Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Kularendon, the hireling chronicles.
Speaker: Kularendon is an actual play Dungeons and Dragons podcast in which we will actually play Dungeons and Dragons as a podcast.
Speaker: My name is David Case LeClaire and I will be the narrator and game master for these sessions. Calerondon is a world of magic and adventure, a world of placid ponds, ancient archways, and bygone bridges.
Speaker: It is a world perpetually beset by the forces of chaos, but every time the darkness returns, epic heroes rise to save the realm. But our story is not about the Epic Heroes, at least not directly.
Speaker: Our story is about three moderately experienced adventurers that have recently signed up for the Epic Heroes mailing list. And joining me as the hearty hirelings, we have Beth Gleason as... Lilia Thomas.
Speaker: And once I got into a fistfight with a boy and he was making fun of me as as a kid, I still won but I got in trouble. And...
Speaker: Drew Gleason as? Darwinius Gorf Nozzlesnott. Got lost in Swamp. Mama Gorf very mad when Snot get home.
Speaker: Also met Swamp Lady. Oh, think there's more to that story. Nope, no more. And Dave Sturgis as? I am playing Fredegar, a purveyor of turnips and turnip accessories.
Speaker: And i think there was an incident where Fred saw his father lift an injured horse and carry it back to the barn, which led to Fred lifting and carrying and perhaps not putting back where he should have various farm animals.
Speaker: Well, if our heroes get in trouble for any of those things this episode, you'll be the first to know. Fred the goat lifter, they called him.
Speaker: In our last episode, the hardy hirelings received magical gifts, slightly used. Boots of elvenkind, a decanter of endless water, and a cloak of protection with a lovely gooseberry die job.
Speaker: And with the epic heroes, they have packed up their donkey and are heading out to the ruins of Mere Fancia to search for the lost signet stone and a magic sword that may hold the key to defeating the mysterious Lady of Lies.
Speaker: early frost has fallen on the streets and fields of mud puddle as you set out from town. Luckily, the sun is shining down merrily upon you, bringing a warmth to hold back the late autumn chill.
Speaker: A chorus of thrushes calls out as you head up the path once more into the western hills. Far off to the west, you can see the mountains stretching up in the distance. They're white with the first touch of winter snow.
Speaker: Now, as you may recall, we are setting out on an epic adventure with the epic heroes to the epic ruined city. With our epic donkey. And we're searching for, it seems like we're searching for two things.
Speaker: There is a magic sword created by the smith. Barmy Bangborn. Blimey Bing Bong.
Speaker: And possibly the Signet Stone, which may have been moved to the Ardentia Abbey at the West Town. Is that the one that's related to, like, who owns everything in the town? Yes.
Speaker: Okay. As you may recall, Wigbald acquired a bunch of deeds in the the archives at Tirmalin that claim to be the deeds of the farmlands from Mere Fancia.
Speaker: But nobody can prove they're real or not.
Speaker: You walk up the trail at a brisk pace through the morning. Talonvor takes the lead, the Anfereniel beside him. He seems to be constantly just looking slightly up and to the left.
Speaker: Charonadon is hanging out near the donkey, trying to pull things out of its ears. Poor Swiftoth. He's constantly edging away from them.
Speaker: know, donkeys ah like to kick things, I believe. As you're walking, you hear a familiar know sound that you've come to know and love. Oh no no no no. this and susan and Hey losers, where are you going?
Speaker: Fizzwhizz is zipping around in the air, well out of arm's reach. and Okay, was gonna ask. What are you up there for? going back to that waterfall cave?
Speaker: Place empty, like your brains. Snot has immediately slung his large bag down and is digging out one of the linen sacks. Okay. What's that for?
Speaker: Oh, this, uh, this magic bag full of cupcake. Uh-huh. I want to make a deception check. Oh, yeah, okay.
Speaker: Five. Okay. I'm not falling for that one. Three times in a row. Snot opens up the clearly empty bag and looks into it and licks his lips enthusiastically.
Speaker: Oh, Snot would really like cupcake if only could fit in bag. Look, I don't have time for your games. All right, Fizz Whiz is going up in the world, and this is peace offering to you idiots.
Speaker: You can ride my coattails. Can use some help back in town. Back in town? Go back in town, you annoying little fairy. I'm just saying, the only thing you'll find up in those hills is death.
Speaker: Place is crawling with Fomor. Fizzwhizz, go back before I blast you out of the sky. Whoa, hey, look, look, this is me saying I can help you guys out for once.
Speaker: Bye. Whoa, okay, okay, now that's just... Wow. Wow! I'm gonna remember this! When I'm big and powerful, or at least powerful... She holds out her hand. Okay, okay, I'm going.
Speaker: I'm fine. Starts zipping away. Lady, Vizwuz say he help. Vizwuz is not gonna be any help to us. No, but while he helping, we hit with hammer.
Speaker: That's not a bad idea. Talon's like, hey, what's ah what's going on back there? Are you guys all right? Nope, just our little quickling friend again. Peace wheeze.
Speaker: Peace wheeze. Come back, peace wheeze. Don't encourage him, Sharnanam. All right. A few more hours pass as you're heading up. You see the forest to the north and south of the trail.
