Transcript
Speaker: There's no standard intro to the show, so I'm not going to say anything in particular, just so you know. Are you looking for pitches on it? No, you can tell me and Derek, you can do earmuffs, but um here's I would just say like I would maybe start the show by saying welcome to the show.
Speaker: Yeah. We've got that note a few times, especially internally. I feel like all three of us have expressed that the show should begin with some kind of welcome. Some, some of us have objected to this sort of natural candid in media res. Well, I think this can work though, but I i almost, and and I haven't heard it. So forgive me if this has been covered, is there like a, ah you do do you do like a serial thing where it's like a rising music bed that meets you in media res and you just sort of like, so know it's almost like we've dropped in on the conversation as it's happening.
Speaker: That's a recent addition. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. Okay. Well, so we've undercut that basically by acknowledging it. So maybe we should just pick up like in the middle of a conversation and then in the, in the booth, whoever's doing this in post, you can just kind of say, do I want to leave the meta stuff in or do I just want to capture the essence of the conversation? So like, I don't know, Derek, you're, it seems like you're sort of running this thing. Why don't you just pick like a conversation topic and we'll just start like we're in the middle of it.
Speaker: And, uh, yeah, I mean, and and that's, that's ah why I only shit once a week. Um, that's why you sit once a week. I asked how, I asked how you were able to, of course, everyone, everyone has a good why for not spending that much time on the toilet. Uh, just yeah. Pure force of will, I guess.
Speaker: Right. there's There's a device. If that's what you mean, there's like no mechanical aspect to it. I took a half an Adderall today and I've, I've taken six shits in probably 30 minutes. And, um, sometimes I feel like I'm taking the the same shit over the course of a week. I feel like, uh, I'm like, it's like, uh, my parents have told me that there's, you know, a final essay due at the end of the week and I'm supposed to write a paragraph every day. That's how my bowel movements have been feeling. You're doing like a shits of Theseus type of thing where you don't know where one ends and the next one begins. Yeah, exactly. And I mean, the I mean, once it gets to the sewer, obviously it it forms a full piece. It kind of rejoins the the shit stream that we're all kind of like connected to. Right. i I was having this conversation recently with a trusted friend and colleague and we sort of arrived at the inescapable conclusion that the food that you're eating is also part of the shit.
Speaker: there's really no distinction between the food when it goes in your mouth and the shit when it comes out of your ass it's the same basic materials it's it's undergone a chemical change of course but you know like i guess like uh like metaphysically speaking what's the difference between food and shit yeah i stink is like probably the closest thing i have to a true distinction between these two things like that might even be the etymology of the word distinction is like trying to separate food from shit. Oh, that's, that's a good point. Probably developed that olfactory system because those two things were so similar in every other sense. Right. Well, what about, um, I mean, you know, some food is plants and some food is animals. And so you're saying food is shit. So you're saying like plants and animals are shit too. And I mean, we're, we're an animal. We know this now yeah evolution, all that. So you're kind of saying I am shit.
Speaker: human human beings are shit. Well, they're meat. ah they're and And I guess like a ah ah carnivores bowel movement does smell worse. And of course, I'm using worse to invoking common parlance. Obviously, these things are net neutral. There's no such thing as a bad smelling shit or a good smelling shit.
Speaker: But there's kind of like green shit and runny shit. And we can, I mean, we can at least draw the line there. That's true. Sandy shit. I don't like when people, I think farts are funny. I think farts are as funny as the next guy. I don't like when people talk about the food that resulted in the fart. I think. Oh yeah.
Speaker: that's ah we can We can have a fun time talking about how like, oh, dad's farts smell worse than mom's, but we shouldn't ever be invoking their diets. I think that that kind of ruins all of the splendid exuberance of a fart. Well, it's like the show that was popular on Fox for a while. Did you ever see the, um was it the masked magician? Was that the name of the show? um Yeah, true true magic tricks revealed or something. Yeah, I think they had a number of sort of media properties with the same concept, which is You know, this masked man, this villain, really pulling back the curtains up figuratively and literally on what we as the audience had grown to appreciate as, you know, as you suggested, sort of this wondrous effect and also the way it makes us feel as well. And then revealing it to us and sort of saying, you know, you thought that was magic. You thought it was amazing. In reality, it was shit. Exactly. You're calling, you're calling a fart a wondrous effect.
Speaker: Well, as long as you're not going to unmask it and send all the scientists tinkering with the molecules, and mean leave it alone. Because that spoils if you're like, you know, actually, that was that was beans. It's kind of like, dude, I don't like that. I was enjoying that. It's like taking the rocky face of this mountain range in North Dakota and carving ah founding fathers into it. Just leave it alone. It's already perfect. wouldn't Wouldn't that be the other way around? Wouldn't it be like saying, you know, those giant heads up there, they're actually just a mountain.
Speaker: ah Apparently, yeah, I guess they are ah chemically identical ah to what the indigenous people probably looked at with awe. You're never going to believe what this TV show is actually called. It's called breaking the magician's code colon magic's biggest secrets finally revealed. That's a long one. That's pretty long. It's kind of like those old books from the 1400s that are like, you know, a treatise on the nature of being or whatever. And then there's like a full paragraph and it's all the title.
Speaker: Yeah, they're kind of, I mean, look, to to use a term of art, they're sort of sniffing their own farts on the title of the magic show a little bit, maybe. I don't know how authors even start writing the first chapter of their book. I would get stuck on the title. And I guess that is like why you need to develop chapters. Just like, all right, I write, I wrote one title. Let's write ah an alternate title.
Speaker: I truly don't know how else you would even start. Yeah, i it boggles the mind. Well, it makes more sense. I mean, this is what's so funny to me. People think it makes more sense to write the entire book and then go back and make the table of contents. Well, how would you know what's supposed to be in it? yeah Stupid.
Speaker: Well, welcome to the podcast, Jesse. And welcome to the podcast, dear listeners. We are at the are we at number 10, Derek? Is this the no well, it won't be the 10th. Don't even worry about that. I just want to celebrate. There's all there's so many so early in the in just the general timeline of the podcast to already be at the part where you go, like, when is this coming out? What episode number is this?
Speaker: It feels like something that, you know, sort of as an old head myself, I feel like I've been able to explore a little more just this year. And it's almost like you guys are jumping the gun on this. When we're in the single digit number of episodes, we're already doing the bit of like asking the producer like, when Hey, when does this does this come out before my big thing or after my big thing? Hell, I don't know. Get your plug. I mean, it's ah I mean, I hope I hope you get there at some point. I want i want that for you guys more than anything. Yeah, we have all this like unearned glib -ness about our process. Right. The glib -ness is unearned? I don't know. I feel like we don't use it. Don't you start with that and then like... Derek, you start with that. I feel like you walked out of the womb glib. I think the first 10 episodes are so supposed to be like on a technical level, unlistenable.
Speaker: ah Right. Well, that's we really have jumped the gun in many ways, because I think our first 10 episodes are going to be regarded as the Golden Age. It's all downhill from here. OK, so I'm going to cut all that and and then we'll start like this. Jesse Farrar live in the flesh. What does he think about dumb ass Reddit questions? And then we'll launch into it. There'll be a ah kind of a pew noise. A what pew?
Speaker: it You know I don't want to I don't want to have to do it I just I was trying to like say how it's how it would be spelled I wasn't anyone have to do the noise you just like invented a dictionary on a monopoeia by saying it with no passion I thought you guys would get it pew pew Can I ask a choogie question first to start it's from The Too Afraid to Ask subreddit. Too afraid to ask. I know this one. Yeah, I know this subreddit. And the question is, is MrBeast a bad guy?
Speaker: I feel like a 12 year old asking this, but is this dude a bad guy? I feel like I've seen, I've been seeing um expose videos about him constantly the last year or two, but everything goes quiet and people still collaborate with him. I don't get it. I thought he was being investigated for numerous charges for all sorts of stuff. Anyone who's more caught up in this kind of thing, please inform me. Sorry if this isn't the right place to ask this. I just feel like I'm missing something. um Wow.
