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Ep 02: Why Did We Get Divorced?
92 Plays1 year ago
In this episode, we discuss the events leading up to our marriage, and our impending divorce. You'll get the tea on all the details and also the revelations we've had since everything happened all those years ago. Maybe it'll be enlightening to you, maybe a little sad, but overall, this episode will hopefully provide hindsight and clarity to our listeners! Cheers and enjoy!
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Growth
00:00:00
Speaker
Do with our hands this is there. Oh, there's a fly Go right in my mouth. No Hi, everyone. Welcome to then Austin. Yes one Hey, everyone. Hey guys, welcome to we used
00:00:15
Speaker
Hey, everyone. Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode two of We Used to Be Married. We still don't have a jingle. We don't. We're going to work on that, though. It's going to come soon.
Relationship History Overview
00:00:31
Speaker
So this is a story about two hot ass college kids who dated. Broke up. Dated again. Broke up again. Had a baby. Got married. And got divorced.
00:00:43
Speaker
And we're still friends. For now. Sometimes. Sometimes, yes. Most of the time, yes. So how was your week so far? Amazing. Yeah. Literally, I'm amazed. Really? Yeah. That's great, man. I am having a good week as well, I think. Oh, great. Nice. Put her there. Here's to a great week. All right. Making it through.
00:01:10
Speaker
Um, so what are we talking about today? Today is a very special episode. Yes. First of all, it's number two. We made it to the second one. Um, we have two mics now, um, one for every viewer. And so hopefully we will be adding mics, more mics, a thousand mics.
00:01:32
Speaker
Why do we need a thousand mics? We don't need a thousand mics, but it'd be nice to have a thousand viewers. That'd be great. Yeah. So what are we talking about today? So today is very exciting.
Reasons Behind Divorce
00:01:41
Speaker
We are going to be talking about why we got... Wait, can we...
00:01:49
Speaker
One, two, three. Why did we get divorced? One more time. Why did we get divorced? Ayon, cheers. Cheers. Okay. Man. That's an easy answer, you know. Very simple answer. You know, I can tell you that because you sucked. Because you got cancer.
00:02:31
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's a little more complicated than that, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. All right. So I thought today we would maybe hear each other's perspective. So take me through what that was like, our marriage and what what your experience was, what you you were feeling, what you recall up until we decided to get divorced. Wow. OK. And then and then it'll be my turn. So I'll tell you. OK. That's the most important part.
00:02:37
Speaker
at being a husband.
00:02:59
Speaker
I feel like I know your part already, but maybe we'll come to some sort of understanding between the two of us. Maybe we'll uncover something you didn't know. Yeah, maybe you will discover something you didn't know. Right. This is actually not a discussion we've had before, so this is going to be very interesting. I'm excited. Buckle up. We are going to time travel now back to 2009. Nine.
00:03:31
Speaker
This is what happened the day after we got married. Maybe not the exact day after. So we got married on April 4th, 2009. That is our anniversary was and it was a very interesting time for me. It was I would say our marriage lasted just shy
00:03:57
Speaker
of three years. That first year of marriage, wow, what an interesting time. So I was an actor, still I'm an actor. Just starting out, right? Yeah, just starting out back in the day. And so I was kind of busy with that. I just booked my first national, you know, I had made a little bit of money, but then I spent it all because I was thinking, oh, this is going to be so easy and it's not, there's a whole learning process and it's a lot of work.
00:04:24
Speaker
dedication. I love it. Still to this day. And we got married. I was basically broke, had a baby on the way. And that first year was really rough for me. It was a lot of adjusting. You had moved into my apartment in Mar Vista. We had roommates.
00:04:45
Speaker
Yes, at that time. Oh gosh, I should have kept that apartment. So we had moved in for a few months and then got a place of our own in Marvista. And Marvista was a great little place on the west side. Still is. Yeah, still is. Now it's all gentrified and so you can't afford anything anymore. Some people can. Some people can, yeah. So we were living there and that first year was really rough for me mentally and emotionally.
00:05:12
Speaker
because I was still processing our actual breakup. We had a really bad breakup and you moved to New York and I think it was a whole movie scene where I was crying. You were at the bottom of the escalator as I ascended up to my gate. You escalated up the escalator.
00:05:33
Speaker
Yeah. And I was seeing you off and I was just bawling or it was raining. I'm not sure. I was just raining on my face. It was so sad. I still remember that. It was just like such a K-drama moment. Yeah. Anyway, so broke it up. You go. We didn't really, you know, talk for a while and then we talked and then it was just a lot of, you know, hard feelings to deal with. So that was the first year just dealing with that and like, you know, with the fact that I resented you.
