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We Used To Be Married!
104 Plays1 year ago
We're Zandi and Jin. We were married for a bit. Then we got divorced. 10+ years later, we're doing a podcast together. Why? Tune in and find out!
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Transcript
Introduction: From Marriage to Friendship
00:00:01
Speaker
What's up, guys? Hey. This is We Used to Be Married. The inaugural first episode of our podcast. Yep. It's a story of two hot ass college kids who dated. Broke up. Dated again. Broke up again. Got a baby. Got married. Got divorced. And we're still friends. We're still friends. Come along for the ride. How did we do it? I don't know.
00:00:24
Speaker
I would want to know. Absolutely. Someone could have warned us about all the troubles that we're going to run into. But we're fine. We're fine. Everything's fine. I don't have a drinking problem.
00:00:34
Speaker
It's fine. I'm totally stable, working through everything in therapy right now. Oh my God. That's so great. Yeah.
Meet the Hosts: Andy and Jim
00:00:42
Speaker
So the, wait, my name is Andy. Oh, that's right. Our names are very important. My name is Jim. Yep. And, uh, we have a son. Yeah. Who is 12 years old. And, um, so that's kind of an interesting thing to be co-parents and still be young and hot. So that's also one of the reasons I still have to talk to this guy. Yeah. Cause I'm young and hot. No, because we have a kid together.
00:01:09
Speaker
But I'm not that young anymore. Absolutely not. But I feel young at heart. So. OK.
The Early Years: College to New York
00:01:16
Speaker
Yeah. So when did we meet? We met in 2003. That's our time traveling. 2003. 2003. Yeah.
00:01:27
Speaker
We were both super brown, dark tan, because he was surfing every single day. No sunblock, F sunblock, because I was 21. I didn't give a shit about sunblock, and you just went to Hawaii. Yeah, with my family, the only time I've ever been to Hawaii.
00:01:44
Speaker
Like she did not stop talking about Hawaii for the first, I don't know, like month that we met. I'm never going to the beach here because the Hawaii water is there. I'm like, why is it? I'm like, did you live in San Diego now? And she was talking smack about San Diego beaches so much. It's fine. Um, so yeah, we got hired.
00:02:02
Speaker
Oh god, this is so silly. The both of us, I mean, she's very responsible now. I'm pseudo responsible. I was able to keep a child alive for the first few years of his life. And we got hired as resident advisors on the campus of an unnamed
00:02:17
Speaker
University in San Diego in California. And we met as trainees at the RA program. And then we hit it off because we were both very brown. And we wanted to talk about how brown we were. No, that's not why. OK, that's not why. It was because Napoleon Dynamite had just come out, and we were sitting in a meeting. And all of a sudden, you said, my lips hurt real bad. Oh my god. I was like, oh, you watch Napoleon Dynamite.
00:02:46
Speaker
He's probably pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. And we wouldn't stop quoting from Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah. And then we'd start hanging out all the time. And then like one day, I don't know, like sparks flew or something. And in the form of her crying on my bathroom floor about her dad passing away. Sorry. To be fair. I was drunk. Yeah, that's true. I'm a lightweight. And he was like, try this blue stuff.
00:03:13
Speaker
Oh God, yeah, it was Alize. No, it was hurricane. Oh, it's where it came. Or Bacardi Hurricane. Yes. Yeah, you're right. It was like mixed drink already. You're like, it's good. Drink it. I'm like, okay. And it hit me really hard. I was laughing at one point and the next I was bawling on the bathroom floor because my dad had just passed away. Yeah, it was like the year before. But yeah, and somehow that was interesting to me. I said, she's damaged.
00:03:42
Speaker
I didn't consciously think that. Just looking back now and where my headspace was at, I'm like, oh crap. I was ready to involve myself in all kinds of stuff because that's what I needed in my life. I needed chaos. I loved chaos at that point.
Breakups and Rekindling Romance
00:04:00
Speaker
Um, yeah, so we dated and then we broke up and we dated and then um Yeah, but oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I met her family I I I don't have a good relationship with my family. That's something we're gonna you know touch upon I
00:04:16
Speaker
Just yeah, my family and I don't really see eye to eye on a lot of things. And she had a really tight family. You have five sisters. There are five girls, five girls and she has four sisters. Yes. So in a very, very like tight community, they're very supportive of each other. And I was just like, this is interesting to me. And I just didn't know why. And I just, you know, didn't have that support system.
00:04:33
Speaker
So they loved me. Well, they loved you because you didn't give up. You did not even try. Like there were other people who I dated who were like trying really hard to fit in. I didn't even try that. You didn't. I remember my mom coming over to your apartment, Kathmandu. And you weren't wearing a shirt. And you slapped my ass in front of her. Yeah. Oh.
