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Ep 05: Dating After Divorce
55 Plays1 year ago
This week's big D is the DATING after the Divorce! Listen, we both went through some things, and we had to learn a lot. The whole reason we started this podcast, really. A lot of work done, and so many stories to keep telling!
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, everybody. What's up, guys?
Introduction and Background
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to We Used to Be Married, a podcast about two hot ass college kids who dated. Broke up. Dated again. Broke up again. Had a baby. Got married. Got divorced. And we're still friends. High five. Hey, what's up? Hey. It's great. Welcome to episode five. We used to be married. I am Jin. And I'm Zandi.
00:00:20
Speaker
and we are not married nope from we've been divorced longer than we've known each other right i think wait that's not possible because being divorced also includes the time we knew each other so there's no way oh yeah longer than we've been
00:00:37
Speaker
We're together. That's what I really meant to say.
Dating Post-Divorce: Challenges and Changes
00:00:41
Speaker
The topic today we are going to be discussing is dating after divorce. Now, there's so many things going into dating after divorce now versus back then. Also, you went through two divorces.
00:00:56
Speaker
right so we're not actually talking about dating after the divorce with you because we actually went over that in the last episode kind of yeah yeah yeah into it with yeah yes so dating after and then we'll compare the two because back when we divorce is 20 just flicker can you stop flipping
00:01:15
Speaker
No, but my hair has grown since the last time we recorded. Okay. This is not an extension. No, they're not. Oh, wow. That's a real hair. Good for you. Um, so it's been a minute. Okay. It has been a minute, right? Three, three months more. Okay. Yeah. There's no limitations. We just can't say people's names. Listen, the reason that it's been so long
00:01:37
Speaker
is because your girl was dating, okay? And she got caught up. She got caught up in the dating scene, and he did not want to bother me because I could not be bothered.
00:01:50
Speaker
She cannot be bothered when she is in, she is in until she needs to focus on something else. Or it got broken up. It doesn't work out. I didn't. Okay. Well, yeah, she got broken up. But anyway, one of the things I really wanted to discuss aside from, you know, your recent experiences is very different than when we divorced, which was in 2000.
The Evolution of Dating Methods
00:02:14
Speaker
11 12 12 12 2012 and 2022 dating because 10 years later 20 2012 had its challenges but one that like the iPhone had just come out apps were not a thing I dating apps like they were kind they were starting up I was on match.com and that's the way
00:02:31
Speaker
Right, match.com. But it wasn't so app-heavy. That's true. I was on my computer. It was websites. You know what? You're right. I was on my computer. So I don't like to be corrected by my ex-wife, especially. So I'm going to let that one slide. But it is very different. The scene is very different. When I first started trying to do the apps or whatever, it was just like, well, okay, nobody's really on these things anyway. Not a big deal.
00:02:53
Speaker
You said wow. There was like OkCupid. Yeah, there was a bumble. No, there was no bumble. See, exactly. It was Mac.com, eHarmony. OkCupid. OkCupid. I think plenty of fish. Was tinder around? Tinder might have been on its first pass or whatever. Things have gotten, I don't know, easier in some respects and way more difficult than others.
00:03:14
Speaker
Other than what apps were available or what dating sites were available, how else was it different than today? It was still very much sort of like either go out and meet someone at a bar, hook up. That was kind of still a very normal thing to do. And then if I actually wanted to date anybody, generally it was kind of like, well, if there's a friend of a friend or someone that has some sort of connection to your social circle,
00:03:42
Speaker
that was kind of like my go-to that was just kind of like oh that makes sense that was kind of my mindset when i you know back then yeah like i started the abs and i was like nah it really wasn't for me okay looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes yeah maybe a little you you actually had success i did right well i took it very seriously to be honest i
00:04:07
Speaker
Yeah, I wasn't. I'm not comfortable. Is there anything you don't take seriously? No. Period. Period. Period. I'm really uncomfortable with the notion of casual dating. Really uncomfortable. I date for seriousness. So if you met someone at a bar and you vibed and you guys hooked up that night, that's your boyfriend.
00:04:37
Speaker
Well, first of all, I wouldn't go to the bar to meet people. If that happened, well, then that's kind of like, Oh, but then definitely I would take it very seriously. If we had a really good connection, but
00:04:55
Speaker
You wake up in the morning and you're like, hey, what are we? The idea of going to a bar to go meet someone is creepy to me. I say bar just as the general social setting sort of thing. Anywhere you go. If you go to some thing that you enjoy doing, like ballroom dancing, I don't know. Anywhere you go when you meet people. Going to a social setting. Yeah, social setting. With the intent to go meet someone, see one, right?
00:05:21
Speaker
Yeah, I'm the kind of person who wants to do research first on a person. Like, so the dating app thing was very much like, Oh, this is great. Like I can filter out the people who don't meet my criteria. Yeah.