Speaker: I think that question reveals so much about the asker that it's almost hard to even start thinking about answering the question because you're so immediately entangled in this person's life and it's like it says everything about their worldview that that they could even say is blank a bad guy like even phrasing it like that almost makes you go like man this guy has like a lot of growing up to do I guess for one Yeah. And the the fact that it's on Reddit also is like an unmissable context. Like you can't just ignore that. And then like the conflation of investigations with YouTube video essays and like not even being able to say like, oh, well, he's rich. So, yeah, he's probably not that good. Even if he is good, like you just not just not able to engage with like any critical thinking. But I mean, that's I guess that's why I'm they should have been too afraid to ask. I do agree with that part. They were afraid.
Speaker: you should but You should be afraid. Yeah, you were right. That was a good instinct. Everything else fell off a cliff. um It's a definitely a rhetorical question. ah The question is, like why do people who are embroiled in controversy not apologize and stop makings? that like right it's just another I guess it's that the question is, why does the why does the world keep taking away meaninglessly. Even though this YouTube essay got released, how could nothing change? How could this not shake the foundation of reality? How can five separate YouTubers all in agreement, not stem the tide of culture? Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. His name is Mr. Beast. Talk about the title of a book.
Speaker: he's He's allowing you to explore this contradiction between ah the gentlemanliness of Mr. and the utter bestialness of a beast. He's presenting as if he's a smiling human being, but obviously there's something dark happening. He traps one -year -olds in cages and makes them do battle against a 99 -year -old. I mean, this is insane.
Speaker: yeah for charity though. Right. Is that what it is? That's a big, that's a big part of it. Yeah. But I don't even, you Jesse, I feel like you fail to see it. I sometimes think he's only doing it for views.
Speaker: well that's Quite an accusation to level. Even the, even the charity aspect, I feel like it's similar to this whole thing with Starbucks, you know, it's like, I mean, you're right. No, Jesse is definitely like gaping for him a little bit. And as, as we look at Jesse, he's what, what was that you're drinking?
Speaker: I'm finishing off my stores of prime juice drink because I love the ice pop flavor and I found the remainders of a case in the back of my cabinet and thought, well, I can't be seen drinking this on the stream because it will read as an endorsement.
Speaker: of the politics of the heinous individuals behind the product. So instead, I'll probably relegate this to audio only podcasts and my own leisure time. However, of course, the rug has been pulled out from under me once again, just as brutally as it was when I invested in Hawk coin recently. so drinking that does it are prime beverages ah sugar free is that one of the ah they are let's see well let me get i don't i want to say something that's not true they have coconut water in them which i assume probably has some special sugar so yeah there's one gram of sugar in the whole drink if you can trust the paul family which of course i would with my life does do you find that drinking the beverage changes your vocal resonance or delivery in any meaningful way.
Speaker: You know, I haven't done the standard A -B testing maybe as much as I would like to. That probably gives me a good excuse to go back to Sam's Club and buy another case of it. ah So I'll probably do that after we get done here and I will report back. Awesome. And I think that'll be a nice little Patreon exclusive. Yeah. I saw some kind of nutritionist on YouTube talk about how you shouldn't ever drink Gatorade as like ah as your as like the drink you would have with dinner, you should only, or lunch. It's not a lunch beverage. It was basically his point. He said, uh, electrolytes are, are only for the, the sick, the sickly and the exhausted and that they can't be enjoyed by healthy people. What? Aren't electrolytes just like in everything? You just want something blue. I find when it comes to nutritional ah guys, nutritionists or people who have like life advice or um even like gurus of any stripe, I find that their advice, I don't object to it really inherently. I think that it does apply to almost everyone who's listening to it or reading it.
Speaker: Except for me. That's just, I don't know. That's how I typically approach is I i hear what you're saying about the light. I go like, yeah, that's probably right. These guys probably don't need to be drinking so much Gatorade, but of course I'm different. Um, I can enjoy the Gatorade pretty much whenever I please. Does that make sense?
Speaker: Yeah, I feel like that's part of the placebo effect. I feel like knowing what's wrong with it allows you to experience it consequence free. Yeah. Yeah. I thank him for that too. Is that the same thing as placebo is, you know, something in your mind can counteract it because you're just like, well, I just, I'll choose not to do that.
Speaker: That's the like endlessly recursive nature of the placebo effect is you can take something and say, well, I know that the placebo effect is certainly a thing and you can is that's how ah was it a homeopathy works, right? You just like drink water and you're like, and and I know there's like some one millionth of a percent of this used to be.
Speaker: uh, cancer fighting medication. So surely it will work against my cancer. I mean, that's a good idea. It it is like the, it's like the purest religious weaponization of the placebo effect is just turning water in a Christ like way, turning water into whatever liquid you like. And it brings, but and it brings back a sense of play. You know, as adults, we forget about play and it's nice to just pretend you're having medicine.
Speaker: Yeah, we lose that as we get older, don't we? It's true. And then adults also lose their yucky factor. Like, they're like, well, I can't, I can't exclaim yuck when I have medicine. I'm simply supposed to take my medicine. Yeah. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. But I mean, where's the sugar? yeah I got to get it myself. I got to get the spoon. You know, it's like, ah, Jesus, I'll just kill myself. You know? for Well, I'm trying to think of anything else that I can say about Mr. Beast.
Speaker: um Would you fuck him? Would I fuck Mr. Beast? Would you fuck Mr. Beast? If you fucked Mr. Beast, it would be in his giant warehouse that covers his entire hometown. There would be like 30 guys named you know Flippy standing around, solely facing, pointing cameras at you. it would probably You'd be suspended from a high beam or something. And then and then he would also fuck 99 other people, ages one through 99. So I mean, you you just have to What? You just be you'd be one cog in the machine is what I'm saying. Wouldn't be special at all. It's not special. I don't want to make any assumptions about the greater gay community, but it's not a heterosexual behavior to constantly be trapping 19 year old boys, is it?
Speaker: Like that's not something that a fully hetero guy is known him to do. I don't, you know, I consider myself heter heterosexual and I would, I would trap a 19 year old boy. I don't see what the you well would you trap 99 and make them compete for your affection, approval and money. I just don't have the resources for that. You know, I would do that. I just wouldn't have sex with them.
Speaker: It's hard to say what I what what would I do if I had Amazon Prime money? Well, I don't know. I'd probably trap a bunch of 19 year old boys, but I don't have it. So it's like, what's the point of even? i mean I'm just going to make myself sad. Yeah. I mean, do you want us to say, oh, actually, I would trap girls because that's fucked. I know that's fucked. I'm just saying that ah ah it was probably if there's no camera crew, I'm sure that plenty of rich people are trapping. In fact, I know. Right.
Speaker: that rich people have access to money and they have zero access to camera crews and and lavalier mics that that's what they're going to be doing there before the grace of god right i mean this is why we got into this game in the first place content um is just being like well where's this going to take us you know is it going to take us to the the place we want to go which is of course with all our little cages and traps or Yeah, are we back into the workforce again? I don't know. We'll just have to see. I just want to get invited Jesse for ours white party. Yeah, those are real. Those are huge. Those are those are big. This year was an interesting year for throwing big parties with um like tankards of lube everywhere, I'll say. um Yeah. But ah but, you know, we got through covid. I think we'll get through this, too. I just you just got to weather the storm, I guess.
Speaker: I guess I was just remarking on like, when you asked me if I would fuck Mr. Beast, I was like, I can't believe I've never even imagined what his sexual proclivities are. I haven't even imagined what his O face could look like. I feel like he only has an E face based on ah what I've seen him do with his lips and teeth.
Speaker: Yeah, the rictus grin forming like a pleasurable moan is sort of difficult to conceive of. Yeah, can someone even hope to give Mr. Beast an O face and contort that stoic E into a fully formed soy? I feel like ah he's not even known for soy -ing.
