Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Bad Festive Films: Silent Night Deadly Night & Bone Alone
270 Plays4 years ago
In this episode, Fraser (Satsunami) and Adam discuss the controversial Christmas films Silent Night Deadly Night and the Home Alone parody Bone Alone. One is about a dangerous psychopath killing in the name of Christmas...and the other is Silent Night Deadly Night.
For more Satsunami content, please click here!
From all of us at Chatsunami, have a very Happy New Year and a great 2021!
--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chatsunami/message
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Hosts
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Chatsunami.
00:00:27
Speaker
Hello everyone and welcome to a very special recorded episode of Chat Tsunami.
Discussing Festive Films
00:00:33
Speaker
My name is Sad Tsunami and today I am joined by hopefully my still friend Adam after the experience we both shared for this episode. Hey Adam, thank you for coming back.
00:00:44
Speaker
Hey there, and let's leave that question open-ended until we reach the end of this episode. And then we can both decide what relationship to be moving forward. This is very true. Well, last week we were talking about some very festive and joyful films. So the five films that we pretty much decided in capturing Christmas was Home Alone. There was Muppets, Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, Die Hard and Jingle All the Way.
00:01:13
Speaker
Jingle all the way, yeah. All, well, all capitalist propaganda films. Oh, capitalist critiques. Critiques, yeah. Capitalist critiques. It turns out to be the vital ingredient to make a classic Christmas movie.
00:01:28
Speaker
Yeah, which is quite a harrowing thing as an adult coming to that realisation. It really is. So yeah, last week we decided, after watching so many amazing Christmas films and kind of recounting the joys of Christmas, we were going to make ourselves miserable.
Gift of Terrible Christmas Movies
00:01:47
Speaker
So what we decided to do was, Adam and I gave each other
00:01:52
Speaker
the Christmas gift of a terrible Christmas movie so we were both to go away we were to watch it and basically just to give our critique of these kind of films so the two films that in fact sorry before I go on Adam do you want to say the fellow or tell the audience a lovely audience at home what film you gave me to watch
00:02:15
Speaker
Yep, so I gave you the classic, the holiday classic, Silent Night, Deadly Night, 1984, I remember rightly, which is horror slasher film, just what you want to watch as you're sitting down your holiday stuffing your face with chocolate. Yeah, it was a film that I severely misinterpreted as being a horror comedy, but we will get to that.
00:02:41
Speaker
Which I want to point out, I never said the word comedy. I clearly said the word horror and slasher. I never said comedy. That was you who did it. All I can say is, I saw the poster, I saw everything else and kind of thought, oh this must be one of these parody films or over the top. I mean it is over the top but we will get to that.
00:03:00
Speaker
We will get to that. And of course, the film that I gave you, Adam, was another horror film in its own right. That being, actually, well, no, I won't spoil the trivia behind it, but the film was called Alone for Christmas, also colloquially known as Bone Alone.
00:03:21
Speaker
My mouth fell open when I heard that title as I was thinking, what the hell is Fraser? What else is now me getting me to watch? Well, you know what? I tried my best. So yeah, as Adam was saying, I had the absolute pleasure. So I choked a moment once there.
00:03:39
Speaker
of watching Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Plot of Silent Night, Deadly Night
00:03:43
Speaker
So, I've got a couple of notes here. Silent Night, Deadly Night is a social critique about leaving the impoverished behind in a society that is very cr- Oh, sorry, one sec. Sorry. This is my notes for Parasite.
00:04:01
Speaker
Let me just throw that over there. Yeah, Silent Night. Never gonna get old. Silent Night, Deadly Night is the story of a young boy called Billy who goes to visit his grandfather who is in a... I want to say, is it an elderly home or is it a... No, they classify it as a mental institute. Yeah, that's what I thought. It's literally like just one room. One room with one doctor and one patient.
00:04:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's like the most empty, empty facility I think I've ever seen in my life. And yeah, after like, pranking his grandson to say, you know, Santa is a very bad man, they start driving home and Billy's parents are brutally murdered. Which made me kinda think, it gave me a suspicion that this was not gonna be a comedy film.
00:04:53
Speaker
Yeah, so they're brutally murdered and he is putting an orphanage and it kind of follows his mental breakdown, especially associating the figure of Santa Claus with just basically horrible things, with murder, with
00:05:10
Speaker
all these horrible things and thinking that he is going to get punished by Santa himself, like his parents, you know, getting killed, if he steps out of line. So he ends up, he's raised in this Catholic orphanage, you know, throwing all the stereotypes in here, where it's not a very nice upbringing for him. And eventually he gets a job as a, I want to say like a shop assistant, or it's like a volunteer job. He's like, well, I was going to say he was a warehouse, but he worked sort of a shop.
00:05:38
Speaker
And he basically gets forced to relive his major fear, his one fear, which I feel as if they should have disclosed before they brought him in.
00:06:00
Speaker
So, yeah, eventually they dress him up as good old Joly St. Nick and, yeah, he pretty much has a mental breakdown. He gets drunk, has a mental breakdown and starts going on a cow and spree. And yeah, that is essentially the problem.
00:06:15
Speaker
very 80s I gotta say like in terms of 80s horror films very true to the time I must say it is very gory it is very exploitative especially with the female characters which was a bit shocking like like some of the scenes I saw for that I was kind of like I don't I was about to text you I thought oh no you're asleep and then I saw you went up and I was like what
00:06:44
Speaker
What did you make me watch? What have you done to me? Yeah, just a very very gory retelling.
00:06:54
Speaker
I was gonna say a retelling of any Christmas story. It is not Holly, it is not Julie, it is... It's an interesting, it's a weird film because on the one hand I feel as if they had like, like on a serious note, I feel as if they had a really interesting thing because the story basically follows Billy who is this, basically this like eight year old, ten year old kid. He is absolutely petrified and the actors I think do a really good job of portraying that. Yeah.
00:07:21
Speaker
you know and like it shows you him growing up and he looks genuinely terrified like every time you see santa he freezes up picking her backs away he's basically paralyzed with fear and i thought okay that's quite an interesting thing that was really good and then it just goes goofy as soon as he puts the santa suit on that is yeah that's just when it goes like downtown and just descends into utter madness when he's like choking people with christmas lights and
00:07:49
Speaker
shooting them with bows and arrows and things. And strength though as well. When he's trying to go with the Christmas light, he like lifts the guy up with one arm. Yeah. It's like strangling with his left. And the guy's, the guy's, the guy doesn't look like he's like maybe that heavy, but he still, he still has a hell of a weight to like lift this guy. But that must be the Christmas rage. Yeah, honestly. He's got Santa strength. I just couldn't believe it. He just like pulls him up and he's just like, yep, one handed.
00:08:17
Speaker
No, no. And yeah, he's like, it's stalking. Yeah, he's just like stalking the back of the shop, getting everybody. And then he leaves the shop and he just starts, like, he starts picking on random people, doesn't he? Because then, like, his next victims aren't major characters, are they? No, no, they're just, I think every, I mean, right up until the very end, like, everybody else that he kills, like, what, another four?
00:08:41
Speaker
i think you know it is because he goes into the so he goes into this um couples house where it's the stereotype of a christmas no christmas jesus it's the stereotype of a horror film yeah i know
00:08:57
Speaker
Let's just say, you know what, no. No, it was like the stereotype of a horror film where there's two, you know, the promiscuous teens who, you know, are wanting to go at it and then one of them goes upstairs and goes, oh no, the doors are unlocked, better lock it. And then all of a sudden,
00:09:21
Speaker
yeah sorry can i just say because i remember she goes up right okay so she's basically half naked yeah like when daz is because they're getting frisky then she's like oh i heard something at the door i must go get the cat so she gets up she puts on her like hot pants which literally do not cover any more of her body than her like actual panties were already at that point doesn't put a top on at all what
00:09:42
Speaker
top stairs, there's a door open for like everyone to see if there's anybody nearby, there's also a small child in the house as well, which she points out at one point, playing as a door open to find the cat, can't find it.
00:09:53
Speaker
and et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Yeah. Long story short, she becomes like she becomes scared. That's what I'm saying. By the antlers like on after my I did like once at that. But like, even though it was fake, I was just like, oh, no, no, I can't do it. I was more impressed at the strength of the moose head. Like, I mean, how is it like, I'm pretty sure like that must be like, I don't know what it bolted onto the wall with. But I'm almost certain if you hung any
00:10:21
Speaker
any human body of any weight on that it would instantly like fall down but i was like damn that is that is firmly secured in place oh yeah it would just like snap off yeah because like sorry just going back to what was saying before thinking it was a comedy because i've like seen the classic scene from the sequel the garbage day scene garbage day yeah it's just so just like for context for anyone who hasn't seen it as a guy who like he comes out
00:10:47
Speaker
and he starts shooting his neighbours and he sees this guy holding a trash can and he pulls up the gun and he goes garbage day and he just shoots them and I thought oh right like when I looked it up in YouTube that was the first thing that came up and I thought oh that's this film no turns out that's the sequel
00:11:05
Speaker
Which I will talk about, I'll talk about at the end because I re-watched this film in preparation. And then we also watched the sequel for the first time. I'll speak about the sequel afterwards. So yeah, so I was like, oh, so that's what kind of set me up to think, oh, this must be like, you know, a kind of so silly, it's funny. And don't get me wrong, it is like there's some really silly scenes like him blasting away the shop clerk at the beginning because it just is so unnecessary. He just turned around and he just shoots him. It's like, what?
00:11:33
Speaker
My partner made a good point. So the shop point doesn't have this, what, $20 if that in the bill. And the shop looks like, damn it, I could just give him this money and just live. But it's like, damn it, this is my $20. I'm not giving him this. $20 was a lot back then. Oh, that's true. I did 1984. That would have got you.
00:11:52
Speaker
oh god it's just such like a crazy film from start to finish and that's the thing though like as i said the kind of psychology aspect is really interesting like see if they played it straight and it had like a film where it was like a troubled youth like going through you know life with like all these like unfortunate circumstances and then snapping
00:12:15
Speaker
but after he snaps it's like there's genuinely there's one scene where there are these two guys I don't know why they're in a forest in the middle of the night but they're just sliding and yeah they're just sliding down the hill
00:12:32
Speaker
No, no, no. They're bullies, though. No. Oh, sorry. That is true. No, before that. Yeah. Sorry. They're about to go outside. Yeah. And the bullies grab them. And yeah, you're right. It's the bullies that go down the hill. So the first one goes down and it makes like the weirdest noises. It's like, whoa.
00:12:53
Speaker
It's just like Mario on steroids. It's like, what is this? You know this as well, right? So it's supposed to be this great thrill ride as they go down this hill, but he has to spend the whole way like pushing this sled along because it is clearly there's not enough of a slope for the sled to actually get any momentum. So both of them have to like keep flapping their hands on the side to get it going. And at the same time, they're like,
00:13:13
Speaker
putting and hollering like this is an incredible thing it looks so shit yeah it's just like this amazing experience it's like oh my god just it's so over the top like it's quintessential kind of yes quintessential
00:13:29
Speaker
80s horror, isn't it? It's just like, you've got so many tropes, like they definitely or probably wouldn't fly as well nowadays.
Controversy and Tropes in 80s Horror
00:13:39
Speaker
And I'll kind of get on to the trivia for this film later on. But yeah, the trivia for this is actually a lot more interesting than the film itself at times. I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, sorry, before I come into that.
00:13:51
Speaker
Yeah, so it ends up these bullies slide down the hill, as you said, unsuccessfully. But one of the bullies slides down and then he's going to his friend saying, come on, come on, come down the hill. So the other bully comes down and then jolly old Choppy Claws comes out with his axe, beheads a guy like something out of Game of Thrones, and he just keeps going down the hill. And it's like,
00:14:16
Speaker
Huh, okay. And then he's like watching him as if, oh, what's going on? But the head like keeps rolling with him, which confused me. I was like, how far is this head gonna go?
00:14:29
Speaker
Headed more momentum in the sled. They really did. I think the head bit by a head. Some good old Chris this cracker humor there. But yeah, it's just yeah and then towards the end they realize who the killer is or the police realize because it's a brilliant scene.
00:14:47
Speaker
There's a brilliant scene where, trust me, I really don't get this, where this guy climbs into his child's house in a santa outfit and he's police are like on edge thinking, oh god, this is the same person that's going around killing people. So they burst into the house, guns out.
00:15:10
Speaker
shoot the guy and then they realized it's the girl in the house it's her dad that's dressed up as Santa it's it's the weirdest thing it's like who does that like go through the front door through the like I'm not being funny but just a pro tip for anyone wanting to be a Santa out there you go through the chimney and then you go through the doors you do not break through the windows
00:15:35
Speaker
But it's more like, sorry, the daughter instantly recognises that it's her dad before he's even pulled down with beard or anything. So that makes me think he's been doing this for a while and that she knows that it's him. And she's just too embarrassed to say anything because of all this effort he's going to go to this. She's finally like, dad, you can stop now. I know it's you. I've always known it's you. You can stop this charade. And dad, it's the middle of July. You've got to stop this.
00:16:07
Speaker
See if I woke up as a child and my dad was standing over me in a full Santa gear. I would be terrified. I'd be screaming. You'd get a fear of Santa. Yeah, you'd be like, Dad, what? You don't need to have Santa with an axe. You just need to have that.
00:16:24
Speaker
what is going on and then yeah then it kind of just evolves into like utter madness where they figure out who the killer is and they are trying to hunt them down and the other thing this this is honestly the movie that has the least conventional entrances for Santa like to see if he was like big like back then honestly you would assume that John Cena directed this film
00:16:50
Speaker
because first of all there's that Santa that comes through the window and then the other one, so they go back to the orphanage and the police officer sees a Santa walking across a field over the fence, climbing over the fence, walking towards these children who are like, yay Santa!
00:17:08
Speaker
and he's like terrified, he pulls out his gun you know he's like oh my god and he just shoots him dead thinking he's the killer and eventually like they ring it up and later on saying oh by the way this this wasn't the killer and of course the cop is like the stereotypical uh you you know you get that in the films it's the stereotypical american cop like what do you mean he's not the killer and things like that he doesn't really speak like that but you know i mean he's like what do you mean he's not the killer it's like you know he's he's a 50 year old man it's like
00:17:38
Speaker
and he didn't. He's got one of the nuns who works at the orphanage with him at the same time and she's like, oh my God, that was Father Brown. He was our centre this year. He was deaf? Yeah, because he's like, the police officer's trying to justify himself and he's like, he didn't stop when I told him to. And yeah, she's telling, of course he didn't stop. He's deaf. I mean, she really should have told the police that that guy was coming. Yeah. He should have warned that guy was turning up who was deaf.
