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Ep 06 Marriage vs Dreams
87 Plays1 year ago
OUR FIRST REMOTELY RECORDED EPISODE! We discuss our struggles with Marriage VS Dreams. What we've realized since then is that it was never about being married VERSUS our dreams. If anything, it was always ourselves versus ourselves. We've come a long way since then.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'We Used to Be Married'
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, everyone. Welcome to We Used to Be Married, episode six, a podcast about two hot ass college kids who dated, broke up, dated again, broke up again, had a baby, got married, got divorced, and we're still friends.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm Zandi. I'm Jin. And let's go. Let's talk about stuff today.
Balancing Marriage and Personal Dreams
00:00:22
Speaker
What Yeah, we're talking about marriage versus dreams. Yes. What does that mean? Well, initially, we always thought that it was marriage versus dreams, like you just said, but through the years and life experience,
00:00:37
Speaker
we realize that that's not so cut and dry. And we'll get into that in terms of how we went through it. And maybe that'll be something that other people can relate to or speak to. Great. So what were your dreams? What are your
Pursuing Acting Careers in LA
00:00:53
Speaker
dreams? Are they the same as what they were back when you were married? What were your dreams? Start with what were your dreams back then.
00:01:00
Speaker
Well, you know, I wasn't exactly sure what my dreams were at the time. Uh, I just embarked on, um, an acting career in after moving to LA. And so having booked a couple of commercials, I was like, this is something that could probably do for the rest of my life. Kind of traditional route serving.
00:01:18
Speaker
at a restaurant in LA and while you were still in New York, hadn't quite figured out how to do it. I knew I wanted to. But your dreams were to be an actor, a film and TV actor, correct? Film and TV actor, a working actor, yes. And my dreams were to also be an actor, whether it was on film or TV or even stage, musical theater. A true artist. That's what I was doing.
00:01:38
Speaker
A true, legit artist. Yeah. Artist, a thespian, if you will. Yes, yes. So yeah, we both had aspirations. We did. Revolving around. I mean, because we both were theater majors at UCSD. I was a theater major first. Oh my God. But didn't we take intro to acting? Did we take it together?
00:02:02
Speaker
Oh, no, no, we didn't know we did not know. But anyways, back to the topic at hand.
Conflict Between Dreams and Family Expectations
00:02:08
Speaker
Yeah. We're talking about how when we got married and, you know, obviously we got married after we realized we were having a kid together. We we were struggling with this battle between having like a good marriage and family and still being able to pursue our dreams. So that's what this episode was is about.
00:02:31
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, because I think both of us came from kind of, you know, having immigrant parents, very traditional backgrounds. It's like, well, you go get a job and a career that makes you money and gets you a house for your family and your kids, or you chase your dreams. Or you could do that for a little bit.
00:02:47
Speaker
No, no, you never chase your dreams for a living. You're not allowed to do that. No, no, no. You can try it out. But you should always, you know, you're just you could dabble, you could have it as a hobby, because most of the time, it doesn't work out. So that's, that's kind of how you're raised to. It's like you have, once you have a family, that's what it's about. You have to sacrifice everything. It was all about sacrifice.
00:03:08
Speaker
Oh my gosh, being a parent is all about sacrifice. If, if you weren't sacrificing anything, you're not parenting correctly. You're not in a marriage, a real marriage.
Resentment and Career Sacrifices
00:03:18
Speaker
You're not sacrificing yourself and your desires and your wants for the good of the entire family. And the funny thing is back then, I didn't know any, I didn't have a community of actors or anything like that. There were no examples of people that were married and
00:03:34
Speaker
Having a successful career and such a foreign idea to us or to me anyway So yeah, we got married and I do I think the deal was I remember you vividly telling me That you know since we couldn't actively do it at the same time first of our dreams at the same time you would go first Yeah
00:03:52
Speaker
You would try it out for five years, hopefully getting your big break within those five years. And I don't remember if you said whether or not you made the, you got that big break. It would be my turn after five years. And so I was like, all right, sure. Why not? I still have this baby weight on me and trying to adjust to being like a mom. So go ahead. You do that. Your body didn't go through any changes. Go ahead.