Speaker: No, he doesn't. He doesn't really soy. He kind of just it's a pained expression. Yeah. yeah His wings. Yeah. Mr. Beast's Mr. Beast's wins.
Speaker: It's the kind of thing where like, you know, if someone's soy is I mean, the worst thing you can say about them is that it probably takes like a deep bassy a resonance for them to shoot a rope. But with Mr. Beast, you can just see that it's probably just trickling out of him painfully whenever whenever he arrives there. Yeah, and I think it probably has the same sort of ah acidic properties of the xenomorph saliva as well.
Speaker: Yeah, you can kind of imagine Mr. B shooting a load through a couple of the holes of a Weyland -Yutani space freighter, right? I mean, there's no way it just there's no way it just dribbles out and like he wipes it up with a napkin. Like there's just that's just not I just don't see that happening. No, i I think you're right. Whatever Hype House he lives in, he has to be on the on the absolute lowest floor because otherwise, um yeah, there might be some sort of acidic Chinese water torture happening on the peacefully sleeping Hypebeasts.
Speaker: Yeah, did did you did you see did you guys see the latest Alien movie? Romulus. Yeah. I saw that shit. What do you think about that shit? I guess it's it sucks to admit, but I do like when I learn a new ah reproductive mechanic of the xenomorph, and I like to see the face hugger yeah pustules synchronizing with the lungs. Yeah. Everything else, though, I i can't say that I was... and turned on I like the big baby man monster. That was cool. It was a bit video gamey though to me. It was very video gamey. Absolutely a thousand percent what I was thinking the whole time. Yes. Yes. It felt like a cut scene that I didn't get to play. And so you just sort of felt like robbed of some aspect of the experience. This is what I am monitoring as I move forward through the world of content as I am want to do is is I am I don't I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I say like,
Speaker: Movies or films are being dumbed down because I don't know enough about that stuff anyways and also a little dumbing down never hurt nobody. ah So it's fine but it is interesting to see or to reflect back on the recent movies I've watched and I guess typically like this one it's I think overrepresented in terms of the movies that end up on streaming services first or we're destined for streaming services first or produced by the streaming services and then shunted off into theaters or wherever else where it's like My one takeaway is this felt like a video game where I was I was being handheld through what was happening and like the goal at the end of the movie. Was for me to have a complete understanding of all events and all character motivations and everything has to fit together like a perfect puzzle because they're like written and filmed and directed with the idea of like.
Speaker: If someone on a forum or a YouTube video says, that didn't make sense when she went through the thing, then we have wasted our $100 million budget. And it's like driving me fucking crazy watching movies. And in that way, they're making the perfect movies because they cannot be dismantled by a tape. Right. You have to have some kind of creative interpretation of the... And even now, when we're saying, oh, it's too much like a video game, to them, that's like saying, oh, it's too good. It's too round of a circle.
Speaker: you know It held together too well. I knew exactly what was happening at all times because the narrator was telling me what was happening all the time. And they're just like, oh, OK, cool. So you weren't confused. that That's great. Just every 10 minutes, it was like, there's this objective. We have to get across the room. However, there's a problem. However, you can use this tool to overcome overcome the problem. And then they do. it fuck It drove me up the wall. It was crazy. It's good to hear you explain that feeling as like video gaming because I've also noticed this trend in video games that video games are feeling more like a new species of entertainment that does not feel video gaming. I mean, it's interesting to even hear you say it was like a video game in that it held my hand all the way through, which used to be the antithesis of one of video games. Like people used to say the reverse things about movies and video games. I don't know. I can't even watch Netflix, anything on Netflix anymore because it feels
Speaker: I just get this uncanny fake feeling, even if it's a legit, like even the Irishman or whatever, like watching it feels like a fake movie. It feels like there's a TV screen inside of my TV screen that's showing me the film. And I don't know what it is. I guess they're overproduced or they're over tinkered, but um yeah, I think you're right that they don't want anyone to have the allowance to um criticize the logical or logistical shortcomings of the movie. So it's just it comes out as like a perfect Apple product. Yeah, I wish I had the I wish I had the like knowledge I mean of course so many people have you know go to film school or are themselves like directors and whatever and you you guys probably have more insight to this than I do but i i don't I don't even think I have like I don't have the technical knowledge or the vocabulary to describe
Speaker: that feeling, which is streaming stuff is worse. It's like a, I don't know, it's like there's no meat on it. It's like a screen saver. Like even the stuff that's good, like you said, like the Irishman or whatever, even the stuff where I like turn it off and I go like, that was fun. If I say that was fun about a traditionally, pur produced like going to the theater, watching a movie, it was a time waster, but I had a good time. There was something interesting I saw in it. That makes me feel good.
Speaker: but When i do that when i watch a movie that's like from netflix or hula or whatever and it was like. Oh well i watch that it it's like and a not in my stomach like i feel like i feel a pit of like despair because i wasted that time on something that like wasn't intended to do anything i don't know.
Speaker: I wonder if it's that we have too much in common with the plebs who are on set and that is like leaking through, like the people who used to make it into that ah media apparatus and like the gaffers and the PAs and whatnot, they used to be like a different subspecies of American, but now they're, everyone is, maybe we have the sixth sense for knowing when the media was created by people who were on their phone while it was being made. Yes. um And I think that might be what we're noticing. I think I liked movies more when ah I thought that when a guy dies in the movie, he really, they just found a ah criminal and they killed him.
Speaker: you know yeah And they were like, we a relief wellll yeah we'll give your family $100 ,000 if ah you you drive this car off a cliff in this movie. yeah I mean, I guess I stopped thinking that when I was still a child, but that's when that's when all the magic went away. It's like Santa too, right? Because like even when you know it didn't happen, you could still like sort of tell yourself that it was happening and that worked for a little while, but eventually even that you lose steam on it too, huh? Yeah, I mean i' miss Santa.
Speaker: this This is what I watched last night just for shits and giggles while my girlfriend made dinner is I turned on the Sabrina Carpenter Netflix special and What was crazy? I mean her whole thing is these like ridiculous. It's it's like so ah We're celebrating my puberty. like She's testing out all of these ah double entendres all the time that are not vulgar enough to actually get puberty. Celebrating her puberty. Isn't she like in her late 20s? I know. That's the thing. so Another little piece of intel about one of her sisters. I went to school with her sisters. and there We had a sex ad assembly in the big black box theater.
Speaker: and They asked a trick question to all of us, or the person conducting the assembly asked a trick question, which was, is anyone here unfamiliar with female genitalia before we move on?
Speaker: ah damn And one person raised their hand and it was a carpenter sister. And she was 18 years old. Well, so they got her. It was a trick. First of all, right yeah, sex ed should be filled with trick questions. yes Yeah, that's a good instinct. um But anyway, yeah, all of these like weird, she's famous, or Sabrina's like partway famous for doing these double entendres. And of course the Christmas one has tons of Christmas section sex jokes like, oh, you this plump this plump redness glittered with white,
Speaker: white jizzums sliding down my canal and and having these enormous packages under, and it's like, don't you know that Christmas is and has always been a double entendre? like It was always this way to sexually train children about phalluses going into canals and leaving gifts. um so I don't have to say what the reindeer are. I have to fucking say it.
Speaker: yeah But it's like when you it's like when um people say that ah ah T -Rex's teeth were as sharp as a knife, it's like, don't you know that we made knives to build T -Rex's teeth? like You're reversing the analogy. It's it's recursive. Yeah. it's it's less the it's Maybe in this case, it's less the dumbing down of media and more yeah like the failure to acknowledge the um ah simulacra that we've constructed to Like, it's to stand in for what we are already feeling but can no longer express because we've lost the language to do it, right? Well observed, well observed. I think the solution is that these, you know, these fucking directors, they've seen too many movies. And what we need to do is find people who haven't seen any movies or watched any TV and let them direct stuff. The return of outsider art, Derek is calling for here, which I'm... My interest is piqued my dear boy, but it needs to be uglier outsiders with more impairments Yeah, that's fine. No, I like that stupid normal outsider. I was just some fucking hick and he's Nailed a piece of tin to a you know a bird Stupid I like I like that one. But yeah, I understand what you mean. It's been done Somebody had to do it. I'm gonna take all their effects
Speaker: How do you deal with this? Are you a hard cut or? I don't even probably don't even mention it. Probably don't have anything. You think that's the wrong move? You think maybe keep I don't know. to say Well, we were talking about art and different approaches to it. I'm just interested in what your approach will be. I i don't know. It's curious. I mean.