00:18:08
Speaker
To be fair, that was on her. That was on her. I will admit, but as it's just sitting there like, oh my god, what is this fault? And then eventually at the end, of course, it comes in and bursts through the door and just...
00:18:22
Speaker
He ends up, he doesn't... One of the kids lets him in, do you remember when the kids were dramatically seeing Santa get gunned down to death? Then he appears at the door when the kid is like, Santa! And he lets him in, as the nuns were like, no! No, don't do it! Because at the end, I think I sent you a picture of one of the kids in the background and he's got the biggest smile on his face as if it is the real Santa!
00:18:49
Speaker
And I could not stop up, he's literally just an extra, like a kid in the background. And I could not stop laughing. And it is, it's just like, he's the only one that looks genuinely happy. Whereas the rest of them are just like, alright Santa, you're very good. He's just like, Santa! Yes! Give me a present, come here! Get over here! He's just like... Yeah. And then it ends up, of course, he meets a grisly end and then they kind of sequel bait for the next one and...
00:19:21
Speaker
Yeah so that's the thing, that's the kind of motif throughout the film that he's punishing people who are quote-unquote they are naughty or you know the whole Santa thing are you naughty are you nice and of course if they are being naughty like when he's younger as well there's a scene where he sees again another couple which is kind of, it's reflective. A 20 year old couple living at this orphan
00:19:47
Speaker
Yeah, that was really weird. Yeah, it's like this 20 year old couple who are, it's just a really weird and long scene where they are shaking the Christmas bells, let's just say. Or attempting to. I love that you think that's amazing. Yeah. It's true. And then one of the nuns, I think the mother superior just kicks down the door and she just grabs the bell and she's just like, I'm gonna make an example of you. And is like, what? Makes it a treason. Yeah, oh, Jesus.
00:20:17
Speaker
I'm just thinking, and it's Mother Superior with the iron chair! It's like, oh my god, this is the WWE crossover you didn't want to have.
00:20:35
Speaker
But seriously though, it's like, why were they there? Because this was seriously, this was an orphanage for kids. And obviously they were walked away completely separate from them, but why, who were they? I don't think they ever explained who they are.
00:20:52
Speaker
yeah it is like all right we're just gonna and i think that's kind of reflective about the tropes and those kind of films in the 80s it was just like yeah we're gonna have this you know we're gonna show boobs we're gonna show this and that and it's like are you gonna get to plot and it's like nah it's like we haven't we haven't shown boobs in at least 10 minutes we need to go yeah
00:21:11
Speaker
Yeah, this is a film that's going through very heavy with the drawers for that type of content. And you're like... It's like, you know what? You know, when I'm watching a film, I'm not thinking, do you know what I miss? Like, I needlessly exploited I've seen. Yes! I'm seeing it. Come on, it's like...
00:21:31
Speaker
Again, it's kind of like complaining water's wet when you're watching these cheesy 80s horror films, but it's just such a weird... It's a weird film, but as I was saying before, the trivia actually behind it is fascinating. I don't know, have you read up on this, Adam? I don't know, I've not read too much, I'll be interested to hear.
00:21:53
Speaker
so yeah so apparently and yeah if there's anyone out there listening and i am wrong please feel free to fact check or correct me but according to some of my sources i learned that this film was denied a rating in the uk well because there was a lot of them explicit content in the film as you know
00:22:16
Speaker
So they, I don't know who it was, I don't know if it was the distributors or who it was, but they refused to cut it down to make it a, you know, like a PG, or not PG, but an 18 film. There's no intent on that, it's not like they've got a Citizen Kane here. No, you won't touch our masterpiece.
00:22:35
Speaker
It is, yeah, to you off topic, it is not a masterpiece whatsoever. It is, it is the opposite, it is... Anyway, yeah, I was gonna make a... Masterpiece of shit. Yeah, I was gonna make a Citizen Kane pun, but you know what, it's not even worth, it's not even worth it.
00:22:52
Speaker
Yeah, so apparently they cut it, or not cut it, but they decided to, they wouldn't release it on VHS and obviously without a rating, you can't release the video here, and it wasn't until 2009 that they released the DVD here.
00:23:10
Speaker
I think they released it in America on VHS apparently, but I don't think they did over here, which I thought was really interesting. It's quite interesting because I couldn't find anything to say that there was a VHS released out here. The film came out in 1984, wasn't it?
00:23:31
Speaker
And one of the things that I found really fascinating and kind of funny was obviously this was a very controversial film when it came out and I mean standards back at the end were definitely a lot harsher than they are these days. I mean I still think this would garner
00:23:46
Speaker
a bit of controversy but especially for this film it was because they portrayed Santa as being this you know a killer essentially and they was going to scare the kids make them think that you know oh Santa's gonna you know come out and kill them if they're being naughty kind of thing but apparently it was either the director or it was one of the one of the higher-ups in the film anyway actually thought that the controversy would come from their depiction of the Catholic Church
00:24:17
Speaker
Like that was the thing. They thought that was gonna be the main source people were, you know, gonna outcry about. But no, it was apparently totally all about Santa being portrayed as an utter monster. Which, to be fair, I think countries like Denmark have probably been beating them to the punch for some time.
00:24:37
Speaker
for that because is it not like, and again I could be wrong in this, but is it not Scandinavian countries that literally have, they have like Santa with a sidekick who kidnaps kids or something? Oh I think there are some like that in there. And it's like yeah I mean he is being portrayed as a monster for a good while now. Just to go back to the point about like the portrayal of the Catholic Church, do you know what I find hysterical in this film?
00:25:02
Speaker
yeah so like it's so right he's at the orphanage and it's run by all these like catholic nuns and everything these nuns are so obsessed with making these kids like believe in santa claus and like think of santa claus as an omnipotent like all powerful figure not once they mention jesus like
00:25:19
Speaker
it's Christmas time right surely for nuns it would be hammering home the message of like Jesus's birth and this is everything this is like the point of Christmas but no it's all about Santa they're drawing pictures of Santa yeah Santa to the orphanage is the most important thing
00:25:34
Speaker
it's like getting the presents from Santa then we're going to write thank you letters and then the Mother Superior at one point is like oh I just see greed not gratitude it's like yes because you have indoctrinated these kids it's like ultra capitalist message on Christmas this is why they have no gratitude. See and we're whooping back to the Capitol wasn't we? It's all linked. As we spoke about last week.
00:25:59
Speaker
But yeah. That made me laugh so much. Yeah, I never really thought about that. But you're right. It's like at the very beginning, like after Billy, witnesses, parents, you know, get killed, which as much as I'm, you know, saying or we're both kind of saying it's quite a goofy film at times with the violence, it is quite a brutal scene. Oh, God. If you want to watch it, prepare yourself. I'd kind of forgotten. Yeah, because I was watching it. I was like, oh, Jesus, this is.
00:26:25
Speaker
No, but it is. It's like a very brutal. So it's like, if you're like, even by today's standards, there's a lot of scenes that are quite graphic and kind of brutal. So if you are going into then just kind of be wary about that. Do your kind of research on it first. But because I don't want to be like, I don't want to be like making fun of this film saying, I had a great time. Go watch it. No, this is my Christmas present to you. OK, just be careful if you're going to watch this.
00:26:52
Speaker
but yeah so yeah there's a scene like after they get killed and he's hiding in the bushes and it flashes forward there's a lot of flashing forward and he's in the classroom and they're all drawing like pictures of Santa which again like I mean personally I have no experience of like growing up and like
00:27:10
Speaker
Catholic school or anything, I didn't go to a Catholic school. Don't get me wrong, I assume they still talk about Santa and things obviously, but because they are trying to like, as you said, they're trying to like portray this message of, oh you have to be very devout and you have to be, you know, very moral and that, because like Billy ends up drawing the picture of Santa and he's reindeer like decapitated and stabbed and things and one of the nuns is trying to explain to say,
00:27:35
Speaker
maybe Billy is a bit messed up because of all this he's still got PTSD and everything and the mother subpoena is just like who? Pish Posh. He'll be fine with a bit of praying and you know. I know what I'll throw him out. Let's get him to sit on Santa's lap.
00:27:51
Speaker
yeah exactly although to be fair like he has a mean right hook like he gets forced to put on he gets as you said he gets forced inside his lap and he just turns around and like uppercuts him it's like what because I looked away and then I turn back and then Santa's like flatten these ass and he's just like
00:28:09
Speaker
What the hell is that kid's problem? That don't cure your fear though. I was kind of thinking like, surely if you actually get to like punch like the thing you're most scared of and you watch it like just flop on the ground like a fish, I'd be like, damn, I'm cured now. I'm not scared of Santa. Like I can take Santa and I'm like, what? How's he supposed to be eight years old or something?
00:28:27
Speaker
Well, to be fair, everyone's gangsta until Santa pulls out a candy cane shiv. Then you're going to realise that punching him probably wasn't the best idea. He punches him in runs. See, to be fair, that would probably be me as well. I would punch and run.
00:28:43
Speaker
Cos it is, it's like, everyone says, oh, you know, if I... Yeah, cos everyone says that about horror films, don't they? They're like, oh, if I was in a horror film, I would, like, punch the guy and then take off his mask. It's like, no, you wouldn't. You would not know, like, especially, like, if you were a kid and you were, you know, like, forced to see your... And I mean, especially, see, when he's putting the suit and everything, well in that, that was well done, that he looks jadedly uncomfortable in it.
00:29:09
Speaker
As we were saying, he gets volunteered by the home when he turns 18 to volunteer in this toy shop. And I have to admit, I did think it was quite funny that the toys that they use aren't generic. Which I was really surprised at. So in the background... There's a bit of fortune on some of those toys. Yeah, in the background you've got Star Wars and...
00:29:28
Speaker
like Mr. Potato Head and things like that. And even, did you watch that film? Was it called Crumb or something? It was like this. No, I can't remember. It was like a really bad sci-fi film. I can't remember if Craig had watched it at one of his bad movie nights. But yeah, it's really interesting to see that they use real toys. And it's kind of like, this is, this is just weird.
00:29:51
Speaker
There's realism in my horror film. I can't take it. And yeah, it's like the rest of it, let's face it, Billy is the only one that's really fleshed out and maybe like the nun that looks out for him. The rest of them are just very kind of one-dimensional. But you've got Mother Superior who is Angry Nun, number one. You've got the promiscuous 20-year-olds who are acting younger than they probably are.
00:30:16
Speaker
You've got the police chief who turns up in the last third of the film. You've got the policeman who is just there to die. It's all these kind of stereotypes except for Billy and I feel as if see if
00:30:32
Speaker
they made a film all centered more around that. I mean, it is good what they did with a lot of it, but if it goes with it, they kind of honed it in a bit more. They could have actually had a really good thing going. Obviously, I'm not a film maker or anything, so I don't know. So I don't know 100%, if that's easy enough to do or not. But I remember also just kind of going back to what the directors were thinking.
00:31:00
Speaker
Apparently the reason it caused so much controversy. Again, it's the idea of a young boy being traumatized by this event. And it's nothing new, isn't it? It's like Mike Myers, those kind of characters where they go through a traumatic experience. Bruce Wayne as well.
00:31:21
Speaker
Yeah, it's like they go through a traumatic experience and they don't like an alter ego and you know if they'd fleshed that out a bit more then I don't know like I feel as if they kind of dialed back the exploitation a bit and then they kind of
00:31:36
Speaker
about moron, like the geality. Because it feels as if he puts on the Santa outfit, that's it, like Billy's gone. It's more... Counter development over. Yeah, pretty much. It's just the government acts and he just goes around killing people and that's the end of any development that he has.
00:31:53
Speaker
And it is, it's just like, it could have been something more. But I think that's what everyone was kind of angry about, that they were just portraying him as Santa and not as, you know, not as a killer or a troubled youth.
00:32:08
Speaker
Again, I know I keep going on about it, but I do think that was the strongest bit of this film. Even though it's a terrible film, and I'm not gonna... Like, personally horror films aren't... Like, I prefer if I have to watch a horror film, I will watch like, kind of thrillers or slasher films like Scream and things. Because I don't like ones that are either too over the top or...
00:32:29
Speaker
you know, too paranormal. Except Nightmare on Elm Street, which actually came out the same time as this film, apparently. Yeah, apparently. And I could be wrong, so prepare for me to edit this out. But you know, I'm pretty sure it came out at the same time. Or if not, then probably a similar time. But yeah, it's just...
00:32:49
Speaker
Yeah, this is a film that's just absolutely soaked in controversy and I can see why. I can absolutely see why. But there was a lot of moments where I'm just sitting there, honestly, like I had my popcorn ready and I'm like, oh, I can't wait. And then I'm just watching this film thinking, well, why? Why are we watching this again?
00:33:08
Speaker
Why am I watching this again? I'm like, oh yeah, for the content. Do you know what? It's probably a funny thing. I think it is one of these films. I've never watched it like by myself. And that's probably like watching a film by yourself is a different experience. But I think especially for a film like this, like I've always watched it. It's like me and my partner watch this. It's one of our films we watch every Christmas.
00:33:29
Speaker
that's actually that does like at least then well it is now we watched it we watched it last year we watched it this year okay let's continue forward but we've always watched it together and then that way you can laugh at you can laugh you know the other person and bounce off things and it probably dilutes i think something then you can both just sit there awkwardly at the really like horribly explicit moments but it kind of does dilute it a little bit and probably in a way just watching it yourself
00:33:54
Speaker
So yeah, just to give a kind of brief background about our experiences with, not horror films, but with bad, well, technically a horror film. A horror film and bad movies in general. We both have a mutual friend, Craig, who you might know from the podcast, Beering Chill, over on Anchor. Really good podcast, by the way. That is my Christmas shout out done.