00:04:59
Speaker
That's what I mean. He was not trying to be like clean cut, proper polite. He was authentically gin. Jesus. And I hate myself. These are the memories that I blocked out of my life. Um, but yeah, okay. That makes sense. All right. Yeah. So that's why, that's why they like me.
00:05:17
Speaker
I mean, part of three, I mean, I dated other people in college who were just extremely agreeable. Yeah, just, you know, like, you know, yeah, yeah, there's not there's not much to kind of like, I mean, you could tell you weren't really sure if it was authentic, or they were just trying to fit in and please people. And I had no idea how to fit in anywhere. So all I had to do was just kind of, okay, I'm gonna do this thing. And hopefully, people like me.
00:05:46
Speaker
how people did. Yeah, I feel like that's kind of how I live my life. So anyway, we broke up. Right. So kind of moving quickly through the story, we kind of dated off and on through college. And then we both graduated. Yeah, we both discovered acting. And so she decided to move to New York. And I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. But maybe I'll move to LA. And then we broke up. Didn't talk for a while.
00:06:07
Speaker
I was on tour with the 25th annual Putnam County Spelling Bee National Tour. We get it. You sing. We get it. I sing. I sang in a previous lifetime. And then I had to come back home for my sister's wedding. Yes. This is the fateful part of the story, my friend. So listen in closely.
00:06:28
Speaker
Yes, and I needed a ride from the airport to the wedding. Okay, let's also mix in the detail of the fact that I was also invited to her sister's wedding still, even though we were broken up. That's like kind of how, you know, like me and your family still got along. I wasn't all of a sudden uninvited because we weren't dating, you know what I mean? Wait, did you go? Are you there? Emotional damage!
00:06:58
Speaker
I crushed. I was on the dance floor drunk and I fell on. That's right. Sorry, I forgot. I think he was still very small and I fell on him.
Marriage and Unexpected Turns
00:07:08
Speaker
Yeah. I'm sorry. Wow, you just didn't.
00:07:12
Speaker
Oh, wow. Some things I don't remember. Yeah, yeah. OK, so I went to the wedding and I was like, you know, I think this is the first time really seeing you since you had moved to New York from San Diego. It had been months at least. It had been at least months. Because we also met up in Anaheim when I was in war. The cast went to Disneyland.
00:07:31
Speaker
No, but wasn't the tour after the wedding? Oh, no, it was mid tour. Yeah, she literally, thank you, best friend, for changing the date to coincide when I was allowed to leave tour. So they changed the date of their wedding so that I could be there. Oh, crazy. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, I went to the wedding and I was just kind of like,
00:07:52
Speaker
I lived in Mar Vista, which is pretty close to LAX, you know, on the west side. It's like, Hey, do you need a ride to the airport tomorrow? I invited you. No, I invited you because I was like strategically like, Oh, I would like to see her again with my ulterior motives anyway. Yeah. So, um, there's some discrepancy there on the details.
00:08:14
Speaker
But yeah, basically where she wanted to, she needed a ride. And then I was like, well, you should just stay over at my place. Cause I live like 10 minutes away from the airport and she agreed. And then, um, nothing happened. And then I drove her to the airport the next morning. And that was the end of the story. And in an alternate universe, but not this one, I did drive her to the airport the next morning. And then.
00:08:38
Speaker
And then a few weeks later when I was on tour in Phoenix, I fell asleep. The butthole of America. I don't know if it is. He said that. I did not say that. Listen, I went to Phoenix one time and it was not a great experience. I had a great experience. Yeah, great. Great. I didn't. I was walking around and a big lifted truck drove by and they said, Chink. And I said, Ooh. Oh, it was so fast. And I was just like, I'm not even Chinese. I can't even say anything because it's like I'm Korean.
00:09:13
Speaker
All right, great, so now you have on, you were on tour, and you were, okay, sorry, you were now at the Battle of America, Phoenix, Arizona, sorry. Long story short, I felt sick. Something's wrong with me. And then I walked a very long way to the nearest drugstore, like Juno. Oh my god. She like, Juno walked to the- Wait, did you walk by yourself? No, I had a friend, my roommate. She was the only one who knew at the time what was going on. And the test came back.
00:09:31
Speaker
So that was my experience with Phoenix, Arizona.
