Transcript
Speaker: There are certain ages you just have a picture in your head. You know what I mean. Somewhere along the way, you decided what 30 would look like, what 35 would look like, and definitely what 40 would look like. And somehow, none of it looks like this.
Speaker: No, not even a little bit. Because 40 is a strange thing. There's a part of you that's like, look at us, we're a alive, we made it, let's throw a big party. And then there's another part that's quietly asking, wait.
Speaker: We're how old? And for me, this birthday carries even more weight because I'm not just turning 40. I'm also celebrating five years cancer free. So there's an enormous amount of gratitude in this moment. There's joy, there's celebration, there are people I love coming together to celebrate life with me, and there are still some complicated feelings about turning 40.
Speaker: Which, honestly, might be the most honest thing we can say about getting older. You can be deeply grateful for your life and still have feelings about the number. Yes. So today, we're talking about it all. The life we thought we'd have by 40, the life we actually have, and why women have been weird about this particular birthday for thousands of years. Thousands of years. Okay, so this isn't just an us problem. Apparently not. Good, because we're going to need some historical validation. And we're going to look at what 40 has actually meant across history, what scripture tells us about the significance of 40, and then, perhaps most importantly,
Speaker: what we might be missing if we spend too much energy resisting this particular season of life. Maybe 40 isn't the beginning of the end. Maybe it's the beginning of knowing what the heck you're doing. Or at least knowing what you don't want to do.
Speaker: We'll take it. So join us for a conversation on being 40-ish. ish Welcome to Twist and Turns, confessions of lifelong BFFs. Two best friends who know where the bodies are buried,
Speaker: Metaphorically. After more than 20 years of friendship, we've survived chaos, heartbreak, answered prayers, questionable choices, and plenty of twists. We're not experts, influencers, or internet debaters. Just two friends talking honestly about faith, friendship, and God's goodness through all of it.
Speaker: Lord, here we are in a place we never thought we would be, in a literal space we never thought we would be, in a place in our lives that we never thought we would be.
Speaker: And certainly it looks different than what we may have envisioned, but your ways and your thoughts are higher than ours. And we long to know your heart. And this is a pursuit of that. And so you don't owe us an explanation, but we do invite you to tell us anything you want us to know in this. We just glorify your name for our lives. Forgive us for the ways that we have not done well with the gifts that you've given us of life. And thank you for
Speaker: your mercy and your patience, knowing that eventually we would see what a gift our lives are. And we're just really thankful for them. And so we give this conversation to you. We ask you to bless it and take us where you want us to go because we don't want to go anywhere else, but where you want us to go. And we ask all this in Jesus name.
Speaker: and an Amen. Welcome, friends. Hello. To another episode of Twists and Turns, Confessions of Lifelong BFFs. I'm Anne-Marie. And I'm Helena. And we are together in person again. we are in your space right now. i have- come to your neck of the woods. Why am i here? Why are we here? What's going on? Oh, we're going to just out the gate. Just put it out there. Well, I mean, the title of it is 40-ish. So I think I guess there's no Yes. so the time has come.
Speaker: Time has come. Here we are. Where are we? We are in my 40th year of life. Yes, we are We have we have made it in. The whole family. Yeah. The ones you chose and the ones that chose you and yeah the ones that God chose. Yes.
Speaker: All the people. um Yeah. i you know i I joke about it and you know we'll obviously get into it, but there is ah just a hesitation to say the words out loud yeah that I, as of this week, have turned 40 years old.
Speaker: I don't feel it. I'd like to hope I don't look it. now there's no comment thank Please Thank you. can comment. It's fine. we We're firmly rooted in who we are. It's fine. I mean, just no. Engagement is engagement. So joke's on you. no, I'm rubber and you're glue. but but When I sit and think about just the occasion and the people that are making a choice to travel, to be together, yeah to celebrate, it feels a little bit self-serving as an adult to have a birthday party. In fairness, you called it adult homecoming. i did. It's not just a birthday party.
Speaker: Well, so here's here's the thing. And, you know, people can take this for whatever it's worth. I genuinely love to host and to call people together and gather because that is just something that fills my cup, not to sound like a Hallmark card. So to get to invite people in a party where I'm like, I want you go.