00:04:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, it's just like working at nights and, you know, make trying to make money for rent and do that. You know, I felt like it was kind of going OK for a while. But I mean, I was you were working at night and I was working during the day. I was providing the stable like insurance. Yes. All of that. So that's another reason why it was like you go first while we have insurance. We definitely need it because we have a child. Yeah. I started building resentment for you because of that. Right. Because I was like.
00:04:48
Speaker
waiting. Yeah. Very impatiently. And our marriage lasted three years. So it didn't quite make it to the to the five year mark, obviously, for reasons we've already discussed. I felt like since because I worked what four or five nights a week, I made a good amount of money. I was able to like pay the rent and do all that stuff. And you were able to provide, you know, like grocery money and like the insurance and that sort of kind of safety net.
00:05:16
Speaker
But yeah, going back, we didn't know how to do this and I just thought, okay, maybe we can. And after that first year, I was like, oh, okay. I feel like we hit a stride. We're not on the streets. There seems to be a little bit of balance. But yeah, the whole idea was that after five years, I just assumed things would work out.
00:05:33
Speaker
I was like, yeah, five years, of course, it's gonna work out. You just gotta, you know, will it into existence. And I really, I really did try. And but I had no direction. That was the main thing. I just kind of was like, throwing things at the wall, seawoed stick, working with friends on their short films, doing little film festivals here and there. And I was like, Oh, okay. All right, cool. We're making stride. I think that final year of our marriage, a friend of mine was working at an agency. So I got my first like,
00:06:01
Speaker
TV agent and I was going on auditions for TV and film finally after the first couple of years of only doing commercials.
00:06:09
Speaker
So at that point, the resentment started to build for you. Yeah. Especially, I think it was pretty, to be completely honest with you, pretty immediate because first of all, why should you go first when I'm the one who grew up in a performing family? I am the artist. You just fell into this. You did show choir and what? You did show choir and what? You did show choir and what?
00:06:36
Speaker
What else? Like I, since I was two have been on stage. So why should you get to go first? Tell me how you really feel.
00:06:45
Speaker
Yeah, but sure why not yeah after you I'll let you try it out But let me show you how it's done because I'll show you I'll show you and the funny thing is The funny thing about that is like anybody who asks I was like yeah, she's the real real performer I knew that like I understood that like that. I had no I had no like
00:07:06
Speaker
weirdness about it, reservation, if, you know, when we were still together and people would ask, oh, you know, like, oh, yeah, you know, my wife, like, she's the real performer, but she's given me the chance to do this thing. I'm gonna do my best.
00:07:18
Speaker
I'm just doing my best. I'm sorry. I'm not making her proud. I'm sorry. I'm not a natural performer like she is. But, you know, I try my best and I honestly think it wasn't like no choir. All right. You know what? I might not be a trained performer or wasn't, but I at least had a personality and I try to ride that as far as I could. And I I wrote it decently. I'm still doing it. You did. Yeah.
00:07:46
Speaker
So now yeah after oh man yeah and and and so even after the divorce.
Life Post-Divorce and Continued Sacrifices
00:07:56
Speaker
Right. So we got divorced. And then you tell me where your headspace was at that point. We got divorced. You already had that resentment. Well, I still had a kid to take care of. So there was no like, OK, now that we're divorced, I get to do whatever I want. I get to pursue my my dreams. I still have my kid. So I'm going to make the right choice and do the right thing and sacrifice, continue to sacrifice. And how dare he
00:08:23
Speaker
continue to follow his dreams. That's where I was at. And so the sensible thing for me to do was to continue to do stable office work because I'm a really great, I'm a really great admin kind of person and like office person. Like organizing and taking notes and lists and boxes and squares. So I worked. You're a square. You're a square.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah, I am. I mean, it's the safe, it's the safer route for sure. And so when I saw you continue to do that, even when I moved to Liah Vista with, you know, had a whole new family and I was, you know, stable, we had money. I still was feeling really resentful and projecting that onto you. And I remember one day you came to the door to pick up Max and you said something like,
00:09:16
Speaker
You know, you can still do it. And I literally was like, how dare you? You don't even know. My whole life revolves around making decisions to, you know, keep my kid alive and make the best decisions for him. Like if I chose acting, that would be so selfish. You know, like.
