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Ep 04: What Happened After
74 Plays1 year ago
We dive into the details of what happened after the separation and subsequent divorce. Enjoy the added visuals, effects, and other fun thoughts as you watch the bijoe.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'We Used to Be Married'
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome to We Used to Be Married. It's a story about two hot-ass college kids who dated. Broke up. Dated again. Broke up again. Got pregnant. Got married. Got divorced. And we're still friends. I am Jen. And I'm
The Divorce Maze: Legal Hurdles and Realizations
00:00:18
Speaker
Zandi.
00:00:18
Speaker
And we are on episode four. What happens after? Yeah. After getting divorced or at least like at least like filing the paperwork or even like saying like, I don't want to be with you anymore. Yeah. I'm teasing out. Yeah. That was a few months in between. I think that was like took a really long time for the actual divorce process because I didn't know how to file paperwork and I used legal zoom and that was a waste of money.
00:00:44
Speaker
I ended up going to the court and just going to the self-help clinic where they were like, this is how you fill out paperwork. It was hard, actually. Yeah. No, I remember it being a very long process, but it seemed like we were going on with our lives as if the divorce was already just done. In my mind, it was because I don't like people. Oh, really? Because you said...
00:01:06
Speaker
What did I
On Paper vs. Reality: Emotional Complexity
00:01:07
Speaker
say? You said that we were still married and technically. Technically, yes. But you just said right now, though, that we were done as if it was already done. Yeah, but it wasn't, was it? There can be two things. Whose children are those? I don't know. I would hate to have kids. Never have kids. Yes, I know I said that, but also two things can all be simultaneously occurring at the same time. I think it's a physics thing.
00:01:33
Speaker
Yeah, so, you know, contradictory, hypocritical. Okay, so that's fine here on this podcast. Yeah. All right. It's honest. Okay. Authentic. Authentic. And I think in the moment, you know, we say things and sometimes it's for laughs and other times it's for real feelings. Which one is which on this one here? Do we know? This one is the real, real feelings. That one was for laughs last time.
00:02:00
Speaker
This is not sponsored by White Claw. No, it is not. And this is another White Claw that I think you should try. It's called the Surf and they have different flavors. The reason I stopped drinking White Claw the original pack is because it kind of tasted like medicine-y. But this one, the Surf blend, this one's a tropical pomelo smash. They kind of did better with the flavors.
00:02:22
Speaker
You know what I mean? More citrusy. It tastes better. Okay. Back to what happens after. Yes, that is the story. So I think we're traveling back to 2012. Okay.
New Beginnings: Life after Divorce and Cancer
00:02:36
Speaker
Yeah. So I guess technically... So I started a new life in like five or six months. What did you do? Isn't that crazy? What did you do? You just started a new life.
00:02:47
Speaker
Yeah, you know, you know, I would, my mind, my train of thought, my perspective was I just had cancer and I survived it and I wanted to carpe diem, you know, seize the day and be happy. So I had just almost died. That's how I thought about it. I survived and I got out of a marriage that wasn't fulfilling. So why not go find
00:03:14
Speaker
Find life. Find joy. Find happiness. Through marriage. Through marriage, the thing that didn't make you happy. A partnership, for sure. Because I, yeah. Yeah. I mean, technically, I didn't actually get, like, have a wedding. We were domestic partners, so I never actually got married. Again, really? You didn't. But. Okay.
00:03:40
Speaker
I mean, for all
Complexities of Separation Paperwork
00:03:42
Speaker
intents and purposes. To get a dissolution of a domestic partnership is the same paperwork as a divorce. Oh, it sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, it's great. So you just kind of entered into a situation that required the same... More paperwork. More paperwork. Okay. So at least... I didn't know that that was going to happen. Yeah, but at least you had a wedding. At least we had a wedding. So that's something, right? I bought a house in my second one. Yeah, I bought a house. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, good for you.
00:04:14
Speaker
What did I do? I basically kind of went on a bender. I'm still on a bender. No, I think I spent the next few months just kind of like trying to not date.
Seeking Validation vs. Emotional Connection
00:04:30
Speaker
I wasn't dating. I was just kind of like having physical relations.
00:04:35
Speaker
seeking physical relations and validation through physical intimacy because it, I think that was kind of my go to like for affection instead of true affection, true mental health is what physical touch. No, absolutely not. What is it? Service quality time.