Speaker: passed this way few times recently, so it is pretty familiar at this point. When are they going to get fast, Raveler, out here?
Speaker: Topaz is just like, oh, I think it's time for a merchant song. Oh. Snort, you with me on this? Ah, you sing a few bars. Snort will pick up.
Speaker: She just starts into the song. Oh, puddles of mud and piles of blood. but When will we see Mud Puddle? Puddle! The mayor's a bitch and his own first-class ditch.
Speaker: He's quite proud of it, but it still smells like shit. Shit. When will we see Mud Puddle? a Puddle! Puddle! Your turn, Snort. You sing a verse. Oh, uh... In the run by Badger...
Speaker: Make fast food. Also have dog. Dog is good. Mud puddle! When will we see mud puddle?
Speaker: Mud puddle! Now, turnip
Speaker: It's not sort of waves dramatically in the direction of Fred. Oh, Muddy, you're so fine. Fred shrugs. I do like the off-color lyrics about the mayor, though. Strongly approve.
Speaker: I got one for you. The firbolgs will plow up the fields with great vigor. The turnips are big, but their sacks are much bigger. What will we see, mud puddle?
Speaker: Puddle. Fred's not entirely sure about that one, but he's nodding. It's close enough. I get that reference. okay so you've started out quite early so it's still midmorning you hear the sounds of the river waterfall to ah south of the trail and to the north of the trail you see the lonely buildings of front hildas ranch
Speaker: is giving it a very orloruren look as
Speaker: tvo scratching his head but've been here before this looks really familiar That you were. You did quite a good bit of fight in the here, sir. Oh. Huh. Alright.
Speaker: I must have been totally out of my gourd. You were very sick. Do you remember Lady you Want to Jump Thread? Wow, I missed a lot.
Speaker: And you seemed a bit concerned about a fella named Ravi. Oh. Well, that was a long time ago. Alright, well, let's let's keep on the trail, yeah. Keep up, everybody.
Speaker: Anferniel seems to be watching Talonvor quite closely after that last exchange. Hmm. When will we see Mudbuddle?
Speaker: As you continue on past Fratilda's farm, the trail becomes steeper and a bit treacherous. The mountains are much closer now. They seem almost deceptively close, like they're hanging above you.
Speaker: The hills grow taller, steeper, until they form almost granite walls on either side of the trail, like you're walking through a bit of a gully. After another half hour of walking, trail kind of comes to an end, with walls rising up steeply in all directions around you.
Speaker: You mean just like a dead end? Like a cul-de-sac, yeah. Ah. Talonvor's looking around. um did we take a wrong turn? Well...
Speaker: Was this place Talonvor want to go? No. Okay. Then took wrong turn. Must be missing something. Yeah, I don't know. Uh, Snot's going to eye the rock walls around us and see if there is any sign of a hidden entrance or... Okay.
Speaker: Make a perception check. 21.
Speaker: twenty one Oh, very good. You quickly see that set into the granite walls, there are, there it's not an entrance or a hidden door, there are large blocks that are set like stairs and a kind of a pattern so you could climb up. It would be very precipitous, but it sort of wends its way up along the side of the walls up towards the top of the hill. So there is a way up.
Speaker: It's just not obvious. Uh, Snott's going to run over to it and hop up on one and wave. thomas Oh, alright, well. This, you remember this way?
Speaker: Look, he's going to hop up to the next one. That looks right, let's go up here. Alright, let's make our way up. But, um, Snott's pointing at Swiftful. Oh.
Speaker: Uh, Donkey not climb stairs. I think she could make it, right? All right, Snot's going to come back down to ground level and see if he can coax the donkey into attempting to go up this precipitous stairway.
Speaker: Yeah, Fred will help. Okay. yeah helping! Animal handling. All right, so why don't you guys, one of you can roll with advantage or you can both roll? Uh, 15.
Speaker: All right. You're having some difficulty. Swift Tuff is being stubborn. She's in one of her moods. The slabs are large enough that she can kind of stand on them, but there's a little bit of space in between them the way they're spaced out.
Speaker: You're able to get her up a few steps, but then she just kind of stops. She's just frozen about 10 feet above the ground, looking around, doesn't seem inclined to move either forward or backward. ah Topaz is like, what are you hoping to get it? Push or something?
Speaker: No, no push, no push. Snot is going to walk around to the front of Swift Hoof and place his forehead against her muzzle and is going to invoke Beast Bond.
Speaker: Okay. The Goblin Mind Meld. Goblin Mind Meld.
Speaker: Okay, Swift Hoof, we have to go up the stairs and it's it's scary but very important because the biggest carrots are at the top of the stairs.
Speaker: Guess I'm trying to use deception on a donkey.
Speaker: Ten. I think you can have advantage on the roll because you've established this telepathic link. Okay, guess I had Swift's trust. I was like, yeah, ruining that.
Speaker: Sixteen. Sixteen to convince a donkey we're going towards Garrett's. You just have to really focus the mental image of this big succulent carrot, just ready for chomping.
Speaker: Snot gets a dreamy, distant look in his eyes.