00:06:01
Speaker
There was a lot of resentment there in the first year. There wasn't any healing or closure with that. No, not at all. It was like, oh, we're pregnant. That means we should probably get married. Yeah. And then just everything is fine. You get married and that's it. You just figure it out because that's what that'll fix everything. That's what our parents did. That's what America does. And gosh, darn it. It was good enough for us. It wasn't. And but, you know, got through that first year, went on a few auditions here and there, but mostly worked at night. So that first year was kind of figuring out the flow.
00:06:30
Speaker
Um, you know, I worked at night, you worked during the day. Um, you know, so he kind of switched off shifts. And yeah, we hardly saw each other. Yeah. Ships passing in the night. It was a, it was a lot to deal with. Um, but in my mind, you know, I was like, okay, cool. Well, we figured out some sort of pattern. So the second year was kind of like a little bit better. You know, I hadn't dealt with all the prior trauma, but I was just kind of like, okay, cool. Well, we're coexisting and I think we're doing okay. And then the third year, that was rough.
00:07:01
Speaker
I think it was like March or April. I'm smacking really loud. So that third year, um, uh, Zanny gets diagnosed with breast cancer, uh, in, it's like March or April. Yeah, we don't have to go through the detail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She got, she, well, she didn't get cancer. We just had lumps. And then we're like, don't say we.
00:07:24
Speaker
Please don't say we. Okay, fine, I won't. You got the cancer. Thank you. Thank you. You had the lumps. You didn't have no breasts. I did not have any breasts. I had the breasts. Yeah. So anyway, she got diagnosed with breast cancer. And listen, I'm a barely working
00:07:43
Speaker
Uh, restaurant, you know, server at night broke. I got a one and a half year old child at home. I got a, now a wife with breast cancer stage. This is where we insert the vitamins. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Um, this is for stage three. Okay. So it wasn't.
00:08:13
Speaker
I'm gonna smack you. Stage 3 is very aggressive. Stage 4 means it hasn't metastasized to any other part of the body.
Personal Struggles and Coping
00:08:23
Speaker
The only place it had moved to were the lymph nodes. So anyway, here's the thing.
00:08:31
Speaker
Looking back, it's just details really stand out to me, but I don't really know how to deal with anything. I just did not. So I kind of checked out. I definitely checked out. I missed a bunch of appointments, a few more appointments and stuff like that. And my thing was, here's where my head was at.
00:08:58
Speaker
not for somebody is just looking back. This is where I was. Just the facts. Yes officer immediately. In my mind I figured hey if I work keep
00:09:09
Speaker
the rent paid and groceries and whatever, the necessities, that's kind of how I was present to me. Because that's kind of the example that I grew up with. My parents were there physically, yes. They provided clothes and stayed in shelter. And it was all fine, but they weren't present. And I didn't have an example of what that meant. I didn't know what it meant to be like, oh, something's going on with someone
00:09:38
Speaker
in my family, I should drop everything and be there for them. And that's not something in my mind that made sense to me because... It was never modeled to you. It was if something went wrong with me. This is just an example of how my brain works. I got hit by a car riding my bike to school in the infant brain. Instead of calling my parents, which a normal kid might do, I just went to school because I didn't want to get in trouble by my parents because I knew it would be an inconvenience. So I was bleeding.
00:10:07
Speaker
sitting in my homeroom fifth grade class and the teacher was like, are you okay? And I clearly wasn't. I got run over by an SUV, but I dragged my ass to school and I was sitting there bleeding. So that's kind of my background on trauma and what I felt like my value was to my parents. They provide me with things, therefore I shouldn't inconvenience them. A lot of times I was making
00:10:31
Speaker
feel that way. Sure. So that was kind of where I was coming from. And so I just was like, work, you know, and and I just provide just provide and that's right stability. That's all it was. You know, so, you know, that's kind of long and short of it. And I don't know, like, I would look here what you have to say on, you know, what you observed.
00:10:53
Speaker
Of course. Well, just to close up your story, your chapter. That chapter, yeah. Right. So you didn't show up and I had had enough of that and eventually came to you and said, this isn't working out. I'm leaving you. Two days before what we had been through. Right. But we didn't really spend that much time together. No, we didn't. Yeah. It's just kind of sad, like in retrospect, like, oh man. Yeah. Can you tell me how you received that?
