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Episode 3: Communication (The Setup)
13 Plays1 month ago
Everybody says they want good communication. Half of good communication is good listening. And good listening needs the right context if you're going to be successful. Here's what you need to know.
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Transcript
Intro
Introduction to Sabotaging Conversations
00:00:35
Ibinye
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. Today, Raffi and I, Ibi, are going to be talking about some ways that you might just be sabotaging conversations with your spouse before you even start the conversation.
Eliminating Electronic Distractions
00:00:53
Ibinye
Raffi
00:00:54
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, so there's a lot of ways that people do this, aren't there? um Before we even get talking, there are some things that we can do to make this conversation work better. So I want to bring up, I think, one of the number one things in today's world is the phone, the phone, right?
00:01:09
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:01:10
Raffi Bilek
um I mean, I'm sure you see this, I'd be even in your sessions, like you'll be having a conversation someone and one of them will like pull out the phone for a second, um either because there's something urgent or just because they're really not that engaged.
00:01:21
Raffi Bilek
And so, okay, we get it. Emergencies happen. If you are expecting and emergency call, um maybe you need to keep your phone on, but maybe that's not the time to have a deep conversation with your spouse. um So point number one, turn off the phone.
00:01:34
Raffi Bilek
Do not turn it to vibrate. Do not just put it down on on the table. It needs to be in such a situation that it cannot disturb you if you're gonna be having an important conversation.
00:01:46
Raffi Bilek
If you are having a quick conversation like, hey, who's picking up the kids today? Okay, we're all running around. The phones are on um But for sure, if you need to have an important conversation about something sensitive, emotional, important, put the phone to silent or turn it off.
00:02:00
Raffi Bilek
and or put in a different room.
00:02:03
Ibinye
Yes.
00:02:03
Raffi Bilek
But even just having the phone on the table is a distraction for people. So making sure that is out of your way in order to have the best success for an important conversation.
00:02:12
Ibinye
Yeah. I like that because that speaks that you actually care and that you're listening. In addition to the phones, I would also say other electronics. So whether you're listening to music, except the music is helping you with your conversation in some way, I don't know. Um, the TV, iPads, tablets of any kind,
00:02:30
Ibinye
Turn everything off so that the only thing that has your attention is your spouse.
00:02:36
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, I wanted something that you said made me think there's really there's two parts to this. So one of them, one of the parts is that this eliminates distractions. So you're really focusing on each other and it happens. But the other thing is there's a positive benefit, which is when I turn off the phone, when I say, hey, let's turn off the TV and go to the other room, I'm already communicating to you. There's a level of respect here. There's a level of investment.
00:02:58
Raffi Bilek
And so beyond just avoiding the problem, you are already setting things off on the right foot. Like, OK, we care about each
Choosing the Right Time for Conversations
00:03:05
Raffi Bilek
other. We're going to make this work.
00:03:05
Ibinye
Yes, yes, yes. My spouse is so important to me that I am going to make them the center of my world for this conversation. Thank
00:03:15
Raffi Bilek
Right, okay, so that sends an important message that I think sets things off on the right foot. um So that is an important part about distractions, and related to that is just getting the timing right. Now, if you live on planet Earth in the real world, there is no good timing.
00:03:31
Raffi Bilek
I'm actually working on a project in which I add more hours to the day, so I will let you know when I've gotten it above 24. But until then, we only have 24 hours in the day, and we're all scrambling.
00:03:41
Raffi Bilek
um So we do the best we can. But part of doing the best we can, there is a couple of ways, a couple of factors that go into that. If you have kids, you're always busy. I understand. um Making sure that there's some way that they're not going to walk in in the middle to the extent possible. You know, if you have an infant, they're going cry in the middle.
00:03:59
Raffi Bilek
You do the best you can. But if you have, you know, some older kids who you can you can give them a book or a screen or whatever it is, or if they're with a babysitter or maybe they're asleep. Those are the best times, right? Dinner time when the kids need you or homework time.
00:04:14
Raffi Bilek
This is not the time to initiate an important conversation.
00:04:18
Ibinye
No, absolutely not. Make sure you're not trying to have these big conversations right before something important is about to happen. So think right before somebody is about to go to work, right before you're about to you know start a big meeting, right before a job interview, right before anything important.
00:04:27
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:04:39
Ibinye
Why? Your brain is going to be distracted and you're going to be looking at the clock like, I got to go wrap this up in two minutes.
00:04:46
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, yeah.
00:04:46
Ibinye
You want that?
00:04:46
Raffi Bilek
Most of these conversations are not good for wrap it up in two minutes kind of things. Right. So in addition to being distracted, you might actually also get cut off. Maybe you're totally focused and you're really there. But, you know, five minutes go by and now you have to stop a conversation that's going well.