Speaker: get dressed up, feel good because you look good, have a good meal, and just let your hair down and have fun. Like that to me is like so much fun. And it's not a come to a party so you can come dance around me in a circle. It's like, I just am so excited for the people to be together all in one room. yeah I'm like equating it to, and I hope this lands, like just like a wedding reception where of course you're there because there was a wedding, but people invited you to that wedding and because they love you and want you to be a part and witness yes that
Speaker: ceremony because it means something to them. As much as i it's for my birthday, like I'm excited for people to be there and hopefully feel the love that I feel for them being there is reciprocated by my desiring them to be there. Yeah, I think that's evidenced in the fact that people are coming to be with you because we love you. I do not have time to be flying across the country to make an appearance at something. You know what I mean? Like, I just yeah don't. There's some other people who are coming who are like, who would not do this probably for very many other people. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully that's evidence enough. Like you are so dearly loved and we feel your love too. And so this is like a celebration of your life and of you, whether or not anybody else understands this when they hear that. Cause there may be someone who doesn't know you who's like, well that's obnoxious. Like, yeah, right. The reality is it's not only your 40th birthday.
Speaker: It's also we're celebrating a major milestone in that you are alive five years after you were diagnosed with stage three triple negative breast cancer, which... yeah If you have listened for any period of time or if you have personal experience, you unfortunately know that that's nobody would have guessed that we would be here. like You wouldn't have thought like with that diagnosis, like well, when I turn 40, I'm going to be dancing with all of my friends. you know like There's a lot to celebrate. With hair. With hair. Yeah.
Speaker: Praise God. with you I really appreciate you making the wedding comparison. a wedding is supposed to be a picture of the bride being united with Christ. right And those that are there are bearing witness to that Can't speak for the millions of other people who are going to be there tomorrow night, but i for me, not millions, but a lot. have a million friends. So many friends. I just love love. Yeah, everybody loves me. and yeah But for me, it is that bearing witness to like, you really were resurrected to new life. in the last five years. Like I have seen it, i have experienced it. i know you feel that too. And so this is a celebration
Speaker: of new life, you know, even though we're celebrating that, you know, the back half of the bell curve now. So oh man, does that just lands with a thud? Yeah, it does. It feels weird. So that's maybe the, the, the part that we want to talk a little bit about is I think we both are feeling some feelings about 40 and I'm pretty sure we're not alone in that. You know, as we talked about it it was like, this is a good opportunity to just sit with that for a minute. understand the why behind that, particularly as women. I really don't know that men get to 40 necessarily and go, oh no, my youth. Maybe they do. But I think for women, historically, what youth has represented really, and we'll get into that, like I think is is what makes this kind of challenging. But we just, we want to take a minute and sit with that and just, yeah. How are how are you feeling? And then I'll share my thoughts.
Speaker: I'm not quite 40 yet, but I'm not far behind you. so Something I've learned about the way that I process anything in life that feels uncomfortable, it's denial. Yes.
Speaker: I just avoid if somebody else doesn't bring it up, well, then we'll just let that sit over there. yeah I don't let things marinate in my brain because I i don't like the way i feel.
Speaker: And so as like a defense mechanism, maybe perhaps um until it's like I have to. For example, my husband and I are very different in the way that we anticipate a trip because his excitement is like that buildup.
Speaker: Like he likes to plan and he's, you know, thinking about logistics and the, you know, reservations and how are we getting from point A to point B. Whereas I'm like, that sounds stressful.
Speaker: Yeah. I don't like that. The week before, I'll be like, oh, yes. Okay. Now it's time to get excited. So that is just kind of the way that I've approached this milestone. Not that I'm like, oh, I don't want to be 40. It's not...
Speaker: That in entirely, I wouldn't say that there's none of that there. yeah But it's just not been sitting there running circles through my brain. So now that it's here, i can't avoid it I think that's when these reality checks have kind of started to go through my mind and process where I'm like, well, why would I be so upset? Because the alternative is...
Speaker: being here Yes. and aging is inevitable i'm not the first person i talked to myself through this when i had my first child like i had to talk myself through i am not the first human being to give birth i can do this if other people can do this there is a lot of proof that i could do this Yeah.