Speaker: I think about the listener's experience. Yeah. that's Do they want to sit through this is this? Is this entertaining enough as a bit where they're going to go, oh, and then the guy went and took a pee? Maybe it is. It depends on, you know, I don't know what what kind of direct feedback do you have with your listeners so far? Well, they never say like, I want to know when you guys take a pee. Okay. Well, then that's why we have an episode where Pierce takes a pee.
Speaker: Yeah. What? No way. He's already back. That was really fast. That was insanely fast. And I think because the the conversation there was a commentary on what the approach to editing the P break will be, I know that that's what we were so were talking about. But I also want to make a note that if Derek doesn't edit anything, even in the room, that felt way too fast. So so yeah, that was a ah seven second piss with no hand washing.
Speaker: Okay, did you dab or shake or anything or are you just leaving it up to God? Um, yes. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, we're you're at work. So it's like, well, I mean, get back to work. I'm alone in the office today. I truly there. I feel like Macaulay Culkin and I doubt he, I doubt he shaked when he was using the ah toilet and and now those, those, however many hours he was home alone. I'm sure he just stopped it right back in. Oh my God. I just got the title of the movie.
Speaker: That is so funny, Home Alone, right? But that's what we don't have anymore, right? Oh yeah, latchkey kids. Oh yeah, right, right. And that's who grows up to - Every kid is taken care of these days. Well, how are you supposed to get fucked up enough to make good comedy if your life is good? We asked the exact same question the last episode. How can artists make anything if they're important?
Speaker: That's so tough because, you know, as a father myself, I've got three wonderful children and I take care of them and they're my whole life and I love them so much. But I know that they'll never grow up to be funny because I've taken such good care of them and they have nothing wrong. And that way you've robbed them of the of the opportunity to. Make others smile or to be famous and rich. I mean now now, how are they going to become rich? They got to do an app or something? I mean, that sucks. I don't know. There ain't going to be no jobs in the future. It's just going to be different people selling their their personae and performances to each other. Yeah. Oh, well, now they're going to be doctors. Sorry, man. They're going to they're going to be penniless. They're going to be penniless doctors.
Speaker: They're going to into fuckers like us. Wow. Just to be entertained for a mere one hour of podcasting. Just to take their minds off of the grind of going to the hospital or whatever, whatever doctors do. I don't know. It can only do your eyes. Hey, Piers, how about you read this one?
Speaker: ah What subreddit is this from, if any? This is from the mental health subreddit. Okay. ah All right. Why am I so obsessed with science? I'm obsessed with science, particularly theoretical science and futurism. Everything in my life I approach scientifically.
Speaker: I love learning new things in science and I can feel an adrenaline rush when I learn a new term or chemicals. I love the sounds of big words for chemical compounds. Reading them is like the same feeling as seeing something I find the beautiful. I also love astronomy and find the vastness and possibilities of the universe to be intoxicating.
Speaker: Subconsciously, I am waiting every day to hear the news that we have made contact with intelligent alien life or find a way to move faster than light. I also am obsessed with the brain and neuroscience and like looking at pictures of brains because I find the folds of gray matter to be, well, sexy.
Speaker: I often wonder about the science of forming and storing memories and have been posing questions related to that on forums for years. Oh no. I am a huge fan of Star Wars and many other sci -fi fantasies, and I'm currently obsessed with the explaining with explaining the science of Star Wars. Yet, here's where the philosophy part comes in. Why do I care so much about science if it doesn't affect my day -to -day life?
Speaker: Why should I care how memories are formed or why humans dream or what's out there in the universe? I am not an engineer, a scientist. I'm not smart enough to do that. Yet I have this insatiable thirst for knowledge. I'm currently studying to be a librarian, but it is more focused on organizing books and has nothing to do with with science. I try to quit science, but if I try to abandon it, I feel suicidal. oh I also am on meds for obsessive compulsive disorder and Of course, I have researched the reason my brain has this problem. I feel like I'm overloading my head with useless information and wonder why I can't be more interested in sports teams or social encounters. Why do I obsess over science if it does not benefit me in any way?
Speaker: Holy shit. What a bummer. It's a novel of a question. Well, it's also asked and answered a bit, right? I didn't think we were running headlong towards the OCD diagnosis, but that feels like it must play at least some role in sort of the turmoil that the questioner is experiencing, in addition to the fact that, of course, he's just a regular dork. So I think that just... See, I think the reason... I think they answered it even earlier. I think when they said, I find the folds of gray matter to be sexy.
Speaker: i think I think that's really the heart of it. they they They're horny for this stuff. They think reading about fractals is just as good as ah looking at ah boobies. That's so interesting. i'm I'm more of a boobies guy than a brain guy. What what what do you guys think? They say that the folds are only sexy because they remind people of the sexual folds of the human body. So I think this guy just got his wires crossed. This is another analogy problem. And also the folds are quite small compared to yeah so yeah most anything. most Most what? Most anything. Most genital or body type object. What do you mean? I don't know.
Speaker: You tell me you're the one who said it. He says he wakes up every day thinking that might discover faster and light travel hu every day. he goes He goes to Google News and he's like, fuck, ah they didn't do it today. And yet he's interested in science. You think after like a while, he'd be like, I read the science. It turns out that's not going to happen. or We've got like 10 years. possible Yeah, maybe I can like.
Speaker: You know they do the projections like i think we'll have a we'll have a real ai or driving cars in just eight years or something like that like maybe maybe you can like take your foot off the pedal a little bit and just enjoy the new iphone or something for a while just like coast yeah this person has just enough ocd.
Speaker: to not understand that they have an interest and they are mistaking their interest to be a religious level fetish and if they had if they if they simply believed anytime i think about something that isn't scientific my mom will die then i'm sure that they wouldn't even have.
Speaker: the attention span to type out this whole question. But I think that this person actually needs more of the negative side effects of OCD so that they will interrupt this ah stream of consciousness. Things are just going way too well for them. Yeah. Yeah. What could we do to make their lives worse?
Speaker: ah Keep releasing Star Wars movies. Probably that's one. If you like Star Wars so much, you probably are not looking forward to each subsequent movie. um That's one thing we could do if you guys have any pull in that area. Or like maybe instead of being interested in the blasters and lasers of Star Wars, you should be interested in the force, which is not a scientific ah property of that IP. And maybe if you start thinking about forces, evil, good,
Speaker: Um, and the tricky nature of morality. So you're, so you're saying you're not buying the midichlorians. Oh, you're right. Metachlorians were just a ah easy way for science. Very. Metachlorians aren't real. It's just a hypothesis. I don't know. I keep trying to quit scientists, quit science, but if I abandoned it, I'll feel suicidal and hopeless. Yeah.
Speaker: I don't even know how you would. I don't even know how you would quit science. It'll just keep going. You don't really have to write. It doesn't seem important that he's involved in it. That's a good point. Yeah. Maybe just the knowledge of which for some people is so ah scary, just knowing that, like we were saying earlier, the world keeps on spinning, whether you're looking at it or not. Maybe that could be freeing for for this guy as sort of a mantra to know, like, well, you know, they're going to keep discovering stuff. And even after I'm dead, you know, maybe that will give him some peace in a weird way. Yeah, he' he's it's I think the problem is that he seems to think that he's living in such an important scientific era that he's going to see intelligent beings discovered faster than the light travel discovered in his lifetime. But we should tell him the one big thing that you get, the one big scientific advancement you'll get in your lifetime is another Star Wars movie.