00:05:35
Speaker
So it did kind of make it easier. And then once you met someone after a divorce, it was like, you know, a little, like a little period of time and you met someone and then you guys were like, okay, we have the same goals, aspirations, end game. Right. You got married. Well, those, I would argue that it went the other way around. First, you have to check off all the boxes that you both have the same goals and aspirations. Then you start dating and then you're like, okay, the connection is there.
00:06:05
Speaker
you know, and then you make it official. Yeah. That's how like online dating works for me anyways. Yeah. Yeah. So, so you, you got married. What kind of motivated you to, cause you did achieve a lot of stuff together that you initially thought you wanted. Yeah. Right. But something happened where you're like, okay, this isn't it. What was that like for
Therapy and Personal Growth
00:06:27
Speaker
you?
00:06:27
Speaker
Um, at first it was a lot of blaming the other person for the demise of our, our, um, our relationship. And after being out of that relationship and going to therapy, I realized it was a lot of me. Like I.
00:06:46
Speaker
I kept analyzing a lot of the problems that were happening over and over in my head and like seeing it from an outside perspective with the new knowledge that I had from therapy. And I was like, Oh, that was actually my bad. That's because I didn't love myself enough. That's because I have these insecurities from.
00:07:05
Speaker
this or that's because I have trauma and I'm triggered from childhood, blah, blah, blah. And it all made more sense to me, but the damage was already done, you know? And I, I recognized that. And the only thing I could do was move forward and love myself. And I did that for a whole year before I was like,
00:07:26
Speaker
Okay, I'm ready, I think I am. And then back to the dating apps. Yeah, I thought, I was like, okay, actually, I think I did it back in the fall of last year, winter of last year. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like creeped out. I was like, this is not, I don't, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I think it was on it for like a month and I deleted all the apps. Like I think I did Bumble and Hinge. Yeah, yeah. And then in January, I was like. Respectable ones. Yeah, I wouldn't date Tinder.
00:07:54
Speaker
But anyway, so I went back on it at the end of January, beginning of February. And I was like, February. February. February. February. February. And I, I was like, you know what? I, I'm good with myself. I'm good by myself. I really am craving companionship and affection. And what happened?
00:08:24
Speaker
Me? Me? Me? No, what happened was I met some prospects that were not a great fit. Yeah, and that's one of the things I definitely wanted to ask you about is because, you know, like you were saying, and with apps, like you can set your criteria, you know, what did you... Don't ask me what I put as my criteria.
00:08:51
Speaker
but that's the point of this it's about I had okay let's just say this what are you willing to I had so many criteria that oftentimes it would say sorry we don't have a match for you come back later yeah and I was okay with that yeah I was like I don't want just anyone I want
00:09:15
Speaker
At least these 17 things. Okay. Yeah. So, okay. Let me ask you this more specifically then, um, then was it about finding someone to marry someone, someone to spend the rest of your life with? Good question. So I'm reading, I have been reading and I follow on Instagram, young Pueblo. And I read both of his books. He has a new book coming out called lighter. But, um, I read, um, clarity and connection, which is the second one. And the first one was,
00:09:45
Speaker
um i forgot what the title is sorry um but young google it young pueblo you googlers we'll put it right here no we will not just google it young y-u-n-g pueblo p-u e-p-l-o took me like pueblo and i realized i wasn't looking for
00:10:06
Speaker
a husband, I wasn't looking for a father figure for my kids. Um, I was looking for a partner who had also been doing the work to love himself and to, you know, go to therapy and, you know, do the work, which is analyze, um, your analyze and, and, and what do you call it? Um, assess, I guess, and work through.
00:10:35
Speaker
the, your past trauma and you know, the, the pain and the hurt that you've gone through, whether it was from your childhood, most of the time it is from your childhood, um, or a past relationship or past relationships. Um, and the funny thing you say, childhood is like one of the things I realized it's like, well, I mean, childhood not being like, Oh, I'm under 18. Like he'd be 20 and still a child. Right. Yeah. So it's not necessarily like, Oh, you're eight years old. And that translates to your marriage. Sure. Yeah. Yes.
00:11:05
Speaker
So I was looking for a person who wanted to build with me, to build and grow, someone who wanted to reflect and have those kinds of conversations with me. And the first person told me he had been through therapy and he was dead. And so it was like, yeah, I've been through that. I was like, cool, at least you've been through that. Like, that's good. But I learned very quickly that he was
00:11:31
Speaker
he had the avoidant attachment style so in the very beginning he was super like he presented as someone very secure and and then as we got closer it was like always pieced
Attachment Styles in Relationships
00:11:44
Speaker
out yeah and it was only like when he wanted to hook up it's like when there's conflict it's just like they're just gone it's like well actually the first two people I dated and like really liked
00:11:55
Speaker
were both avoidant. And I don't know, I think I've been doing a lot of like research about that and a lot of insecure, anxious attachment styles like me tend to gravitate to the avoidant. Because it gives you something to work at. It gives you something to kind of solve. Exactly. Exactly.