00:34:16
Speaker
But yeah. It's your good deed for Christmas. It is, it really is. We used to meet up with them, obviously like long ago before, you know, the End Times, which is this year. And we used to watch a lot of bad films together. So like, you know, like horror films and action films, things like that really. You get to know what makes like a good film and what makes like a bad
Experiences with Bad Films
00:34:44
Speaker
film.
00:34:44
Speaker
Or just a bad film in general, or what makes it enjoyable? And I don't know, I definitely shared a lot of things with that, I have to say. With the films that... It's definitely not the worst, I don't think it's the worst film I've ever seen. Yeah, no, it's definitely not the worst. I'm going back to the controversy.
00:35:05
Speaker
that surrounds this film. Apparently Siskel and Ebert, you know the famous movie reviewers in America, apparently at the time they really like laid into this film, they hated it and they turned around and said like that the producers should be ashamed of themselves and things like that and all the executives linked to this film like it was
00:35:29
Speaker
heated. I thought that was quite interesting I have to say. Yeah there is a lot of heat towards this film but I think it's one of those films that's kind of developed a cult following. Oh definitely.
00:35:40
Speaker
I didn't realise it had more than one part. Before I hand the reins over to you to talk about the sequel, I thought there was only the first one and then obviously there's a sequel which is pretty much a retelling of the first one I think which just added bits in and then apparently there's like up to part five and I don't know whether... is there actually? Because I don't know how true that is if it's
00:36:04
Speaker
no no there's definitely I mean there's we started watching some of the trailers the other ones yeah and then I think we I think there's at least five we got to the trailer for number four and it was just like if you thought if you thought this one was like gory and horrible there's just some scenes in that trailer I was just like I've got to turn this off because this is just hot this is horrible
00:36:24
Speaker
So there is at least five, I'm pretty sure. It might be boring to be honest. I think it's one of these things that you can just like flap the name on whatever like crappy slasher horror film that you're doing. Say A Christmas Just Call It Silent, My Deadly Night Part, whatever. You're good to go. Yeah, so I'm going to put the hand over to you. Just kind of talking about who... Yeah, just briefly mention the sequel. Yeah, go for it. Because I did watch it for the first time. The sequel is quite simply the laziest film I have ever seen.
00:36:52
Speaker
So yeah, so this, this one, the first one is about probably about 90 minutes, maybe a little, little shy of 90 minutes. And the sequels about the same length as well. It's just, it's just shy of an hour and a half. Um, 40 minutes of the sequel is recycled footage from the first film where they retell the whole story. And it is, I mean, like, okay, some of it you're like, okay, fine. I understand you want to like, cause it's the, the sequel focuses on.
00:37:18
Speaker
Billy's brother Ricky who also like so who's just a baby the night their parents got murdered but with a great memory though yeah but the great here's the thing right okay so the film starts right so basically like oh for so all the good stuff is in the trailer so just go watch the trailer and you've seen all these in the garbage day and everything like that's the rampage which happens like right at the end of the film and so basically the film starts and he's in this like he's in a mental institution he's being interviewed by this psychiatrist about like the events and it's like
00:37:46
Speaker
goes back and it starts with like you know his parents get emerging like okay fine fair enough right you need to see that bit maybe
00:37:52
Speaker
But then they go through the whole of Billy's story again. And then his brother, Ricky, who by the way, the actor is maybe playing Ricky, maybe the worst actor I've ever seen because he starts at a hundred and he has nowhere else to go. So he starts off yelling and shouting, like basic lines of dialogue. So there's no way for him. There's no room for him to move. Like he's, you know, he's laid out with stone. This is going to be it for the next like hour and a half. So like, and he's telling me, he's like, Billy told me everything. And then you see all these scenes.
00:38:22
Speaker
You see all these replayed scenes of Billy and the Orphanage punching Santa, seeing the couple have sex. By the way, they had to get a different couple in. It's a different couple having sex to the ones originally, so they must have had to get new actors or something like that. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah. And there's a different kid playing little Ricky. So they almost had to switch actors for some reason.
00:38:42
Speaker
but like so he's all these things are getting retold like and it shows him on his rampage but there's scenes right okay so the premise is like Billy tells Ricky everything okay fine fair enough and you know Ricky was there for some things but there's scenes that Billy is not present in so they show like the scene with the the dad like climbing into his daughter's room and the police like
00:39:01
Speaker
Billy wasn't there! How did Billy know that scene was happening? How does Ricky know this happened? Why is this in the film? There's no bearing on the plot of the second film. It's a funny little gag in the verse from why are we re-seeing this? And there's other scenes as well. There's scenes between Sister Margaret and the police chief. Billy's not there! How does...
00:39:20
Speaker
How does anybody know what happened apart from Sister Margaret and the police chief? And why are we seeing this? And so it's 40 minutes of the recycled footage. And then it gets to the bit where he goes on his rampage. But as well, Ricky gets adopted into a really nice family. And then his dad unexpectedly dies and then he goes on a rampage.
00:39:39
Speaker
So for a start there's not really any real reason because Ricky was too young to have been like maybe as traumatized as Billy was and like afraid of Santa but still like for some reason and he went this nice round but still he ends up in this murderous rampage where he goes through and most of the killing he isn't dressed as Santa until the very end where like so cuts back to like him talking to the psychiatrist and you find out he's killed the psychiatrist
00:40:00
Speaker
and he escapes from the mental institute and he goes after Mother Superior like the one from the first film who's also played by a different actress where they have to put some like makeup on her face to make it look like she's like lost an eye or something I guess to try and hide the fact that it's a different actor doing the role and so he goes after her and it's only then that he gets dressed as Santa to go kill her so there's literally no like there's no reason for him to dress as Santa really because he doesn't seem to have the same like shouldn't have the same psychological trauma
00:40:26
Speaker
as Billy and stuff but it's like oh crap it's a Silent Night Deadly Night film quickly like he murders somebody dressed as Santa then puts his costume on. It's just yeah it's literally just like just watch the trailer because it's got all the funny bits in it and it's just such a it's just such a lazy it's the laziest thing i've ever watched to have an hour and a half film with 40 minutes of recycled footage is just they they should be ashamed of themselves for that they should like you know i don't care if they're ashamed themselves for any of the kind of graphic content but they should be ashamed of themselves
00:40:55
Speaker
We're doing that but like so that's that's my rant here But can I tell you why I actually wanted to see from her from a silent night deadly night sequel? Yeah, do too because I actually want to see a silent night deadly night prequel about the Grandpa Because why the hell is he so like afraid of Santa like what? Like what happened to him like because this isn't like as far as this isn't like a very common thing like I don't know
00:41:18
Speaker
think Santa Claus is often like seen as like a figure of menace and terror maybe it's to some people but like not that I know of so why is the grandpa so like yeah in like terrified and then also why is the grandpa like punking this little kid like so the rest of the family's there and the grandpa won't say anything to anybody else and then they leave and for some reason the kids just their parents are like all right Billy just stay here with your grandpa
00:41:40
Speaker
by yourself then the grandpa wakes up and scares the crap out of this little kid for no reason and then the parents come back and he just goes back to his comatose status like I want to see why I want to see why the grandpa's the way he is like what happened what happened he's so terrified of Santa
00:41:55
Speaker
See, that's a weird thing because you never see Billy try to get back in contact with his granddad. This is literally an isolated scene. That's how the film starts. It's literally they go to see the granddad. The granddad is in a catatonic state. He's looking ahead, not interacting at all. The parents go to talk to... I don't even know why. They go to talk to the doctor, but they leave Billy. I don't get that.
00:42:23
Speaker
But they leave. Yeah, it's like, why? Well, no wonder, because obviously one person works in this whole mental institution, apparently. It's like, what is this film? And then, yeah, as soon as they leave, he's just like, and I love this guy's acting, by the way. I don't know who the actor is, but it's just so over the top. It's like, Santa's got to get you. And they like kind of sludge these words together. Santa's got to get you, Billy. He's got to get you. If you've been naughty or naughty. I know what Santa does. He just perishes people who are naughty.
00:42:52
Speaker
and they never bring it back up again you're like why why is this yeah just never come back to it and yeah it's like i totally agree like what what happened to him like did he like genuinely does he read the newspaper and see like you know if he's still alive at that point the billy's like going in this rampage and just like oh shit i was just screwing with him
00:43:19
Speaker
It's like, damn, it didn't mean to take that far. It's just like, what an awful series of occurrences. This film is just the ultimate example of just what happens when you just have a terrible series of coincidences, like Billy's like punking granny, and then it just happens to be a murderer dressed as Santa Claus. And I had to, like, the grandpa, the two, like, saving Grace, I think, in this film, are the grandpa and the toy store owner cracks.
00:43:43
Speaker
The choice there is so weird. Like see that scene. Yeah, but even before that, there's a scene where they introduce Billy. There's a lot of flashing forward in this film. Like Billy's parents die, flash forward to the orphanage. Billy encounters a lot of traumatising events in the orphanage.
00:44:04
Speaker
flashes forward again, it's him and an adult and you don't see him until one of the sisters, one of the nuns goes in and asks the owner and the owner's like making a big thing because he wants like someone to be in the back room to like carry boxes and he keeps saying things like, now I don't need a woman, I need a man, I need a man in there and all that, it's like, oh Jesus, right, okay and she's like,
00:44:30
Speaker
Oh, but I've got this person you can have, which is Billy, and he's like, I don't need a man! Oh, sorry, I don't need a kid, I need a man! And you know, there's this weird, like, he looks, like the camera goes, focuses on Billy's shoes, and then it pans up, and he's like, he's got the weirdest smile as if, oh, I can see, yeah, we're gonna have a hell of a time kind of thing, that's like, I don't know why he sounds like a 1930s.
00:44:55
Speaker
It's just the way he looks, the way he looks at Billy is incredible. So it's like, oh, I'll have a piece of that. That's exactly what I thought. I thought, what does that look like, Izzy? Yeah, Izzy. Oh, God. You know what? I'm not even going to make a Christmas metaphor here because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve my E game Christmas cracker jokes here. He doesn't deserve... That's how bad this is going. It's just there's so many...
00:45:23
Speaker
Yeah, there's so many weird and awkward scenes and it feels as if a lot of it is just there for the sake of it being there, if you know what I mean? Yeah. It's just like, oh, someone's getting assaulted. That's why Billy snaps. Oh, someone else gets stabbed or gets beaten up. Oh, that's about, you know, it's like it feels as if it's setting up more like... It's just the way when he's drunk at the toy store and it doesn't have like the Christmas after party.
00:45:50
Speaker
Billy's still dressed in this advocacy. For some reason he's traumatized of being Santa. He won't take the outfit off, for whatever reason. He only does it if somebody tells him to. But he's mad at Santa. He's always gets plastered off his face and he's just talking to Billy. He's like, you better get going, Santa. You know what Santa does, right? And it's just like, oh, somebody should have told him. Somebody tell him.
00:46:12
Speaker
It's a dramatic experience this kid has! In fact, no! Mr Margaret, you should have said! No, no, no, no. See, that's what I thought. And then the mother thought about it, that as a scene where he turned round and he's like, what does he say again? Oh, you're thinking like, ah, good, a boy should think about his parents. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, of course, of course. Which makes me think he knows. And obviously because he's plastered, he doesn't say anything.
00:46:39
Speaker
And that's the thing, it's just like, you know what Santa does this time of year? Like, did no one say, I feel as if they're burying this too much, as if it's like a, oh shit happens moment of, no, not everybody's parents gets killed by someone dressed as Santa. This is not normal. This is something you should be- This does feel like a British, like, stiff upper lip. Like, come on, chin chin. Chin chin. Oh, you'll be fine.
00:47:05
Speaker
those feelings, repress those feelings down. It's not even that, it's the fact he's working in a, well I suppose it's the 80s, but he's working in a toy store, surely there must have been some, obviously not a disclosure or a check or something, surely there must have been a conversation at the very least. There's a seamless system just before Billie's introduced where she, I think she says to the toy store, she's like, oh we've tried everywhere but nobody will hire him, so I wonder if they had been making this very clear.
00:47:34
Speaker
We don't want this nutcase working here. Just hide that so we can get a job. And I'm sure he won't come into contact with Santa at all at this toy store. Can't just see how they can happen at all. Santa, it's a toy store! Toys! Santa! Christmas!
00:47:53
Speaker
It's so funny. It's just so stupid. I love it. Yeah, I feel as if this is like co-winky-dink, the film. It's like everything is set up for this guy to fall and you're just like, no, no. Silent Night, deadly co-winky-dink. Exactly. I was trying to think of a pun for it earlier and I was like, you know what, I can't even, I can't muster the energy to bring up a pun for it.
00:48:21
Speaker
But before we go on to your film, I chose for you. Merry Christmas. Yeah, I have one question for you and you can feel free to ask me the same question when we get onto your film. But how the hell did you come across this film? Because I never heard of this. The only thing I had heard of was Garbage Day.
00:48:43
Speaker
but I never knew about the film itself, just that scene. Yeah, so all credit goes to the, if anybody knows that YouTube channel, Djibouti Dubs, which is the, it's like the most famous is doing like, if you've seen the red, I need a red copper pan. Hey, it's your girl Cathy. Hey, it's your girl Cathy.
00:49:03
Speaker
They used to, I don't know if they still do, but they also used to do some kind of similar things with movies where they'd choose to pick a movie and then they'd take scenes from it and then the three of them would just mock it and make fun of it. And this was one of them. And so me and my partner happened to see this and we thought it looked, again, from what we saw, we thought this looked hysterically funny.
00:49:21
Speaker
the film. And so eventually we were like, oh, we should try and track it down so we can find a copy. And then last year, of course it was last year, my partner ended up getting it from me. It must maybe have been that first DVD release, whatever it was. It was 2009, apparently.
00:49:36
Speaker
She wrapped it up for me, but what's hysterically funny about that as well is like, so when she'd seen like the, um, when she'd seen the video, the DVD cover it, what it had shown is it had shown like, I think it might be the one they use on the, the Amazon prime. Did you watch it on Amazon? Yeah.