00:11:22
Speaker
What were your feelings if you can recall when I asked you, or not asked you, I told you that I was leaving? Yeah, I think initially it was shock. And it gave way to rage pretty quickly. And then just sort of reservation. I just kind of
00:11:45
Speaker
Checking out, obviously, is something I'm kind of familiar with. So I was like, okay, great. Yeah, okay. And the thing is, in my mind, too, I had a five-year plan. So one of my things, and I think we talked about this, maybe I touched on it before, is that in my mind, I was like, I'm gonna work hard, I'm gonna make the money, I'm gonna book jobs, and in five years, I want you to be able to pursue your dreams as well.
00:12:12
Speaker
Well, you basically said, I'm going to get my big break in five years. That's my goal. And then once I get my big break, it'll be your turn to pursue your acting career. Because I did put mine on hold. Absolutely. And that was kind of like my way of being like, all right, cool. Let's compromise this. Five years. Wow. Yeah. Can you imagine?
00:12:33
Speaker
The funny thing is, literally as we separated through that process, I booked my first major TV role and recurring TV role, and the next two years was really great. Is this where we insert it? We insert your cameo right here. Can we do that?
00:12:51
Speaker
Oh, do you know how to do that? I guess we can be right here. Yeah your first I'll show my carpet You read carpet photo with your crutches. You broke your leg wakeboarding Yeah, like week after I took you off my entry. That was right. Yeah
00:13:09
Speaker
Yeah. Um, so that was the whole thing with, with the divorce. Um, yeah, it was rough. I did not handle it very well. And, you know, because I thought I had a plan that I was working towards, it didn't make sense to me. I was really angry that you would just be like, all right, cool. Especially because I was like, you know, you're getting better and I, you know, you have people around you that were.
00:13:32
Speaker
You know, really taking care of you. And I, in my head, I'm like, well, she's clearly good with that. And then so when you said you wanted to separate, like a small part of me, I think felt relief because of the pressure being kind of alleviated. But I think a lot of it was just disappointment and resentment because I'm like, how dare you?
00:13:54
Speaker
after the things you've done to me in the past has been unresolved trauma. Fuck you, are you serious? And all the steps that you thought you were taking to create stability and to show up in your own way. You kind of was a surprise, is that right? Oh, absolutely. So it was the last kid tornado of emotion. Right. I was like, yeah, you're not really doing it for me. So that's kind of a segue into my side of the story, which was basically, you know,
00:14:22
Speaker
First of all, getting married was a knee-jerk reaction. Let's face it, it was a product. It's a knee-jerk? Yeah, it was. There are things, more things that jerk than just a knee is like an elbow and a neck twitch and a back spasm of intermarriage. It's like, oh God. You will marry me. You must sign here, my love. Yeah. That's how I felt. Yeah. Cool. I felt strong armed. Well. I felt bamboozled.
00:14:52
Speaker
I felt horned and swaggled. That's it. So yeah, that was very much informed by my upbringing in the Christian church. You're going to say Filipino community. And Filipino community. So I felt a lot of pressure from my grandfather who was a pastor and basically said our child would be cursed if we did not get married because he
00:15:17
Speaker
We're not trying to have no Rosemary's baby. I've seen that movie when I was a kid. It was very traumatizing. We didn't want to curse the baby. We didn't want to. Antiprise or something. No. So we were like, well, we better get married then, right? So we had fornicated. Yeah, fornicated. It's just funnier that way. Okay.
00:15:37
Speaker
So then we went through with that. We had a little backyard wedding and all of our friends, bless them all, came together, hooked us up so that we could have the very nice intimate wedding that we had.
00:15:53
Speaker
I thought there was like close to 100 people. Yeah. Still, for an intimate wedding, I'm like, good on us. Yeah. Really made it happen. Thank you to everyone who made it happen, by the way. Yeah. I'd like to thank our sponsors. Sorry. Sorry to our pastor who gave us premarital counseling that actually was, I don't know, it didn't work. We had premarital counseling?
00:16:36
Speaker
Anyways, so on my end over here, yeah, what did you what did you just constantly feeling?
00:16:47
Speaker
I'm dissatisfied. Dissatisfied because I was not satisfied with my own self. Let's face it. I'm learning now through therapy that I just never felt good enough for myself. And so I always was seeking validation and seeing myself worth
00:17:03
Speaker
through my partner, whichever partner that was at the time, you, my husband, at the moment, at the time. And when you couldn't pull through, when you weren't present, that need of validation was not being met. And so I would either look for it in other places, in other people, whether it be other family members, friends, other people,
00:17:30
Speaker
Yeah, didn't work out. When you say other people, let's clarify. Would the word entanglement be an apt description for the validation you're seeking? Choose Jada. Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
00:17:56
Speaker
Yes. Yes. Let's keep it real right now. Let's explore this. A couple of weeks ago, when we were talking about doing this podcast, I told you that there were some things that you still didn't know about me. And if we were going to do this podcast together, I wanted you to know the truth straight from me. Yeah. Because I didn't want people coming out the woodwork to be like, hey, you think you know your ex-wife? World shaking. No.