00:12:15
Speaker
And like internally, that's I think, you know, someone like me, you know that about me too. It's like sometimes when there's nothing wrong, almost like you create problems just so your brain could be like, okay, cool problem. I can fix this. You know, and it's like, it definitely doesn't work when it's with someone else being involved. Yeah, that's, it was, it was really devastating because I thought I was ready, but I didn't know I was, I actually wasn't ready for that.
00:12:41
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It sent me into a spiral of emotions and insecurity. And so I was like, I'm going to stop. I'm going to just give up. Like, so I deleted the app for like the fourth time. And then I think it was like a Sunday night or Monday night. I was like, no, I'm going to try. And they tried again. I think it was a Sunday. Um, and I found someone and we matched and he responded back to me and we were.
00:13:10
Speaker
Going back and forth, he seemed really lovely and we scheduled a FaceTime call and the first three hours of our talk was literally just about our journey and therapy and what we had been learning. Yeah, it's got to be really like something that must have like lit up for you, especially after the last few that you've been dealing with.
00:13:30
Speaker
I mean, that's the thing too. I feel like that's kind of a hard thing to deal with, especially. No, no, no hard. Sorry. Let me revise that. We both been married. We have kids. Yeah. Like what is the end goal, right? Like what are we looking for? And I think that's kind of one of the things that I was like thinking about the other day. I was like, yeah, because, and I said this to you, like we've done this. We're not, the end game is not to get married and have kids and whatever. Cause we already did that. Like that's all here.
00:14:00
Speaker
And we still have most of our lives, you know, God willing, like ahead of us. So then, you know, looking for, like you were saying, the partner to build with is such a, you know, like important thing. But then what does that mean? It means, okay. So in my current journey in the last year and a half, almost two,
00:14:20
Speaker
It's, first of all, my goal is to love myself so much and to build a life for myself that I can really be proud of on my own and just be so secure in who I am and myself and my body and my, you know, emotional, spiritual, all of that. Tracy Ellis Ross said it best.
00:14:40
Speaker
she's like I could have I could have what did she say a wheel of lovers she said but she's not trying to date someone unless they really add to her life and make it better let me ask your question then
00:14:54
Speaker
wheel of lovers, now that you bring it up, but like, how does that, I mean, does that align with how you see dating as? Because for me, I'm like, I'm a serial monogamous. I'll have a period of, you know, six months, a year where I'm single, do whatever, have a good time. But then I ended up being, I usually end up being, you know, significantly in a long relationship. But like, wheel of lovers, that's such an interesting concept. Like what, I mean, is that a,
00:15:21
Speaker
goal to be able to live your life as yourself, but then have a bunch of people that you're like, Oh, Hey, you know, let's, Tracy Tracy's Tracy's hypothetical is not what she actually wants. She said she could easily do that. She could make that choice, but that's not her choice to do that. So she's happy with who she is and the life she's created for herself.
00:15:45
Speaker
But if she did choose to date someone to have be in relationship with someone, it would be because this person significantly makes her life better. And in that could mean many things. And it's someone who challenges her to go inward. Someone who is, you know, challenges her intellectually and makes her think about things she didn't think about before.
00:16:11
Speaker
Um, someone who provides affection because she can't give herself affection. Um, and that, you know, in many different aspects, someone can make your life better than you can on your own. I am interested in the prospect of having someone to have deep conversations. I want to have hard conversations with someone. I want to learn how to be empathetic and compassionate to someone, even when I'm hurting and like,
00:16:40
Speaker
in that in the in the pain be able to hold that person's hand and still love them and still find a way to be compassionate and empathetic because that's that's life-changing that's transformative so you're going to be alone for the rest of your life yes
00:17:00
Speaker
I'm kidding.
Commitment and Relationship Expectations
00:17:01
Speaker
I'm kidding. Of course, it is either the connection is there or it isn't. You have the hope and that's the hope keeps us going. Even though we will never achieve that. Never ever. Shut up. Because people are terrible to her. I want to say that the only reason someone would do that with me is because he's committed to me. And whether that's their marriage or calling me his girlfriend or like showing through his actions that he's committed to me, like I want a committed relationship.
00:17:30
Speaker
And the reason people get married, some people, maybe it's not most people, I believe is to show their commitment and share their commitment with their community, whether it's their family or their friends.
00:17:42
Speaker
Whoever, the people that are most important to them, they're doing it to declare their love for each other and their commitment and dedication to each other in front of the people they love the most. That's what I want. So you could do that at a birthday party and just be like, I declare that I love this woman. And that's, that's cool too. I think having a party and getting to dress up and getting to do all the fun things in a wedding, that's cool.