Speaker: I mean, posting has made this guy's life possible. I mean, he says he's on forums and stuff. This is a Reddit question. If he were obsessed with science like this in the 1800s, he would be truly insane because he'd have no one to talk to. Reading the names and sounds for big words of chemical compounds is like the same feeling as seeing something that he finds beautiful. He can't even think of something.
Speaker: there's not But if I were to find something beautiful, it would be like science. I like science so much that it's comparable to when I like something. Yeah, maybe not his strong. You know, the social stuff being a ah weakness for him maybe is being played out here as he tries to explain something he likes, which probably would benefit from more practice in social situations where you say like, I like.
Speaker: football. I like basketball, you know, I like, you know, and baseball, but yeah he doesn't really have that practice. So he's kind of stumbling over the way he's horny for brains. I also think that the word science is probably, he probably just should focus on what he likes about science because right now he's using science to describe both everything that exists in reality and everything that doesn't exist in reality. yeah So he's basically saying, I love how everything both works and doesn't work. How do I stop obsessing with the way things are and start thinking about other things? Yeah, I love i love like facts, but I also love my imagination. how do i spend them How do I stop obsessing with both the physical world and my mental world? Is there a third world that I could somehow take away?
Speaker: Yeah, it turns out that um if you think of science as both the brain and outer space, then yes, you will forever be obsessed with science. There's no escape. Yeah, he's he's what he's really horny for is perception, which and consciousness. Yeah, I guess there's ways to limit that, but maybe you don't want to hear it, you know, right? Yeah, I think ketamine might help this guy.
Speaker: Yeah, that's an interesting idea. I was thinking of, you know, maybe like, like jumping off a building, I think would be one way to like stop, you know, if you're going to stop thinking, perceiving and conceiving of things, maybe you just turn into a big pile of goo. Yeah, but even that is so scientific. Oh, yeah, scientists love goo, yeah. I mean, you don't want to give him that idea because he's a immediately going to think, oh, but I would like to research that goo. What is the tallest building I can jump off? Oh, God. All right, Poindexter. Yeah, you're right.
Speaker: Yeah, he would have to find a really sort of like barbaric anti -science way of suicide. Um, ah here's a question from the morbid questions subreddit. The title of the question is idea for serial killers. And, uh, Jesse, why don't you, why don't you read this question? Yeah, sure. Are these, is this coming from the lane of like, uh, like ideas for fiction, um, like world building or is just general musings you think? This is an idea of how to construct society. i think Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker: um What if we let loose criminals that had the death penalty into a compound where they could be hunted down and killed by serial killers or people that liked to kill? It would take care of said dangerous criminals and if the killers were killing bad guys they could scratch that itch and it'd be safer for everyone else. Even if the criminal killed the killer, that'd be one less killer in the world. I don't know. In my head it made sense but I was wondering what all of you guys think.
Speaker: killer island are they saying that the criminals who are on death row get killed by serial killers and the serial killers are more people than like to kill right right but that those those killers they're simply allowed to enjoy they're not they're not needed to be criminals Okay. I think there's just killers of people who i killing it's like a gun buyback thing where you like put out an ad in the paper. That's like if you like killing people, we have a thing for you and then you just have to trust or you have to be so motivated by the lust of kill that you end up going and here's change it to an island which makes it even more appealing. It's like, do you do you want to go live on this island? Do what you love? I mean, that's a great deal.
Speaker: Yeah. Who's saying no to that? No serial killer. I know. Yeah. What if we what if there was some kind of compound where like um desperate, destitute people had to resort to criminality just to survive? And then there was like a whole armed a psychopathic force that was allowed to kill them with immunity. Well, I just worked in my head. I don't know. and Just imagine. Imagine how would that change society? I guess I guess what they want the answer to be like it it would be good.
Speaker: it would i do what fix things well i i do think if you put this on the ballot in certain states that would probably receive a pretty pretty strong approval um i don't know if it would get all the way there at first you may have to go back for it again and again but i think you know florida texas maybe even where i'm at right now you could probably get ah pretty decent double-digit chunk of people saying Yeah, that makes sense because then the killers kill each other and then I can just watch TV. right I can watch Sabrina carpenters. ah by i By the way, I looked it up. I can't i im don't know you that well. So I don't I don't know what you like to do in your spare time. But imagining you like I'm looking at you now. Yeah. And imagine you clicking on Sabrina carpenters.
Speaker: What is it called? It's called A Nonsense Christmas with Sabrina Carver. I mean, Pierce has a good reason to be watching this though. I mean, maybe you missed it, but he has a personal connection here. Yeah, I went to school with her sisters, but I will say, yeah I basically put it on so that my girlfriend could watch me watch it. I thought that that was a funny thing to do. She could see you watching it and kind of have to incorporate that. Wait, did you finish it?
Speaker: uh yes i finished it it was basically i got to act like jim i got to turn on um ah the michael scott equivalent of a tv program and i got to jim face at my sweetie pam for an hour OK, I didn't realize it was like performative. That's fun. Yeah, I'm sorry, but I performatively watched it. I watched it ironically. Did you at least have your phone in your hand so you could look at stuff you that is cool and manly or big time? OK, did you have it on like when she walked in the room or no, I turned it on when she started to make a ah dinner and um yeah, I was just searching um pictures of Sabrina Carpenter.
Speaker: while I was watching. Those are some good pictures. Yeah, that made me feel manly, basically. It's like looking at pictures of a brain fold or something, but that's what it reminds me of, too. Can I ask, did you make a big production of of click sorry, I just want to be I want to get into your head for this for a second. Did you make a big production of clicking on it? Did you sort of like scroll through and then like let the trailer autoplay on Netflix and then go, Hmm, this looks good, because I feel like that would be kind of that would be funny as well if she heard you say that.
Speaker: Uh -huh. That would be funny for some girlfriends, but um my girlfriend found it funny when I wordlessly searched S -A -B -R -I and then found it in the fourth return search result. Okay. Uh -huh. So she's got sort of a... I mean, well, it makes sense living with you. She's got such a well -rounded sense of humor, and so she's like... Yes. Looking for the subvers subversion a little bit more. What made you bring this up? Did something about this suggestion to ah effectuate a fascist fantasy world ah bring to mind a ah ah sweet princess performing. An angel, a perfect angel. An angel? Yeah, ah ah basically, yeah, because i was thinking about I was thinking about what if the criminals had big sexy boobs and then that reminded me. Interesting. I like boobies.
Speaker: yeah um And then I was thinking about, I wonder if there's is any boobies on Netflix, and then now I was remembering that you said this was on Netflix, and I was like, I should look at boobs. um yeah So yeah, basically I was thinking what you said. It's so crazy how like the the two sides of the fascist coin, I mean, this has nothing this question has nothing to do with tits or ass. And yet it creates that you get there instantly. nonetheless You just know that whatever compound that has criminals killing each other,
Speaker: That necessitates that sexy women are also going to live on some kind of compound. um and that there will be broadcast to to innocent men, men who have nothing to do with Killer Island. That's their reward. And they'll do the opposite of killing. hey Oh, man. I wouldn't mind watching that. You know, I mean, in in fact, really, it gives me an idea for an island, which is like, let's forget the serial killer and and killing and the bad guys and all that stuff. Let's just have like booby. Let's just have booby island um and just kind of like that there's like cameras and there's
Speaker: boobies and um we can watch them and they're doing, you know, whatever they want to do. I think that can be a fun no booby. This is the same thing with gun control. If you create a booby island, you're making the island with killers on it. That's true. Killers are going to be so attracted to booby island because they have no they are not gentlemen. I would they're not going to I would protect booby island. OK, wait, yeah that's a good idea. We should we should I would be, yeah, like in the guard tower with a sniper rifle and I would I would be a vanguard and booby island.