00:09:42
Speaker
Negative. Positive. Positive. I was wrong on that one. I called them and I was like, guess what? Pregnant. So that means we're going to get married, right? And I said, good luck with that. Click. In an alternate universe. Just kidding. I said, hey, oh, this is, oh, wow. OK, whatever you want to do. I'll support your decision. In the back of my head, I'm like, you should probably get a schmarsh. So glad we didn't. I didn't.
00:10:12
Speaker
Cause our homeboy is pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. We got a good kid. Yeah. So yeah, we had a kid, then we got married shortly thereafter. Yeah. Cause her grandfather. Rest in peace. Yeah. Oh yeah. Last year.
00:10:28
Speaker
uh rest in peace said during one um oh during our announcement we announced to the family because at this point that um zandy had decided to keep the kid and i said okay cool i'm here for you i didn't know in what capacity i would be but when her grandfather sat us down at christmas uh gathering and told us your child will be born out of wedlock he will burn in the fires of hell no he didn't say that he said cursed
00:10:57
Speaker
Oh, I'm so sorry. Because that's so much better. Bornicated. Bornicated outside of wedlock. He would be cursed. And in my 20 mid something mind, I was like, Oh, God.
00:11:10
Speaker
We don't want that. Can't have that. Nope. Nope. I don't like having girls. Let's go get married. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go get married. So we put together a backyard wedding. Yeah, but it was a very beautiful backyard wedding. Thank you. Yes. That was in San Diego. Excellent. Yeah. So yeah, we did that then.
00:11:29
Speaker
Yeah. Got married, moved to LA at my old apartment. Then we found a place of our own. Then...
Challenges: Cancer and Strain
00:11:36
Speaker
Two years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage three breast cancer. Oh, stage three. I thought it was stage four. Three. God, so it wasn't even that serious.
00:11:49
Speaker
Jokes. It's jokes. We're good now. Stage three. Okay, yeah, stage three, breast cancer. And it was tough. I'm alive. She's alive. She's not a ghost. Yeah, you know, I had career wise, I'd chosen to be an actor. And so I was, you know, surfing a lot on the side. And
00:12:08
Speaker
going through my journey, you know, it was hard for me to be there for you, you know, way that I could have should have been. When you are a partner of someone who is diagnosed with cancer, oftentimes you feel helpless, one of one and a half year old, sorry, you know, and we're basically trading off like she'd work during the day, I would take care of Maxwell, and then I would go to work at night, she took care of him at night.
00:12:29
Speaker
And basically, you know, we had this sort of... So the marriage too was just out of a lot of necessity. You know what I mean? And once the breast cancer got diagnosed, you know, she was going through treatments and I was trying to work because that was in my mind what I could do to keep the, you know, roof over her head. And so I wasn't present a lot, you know, in terms of being able to be a caretaker. And then...
00:12:59
Speaker
Then I moved out. And then she moved out. Yeah. Separated after. It was like maybe a day or two before our third year anniversary. Yeah. Third year, fourth year. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. It was like third. So then I moved in with my sister and brother-in-law. And from that point on, things didn't go well. And then this... We also lived in Burbank with
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah, that's true. Her cousin. Oh yeah. That was after. Yeah. Yeah. So things kind of, she, treatment wise, she kind of went through a thing and, um, she was in remission and then you moved to Burbank with your cousin and she. And then I started dating
Separation and New Beginnings
00:13:38
Speaker
again. Yeah. That was super great for me. Yeah. That made me feel so good. We broke up in April. Five months later, I met somebody. I met, I met.
00:13:52
Speaker
Yep, we're using real names the father of my daughter So then moved in with him. Uh-huh. We're using we've said those names we said Oh, yeah, you said You're right, I'm uh, we're establishing standards here, um, yeah, yeah, then I was in a really serious relationship and yeah really quickly and all of a sudden she's pregnant again, I was like
00:14:16
Speaker
Yeah. And the funny thing is, at that point, I think I was trying to figure out, oh, how to be there for my son, at least, even if I wasn't going to be able to be the living father. So I moved from Mar Vista prime location to the valley. So I could be, you know, by Burbank and close to the family.
00:14:39
Speaker
Then yeah, I broke my leg on vacation, which sucked. I broke my right femur and forth. Like right after I took you off of my insurance. Yeah. Yeah. And I actually, that's a whole nother story, but anyway, I broke my leg. Um, I was kind of, you know, still in the pattern of picking up maximum school and whatever. And then this one decides that her and her partner are going to move back to the west side. And I was subsequently stuck in the valley for about five or six years. Yeah.
00:15:06
Speaker
And if anyone knows anything about the valley, it's so shitty. I grew up in the valley. I mean, shout out to anyone that lives there. Good for you. Like, that's awesome. But it wasn't for me. It was not for me. So that was awesome. I feel like, yeah, you're definitely a West Sider. Yeah.