00:18:11
Speaker
We had a fun wedding. We had a fun wedding. I remember weddings. You had fun at the wedding. I couldn't drink. I was pregnant. Five months pregnant. You were wasted with your friends. So yeah, it was fun kind of. But I don't want to really spend that much money.
00:18:32
Speaker
That too, right? Why wouldn't you ask for donations? Go on a trip? That should be something that the focus should be on. But the thing I think about a lot of culture in this country is it's a lot of marketing. You're marketed to believe these are the things that need to happen. For example, cereal.
00:18:55
Speaker
Why is that breakfast? It's like you just are brought up to believe, oh, you eat cereal for breakfast. And it's like, well, no, no, they advertise as part of a natural, of a whole breakfast. So it's like, it's not even breakfast. It's literally just a bowl of whatever. Um, we're raised to, listen, don't get rid of cereal, but just, it's not breakfast. Um, but like, you know, in weddings, it's like, Oh, well you have to have this big day and invite all these people and have an expensive wedding. If you don't have an expensive wedding, then,
00:19:21
Speaker
What's the point? But statistics show that like the more you spend on the wedding, the higher the divorce rate is. Really? Which is a lot. Yeah. This is something that's verifiable. You can Google it. I'm not going to do it right now. Google it. But it's just like, it's almost like when you put on a show for everybody else for your own, you know, like
00:19:39
Speaker
oh hey look what I've done I found someone to get married to well you're doing it just for that purpose versus like what you were saying the connection and maybe we had to do and go through all the experience to really come to the awakening that that is what we really want in life from a partner you want that too of course I might not verbalize as well as you or read young Pueblo um but I do know things from my life experience and that's one of the things I understand now it's like
00:20:08
Speaker
If I have to be alone right now, like I'm in a committed relationship. We have our problems. We have our good moments and we are constantly working at it. I think this is the first time in my life where I'm like, well, if I'm alone, I could be okay with that. I don't, I want this relationship to work out. Yes. But I could also take a step out of it and be like, Hey, would I be okay alone? I'd be like, drive of like wanting to be with someone because you have to be with someone is like kind of not there anymore. Well,
00:20:35
Speaker
What I was going to say is that's the goal for me is to be completely okay with being alone. It seems like you are though. Most days. Right. And I think that's part of building that you're going to have moments where you're not, but I think generally speaking from an outsider observing, I'm like, she seems like she holds it together and does well.
00:20:56
Speaker
so don't don't make it weird don't cry my sister called me today like almost towards the end of the day of work in between calls in between like fires and urgent things i was taking care of and it was a rough day today and she's like hi how are you and i was like
00:21:18
Speaker
do you really want to know because everywhere else like everybody else who I talked to in that day at work I have to be like I'm great I'm awesome you know I'm HR so like let me just put on this smile where as you know sometimes I'm actually not too okay and when my sister called me my I let my guard down but that's not because I'm lonely it's because I was going through a lot
00:21:45
Speaker
I am in a place, and this happened in the last week, you guys, the last week. It's been, what day is it today? September 9th. It's been a month and a half since I broke up with, I guess you could call him my ex-boyfriend. I was his girlfriend for six days, you guys. I dated him for four months, and I was his official girlfriend for six days. What did you do? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
00:22:14
Speaker
I think I've moved into, I moved past the grieving and the sadness. Yeah. Depression. Yeah. And I'm back in this place where I can say, I'm good. I'm gonna be okay. I'm not necessarily ready to download the app again.
00:22:31
Speaker
Yeah. That is a little anxiety inducing, even as I think about it right now.
Healing and Taking Breaks from Dating
00:22:36
Speaker
I'm feeling it too. And I'm like, you know, like the last few months, like you, you, you dedicated a good amount of time and you were enjoying certain things and going through any kind of breakup. Cause even though you were official for six days or whatever you want to say, is a significant amount of time, especially when you're juggling work.
00:23:00
Speaker
the kids and you know there's a lot going on you know so good on you thanks you know and and cry when you need to but like your positivity is commendable and i i respect that for sure thank you um yeah i mean
00:23:18
Speaker
The reason I'm not like jumping back into the dating scene is one because I'm not ready yet And two because I'm terrified of some of the cringy moments. I've experienced Yes, let's go, okay, I have number one story okay, I don't know if I've told this already in one of our podcast but I I really prefer face to face like
00:23:40
Speaker
FaceTime, you know, like the video calls, they, they, a lot of the apps actually build that in now. So a video conference call or whatever you want to call it a video for that rather than just texting. Oh, okay. I'm not going to meet someone on the first, like we match. Okay. Immediately schedule a date. Let's go out for drinks. No, I need to interview you first. I need to hear your voice. I need to see your face.