Speaker: Does Snot just leave Swift off and start running to the top of the tail? Gotta carrots! Gotta get that carrot! But hopefully with this empathic bond, he can get an idea of what's the most scary or or difficult for Swift Fuff.
Speaker: maybe climbing up these treacherous stone stairs. So you you have convinced Swift Hoof to continue, and Fred is trying to encourage her from behind.
Speaker: But since the stairs are quite precipitous, we're going to give Swift Hoof a dexterity check. She's fine. She's easily almost prancing up the hill. Now that she's decided to go, she's just going.
Speaker: I'm going to get the carrots. Nobody else needs to make a roll for this. You can take your time and pick your way up. Sharnadon has a little bit of trouble because they're, you know, kind of short.
Speaker: That's awesome. So they're climbing up on the steps and pulling themselves up. And, you know, think Fred is going to hang back and make sure but everybody gets up. Okay. Okay. Snot's going to go help Sharnadon. Oh, it's not.
Speaker: Oh, okay. No. It's not having trouble. He's short. Yeah. It's not Scott, this carrot waiting for him. So he is super motivated. He's kind of going slow because he's helping the donkey.
Speaker: Yeah, I think Snot's okay. But when Fred comes back to Sharnanon, Sharnanon runs up to him and holds up their arms. Aww. So cute.
Speaker: Oh, you want to go up? yeah Yeah. Fred checks the name tag. It says, Sharnanon, they, them. It says, Sharnanon wants uppies.
Speaker: Fred really wants to use a polite honorific, and he's really not sure what one applies here, so he's just going to shrug and pick up Shrannan. Okay. So you're usually able to pick them up and carry them up. At the top, you see Topaz is there, sitting on a stump and smoking something.
Speaker: Kind of a strong, leafy odor. Talonvor is watching Topaz with a little bit of annoyance in his face. This is really the time, Topaz. Hey, of course there's a time. what are you talking about?
Speaker: We're waiting for that lot. But eventually, all of you get up the stairs to the top of the hill. Breathing heavily, you stumble up over the last step.
Speaker: Behind you, you see a vast vista. You can see the river rumbling down to the south.
Speaker: The foothills and trees spread out like a tapestry below you. At the edge of vision, you can just make out in a dusty haze, mud puddle, and the farms. You can barely see it from here. It's so far away.
Speaker: Wow. Snott's never really been up high like this. So he's going to stop and take it in. Yeah. While pushing away Swift-Hoof, who may be looking for carrots.
Speaker: Yeah, Swift-Hoof is a little bit miffed. Now, Fred did not want to break into the carrots this early in the journey, but I guess at this point he might have to. Yeah, Snod does legitimately have some carrots from his gathering.
Speaker: Yeah, he could take out a carrot and share it with Swift-Hoof.
Speaker: Up here, there are beautiful rolling green hills dotted with sheep. The mountains are vast and very close. They loom over you like a storm cloud.
Speaker: And you can see the remnants of an ancient road, a wide road. It's overgrown with moss and grass leading directly west from here, across the hills and into a thick pine forest.
Speaker: Are these like wild sheep? Yeah. Oh, wow. Cool. Talonvor is nudging Topaz. He's like, all right, let's go. Let's go, everybody. Get a move on. No time to waste.
Speaker: Um, Talonvor? Yes? How long will it take us to get to Merfancia? but I mean, I've never been there, so... Estimate. On Ferniel comes over.
Speaker: it will take us another three to four hours of walking if all goes well. Oh, so a day away from Mudpedal? Yes. Ah, okay.
Speaker: I would suggest we find a place to camp for the night so we do not enter the city. Well, we will see what time we make. Is there an appropriate place to camp? Well, right here it's very open, so... Yeah. You could just camp out anywhere if you wanted to, but it's still, like, mid-afternoon.
Speaker: Oh, okay. We could go a fair ways. Yeah. Before we have to stop and and find a camp. The idea is not to enter the city by night. Yeah, that seems to be what she's implying.
Speaker: That seems smart. Or fancy ah after dark.
Speaker: All right. So you head west over the rolling hills. It's much easier walking up here. The air feels thin, but which you're not at all used to. Probably doesn't smell swampy at all, either.
Speaker: No, it smells very... You don't know what this It's like clear, fresh. Smells like that weird water the lady gave us. Yeah. And it smells nothing like mud puddle, of course. When will we see mud puddles?
Speaker: The road that you're following goes into ah forest of pine. As you walk into the forest, it's relatively thick. You hear crows calling around you. You hear the yelp of a fox in the distance.
Speaker: The path is heavily overgrown through the woods, so it does slow you down a little bit, but it's easily walkable. Some blanket of pine needles. It's sounding like no, but can Snot examine if anyone has been this way at all recently?
Speaker: Yes. Make a... investigation check. Investigation? Wow, four! No.
Speaker: Nobody's been this way.
Speaker: I am very certain of that. Townsville is watching, he's like, Snot, what do you see? Through goblin eyes. Ah... No people use path.
Speaker: Right. Excellent. So we must be ahead of them. What? FOMO. They're heading this way. We must be ahead of them if they haven't used the path. Oh. Good job.
