding.
Speaker: Right. Well, you do find walkway after a while, leading into an area where the swampy willows grow tall and the thornbrush bushes crowd the path, their sharp leaves glinting wetly in the gloom.
Speaker: A thick fog rises above the muck. And as you walk down this path, the sounds of the swamp are smothered by a muffled echo.
Speaker: Snot's going to go slower. It's just naturally kind of slow down. Talonvor's like, are sure this time, Snot? You're sure? What?
Speaker: Does this not look grim to you? No, it does. You're right. Also gray. Yeah. Ahead of you, ah the bushes part. The land rises up slightly, and as you walk out into a small area of dry land in the swamp, you see a sizable house made of weathered planks and decaying thatch.
Speaker: A rickety walkway of uneven steps leads up to the door. There's a rough wooden sign nailed next to the door that says, Bronog Waxwillow, consulting solutionist slash aspiring humorist.
Speaker: Has Snot ever seen this place before? It sounds like no. The Swamp Lady has always sought out Snot before. Ah, this... Excellent work, Snot. I knew you were going to guess, yeah.
Speaker: This Swamp Lady house... right Topaz, you're not looking too well. Why don't you stay out here and, well, I don't want to all the crowd in there.
Speaker: Sharnanon, why don't you go in with Snot and, I don't know, Fred, Lily? Snot is shuffling his way towards the back of the group, towards Fred and Lily. Snot, you don't want to go in?
Speaker: Swamp Lady only like to talk to powerful adventurer. Well, that's you, Snot. You're a powerful adventurer. Congratulations. Didn't you say you were level six?
Speaker: Uh, five.
Speaker: Talonvor looks at Fred and and Lily. ah You're the yeah local expert, Mr. Snot. Snot, you know her. You can talk to her for us.
Speaker: Yes. Okay.
Speaker: Come here. He motions to Lily and Fred to get closer to him. right He is going to tug on his ear and mutter some things while his left hand is clutching the icon around his neck. And he's going to cast Longstrider on each of them, so I'm upcasting it.
Speaker: Okay. If Swamp Lay the Grouchy, run fast. He's going to go back to Talonvor and make his way to the front door of this house.
Speaker: So are Lily and Fred going in with Snot or going up behind Snot as well? Yeah. Yep. All right. And do you want any of the heroes to go with you?
Speaker: Oh, yes. Not trying to take at least Talonvor. All right. Talonvor will agree to go if you pull on. Trying to wave Lily and Fred off, but they don't seem to be getting it. Shardinon wants to go with you, but Talonvor's like, no, no, stay out here with Topaz.
Speaker: Oh, they want to see. Does it have like a little fence around it? No, I mean, there's bushes. Like the sharp, thorny bushes are all around the outside, so it makes a kind of de facto fence.
Speaker: But you're already inside that. Not a de jure fence. um Okay. In the eyes of the law. I now pronounce you house and fence.
Speaker: Okay, it's not... is going to walk just close enough that he can reach the door with stick and he's going to wrap on it twice and then jump back.
Speaker: As you reach up to wrap on it, the door just flies open inwards of its own accord. And he's going to jump back anyway. You hear a voice from inside. Come in Who's knocking?
Speaker: Is this a familiar voice? Um, her voice changes a lot sometimes. Okay. Ah, he looks at Talonvor. Technically, we didn't actually get to knock, but that's okay.
Speaker: Talonvor's like, um, hello? Uh, we're looking for the, uh, swamp lady. Um, just thought we might, have few questions. Oh, yes.
Speaker: I love questions. Oh, come in. Wait a minute. Is that not a spy out there? Little Darwinius?
Speaker: Um... Ooh, come in. that Snot just guide. a Talonvor, go talk to lady. Snot is running back towards Lilia and Fred.
Speaker: He's like got his stick held across in front of him and he's trying to push them back like it's a... like a riot baton or something. Discourage them from advancing.
Speaker: Don't be shy. there Is Talonvor doing any? Is he? He's kind of watching you like, come on, come on, let's go. She seems nice.
Speaker: Snog shuts his eyes very hard and then turns away from Fred and Lilia and marches somewhat stiffly back up to the door. Peeks his head in.