00:24:09
Speaker
I need to see how you do when I ask you a really poignant question about your childhood or behavioral, behavioral based questions. I'm using like, tell me about, you know, I don't want to know that yet yet. I want to know about, I want to know. So it's really funny cause I'm, I'm currently looking, trying to fill three positions at my, um, job right now. I'm HR manager.
00:24:34
Speaker
And, um, I use behavioral based questions, which means, can you provide an example of a time where you exhibited a teamwork or can you tell me about a specific time where you encountered conflict and you were able to resolve it like that? So these are the type of questions I'm asking in my interviews with my hinge candidates. You're the, you're the monster. And I'm taking, literally taking notes in a notebook. Um, and can I just say,
00:25:02
Speaker
I told you this the other day, is the reason I was like... I remember the last time I went through an interview like that, it sounds terrible. It's terrible. I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through an interview with me. No, I'm just kidding. I'm a great person to talk to, okay? I make it enjoyable. I smile a lot. I do a lot of validating nods and smiles and, mm-hmm, and, oh, that's interesting. So anyways, I do that and... Who are you? I'm a great person.
00:25:29
Speaker
Um, one of my cringiest moments is when I was on a video call with someone on Bumble and I told him about how I have two lovely co-parents and it didn't work out. I've been divorced twice. I have two great kids and this person was saying like he messed up with his wife or ex-wife or whatever. Meaning probably cheated on who said I messed up. Right. So I'm like, okay, not us. I didn't have cheated on you.
00:26:05
Speaker
I never missed it. Good for you. Not in that specific way. I messed him into me. Okay, so he messed up. He cheated probably on his wife. So you're on a video call with this bumble candidate. And then I was having
00:26:18
Speaker
the worst time and I lied. I was like, Oh, I think I hear my daughter calling. Um, I gotta go check on her. I'll call you right back. I was trying to get out of this conversation. So I hung up the phone, took a little break and I was like collecting myself. And then I finally crafted a text message long enough to say, Hey, I think I'm going to stay in the room with my daughter. She needs me. And also I just wasn't really vibing. I don't want to waste your time. I know what I want. I know.
00:26:46
Speaker
when my energy matches somebody's and I know what I'm looking for. And he was offended by that. He was like, well, that's really sad because I just poured my heart out to you. And, you know, I feel really bad for your kids that they, you know, no wonder it didn't work out for the first and second. And I really hope to God there isn't a third. Good luck. And I was like, triggered much?
00:27:13
Speaker
Damn. Okay, so that leads me to what kind of guys are dating? Do they look like me? Are they different lighter skinned? What does that mean? What are you asking? Do you have ethnic preferences? What if I do? I'm asking. Do you? Is that one of the things? Because I know, you know, cultural differences can be a huge thing, especially, especially after to be 100% honest. I married to I really would.
00:27:42
Speaker
I find it hard to connect with someone who isn't a person of color because that experience in America as someone of color is different than someone who's white. You feel safer and more at ease with someone who has gone through. And I'm not saying I'm racist against white people. Honestly, that's all I'm saying. I'm talking about who I want in a partner for life.
00:28:08
Speaker
Who do I want to connect with? Who's going to understand my challenges and my experiences as a brown person? Because that's not something you necessarily have to explain every time. Yeah. Something that affects you and then the other person doesn't get what the hell you're talking about. And then I will go further to say that I really enjoy and enjoyed, because my ex-boyfriend is Filipino, I really enjoyed sharing
00:28:33
Speaker
and being in a relationship with someone who's Filipino because like you said, I didn't have to explain a lot. That isn't to say I didn't have to translate for him because he didn't speak Tagalog and I speak Tagalog, but still like our experiences were very similar in terms of the way we were brought up, the way our parents treated us, the way our parents what they expected of us.
00:28:57
Speaker
He does sing karaoke and he does it well. Um, so thanks parents for teaching him how to do that. Um, yeah, so that was really interesting and I would, I am very much open to dating a Filipino. So you're really, really hot and you're Filipino and you can sing and you've been to therapy and you are completely 100% okay with me having two great co-parents and two children. Hala. Oh, look at that.
00:29:26
Speaker
There's no alerts for anyone in your area. Wow. You might have just added more difficulty for finding product. Oh, by myself, don't wanna be. What? Finish. Oh, by myself, anymore.
00:29:56
Speaker
I don't want to be. She don't want to be all by herself. Um, beautiful. Thanks. Wait, wait, float that. Okay. Okay. Um, I've never dated a Korean girl. You have not. I've never dated a Korean girl. Yeah. I
Cultural Influences on Dating Preferences
00:30:12
Speaker
don't know. Like I have low key. I feel like I'm a little afraid because of how I turned out and I have a sister. I have all this sister, you know her Jane. Oh shit. Doesn't matter. Um, I'm not going to believe that out.