00:09:37
Speaker
what you're doing, selfish. So I was very, very judgmental. I was in shock that you would say that you were just in this place where like you were trying to encourage me that it's possible. Of course it would be, you're not as convenient as living this comfy life. It would take some work. It would take some logistics and planning and uncomfortable like moments, but it's possible. If you want something bad enough, you make it happen. And I'm realizing that now after,
00:10:04
Speaker
how many years and after therapy, after realizing that cultivating my joy means not denying myself of who I am, a performer, a singer. And it means actively going after it and carving out space, time, and doing the work to create and to make content.
Balancing Creative Aspirations and Family
00:10:28
Speaker
And now that they're older, honestly, both my kids, it's like,
00:10:32
Speaker
like just now i'm like i'm gonna go record the podcast with that so go to the room and don't come out and max is like okay cool do you want me to close this door and i'm like yeah so he understands like they're very independent and so even though if even if i wanted to maybe in earlier years in their lives
00:10:53
Speaker
It's definitely easier now that they can really understand what I want and what I want to do and that this is who I am and that they have their own spaces to kind of just go entertain themselves for an hour or so. So I'm believing in it now, even though before I didn't and I'm no longer projecting that onto you. I'm no longer resenting you for that decision.
00:11:15
Speaker
And I realized too, it was really unhealthy for me to not take responsibility for my lack of a creative outlet. Right, like you were kind of like, not playing the victim, but you definitely felt like a victim.
00:11:35
Speaker
because you felt like you were in control. And I remember that conversation. I remember that conversation distinctly because you said that to me. You're like, you get to do whatever you want and have your own time and this and that. And I remember saying to you because initially I was kind of like, oh, why, ugh. And then I looked around your place and I saw all the nice things and the pictures and like separate bedrooms and like the kitchen and all this stuff. And it occurred to me, I was like,
00:12:03
Speaker
Well, this is what you wanted. This is what you chose. Yeah, you chose this. Yeah. And the path you chose.
00:12:10
Speaker
Yes. I remember I felt like we, if not had a breakthrough, we came to some sort of understanding at that point because I was like, dude, I, there are times when I do have money and I can treat myself, but a lot of the times it's just struggling and wondering if I'm doing the right thing and doing it. Cause I have to, because what am I going to start some like nine to five, make 30 K a year, not be able to support any, anything in my life or with or anything like that. And.
00:12:39
Speaker
at that point, it was almost, it was like the point of no return for me and not in a negative way, but just more like, all right, well, I got to buckle down and act like, pursue it. Yeah. You have to commit, make this, you made this choice and you're going to commit to it. Yeah. And I think that was kind of when I also really buckled down and decided that, and okay, so let's rewind a little bit. So when we were going through a divorce, the funny part, funny thing about that was, that was like our third year of marriage, right?
00:13:09
Speaker
That was when I booked my first TV gig, the irony of that. That was the year I actually had a really solid year. I had like two national commercials running. I walked the red carpet. Only time I've ever done that. Very first TV job I booked. I did that. And I was like, man, if only things had worked out, like I wonder how things could have been different. I remember thinking of that for the first couple of years.
00:13:34
Speaker
Um, and of course, uh, I broke my leg that year. And so any at all walked the red carpet with crutches. Yeah. And any and all money and advances I had made kind of, you know, kind of came crashing down.
00:13:51
Speaker
But I did learn a valuable lesson in that it is possible that I could do it and that I would keep doing it. And then I remember you guys moved from where you were in the Valley to Playa Vista and that was really hard. That was really hard because driving all over town for auditions and my jobs and all this stuff and then trying to make time to go see
00:14:18
Speaker
And I think that also increased the resentment that you had. Like you're like, oh, he's just kind of doing his own thing all the time. It's like, no, every day I'm driving like two, three hours a day, just in traffic, you know, going from place to place in LA.
Realities of LA Career Pursuits
00:14:32
Speaker
And if you know LA traffic from the Valley to the West side to anywhere else in LA, it's a freaking nightmare when the 405 is your lifeline every day, you know? So, yeah, it was a interesting time of learning for me.
