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Dating After Trauma — Standards, Self-Worth & Building Healthy Relationships - Part 2 | Trafficking Free America Podcast
64 Plays19 days ago
In Part 2 of a two-episode conversation, survivor-leader Oree Freeman continues her honest dialogue with close friend Irony Senegal, shifting the focus from friendship to dating, self-worth, and building healthy romantic relationships after trauma.
This episode tackles a deeply relevant topic for survivors and anyone healing from past pain: why dating must begin with dating yourself first. Oree and Irony unpack how desperation, insecurity, and unresolved trauma can lead people into unhealthy relationships—and why doing the internal work is essential before pursuing companionship.
From setting standards and boundaries to understanding respect, vision, and intentionality, this conversation offers wisdom for women navigating singleness, dating, and preparation for marriage. Irony shares practical insight on becoming someone you enjoy being around, raising personal standards, and aligning your life with the future you want—rather than settling for what’s available.
👉 This episode is Part 2 of the interview.
🎧 If you haven’t listened yet, be sure to start with Part 1, where Oree and Irony discuss healthy friendships, trust, and boundaries.
This episode continues the mission of Trafficking Free America: helping survivors and communities pursue healing, wholeness, and Christ-centered relationships.
🕒 Episode Timestamps
0:00 – Becoming someone you love before dating
0:27 – Introduction & recap of Part 1
0:52 – Dating yourself first: why healing matters
1:38 – Navigating old friendships and new dynamics
2:50 – Accountability, language & personal growth
3:46 – Healthy friendships don’t replace others—they add
4:56 – Trauma, jealousy & territorial relationships
6:16 – Being open to new, healthy connections
7:28 – Dating after trafficking: breaking old cycles
8:46 – “Do the work”: self-worth, standards & discipline
10:01 – How your habits shape who you attract
12:01 – Vision, values & intentional dating
15:21 – Love isn’t enough: the role of respect
22:23 – Final encouragement: don’t settle for less
#TraffickingFreeAmerica #DatingAfterTrauma #HealthyRelationships #SelfWorth #HealingJourney #SurvivorVoices #BoundariesMatter #FaithAndHealing #RelationshipStandards #Restoration #PodcastSeries #HopeAndHealing
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Transcript
Becoming Someone You Love
00:00:00
Speaker
We have to do the work. And when I say we have to do the work, you really have to become someone you love and that you enjoy being around. So that when you are preparing your heart and your space to, you know, for companionship, that is a healthy space and that you're operating from the right place and you're not operating from desperation or insecurity.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:28
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome to the Trafficking Free America podcast. I'm your host, Ori Freeman. Last week, we had a really great discussion with irony in a part one episode about friendships and navigating friendships and how to really establish healthy friendships. This week, we're going to be continuing our conversation with irony, but we're going to be talking about a really popular topic nowadays, which is dating. And that's not because about for dating with someone else, but ultimately dating yourself and the importance of building healthy boundaries and really making sure that you're healthy
00:01:03
Speaker
first before you're trying to have a relationship outwardly, especially for survivors of human trafficking. There's sometimes this cycle of abuse or cycle of these unhealthy relationships. And so we wanted to get some wisdom. I wanted to get some wisdom from a friend who I've watched really work on herself and be disciplined and consistent.
Navigating Friendships and Social Dynamics
00:01:22
Speaker
So, all right, let's go.
00:01:25
Speaker
How has it been navigating? You can be honest to us, okay? how How has it been navigating other relationships that I might've had in the past? Or when you come into the dynamic and spaces with all of Ori's old friends or how has it been? Because I know there are other women that we have them, you know, and even just women in period or young girls right now. Like you got your old homies, you got your old home girls, you got your old way of living and in the way you show up. Or for me, you check me too.
00:01:55
Speaker
I'll tell y'all this, she tells me all the time about profanity. Like she's been the biggest, like you would think it's my mama or somebody else and she'd be like, when I first met her friend, why?
00:02:07
Speaker
every Every word is a cuss word, you know. And now being more mindful, even if it is something that I'm expressive about, and I'm working on it because of the conviction, you know, that the Lord gives. But ultimately, he'll speak through her, you know, because I'm mindful about who I'm around.