Speaker: They coming behind? Really come through for us once again. Yes, they'll probably be behind us. This is why I'm trying to get Topaz to move a little faster. so My legs are short.
Speaker: Give me a break. Snack gives a big green thumbs up for this information. Okay. You hear the sound of beating wings as you move in further a flight of birds takes off in the forest around you.
Speaker: These are regular birds or blood hunters? They seem to be regular birds.
Speaker: After another few hours, the forest does eventually grow quite dark as the sun seems to be setting. But ahead of you, just as the night is becoming almost too dark to go, you see the edge of the woods.
Speaker: Beyond the woods, there is an open plain. And maybe about one to two leagues further, you can see the high walls of Mirfancia cutting a thick line across the base of the mountains.
Speaker: See, the sun has set. The night is falling. There's a moon out. It's not complete dark. Talonvor is looking around.
Speaker: Should we make camp here, you think? ah Make camp in trees. Yeah. Better than open. Sort of looks at you guys and he's like gesturing like, okay. Oh, all right.
Speaker: Go on. Okay. Make camp. Snot begins taking one of the tents off of the back of Hoof. And attempting to set it up by himself. All right.
Speaker: Make a wisdom check. Wisdom. Oh, no, no. Make an intelligence. Straight intelligence. God damn it.
Speaker: Four. All right. This goes about as well as you'd expect. Yeah, I think after a few minutes of messing around with it, there's a snapping noise and Snot is now wrapped up in the tent.
Speaker: Steak's sticking out and he's stuck in it, his arms flailing. Just really Mr. Beaning it. Yeah.
Speaker: I will go rescue Snot. Sharnanan is approaching Snot as he's lying there wrapped up in the tent. Oh, no. Give me a moment. I just need that moment.
Speaker: Tent the broken. We get the bad tent. Cursed dwarf. I'll set up a tent. All right. Well, you also get to make an investigation an intelligence check because I made snot roll. This tent was murdered.
Speaker: Well, frankly... Fourteen.
Speaker: Lily easily figures out how to set up these simple tents. Oh, sure, sure. It wasn't a puzzle. In fact, they came with an instruction manual that it only has pictures.
Speaker: What is the tent's name and IKEA terms? Ah, oh, the Putter-Upin. Putter-Upin? but Yeah, they're the Swampy Mountain Special.
Speaker: Wow. They're pretty nice. You have, i don't know, six tents. Let's say one of them is pretty big. Can Snot extricate himself from the the tent? Yeah.
Speaker: With Lily's help, she can extricate you from the tent and show you how to put it together correctly. Hopefully haven't damaged it. With a one, you would have damaged it.
Speaker: With a four, you only damaged your pride. Okay. So I should try again is what you're saying. Lily's figured it out and she can explain it. So I think she's got you covered.
Speaker: Wow. For not the first time, Snot used Lily with Law. Topaz has the cooking gear out. He's putting together a little fire. She's got like a little... ummo No, no, no, no, no. Snot runs over waving his arms.
Speaker: No, no, no make fire. She's got your nose fine. Fire, no. Now where are the trees? they're not going to find us. But could be elves see fire. All right, fine, no fire.
Speaker: She puts out little flames that had started up. She's looking at you like, you're no fun.
Speaker: Snot scowls. What else is supposed to be having fun here, Topaz? Listen to Snot. He's going to get Swift Hoof tied to a tree. Okay. And give it whatever we brought for it to eat barley or something.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: All right, so you get the camp set up. They pass some food around, whatever you've brought, but you can make a pretty good dinner, as you've all, I think, got some. That doesn't say no to food.
Speaker: You're able to get a decent meal in. Topaz is like chatting with people. She seems to have recovered a little bit from the fire incident and making jokes and trying to get people understood and in singing songs.
Speaker: Aunt Freniel is standing a little ways off from the group towards the edge of the trees and staring out the city Talonvor is sharpening his short sword.
Speaker: Shardanon has come over to there. They've set some logs up for sitting. Eh, Snob, do you want to play a game? No. Go away. I will not put anything from your ears or anywhere else.
Speaker: ah Oh, it's a good game. It's a game. OK, the game? Stick cards in your ears. Sorry. Uh, Fredega and Lily, you can play too. Oh.
Speaker: Come, come sit near me. I'll go and we'll play the game. Each person, you take your turn and you choose three people. Three people that you know.
Speaker: Each people you do one thing to. You either grapple, tickle, or slap.
Speaker: This naughty game? No, it's not naughty. Is he naughty? You can be naughty if you want to. Uh... No, I'll show you.
Speaker: It's not comfortable. I'll show you how play it. Very simple. I, Shannonon, I choose to grapple with, uh... Muddy. What?
Speaker: Muddy, not here. I say who I want to do it. I want to slap Mayor Wigbald. Oh, yes. Oh, he's popular.
Speaker: That good. I don't know about Tickle. and Then they jump on Snot and start trying to tickle him rapidly. Ah, what? No, you, no.
Speaker: Snot's flailing his arms. Ah, tickle, I tickle Snot. No, no, no, no. I feel like we should have seen this coming. Snot not playing game. Okay.
Speaker: Sarnan, no, go away. You were able to push Sarnan away. Okay. And recover your pride You play game with Turnip Guy, Lily Lady.