00:14:47
Speaker
and having to learn how to commit. Right, and I would say I'm really proud of you for continuing your sweating because it's a really hot day. I know, yeah. And I have to turn the AC off for the sound.
00:15:01
Speaker
But I want to say, you know, good for you for continuing to pursue that whether or not I was resentful or jealous or like, you know, however I felt like you stuck to your guns and, um, and yeah, I mean, you're not, what I was going to say is I still have almost all the time, which allows you to do that, allows you to do that. And, you know, I'm grateful for even, um, you know,
00:15:30
Speaker
my ex, um, who really provided a stable place for in the time that we were together. And I'm grateful for him now even still because he's still close by, watches over matters, cares for him. Um,
00:15:47
Speaker
And what I wanted to say is that, you know, good for you for continuing to pursue that good for you for, you know, eventually coming to this realization or not realization, but coming into your own in terms of your, your parental duties, because I think for a while there was a struggle for you to balance that. Literally. Cause I couldn't stand. I couldn't stand. I literally had to find a balance.
00:16:13
Speaker
For like a year and a half. I was learning how to walk again Yeah, but I mean now especially now that he's older. He's a teenager. He's in middle school Although you don't see him every single weekend every week I can rely on you to to be there from in other ways and he calls on you and we found something that works so that you can continue to pursue your dreams I have personally found something that works for me and
00:16:38
Speaker
So that I can have a creative outlet right now. I'm just like really present on social media and trying to Create content for myself whether it's a dumb tick tock duet or a cover of something or you know Some just anything because I'm performer and that's my stage right now. I am Right now doing it for myself
00:16:58
Speaker
and actually booked a gig because they were looking for people through their social media which really was affirming and validating for me because I really wasn't doing it for anyone else but myself and someone noticed and so I got to do a stage
00:17:15
Speaker
a stage reading of a brand new musical.
Social Media Success and Acting Opportunities
00:17:19
Speaker
And literally none of us had auditioned. It was through word of mouth and through casting team and creative team looking through our social media and the work that we've put out on social media.
00:17:32
Speaker
that was really cool um and it helped me kind of like with you when you got your big break to remember because i knew already that i could do i've done it before oh this is validating i can do this it's not impossible i actually have a supportive team yeah
00:17:49
Speaker
my co-parents and my family who who will be there for me if I want to do something like this because they did you know you guys did you came through and and I'm really thankful that opportunity came around to remind me
00:18:05
Speaker
that it's not impossible to follow my dreams and be a mom. They are not exclusive of each other. It's a choice. But it's so hard to see that. It was so hard to see that. We didn't have married friends really. We didn't know anybody else married. We didn't know actor friends who were married or had kids at that point. So who are we to? Yeah, we beat everyone to it.
00:18:28
Speaker
Yeah, for better or worse so. Yeah, two after we beat through everyone to marriage, having kids and divorce. So yeah, the trifecta.
00:18:40
Speaker
But no, also becoming friends and being a blended family. We beat them all. So we can give all of you advice now. And we still are very good looking and attractive. Thank you. And we're still doing the dang thing. Oh, I wanted to say though. Speaking of which. Sorry. Oh, go ahead. I wanted to bring up the gratefulness I have that technology also has
00:19:03
Speaker
gotten to the point where we could like, for example, we're podcasting for the first time separately, you know, like being able to record and put stuff online and communicate and like get emails and like all these things that allow us to kind of go down the artistic route and enjoy that. As many bad things. You can literally do whatever you want. Yeah. Put out anything you want. You can creators who are independent artists who no longer need labels. They're producing their own albums, they're producing, releasing their own singles and, you know,
00:19:33
Speaker
original music and going on tour without a huge budget without a record label signing them and it's amazing. So that's really encouraging. Yes, I agree with you.
Advice to Younger Selves
00:19:42
Speaker
So these are some of the lessons we're learning. These are some of the realizations we're having. I want to go a little bit deeper and now that we've learned these things,
00:19:52
Speaker
I want to challenge us right now to think about what you would say to your younger self now that you know all these things. If you could just, you had like two minutes to go in a time travel machine and tell Jim back in the day. It's called a time machine. It's a time machine.