00:30:26
Speaker
I have an older sister and you know, given how we were raised and how we turned out, I'm like, I'm low key terrified of Korean women, which is so strange. And I know we're terrified of Korean women than you are a Filipino women. Because I
00:30:43
Speaker
I don't think I'm terrified of any women aside from a potentially Korean woman. Okay. Um, and I can't really explain it. That's something I'm going to have to explore on my own, but I don't really, I'm not, I don't understand what that statement means. Explore on my own, why I have this sort of, it's like how I'm afraid of. Sorry. I thought you meant you're going to have to date a Korean woman to explore that. No, no, no, no, no. I have no, I, at this point I don't have any desire to necessarily, but, um,
00:31:07
Speaker
It's a visceral reaction I have, and I have no idea why. It's the same reason I'm low-key terrified of Russians. I hear a Russian accent, and it scares me. And I thought about it. I was like, maybe it's a generational trauma thing, because our country was literally torn apart by the Soviet powers and the US powers. And I'm like, that sounds like a viable excuse.
00:31:32
Speaker
of why I'm afraid of Russians. Or just movies growing up, maybe all the Russians were bad guys. I'm sorry. Yeah, but yeah, I've never dated a Korean person. Never necessarily not wanted to, but I never really kind of got into that. And I don't know if I would necessarily do that in the future, especially because I'm in a relationship right now. But yeah, that sort of connection, I wonder if I would have that. Because even though I'm connected with my Korean culture,
00:32:01
Speaker
I'm not necessarily, you know, sure how that would translate in terms of the dating scene because my Korean upbringing was vastly different than what I know of any Koreans I know that had a certain upbringing. So I don't even know that my experiences would translate or if that's what something I'd be looking for or even want to kind of entertain. Okay. I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. What did I learn about dating? About myself? I learned
00:32:29
Speaker
that as much as you like someone, as much as you want to spend all your time with someone, you need to maintain your boundaries and space. You cannot dive headfirst into a new relationship. Speaking of diving, you've seen those videos with the belly floppers, right? Like they're representing a country and they don't do that. The Filipino divers.
00:32:51
Speaker
Thank you. I didn't want to say it. That was me. That won't be me in the future because I learned my lesson, but I need to create my safe space, my safe bubble. I need it as much as I'm like, Oh my God, I love spending time with this person because you're so important. Yes. I'm a people pleaser and it's just important to have my own space for as long as I can have it because you know, let's say something works out really well. And then you move in with someone like your spaces,
00:33:22
Speaker
space is gone. I mean, you have to really cultivate and craft that when you are in the same space with someone, right? So I learned that. And it's not about like the newness of the freshness, but it's the kind of respect that you have for myself.
00:33:39
Speaker
yourself and for the other person to kind of mostly for myself that's what i need to prioritize because i'm always prioritizing the other person's needs and what oh you need space okay take it but it's not like listen zaydi you need space because you need to learn to love yourself so much and be independent and be okay with being alone and being okay with being apart from this person check in yeah okay but like
00:34:03
Speaker
You don't need to text this person all day long. You don't need to be on like marathon phone calls until you fall asleep. You don't need to do that. Also, this is a podcast not a therapy session. I think all of them are therapy sessions. Yeah, okay. So I learned that about myself. And I learned that trust is something that you have to build over time and there is no shortcut for that.
00:34:30
Speaker
Absolutely not. Yeah. No matter what someone tells you, you can only build that through time and actions. And that goes for me. I can't tell someone, please trust me. I love you so much. I would do anything for you. Those are just words. And you really need the time and the actions to prove that. That's the only way you can really build a strong foundation.
00:34:59
Speaker
We didn't talk about any of my crazy moments. What the fuck? No, this episode is dedicated to me. No, it's not. Yes, because I just came out of a relationship. Yes, so what? And I have just recently started dating on the app. So if this is about me. It's about us. It's about we used to be married. No, we. You are interviewing me. You can do that on your TikTok. This is...
00:35:19
Speaker
collaborative you're already in a committed relationship you're not dating right now doesn't matter i still had to date after our marriage okay so talk about that you already talked about how i know i'm like you met you met people through people you didn't have to do the research that i did yeah but i still had to like deal with people and do all kinds of stuff and
00:35:44
Speaker
You don't even know about my dating experiences. That's so funny. Listen, just because you're still dating right now doesn't mean I didn't date and my experiences aren't valid. My experiences matter. Yeah. No, but it is true. I mean, everything you're going through right now is
00:36:02
Speaker
very fresh and relevant. That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's so fresh right now and so relevant to the journey that I'm experiencing.
Forgiveness and Moving On
00:36:12
Speaker
And the reason that we can be here right now is because it all comes back to loving myself, loving myself so much that I no longer am holding on to like pain, grudges, anything. Like we can come together and talk about our marriage, talk about our divorce experience and be like, wow,
00:36:31
Speaker
We went through that, you know? And so this new perspective, this new place in my life, in your life,
00:36:41
Speaker
Like that's the through line of this podcast. The new lens, the new perspective that we have right now in this moment in time can allow us to talk about these things freely and without holding pain, holding grudges, holding resentment. Like even this person that broke my heart a month and a half ago, I do not hold that pain. I don't hold that grudge. I forgive this person and I'm moving on. And that is because of the place that I'm at right now. That is the reason I can actually talk about this.