00:05:00
Raffi Bilek
So, again, there's a couple of parts to that, that if you can avoid starting before, you know, before the next big meeting or the next call or whatever, And like we said in a previous episode, you may have to take a break, right? this you You may really want to talk about something and now might not be the time because it won't go well.
00:05:17
Raffi Bilek
And so the best thing to do for your relationship is don't talk about it at a time when it's not going to go well. Um, similarly late at night, right. And there may be no specific deadline, but you know, it's midnight, it's one o'clock. Uh, you're both tired. So again, you, you do have to get to sleep.
00:05:33
Raffi Bilek
There is that stress in the back of your mind. Like you got to get to sleep because got to get up in the morning and you're tired. You're not thinking your best. So, you know, these are just all kinds of times where you could pick a better time. And again, we understand it's not always perfect.
00:05:46
Raffi Bilek
You don't always have the best options. But when you can avoid starting at these times, your relationship, your conversation will be better off for it.
The Importance of Privacy in Conversations
00:05:54
Ibinye
Yes. for me, I get hangry. I'm just going honest. When I'm hungry, you cannot have a productive conversation with me. So make sure your belly is full, or at least you are not starving. Because when we are hungry, let's be very honest, we get irritable, we get temperamental. So make sure you're not hungry. Make sure that you're not sick. When you're having a pounding headache, or there's a migraine or tummy upset or whatever it is that's going on for you internally,
00:06:22
Ibinye
it It puts you on edge a little bit. so And it's a distraction. Pain is a distraction. Illness is a distraction in itself. So make sure everybody's feeling kind of, you know, good. There's no hunger going on. There's no illness going on. And that allows you to be able to actually focus on the conversation.
00:06:39
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. And, you know, if you are hungry, so you grab a banana. You know what saying? Like, again, you you can't always make the timing work out perfectly. But let's say your your spouse does want to talk to you and you are a little exhausted or you are hungry. You say, OK, great. Wait one second.
00:06:56
Raffi Bilek
I would like to, but I realize I'm hungry. I do this all the time at home, by the way, you know, when the kids need something or my wife needs something.
00:06:59
Ibinye
Yes.
00:07:02
Raffi Bilek
And I realize I've just hit the wall. Like my hunger level has gotten to the point where I am not able to push myself beyond my own personal needs. I'll say, sure, one second. I'm going to grab an apple.
00:07:12
Raffi Bilek
Right. I'm going to have a snack or some prunes. That's a snack that I like. I know that's weird of me, but look, there's that we keep in the in the cabinet. They're sweet. They're chewy. It's good. So something that you can grab, by the way, something healthy is better. You know, obviously, if you're, you know downing sugar all day long, later on it's going to come back to bite you. Um,
00:07:30
Raffi Bilek
But sometimes you need sugar buzz. OK, grab a chocolate bar or something. That helps a lot in terms of putting yourself in in the right place, in the right frame of mind. If you are tired and you have the ability to go rest five minutes, close your eyes. That might make all the difference.
00:07:44
Raffi Bilek
So these are all ways that you can set up a proper context for for having a good
Why Cars Aren't Ideal for Difficult Talks
00:07:50
Raffi Bilek
conversation. We've already put a lot in here. We'll we'll we'll review this all in just a minute and we'll go back through some of these tips. I think there's one more ah category of things you want to deal with, which is where you are and who's around.
00:08:01
Ibinye
Yes. Location is really important. Try as best you can not to be having these deep emotional conversations when you are in public. Number one, it can be really embarrassing.
00:08:12
Ibinye
You know, like somebody might end up in tears or whatever. And then, you know, you have people at the grocery store staring at you, or it's actually really distracting. Sometimes, you know, you're trying to push the cart, you're trying to put bananas in the, in the cart.
00:08:24
Ibinye
And then you're also trying to figure out how to have this deep conversation with your spouse. So
00:08:28
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Yeah.
00:08:29
Ibinye
Another thing to think about when we talk about in public, sometimes you're in your home, right? But there are people there. Your in-laws are there. Your cousins come over to visit. Your best friend's there. Your neighbor is there.
00:08:41
Ibinye
Let's try to avoid having these conversations when we have other people staring at us because it's just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. And it can be really embarrassing to you and to your spouse too.
00:08:53
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, and this again calls upon us to to put it off as needed. You know, yeah your mother-in-law says something obnoxious and you want to deal with that and fix that and tell your spouse, you have to go tell her off. all the Maybe yes, maybe no, but now is not the time to deal with it. It's just not going to go well.
00:09:11
Raffi Bilek
um And it's almost certainly not an emergency. You may be correct that your mother-in-law said something nasty.
00:09:14
Ibinye
Yes.