00:20:13
Speaker
Time travel machine. The machine for the time traveling. What will you tell him, the baby Jin? What will you tell him about what you've learned and how far you've come and how to balance your dreams and your life responsibilities, whether it's marriage or having a kid or just a job.
00:20:37
Speaker
I would say to younger me, don't change a thing. Don't do anything different. You did everything right. Everything is fine and everything is great. Just keep going. Honestly, kind of. It would be a variation of that. I would say, hey, get therapy now. Talk to someone. Don't feel like you have to sacrifice your dreams, but also make space for everyone else in your life. One of those ways is to reach out.
00:21:01
Speaker
and ask for help. There are people that are wanting to help you out, wanting you to succeed. You have to put yourself and be kind to yourself. Be okay with being vulnerable. Be kind because it took a long time for me to understand being kind to people because I wasn't kind to myself either. That would be the advice I would give. Just, you know, as far as your dreams go, like things are going to work out. Maybe not the way you want it to.
00:21:32
Speaker
but make space for the people in your life who love you and love them back. Hard. That's good. I might come up with more stuff later. Yes. I can't. Yeah, he's just... It's a weird thing having a kid and realizing it's like, oh my God, that's my kid. I've never felt comfortable around people. He's just my kid, you know? So it's weird to have that level of like connection with another person.
Overcoming Fears and Cultivating Joy
00:22:01
Speaker
never felt fully open or vulnerable. And with him, it's like, I have to be, he sees right through me and he is a lot of me. What about you? What would you say? Young Z. I know exactly what I would say. It's it's what I've been working on in therapy for the past two years is cultivate, cultivate your joy.
00:22:23
Speaker
There are some people who will never know what brings them joy, what their passion is. And I have known for so many years and denied myself of that. Be simply out of fear, out of, you know, fear.
00:22:39
Speaker
Fear of, can we get more more specific? I mean, fear of rejection, fear of, you know, failure, but also even like laziness, fear of like, oh, this is going to be hard. Yeah. A fear of like inconvenience, a fear of missing out or losing out on, you know,
00:23:00
Speaker
experiences in life because I'm grinding so hard. I don't know, but I would say to myself who just had a baby for the very first time, I would say cultivate your joy because when you do, everyone around you, especially your baby, will benefit.
00:23:19
Speaker
you will be the best version of yourself you will have more love to give you will be happier you'll have it it's it's overflowing because you didn't sacrifice your own joy right when you cultivate your own joy everyone else around you is positively affected by that and and that's what i was scared of like okay if i choose me if i choose to be selfish and choose my dreams
00:23:45
Speaker
Then my son is going to suffer because of it because I chose myself and not right and that's actually a Lie. Yeah, it's a lie. There's space. I know now there's space and also it is my duty to be a good example to him and my daughter and show them that when you deny yourself of your joy and
00:24:07
Speaker
of who you really are, your life's purpose, then it's a disservice to yourself and your loved ones. And it's kind of like a slap in the face, an insult to this, whatever this joy is that was given to you, a gift, right?
00:24:25
Speaker
And yeah, so that's what I would say.
Dreams vs. Societal Stability
00:24:29
Speaker
And I'm realizing that now because the more I go on TikTok, the more I post, the more I sing, the closer I get to them, the happier I am with them, the more quality time I get to spend with them because I'm not resentful that like,
00:24:45
Speaker
my life sucks and I didn't do anything for myself. I took the time and I invested in myself so that when I feel my cup is filled, it overflows to them. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I think the main reason a lot of people also, and you can disagree if you want, but it's the idea that
00:25:09
Speaker
of trying to make a living and you have to make a living and everything has to be stable. The pursuit of that stability and the pursuit of monetary gains takes up so much of our bandwidth told that we need to have this quality of life and this is what we need to own and this is what we need to drive and this is where we need to live. As fortunate as we are to be where we're at, it is hard for a lot of people. It is very, very difficult.
00:25:36
Speaker
My advice to those people would be that's where I don't know really what to say because there's a lot of people that don't have the people in our lives and the things that we do. So if there are people like that. It's true that everybody has the same privileges that we have in order to say, hey,
00:25:57
Speaker
Go ahead and live your dreams. It's literally like a matter of, can you pay the rent? Can you put food on the table for some people? And I recognize that that's a privilege that I've had all my life to know that I will never go hungry. I will never be homeless because I have so many people in my life that care for me and not everyone is blessed with that privilege.