00:02:22
Speaker
So I can see myself sometimes when I'm around you, I'll be more mindful about my language. Then when I'm maybe around my family, you know, that I'll get a little bit more loose with the lips. And so it's important, but how has it been for you navigating, um, you know, being in an environment where you, you got to share, not share, share me, but I do have to share.
00:02:49
Speaker
Um, yeah, I mean, ah feel like it takes, uh, you have to navigate that environment with, you know, increased wisdom because,
00:03:03
Speaker
because you have other friends that have, you know, levels and layers of trauma as well. It's like, I know not to turn, you know, not to take everything personally. And sometimes that means that some of your friendships and dynamics could be very protective or territorial over you. And I don't ever want to, um, come off as a threat, but overall I will say, you know, everyone that I've met, you know, in your, in your circle, they, I see why they're in your life.
00:03:32
Speaker
And I'm grateful that they are there, you know, but at the same time, I feel that I do a good job of kind of disarming people to let you know that I'm not here to be you.
Adding Value to Relationships
00:03:46
Speaker
I'm just here to be me. And I love her too. And I feel like that's very important for people because sometimes we When you experience certain things, you feel like, hey, am I going to get replaced? Or like, dang, what if she started liking her better than me? Or saying i maybe I'm not her first phone call anymore. But it doesn't mean that I don't love you any any less. It just means that, you know, in this current season, I have the the my experience could be a little bit more helpful to where to where you're going.
00:04:16
Speaker
you know I've been married before as you prepare for marriage. So I may be a phone call more so than someone that hasn't navigated that season or like Leah that is currently married, you know that may you may call her more than me you know for someone that's actually in the trenches and and walking in that calling. So um yeah, I feel like it's important for me to just reassure um reassure the people in your life that I'm not here to...
00:04:46
Speaker
take their place. I'm just here to add to the beautiful thing that's already, that's already there. Um, I don't have any trouble with it, honestly. um sometimes like when little, I do, I will say like, I'm not that sensitive.
00:05:03
Speaker
So me, um' I'm learning that everybody ain't like me, you know? Um, so understanding that people are a little, people are a little bit more easier prone to getting their feelings hurt. And that just, like you said, it just makes me talk even that much slower, you know, knowing that, okay, let me get to know this person a little bit more before I say a certain type of joke or I dig a little bit deeper. And just taking the time to get to get to know people for for who they are and and and go deeper with everybody. Yeah.
00:05:34
Speaker
Yeah. yeah um And I didn't mean to throw you like throw a curveball. I think it's just because I've been in these spaces with a lot of us that have been, you know, that are survivors of human trafficking. Oh, and it could get catty. It could get catty. It could get territorial. You can't be her friend. I mean, it sounds crazy, but it happens. I mean, I see. oh yeah definitely not It does. Or not being open to having more.
00:05:58
Speaker
people in your life that have great quality that God brings to you though. That's also the thing is like, God gave you to me, you know, God gave me to you. And so I want people to be open to even new relationships and new type of relationships. Like I told, I tell a lot of people, you were my first friend,
00:06:16
Speaker
That literally, y'all, she probably has a negative A so ace score. A score is literally it stands for adverse childhood experiences. It's a test that typically people take to mark to see where they score at, you know, with trauma, you know, childhood trauma. And it's the big stuff like family incarcerated. It's the major things.
00:06:34
Speaker
My friend is probably a negative one. You know, probably negative zero. And so she's my first friend that it was fresh. It was new. And so just be open to new friendships that are unlikely, that are out of the ordinary, that may be uncomfortable. Like we were at church. It wasn't uncomfortable for me. But I know how people can get when they get into a setting where you at an organization or you at an event. and But friendship has been the greatest gift. You have been one of the greatest gifts that God could have given me because it's so much growth and just love there. Before you go, I do want, since you brought it up.
00:07:08
Speaker
Okay. I want to talk about dating a little bit. I want to talk about healthy relationships because yes, you've been married before, but I have learned so much for you about standards, about boundaries, and ain't got nothing to do at all because I was a human trafficking survivor. It's about...