Speaker: yeah And I would be worshiped. I'd be worshiped. It would be nice to, you know, actually be on the ground floor of the wet t -shirt contest, though. I don't know if I want a bird's eye view of all of that. I'd probably try to work in the office or something more white collar, but what do you mean, like payroll or what? Yeah, I mean, i it's probably still on the island somewhere. I mean, 10, 15 minute drive away, I guess.
Speaker: I can go to the beach part my day off. How many days off you think you're getting on Booby Island? I don't know. I mean, I'll try to. Well, I don't know. I mean, is it in a America or like what's the labor law like? Right. Yeah. This is all stuff we have to decide before we even like set it up. So this is like i mean it's good to ask the question now. It is funny how um I guess like once we had 48 states, ah people in the government were like, all right, it's time to find Booby Island out there in the world and find some American flag. Right.
Speaker: Um, yeah, well, I guess that this would work. Uh, and I think that what we're coming up with is that if there was a compound full of dangerous criminals and it was basically like a murder compound that, uh, you're allowed to do that, but just hopefully you're ready for the, um,
Speaker: for the residual effect, which is that many sexual islands will be created as a result because innocent men who have nothing to do with killing or have, or violent fantasies, they need to be rewarded for simply not being on killer islands. Yes. And there's only one reward enough, good enough for them, which is angel, angel television. yeah Someone's in the office. I wonder if it's Jim or Pam, like what you said earlier. Yeah. I think about those two a lot.
Speaker: And yeah, i whenever I enter an office, I just to have the sinking feeling that they're not going to be there. Every day I wake up and hope that Jim and Pam will be in my office and every day I'm just, I'm crushingly disappointed. I don't know if it's my OCD or I don't know what it is, but I just, they're never there. It's always just the same schlubs I work with. You know what I mean?
Speaker: Yeah, what's so crazy, I mean, just talk about this recursive simulacra. If there was an office with a Jim and Pam in it, you wouldn't even want to be Jim or Pam, you would want to be giving a gym face to another Pam type about their flirtation, right? You mean you would want to be like in the office with Jim and Pam and then Jim does the gym face and then you do the gym face?
Speaker: to another Pam about how right we're watching them flirt. And that's like our Michael Scott. That's like our cringe activity that we bond over. Can you believe Jim and Pam? They're always flirting. And then like, I mean, logically, like there's another like smaller. i get They'd have to be smaller to fit them all. Right. Another smaller set of Jim and Pam's like kind of to your right and then so on and so forth. Yeah. ah They're so cute imagining them like that. No, but you can't look back. They have to be looking at you.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, you have to look forward at the at the gym above because if you look back at kind of the whole thing topples Yeah, I don't want to do that I don't want that on my head making all of the gym and Pam's You scare them too because they're small. They're little right and then there's like a Kevin Fat bald guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's smiling and I wouldn't even look at him. He's spilling the chili though, isn't he? ah Definitely fucking slob I watch shows like that, I see that guy, and I'm like, I fucking hate that guy, I hate this character, get him off the screen. He makes me mad, yeah, he makes me really mad. yeah i've I've gone through a lot of ah Apple TVs, just anytime he shows up on the screen, I'll just say that. you know Yeah, he always break your TV on like the second episode, you just never make it through the full run. I have no idea what happens, I don't even think I've met Pam yet, i't I'm not sure. right
Speaker: I can't believe they elected to put a monster in that show. Yeah. a yeah It could have been a cult classic without that monster.
Speaker: Any other questions there? Here's one. Here's one from the X explain like I'm five. Subreddit. I know this one. Yeah, so maybe one of you want to read this question. ah Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure um How did the CIA slash special forces prepare their agents slash soldiers for being kidnapped and tortured in films and books? There is a lot of mention of the fact that CIA operatives and special forces soldiers are trained to endure torture How exactly is this done and what does it consist of this has to be that they torture you and?
Speaker: But all the while they say, we're the good guys, right? I mean, that's how I would do it. how I think the way I would do it is I would torture them and I'd say we're the bad guys. they really don mean I'd say surprise. Right. Yeah. But again, if this, if I were saying, if I were saying this to a five year old, I would, I actually, I probably respond with some questions first. Like what movies have you seen or like, what are you, what are your reference points? Cause it depends. It depends on the movie, but I guess if I were explaining this to a five year old, I think you're right to question what they're watching on.
Speaker: TV but generally I mean the tool I roll out to deal with big questions like this for young minds as I generally I might start with saying like well we know that things that happen in films and books are not always and then I wait for them to finish the sentence and then they might say true or real or something like that and so we sort of established the ground rule should have let me or Pierce I wasn't a hundred percent confident that you guys were gonna get there um just because I know now what I was supposed to say. Right. But then I thought maybe was things in movies and TV aren't always funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're not always meant to be asked about could be another one. Yeah. I don't want to shut down the inquiry necessarily, um but I do want to establish like, hey, let's keep in mind, you know, just because it's on a screen or on the page.
Speaker: It doesn't mean we take it as gospel. And then I might kind of do a tangent about what gospel is and then they'd probably be at school by that point. So I'd let them out and they could kind of kind of like ruin their question by just like over just just vomiting up a bunch. of It's hard to know because there's everything is so connected.
Speaker: Right. You have to explain the whole world just to explain how the CIA tortures your agent. That's how it feels. Yeah. I mean, talking to a kid who genuinely wants to know something and you have the wherewithal in the time um to explain it. But let's say you wouldn't just say, well, they have a building where they they torture them over and over again until they they're really good at resisting it. I wouldn't say that. You wouldn't start there. I would not start there. But you might end there.
Speaker: um I don't know. I don't know where I would end. this This one hasn't come up. I'll say this one hasn't come up, and we're just not watching a lot of um James Bond movies with the kids or ah Jack Bauer or whatever. we're We're not watching that stuff yet. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the first time I saw torture depicted in fiction. Maybe the most, I guess the first time I saw a torture on the big screen was the testicle rope scene in Casino Royale.
Speaker: And i don't know if anyone trained james bond to make a joke about ah having an itch on his scrotum no but that was the he delivered it like he was trained though right.
Speaker: Yeah, he uttered it with such impersonal precision. Yeah. Right. And who trained James Bond of fuck all these beautiful women all over the globe? I wonder. Do you see him deliver it with such impersonal precision? I guess, like you said. And presumably, there was a CIA agent training facility that was having him fuck around the clock for a year or something.
Speaker: Yeah, and what is, what is there something that James Bond has to struggle to avoid doing whenever he has ah premarital sex? Well, he can't marry them. He can't marry them. He can't. He can't fall in love. Yeah, that was the hardest part of his training. The most difficult mission, the most impossible mission of all, in fact. Yeah.
Speaker: When he was having sex with these MI6 training dummies, he would constantly propose to them. And they would say, you are a secret agent. You cannot be having wives, all these wives. They turn on the light. The guy with the clipboard comes in. They said, no, no, no. Run it again, damn it. Yeah. There's an electrical cathode on the finger of the dummies that he gets shot every time he puts a ring on the plate.
Speaker: um But not all of our are boys in brown. What colors, I guess, and guess but color do... blacks a Black tux, really? Doesn't he wear a tux a lot? Yeah, our boys in black. um I can only hope that they are taking a page out of the MI6's rubric and having lots of premarital unprotected sex without getting hitched and then also getting tortured for days and days without uttering a single piece of intelligence.
Speaker: You bringing up James Bond, like, kind of makes me think, well, James Bond is like a really high level. ah What is it? He's a double up. He's a double. ah Yeah, he's a, you know, he's a high level ah piece or ah character of the the army. He's the character of the army. He's a soldier. Yeah.
Speaker: He's a high level man. pizza for me So, I mean, he can withstand torture. Obviously he's gone through all that stuff, but probably a lot of the, you know, wimps, the, the like level one CIA agent, they're not going to get tortured around the clock because they're just fodder. They're not, you know, they get tortured. It's fine. we don't even care the gunsets you have yeah they They only give them stupid secrets anyway. yeah how even Maybe even they they lie to him.