00:49:51
Speaker
Is it the one where it's the chimney and it's his hand coming out holding the axe? Like he's going down the chimney. No, I think it's him standing out the chimney and there's a woman draped out. Oh, that one. Yeah, exactly. But she's got a top on, that's all I'm saying. Yeah. Okay, so when my partner found the DVD, it looked like it had one where basically
00:50:14
Speaker
Santa's hand coming up the chimney was like holding on to an axe and with the title But when the TV D arrived it was actually the cover that you just described Yes, the house is him standing outside the house dressed as Santa with Santa's like sack over shoulder and there's dead woman's body in it Yeah, however, like on the DVD cover. She isn't wearing a top. So it's this like whose breasts are completely exposed apart from she's wearing like
00:50:41
Speaker
She's wearing Christmas tassels, like a stripper wear. She's just hanging out. And it's like right at the front. It takes about half the DVD box. And my partner was like, I cannot give this to Adam, because what happens when he opens this and sees this? What is he going to think?
00:51:01
Speaker
but like so eventually she was gonna wrap it up for me but she was like i just have to explain this like yeah we just laughed about it thankfully we got it from we got it from CEX so they came with a big sticker so we just stuck the sticker right over it so even the DVD cover isn't yeah so that's yeah long-winded story of how we found it and then become a christmas tradition now to watch it which i presume it will be in your household as well from now on
00:51:25
Speaker
No, that's getting deleted. I rented it. I rented it for £1.99 and I still want my money back. I don't know whether the fraud department's opened at this time of year. I can phone them up and say someone hacked into my town. You could get me to court. I demand my £1.99 back for the psychological damage of watching this film. I mean, it's like either the lawyer's fees will probably be a bit more, but it's like, you know what? It's worth it. It's a principle for that £1.99.
00:51:53
Speaker
I want two cheeseburgers out of McDonalds for that. Why don't we throw this open to the audience? After hearing the two of us describe this film, put in some comments or whatever or message into Sat Tsunami and say if you think that I should reimburse him for making him watch this film. Let's throw it open to the court of public opinion. You know what, I think after this I am going to put a poll up.
00:52:19
Speaker
We will see. We will see. I'll have to scrape the money together. Do you know what? Please sir, I can barely afford it. This time of year, it's like I don't care. Wait, no, you're not becoming the George Bailey in this. I'm not being... I am not Mr. Potter, yeah, I'm not being... That's not me's mature. I give Mr. Potter his money. The rich, corrupt industry. Sitting in my chair like, Mr. Bailey.
00:52:47
Speaker
Mr. Adam, how could you? Oh, good. Yeah, I was actually talking to, I think it was another streamer, and I was saying to him, like, oh, I'm watching this horror film, and he was saying, oh, what horror film was it? And I tried explaining. I said it was a bad Christmas film, and I think he initially said, was it Krampus? And the more I think about it, the more I wish it was Krampus. You wish you had any other film but this one. Oh, good.
00:53:16
Speaker
Okay, like to summarise my thoughts on it, I thought the psychology bits were interesting. I thought if they played it straight, definitely could have been a really fascinating film, but yeah, it's just a native horror film, essentially. Yeah, it's just all the tropes, like, crammed into, like, Santa's sack, and he's beating you to death with it. So yeah, I would give a... trying to think, like, what would be an appropriate measurement?
00:53:43
Speaker
two dead women's bodies out of ten? No, I was going to say more like two. Actually, what would be a good thing? Well, I'm presuming you're giving it a two out of ten. I don't know why, maybe you're giving it a ten out of ten. Oh no, but we are not giving this a ten out of ten. Yeah, I was going to say like... That's an army recommend! Yeah, sounds like that may definitely does no recommend. I was going to say like two garbage pails out of seven.
00:54:11
Speaker
Oh, seven! That's not bad. What's that like? I can't do math, but that's like what, 30%? Yeah, can I just say, I can't count. So yeah, take of that what you will. I've been affected by the camera. Yeah. Take these methods with you. Yeah. Unobsoiled. Yeah, long story short, two out of ten. Would not recommend.
00:54:32
Speaker
Okay, so speaking of horror films, would you like to introduce both a film colloquially known as Bone Alone and also known as Alone for Christmas?
Introduction to Bone Alone
00:54:44
Speaker
Oh, as I was saying to you before we started recording, I tried to write a detailed synopsis but I gave up halfway through, so here's the challenge for the audience. If you can recognise the point where I start having to rely on my notes, I have to start relying on my memory,
00:54:59
Speaker
I was going to say so it's just like university again where you're doing like a you're doing a presentation and you've only written like half the notes and the rest of it you just have to wing it you're like okay you've got this it's like yeah and he was a long man with jargon the end
00:55:18
Speaker
But yeah, sorry. Go ahead. Yeah, so here we go. I'll take it away. So I'm just going to call it bone alone. Okay. Like, you know, it's called alone for Christmas, but we're calling it bone alone. Cause it's funnier. Bone alone, as you might be able to guess from the, well, maybe you're not cause it's a cleverly done pun. It's a parody of home alone.
00:55:33
Speaker
What? So basically, I know, I was as shocked. So, we start, the film opens, we have snowy mountains, you know, set in the scene for Christmas. It's winter, you know, all that seasonal things. Then we cut straight to what is clearly the middle of summer. On the middle of this American Tower. Bright shining sun, no snow in sight at all. We then cut to this dog called Cupcake, who fails to defend his home.
00:55:59
Speaker
from this gang of robbers and he ends up losing his bite, which is something we'll come back to, a concept we'll come back to. We then cut to this family who are just the worst. They're just the worst family ever. The worst stereotype of a middle class family who have two dogs. One's a new young dog called Columbus. The other one's the old, deady, been there for a while, bone. So basically the gag is that Columbus is this really like hyperactive, yappy dog. Oh, by the way, both dogs can talk.
00:56:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's like cats and dogs, isn't it? So I was saying this to you, sorry, just before we started this, that you know how people nowadays, you've seen the deepfakes of people taking pictures of people and they morph them into singing songs?
00:56:46
Speaker
I think there'd be some ones like the Yakuza song back in the tie and this crank is like morphing their faces to sing and everything and everyone was saying how, you know, with deepfake technology, oh they could get presidents and things to say anything on screen. No, no, they were using this technology far back in the day to make these dogs talk.
00:57:08
Speaker
this was like the evil i think that they were using it for it it's funny that you mentioned cats and dogs because i just got into thinking so well cats and dogs was like what 2000 2001 early 2000 yeah this is 2013 this cgi looks a million times worse in this film than it ever did something like cats and dogs from like over a decade before
00:57:28
Speaker
It looks worse than Terminator 2's graphic visual effects, which are from 1995. I can't even describe how better they look compared to those. Anyway. Sorry, just as a quick aside, I'm just thinking of, I remember I was watching a review of, I think it was, do you remember the old Scooby Doo film? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that came out in like
00:57:50
Speaker
early 2000s, I can't remember when it was that, I think 2001 maybe? And then it came out this exact same year as the two towers, like the Lord of the Rings problem. And I remember the reviewer going absolutely not saying like, this came out the same year! And it's like why does Scooby look like that?
00:58:05
Speaker
It's like this CGI-abomination model in towards the camera. It's like, yeah, you know what, there's no excuse. I mean, it's the same with a film like this. Whether it's a made-for-TV-or-not film, it's, yeah, it is. There's no excuse, essentially. We'll get back to the CGI, because that's part of my review.
00:58:22
Speaker
oh yeah yeah but anyway so yeah so the two dogs converse and bone and the gimmick is that columbus is like the hyperactive yappy like i i'm not sure what breeds they are i have to admit um i don't know if you know you're casual i think i know i think maybe maybe converse is a boston terrier i think that's all i'm saying yeah i don't know what i don't know what breed bone is i'm sorry
00:58:43
Speaker
I thought I was a German Shepherd, but then there is a German Shepherd. No, but then there's a German Shepherd later in the film, so I don't know if it's like that. It's a breed like that. Yeah. One of these bigger dogs, like Columbus is a small dog. Yeah.
00:58:55
Speaker
So anyway, yeah, so Columbus is hyperactive, yappy, running all over the place, like, like, ah, like Scrappy-Doo style. Got intruders, so he's like causing all this chaos. And for some reason, this stupid fucking family thinks that there's Bone, who is like the dog who doesn't do anything, just sits there quietly, doesn't make a fuss or anything. They think Bone is the one who's responsible for all this because he happens to show up at the moment that Columbus knocks something over.
00:59:21
Speaker
and it falls on him so they're all like bone and like oh my god yeah sorry it's just like kind of jumping in quickly but i so i re-watch that like you um i re-watch this film again just to make sure like i remembered it and see at that scene the way they like the way this like shitty family retell this like to their friends is
00:59:42
Speaker
Oh, Bone savagely mauled the tree and knocked it over. Can I just say, Columbus, like the wee dog, goes in like to this, like there's a dole or something that's going off. Yeah. And Columbus like just tears into like this package. He is balls deep in this package, tearing it apart. And yet somehow because like a, like literally two pieces. One bit of tinsel. Oh, like a bit of tinsel falls onto Bone. They're like, Bone? And it's like, what?
01:00:12
Speaker
What is this? So yeah, sorry. No, sorry. This family is as stupid as all hell. But yeah, so Bone keeps getting blamed. And so basically the family have just moved into their house, but they're going to their grandmas for Christmas. And because Bone is such a troublemaker, who's destroying everything, they decide that Bone can't come with them and they're going to have to take him to a kennel, but they're going to take Columbus with them.
01:00:37
Speaker
Columbus is clearly the most well-behaved dog ever. The kids aren't happy about this but dad's putting his foot down because he's the man of the house and he's in charge. That's literally what he says. It's literally almost verbatim. So they're getting ready to leave and just like getting ready to leave this
01:00:53
Speaker
the most sleazy looking postman ever shows up not dressed in any kind of postal gear apart from some some patch that he's clearly like i don't know like pretty stick to his to his jacket shows up it's like a package yeah it's like you know those labels you used to get in primary school trips where you stuck it on and said hi my name is and then you just write it on and like a biro pen it's pretty much that
01:01:15
Speaker
Yeah, it's literally that. So he shows up and he finds out that they're going away and he wishes them a Merry Christmas and a safe trip. But then, shock horror, he goes back to his postal van, quote unquote, which is a black van with a fish sticker on the side, and we find out he's part of a gang who are going to rob the house. But sadly, one of them just wants to go caroling one of these robbers. That's all he wants to do in the film. He just wants to carol, which is kind of sweet.
01:01:40
Speaker
And then, but the other guy, the leader who's the sleazy postman is like, no, we're going to rob this house. And as they drive away, for some reason, they decide to destroy this kid's bike for no reason and bring like so much attention to themselves. If they were ever to come back to that neighborhood, the kid would be like, oh yeah, that's the, that's the, that's the van that destroyed my bike. So yeah, that was, that was worth it. Yeah. Anyway, so the family, oh, sorry.
01:02:00
Speaker
No, no, so can I just say, like, this is one of the things that's stuck out for me. So, as you said at the beginning, this is based off of Home Alone, right? And in Home Alone... Apparently. Yeah, so, seeing Home Alone 1 and 2, do you remember what time of day that the Sticky Bandits or White Bandits or whatever they go by, can you remember what time of day they went to Raw Pouses at? Well, I mean, like, very unusually for criminals. They decided to do things at night.
01:02:26
Speaker
Yeah, they decided to do it at night, right? Or times where they knew they weren't going to be in. Whereas, as you said, they run over a kid's bike so it shows that there are going to be kids that are watching in that neighbourhood. And, yeah, they decide in the middle of the day when they've just left that they're going to rob this house. And it's like, what? What in plain view? Well, you know what? Filming at night's hard. You know what? I'll give you that. I'll give you that.
01:02:57
Speaker
Who's got the time? I stand corrected. I stand corrected. Anyway, so the family arrive at the kennel to drop bone off and they meet the owner of the kennel, Antony Antony, or Triple A. You get it? Because I fucking don't. The family declares that he is covered in dog shit. Even though he's clearly not covered in dog shit. But anyway. It turns out...
01:03:20
Speaker
It turns out that AAA is not a very good business owner, surprise, surprise, but he pleads with the dad that he needs the business, and he promises, first of all, he offers him a $10 discount, then a $30 discount, and then a $6 discount. And then this convinces the dad to drop Bone off, and AAA promises to take good care of him like he was his own brother. So Bone meets the other dogs, including the eponymous cupcake, who we saw at the beginning of the film.
01:03:47
Speaker
And Cupcake reveals, like, basically talking to Cupcake, he finds out that his family's home is going to be robbed by this group of, it turns out, this gang was, the gang from who just showed up at Bone's house was the same gang who robbed the house in the beginning. So Bone... So I was just going to say, Coenkydink 2. Oh, Coenkydink 2, yeah. These folks are just Coenkydinks, aren't they? Essentially. Yeah. So Bone telepathically communicates with Columbus that the home is in danger.
01:04:15
Speaker
No, they tails them. No, we telepathically communicate with them because Columbus is in the car with the family. Bone is in the kennel. The family have driven away by this point. They're pathically communicating, but somehow they have some link because they're brothers. Brothers from another mother, essentially. Yeah, that's it. So Bone cococks an escape plan and somehow he manages to outwit the genius of AAA by hiding under a rug.
01:04:42
Speaker
and then I think AAA starts dancing on the other dogs and then Bone escapes over this freaking suspension bridge for some reason is near this kennel. But anyway, and then he heads for home. As the family stops to get some food, Columbus crashes their car and breaks the back window and escapes outside. And he catches a ride on a passing car. The family runs out to find out what happens and somehow
01:05:05
Speaker
daughter is able to spot Columbus in the back of this speeding car where you can't see anything in it at all but she somehow discovers that Columbus is in it and Columbus is hiding under a blanket as well so this girl has like extra vision.
01:05:20
Speaker
it's clearly a superhero anyway the bandits arrive outside the house and they argue about like the value of an easy bay carbon and what they should steal and at the same time bone is running his making his way home he steals a skateboard from the very same kid whose bike got crushed earlier in the so yeah poor kids
01:05:56
Speaker
Yeah. And like, you know, that'll scare the burglars off. However, shock and horror, Burton realizes that everybody else in the whole neighborhood has gone on vacation. So there's nobody there. So it's up to him to stand his ground, defend the house, and therefore he prepares for war.