00:07:29
Speaker
You know, Proverbs 31 woman, who does God call you to be? I've watched you want to make changes in your life. When you wanted to pass your real estate, you did it. You did it in 30 days.
00:07:41
Speaker
um When you wanted to get fit, you've done it um consistently over 30 days, six months turned six months, six months turned to a whole year. And that's what you wanted to do. And so what I've learned from you is that it's a lot of focus on yourself, you know, and what, who God has called you to be, but it's hard.
00:08:02
Speaker
yeah It is extremely hard. And so what would you want to say to women who, you know, are struggling with themselves, um, that are,
00:08:14
Speaker
that need Jesus probably, you know, um but maybe even super fixated on a relationship because that's the thing. When I write got out of the life immediately, I was always with some man. Couldn't stop being in relationship, looking for it. I'm just looking for it. I just want it. I want it bad. And it always ended me up in some really, really dark or hard places. So what advice would you give to some of the women um that are ready and that are not ready?
Self-Improvement and Higher Standards
00:08:44
Speaker
What would you want to tell them? um I would say
00:08:50
Speaker
we have to do the work. And when I say we have to do the work, I mean, you really have to become someone you love and that you enjoy being around so that when you are preparing your heart and your space to, you know, for companionship, um,
00:09:10
Speaker
that is a healthy space and that you're operating from the right place and you're not operating from desperation or insecurity. um And in order to really, you know, that's easier said than done. And it's not thinking that, I'm not beautiful. I'm not, you know, this or that.
00:09:29
Speaker
it's It's really just truly being at peace with how you show up. Um, even in the little things kind of going back to like, when you said, Hey friend, you don't ever just go anywhere looking crazy. And it's not to get attention. It's just that I need to show up for me.
00:09:45
Speaker
And when you start to do the little things for you, it just becomes like this ripple effect in your life and everything around you increases the standard, you know? Um, and we know as women that depending on how we show up, we attract different men.
00:10:00
Speaker
You know i'm saying? You know, if you look like you just ran out the house on the fly, you know, yeah, probably more than more men are going come at you because they may like, okay, she she just kind of casual. But if you maybe take a little bit more time, um present yourself in more of an ah an intentional way, you may not get as much traffic, but a man that is going to, you know, if you catch his eye, he's going to be an intentional man because you're showing up as an intentional woman.
00:10:28
Speaker
So it's all about creating healthy habits and healthy habits. You develop a healthy brain, uh, being intentional about what you consume, being intentional about, about what you say, knowing that, am i treating myself the way I would want a man to treat me? Because sometimes we say, oh I want princess treatment or I want queen treatment. But like, how do you really treat you when no one's looking, you know? Um, so i feel like a lot of the work has to be done in the dark.
00:11:00
Speaker
ah Um, And you have to be okay with the waiting. You know, you have to you have to be okay with the waiting if you really want to experience what God has
Right Companionship and Self-Improvement
00:11:14
Speaker
for you. It's really nothing to get a man. is really Anybody can be in a relationship. Let's just be honest. you know We can go get on a dating app um and and match with somebody in five minutes. it's bigger than just companionship is about the the right companionship is about being with that person. That's going to take you to the next level.
00:11:33
Speaker
Uh, and you know, it sounds a little cliche, but it is true. You know, as you, what you pursue, you run into people pursuing those same things. So I had the mindset of, okay, if if I am working on becoming the best version of me, spiritually, mentally, physically, I want to bump into a man that's on that same path.
00:11:55
Speaker
I don't want to be somebody talking about I need a man that's fine, but I'm not willing to show up for me. You know, I can't want to, I talk about my future family and wanting to raise them a certain type of way with healthy habits.
00:12:08
Speaker
If I can't acquire those healthy habits and model those healthy habits, um how can I really expect them to do that? You know, and I do, you know, I do, you know, stay away from profanity as much as I can.
00:12:24
Speaker
But you know why that was easier for me? Because that's how I was raised. My mom didn't curse raising me. and before she And she told me before she was pregnant, she cursed like a sailor. But she said, when I became your mom, I just like, man, I really don't want my daughter i don't really don't want my daughter picking up that habit.