Speaker: yeah you know oh Yeah, they ask about secrets that they're genuinely not even that interested in. They're like, what's the code for the bathroom door in the Pentagon? I don't know. I wouldn't mind knowing that that could come in handy. I think um the first torture maybe I saw was I think was it was it maybe Roger Rabbit where the shoe is lowered into the goop um or could it have been what's the one where Hulk Hogan is strung up over the vat of acid? Is that Mr. Nanny?
Speaker: I have not seen this. So you're thinking about like kind of a vat centric. They're both vats, but that's those of that was more common then. Yeah, that's what we knew from. Maybe they were like green and bubbling kind of thing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. People have some kind of like, some relationship to things like a green bubbling vat that is, but and and but we don't see it much anymore. Now, why is that? I don't know. Torture methods have improved. Right. We've graduated past the need for green bubbling vats. Oh, I think I know what it was. I think Justin Bieber started coming out with albums. So we ah moved on to more efficient torture methods. Yeah. I mean, and and think about like the grooming that happened when he was a child.
Speaker: There must have been like a, I bet that grooming coincides perfectly when with the, uh, the green bubbling liquid started to become just a little sliver at the bottom of the can. yeah we're Really running low on goo. I wasn't thinking as much about sort of the stuff that happened to him as a kid, more just like the bad music and stuff. Well, I mean, he was not sexually groomed groomed to become a superstar. Oh, okay. It could be, it could be both. It's fun, but right. you know I think to your point, Pierce, when you say it becomes a sliver at the big at the bottom of the ah the vat, I think it's probably true that we just ran out of the shit. yeah you know Because they were throwing it around like it was nothing in the 90s. They were dumping it on people's heads. and
Speaker: You know, vats, lowering guys. It's like, why why do you need a whole vat? You could put in a spray bottle and just spray it in his face. that That would melt his head. You know, but instead they they always wheel out the vat. After a while, you're just not going to have any more of this. I think it's a natural resource. You know, you're just going to run out. The hubris of the vat havers really came home to roost in the 2000s, maybe post 9 -11. I don't know.
Speaker: yeah I bet they went crazy after 9 -11 with the vat. I bet that instead of dangling them over it to Derek's point, I bet they were doing a bit of a splashing and there was, yeah, their excess kind of boiled over you could say. Yeah. Wow. Maybe that was something that we were worried about was like ah bad actors across the across the ocean getting access to this.
Speaker: A lot of them, like just thinking about how Americans would probably vote to have a criminal killer compound, if we told people in Florida, like, hey, there's some guy in some country who has a bubbling green goo, should we go should we go kill everyone that lives in that country?
Speaker: I bet that they would say, yeah, we might as well. Yeah, well, the goo is scary. Yeah. Well, I mean, we probably want to get our hands on the goo is like sort of the George W. Bush kind of era thinking. Yeah, that should be out. Just doing it for the goo. Wow. Yeah. Here's one from ah Would You Rather? And I guess, Pierce, you hate. This always comes up that I hate would you rathers. I just don't like when they have rules. I don't like when they have rules. If they're simple, five word would you rathers.
Speaker: All right, this one has more than five. Okay, let's see. And and it has some rules, but but I'll let it be the judge. So the question is, ah would you rather be attacked by a baboon once a week, a chimpanzee once a month, or a gorilla once a year? and To stipulate, ah whichever ape slash monkey you choose, assume they are the largest species slash subspecies and that they are healthy adults. The ape slash monkey is teleported right next to you at a random time within the next week slash month slash year. The ape slash monkey is enraged and will immediately attack you with full force. If defeated slash captured, a new one will take its place for the next attack.
Speaker: You would die. Yeah. This is just asking, do you want to die in one week or one month or one year? That's kind of what I was thinking, too. But I didn't know if you guys would come to the same. Well, this is something that for me and this is the God's honest truth. I'm not so horrified of apes that I don't appreciate them from afar. But when I think of things I am scared of, a gorilla mauling me definitely rises to the top of my mind. I i and i it's even it's like orders of magnitude more common more likely that i would run into a bear in the wild and yet for me a gorilla is so much more horrifying i don't know if it's just the resemblance to my own they have hands um it's just something about him it's like it's the intelligence of it but it's also the brutality
Speaker: Or it's like a - I mean, a bit right, they can like bite your your face skin off, but they could also use their creepy hands to just rip your guts out. Yeah, like getting killed by a bear is like, well, what if you got in a car accident? Like, well, that would suck. I don't know. But it's just like an inanimate object fell on my head from space. I know there's nothing I can do about that. But a gorilla killing me is like, I made him mad.
Speaker: yeah I have no shot. If someone breaks into my house and kills me, I'm like, well, I had a shot. It's just some guy, but like a gorilla, there's no shot. There's no chance. And it and also you you're you're face to face with some kind of like primordial form of of human emotion right in his rage. Yes, you see yourself in it and it's it's absolutely terrifying what stares back at you. And no matter how much you relate to him and you can and you say like, I get it, I get it.
Speaker: He keeps beating you up. Yeah, it's awful. Well, that's that's does it count as I had a nightmare about a chimp trying to break down a door I was in to kill me. Wow. And I was panicking and I was like, what do I do? So I decided to get I took my clothes off and I got on all fours and I pretended to be a chimp that was angry about something else. And then when he came in, he was just like, all right, what are we mad at? And immediately we're both on the same team. you That's a pretty good technique. You said this is a dream or this happened.
Speaker: This was a dream that happened. Okay. I guess does that count as defeating the animal if I can join forces with it? i enough If he becomes your ally? Yeah, I know he's coming in fully enraged.
Speaker: right Well no, because it says um if defeated slash captured a new one will take its place, but if you win its ally ship, I think you get to keep that ally forever. Well that would be the move. That's all we have, because we don't have the physical strength to to go toe for toe with these guys, so we we must use our superior intellect to dominate them to our will. So I think that's really the only shot we have. The question is,
Speaker: Who, over which of those creatures, do you have more of an intellectual advantage? Is it the gorillas, or the chimpanzee, or is it the baboon? A baboon? I think we do have a physical advantage over to a baboon. I feel like it's close to a fair fight. Those teeth, though. tos Those teeth will bite. I guess I would want to know, like, which one is the most easily bribed. Like, maybe you can wear kind of like a bandolier of bananas. Or I don't, do these assholes still eat bananas? I don't know. I feel like they're like protein bars or something. I'm not really sure what they eat.
Speaker: I mean, surely one of these things, you would kind of have to haul a crate of shit around, but, you know, you could probably offer them some stuff for your life. Unless, of course, they see you as an object in the way of getting that stuff. I mean, you you definitely want to stand behind the crate whenever they magically teleport next to you. You have to look like you're also stealing it. Right. Oh, this is just something we're both doing. This is fun. Oh, great. You're here. I was just going to get into these bananas.
Speaker: Yeah, that's what I say when I found my favorite food and someone else shows up, I say, oh, great. You can watch me eat this. Oh, good. You teleported here. I've been waiting for you for a year. This says 80 to 150 pounds and two to three feet tall at the shoulder for the baboon.
Speaker: Yeah, it's barely tickable if they're on all fours. Wait, really? Yeah. I thought they were bigger than that. They're not that tall. It's assumed they are the largest species, less subspecies. Let's see. Baboon size, large. Largest baboon. ah The smallest is called the kinda baboon. That seems almost too on the nose.
Speaker: That's fun. The largest is the chakma baboon, which is 47 inches in length. This says 88 pounds, which it does feel like this is... so like Dogs with brains and hands, maybe you could think. Large dogs. They're so like lions. It's so weird that like a primate just decided to be a lion. They're like, yeah, we're not going to be in the trees, we're going to be in the savanna, and we're going to walk around on all fours and have a mane and a snout. They're so not primates when you look at them. Oh my god, the teeth are so insane though. The teeth are like... Look at the... I mean, you you you guys will be facing that once a week. That's what I'm saying. Once a week. I'm still taking it over the the gorilla I'm not fucking with at all. I'm horrified of gorillas. And chimps are like... chimps are very, are but are there not ever grills with a gentle soul? I guess the question is that because they did say they would be ah enraged. Yeah. I've encroached on his territory already or something enraged and will immediately attack you with full force. Well, I guess if you put full force in there, it means like they're going to kill you no matter what. I think it's probably, I mean, look, this is like so many of these prompts is there's a bit of a failure to give you any kind of reasonable.