00:04:56
Speaker
access service and quality time actually both both of those things um yeah so i i think i just spent the next few months kind of trying to seek validation because i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do was i supposed to try to get you back that was like the first thing i think that was the first thing that caused a lot of problems it did it did because i was like oh wait this is the when in the in the movies a man
00:05:24
Speaker
because our marriage was so much like a movie yeah that's a really bad movie it was yes so yeah that's that was kind of my first thing but then you know obviously that didn't really work out for either of us i feel like not i feel like that was a no thank you yeah still no thank you
00:05:59
Speaker
Um, yeah. So, uh, right. And it's like, you enter a different part of your life, especially having, um, a kid and being married and now divorced. It's like, well, what's next? Because in life, especially in your twenties, you just, you think, you know, things and you don't, and then you go through things that you didn't expect to go through. And then you're like, well, what now? So that's kind of where I was at. So anyway, I was like, what, 30, 31. Yeah. 31 going on 31. And I started dating a 21 year old.
00:06:29
Speaker
What was that like? That was, you know, confusing. Because in my mind, I'm like, we're not that much younger. But then when you really think about it, 31 versus 21, it's a few things that you learn in life.
Brief Relationships: Confusion and Validation
00:06:44
Speaker
It's a decade. You try to think that you're still in your 20s, or you're just in your late 20s, and everyone's kind of the same. It's like,
00:06:50
Speaker
No, it was it was more of a more of a mental and emotional validation for me being like, I still got it. I'm still desirable. So that was kind of that was actually a pseudo relationship that lasted like three or four months.
00:07:05
Speaker
You also created a web series called We Used to Be Fathers. We are fathers. We used to be fathers. We are fathers. All our kids are dead. That's awful. That's the follow up. That's awful. That's awful. We are fathers and we used to be fathers. Horrible. So what is We Are Fathers about?
00:07:31
Speaker
That was a six or seven episode thing that lives on YouTube called We
Turning Life into Art: Zandi's Creative Journey
00:07:35
Speaker
Are Fathers. And I wrote this very depressing story about a guy going through a divorce with a kid. Wait, it wasn't autobiographical? It was. It was based on my life. It was. It was based on my life, 100%. And so we wrote and produced and kind of made it more comedic and changed some details to make it more dramatic and comedic at the same time.
00:07:58
Speaker
because the thing I originally wrote was just depressing and I was going through a thing, you know? And I was like, why doesn't she love me anymore? Why? What did I do wrong? What did you do wrong? We don't, we won't rehash it. Listen, I think we already covered it. We did. We're like, watch episode three. Yeah.
00:08:15
Speaker
So yeah, so we did that, so that was kind of cathartic, you know? And that's what I spent the next couple years doing. And then I started dating that one very angry woman for a few years.
00:08:33
Speaker
for about five years. So essentially, I was also married for a while, domestic partnership. We lived together and it didn't work out as it turns out. Going from your 20s and your 30s and you figure some more stuff out about yourself. And I realized the partner that I ended up with after a couple of years, I was like, this is a very unhappy person. And when I had that realization, I was like, oh my God, I'm unhappy.
00:09:02
Speaker
I can't do this anymore. And my thing is though, I don't want to break up with people. I'm not good at that. So I get it to a point where the other person breaks up with me that way. I get to be a little heartbroken and not the bad guy. No toxic and manipulative. No toxic and manipulative.
00:09:28
Speaker
right it is and it isn't okay i don't actively make the other person's life miserable i'm just miserable so unfortunately that manifests itself but i don't know in in all honesty i don't know how to break up with someone i think that's kind of probably an issue too so yeah it's not that i make other people break up with me it's just i don't know how to pull the trigger on that yeah
00:09:50
Speaker
So yeah, that was kind of my post-marriage journey.
00:09:57
Speaker
hookups, drunken nights, a very young partner for a few months, then creating a web series, and then- You were on Arrested Development. You broke your femur. Yeah. Right after I took you off my insurance. Why? We talked about this on the other episode. Oh yeah, we did. Oh my God. You're sending me back. Trauma. Trauma.
00:10:26
Speaker
Yeah, so that was interest. So wait, it's a divorce. You started dating.
Achievements Amidst Adversity
00:10:31
Speaker
I booked my first TV gig, which was huge. So my first like, like you walked a red carpet with crutches. I did. Yeah, that was that definitely was enter, helped me enter a very rough period of my life to go like from a career.
00:10:45
Speaker
you know, milestone to physical injury, not being able to work or walk for a year and then having to take care of Max. And you couldn't actually try to. So I had to take him for a while because you couldn't, you weren't very mobile. Yeah. So that made you even more depressed, right? Then I drove for Uber for a little bit. It was a good learning experience. It was first, it was the first time where like app driving and all that stuff was a thing. So people were actually like made money initially because people were all excited about it. But after three months of having like strangers in your car, you're like,
00:11:14
Speaker
I have a question for you. Yeah. When did you realize like time to move on? I'm getting divorced or I am actually officially divorced now. Like I need to move on or I have moved on. When did that like I am divorced kind of sink in and settle for
Moving On: Realizations and Self-Improvement
00:11:33
Speaker
you? You told me that you were pregnant.