00:12:41
Speaker
And my whole childhood... She very rarely cursed. So it's like when you have people in your life raising a standard, you automatically, um you know, you benefit from that. So, I mean, i just feel like. I've learned from you, like even without having a parent.
00:13:04
Speaker
I know. But even in relationships about with Curtis navigating, you all have with my fiance have taken him him. I mean, even buying him books to help prepare him for manhood because he might not have had that same experience, you know. And so that's the importance of community, too, because there's times when you're like, friend, you can't do that.
00:13:22
Speaker
You know, or you have to learn how to communicate. You have to be able to express or even just a standard of things that I probably didn't look at. Like what's important for um a woman to have a covering, you know, and because, you know, because you might have had some experience where you might not have fully had that at the time. And so it's been super refreshing for our relationship because it helps me out.
00:13:47
Speaker
You know, even when we talk about vision, you know, like what's the vision for your life? Yeah, I'm happy you brought that up. Because that's that's also essential when it comes to dating, whether you're in a relationship with somebody currently right now or you're maybe waiting for that special someone to come in as so As women, we we accept the blueprint, you know, so...
Vision and Standards in Dating
00:14:10
Speaker
right now when you're single or even, you know, before marriage, you have to be very realistic and do your own and be real with yourself and say, okay, what type of life am i what type of life do I want to raise my family in? You know, like what type of man do I want to be around? What type of values do I want him to have?
00:14:30
Speaker
And once you get a clear picture of your vision and where you want to go, it becomes that much easier to see if someone could actually add to that vision and get you there or be all aligned.
00:14:41
Speaker
But what happens is, is we get distracted, right? We get distracted when we see that beard and that um white teeth and that height and all the other things, right? So it's just like when you don't have a blueprint,
00:14:54
Speaker
you don't know what you're going to get. So you got to navigate dating. Like, would you build a house without having without plans? No one just starts a house and picks up lumber and, okay, let me just get a nail and then I'm just going to eventually get a house.
00:15:08
Speaker
That doesn't work. It's a strategic process and a lot of homework that you have to do before you can even start construction. So that's, I would correlate that to dating. You have to you have to do your research. You got to work on you and you got to really, really have those real uncomfortable conversations with yourself to so understand who you are and what you want.
00:15:30
Speaker
And it'll be obvious when someone qualifies for that and when someone doesn't and just holding on, you know, holding on tight to that. You know, we live in a world we were trying to we're encouraged to drop our standards or, Oh, if you over 30, you own a clearance rack and we hear all these negative things, but that comes from the enemy. You know, if you won't ever experience what you deserve, if you settle for less.
00:15:55
Speaker
You know, and it's, I just, I'm glad you shared all that because I myself have experienced it and I see it all the time with people that I know that it might be in proximity or far out from me, but we so quick to just allow any relationship yep because of our trauma on top of that. Not just cause we, we are relational beings, but but And we're not meant to be alone. But we will take anything. And as long as it's better than what it was, we think that's better.
00:16:34
Speaker
And coming into my friendship with you, I've learned so much of even setting the standard for my marriage. You know, the work that needs to be done, um identifying some weak spots on what I need to work on, what he needs to work on.
00:16:50
Speaker
And it's been super helpful. And then now I'm seeing other individuals who are still single and or friends or people, like I said, are and not in close proximity that I know.
00:17:01
Speaker
that I'm like, why are we doing this again? we It's the same type of person, like you said. And I've heard this before, even as a survivor, right? Like, you are what you attract. And that's that's a very hard thing to hear.
00:17:15
Speaker
People will try to combat it because they're like, well, I didn't attract, an adult as an adult, I'm going to say this, after coming out of their life, I didn't attract someone that was an abuser.
00:17:26
Speaker
But how, what what I believed about myself? Absolutely. I was willing to, that was the standard, like you said, because that's what I believed about myself. My worthiness bar was down here when really it surpasses every understanding because of who God created me to be and who I am in him.
00:17:45
Speaker
And so the bar was low, super low. And I'm not even talking about just domestic violence. I'm talking about the disrespect, the You know, the the language that's used, the narcissism or the the way that somebody talks to you, the way somebody puts you down or holding you at a standstill to not becoming the better version of yourself that God...