01:06:05
Speaker
that's his name, by any chance
01:06:13
Speaker
So as he sets up all these traps, as the robber is trying to get into the house, they come up to the back door, or maybe it's the front door, one of the doors. They have to go up these wooden steps. And as they go up these wooden steps, Bone has weakened one of the planks. So one of the robbers, he also happens to be the skinniest and literally cannot weigh that much at all. He happens to step on the board and falls through it. And so half of him is hanging, his legs are hanging below and his torso is still stuck up top. The other two robbers go down. Oh, sorry.
01:06:42
Speaker
No, just like confirming what you're saying. It's all true. Just for anyone listening thinking what kind of spoiled milk have these guys been drinking, I swear to God I can confirm Adam's story.
01:07:00
Speaker
this is a real film you can look it up in all good service providers but honestly i would recommend not to but we'll get to that um but yeah it's he is the most annoying like that is one of the things that i hate about films like this like obviously i'm not
01:07:15
Speaker
It's like when I went to watch this for the very first time, I did not expect it to be, you know, highbrow kind of top 10 Christmas films or anything like that. I didn't expect that. But it's the fact that just the gang is so lazy. It's like, we've got the leader, the fat one, the one who has a high-pitched scream. It's like that, so the gang will show up multiple times.
01:07:38
Speaker
Yeah so the guy who you were saying the guy who's like really kind of lanky and as you said they definitely wouldn't weigh anything to crash through he is the one who gets the majority of like the punishment because I think he's the only one that's got like a high-pitched scream because you know screaming equals funny it's like oh no but anyway yep go anyway so yeah so he's hanging halfway through this like these boards
01:08:01
Speaker
So the other two robbers go down to try and pull him through. They're trying to pull him through the hole at the floor. At the same time, Bone gets this pot, gets this pan. He's just repeatedly clonking the guy on the head. He's stuck behind and he's like, what's going on? Who's doing that? As the guy's trying to pull him through, he's getting clonked on the back of his head. Somehow not getting knocked out. I mean, he doesn't seem to have many brain cells to lose to begin with, so he's probably fine.
01:08:30
Speaker
But as the robbers try and pull him through comically, they rip off one of his trouser legs. And then they somehow get out. Then eventually they try and climb a ladder to get in the bone, put some like a washing-up liquid down it, and one tubby one pulls off. And eventually the leader finds his way into like a side window and he stands on... I mean, I don't want to go too much into the traps because like I want to properly talk about the traps in my room.
01:08:52
Speaker
But he like stands on the traps range from from the ineffective to the downright lethal to be sexually intrusive like I want to talk more about in the review. So basically they finally get in the house and you know, they realize that they're outmatched by this dog tormenting their lives. So they call up the leader's cousin, who's this guy called Quentin, who's like a dodgy dog catcher, who it turns out is like
01:09:21
Speaker
He's basically kidnapping dogs and then like ransoming their owners from back so he can get like $200 lunch and then the mayor to like sort out the parking in front of his house Well, did you notice by the way his like logo for his business? I don't didn't even actually pay attention So it wasn't something I noticed until I re-watched the film again for the purposes of this note for pleasure I just want to make that a hundred percent clear here
01:09:46
Speaker
yeah he's got like a dog catcher on his back I think and he's got it's like a picture of like a skull and crossbones but the skull in the middle is one of a dog it's like who would hire this man to be like
01:10:02
Speaker
Yeah, I want you to bring in my dog alive and there's like, got it, is it Coxie's shotgun? It's like, no, this is not the guy you want. It's almost, yeah, that's what we're saying then, silent night, deadly night. It's like, almost a good idea is not asking the person with a traumatic past whether or not he's okay to dress as Santa Claus. We're gonna get into the traumatic past as well. So basically, this guy arrives,
01:10:30
Speaker
So, he does it for $60, because I guess he's given the cousin's discount. No, he asks for more money. Animal Cross as well. Oh, does he ask for more money? Well, he says he's done it for, he says he's usually done it for $50, but he's done it for $60 this time. And a burrito. And a burrito. Or a half-eaten burrito. Half-eaten burrito. That was just so weird. I know obviously that was meant to be ha-ha comedy, but it's like, you're fucking weirdo, buy your own burrito.
01:10:52
Speaker
I don't, I'm sharing food all that funny, but there we go. Maybe that should be. That's the end of Scott and me. I'm just like, you may take my life, but you'll never take my fries.
01:11:03
Speaker
Yeah, so, um, so he's going to arrive at the same time, but also, so, so the couple who's so, so we'll go back to Columbus. So Columbus has stowed away in this car and it turns out the couple will drive in the car. One of them, the man looks exactly like Santa. Well, it's supposed to look exactly like Santa Claus. What do you mean? I'm saying because I'm pretty, I'm pretty sure like, yeah, okay.
01:11:24
Speaker
He's about to look like he's had a cause. Basically, they stopped the car and they discover Columbus in the back and they read his tag and they resolve to take him back to the address on the collar. Also, the couple have their own dog there, who I think is the German Shepherd. The dog's called Diesel, who then proceeds to tell Columbus how much he likes ripping the jugulars out of human beings, which I thought, oh, this is going to make an excellent finale when Diesel savages all these robbers at the end. Sadly, that didn't happen.
01:11:54
Speaker
Anyway, the family, Columbus's family are in hot pursuit of this car, and they're getting really close. They're about to catch it up as they're screaming and yelling out the car windows. However, Columbus is like, no, they can't get me. I need to get home to help my brother defend the house. So Diesel's like, I've got this. So Diesel throws a plank with some nails in it.
01:12:11
Speaker
out the back of the car onto the road yeah like why they have that in the back of the van i've got no idea i thought they have just a dog in this this nail port yeah it's like what is like see if this person is meant to be santa cause what the hell is santa doing well silent night dead all night okay never right yeah he's too busy murdering promiscuous teens at the
01:12:32
Speaker
Yeah, the more I'm thinking about it, the more I think this is a spiritual successor to that film. In many ways, so much so. But yeah, the traps could definitely have been lifted. Absolutely. But more on that later. Anyway, so yeah, so Diesel throws these nails onto the road, which then bursts the tire on this family's car and then all of a sudden it becomes a Fast and Furious film. This car is doing like a million mile an hour spins and it's just going crazy and the family are like,
01:13:00
Speaker
You know, like screaming in the car and eventually they somehow don't careen over and die. They survive. They turn into like a CGI thing, did you notice? Yeah. You know, don't get me wrong, like the CGI is absolutely brilliant on this home. Like... I don't, we'll come back to the CGI. I'm losing the will to speak. Yeah, the CGI is just, yeah, just chef kiss. So good.
01:13:28
Speaker
I think as well, I think, sorry, I think I've forgotten, I think by this point as well, like AAA is phoned up to inform the fam, casually inform the family that he's lost Bono or Steve as he phoned him, because the dog looks like a Steve to him. Yeah, a dad's humour. Oh, you said you'd look after him like your own brother and then we find out that AAA has lost his brother like eight years ago. To be fair. Not like he's died or, well maybe he's died, but just AAA just lost his brother. Yeah, but see, to be fair though, see if that was my brother, I probably would have lost contact with him years ago, I mean.
01:13:55
Speaker
I definitely would have lost that number a long time ago but yeah so basically we cut back to Bone as we cut back to Bone and Quentin's like arrived at the house and all of a sudden the film becomes Jaws for like the next 20 minutes as Quentin plays like Quint from Jaws who's like the grizzled old um fisherman who gets hired to track down the shark oh yeah so become Jaws and then he tries to he puts a big like a steak an uncooked steak on a fishing rod and
01:14:24
Speaker
but Bone realizes it's a trick and somehow drops the steak unknown into like the tubby robber's boxers and he pulls up his trousers doesn't feel that there's a huge hunk of meat you know maybe he's maybe he's particularly well endowed but anyway yes Quentin thinks that he's caught it I'll be I'll be a minute
01:14:49
Speaker
I'll be dying in the corner over here guys. You just keep going. I'm dying in the other corner so it's all good.
Bone's Home Defense Tactics
01:14:58
Speaker
So Quentin thinks he's got hold of the dog and reels it in and then like... I thought the gag here was going to be that eventually the tubby guy was going to get thrown back and it's going to be funny but that doesn't happen. What happens is the line breaks.
01:15:12
Speaker
I think the tubby guy falls down somewhere. It's a disappointing setup for what is excruciatingly long scene. Yeah, there's no P.O. whatsoever. They're just like, oh, we cut away. And it's like.
01:15:22
Speaker
So then Quentin's next plan is to like, Quentin's next plan is to take out his cattle prod and then just go and see if he can just electrocute the bone. Which he would have done at the beginning. Yeah, which is really what should have happened at the beginning. Because I'm not being funny, you know, it's called a fishing road for a reason. It brought the fishing road, oh my god, he was going to use it.
01:15:44
Speaker
So yeah, so he's got the cattle brought and this is this leads to the best scene in the film and it is worth it. It's worth watching the film just to see this scene because it is hysterical. So so but he's looking around the living room to find them and then the same doll at the beginning that Columbus like tore into mama mama is doing is making that noise. Quentin hears this. And then rather than being like, oh, that's clearly a child's doll is like, oh, maybe that's the dog. So he goes to investing. Oh, yeah.
01:16:11
Speaker
he picks it up and he's like oh it's just a doll and it turns out to be one of these dolls that pisses like i don't even know if that's a thing maybe it maybe it was a thing you know i think it actually is um because i do remember years ago like this is a very weird aside you know fuck you bonalones for making me go on this aside i remember years ago there was like these dolls that that was their like one thing the advertising it's like look it pisses everywhere like for christmas yeah and it's like
01:16:41
Speaker
Why? Why did we change that? Why is this a thing? But yeah, as I said, I'll reiterate, screw you, Bono-1, from making me revisit that traumatic childhood past. Yeah, so this doll pisses, basically pisses all over Quentin. And then what Quentin doesn't realise is there's a train track, a toy train track running around the ring of the tree. So Bon then hits the button, and this sends the train, this sends the train slowly. Now, I want to reiterate, slowly,
01:17:09
Speaker
sends the train moving around the track and it gently knocks into Quentin's foot falls off the track this causes Quentin to drop the cattle prod directly onto the train track which then starts to electrocute him it goes crazy my electricity is electrocuting him which but then something explodes
01:17:29
Speaker
Yeah. It's just hysterical.
01:17:50
Speaker
series of events, but yeah, so eventually Quentin comes downstairs, he's all fried and frazzled and he takes his burrito and he leaves, he's had enough. So then basically the robbers are getting especially frustrated now and they redouble their efforts to find bone, which leads to the sexually intrusive trap I mentioned earlier, which I'll go back into detail about.
01:18:09
Speaker
And then one of the robbers gets locked in a shower, which Bohm then switches on, presumably to drown him, because he's blocked the plug hole. So one of the robbers is going to die, so he's going to turn into sore. Yeah, genuinely, the first time I saw that, that was genuinely the time, again, I'll come into that later.
01:18:26
Speaker
Yeah, that was the time I turned around to the person I was watching him with. I was like, oh, holy shit, because not only does he block the drain, he puts a broom across the candour which walks him in and the water's just, it's like a James Bond trap mixed with salt. This is the one who just wants to go caroling as well. This is the one least deserving of death. So he's getting locked in this shit. So this actually, no, I'm going to talk about the traps because these three traps that happen to the robbers are like
01:18:53
Speaker
the sign of what I was talking about, the ineffective lethal and sexual intrusion. So this guy's locked in the shower, about to die, and he saw a trap. The leader basically gets himself glued to all these soft toys, which does nothing except make him squeak every time he moves around, while the skinny guy who's had one trouser leg torn off gets trapped in a laundry chute, which by the way, the way they filmed this, this house clearly didn't have a laundry chute, so they have this cupboard upstairs which they have to hide,
01:19:18
Speaker
pretend there's a laundry shoe there anyway so he gets stuck in the bone pushes him into the laundry shoe and bone then proceeds to like stick a glass from what you don't actually see this but from what i was implied in the dialogue proceeds to stick a a glass ornament up his ass followed by yeah and then he sticks a lawn dart up the guy's hands at the same time the guy's eating a lot of burritos so he's farting away which is also causing the house to shake
01:19:43
Speaker
Like it's Seismic farts. So the house is like, the foundations are shaking and nobody quite knows what it is. And then eventually the guy who's the leader who's Cottley Hardly Toy finds him and then like pulls his other trouser leg off trying to get him out. So then he's like, I know what to do. He goes get some like washing liquid and puts it down the laundry shoe, which causes the guy to slide down. But what bone has done, bone has put a barbecue at the bottom of the laundry shoe and turned it on.
01:20:10
Speaker
And the guy falls face first into it and the face gets grilled. These traps, they just range from just all over the place. It's so totally bizarre. Yeah, so they'd get extra... Oh, sorry.
01:20:24
Speaker
No, I was just going to completely agree with you. It's like, on the one that, like, see with Home Alone, because let's face it, this is the parallel we have to draw here. Like, at least with some of them, like, it was like a child, like, trying to defend itself and everything. It's the fact that a dog managed to think, oh yeah, I could turn this barbecue on and grow this guy's face, I could drown them. It's like, the dog is big enough to sink his teeth into these guys. It's evil.
01:20:52
Speaker
It's not like he's utterly defenseless. Even Kevin McCallister didn't do that. He didn't put a live fucking guy. Okay, I know he bricked a guy in the face four times. And he did burn. Maybe if you're a child, you're like, oh yeah, I'll just throw his brick and it'll be fine. Yeah. You know, but to put a live grill at the bottom is like, to try and drown a guy. Kevin McCallister never drowned anybody. Yeah. And as well, like the dog tried to drop a chandelier on them earlier.
01:21:16
Speaker
in the film. I'll just remind you, we'll talk about the traps now, because we're into the weeds now with this. We're trying to drop a chandelier on them. But at the same time, he does the one with the cuddly toys with blue. When the leader breaks into the house, Bone has put these mouse boards or something, he's put these gluey plastic boards on the floor, which the guy stands in. And there's absolutely no hindrance.
01:21:41
Speaker
No, this is not even the Lego I understand. But he puts these sticky boards on the ground. The guy steps on them. And then he gets a little caught in some wires. And he quite easily gets himself free. He doesn't do anything. And then he gets really annoyed. He's like, oh, I can't stand these plastic boards on my shoes, which are doing absolutely nothing. He takes his shoes off. And that's when he goes stands on the leg. Which the traveler would only work if somebody did take their shoes off. So that's an incredible foresight in forward planning.