00:26:20
Speaker
So I wanna recognize that and you're right. There are people who literally have lived out of their car to make their dreams a reality. I'm not saying that everyone has to do that, but I wanna recognize that people do do that. We didn't have to do that. I make a conscious decision. To not live out of your car. I don't want to do that. But I do know that if I want to cultivate my joy, there are some,
00:26:49
Speaker
There are some sacrifices and what I mean by sacrifices is not like denying myself of anything. It's like what healthier choices can I make? What better choices can I make? I could either sit on my phone on social media for an hour or I can actively go and journal for a little bit and write some lyrics or I can learn to play guitar a little bit better for an hour every week.
00:27:13
Speaker
And I'm I'm I confess I'm not doing those things right now. I am vegging out on my couch and falling asleep because I'm so tired from my day job, which I really love. But it's not my life's calling. I'm good at it. It's not my life's calling. It's a choice. And you can only go as far as like you'll
00:27:34
Speaker
let yourself go basically, right? Like I see you put in the work and struggle and like drop everything that you have, your commitments to go to a callback or an audition that comes up last minute. And for some people, including myself, the thought of that, that instability, that uncertainty is like, I don't know if I could handle that stress. I don't know if I want to put myself through that and have to race across town and go through traffic.
00:28:00
Speaker
to go and possibly get rejected. But that is your life. That's your life. You choose that. You choose to go through that nightmare traffic to go to that super small stuffy space where everyone's sitting or you don't have a seat and everyone looks like you and you're all
00:28:20
Speaker
competing for the same role. And you don't know whether or not your value, your worth, your self-esteem is challenged every day. And that is a life of a working actor in LA. But I gotta say to that, one of the things that have helped me out tremendously is understanding that you spend a lot of time feeling like it is a competition.
Community Building in Acting
00:28:41
Speaker
It really isn't. To the outsider, it feels like a competition. And for a long time, it felt like a competition.
00:28:46
Speaker
We were talking about there's space in our lives for other things. Even in the acting world, there's space, maybe not for everybody, but the more you can build a community even within those people that are going through the same things you are.
00:29:01
Speaker
Nobody's going through it more or less, and we're all going through the same things. As soon as you can relate to that on that level, I think that kind of helps balance a lot of things out mentally, especially in this grind. It's just a matter of balancing and being kind to yourself, being realistic in the sense that there is space to grow and find your joy, like you were saying. And that's super important.
00:29:25
Speaker
Yeah, and to add to that, you know, we were talking about how the way we were brought up is all about sacrifice, right? You're not doing it right as a parent or as a wife or husband if you're not sacrificing and realizing that's programming.
Unlearning Sacrificial Family Roles
00:29:40
Speaker
Yeah, that we have to unlearn. Yeah.
00:29:43
Speaker
And we have to write our own program. We do not have to follow what was written by someone else who isn't living in our shoes today. We can write our own book. We can write our own manual handbook and make healthy, good choices for ourselves, for our kid. And yeah, we don't have to follow social norms even. It would go even further.
00:30:10
Speaker
Before we got married and when I found out I was pregnant, I would say, Z, you don't have to marry Jim. You guys are good friends. You will support each other. I trust that he will be there for your kid. You don't need to get married. Would that be the advice we would give to our younger versions as a couple, right?
00:30:37
Speaker
I agree. Well, Jin and Zee now as good friends. Travel back in a time machine. That would be the advice. Us now. The advice from Jin and Zee now. Friends divorced now. Years later. How old are you again? Doesn't matter. How dare you? We don't talk about these things, okay? 39 and 38. Damn you all. Yes.
00:31:06
Speaker
I think we would tell them, we would call them up on the phone and be like, shut up, stop worrying. I would say we would time travel, fuck the phone, we'll time travel to that Christmas Day, announcement day, when we announced to the whole family, we'd bust through the door, be like, hold on.
00:31:29
Speaker
And then talk to, talk to us. I would go, I would go even further back. It was the day that I found out and I called you and I was like, I'm pregnant. We're getting married, right? Hold on. I'm getting another call. And then like, it would be like, hello, who's this? I was like, it's me, bitch. Open the door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And it would be me and you standing at the hotel, like stop what you're doing. I know you're going to tell Jin.