00:15:22
Speaker
That's where we started out. Yeah, Mar Vista. And it's so funny moving back to the west side in the last few years. I'm like that used to be the ghetto that used to be shit. You know, you can get a one bedroom apartment there for like under grand. And all of a sudden, like I drove down Venice Boulevard through Mar Vista. And there are dog bakeries. I know.
00:15:41
Speaker
It's so it used to just be the public library trendy like a hardware store and a bunch of homeless people. So super trendy. And now there's dog bakeries and like bike shops and bars and all this stuff. And I'm like, Come on, man. And it's it's it's impossible. It's like so expensive to live in LA. Right. But anyway, we digress. Yeah, we digress. So I was in that relationship for a good eight years. Beautiful daughter. Yes, lover to death. Yeah.
00:16:09
Speaker
and recently, in the last over a year. It's been over a year now? Yeah. Really? It's been a year and three, four months, so yeah. Yeah, so I'm out of that now. Yeah. And we're doing great also, also great co-parents.
00:16:27
Speaker
Yes. And that's great. But this podcast is about us. Yes. Anyway, there was some difficulties, I think co parenting, I think that was kind of the longest period of difficulties between three of us. And now that you're out of that marriage for the last year and year and three months,
00:16:47
Speaker
We're co-parenting again, we're kind of like, you know, figuring things out in terms of our friendship as well, which is awesome, because I'm able to now hang out with my son whenever I want. So now, you know, we're talking about a lot of things. Yeah, a lot of topics healing from a lot of healing.
00:17:03
Speaker
That's one of the main topics. And that's the reason we decided to do this podcast because a couple of times he came over to hang out with Max. We ended up talking after he went to bed and we had a lot that was not resolved and wasn't healed because we hadn't ever talked about it. We were never allowed to talk period. Yeah.
00:17:25
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, there's some details there. Okay. So just to give you an idea of how difficult things were to communicate with the mother of my first born and only born actually, and my son, I was not allowed to communicate with, uh, with Zandy.
Co-parenting and Communication
00:17:39
Speaker
Unless I looped in him, her new husband on every text thread and email or communication.
00:17:48
Speaker
And I was like, that's such a strange lead limiting and also slightly invasive, actually very invasive sort of, you know, authority to kind of put on us. So that was a lot of things that I had to deal with, you know, in terms of being able to co-parent. And I'm finally glad we're able to kind of... Right. And to be clear, I was on board with those things. Yeah.
00:18:10
Speaker
I was very much on board with being a united front and Parenting as you know this team and with your team. Yeah, like they need to yeah, right at the same time struggling with trying to um Not take sides and make it all about That was really taxing on me because a lot of our fights had to do with And with about you. Yes, and so
00:18:38
Speaker
and again i just want to say like because i eventually probably might see this he may or might not yeah and i also just want to say initially when she was i was about to say stepping outside of our marriage because technically we were still married our divorce wasn't finalized
00:18:54
Speaker
Okay, I'm gonna say that. We were separated. When she was stepping out of our marriage. Oh my god. Yeah. This is why I'm difficult. This is why I'm difficult because I made, I did make things difficult. I was, you know, schedule wise all over the place. I wasn't the most communicative. I wasn't the most available. And why? Because you're pursuing acting. No, because I was emotionally unavailable, scarred, and I went through a lot of damage and I did not know how to handle any sort of chaos in my life. That too. But also what you just said.
00:19:24
Speaker
So yeah. Auditions. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But here's the thing. It's funny you say that because back then, I was an audition. Like what I'm doing now in my career, I'm auditioning. Back then, I was like barely auditioning. I just was not able to process and handle a lot of the things that were going on. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. The truth comes out. Yeah. So this is why we're doing this podcast, because there is not one side.
00:19:48
Speaker
there's not only one side, and if anybody wants to hear about two people that are working through the sides and discussing things that maybe cause us pain, there's still probably a lot of things that we haven't discussed that we're excited to discuss, and we're finally both in a mental place where we want to.
Purpose and Future Topics
00:20:06
Speaker
And so that's kind of the journey here. That's why you should keep listening. That's why we invite you to keep listening because we're on this
00:20:15
Speaker
this journey of healing and part of that is sharing our story and maybe if you're going through something like this
00:20:23
Speaker
it might give you some hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel that you can still be friends with your you know your ex with your co-parent and you can do it in a healthy way and you can create boundaries for each other I mean like he has a partner yes and I love her years yeah and it's great we're friends and we can call each other we can
00:20:46
Speaker
hang out together, we can spend a holiday together. We can celebrate birthdays together. Yeah. And it's something that is nice to have that openness and support. It's about the support and knowing that you have people even the most unlikely in your life that are willing to cheer for you and be there for you. It's not easy. We're going to have difficulties.