00:09:17
Raffi Bilek
You'll talk to your spouse about it later and you'll do it well. Because like Ivy, like you said, It's embarrassing. It's distracting. I think there's a factor here that just plays subtly underneath, which is I'm worried about how I look to others. So even if I'm not feeling embarrassed, there's a part of my brain that wants to perform well.
00:09:37
Raffi Bilek
You know, especially around my family, you know, if we're in a restaurant and I want to you know not make a scene. And so that's going to affect how I'm having this conversation. So doing it in public or just where other people are around, that will affect how the conversation goes.
00:09:53
Raffi Bilek
And again, you know, the kid thing is an issue if your kids are around. That may not be a great time. Although there is an aspect of this, you know, let's say you have a young child who's napping or nursing or whatever, and just like quietly there, that may not be distraction to you. might be okay.
00:10:07
Raffi Bilek
But also let's say you're having a conversation, which is not conflictual, but just, you important connecting, whatever.
00:10:11
Ibinye
Yeah. Right.
00:10:13
Raffi Bilek
i find that that's actually great to do when the kids are around. My kids cringe a lot in my house. That's a lot of cringing because we talk about feelings a lot. um But my kids have learned that it's okay to talk about things.
00:10:24
Raffi Bilek
And even when it does get difficult, obviously, we're not having big, serious issues in front of them. But, you know, we will acknowledge that we talk about things or we'll say, you know, what let's go to our room and have a conversation about this.
00:10:35
Raffi Bilek
And so having the kids know that you talk about things, we're not hiding it from them. Right. The idea of not doing it in public doesn't mean that other people shouldn't know we're having conversations. I think it's great for our kids to know that we are talking about important things in our marriage.
00:10:48
Raffi Bilek
um Just again, what what they're exposed to and what you're thinking when when people are watching, that's what to be aware of.
00:10:54
Raffi Bilek
um There's one more location thing I want to bring up, which is the car. Try as much as you can not to bring up difficult issues in the car. Right. Because we've talked about timeout. You can't take a time out in the car unless you're diving out of the car and rolling, which is not yeah yeah it's not not optimal for your own personal physical health.
00:10:54
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:11:07
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:11:11
Raffi Bilek
um It's a pressure cooker. It's a difficult situation. And, you know, we've all been there cranking each other in the car or or being annoyed with each other. That's the best time to just stuff it and not deal with it.
00:11:23
Raffi Bilek
If something comes up, definitely don't start it in the car. Don't bring it up in the car because you're stuck there, right? Whether it's for a few minutes or like you're on a 10 hour drive or whatever, this is not the time. it is It is a recipe for disaster. I've seen it many times. I've been there, you know, and had to really bite down.
00:11:39
Raffi Bilek
So the car is definitely not a good location either.
00:11:39
Ibinye
Yes.
00:11:42
Ibinye
Yeah. Yeah. And it's a safety issue for the driver. It could be right. If driver's getting heated and all distracted, you just, you just don't want that. And it's okay to say, you know what, let's have a conversation at 7 PM or at whatever, when we get safely to our destination or like, so we we get to say, this is not the right time for this, but then pick whatever is the right time.
00:12:05
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Yeah.
Recap and Communication Modeling Tips
00:12:06
Raffi Bilek
Okay. So I think that covers some of our contextual things we want to talk about. Let's do a quick recap. There was um the phones and distractions, right? Put those away, turn them off, silent.
00:12:15
Ibinye
Yes.
00:12:17
Raffi Bilek
There was timing. So we had talked about, you know, not before a big issue, and not before a meeting, um and not before it bedtime, not when the kids are running around.
00:12:28
Ibinye
Yes.
00:12:30
Raffi Bilek
And make sure that you're not too hungry or tired or sick, right? Making sure that you're in a good place to do that. And then in terms of location,
00:12:39
Ibinye
Not in public, not when you have other people staring at you, right? Pick a location that is more quiet and private. We're not saying, you know, have the kids leave the house, but you know, within reason, just ensure that you're not feeling embarrassed because there's eyeballs on you and you're worried about how you're feeling and how you look.
00:12:59
Ibinye
And one important thing that Rafi mentioned, we're not saying don't ever have conversations in front of your kids because it is important for kids to understand that adults communicate and and kids are learning. how to communicate by watching their adults, but we don't want to get heated and out of pocket in front of the children.
00:13:17
Raffi Bilek
Great. So we will definitely have some more conversations here about conversations and how to do them well. This was just about how you can set yourself up for success before you even start the conversation. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
00:13:28
Raffi Bilek
So take these tips, run with them, and I hope that it helps you make your marriage better.
00:13:32
Ibinye
All right. Have great day.
00:13:33
Raffi Bilek
See you all next time.