00:18:09
Speaker
has called you to be. And when I say that, it's not like the better version of like, oh, now I'm married, I got a house or now I'm married, I got this. No, this, this self, the integrity, the account of the self accountability, the self awareness, and really producing more fruit.
00:18:27
Speaker
that That what he calls fruit, what he calls is better. You know, having that gentleness, having that patience, having self-control, all of those things. And so, um yeah, I'm just glad you talked about that because I think that's just something is also a barrier, Arnie. It is a huge barrier to young women.
00:18:48
Speaker
And even men and even boys, like, is this relationship stuff, man. Yeah. We get out of life. We get out of trafficking and we get into a relationship that leads us down a deeper hole or a different, darker hole.
Post-Trauma Dating Challenges
00:19:04
Speaker
And now we struggle with mental health. Now we struggle with addiction. Now we struggle with inconsistencies in our parenting. And I can honestly say, you know,
00:19:19
Speaker
I've dated, but I've never dated healthy. Before Curtis, I dated one person. That was new, and it was hard because my mouth was vicious.
00:19:30
Speaker
I was not ready, and they weren't ready neither, but, oh you know, that was the only other person I dated. Other than that, every other partner was not a partner, just somebody to be with, just somebody to say they love me, just to be doing life with somebody and anybody, you know, and I'm not saying that they they were, you know, ah not stable or, you know, not mentally well, but just not it, you know.
00:20:00
Speaker
So I just really wanted, want people to be open to about receiving information. It doesn't have to come from this experts. You know, it doesn't have to come from, um you know, another survivor that has lived through it. Like, no, you've taught me so much already.
00:20:19
Speaker
Things that I might vent to you about too, about preparing for marriage. And you share things with me like, hey, these are the specific questions that you need to be asking, you know, that y'all need to go talk to our therapist about.
00:20:31
Speaker
um But I wouldn't have known that because I've never been married before. Right. know, and yeah, I've had people in my life that has been married, but Never at this level, this this level of death because of our relationship that we have.
00:20:44
Speaker
And I'll say this too, you know, i feel like sometimes, especially us as women, because we love a girls, you know, we, my man, my man, my man, and we 10 toes down, but we forget that in order to have a healthy relationship, love is not enough.
Respect in Relationships
00:21:04
Speaker
And I feel that that's one of my, largest lessons that I'll continue to share because we forget that we need respect, right?
00:21:14
Speaker
We need respect for our partners and we also need respect for ourselves because we often go into these dynamics with men thinking that we can love them through everything.
00:21:27
Speaker
And we have that missing piece of respect that Which erodes the love over time. So if you pursue, you know, if you pursuing a man, you know, you're in a relationship, but you don't respect yourself. We haven't done the work on you.
00:21:42
Speaker
He starts to lose respect for you, you know, which in turn makes him love you improperly. So i just wanted to share that too, that love isn't enough. you You do need respect on both sides. You need respect from your partner and you need to be able to respect yourself. so that people will treat you the way that you need to be treated.
00:22:06
Speaker
Because if you're willing to settle for less, if you're willing to tolerate poor treatment, they'll gladly do it. And that comes from a lack of self-love and self-respect. So just... um To me, that's half the battle when you can come into a dynamic with a healthy amount of love and respect. so yeah And the Lord calls us to honor and he calls us to have valor. He calls us to be obedient um and ultimately he's the head of
Closing and Gratitude
00:22:33
Speaker
it all. you know So it all points back to the word. Well, I love you so much, Arnie, and I'm so grateful for you to talk about friendship and dating um and just be refreshing to the audience. So... Hope to see you soon, girl. yeah
00:22:49
Speaker
I'm super, super happy to be here. Thank you so much for the opportunity. and I wish everyone the best. Thank you so much for taking time to hear a little bit about me and my girl. You know, we we could go hours was and hours. Hopefully we can do this again.
00:23:06
Speaker
Yep. Look her up on Instagram too. If you're trying to buy a house or you're trying to get into Zumba. All right. Health is wealth. i would See y'all soon.