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Episode 56: How to Know If Your Parent’s Doctor is Actually Listening
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In this episode, I talk about a concern I hear all the time from adult children who feel like their parent’s doctor isn’t really listening. I walk you through why this happens, especially in short, high-pressure medical appointments, and why aging adults are more vulnerable to being overlooked. You’ll learn the key signs to watch for and how to advocate effectively without creating conflict. This is about helping you feel informed, confident, and better equipped to make sure your parent gets the care they truly need.
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Transcript
Concerns about Aging Parents' Medical Needs
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to start today with a question that I get asked more than almost anything else. And it usually comes to me in a DM or an email and it sounds something like this. Dr. Barbara, my mom just had her appointment and I felt like nothing got addressed.
00:00:16
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I brought up my concerns, the doctor kind of nodded, and then we were out the door in like seven minutes. Is this normal? Am I overreacting?
00:00:28
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And my answer is always the same. No, you are not overreacting and what you're describing is one of the most common and one of the most consequential problems that adult children face when they're trying to care for an aging parent.
00:00:45
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Because here's the truth, not all medical care is equal and not all doctors, even good doctors are truly listening to your aging parent. And if you don't know how to tell the difference, well, it can cost your family in ways you might not even realize.
Introduction to Aging Parent Playbook Podcast
00:01:02
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So today, that's exactly what we are going to talk about. How to know if your paid parents doctor is actually listening and what to do if they are not.
00:01:14
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Welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino. I'm a Tribal Board Certified Geriatric Psychiatrist and the founder of the Aging Parent Coach.
Ensuring Comprehensive Care for Aging Parents
00:01:26
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If you're new here, this podcast is for adult children who are navigating the journey of caring for an aging parent and who want to do it with as little regret as possible.
00:01:39
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If you've been here a while, well, welcome back. I'm so glad you're here. too This episode because they thought it might be help help you. Then I want you to know they were right.
00:01:54
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This is episode 56 and we are in pillar three of my framework today, what I call the health optimization plan. This pillar is all about helping you understand what's actually happening with your parents' health and making sure they're getting the right care at the right time.
00:02:13
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And today's episode sits right at the heart of that because you can have the best intentions in the world. You can show up to every appointment, You can take notes and ask questions and still walk out feeling like something was missed.
00:02:28
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Like your concerns weren't really heard. Like the doctor was just going through the motions. And that feeling, it's telling you something important.
Family Advocacy in Healthcare
00:02:36
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So let's dig into it. In part one, I want to talk about why this matters most more than most people realize.
00:02:46
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the seven minute problem. Let me give you some context first, because I think understanding the system helps you navigate better. The average primary care appointment in the United States lasts somewhere between seven and 15 minutes.
00:03:01
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Seven to 15 minutes for a patient who may have five chronic conditions, eight medications, a recent fall, some memory concerns, and a daughter sitting in the corner with a list of questions. Now I want to be fair to physicians here because I am one.
00:03:14
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The system we work in is not designed for depth. It is designed for volume. And most primary care doctors are doing the very best they can within a structure that actively works against them.
00:03:30
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But here's what I also know from years of working with aging adults. In those seven to 15 minutes, an enormous amount can be missed, especially when the patient is an older adult who may downplay symptoms, who may say I'm fine and when they're not, who may be experiencing cognitive changes that affect how accurately they can report their own health, and who has a daughter in the corner whose concerns aren't being taken seriously.
00:03:57
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The stakes are real. Misdiagnosis and medication errors in undertreated pain, undetected cognitive decline, these things happen.
Vulnerability of Aging Adults in Healthcare
00:04:05
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And they happen more often in patients whose advocates don't feel empowered to push back.
00:04:10
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So today, want to give you that empowerment. not by making you adversarial, but by making you informed.
00:04:20
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And I wanna talk about why aging adults are uniquely vulnerable in the medical settings. Before we get into the specific science to watch for, I want to talk about why this is a problem. It is particularly acute with older patients because there are a few things that make aging adults especially vulnerable to receiving care that is isn't truly attentive.
00:04:41
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The first is something called ageism and medicism. I know that's a charged word, but the research is clear. Older patients are less likely to have their concerns taken seriously, less likely to to receive thorough workups, and more likely to have their symptoms attributed to just getting older.
00:04:58
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This happens even with well-meaning doctors. It's baked into assumptions about what quality of life looks like for someone who is 80 versus someone who is 40. The second is communication complexity.
00:05:10
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Older adults, especially those with early cognitive changes or hearing difficulties or a lifetime of deferring to authority figures, may not advocate for themselves the way a younger patient
Recognizing Inattentive Healthcare Practices
00:05:19
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might. They may say what they think the doctor wants to hear.
00:05:22
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They may minimize their symptoms because they don't want to be a burden. They may not remember to bring up the thing that was really bothering them. And the third is what I call the stable patient assumption, right? Once an older adult has established diagnoses, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, there can be a tendency to manage those conditions on autopilot, to check the boxes, to renew the prescription without really asking, how is this person actually doing?
00:05:51
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What has changed? What are they not telling me? You, as that the adult child in that room, are the person who can interrupt that autopilot. but only if you know what to look for.
00:06:05
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So what are the signs your your parents doctor is not truly listening? Sign one, the appointment feels the sign and you'll feel more than see. There's a quality to a truly attentive medical appointment. It feels like there are follow-up questions.
00:06:20
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There's curiosity. The doctor looks up on the computer. They acknowledge what you or your parents just said before moving on. When an appointment feels like a checklist, when questions are fired in rapid succession, when answers are barely acknowledged, when the physician's eye-to-know, it doesn't mean the doctor's a bad person, but it may mean that the appointment isn't serving your parent way it should.
00:06:40
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What do you do? After the appointment, ask he yourself, did the doctor respond to what we actually said, or did they just move to the next item? If the answer is most of the latter, that's worth paying attention to.
00:06:54
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Sign 2. Your concerns are consistently minimized or deflected. This one can be really disorienting because it often sounds reasonable in the moment. You say, I've noticed my mom seems more confused lately. And the doctor says, well, that's cool okay. Maybe that's just normal.
00:07:12
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But here's what i I want you to know. Confusion, even an 80-year-old, is not something to simply accept. Cognitive changes warrant investigation. They have many causes, some of which completely treatable.
00:07:25
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A physician who responds to a new cognitive concern with that's just aging without any further exploration is not serving your parent well. The same goes for pain, fatigue, changes in appetite, mood changes and sleep disturbances. These are symptoms.
00:07:41
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They deserve to be taken seriously. And if you consistently leave appointments feeling like your concerns were brushed aside, that pattern matters. So what do you do? Start keeping a brief log.
00:07:53
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Write down the concerns