00:31:55
Speaker
that you have to get married, we're from the future, you don't. Like ask yourself why. Ask yourself why do you need to get married? You don't. Think about this. But I feel like your stubborn ass would probably not even listen to your older stubborn ass.
00:32:13
Speaker
No, that's actually not true because the day that I found out I was pregnant, my eldest sister, who is my mentor, she literally said like, go to sleep tonight and have a conference, like a round table with all the different Zandis in your body, in your mind, in your heart. Yeah.
00:32:31
Speaker
and talk to them and ask them what to do. And when you wake up, you will know what to do. So if an actual fucking physical version of myself came to my door, I'd be like, yes, whatever you say, yes, I believe you, okay, great. Yeah, that would probably freak me out as well. And then I'd be like, damn, you look good, girl. To yourself, and then you would remember yourself saying that to yourself when you time, that'd be so crazy.
Advice from Future Selves
00:32:56
Speaker
Yeah, so I think I'd kind of agree with you there.
00:33:00
Speaker
We'd have to sit ourselves down and talk it out and then get us together and be like, do you really want to do this?
00:33:09
Speaker
You know, and I think that sort of guidance is kind of what I was talking about earlier. Once we actually did get married, man, we're all the people that we could like defer to or ask questions from. And that's cool that your sister did that because she was always very, very like progressive thinking about those things and the way she put things. I remember the first time I had kind of like a mini therapy session with her and the way she was talking about things and addressing my younger self, I was like,
00:33:36
Speaker
What kind of hippy dippy bullshit is this? Yeah, new age. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, it's like, that's how kind of everyone. She's very advanced. Very. Before her turn. Yeah. And also, I want to know that my uncle, my dad's brother, who's a Jesuit priest, emailed me and heard that we were getting married. And I remember his really heartfelt letter, his email, his electronic mail, if you will. Was it to your AOL account?
00:34:08
Speaker
He said, I mean, he's a priest. He's a Filipino Catholic priest who literally said, you don't need to do this. Don't rush into something that you're not ready for. You know, you don't need to do this. And I was like, thanks for looking out for me, but I'm pretty sure I want to marry him. Thanks. Bye.
00:34:31
Speaker
I was not ready for that. I mean, maybe I was, but I was forcing you definitely who was not, who's clearly not ready to do that. And I was like, you better, you better. Yeah, I was like, oh, you have a whole family and a support structure and you're raised so well, of course, she knows what's good for me and therefore I got to do the right thing.
00:34:54
Speaker
And there is, you know, there's there are better decisions. There's no right or wrong. There's definitely higher percentage choices, better decisions you can make. But, you know, you're not capable of understanding that when you're 26 and freaked out about everything. Yeah, you can make a less ideal decision, but it might be better for you in the long run. You just don't know.
00:35:15
Speaker
And not knowing is the scariest part, I think, just existence. And I will add, not knowing is the scariest part.
Importance of Self-Love and Confidence
00:35:22
Speaker
And to counter that, you can confidently walk through life, even in the face of uncertainty, if you love yourself and you're enough for yourself and you know who you are. But we as a 25 and 26 year old couple did not know who we were. Absolutely not. And I can say with confidence now,
00:35:44
Speaker
that we know who we are and we can confidently walk through life even in the face of uncertainty. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or even five years from now. And I love life. I love myself. I love my family. I love where I'm at and I'm embracing every aspect of life and I'm so grateful, walking in gratitude. It took so long to get here, but I'm happy and I'm happy that I made it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:36:14
Speaker
And for me, happiness is a daily choice I'm trying to make. Sometimes I struggle more, sometimes I struggle less. But I understand that aiming for your dreams, you just kind of have to have a general compass of where you want to be, ideally, and then make room for everything else in your life as well, including chasing your joy.
00:36:33
Speaker
You mean it's not always about you? Is that what you're trying to say? I think that I don't know. I might have heard this somewhere once or twice, but sometimes it's not always about you. Hope you learned something from us. Till next time, thanks for joining us on We Used to Be Merry. Bye.