Speaker: The inside is crowded with junk. There is furniture inside, but is mostly piled high. with everything. Crude paintings, figurines, reed baskets filled with dolls, sculptures ah of twig and twine, glistening stones of all sizes.
Speaker: It's just packed with of a lot of the sort of stuff that adventurers might come out into the swamp with. Yeah, maybe a few weapons back in there and backpacks hanging from the wall.
Speaker: What about bones? Are there a lot of bones? Yeah.
Speaker: There is a large bent woman that Snot does recognize. She has mottled green skin and a kind of twisted nose, and she's sitting upon a padded couch near the wall, wearing a kind of blue woolen robe, and appears to be weaving something with heavy yarn.
Speaker: And the room has the rich aroma of moldering leaves.
Speaker: Talonvor kind of says, right, let's go. ah He's got the basket. Yeah. Um, we've brought you some muffins. Muffin? Snot brought hero with muffins.
Speaker: Oh, Snot. He's going to sort of prod his stick at Talimvor. Talimvor goes inside awkwardly. kind of bows a little. He's like, um, namaste.
Speaker: Uh. Snot has, like, pointedly stopped at the threshold. Come, Snot, get in here. Come on, back me up. Uh. As if he was stepping into a very hot bath, so he's going to put a foot in the doorway and step in the other one. He's looking all around with wide eyes.
Speaker: Are Fred and Lily going to go in? How big a doorway is this? Like, are we going in one at a time? Yeah, you have to go in one at a time. Okay. The inside is packed, but it is large as well, so there is room for everybody, well, for the four of you anyway, to go and stand.
Speaker: come on come on don't be shy
Speaker: ask ask questions ask I will I mean do we give her the muffins first like alright it's not suggested that you like muffins so we brought what are you doing and so we brought you hands up gesture like I had nothing to do with this have Lily and Fred now that his room have you guys come inside Yes.
Speaker: Yeah. So as you step in, the door does, of course, slam shut behind you. Of course. so So wait, who's that got inside now? Talonvor, Fred, and Lily, but not Topaz and... No, Topaz and Sharnan are staying outside to keep an eye on things.
Speaker: What a great idea. Talonvor brings the basket over to the woman, like, stumbling across a bag that makes a kind of rattling noise. Like a bones rattling noise?
Speaker: Yeah, something like that. like Oh, sorry about your um bones or whatever. um
Speaker: This lady's got a lot of teeth. He opens the basket and kind of shows. He's like, look, muffins. Nice, right? These are fresh from that gnome guy, Brioche. Do you know him?
Speaker: No? Okay. He puts it on the table next to her. She looks at it. She says, Oh, muffins. There are other things I like to eat, but muffins are okay sometimes.
Speaker: Now, Snort, tell me about these heroes you have brought to me. It's been so long.
Speaker: heroes at Talonvor is my hero. I see that. Look at his biceps. Yes, lots of meat on Talonvor.
Speaker: He have questions. I don't know if i would phrase it that way. is this like a goblin thing? Like, you can't look how much meat people have. ah yeah Yes, perhaps we should say legendary. yeah Also, that f i Fred little lady.
Speaker: Wave stick at them. Oh, look at Fred, he's so tall. no and Miss Lily, welcome to my humble home.
Speaker: You're juicy. ah for to have Thanks?
Speaker: We have said that about her, yes.
Speaker: Fred, that's so sad, have crotch rot.
Speaker: Oh, do you want me to cure it? um I'm good at that. Fred gives snot a significant look. um I'm quite all right, thank you.
Speaker: Oh, if you change your mind. um all right. This lady does good crotch work. All right, so I think we're getting...
Speaker: Thank for your, wonderful home. I it's very, very comfy in Nice on the but we made yes, ah it it's very ah comfy and yeah nice natural environment but bit of trouble on the way but i'm glad we made it oh yes trouble yes not did you lead people into trouble did
Speaker: Uh... Swamp... No. yeah No, no. ah Oh, the swamp is tricky. Misunderstand.