Speaker: Oh, it is your turn, Snot, you don't want to play? Oh. Uh, Snot want to slap Sharnanon? Uh, slap Kalimbor?
Speaker: yeah
Speaker: uh unperennial okay yeah yeah yeah slap topaz snot wants to slap the whole world okay uh look care around mayor wig bulbs slap wig bulb snot is playing his own game uh how about ah you lily yeah who you slap uh I guess I want to slap Fizzwiss.
Speaker: Slap him right into the next county. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Good. Slap to death. Well, since I've already slapped somebody, I'll grapple Mayor Wigball.
Speaker: Oh, yes. You grapple, not slap. Yes.
Speaker: And... Snot. What? Shh, shh. Lily, take your snot.
Speaker: No, I want to tickle Foo. Oh? i I bet when Foo laughs, very funny. Foo is big. Yes, but if I can tickle him, he'll laugh.
Speaker: Oh, very nice. And, uh, Frediga, do you have someone that you want to tickle?
Speaker: Fred looks distant for a moment. I'll remember Fred's slap kobold. I, uh, don't recall that. Fred slap, uh, Fomor?
Speaker: I suppose I did. Fred slap lots of people. With table. Oh, Fred is very good at slapping. Snot nods enthusiastically.
Speaker: Talonvor is like, oh, all right, everyone, let's, uh, we need to get to sleep here. Enough of these, uh, strange little games. We need to get our rest. All right, bedrolls it is.
Speaker: Snot's going to set himself up as far from Sharnanon as possible. Well, you can go in. You have little tents set up so you can... Oh, that's We've got the tents. Yeah. Our tent is a Sharnanon free zone.
Speaker: I wake up and find someone has put your hand in a bowl full of cards. Ha ha ha! As you're getting ready, Topaz does come over. She's like, Oi, Fred.
Speaker: Oi. You can smell that she's been drinking a little bit. She's like, check this out. Oh, dear. She holds up her pack and opens it up. Look at that. Fred very reluctantly takes a peek in the pack.
Speaker: You see two of those metal jars, like the one that she handed you back at the bandit encampment, that after you twisted it a bit, caused the barn to blow up.
Speaker: So she's got two of those jars in there. She's like, why, do you want one? Uh, what were you planning on doing with these, Miss Topaz? Oh, just in case we need them for something.
Speaker: You could use them for anything. I don't know if I'd use it for anything. um You'd need to dig a hole. Ah, there you go. You need to kill some fish. Oh, there you go.
Speaker: Oh, dear. All right, well, I got him here. If you need one, you just yell out. right Talonvorus, alright, who's gonna be on watch? I can help.
Speaker: Alright. Lily, why don't you take the first watch? I'll take second watch. Fred, take third. Alright. Do you mind if I make a little light? I can't see in the dark.
Speaker: Sure. And if you need a trowel, I think Topaz is gone. Yeah. I will cast light on my shield and keep watch.
Speaker: Okay. Everyone pretty much goes to sleep. Although, Lily, you notice that Anfarnielle does not go into one of the tents. She just stands where she was at the edge of the trees, looking out to the west towards the plains in the city.
Speaker: Snott would also prefer not to sleep in a tent. That may be a little way from camp under a tree or something. Yeah. Lily, why don't you roll a perception check?
Speaker: ten Okay. You're dozing a little bit, but you shake yourself awake. Occasionally, you hear the brushing of leaves. Go to check it out, but there doesn't seem to be anything there.
Speaker: As your watch is coming to an end Freniel, still standing there, she looks over at you. You see the light reflecting in her eyes, gleaming slightly stars.
Speaker: She comes over towards you as you're preparing to wake up Talonfor.
Speaker: I have heard much of your journeys, Lilia. My personal journeys? Oh, it's been very exciting since coming to Mudpedal. Yes, definitely.
Speaker: Talonvor speaks highly of you. He says we are lucky to have you with us. That's awfully kind of him. He is a little pompous, but he seems like a nice gentleman.
Speaker: I sense light within you, but also darkness. Well, I do have a terrible temper. Powers of light and dark are powerful in Kalerinden.
Speaker: There are times must rely upon both. Do not fear who you are.
Speaker: To be honest, I'd rather not be as quick to anger. Oh...
Speaker: Mr. Despaccio, think about him. But thank you for the advice. I'll try. You're at merely the beginning of a great journey.
Speaker: She kind of wanders off. Weird. And I'll go wake up Mr. Talambore. oh Well, time. All right. Yes, get some sleep.
Speaker: Thank you. Thank you. Fred, you are then shaken awake by Talonvor, the knight. Fred, it's your watch. All right. Why didn't make a perception check? 14.
Speaker: Okay. Your watch is also quiet. As you see, the sky is slightly growing gray with the false dawn. See that Sharnanon is already up.
Speaker: They've walked over and they have like a little tin cup and some sort of liquid in it. They sit down next to you on a little log and are sipping at it.
Speaker: If it's chilly enough, Fred might actually wear the yeah cloak. Yeah, it is quite cold, actually.
Speaker: If Sharnanon's kind of hanging out, Fred might At some point, strike up a conversation. uh, the other lady, uh, the Lady of Lies?