00:21:15
Speaker
going forward. Because that's, you know, people conflict, you know, that's how you grow. But at the end of the day, I think the reason we're doing this too, is because we want to approach everything from a place of love, compassion,
00:21:33
Speaker
and compassion and empathy. And, you know, there are good things that are going to be difficult and, you know, wrong. And, you know, you might feel a certain way, but, you know, finding a place to be able to discuss it is the most important thing.
00:21:46
Speaker
So some of the things that are in store for this podcast for you as a listener are topics of divorce. What's that like? Yeah. What is it? How, what does that even entail? Um, co-parenting, obviously. Absolutely. Um, infidelity. And it's not going to be what you think.
00:22:09
Speaker
What do they think? How do you even know what they think? I don't know. I'm just saying. People think things and it's not going to be anything like they think. My life's a movie. That's it. That's all I have to say. My life is like a short film. Like a bunch of them because they take so many different turns and twists and they're not in the same genre. Maybe mine is like one of those like sagas like on TV that gets like an extended movie. What do you call those?
00:22:36
Speaker
what, like limited series or something like that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Mine's a bunch of shitty short films with bad audio, but it's interesting. You know, it's like early Robert Rodriguez films. It's just going to be like, you know, all kinds of interesting stuff happening. That's going to be my story. Um, we're also going to be talking about the Asian American experience because you're Korean and I'm Filipino. I was actually born in Korea. Um, Korean is my second language. She's born in Hollywood. She's an American. She's an American, but she's a Filipino American. That's right.
00:23:03
Speaker
Um, and we're going to be talking about cancer cancer. Yeah, that's a big one. That was a life changing experience. Yeah. Um, and your career.
00:23:12
Speaker
Career, acting wise, yeah. Acting wise, and also my career. Yeah, yeah, musically, being creatives in an uncreative or un... What is it like? It doesn't curate creativity life, just in general, how hard it is. Oh, dating is gonna be a huge one. Oh my God, she's finally on the date. Cause she didn't really date after me. She just kind of got married. I dated, like I kind of, you know,
00:23:40
Speaker
I were like, great. Nice to meet you. We're married. Yeah. Let's move in. How about a house together? This whole thing. Yes. And she's now newly on the dating scene. I don't know. In 2022 post COVID on apps. And it's like, it's not normal. Like, I can't, I don't envy her at all. And that's going to be a whole segment because I would love to hear all the juicy things. And I want to help lift you up. I want to help you find someone, you know?
00:24:10
Speaker
Yeah, it's exhausting. It's so weird. Not only is it like all online, but then we're also coming out of a pandemic. So people are like, how do you even interact? How do you go out with each other? Obviously now things are slowing down in terms of COVID and the cases. So you can go out now, which is super weird for me.
00:24:32
Speaker
Um, but like you see someone wearing or not wearing a mask in a public space and like you're triggered literally one way or the other, you know, literally one of the first questions I asked is, are you vaccinated? Yeah. Yeah. If not.
00:24:45
Speaker
peace. Yeah, that's just me y'all. I know there's different opinions out there. And mine is the correct one. So um, okay. And we also, you know, just talking about things that we're learning today.
Reflection and Invitation
00:25:00
Speaker
Right about ourselves about each other about being parents about raising a middle schooler.
00:25:07
Speaker
He's going through puberty. And his first year of middle school was online school. That was real interesting, which I think for better or worse, it helped him kind of at least work through the workload that he got. Oh my God, kids have so much homework these days. His backpack is so heavy. Oh my God, I can't even carry it. It's over 16 pounds. Oh my God. My guts, my guts. So that is, we used to be married.
00:25:35
Speaker
We used to be married. We used to be married. That's very fucking true. And we still have a kid together. That did not disappear after we separated. He still exists. He's alive. Right. But what's unique about our experience is that we're still friends and we're still working through this together in a really healthy, amicable way. And we hope that you find that interesting. Yeah. Come along for the journey. It's pretty great. So tune in.
00:26:02
Speaker
Thanks for listening to our first episode. First episode. And, uh... What? Do we have a sign off? We do. Wait. Open your thing. Okay. In the meantime, I'll just smile. Okay. All right. This one. This one. Hold on, first one, okay? Today will be, thanks for listening. And remember, it's not always about you. It's us. Yeah. Peace.