00:37:11
Speaker
in front of a camera and with you. Yeah. Yeah. That's really important. Because I kind of wanted to talk about something. Okay. Something I went through. I'm excited. We didn't plan this. No. Sometimes it's not planned. Actually most of our stuff isn't planned. But I remember I think the most difficult period for me dating after I merged. It didn't happen that long ago but it was like
00:37:37
Speaker
made me question everything that I thought about myself in terms of, you know, like relationships and how I compose myself with, you know, women. And I have to say it was with someone Filipino. We used to work together. We always got along and we hung out one night and then we hooked up.
00:38:00
Speaker
And then the next day she was like super weird with me. Didn't talk to me for probably like six months. Wow. Yeah. At work that made it thing that made it really, really weird. And I was like, that is such a bizarre thing to me because I was like, wait, what happened? And I don't know what it is. I mean, we've kind of recovered our relationship and we're like kind of friends now again.
00:38:27
Speaker
And we've never talked about it. We've never talked about what happened. And there was a period I went through about during those six months where I was like, did I do something? Of course. That's the first place I think you and I and most people go to when something
00:38:44
Speaker
doesn't go our way. Yeah. It's like, what did I do wrong? Yeah. And it was this crazy time for me because I was like, wait, I don't black out, but I just, I just don't. Like I have this thing. I remember everything and I was like, this was not something that was uninvited. I, you know, there was, I would never force myself on anybody or it got to that point. I was like, did I do something that she misconstrued maybe as nonconsensual? Yeah. And I'm like,
00:39:12
Speaker
Interesting. Can come up with anything. And the end, but anyway, the end result is that we are still friends. Like she actually reconnected with me at some point because I even, you know, especially after working together and stuff, I just was like, all right, cool. I just got to let it go. I don't know what to do to fix this situation. I've tried to have a conversation with her and it became very, very awkward. And so I just kind of let it go. And then she kind of reconnected with me a while later. And I was like, well, then what happened? But I can't talk to her about it.
00:39:42
Speaker
I can't bring it back up and she's definitely not. You can't as in you're not willing to or you're too uncomfortable to do that? It's both. I'm very uncomfortable with that. And it's so weird to think about those kind of experiences because that doesn't happen very often. Like I said, I'm generally a serial monogamous. Yeah, I'll hook up with people and do whatever. But it's always like consenting adults. You know what you're doing. You have a good time. And that's OK. That's just part of life. I remember going through that. And that was the first time where I had to take a step back.
00:40:11
Speaker
I'm not going to hook up with anybody. I'm not going to go out on dates. I'm not going to do any of that. Like I locked myself down for, I want to say like a year. Yeah. You didn't know that, did you? Yeah. Dating is fucking weird, man. No, because I was really self-absorbed. And being married also. That. Oh, yeah. That too. Yeah. That's also like, yeah, that was a lot. I mean, it is a lot. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're married, you mean you can't pay attention to the struggles of your ex-husband?
00:40:39
Speaker
Exactly. Okay, cool. Yeah, so anyway, that was just something that crossed my mind right now because we were talking about cringy moments earlier on, you know, your experience too. There are other ones, I'm sure. But that, that was the one that like really stuck out because I've never gone through anything like that where I was just like, wait, what? I just completely felt like not who I was. You know what I mean?
00:41:02
Speaker
And that's so weird, especially I think being a guy nowadays, you know, cisgender, it's times are changing. It's not a bad thing at all. And I watched this video on TikTok the other day and it was about this woman talking about like studies being done specifically about white American males and how
00:41:19
Speaker
a lot of them are not dealing well with independent women. And like how dating scene is changing because now the roles, the traditional roles that men are supposed to occupy like the providers and all these things, like there's a lot of shifting going on and women are expecting more from their male partners.
00:41:37
Speaker
more in the sense of like emotional, yes, emotional availability, maturity, intelligence, intelligence, all that stuff. Um, it's not just, hey, yeah. And it's, and that's, that's one of the things I kind of took away from that video. It was like, wow, that's, I feel that, you know, cause even when we were married, I was like, Oh, well if I work, that's how I provide support. But like you didn't need that. And that's kind of part of this shifting of societal norms and rules. Like it's crazy.
00:42:05
Speaker
Like, you are providing for your kids independently of having a husband. That's amazing, but in terms of just purely dating and, you know, trying to figure out what you want, which a lot of people want, is kids in marriage. It's like, you don't fulfill that role anymore. You're an independent person and you have kids and you're providing and now you're looking for something more, which is why, like, dating nowadays, I mean, even before marriage, like, I feel like things are shifting a lot.