Speaker: Oh, ah, yes, the, uh, the Fae, the Lady of Lies? Yeah, why do they call her that? Oh, I have heard a story in the books.
Speaker: It is said the Lady of Lies was the consort to the good lord of Kel.
Speaker: the Lady of Lies. They called her Queen Hortensia at the time. She was great leader of the Fomorian warriors in the ancient days. And she told Guldor that she would come to his help when Galdor and the epic heroes came to fight him.
Speaker: But she did not come. When Galdu arrived, she could not reach him with the Fomorian warriors. And so, as the ghoul lord was struck down, he cursed her with his final breath and said that from then on she would only tell lies.
Speaker: And it is said that she can only speak in lies now. It's a bit troubling. It is sad, I think, because it is not the Lady of Lies' fault that she could not help the ghoul lord. You see, the Fomorian were creatures of the Fae.
Speaker: In those days, it is said, the Fae realm and the mortal realm were quite close. So the Fomor, the armies, could move between the realms. They could travel through the Fae quickly and come out in different places in the mortal realm.
Speaker: So the Fomor had attacked Mirfancia to punish Galdor, to try and draw him away from the Ghulord, but it failed. But the epic heroes did a magic ritual and they sundered the Fae from the mortal realm.
Speaker: So after the Fomor had sacked Mere Fancia, they tried to return to the Fae to aid the Ghoul Lord. But they could not leave because of the sundering.
Speaker: So they were trapped.
Speaker: That sunder doesn't seem to have taken, it? oh well Ah, well, there are a few of us who can still find a way to travel between the realms, but I don't like to do it because I have to be somebody else.
Speaker: And it seems that the Lady of Lies has found a way to get the Fomor back into our world as well. That she has. Ah, well. Frida's thinking back to the things that mysterious White Lady said that maybe magically have to be lies and is puzzling over it.
Speaker: Yeah, she said some stuff that did not make sense. Yeah, which in the context of someone who is cursed to only speak in lies is kind of upsetting. I'm sure she's fine. All right.
Speaker: As the camp is waking up, we're getting up. Time for morning stretches. Talonvor has the map that Sharnanan made out on a stump, and he's looking at it.
Speaker: He's saying, all right, so the city is quite large. Now, if we look at the map, I understand from what Sharnanan told me that the smith Barmy, or whatever his name was, he would be in the High Quarters, which is where the rich people lived, which is in the far northwest of the city.
Speaker: course, that's on the opposite side of the city. is just north of that Ardentia Abbey. Again, far west of the city. Now there's a street that goes straight through the city from east to west.
Speaker: Seems like that might be our best shot.
Speaker: Oh, and as we can clearly see, just by looking, the entire city is surrounded by an enormous wall. According to what Anfereniel has told me, the wall is about 20 feet high and quite thick.
Speaker: The wall was never breached when the Fomor attacked in the ancient days. But the gate, they call it the Winter's Gate, at the far east side of the city, was broken and destroyed.
Speaker: So there are three ways into the city. There's the Winter's Gate. Then to the north of the Winter's Gate, the city is built on a large chasm.
Speaker: There's a bridge called the Bridge of Galdor's Folly. And then to the south, there is lake called the Mirror of Pleasant Dreams. And according to Anferniel, there is a way into the city through the mirror. You have to go underwater and you can swim in.
Speaker: It seems a little crazy when we could just walk in the front door. So does anybody have any thoughts about how we should get in here? Fred's looking at Swifthoof.
Speaker: ah The door sounds pretty good to me. Donkey not swim underwater. right yeah Obvious choice. We just head straight over to this gate.
Speaker: Assuming it's still broken open. Just walk in, head down the boulevard, and, uh, you know, Bob's your uncle. No, wait, we've been over this. Nobody but live in city.
Speaker: Well, there might be some monsters. Undead, that kind of thing. Well, they look at Handel. Um... hi I was warned of something very large that may be in the city.
Speaker: Chomped a man in half. Well, that's not that hard. Wait, how many men you chomp in half? Well, I've seen quite a number of chomps chomped.
Speaker: Oh. And, you know that ah Snaptooth could chomped you in half, I mean. Oh. Wait, we kill Snaptooth.
Speaker: All right. As you are packing up the gear and getting ready to go, does anybody else need do anything this morning? Take care of business, I suppose.
Speaker: So you've determined that there are three entrances, but obviously the simplest one is the Winter's Gate. I'm still a little curious about this gorge, but I think we've kind of ruled out the swimming underwater part for yoggey reasons, among others.
Speaker: We could use a spell to breathe underwater. Well, you're still going to have donkey problems, though, right? Well, we just have to convince her to breathe underwater.
Speaker: Hashtag donkey problems. As you're discussing this, there is cry of a hawk. Caaaaaah!
Speaker: okay Was that the hawk or was that just an unrelated? It finally got Fizz Whiz. No, I stubbed my toe. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Note to future self. Edit that out.
Speaker: Insert cool noise. Cool noise.
Speaker: Anfrenia looks up, suddenly she says, that was a bloodhawk. And not just any bloodhawk. I recognize the call. Byreflame, that is the hawk of Chakral the Withered, is a great hunter of the FOMO.