01:22:11
Speaker
both in there. There's a smart dog as the comments so I did see like some comments in some of the videos on YouTube for this film and yeah there was one comment in particular that really got to me that was just like amazing film cannot believe that cannot believe that this dog is smarter than the average robber and all of this and it's like oh Jesus wept
01:22:35
Speaker
There's one quote, I'm gonna see if I can find it quickly. There's one quote that like, I really hope somebody was joking. I really do hope somebody was joking. I don't think they will.
01:22:44
Speaker
So here's the quote. This was a very funny movie, laughing all through it. It was funny the dogs were pretty intelligent. I mean, really considering they could tie and climb and all that other stuff. I really generally hope that was like a joke comment. I'll lose my shit here if this person actually thinks the dog was freaking tying things and taking all these traps. I can't handle it if somebody actually thinks that's true. There was actual- Not enough already.
01:23:11
Speaker
There's actually one, I won't go too in depth about it because I know you like to talk about it, where one of them turns on the fireplace. But you can clearly see that whatever's holding the key and turning it is hidden by a chair leg.
Character and Plot Critique
01:23:27
Speaker
They don't even get the paw to turn it or anything.
01:23:31
Speaker
You know, it is just that it's clear with someone just grabbing it and turning it, which obviously that is throughout the film. I'm not suggesting for one moment that it is like these dogs or like anything, but because usually they get like a prosthetic paw, don't they?
01:23:46
Speaker
yeah or even just a dog spa just on top of like the props to pretend yeah because i'm pretty sure there's a bit where he like knocks over the legos but you can see him like licking the bottom of the bucket all right so it's clear they put like a treat underneath or something like that and you're just like oh my god just amazing
01:24:05
Speaker
Yeah Where was I in this film? Oh, yeah, so basically all these separate traps have happened But the other two robbers have like managed to court they think they've cornered both Yeah, it's only like special trap But then as they're getting closer the guy in the thankfully the guy in the shower Like the the the pressure the waters obviously too much and it like breaks the door off the hinges He comes like surfing out right into boat is able to capture So the robbers capture bone and they lock him like rather than just like kill him then and there Which is like pretty I mean, this dog has tried to murder them
01:24:33
Speaker
Like, you know, by this point, they probably have a reason to murder them. They lock them in a cupboard and threaten to kill them later and they start robbing. But like the stuff they're taking, the stuff they're taking is so bizarre. Like the leader is like stealing the baubles off the Christmas tree. How are they? How can they be that vibe? They look, they look cheap and nasty. What are you doing? It's too late for Christmas. You haven't decorated your tree by now. Just don't bother. Wait till next year. Like I don't get this. And I come up with other people. I think the tubby guy steals the jewelry, which you're like, okay, that's fine.
01:25:02
Speaker
I think the other guy's just going through the fridge. I can't even remember. See, that's the thing I don't get because at the very end, the kid, don't worry, I'll get to him in a minute because rewatching this gave me a newfound hatred for all these characters.
01:25:17
Speaker
Yeah, but yeah, we'll get to him. But yeah, the NT says something like, oh, the dog stopped an international... I don't know if he says international, but he says, stop these diamond thieves? And it's like, where are the diamonds? What diamonds are you seeing? Why would you break into a residential place? For what, a bracelet? Okay, maybe. Maybe the jewellery.
01:25:39
Speaker
Why are you talking? Sorry, go on. I was just going to say, I didn't mean to talk to you. No, go on. I was just going to say, he's talking on that phone, which my partner currently pointed out, he's never switched on at any point during this film. I just like to imagine the parents gave him this phone and they're just like, oh my God, he's still talking to his imaginary friends.
01:25:58
Speaker
Anyway, so I didn't mean to- Yeah, no, not at all. I'm just thinking, see, since we're mentioning them, should we just, like, go for the jugular? And the word's a diesel, we should just go for the jugular. And live life. Live, laugh, love. My god, I hate this kid. Like, obviously.
01:26:14
Speaker
And I always think about this when I'm ranting about bad films. See these actors as people, they're probable, roughly, in everything. No anger against them. But my God, seeing the character of that kid is the most fucking infuriating thing I think I've ever seen in my life.
01:26:33
Speaker
It's like, through the entire film he's got a flip phone, which I don't understand because this film was made in 2013. There were, correct me if I'm wrong, were there not smartphones in 2013? Yeah! Flip phones weren't a thing, I'm pretty sure. Flip phones aren't museums now. Have my system made like years before that, maybe? But there was definitely, I'm sure, I'm sure I had an iPhone at that point. Maybe? Did I? Yeah.
01:26:59
Speaker
I'm sure I did. My phones were out by that point. Yeah, uh-huh. So I'm not expecting them to be rocking their iPhone. There's surely something in this century. It's not even that. See, it's the flip phone, and it's got the fucking antenna coming out of it. It's like, what is it? Is it going to put a bit on Wall Street next? Is it going to put his suspension out? I'm just box. Oh, yes. Bye, bye, bye. It's like, what is this phone? It's the direction I've given him his phone, which I presume was probably an iPhone or something.
01:27:28
Speaker
Oh, I genuinely don't know what the thinking was behind that. But genuinely, it's like throughout the whole film, he is on the phone to some random... I don't think they ever, like, specify? I think it's like assumed... He's called Hunter. I remember they call him Hunter. Yeah, it's like he's friend. Oh, it's good. Quote, quote, friend. Yeah, exactly. And... Some 40-year-old guy from Michigan or something like that. I'm Michigan. I don't know the random stuff.
01:27:58
Speaker
But yeah, sorry. So, yeah, it's like, yeah, he's phoning this guy throughout the entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire entire
01:28:28
Speaker
You've got two dogs, a Christmas tree that, I mean, my God, I'm looking at my Christmas tree just now. It's not even like half the size of that. I mean, it's not even a third or a quarter. It's like this massive tree that you would get like in a shopping centre or in the middle of a town, you know.
01:28:48
Speaker
and they've got it like straight in the living room you know and they're going to see like this is the thing that pissed me off as well so throughout the film he keeps saying to his friend on the phone like oh it's the worst christmas ever and then at one point he screams because he's got no battery in his phone um and that's the ha ha it's a joke kind of thing but then at the very end
01:29:10
Speaker
This little shit has the cheek to turn round and be like, oh, Christmas is not going to be the same because Grand and Grandad aren't here. It's like you are literally on the road to see your grandparents. You bitch the entire way because you couldn't take your dog. And now you're coming back. You have the cheek to be like, oh, I suppose my grandparents would have been nice to see. It's like you are never happy. You are never.
01:29:42
Speaker
Even the sister, the sister you can understand, she's kind of played as just a generic child worried about her dog kind of thing. But is this shit? This Wall Street little shit?
01:29:55
Speaker
What's around? What's his flip phone? His future coke top investment banker that he's definitely going to become. Hi, I'm Minnie. I'm Minnie, Mr. Potter. Yeah, he literally is. Because he's like, put it all on red, Jack, you know.
01:30:10
Speaker
The only thing we can be glad about is that this took place in 2013, which I don't think, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think hashtags were a thing or maybe they weren't as big a thing. Because if it had been a few years later, you would have definitely been like, hashtag worst Christmas ever at every single moment. That's the only thing I'm going to be slightly thankful for.
01:30:33
Speaker
I'm assuming because it came out in 2013 that it was made like a couple of years before 2013, if you know what I mean? Oh, that's a fair one. Maybe they were still like weren't as big a thing as they are now. But I mean, even between 2010 to 13, like, let's give it the benefit of the day. Let's say like hypothetically if it was made in 2010. Yeah. There were still touchscreen phones in 2010. Yeah. I am 19. Oh no, like, no, the phone. I totally wouldn't. I wouldn't.
01:31:00
Speaker
Yeah, but I think Twitter was relatively new, was it not? No, I was just going to say, I can't remember exactly. Maybe somebody can tell you and say when hashtags actually blew up. But that was the only thing I was thinking. I was like, just thank God we're not getting a hashtag. Worst Christmas ever. Until we get to the very end, there's hashtag best Christmas ever.
01:31:23
Speaker
I'm not putting out by the... Except it's not because we don't get to go to Grandma's, which is fucking like, you know, I complained about, as you say, the whole way across. Yeah, exactly. It just annoys me. It really irks me, that problem. It's like the character rather irked me. It's like, you know what, if anyone deserves the house to be robbed, it's probably these guys. Yeah, they deserve it. Like, we'll talk about, I was going to, we'll talk about the financial implications of what actually happens compared to what could happen. Yeah.
01:31:50
Speaker
I'll make a compelling case about that later, but we'll get to that all in good time. Where the hell was I in this? I've actually almost lost. Oh yeah, so they've caught, oh yeah, they've caught Bone and they've locked him up. Then just as they're like robbing the house, the kindly old couple, the Santa Claus, shows up with Columbus and they have to pretend, the robbers have to pretend they lived there. They're like, oh, thank you for finding our dog.
01:32:12
Speaker
Columbus is like, oh, well, I know this isn't my family. And then he warns Diesel. He tries to warn Santa and his wife, but they don't leave it. And so they leave Columbus. I think Diesel hops out of the car as they drive away. I can't remember. But anyway, so they then lock on. Wait, wait. Sorry. Just before you go on, do you not remember the moment? So throughout the film, they kind of all looked to him being Santa Claus. Genuinely, they do the thing. He's choking on something while he's driving the neat. And then he goes, ho, ho, ho.
01:32:42
Speaker
like that. It's so on the nose and everything and there's literally a scene where as you said when they return the dog and they see something's not quite right but they're just kind of like right okay fair enough we are gonna be on our way and the robber actually has a candlestick on the other side of the door which he is willing to bludgeon this elderly couple with I'm assuming if you know if they're you know gonna come in and like see
01:33:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's like he's just holding this candle sticking. I'm like, what is this cluedo shit? Oh, it's so weird. Also, the couple say nothing about this guy who is literally covered in, like, stuffed toys. They have no visual reaction to that. Well, between that and the half-naked toy boy in the background with your own marks on his face.
01:33:36
Speaker
Oh my God, this film just takes me all over the shop. But anyway, they lock Columbus up. So then Bone and Columbus have a heart to heart moment. Columbus realizes that he's a yappy little shit. Bone's like, we can do it, we can defend the house. So they then hide under a blanket.
01:33:53
Speaker
And then the robbers come back after they put all the stuff, rather than just drive away with all this stuff, they're like, no, we're going to get these, which maybe in fairness, if this dog had tormented me, I'd feel the same. I feel as if addictive and petty. They'd be just like, go get the dogs, kill them. So then the tubby robber goes to find them. But then because they're hiding under the blanket, he's like, they're gone. So he then runs all the way back out to the van, gets into the van, closes the door to them and be like, the dogs are gone, which obviously they had to do because obviously they had to. If you notice every scene there in a car,
01:34:21
Speaker
It's just this, it's just blinding white around the windows. Really? Which makes me think, yeah, like, go look, let's say, go watch it again. Don't. Yeah, but I want to see. Look at this. There's no scenery outside the windows. They clearly had to film this at like, I don't know, some set or something like that. Like they couldn't play in it. So it's always just like pure white out the windows at any time they're in a vehicle. So obviously they couldn't have him like in and out of the vehicle, like saying, so we had to get into the vehicle to sell the news. So he says, so they run back in the house to find them, but then Columbus and Bono set up some more traps.
01:34:50
Speaker
which involved the skinny guy getting dragged up the chimney. To which point, Combus then puts the fire on to like, literally burn the guy alive. He happens to fart because he's had all these burritos and bean dip, which then like, sets off this giant fireball that like engulfs him.
01:35:08
Speaker
Oh yeah, no that is. I was going to say I don't get how he sparked off the fire if there's already gas coming. But he does. He turns it on. He turns on the fire before it and then he farts and then it blows him up. And then... I can't remember what happens to the tubber. Can you slip on something?
01:35:29
Speaker
No, he gets, it's the trap that Boon was going to set off before the topic guy. Oh, it's the aerials. Did they knock the aerial off the house? No, no, the aerials. Surprisingly enough, the aerials, the fireplace trap,
01:35:46
Speaker
Oh, is that for the fireplace? No, the other one was, I think it's connected to the garage door, which drives him outside. When he gets ripped off, doesn't it? He's just getting dragged, I forgot about that one. Oh, he just gets dragged throughout the house and it's like, what the fuck?
01:36:02
Speaker
the leader as well like the scenes where the tubby robber tubby robber corners columbus at one bit and he's trying to grab him and it's just like it's just the most ineffective grabbing ever and the same thing happens when the leader tries to go his mano doggo as he says against bone and tries to grab him bone then evades him and runs behind this treadmill yeah somehow gets all this cutlery like clearly it's in the parent's bedroom so clearly the parents keep cutlery in their bedroom
01:36:29
Speaker
Well, I mean, who doesn't? Seeing this day and age, who doesn't keep cutlery? Yeah, it's true. A middle-class staple is to keep silverware in your bag. Yeah, you know what? Some people keep their clothes in, some people keep books, you know. I keep a nice, you know, china set, like, just in the corner. You know, just in case. I keep a full carving set, just in case.
01:36:45
Speaker
They don't call you Adam the Carver they master. Ironically not for my ability to carve or anything just that I have a carve reset in my bedroom. Keeping up appearances. I was just going to say keeping up appearances.
01:37:01
Speaker
So Bone, Bone puts the treadmill on and starts firing this, again, another lethal trap, starts firing this cotlery at the guy who's like, whoa, that's a bit extreme. I'm like, yes, that is a bit extreme. Because he's going to get stabbed. So the guy doesn't move out of the way. Clearly the easy thing to do is just to sidestep and just move out of the way the treadmill, because it can only go, it can only go like a small direction. One way, yeah. He just
Absurdity and Humor in Bone Alone
01:37:22
Speaker
keeps standing there as the cotlery gets fired at him until eventually Bone like puts a, I can't remember what the hell it is, but he fires something into his mouth, which
01:37:30
Speaker
Makes his tongues pull up. So the next time he talks... No, it's like the blowtorch thing, isn't it? Oh, it's the blowtorch, yeah, right into his mouth. So the guy can't talk. So that's the gag for the rest of it. The guy's just like... Because he can't talk properly.