Speaker: Oh, but do you know the swamp so well, Snot. Ooh. Snot having bad day. Well, you certainly will be soon. Maybe. I don't know. I can't see the future.
Speaker: Snot is just... shooting significant looks back and forth at Fred and Lily and slowly, slowly backing towards the door.
Speaker: Kalenvor, what exactly are we doing? Right, exactly. Yes, thank you, Lily. Well, again, thank you for welcoming us to you home. We had a few questions since we've, I think, brought you these muffins.
Speaker: We were hoping you could enlighten in us. Now, I hate to ask rude questions, but I ran into a unusual lady in the swamp and not a few days ago, and Snot thought it might um somehow be connected to your lovely self.
Speaker: I don't know if you could shed any light on that. Swamp lady is growing a darker shade of green. She sits up, taller says, You saw another lady in the swamp.
Speaker: Was she wearing the white gown? The robes? Was she a little fey hussy? she Floats around like she can't get her feet in the muck like the rest of us.
Speaker: Um, yes? I'm seeing that!
Speaker: I might know something about it. But if you want information... There's always a price. Right, Snort? A price. There's always a price. Oh, ah yes. Snort tell them ah big big price. They bring lots of gold.
Speaker: Gold? What use of I for gold, Snort? Uh, the muffins. Muffins. Slott is poking with his stick towards the muffins.
Speaker: The muffins are why I haven't eaten any of you yet. Thank you, by the way. Gorseberry are my favorite. Noted! Mental note, yes.
Speaker: I'm getting a little cross with you, snot. and thought we had an arrangement. There are more adventurers outside. Outside.
Speaker: Yes. ah Dwarf. Oh, I do like dwarves. Okay, okay. it's not It's not get. not get. Asai is going to try to open the door.
Speaker: The door is not opening. He's of yanking on it. When I make a strength check, you can use athletics if you mysteriously acquired that skill.
Speaker: Eleven. Yeah, no, the door does not budge. Oh, Snot. Let's finish our little discussion before you try to leave. You remind me of your mother.
Speaker: She tried to go back on her deal. Wait, Swamp Lady, no Gorf? Oh, yes, Gorf. Gorf came to me when she was fat.
Speaker: With child.
Speaker: Snot's almost too surprised and puzzled to be scared for a moment.
Speaker: Yes, I made quite the deal with Gorf. Mama Gorf not mention this.
Speaker: No, wouldn't, would she?
Speaker: What is price for ah questions?
Speaker: What do you have? A dwarf? A halfling? No, no, hold on. Hold hold on. we're not We're not giving you the... I'm sorry, ma'am, but ah the dwarf and the halfling, we we do need them.
Speaker: So, I think we're going to have to keep... that we're not We're not giving you any people. That's a bit off the table. But perhaps... It's not Trice to so surreptitiously make a... and said Like, maybe yes, maybe no kind of gesture at the swamp lady.
Speaker: Ha ha ha. Her eyes are flicking back and forth between the two of you. Interesting. to m did I think this one? She looks at Talonvor. Hmm.
Speaker: Steel. i you not like the way it would taste.
Speaker: Oh, you must have brought me something, Snort. Or the rest of you, Mr. Furbolk. What did you bring me?
Speaker: Fred is really hoping to not be involved in this conversation, but here he is. Um, I, uh, oh. Fred pulls a turnip out of his bag.
Speaker: Um, grow this myself. Perhaps you'd like to sit with me, Mr. Farogue, for a little while. Wouldn't that be nice? Is there room on her padded couch?
Speaker: If you look, she quickly shoves over like her the large basket of yarn that she was on. Right here, nice and cozy. Okie dokie. Snod is shaking his head so vigorously that his ears are sort of flapping.
Speaker: but Don't do that, please. That's just a couch. I don't have much else to offer. None of us have anything to offer, but... You have so much to offer.
Speaker: That's very kind of you. Thank you.
Speaker: Oh, here, she passed the seat. Just for a little while, let's say. Fred looks to Lily and kind of shrugs.
Speaker: Talonvor? um I'm gonna let this play out. Excellent. Great leadership. Well, what's the worst you could do, right? I mean, and no offense, ma'am.