00:11:40
Speaker
I came over to your apartment. Yeah, you were like, and you sat down and stuff like that. Well, because I was picking up Maxwell from you. You had picked him up from daycare, and then I scooped him up afterwards. But I sat sometimes and chatted with you about TV shows and random things. And I was like, also, by the way,
00:11:56
Speaker
I'm having a baby. Yeah, yeah, I think that's kind of that was my big moment. I was like, all I could do from that point was try to be a little bit better, because I think that up until that point, I think I was kind of making things.
00:12:11
Speaker
Not easy for you in your life department. Intentionally? I just wanted to, you know, try. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's news. Yeah. That's like brand new to me. I did not know that. Yeah. You couldn't feel it, huh? I mean, I didn't know you were actively doing it.
00:12:31
Speaker
Yeah, I think I was half-assing it, which I think a lot of the marriage too was, that was a lot of the issue. I was kind of half-assing. I did not fully commit to this thing that was now my life, you know what I mean? Because you just think, oh, it's just a thing. It's just another part of my life. It's like, well, no, that's to be a majority of your life, especially when you're married. Yeah.
00:12:53
Speaker
I didn't do that. Sorry. Sorry. So a lot of things happened on your end and it wasn't it wasn't very like happy for a while. Right. You're pretty depressed for a while. And you went to therapy. How many years after we had divorce, did you decide to go to therapy? I think it was pretty much after my breakup with with your angry partner for years after.
00:13:23
Speaker
Right. So yeah, I think it was like, I did not know that you characterized her that way.
00:13:28
Speaker
Yeah, now I do. Now that I see the person, you know, because we kind of entered our thirties, early thirties and together. And, you know, initially our relationship was more fun and, you know, whimsical. And then it became more serious, you know, like mid thirties. I feel like people just try to figure out what the next step is. And, you know, she didn't. And I kind of always knew what I was doing or wanted to do. And it was kind of going towards that. And there's a lot of resentment there, too.
00:13:58
Speaker
You know, it just got really to a point where it was like a lot of anger. Like she likes this. She likes kind of, you know, and I saw it's like kind of a kindred spirit thing because I sometimes when there's nothing going wrong, I will create a problem just so I can have someone to solve. Right. That's like a, I don't know what you call that, but that's kind of what I was going through. And I saw that in her and we were not right for each other. Um, yeah, but seeing that after the fact is very interesting to be like, Oh yeah.
00:14:28
Speaker
Well, it's interesting. She's only been nice to me, you know. So that's why I'm surprised that you would characterize her that way or even your interactions with her. Yeah. She's only been so kind and generous to me and the kids even now. Yeah. So. Interesting. I'm learning new things every day. So for me, I think we talked about this a little bit, but yeah, I.
New Love and Rapid Changes
00:14:51
Speaker
went on match.com. That was a suggestion of my coworker. And she had said that a lot of her friends and family were finding their spouses on match.com. And I was like, Oh, that's cool. I don't want to pay for it though. And I ended up paying for it. And so I was like, if I'm going to,
00:15:18
Speaker
Sorry, it was just so easy. I was like, can't let this go. Wow. Anyway. That white clock. Proceed. So you are on match.com. Yeah. The paid version. The paid version. And I said, if I'm going to pay for this, I'm going to really invest some energy into making a great profile. Yeah. And so worked on it. And I had one date. It was horrible. And the second date was my partner.
00:15:47
Speaker
Wow. Yeah, and we hit it off and we went on like multiple dates, like within the first three or four days, and then didn't stop seeing each other like every single day for like six weeks. It was a lot, it was really intense. It was, we didn't pace ourselves at all. Fell in love really quick, like within like a week. We were like, I love you. I was like, whoa. Yeah, it was intense. Is that a cultural thing?
00:16:14
Speaker
I don't know. It's definitely a codependent thing. And codependency is a culture in America. That's true. And if it works, it works, you know. Yeah. I think I just I'm always got weird when people were intensely devoted very quickly.
00:16:35
Speaker
You still are. That's me. And I tell you about my relationship stuff sometimes and you're like, what is wrong with you? Yeah, yeah. But I think I'm less reactionary that way and more like kind of I can justify why, you know, that is not a good thing. It's for good reason. Yeah. You should pace yourself.
00:16:53
Speaker
Absolutely. I should pace myself. And I find it very hard to do that. Yeah. I love really hard and intensely and really fast. Yeah. I have a lot of love to give and I'm really like, I'm a romantic, I guess. I don't know. Anyway, so. So, yeah, you guys kind of. Within one month, we moved in together because logistically, I needed a place to stay and we were already in love and we're like, yeah, we're.