01:37:42
Speaker
And yeah, so then they capture the leader and the tubby guy and they're like, job well done. But then the skinny robber, who's clearly by this point, just like psychologically broken as I would be, comes up to murder the dogs of the frying pan. Diesel then jumps in and I was like, here we go, he's going to get the jugular ripped out. But all Diesel does is just push him in the back and he falls and hits his head on the ground and gets knocked out.
01:38:04
Speaker
you know, terribly icy climatic ending. The family arrive home and they've realised on the way home that literally the dogs are the most important thing in their lives and they should all stop being just the worst family ever, but continue to be the worst family ever. Yeah, exactly. At the same time. When the kid just turned round and was like, I want my grandparents and it's like, you should have said that before, you cheeky shite.
01:38:25
Speaker
so they get home and like the police show up and they arrest the robbers and then we get to the ending which i have to talk about because the ending makes no sense whatsoever so they get yeah so the couple right okay the couple who had diesel they realize they've lost diesel so they go back to the house to see if they can find him and then like so this is exactly before this the kid is wait a minute are they at the
01:38:49
Speaker
they always also they're sitting at the table and the dad is the dad is carving this roast turkey yeah however if you so you can see close-up shots of the turkey getting cut which is clearly taken from some food at but like when you when there's a wide shot of the table there is clearly no turkey there and the guy is just carving thin air which is no way wait really yeah go back and again go back and watch don't he's carving thin air so then the kid's like oh it's just not the same without grandma and grandpa
01:39:20
Speaker
But then I'm in the doorbell rings and it's the couple who've come back to look for Diesel. And guess what? That's their grandma and grandpa! And they've shown off!
01:39:30
Speaker
This makes no sense because, first of all, why don't the grandma and grandpa know the address of their family? Don't they recognize Columbus as their family's dog? Didn't the family, when they were chasing the car, recognize that it was the grandma and grandpa's car?
01:39:54
Speaker
And finally, why are the Grandma and Grandpa not home waiting for the family to arrive, which is where they're driving to? Why are they in the middle of nowhere? They then decide to go do this deed and any moment, for all they know, the family's going to show up and arrive at the house. But no, oh, I just went mental. This makes no sense at all. Now, to play devil's advocate on the ending, nah, I'm just kidding.
01:40:20
Speaker
No, I was just going to say, it's like, I kept thinking about this as well because I'm like, well, on the one hand, maybe it's because, because that's the whole plot that they've moved into a new house. But see, right, OK, here's the thing, and this is when anyone out there, you know, could have like relatives that you want over. Let's face it, see if you move into a new house, you have time to fully furnish it, time to put up a Christmas tree that can be seen from space. Let's face it.
01:40:44
Speaker
Yeah, you can buy another dog, you can like get your car and everything then. Yeah, like why would you do all of that and then not tell your immediate family where you are? Yeah, I do not understand. Like, that is. Because even the grandparents turn around at the end, they turn around and go, oh this is your new house. It's like, you lazy fuckers. This is why. You were in Michigan weren't you? You were in Michigan. You were in Michigan with Hunter weren't you?
01:41:14
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. They were going on a road trip. They were going on their own, like, their bone alone adventure. Yeah, and exactly. Like, that's when they got sidetracked and they had to be dragged into the plot. Because it's like, why? Where are they going? Do they ever explain?
01:41:31
Speaker
No, they were just out driving, apparently, and just decided to go on this massive detour. Yeah, because that's what they say. It's like, oh, it's going to be a detour. You know, that's the thing, though. It's like, why didn't they phone? Why doesn't the data?
01:41:45
Speaker
The Dad has a mobile phone. The Dad actually has a mobile phone because it gets called by AAA. Yeah, so why in the hell did they not phone and say we're just going for a drive, we'll be out? I don't think there's any. And you know what? I do not care about the law of bone alone. I do not care about the rich, intensive law of bone alone. But surely, surely it would be common decency to send a text, to send a message. This isn't like the 80s or 90s, okay?
01:42:15
Speaker
You cannot, not even the early 2000s, you cannot pull this shit to say, oh, maybe it's the technology. No, this is 2013, okay? This isn't the Dark Ages where they're fucking blowing smoke signals. And maybe that's how they wrote the script for this film, where it's just they threw blue smoke signals, yeah. And they just thought, that'll be a good script. Done, we're done. We're done.
01:42:37
Speaker
Oh, I lost my shit at this end. It's not even worth it because it's not worth getting annoyed at the end. For some reason, I just lost my shit at the end. So stupid. It makes no sense. And it's just like, here's a happy family Christmas where this little shit entitled kid gets everything that he wants but doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve it. It's like Tiny Tim had to die for good things to happen. Exactly. What did this shit have to do with what? His phone died? Oh, I think it's a happy Christmas.
01:43:07
Speaker
No, screw you. How do you even know what his name is? Do you? I know, I have no fucking idea. Little shit, that's what I'm calling him. So that's the plot of the film. I feel like I've done a fever dream of recounting. Apologies if you couldn't follow along, because I could barely follow along to my mad ramblings.
01:43:24
Speaker
But what I'll say, because I know I've gone for a long time, so I'll wrap up saying a couple of things in this film. The pacing is horrible. So just compare this to Home Alone, because it's meant to be a parody to Home Alone. Home Alone really does great character development and build up. And it's not until the last half an hour, maybe even less, that the actual robbery takes place. Because that's the build up.
01:43:48
Speaker
The robbers in this film, in Bone Alone, they start robbing the house when there's like over an hour left in the film. There's one point where we got to about like where Quentin showed up, and I thought this must be near the end, but it turned out we weren't even at the halfway point. So they're in the house for an hour, which just kills the pacing. Some of the scenes are so unnecessarily long, like the whole bit with AAA goes on for so long and is so unnecessary.
01:44:12
Speaker
So the scene with the kid, worst Christmas ever, you get to cut all that out. There's a long soliloquy bit where the dad's trying to fix the tire after Diesel nearly murders them. He's trying to fix the tire. He's speaking to his son about the importance of like, you know, respecting your family and your Christmas. And then for some reason the spare tire rolls away at 100 miles an hour. More great CGI. And he runs away with like a PS1 character. He literally does. He's like, why are you tired? He's like, what?
01:44:43
Speaker
There's another scene where like when they start robbing the house initially like bone has like heated up this candlestick so it's like really hot and like the tubby robber picked so it's in the parents bedroom the tubby robber picks it up and obviously it's so hot it's like we kind of it's like the home alone scenery touches the front door knob
01:44:59
Speaker
Yeah, they picked it up and he said, oh, they froze it. So he's in the parent's bedroom. This is a magic homing candlestick flies out of the parent's bedroom, round a corner downstairs to land directly in the leader, like the chief robber's hands, who then throws it into the face of the skinny guy. I was like, how did that happen? That's physics defying.
01:45:19
Speaker
Yeah. I've talked about the traps at length, like just the way they range is just bizarre. Like why they make, why they try to become jaws halfway through. Like I don't understand, like they give Quentin like the almost the exact same like word for word, except they've changed out sharks with poodles.
01:45:35
Speaker
speech that Quint does when he talks about being in the water with like when his ship is sunk and he's like the sharks are like like taking everybody out they do a scene with Quentin where it's poodles in the water and it's just excruciating goes on for so long and then I think my biggest gripe the ending makes no sense I said my biggest gripe is the character of bone okay so why why why on earth does bone have any loyalty to this family
01:45:59
Speaker
Why does he feel the need to go and protect the home? This family blame him for everything when it's clearly not his fault. They are just a horrible group of people who are just so, just so ironically stupid. And for some reason, Bone feels a loyalty to them. I do not understand.
01:46:14
Speaker
Well, to be fair, the same thing happened to Kay from Macalester. Well, do you know what? Fair point. But at least, right, okay, at least the mum, at least the mum was there. I'm going back to find out when the family discovered a bone has left, they don't go to look for a bone. They just drive home. Like they're not even looking for him. I mean, then what was like as well, right? Okay, the front cover for this film. So say the front cover on the DVD and what was clearly the film poster.
01:46:43
Speaker
as Columbus doing the kind of Kevin Macalester, Home Alone pose like the scream, which is quite funny. You're like, ha, ha, ha. Columbus is not the main character of this film. Columbus is a secondary character. Boon is the main protagonist of this. There's no marketing for Boon. It's all Columbus. Why?
01:47:01
Speaker
Yeah, maybe a bit. The only thing I can think of is maybe it's because he was the cuter of the two dogs, but even then, like I don't know maybe it's because it's easier because his face is like flatter, but that's the thing. Why not make that dog bone? Yeah!
01:47:19
Speaker
It's actually funnier, it's actually a better parallel to Home Alone to have the younger dog. Yeah, exactly. He's a bone! I guess maybe we're more easy to train bone to do, like, some of the odd... It just makes me... That's the thing though, why even have two dogs? Why not just have the one dog that's a bit rowdy or it's a puppy that's... Why have two dogs? Is there not a famous quote about that where, like, an actor said there's two people you don't work with, children and dogs? Children and animals, yeah. Oh, sorry, children and animals, rather.
01:47:46
Speaker
Yeah, so it's like, you've got three dogs already. That's just asking for trouble. Yeah. But it's like, you don't need the three dogs. You just need the one dog doing the face, you know, outwitting them. And it's been done before. So why aren't they doing that instead? I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like, imagine if for the Home Alone like poster, rather than having Kevin McCallis's face on the front, they'd had cousin Fuller, bed wetting cousin Fuller on the front doing it. That's like the equivalent of this.
01:48:14
Speaker
I remember sending you a message after you watched the album and they said did you like the poster? You just went into a tirade.
What Makes Bad Films Entertaining?
01:48:23
Speaker
That's as awful. I feel my blood pressure spiked. I better wrap up quickly before I have a
01:48:30
Speaker
seismic explosion here. I will say like there are a couple of bright spots in this film. The Tubby Roberts character I actually really, I really liked. I think for a start it's quite funny and then as well like the actual actor playing him is perfect for this film because I think he knows exactly how to play it in the way that the other actors just don't know, don't seem, either don't realize it's a bad film or know it's a bad film but don't know how to act in a bad film. The Tubby Roberts kind of gets it. The train set scene
01:48:59
Speaker
it's just incredible and like my partner had a great line for it when when we saw she after we watched it she was like that's something that i didn't realize that i needed in my life and that is totally true when we watched the guy freaking explode like it's so fun i don't know if it's a clip of it online but it was just
01:49:18
Speaker
You know, so those things were bright spots. You know what, I suppose, you know, there's some other laughs to be had, but... Oh, no, absolutely. I think it raged in my voice as well. I know it's a bad film, but I didn't expect you to be that mad about it. Like, I don't get me wrong, I know I've just like spent the last couple of minutes there just ranting and kind of saying that kids will be shitting everything, but yeah, I honestly didn't expect you to like come back and be like, I hated this film.
01:49:47
Speaker
Do you know what? I think the thing is, I don't think I hate it in fairness. I think I've ranted because I've worked myself up. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen. And you know what? There is some fun to be had. It's probably fun to watch with somebody else, but there's always going to be a reason in my mind. Do you know what it is? I think I have a particular thing for this. It's when films imitate good films.
01:50:07
Speaker
OK, so yeah, OK. It's a bad film and in some ways it's like it came after Halloween. So in some ways it's imitating Halloween. Yeah. But like I don't think there's any from what I recall any direct like rip scene ripoffs, like apart from the general concept, you could say is maybe kind of similar. Yeah. So and again, that does cheap in a little bit because it's nowhere near as good as Halloween. This is a direct copy of Home Alone.
01:50:32
Speaker
It not only has the goal to try and imitate one of the best Christmas films of all time, it then has the goal to imitate one of the best films of all time in choice. And it's almost like parts of it are nearly scene for scene, word for word. What are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself?
01:50:50
Speaker
I think I have a particular annoyance for when films do this. When bad films imitate good films badly, that really sets me off. Anyway, sorry. What are your thoughts? No, it's just I'm kind of thinking, just in the back of what you said about films, that they ride off the back of more popular films to sell more. I think one of the worst ones, I haven't seen the film and I refuse to watch it.
01:51:17
Speaker
Because as we said, we were talking about Jingle All The Way last week and how it's like one of our favourite films. And apparently there's a sequel to it, Jingle All The Way 2. Yeah, but it's got nothing to do with the first one. It's not like, it's obviously not, or no, Dizzling's not having to come back to do anything. It's not, you know, it is nothing like that. Yeah, it's just some, I don't know if it's like a famous, like,
01:51:42
Speaker
American or I'm using famous really loosely but like well-known American comedian maybe I think it might be I think it might be have some wrestlers in it because I think it's like I think it's them I think it probably includes like some kind of maybe not yeah
01:52:01
Speaker
But it's the same idea, it's like, it's a film that takes the name of something well-beloved and it's like, oh, it's, see, that's the thing I don't get because I really, like, everyone keeps calling it Bone Alone and I don't know whether that was the intention or not because I've seen some places call it Bone Alone, other places call it Alone for Christmas and I don't know which is, like, say if you type this into YouTube, Bone Alone, you will find it but it'll be titled as Alone for Christmas so people know and people describe this as
01:52:30
Speaker
So it's like, is that the official name? Is it like a fan name? I'm going to say when you first told me the title, I had a very different film in mind. You mentioned that title. My mouth fell a gap in shock and horror as I heard this title. And then when you explained the concept, I was like, oh, thank goodness. And then we got to the Londar scene and I was like, oh,
01:52:53
Speaker
I feel as if I was the opposite for your problem. Like I didn't expect any of this stuff to happen and then when I watched Silent Night did all night I was just like oh my god I was like I was like a Victorian in heat I was just like oh my lord is that a nipple oh no oh my golly gosh yeah and a happy new year
01:53:16
Speaker
but it sounds like something that, you know how you get films that are a labour of love or it's somebody's vision. I refuse to believe this is anybody's vision.
01:53:31
Speaker
Yeah, not even that. How can I just have these dogs attack these three random dumbasses? You know when you get those mix ups where you get people who, they'll take a family friendly thing and they'll remix it into a horror film?