00:42:34
Speaker
If you haven't been married and your goal is to get married, it kind of simplifies things. Cause then you're like, Oh yeah, you want to get married? I want to get married. Let's, you know, that's what we want to do. But after that, that's when the real exploration starts. That's when you start really asking the tough questions. Yeah. Maybe I need to be dating someone who's already been married. There's an idea. Yeah. Maybe someone who has already had kids because my ex boyfriend has not been through either of those experiences and he gracefully stepped into
00:43:04
Speaker
this world of mine for four months and did it like, well, this male on his face, he was very, very kind and generous about all of that. And I ever shied away from those things. Like those were never the reason for him to not be in the relationship with me, which is great. Like from the beginning, you should know that that's, that's my situation. And if you aren't willing to do that, then like next, thank you. Next. Right. But there's also a level of understanding and experience that he didn't have.
00:43:34
Speaker
That not to say that that was a weakness or anything It was just something new to explore and that I needed to help him and guide him through that or even like He could only guess he could only assume or he never had that firsthand experience So I'm wondering if that is that is the key to success. So if you're Filipino
00:43:55
Speaker
one more time yeah yeah if you're Filipino you're really hot you can sing oh now they have to be really hot i said that initially no you didn't i said that before i made the list so first you have to be Filipino really hot can sing like really well and harmonize please thank you um and also you've been through therapy you're still in therapy hopefully or at least still doing the work right and you're not married still
00:44:18
Speaker
Oh, yeah, please don't be still married like you. Okay. You're okay with the fact that I have been married and I have two wonderful co-parents and two kids. And you understand firsthand what it's like to be in a marriage, be divorced and have kids.
00:44:37
Speaker
Yeah, this is easy, right? This is so easy. You just tick those boxes on the apps, right? Just like, yeah. I know he's out there somewhere. I know he is. I'm not gonna stop believing you guys. Yeah, yeah. Oh my goodness. Quick question.
Introducing New Partners to Children
00:44:52
Speaker
When is the right time to introduce your kids?
00:44:57
Speaker
Great question because I actually just had this conversation with them in the car this past weekend. I'm really sorry for the fact that my last relationship didn't work out. I know you guys liked him and you really enjoyed spending time with him and his dog because we still talk about that dog. We love that dog so much. I don't think I've met a dog that I've loved as much as that dog and that dog loved me back as well. Followed me around.
00:45:26
Speaker
Yes. I, I even love that dog more than the dog I owned before. So anyways, I told them, I'm not going to introduce you to anybody I'm dating until we are officially committed in a relationship. Like he's my boyfriend. I'm his girlfriend. And then, and that could take months and I have to be okay with that. Like that is a lesson learned because man,
00:45:56
Speaker
We get attached easily. We, as in me and my kids, we get attached easily. We love people so hard. And I don't want to do that to them again. That's very valid.
00:46:09
Speaker
I remember when I was starting to date, I was like, I can't bring any woman around Max because then I don't want him to be confused. And it's kind of, I guess it was easier for me because I was with you a lot. Yeah. And also, I mean, like it's different now. Like he was how old? Two, three. Now he's 13. My daughter is eight. And so they understand a lot more.
00:46:32
Speaker
more than I even think I know that they understand. Yeah, and sorry, it just occurred to me, it's also important to kind of have your kids understand, or anyway, our kids don't understand that relationships aren't linear, they're not, they don't have to be a certain kind of way. Like I remember there was a period where I looked at roommates and they were great. And they were just extra adult models that our son could kind of learn from.
00:47:01
Speaker
You know, like the phrase, it takes a village. It's like, absolutely. And, and, you know, like, okay, listen, if you have the capacity and the wherewithal and be perfectly married and, you know, send the kids off to college, all this stuff. Good. Do that. If you have that, but if it doesn't work out, also like, don't be afraid to invite positive adult experiences, buried.
00:47:21
Speaker
non traditional relationships and show you know your kids that these are also important. It's not that the end goal is not to be married and have kids because god knows the world's on fire. We got 8 billion people.
Conclusion: Self-Love and Decision-Making
00:47:34
Speaker
Yes. We have enough people and goal is to become passionate people. Yeah, that's it.
00:47:40
Speaker
Don't be a dick, don't hurt people and let people do what they do. And love yourself so much. And love yourself so much. The bottom line is we are generally doing our best to introduce positive relationships and experiences and adults to our kids as well as trying to be that for everyone else in our lives as well. Dating after marriage, after two marriages for you. Very difficult.
00:48:04
Speaker
A lot of things, a lot of ups and downs, but it's a daily process and you just have to make good decisions. And love yourself so much. And love yourself so much. The letter of the day is love yourself so much. And remember, it's not always about you. Bye.