Speaker: way to tackle the question so we have to make our own fun which is fine that's what the show's about the best of my understanding i think that if you played dead with a gorilla it might leave you alone because they are bivar is and mostly docile and i think playing dead with a baboon or chimp they will know that you are faking and they are going to.
Speaker: want to kill you at your most vulnerable. But I do think that gorillas are honorable, and I guess I would rather face the the most honorable ape. Better you than me. Okay. that You're right. that was us That had stupid rules. But hey, how about this one? Just really quick. Hey, would you rather hunt, kill, clean, prepare, and cook all your own meals, but get a passive income of $7 .25 per hour for the rest of your life, or You never have to pay for or make any food you eat ever again. Uh, well that's stupid, obviously. Um, maybe you can, can we make it a number that's like more reasonable for us to even compute? There's just like no reason to even consider this, right? Well, so 24 hours in a day, you make $174 passively.
Speaker: Right. I mean, the first thing I'm thinking of is - But you have to hunt and kill and clean and prepare all your food, which seems like it would take even longer than - Yeah, an extra 63 grand a year while I definitely wouldn't turn my nose up at it if I had to return back to like a - um really human Yeah, I just I don't that doesn't really move the needle for me that much I'm happy to and maybe this is my privilege speaking I'm happy to pay the $60 ,000 a year tax to stay alive for more than six weeks um I guess I can see the benefit the cost -benefit analysis there of because I wouldn't I would be dead I can't I can't I can't this is embarrassing for me to say I don't think that I could survive if I had to kill my own food and eat it and
Speaker: 100 % you couldn't, and none of us could. yeah And this question is so easy. ah you You can have a job and eat for free, or you have no time to work.
Speaker: You have no time to work and you die. I actually didn't even see the part that said never have to pay for or make any food you have. I didn't even see that part. I thought it was just like passive income or normal life. And I to mean, for never having having to never having to pay for food. I mean, how much did you say it was one hundred sixty three dollars a day you would get? Yeah. I could I could order more than that for every single meal. Right. A hundred percent. Yeah, wouldn't be a problem.
Speaker: And it's not even like the food that you don't want, it's just any food you eat. That's crazy. and if if you Okay, drop the part never have to pay for it, just go back to the passive income question. Passive income, but you have to generate all of your own food sources. And it's not $7 .25 an hour, it's $50 an hour.
Speaker: Okay. No. Because it's still not passive. But I guess the point is, it happens even when you're asleep. Right. I mean, I'm going to be sleeping like six hours a night because the rest of the time I'm going to be running around in the desert or whatever trying to... Maybe you still live where you live. Would you rather live like a god where everywhere you go you eat for free? Or would you rather make a surgeon's salary to be a caveman?
Speaker: It's crazy. Of course, there's no amount of money that would make me want to live as a hunter -gatherer. I mean, yeah, I mean, even the like, never have to make food again. I mean, it almost sounds like the food will just appear where you are. That's what I mean.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, you got to go with that. I mean, even if it were like a million dollars a year versus the food thing, I think I'd go with the food thing, which might seem crazy. But to me, I'm going to spend more than a million dollars a year in food if it's all free. well Can you opt? Can you jump in and out or are you locked in for life? Because maybe you do a couple of years and then you're set. You're in. You're in for life. Sorry. Well, the value of the dollar is plummeting. So i it just doesn't with inflation. It makes no sense to sign up for this.
Speaker: just be a like This is why I hate with where there when there's rules in these things, because there should be a caveat for this second part of the would you rather that says, and the value of the dollar is rapidly decreasing. Right. It's not easy to make a balanced would you rather. That's why you have to like add all these stupid extra rules until eventually it's just like, well, this it is hardly a question.
Speaker: I used to ask an ape question. it would It was, would you rather fight the strongest gorilla or the weakest chimpanzee? Boom. No rules. That's easy. The weakest chimpanzee? Or the strongest, no, the strongest chimpanzee or the weakest gorilla. Sorry.
Speaker: Well, it would still be the weakest gorilla, because wouldn't it be like on life support or in a coma? Definitely. But so many people would say weakest gorilla, you'd be surprised. Oh, so many people fucked up. Jesse probably would have said weakest gorilla. Or, uh, traumas. No, I am, I'm very scared of, I just recently rewatched the Planet of the Apes films and I'm very scared of chimpanzees. Because I think what happens in film, it could happen in real life is what I think when I watch them. So my dad never told me that it wasn't like that. And when one of your kids like asked you like,
Speaker: Could this happen in real life? You just tell them yes because you don't know. I say you're watching it, aren't you? um All right. Well, I have a rhetorical question. is Would you guys watch a movie that was advertised as a Planet of the Apes movie and then 45 minutes in, the predator shows up? It's a rhetorical question. So we won't and we won't answer this. Yeah, just chew on it. Okay.
Speaker: I fucked it. I'm dying to know the answer. Would you guys watch that also? Yes. Yes. I love both series. So yeah, what what's not to love? I know. I genuinely think that they should do that. What's, wait, what's he here for? To hunt the apes. Does he know that that's apes now? Or is he familiar with us from when we, oh that's an interesting, oh that's cool. He, he only brought, he only brought, uh,
Speaker: tools to kill human beings. He has no idea that he's up against apes. Yeah. It's like a totally different dynamic for him. And he like, you even see him like emailing the guys back on the phone. He's like, what the fuck? I feel like he's kind of the hero of the movie. Definitely. Yeah, for sure. Because where is our way? Are we still around or have we been completely eradicated? Because the, did you see the latest plan of the apes? We're still hanging around.
Speaker: Right, they were just hanging by a thread. Yeah. The telescopes and whatnot. Yeah. I don't know. I don't like the thing they do in those kind of movies. They didn't like, uh, Freddy versus Jason and alien versus predators. Like, Oh, uh, you know, one of these things can't be the, the, uh, sort of viewpoint character. We have to make one of these dumb ass disposable humans kind of like run around being scared. And that's, that's what the audience will spend a lot of time with. That's, I don't want to do that. You don't like that. I think, I think it should be from the predators.
Speaker: Point of view. Yes, it should be the hero. Even if they're a monster, a killer, they should be the hero. But once again, you're describing art instead of approachability. And those are two different things. You're right. Wow. I mean, it's so nice to have Derek in check because he speaks with so much authority and I always get afraid that I can't correct him. But yeah.
Speaker: All right. Time to go, guys. Thank you, guys. Thanks, Jesse. I didn't know if you were thanking me, if you were thanking me. Because I don't know what the sign off is. What's the sign off? We don't have one yet. You want it you want to take a shot? a shot ah Thanks so much, guys, for listening um to the Chamber of Reason. We had a lot of fun this week. We talked about, God, well, hey, go back and listen to it for yourself. I don't have to tell you. um Let's see. Next week on the show, we've got... Yeah, go ahead. ah Well, shit. ah Next week on the show, we got a oh we got a really big show.
Speaker: um We've got Justin Bieber coming on, guys. So ah tune in for that. We'll be excited to ask him if he would ah fuck um Mr. Beast. We're excited to ask. Pierce will be going to the bathroom again and check the Patreon for exclusive episodes. ah This week, we've got one more Pierce's recording in the bathroom. So um stay tuned. More stuff morga stuff coming in 2025 here.
Speaker: on chamber of reason and then it was really excellent and generous thanks beautiful and it was a difficult thing to even suggest that you do is almost like we were hazing or you're nagging you but you yeah surprise bitch that's the prank you just got cranked we got you