01:53:47
Speaker
I think someone did one for Mary Poppins, where it's the trailer, but they've remixed it into a horror film rather than a real one. Really well done stuff, but I feel as if if he did this for Bon alone. Honestly, you would not notice a difference.
01:54:03
Speaker
Honestly, my jaw dropped as well. See when I saw that scene where he locks this poor guy. Don't get me wrong, he's robbing the house obviously and everything, but he didn't deserve to die slowly as the water rises. You can see he's really panicked, slamming the door.
01:54:29
Speaker
I don't know. Maybe he's a plumber on the side, I don't know.
01:54:40
Speaker
Oh, I don't get it. As you said, it's like part SAW, part Channel 5 film, or to the Americans. I deserve it to Channel 5, I think. It really is. Sorry, to the Americans, what's the thing? It's your equivalent of a Hallmark film. I'm just going to point that out. But yeah, it's that very cheesy, oh, what's going to happen? And then when it gets resolved, it's all happy and sundry. Yeah, all saccharine and sweet and stuff.
01:55:09
Speaker
You're the worst film family I think I've ever seen.
01:55:13
Speaker
it's it's not good you know what there's some fun to be had so maybe everybody should watch this yeah watch it watch it with somebody you know i'm gonna give you like in fact sorry before i go on do you have i was gonna say do you have any fun like trivia about this i don't i don't actually have i don't actually have it i tried to look something but i couldn't really i know it's done by that um done by that company the asylum who oh yeah i never quite sure if they intentionally make bad films or they just make
01:55:40
Speaker
bad films they also made that I think I think I showed you that one Titanic 2 but that one was that them yeah yeah I think that's them as well so like again they make these kind of films which again are maybe meant to be I'm wary of saying they're meant to be intentionally bad because I think that's somebody who makes a bad thing and be like it was meant to be bad in which case you're like well I have even less respect for you
01:56:02
Speaker
Yeah, I mean we should really have a chance in army just on what makes like a good bad film. That would be a topic, I guess. Yeah, it just feels as if, yeah, just because something's bad intentionally doesn't mean that you can't get away with it being like actively shit, I suppose is the right word. It is, it's not a great film by any means. I'm gonna liken that. Because I don't know if I told you like how I came across this film.
01:56:27
Speaker
Oh yeah, actually I'm interested to hear how you feel. Yeah, so it was a lonely and dark night at university and yeah, like one of my old flatmates and I were, so we were basically talking and we're getting to know one another and he was saying, you know, oh why don't we try and find the worst films in IMDB? So we were looking through, and I think at this time it was Christmas, so we were just, yeah, it was like coming up to Christmas I'm sure, because we watched Santa with muscles as well and
01:56:56
Speaker
Yeah, and that's a great film. That is a great, bad film. It's like one of these Hulk Hogan, just cheesy action films. It is great. But yeah, we watched like a load of like bad films that were kind of put on. There was loads, like I'll have to tell you about some of them off stream because they're just some of them. It's just like, why is this a thing? And of course, we wanted to see the worst rated IMDB film.
01:57:20
Speaker
least I think it was either IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes or something, but it was initially we wanted to watch a film called Kirk Cameron's Christmas. I think it's pretty much like a religious piece where a guy basically monologues the entire film about the importance of Jesus and Christmas and all of that and it was universally panned like every
01:57:44
Speaker
like it's a very like easy target for people just to say yeah this is a terrible film don't you should speak to them you should speak to the nuns from Silent Night Deadly Night yeah exactly they'll just beat you with a belt and say Santa's not real they need some they need some religious education exactly they need some Jesus oh my god
01:58:04
Speaker
but yeah it's like yeah so that was the film we were gonna watch but we couldn't find it anywhere like there was nowhere that either sold it or we could download it or anything or find it on youtube we couldn't find it anywhere so we're like fine we'll try going alone because i was like the next one up i think and we were just laughing so much seeing the picture like how dumb it just is
01:58:27
Speaker
Yeah it is, I love it, that's the only thing that's good going for it but it was just so dumb where we're just like, yeah let's give this a go so that's when we watched it and yeah it was an experience. It is a film I've only seen once I love it, I've only seen it once until obviously today when I rewatched it for this but yeah it is not, it's not a good film I must say, it is. Do you know what it is though? I think I've, I think I've, I might have said this before as well but it just came to life now.
01:58:55
Speaker
I think there is a difference, you have a different experience watching a bad film to one where you have to watch it and then discuss it and like review it because I reckon that if I had just sat down and watched this film
01:59:09
Speaker
Maybe I'll just watch the film and I wasn't going to have to talk about it and recap it and give a synopsis of the plot and everything. I probably would have actually been like, I still have the problem with it, but I probably would have had a lot of fun. But it's when you have to sit down and write about it and then try and recap it. I think that's what's got me more infuriated than anything is just having to recap it and you're like,
01:59:26
Speaker
this is stupid it makes no sense and why am i having to explain this so i think like that's part of the thing i think i can totally see just like sitting down and watching this with like somebody and like just laughing at it and like you know every time and then you can just forget about it and you don't have to you can go about your life you don't have to come on a podcast and talk about it because i mean i'm sorry this is my karma yeah we are even
01:59:54
Speaker
But yeah it is, it's like that kind of fine line of like, I mean that's what we're saying like there is a fine line between like what makes a bad movie good and like see if you watch it with friends because as we said Craig from beer and chill podcast he or him and both of us and a couple other friends watched a lot of bad movies together and yeah it was really like a really like
02:00:18
Speaker
bottom of the barrel stuff wasn't it it wasn't like it wasn't anything like highbrow or anything it was below the barrel at points it really was some of them were great and again like we'll come to that like in a separate chat because we might as well it's
02:00:34
Speaker
yeah it's like you get some great experiences like that but if you have to like revisit like one that just makes no sense it's just rubbish and you get that chance like now to kind of vent and like talk about the plot like the more you start to see the plot holes and everything and it's just like it's slowly kind of parting and you think you do what I do and you sound like some kind of pissed off angry fanboy
02:00:57
Speaker
Doesn't like sending out with a cannon! In the lore! Well, to be fair though, to be fair. In fact, no, not to be fair, because it's Bone Alone, fuck it. I was going to say to be fair, but at least like Home Alone 3. And this is weird because I have watched like, I used to watch Home Alone 3 like a lot because I had it on VHS like back in the day, showing my age. And honestly, it was, it's a terrible film. Don't get me wrong, it's a terrible, terrible film.
02:01:24
Speaker
But it was more coherent than this. And can I just remind you, the plot of Home Alone 3 was a group of international terrorists want to get the chip for a nuclear missile to set it off somewhere. And a plucky child from an American suburb has to stop them. And that makes more sense than Bone Alone. I love sequels where they feel like they have to ramp up the plot to extreme levels.
02:01:50
Speaker
Yeah, well, what were the stakes in Boda Woman? They stole their shit. And that was... Yeah. Oh, that actually reminds me, sorry. Yeah, you were going to say, yeah. I reckon it's going to cost this family more to repair their house than it would have to replace the goods that were probably all insured. The robbers would have stolen. They have to refix their antenna, their satellite dish. The shower is absolutely fucked. Like, all the water damage inside the house now.
02:02:19
Speaker
You can't barbecue again because some guy's face is grilled on his skin. His skin will be off. The chimney is absolutely screwed as well, as is the fire. The whole place probably stinks with farts now as well, so you're going to have to deal with that. You can't put any laundry down the laundry sheet because there's like blood and shit down there for that.
02:02:46
Speaker
The wooden boards... The wooden boards leading down the doors are broken, you have to fix that. It's fine. No, it's fine. No, actually, I was going to say, there's not... It's doll's piss, so it's probably not actually yours. There's so much stuff around the house that it's absolutely trash. The garage door has been ripped off.
02:03:10
Speaker
Why, by the Fat Carro Singer? Yeah! So, like, the amount of money that's gonna have to be put by this... I mean, in fact, this family deserves it. I'm not sorry, I told them, I'm glad their house got destroyed. They deserve it. But, yeah. And a Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year, Dean. No. You're completely right. See, like, my closing thoughts for the album. I think that the reason they've got so much money is as a money laundering scheme from Hunter in Michigan.
02:03:39
Speaker
And I think that that's how they can afford all this shit and they're able to get a contractor in a couple of days before Christmas. Because I mean, who else has got connections at Christmas to be like, yeah, so my dog threw all my cutlery into the wall with a treadmill and burnt a man alive twice?
02:04:00
Speaker
Yeah, one more thing before we kind of wrap up, but I feel as if the violence is very disproportionate. Obviously, not towards the dogs, like I don't wish any harm on the dogs or anything, but it's more to do with the guys that are getting hurt. The lanky guy gets it the worst.
02:04:19
Speaker
I don't even know. He gets branded in the face with the barbecue. He gets lit alive. It's like that film. It's like, do you remember that film where the Jesuit priests go over to Japan and they all get like set in fire and everything?
02:04:35
Speaker
Like, it's like that level of, oh my god, this person is getting set and fat, like, that kind of thing that you would expect, like, these Oscar-baiting films to, like, brainstorm, but not bone a load.
02:04:50
Speaker
When they try to drown, it was when they drowned the guy, which again in itself is just fucking horrifying because they'll walk him in and you have to watch slowly as the water's rising. See, if you put dramatic music over that, that would just be a completely different scene. It would just be this poor guy wanting to go Christmas caroling and he's just singing like a bubbled version of Silent Night Holy Night as the water comes up.
02:05:14
Speaker
I wanted to, that's something that probably could have been transposed into Silent Night Deadly Night, to be honest. I was also half expecting Bone to appear and be like, hey, you want to play a game? Yeah, exactly. Like, as much as I'm kind of joking around saying, you know, Silent Night Deadly Night is loosely related, I mean, half of the traps, as you say, could be included in this. Yeah. Like, it's a lethal shit in there.
02:05:38
Speaker
I mean, you might as well have given Bowen an axe and just have done with it. Just chop that leg. Am I in well? Yeah. Why is all of Rip their jugulars out? It honestly would have been less painful for this guinea guy. Yeah, I mean, he gets like branded set in five. He got done dirty in this film. He really did. Because I think genuinely it's because he's the...
02:05:56
Speaker
lanky stereotype you know like sorry let me translate he's like just the very you know yes it's like the tall like high pitched kind of like lackey that just runs around screaming and he is the one he's like the marv of this one he's the marv of this and he is he's just he gets like
02:06:16
Speaker
beating up, he gets, you know, set in fire, branded. It might as well have had a nail through him. That doesn't happen, but he might as well have. He might as well have. He got one up his ass, certainly. Yeah. The person nailed up his ass. Fucking launder. Exactly. And that was like five minutes before he gets branded by the barbeque.
02:06:38
Speaker
This poor guy, like he just, I know he's a robber, but bloody hell, like. Yeah. So, so yeah. How would you rate this film? I'll give it, what will I give it? I'll go out of 10 and I think I'll give it, do you know what? I'll be generous. I'm going to give it three lone darts up the ass out of 10.
02:06:58
Speaker
You know what, that is a fair score. It's a film to watch it with somebody else and you will have fun. Just don't subsequently review it and go back to it. I'm loosely saying critically study. You're not like I critically studied this film, but like, you know, don't review it right about it because it probably will infuriate you. But watching it like watching it once or maybe like, you know, once every so often having a laugh, it's it's good for that. Yeah, absolutely.
02:07:23
Speaker
I'll be I'll be nice. I'm feeling nicer now. I've got the bile out of me. Yeah. I mean, well, this is a this is a Christmas spirit like channeling through you right now, isn't it? It is peace and goodwill to all men.
02:07:36
Speaker
Except for bone. Except for... No, except for that family. That family can... The family deserves to be burned in the chimney. Jesus. And on that festive note, if you've
Conclusion: Friendship and Bad Films
02:07:50
Speaker
enjoyed us talking about our... I was going to say our favourite bad Christmas films, but I don't think any of these are our favourite bad Christmas films by any should. I feel like they have, but they've become inseparably tied to us now forever. We'll never escape their shadow.
02:08:05
Speaker
Yeah, definitely.
02:08:08
Speaker
So yeah, if you want to recommend or tell us about your own experiences with bad Christmas films, then feel free to email us at chatsanami at gmail.com. And yeah, we would love to let you read about your experiences with these bad films. That'd be good to hear. Yeah, it would be. It would take the age off. It would definitely take the age off. We can share the misery and we can share it around. We really can. We can divide it out.
02:08:38
Speaker
You're very festive ending. I'm just thinking the end of a Christmas carol where it's like, my dear boy, what day is it today? And no one has said why it's bone alone day. So yeah, never again. Then there's still time. There's still time. Quickly, boy. So yeah, thank you all so, so much for listening to our, I want to say Christmas trial. Trial seems an appropriate word. Did you say an appropriate word?
02:09:07
Speaker
No, unapproved. Unappropriate. Yeah, that's right. I thought you said inappropriate and I was like, you weren't there man, you haven't seen both. It's been non-flashbacks. On behalf of Chat Tsunami, I hope that you have a very Merry Christmas and certainly a Happy New Year. I just want to second that and just say
02:09:28
Speaker
Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year. And yeah, thank you for listening. Thank you. Well, thank you in quotation marks, Satsunami, for having me back to watch these. And like, no, in all seriousness, it's a lot of fun. You know what, I feel much better. I do feel like I will sleep really well. I feel like I've had a cleanse, you know, end of the year cleanse from watching this. So I thank you for that. We will remain friends, I've decided.
02:09:53
Speaker
For now, yeah. A friend with grudges. That is... I feel as if that's a joke. If you think we do this again, I swear. So if you want to see us watch more bad films and review them, you can send them to Chatsanami at gmail.com.
02:10:08
Speaker
But yeah, if you want to see more content like that, seriously, feel free. I'm probably going to regret that, but you know what? That is for future Fraser and Adam to worry about. That is not our problem right now. Indeed. That is true. So yeah, if you want to see more of my content, you can catch me on Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Twitch, and of course, TikTok. Still don't know what a TikTok is. That's at tsunami42. And I usually update there regularly.
02:10:36
Speaker
So yeah, as always, stay safe, stay festive and most importantly have a hydrated and Happy Christmas and New Year!