Speaker: And he has seen us. Oh! Quickly, gather everything, we must go. Don't be going. No, uh... Snipe goes over and just tries to kick one of the tents down.
Speaker: Ha ha ha! No, no, come on. We'll just leave the tents, everybody. Let's just grab whatever you need. And Topaz is like, well, I need my pots. Why am I going to cook? So forget how about cooking.
Speaker: We'll get this on the way back. Snot is going to grab the lead on Swift-Tooth and start to maneuver it out of camp in a random direction. To west, west, not west. Okay, Snot's going to look up.
Speaker: Try and locate the sun and determine from that what direction west is and go that way. Well, it's out of the trees. the On the road that you're following is is is west. You can quickly determine that by the angle of the sun.
Speaker: Oh, okay. You're racing for the city. Oh. Okay. Okay. As you're getting swift tough and everyone's grabbing their gear and starting to move out of the trees, Talon Lord's like, wait, is the Wintersgate the best idea? If they're chasing us, we could be hit on two fronts if we walk right into something.
Speaker: Do we want to reconsider? Go to bridge, bridge narrow, good place. Bridge? To stop. Yeah. All right. Let's not immediately lose, is all confidence.
Speaker: Fred looks over to Topaz. What's this bridge made out of? Oh, a stone. Oh, I see what you're thinking. He's like, oh, yeah, we're going to the bridge. We're definitely going to the bridge.
Speaker: Well, we don't have to go to the bridge, but... No, no, we have to go to the bridge. Oh, dear.
Speaker: Talonfort's like, I don't understand that, but we're going to the bridge. Let's go. Fred sighs deeply. Meanwhile, Topaz is skipping. We're going to blow up a bridge. We're going to blow up a bridge.
Speaker: All right, so you guys are heading at a rapid speed to the where the bridge is going to connect. It'll be slightly north of the city. So you're heading in that direction for a good 20 minutes.
Speaker: It's a league and a half. So you got a bit of a ways to go. Talonvor is trying to keep everybody moving at a very fast walk. Now are these goblin leagues or human league?
Speaker: oh Oh, the jokes. Why don't we make a constitution or athletics check as we're going to see how well everybody's keeping up. Okay.
Speaker: Natural 20. So 23. Okay. 26. Okay. Snot, what 20 number did you roll? twenty six okay and not what twenty number did you roll 29 minus 20.
Speaker: minus twenty or Traveling over open ground swiftly has never been Snot's strong suit. Yeah, so Snot is starting to fall a little bit behind, as is Sharnanan.
Speaker: He started out that Snot was leading Swift Hoof, but at this point Swift Hoof is leading Snot. Pull him along behind her, senses an urgency about it. But Sharnanan is falling further back. However, Lily and Fred are doing absolutely great, having no problems at all.
Speaker: Can I reroll with advantage because I'd be getting away from Sharnanon? No. You have motivation, but it that doesn't make you strong. Can I grab one of the little people since I rolled a natural 20?
Speaker: Yeah. You could grab both of them. Okay. Well, I'd like to put Snot on the donkey and okay grab Sharnanon. Snot has never considered riding Swiftfell. This is wild idea.
Speaker: Wait, donkey, not horse You can ride donkeys, now hush. Swift Hoof does not have most of the gear she had on her yesterday because you're... Because we left it. Yeah, but you have some of it, I think, but you don't have the tents, you don't have the bedrolls, you don't have the cookpots.
Speaker: So yeah, you're able to sweep Snot up, dash him on top of the donkey. Snot gracefully wraps his arms around Swift Hoof's neck and blings to Swift Hoof like a log going over a waterfall.
Speaker: And then, Lily, with your 20, do you also want to you snatch up Shardanon? Yeah. You don't have to. So you sort of grab Shardanon and hold them under one of your arms.
Speaker: yeah You're like, whee! As you're moving along. So you're rapidly covering the distance. You see the city is getting closer as you rush towards it.
Speaker: These walls, their ancient stone walls are massive. They're looming up above you. They're scarred with ancient flames. And you see ahead of you a large chasm along the north side of the city wall.
Speaker: And across it, maybe another half league from you, you see long, narrow stone bridge. It is maybe about 15 feet across and about 120 feet long, stretching to what looks like an entrance through the wall on the other side.
Speaker: As you're approaching the bridge, you can see now behind you large group of Fomor have broken from the trees are moving rapidly. They are running, and with them there is the largest Fomor you've seen. He's very tall.
Speaker: His legs are strangely thin, and they're still good at least 800 feet away from you, but he's moving quite a bit faster than the others, and a large hawk is flown down, set upon his shoulder. He has a giant bow across his back.
Speaker: and he is closing the distance on you as you're running. Okay, let me be the first to say this seems bad. this is not Prince Leg Day.
Speaker: But he is a good, maybe two or three feet taller than all of the others. He's quite a sight to see. His upper body is very muscled. His head is kind of large, and unwieldy. Yeah, it's just real Monster Factory material.
Speaker: All right. you want to try to just outright run at this point? it Seems like a good idea if we can manage it. Yeah. Yeah. You guys rolled really well on your athletics checks. Damn right.