00:17:20
Speaker
committed to each other and found a place. And you didn't like that because you're like, who's this person my son is moving in with? And immediately, like within the first week of me, like moving in with him, he picked up like he was like such a big help to me. Like I was doing it on my own for five months or even longer because we were really just like two passing ships in the night. So we were basically single parents for most of our marriage to have someone who was like,
00:17:49
Speaker
I want to help you. It was really refreshing and really nice to have somebody who was like, let me help you. Let me help you get him ready in the morning. Let me help you pick him up or take him to school or all that stuff. And it was a really nice partnership and really just what I needed at that time.
00:18:08
Speaker
And it was great for, you know, I had eight years of a relationship with him. And there were a lot of really great moments and memories, especially in the beginning. And I got pregnant. So I met him in September and I was pregnant by May or April. And she was born in January of 2014. So yeah, we moved really fast. We had a family. It was the four of us and
00:18:35
Speaker
Yeah, it was so fast at that point in time. I was just like, what the fuck? And then once you told me, oh, all right, now what? So I'm going to answer my own question of when I knew that it was like I moved on. Was it in our second year? Yeah, it was like really, really soon. It was the day that I left, I think. Yeah. Like I'm done. You're like, bye. Yeah. I mean, we tried. We fought a lot.
00:18:59
Speaker
Yeah, but also that is because I had had until like this past year a really hard time managing my reactions to my feelings.
00:19:10
Speaker
It's funny that you say that because I don't remember that. After all this time, I'm not like, oh yeah, she was just such a terrible person to argue with or anything. I don't get that. I think the thing I do remember the most is that there was a lot of effort and love that you put into it. And I remember just being like, I don't know what to do. Resistant, apprehensive.
Lessons from Past Marriages: Avoiding Resentment
00:19:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's like, wait, I'm already married to this person. I'm just resisting whatever's happening. That can't be healthy.
00:19:36
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, from the beginning, I kind of like twisted your arm and I was like, we're getting married, right? And so there's resentment from the beginning, like, I guess we're getting married. So don't get married if the other person is forcing you.
00:19:52
Speaker
That's the moral of the story, guys. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for coming to our podcast. I was pissed for a while. I was like, who the F is this guy? Yeah. Coming in, trying to like white knight the situation. And I wasn't done. He did. He was my white knight. Yeah. He totally like saved me. Yeah. Yeah. And he was what I needed at that moment after going through cancer. We weren't a partnership.
00:20:20
Speaker
I didn't have you there for me when I needed you most. And then this person showed up. We did it. I sucked. And he showed up and he was like, I'll be there for you.
00:20:29
Speaker
That is what happened after the doors. Yeah. Yeah. Good times. It took a long time. We can fast forward a little bit, you know, eight years.
Building a Healthy Friendship Post-Divorce
00:20:38
Speaker
It took a long time for us to come to this place where we can talk about that in a healthy way and be like, I was hurt by what you did. You were hurt by what I did. And we can say like, Hey, I'm sorry. Yeah. We both definitely have issues. Take ownership for what we did and our feelings.
00:20:59
Speaker
yeah not just face them but embrace them for the the journey that they took us on for sure and and to you know hopefully dismantle any sort of other issues in our friendship going forward and you know be an example to the to our son and good vibes you know yeah and now your eyebrows are microbladed
00:21:21
Speaker
Okay, you actually did bring it up. Okay, good for you. Yeah, I'm just jealous. Okay, I'm gonna have to draw these in every single day. So yeah, last couple years, I had no motivation to do anything to kind of take care of myself.
Personal Growth and Future Topics
00:21:33
Speaker
So now I'm back on the like, let's take care of myself. Let's feel good. Let's look good. And feel good. Look good. Yeah, you know, and vice versa. So that's my browser a little too dark right now.
00:21:46
Speaker
So that's one thing you're still actively working on, looking good, feeling good. Is that right? I also am currently working on looking good and feeling good. I started working out again in the gym at my work. There's a trainer there that's helping me slowly getting back to jujitsu. I decided I want to write more music and stop being so scared. I don't know. We'll see where that takes me. Yeah. How's the dating look?
00:22:12
Speaker
up in the air right now. I'm just going to go in the flow and love myself so much, right? That's it. That's all I can do. Take your time and just. I'm just going to love myself so much. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Because, yeah, that's I mean, I can't depend on anybody else to love me the way I need to be loved.
00:22:31
Speaker
Viewers, are you curious? I'm curious. So tune in. And maybe next episode will be about dating. Dating. Yeah. And how that's changed in the last 12 years. Oh my God. I just get off the dating apps. They're horrible. Really? Anyways. I never was on them, so. Yeah.
00:22:55
Speaker
Yeah, thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining us. Just always remember, stay positive, love yourself, and it's not always about you. It's not always about you.