Speaker: I guess Fred is going to try to sit on the couch. All right. Over here, you feel a chill in the air. The couch as you sit on it, dust flies up in the air as you sit on the cushions.
Speaker: It was nice of her to take the plastic off.
Speaker: She gently puts her hands on your shoulder and is like stroking your arm with her claws. oh You're so strong. Perhaps... Perhaps I could have a little of your strength?
Speaker: Uh, well, I i do sort of sort of need that for... Oh, would do you? Farming and such. Farming? You brought me farmer. That's unusual. Oh, yes. I kind of like it. Smell like a farm. Smells like turnips.
Speaker: That I do. On account of the turnips in my bag, if you like one. So you won't give me your strength, then? I would prefer not to. She looks over at Lily. What about you?
Speaker: you need your looks? I prefer them. So would i I. mean, look at me. oh A little moisturizer and some after eye cream. o I mean, it works wonders.
Speaker: Did you bring me moisturizer then? Perhaps we can do a deal. I can get you some moisturizer or make you some. I am a talented herbalist and I can um make you some moisturizer for your face, some lip balm.
Speaker: Oh, Talonvor, Talonvor, you give mouse paste. What? My mouth? Mouse paste. Give me mouse paste. mouth paste? What? no, on. We'll make you more. We'll make you more. He's like pointing at his teeth. Are you joking?
Speaker: Are you joking right now? um I mean,
Speaker: if there is anything heavy you need moved, I'd be happy to take care of it while I'm here. Oh, yes, actually. At the back of my little home, there's a large dresser against the wall. Perhaps you can move it to the side. All right. Talonvor has come over and he's like reluctantly pulled his little tube of mouth paste out.
Speaker: This is um cosmetic cream. It's really good. mean, look at me. Look at my teeth. It's amazing. Check this. Check these suckas out. She's like, ooh, I do like that.
Speaker: This smells like ooze. It is made of ooze, but we can make it any flavor you like. Let's have Lily do a persuasion check.
Speaker: This would be really nice if I could roll high. I'm going to re-roll that. Okay, heroic inspiration. Yeah. You feel your humanity shining through as you try once again.
Speaker: 17. Give her Okay.
Speaker: okay She seems convinced about this mouth-paste thing. She's drooling as she's looking at it, and fingers are touching it all over, and Talonvor's just sort of letting it go. He's like, and we have a trade.
Speaker: now look at this. Oh, snot. This is wonderful. My teeth will be so shiny. It's Gorseberry.
Speaker: Gorseberry is my favorite. I will make sure that we get that for you. Oh, yes, come back any time. You're charming. You're charming. Thank you.
Speaker: Just mind the path. Oh, have you finished moving that dresser back there? right, Fred is going to rise up. I think it's been a while since yeah last time.
Speaker: This wardrobe is just lousy with tummuses. Ha ha ha ha ha. So yeah, Freight is going to rise up, limber himself up a little bit back into a more heroic and furniture moving shape and see what he can do with this dresser.
Speaker: Truly, this is the heart of a barbarian.
Speaker: Should I... Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Athletics, yeah. Athletics. All right. Conan the redecorator. right that's of but I have advantage on athletics because I'm risen up. so's So that's a 5.
Speaker: And another 5. So that's 11 minus 2 is 9. So if you're trying to move it, you're struggling. As this is happening, Talonvorce is like, oh hold on. And he comes over and attempts to help.
Speaker: um And it doesn't actually do super well. Let's see. 14. 14. fourteen We'll say between the two of you, after you like get it moving a little bit, it's like, er there's like sort of a crunch, and it moves.
Speaker: You have no idea what's in this thing. It doesn't look that big, but it is heavy AF. You slide it away. Notice the back wall of this hut is made of brick pattern, like mud bricks.
Speaker: And the swamp lady comes up and walks over, and she says All right, here's the deal. You've given me this wonderful cream, but I have one more request and then I will answer your questions.
Speaker: Fair enough. Sure. I'm working on kind of a new routine and I want you to listen to it and tell me what you think.