Speaker: And Swifthoof rolled really well on her athletics check. So I think you're able to just run, you're dashing, cross the remaining fields. They are closing behind you, 600 feet, 400 feet, but you are at the bridge.
Speaker: You see this chasm is quite wide. Tobaz has stopped. She's got this look on her face like, oh shit, I didn't really think this through. She was getting a little bit green. ah Hold on. Wait, it's really deep down there. ah Maybe I should just stay back.
Speaker: Talphorce, what are you talking about? Get across the bridge.
Speaker: Fred might have to pick her up. yeah Or at least threaten to pick her up that helps get her moving. Make an intimidation check. 12. Alright. She's like, no, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. It's too deep. It's too steep.
Speaker: I didn't think... Just give me the bag and I'll just stay back here to hold them off. Miss Topaz, we do not have time for this. ah Fred's going to try to pick her up, I guess. You're going to need to make a strength check. Okay.
Speaker: That is 25. Okay. okay You go to pick her up and she is heavy. But the 25, you are able to lift her up. She's like, no, no, I don't want to But you're grabbing her and running across the bridge.
Speaker: And Swift Tooth, no problem with the bridge. She's fine with it. Talonvor is running across. Anfereniel is ahead. She's looking back. She says, quickly, we must get to the other side before they reach us.
Speaker: You feel the wind picking up, as you call it, across the bridge. And it's a little making you a little uneasy, but you're all doing fine. It's not just clinging to Swift Zoo.
Speaker: Yeah, Swift is doing fine. The chasm is really deep below you. You think you maybe see some water, like a blue ribbon, very far at the bottom if you peek over the side. The city walls rise up ahead of you, and you're rushing across the bridge. You see the Fomor...
Speaker: They still haven't reached the end of the bridge, but the one you assume is Chokorole the Withered stops to like 300, 400 feet away, and he's pulled this great bow off of his back.
Speaker: He has an arrow. It seems to have giant griffin feathers on its fletching. And he pulls it back really far. You can almost see it creaking under the strain.
Speaker: And he fires an arrow at the group of you. and This is where we lose Talonbor. ha But as he fires the arrow out at you, you're most of the way across the bridge now.
Speaker: The arrow splits in the air into this mass of vines that come falling down onto the bridge, the vines wrapping around. We'll say that the donkey and Fred carrying Topaz, she's got her hands over her eyes, and Lily are at the back.
Speaker: Make a strength check. DC of 14.
Speaker: I rolled a one. Okay. That's good. We were looking for low. We were looking for low. Dave, you got 20-something? Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's a non-natural 20. Okay.
Speaker: So Fred just rips right through the vines with Topaz, not even bothered by them. Swiftoff also is trampling through them. And Lily, you trip and start to fall unless you wanted to. Oh, yeah, the heroic inspiration. But you don't have to use it if you don't want to.
Speaker: You know what? I probably want to use it. Okay.
Speaker: That's a 16. Okay. So Lily starts to trip as one of the vines wraps around her leg. She summons up all her courage to turn is like, can't look. But she rips her leg out of the vine and runs across the bridge.
Speaker: Topaz is like, are we across? Are we across? Yes, we are. Gosh, what have they been feeding you, Miss Topaz? They're like, cool it's all natural. She's trying to get into her pack.
Speaker: She pulls out one of the jars. She's like, just throw me across. And she hands the jar to you, Fred. On Freniel, Talonvor have stepped into the dark doorway leading into the city.
Speaker: Topaz, with still with her eyes shut after Fred puts her down, she's trying to run towards them. And Lily with Sharnan on and the donkey are across. So Fred, you're at the back. You see the Fomor approaching the bridge.
Speaker: You have the jar in your hands. What do you want to do? Oh dear, let's see, uh, Wittershins twice, Anti-Wittershins once, oh, uh, Wittershins once more.
Speaker: Fred tries to throw it, uh, sort of towards the middle of the bridge. Okay. Can Snot get off Swift-Huff at this point, since it seems like stuff's going on and not just running? Yeah, yeah, you can get off. Okay.
Speaker: So, Fred, it's not a difficult throw, and you've already made a number of excellent athletics checks, so you don't need to roll for this. You've correctly... This is what peak performance looks like....armed the explosive.
Speaker: You toss it back. Talonfort's like, wait, what is that? Uh, we should move. forward
Speaker: off the bridge! A couple of the Fomar are on the bridge now. Oh, dear. There's a massive explosion just... Boom! The whole bridge shakes. It's crumbling.
Speaker: Stone's falling. Two of the Fomar... Yep. Fall with the bridge as they're carried. The breeze are screaming as they fall. The large one choke roll, the withered, has stepped back and is looking at you guys.
Speaker: Overhead, his hawk screams in frustration. ah um thank you. I nominate you to do all of the hawk cries in the future. I was doing the worst job I could and it still came It's still better than that.
Speaker: And as the bridge collapses behind you and you crowd through the dark doorway, you enter the fallen city of Mirfancia, and we bring this episode to a close.
Speaker: Thanks for listening to Kalerinden, the hireling chronicles, and please join us for our next exciting episode.
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