00:18:25
Speaker
didn't shake your world. No, okay, fine. It didn't shake your world. It was a bit of a, it was just. Did it? Did it shake your world? You know, I'm going to say fundamentally for my past self who is still inside of me. Yeah. I'm sorry. I negated that experience for you. It's, it's, it's, uh, you know, at the end of it all, like I have to deal with it because there's nothing to deal with. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't change necessarily like how I feel about this and our friendship and
00:18:56
Speaker
Um, what we're doing right now, which I think is really valuable. What it does do is kind of inform certain things, you know, just, um, of, of past experiences. You know what I mean? That's what it is. Cause I'm like, these people, um,
00:19:13
Speaker
One of them I kind of figured I just thought it was kind of, you know, I was like, it's weird. She's hanging out with him a lot, but whatever. I mean, as long as she has someone to hang out with, that was cool. I'm not a very suspicious person or jealous person, which I never thought I
00:19:28
Speaker
was that not jealous guy, but I am apparently. And then the other one, that one was a bit of a shock. So viewers, there were two, two entanglements. Two entanglements. One for each year of our marriage. Right. Was it though?
00:19:44
Speaker
I don't remember how long they were. However, I do know that I hung out with these people in the context of groups actually. And then felt connected to this person because he was a male figure that actually cared about me and cared about my flight. Was present, was like, man, I wish I could take care of you. And I was like, I really wish you could take care of me too.
00:20:11
Speaker
because I'm not enough for myself and I don't know how to take care of myself. So all that to say is I had needs and I wasn't getting them met by you. Also, I probably didn't voice them specifically because I didn't know what they were. I don't think you had the tools. I was just as lost as you were. We both were lost. I had cancer and I did not know how to navigate that. I did my best.
00:20:34
Speaker
So basically, okay, so I feel like we've been meandering, right? No, no, I was getting somewhere. All right. Let me finish. All right. It's my turn still. So basically I had needs. I couldn't express them. I didn't know what they were. So I couldn't even ask for them to be met. And so I had expected you to basically read my mind. And when you didn't,
00:20:55
Speaker
which is healthy and normal and completely just part of every marriage that works out. Right, exactly. When you didn't, then I said, I'm outta here. Yeah. But I mean, you were out a couple of times. Yeah. A couple of times, you know, whatever. Sure. Yeah. We weren't really in it. Yeah. And that's the thing. We didn't really do stuff together. No. So on that third year,
00:21:22
Speaker
It was time to
Post-Divorce Growth and Reflection
00:21:25
Speaker
call it. Dealing with the cancer and the treatments, me not being there. It was a whole plethora of things. We had a lot of trauma. We had a lot of triggers. We had a lot of work that we needed to do, which I'm happy to say we've actually done in the last few years. You actually started your therapy journey.
00:21:46
Speaker
before I did and I just completed, not completed, but I'm on one year of therapy now. Yeah, that's right. I remember it was like six years ago, four or five years ago. I remember telling you about therapy and I just was on the west side now and trying to do a little bit better as far as being there and closer and all that stuff. I remember telling you about going through therapy and your response was
00:22:14
Speaker
very skeptical and even resentful. And I'm like, get real bro, you have responsibilities. You need to take care of your son. You can't be on this other planet. Yeah. Yeah. Like you thought I was in La La Land, like just, Oh, look at this guy, like mental health and self-improvement. And I didn't, you know, I remember that. I remember that. And I was like, I hope she finds inner peace.
00:22:40
Speaker
Right, which I have. Thank you. I'm on my own journey now, and now I can definitely appreciate that we can speak the same language now. Took me a few years.
00:22:53
Speaker
three years later. It took a few years for you to get to this point. How many years? Eight years later. Eight years later. But I think we all go at different speeds, and you having exited your second marriage,
00:23:13
Speaker
that's a huge deal. You got to figure out like, well, it's not that there's anything wrong with you per se, but like, you know, maybe those marriages weren't the fix all that we assumed that they thought it was going to fix everything. And that it was going to be like, Oh, we're a unit now. And that's the proper way to have a kid and bring this kid into the world. Right. Under the Lord of heaven. So if you were to ask
00:23:39
Speaker
Zandi and Jin from 2011 why we got divorced. What do you think we would say? What was the core? Because we were young dumb and full of cum.