Speaker: Goes over to stand in front of the brick wall. She's like, no, we go over there. Watch me. What? ah She snaps her fingers and the spotlight appears on her.
Speaker: Well, hello and welcome everyone to my show. I would have started it sooner, but I'm positively swamped.
Speaker: She seemed to be waiting for something. Lily claps. sand ah What are we doing? What is this? Once slowly he starts clapping, Fred starts clapping too, although he's not really sure why he's doing it. Yes, the weather here has been terrible. It's been raining.
Speaker: Rats and frogs.
Speaker: No, he has not.
Speaker: Fred's clapping and say he's kind of like, yeah, okay. Yes. ah People don't come to visit me because I'm really bogged down. oh we sorry.
Speaker: No, it's not. it's not. You're supposed to laugh. ah Alright, we have a few people in the audience here. She points at Lily. Oh, are you a human?
Speaker: Did a human come to visit me? yes What is it about humans always dwelling on their dry land? No wonder they're so dirty.
Speaker: ah bunch of clods.
Speaker: Dirty. ah Yes, they taste bad, too. Why are you making... I should be laughing at this. That one wasn't as good. Some of them were really good.
Speaker: Oh, I do get that reference, though. That's good. All right, well, how about... Sir has no idea what to make of this. What's the deal with furbough food?
Speaker: It's like they eat whatever turn up. That was good! That was very good. Oh, yes. That's good. That's good. Snot, I think this is a little above your head. Speaking of goblins, ooh, I have a goblin one, too.
Speaker: So many goblins have lost their fathers, ah it's terrible, that if you ask them about their paws, they'll say, no, goblin have hand.
Speaker: Paws, because they don't have paws. Kinda racist. Fred nods, but does not clap. I don't know how I feel about this. Gotta to work on the species ones.
Speaker: Those are my best ones. Alright, tell me, honestly, how would you rate that? 7.5. Out of... 7. 10. Out of 7. seven ten at seven Out of 10.
Speaker: I thought some of them were really good. Your swamp one, the bog one. The turnip one. That was a 10 out of 10 right there. The turnip one was wonderful. All right. I'm going to tell that one back at home. This is useful feedback.
Speaker: I feel flutters in my tummies.
Speaker: um Now, why are you here again? What's your deal? It's all talent forceful. All right. all right Yeah, now I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of this. I think Snot may have been right.
Speaker: But this other woman that we saw in the swamp, can you tell us anything about her?
Speaker: Oh yes, the fey creature. She's not even really here, you know. It's like she can't decide which realm she wants to be in.
Speaker: Okay, so it's definitely not you. No! She's not pretty like me. She is weird and in kind of fey. And she has all those weird little people following her around. did you say little people? Well, they're not little.
Speaker: Their brains are little. Would these be Fomor by any chance? Oh, some call them that. Some call them something else. Oh, oh, elves!
Speaker: The elves! No, nobody calls them that, Snot. No, Snot does, but... They are the Trois de Kel. The people of Kel.
Speaker: Oh, did you not know that? he did not, thank you. Oh, everybody's finding out useful information today. i don't know why this annoying lady is in the swamp, but I will tell you that she lied to me.
Speaker: Oh no!
Speaker: She seems to think this should have more meaning. She lied to you about what? It's not important what she said. You're not even paying attention. What's important is that everything that she said was lies.
Speaker: Filthy little lies for a filthy little fey.
Speaker: she sounds worse than Fizzwhiz. Oh, I haven't seen Fizzwhiz in a while. You should bring him here, Snort. I might get hungry. Snort will bring Fizzwhiz.
Speaker: yeah Please do.
Speaker: We're all nodding. Yep, yep. Eat Fizzwhiz. Talonward's like, all right. Well, thank you, Miss, um, Bronog, Waxwillow.
Speaker: We appreciate that. Is there anything else that you want? now You can go now We appreciate your time. Before I get hungrier. yeah we should go.
Speaker: Did we want to ask about the sickness, sir? Oh, yeah. um When I met this um person, this Fae Lyre person who you don't like, I got unaccountably sick the next day.