00:23:56
Speaker
Right. That's what I was going to say. That's right. Cool. We're on the same page. Also, we didn't know ourselves. We didn't know we were holding a lot of trauma and baggage and we needed to work on ourselves in order to love each other. So first we needed to love ourselves, which we didn't at all. Now that we know what that really means.
00:24:19
Speaker
Yeah. And here's the thing. I think a lot of people, there are people that, whether because of their support system or because their third year of marriage wasn't interrupted by stage three breast cancer, can learn and grow past it. That's true. That's true. And so I don't want to sit here and say, oh, well, anyone that's doing what we did is going to ultimately fail because that's not the case. We were dealt a very unique set of circumstances.
00:24:47
Speaker
Absolutely. It exacerbated the situation really and we were lost. I did not know how to deal with cancer and I thought I knew what my partner should be doing.
00:24:58
Speaker
I didn't even know how to address his pain. I didn't even acknowledge his pain and grief and hurt of his own partner having cancer and not knowing what to do. I was consumed with my own journey and you should be focused on me too. And if I was someone that was in a semi-decent place, of course I would have been there for you because that would be the first instinct. But
00:25:20
Speaker
You know, being caught in this whole chaos of my inner mind and lack of perspective and lack of examples. I remember the first time, the first memory I have of being asked if I was okay was a really good friend of ours. And through this process, through the cancer and through the end of our marriage, she said, are you okay? Like, you're going through a lot. And I remember thinking to myself,
00:25:45
Speaker
That's bullcrap. I'm not going through anything. I'm just, I suck. And that's why this marriage failed and I couldn't be there for her. And it's like, I wrote myself off. Because you weren't the one with cancer. Yeah. And, and I knew I failed at whatever, you know, I was supposed to be doing. And a lot of it has to do with what we thought we were both supposed to be doing, what the other person was supposed to be doing. And looking back on that, I'm like, Oh man, if I can go back and answer that question again,
00:26:11
Speaker
definitely would have started this awareness journey earlier, but still I had to go through all the paces of being broke and then breaking my leg and then that didn't really end up so good. So I was a year not walking and not working and there was a lot of other stuff that ended up exacerbating
00:26:30
Speaker
the end of our marriage as well, you know? And me moving in really quickly with my next partner. Yes, yes. That was probably a lot to deal with at one time. And then finding out that you were pregnant with this child? Yeah, it happened really quickly. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, that's gonna be probably more information that we will talk about post-divorce. Of course, yeah. So why do we get divorced?
00:26:55
Speaker
If you ask Zandi today, it was because I was not enough for myself. And I entered the marriage in that state and I left the marriage in an even worse state of not loving myself and not being able to show up for myself and in turn not being able to show up for you, not being able to communicate what I needed. And I almost feeling just expecting you to read my mind. So yeah, that was bullshit. Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah.
00:27:24
Speaker
It's okay to talk, it's okay to ask for what you need and to work it out and say, hey, this is how I'm feeling. How do you feel about what I just said, about what I need? And then talk it through. Sounds simple, but it's actually not. No, because you have to be truthful with yourself. And I don't think a lot of people are either in a positive or negative way.
00:27:47
Speaker
delusional. Other people like myself have a hard time being vulnerable because to me being vulnerable means I'm inconveniencing someone. And being in that mindset, you don't get anything done. You can't help yourself. You can't help anybody else. And so, yeah, if you ask me now why we got divorces, because I had no capacity to think outside of my own
00:28:16
Speaker
self-preservation and not because I was just inherently selfish because I was so used to protecting myself in all stages of my life. And even after things, as an adult, are supposed to work out and you work towards things and they work out.
00:28:36
Speaker
I still couldn't see past a lot of the supposed inequities, things that were missing in my life. So it sounds like we both were, we couldn't step outside ourselves. Yeah. And I still deal with that for sure. Yeah. And I have to sit and literally count out the things that I am blessed with. And that's a tough exercise to do, but yeah. It's a learning process. Yeah.
00:29:05
Speaker
And you know, I'm just grateful that we're here today and that we can talk about it and you can be friends and we can co-parent and our son can see us thrive and move past that chapter of our lives because we've healed, not because we're sweeping it under the rug, but because we've addressed and we did the work. Cheers to our therapists and us doing the work.
00:29:36
Speaker
So the moral of the story and the moral of every single one of our podcasts is remember, it's not always about you.