Speaker: oh yes, well, you would, wouldn't you? Anyone who comes near her grows sick if you're from the mortal realm. But don't know why she's here. She should just stay in the Fey Realm where she belongs.
Speaker: Makes me quite irate. Do you have a name? Probably, but you'd just lie if you asked her. And it sounds like you wouldn't mind if we were to convince her to go elsewhere?
Speaker: No, get her out of my swamp! I don't you like her. Oh, it's been lovely to see you, Snot. Your skin is looking particularly clammy today.
Speaker: Oh, thank you. We find the other lady punch her in face. No, Snot. You must stay away from her, Snot. You're so precious to me and so useful.
Speaker: oh i don't want you to touch her. Okay, it's not to make Fred punch. The tall, annoying one can punch her.
Speaker: I don't know if he needs mail. Stop looking back and forth between Talonvor and Fred. Yeah, I was going to Fred's looking at Talonvor. Yeah, we can we can both punch her. ah I think we've taken enough of her for valuable time.
Speaker: Door's stuck. The lady is moving towards you guys slowly. She's like, yeah you hear a grumbling noise. Fred, get the door. Let's back up. Can the door open?
Speaker: who wants to try the door? I'll try the door. Fred can try to help Lillia if that's possible. Make an athletics check with advantage. 14.
Speaker: fourteen You're pulling on the door and it's not quite opening. You feel the whole frame is shaking a little bit. She's getting closer to Fred, moving up behind him.
Speaker: You feel the chill as she gets near you and her voice whispering strange words. Oh, yes. Okay, door's stuck. Ah, Snot is going to. Don't leave now.
Speaker: produce something from his pouch and blowing it out from between his hands, he is going to cast reduce on the door. Okay. Oh, make it a smaller door.
Speaker: Fred, you feel talons of the swamp lady touching your shoulder as she's like, the party is just getting started. And a snot, as you frantically grab powder, it sprays out across the door and there's sort of a noise and the door just, boom, shrinks to about half the size and falls to the ground.
Speaker: Talonvor grabs Snot and leaps out. He's like, let's go. Yeah. I want to grab Fred. Yeah. think we had all sort of piled up at the door. Then let's get the heck out.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah, you're stumbling out into the the swamp. And as you go out, there's crackling noise and of branches crunching, breaking.
Speaker: Whole hot just disappears behind you. You're staring at a bare hill. Ah. Hello. How did it go?
Speaker: We need to get her some mouth paste, but you're on that pretty well. Ah. I heard laughing. Was it fun? There was some funny bits. Some of it, yeah. Oh, you can tell me all about it on the way home.
Speaker: Yes, we go go home. Okay. Yeah, let's let's do that. Snott's picking himself up from the ground and grabbing Stick and just get everyone headed back in the direction we came.
Speaker: Yeah. It seems like the path is just open now and it's much easier to follow. Getting out of Greygrim fens is sometimes easier than getting in, depending on circumstances.
Speaker: Yeah, when I say I'm going to lead them back the way we came, I don't mean through the team.
Speaker: I gotta get the killer plant, gotta get the finance. Yeah, exactly. Talonvor is like, that was very brave of you, snot. I see now why you didn't want us to go there, but I think we have some, I don't know quite what to make of it.
Speaker: We have good information. I think it was worth doing, despite my mouth paste being removed. We'll get you more mouth paste. We've got to get her some anyway. course, Barry.
Speaker: Snot will give you directions to bring Mousepaste, he's saying to Talendor. He'll bring Swamp Lady Mousepaste. Snot thinks she like you. but Maybe we can do that when this is all over.
Speaker: We didn't specify when.
Speaker: And as you trudge your way out of the swamp without further incident, back on the trail and head back to Mudbottle.
Speaker: Mudbottle. Best town around. Also only town.
Speaker: Till Baz starts singing along. We'll make up a song together. Oh, puddles of mud and lousy grub. When will we see mud puddles
Speaker: And with a song in your heart and perhaps a weight lifted off your shoulders, we bring this episode to a close. got eaten. Some talons lifted off her shoulders.
Speaker: Thank you for listening to Caleranden, the Ireland Chronicles, and please join us for our next exciting episode.
Speaker: you