Speaker: As well. I think every mother who's ever like carried a child in their body can relate to that. Like, yes you're like, ain't no way. And then you're like, well, I got here. i guess there's other people who have, you know, pioneered this one. I kind of take refuge in this. Others have done this before me kind of mentality. It's okay. And just like looking at the people that not only got into their forties, but embraced it and done it in a way that it's like,
Speaker: That looks authentic and kept it classy. Didn't try to take a few steps back to, you know, hold on to some and no shade on anybody that wants to, yeah yeah yeah you know, live it up. That's not what I mean. But I just mean like, if you've arrived, arrived.
Speaker: Stay there. I think just embracing it and just be like, yeah, I am 40. I fought really hard to get here. Yes, I agree with you. It's the examining the why behind, you know what I mean? And so that's what I want to talk about is like, how did we get here? How do we get to a place where 40 so...
Speaker: Taboo? Yeah. Controversial, undesirable, yes scary, open to such resistance. Like, why were we so resistant to it? And I'll tell you for me, and it's crazy as we started to unpack this together, these images came to my mind.
Speaker: And I recognize that these images have been in my mind since I was a child. I grew up in the nineties. We grew up in the nineties, growing up in the nineties, you know, I'm a kid. So I'm surrounded. The women that were turning 40 were mothers, you know, in my community and the fashion that was available. Like embraced even. We printed out some of these. These are from catalogs that I was like, people paid money for these clothes. Like do you remember what a nineties mom looked like? Not your mom in the nineties, not my mom in the nineties. Most of the moms, the fashion and the- Fashion forward moms. Yeah, the ones who were like spending their money on clothes, you know, like not off the sale rack. The ones who were like nosediving into what the fashion industry was presenting them. This might be the 80s, but I'm thinking like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I mean, kind of, yeah. A little bit. It's just very- Like when she was getting dressed up. Yes. Like when was like shopping in you know, Ombrideo Drive. Yes. And like what she wore to like, I think it was like the horse race or something where she has the hat and like the whole bit. The weird hair. Sorry. The hairstyles and the like- I'm not trying to offend anybody who was- But I, like I, this is my personal opinion. And I was a child. So I can tell you this was an unfiltered opinion. Like I was- Right. And this was a conclusion that I drew in my mind at the time as I looked at these women who were wearing things that were just objectively unflattering. I think unflattering is a better way to put it because of like thinking about like shoulder pads and like- These weird collars. Interesting like ruffle placements and stuff like that. it just did not accentuate and flatter in like, in some
Speaker: people maybe, but you would have to have a certain, you know, not everything looks the same on everybody. And that's no, cause I'm looking at these, these, these women were hired as models for these catalog photos and it also looks bad on them. Okay. i like Okay. Yep. It's the cut of the clothing. And what I'm not saying is that you should present yourself in a way that draws attention.
Speaker: but What happened? like And I mean that with all the sincerity and love in my heart. So what it did for me as ah as a child growing up in the 90s, I knew this, but I didn't think to make the connection and articulate it until we started talking. And i was like, okay. So what I concluded in my child mind was the point at which you reach this age as a woman and as a mother, you must fade into the background and lose your identity and become sort of a piece of furniture.
Speaker: Okay. It's so funny that you just say that because i was literally just thinking that... the patterns kind of matched like drapery. They did. because Well, and they, and so did the cuts of them. It it just was like, they just kind of like took the curtain rod and they were like, let's put that over my shoulder. Yeah. And no shade and baggy stuff. As you know, we're big fans of that. That's not what we're saying. It can be accomplished. It felt as a child, when I looked at it, like you are going out of your way to present yourself in a way that's like, don't look at me. i
Speaker: just felt like your life is over when you turn 40. Like you are not you anymore. You fade into the background and that's who you become as sort of this irrelevant accessory person.
Speaker: In lady behind the curtain. Yeah. Kind of like a pendulum swung a little too hard and fast in the other direction. i guess. ah But it just, it felt like you turn in your relevance card and you're like, here you go. And you got that from fashion. Well, I mean, I think it was behavior too, but it was like, but it, what was, it was represented outwardly in just like, you put that on today. Like you went, you went and paid somebody money.
Speaker: in exchange for that garment and you, you, you laundered it in whatever way you do and you hung it up in your closet. And then when you woke up in the morning and you were getting ready, you went in and you said, that's how I want to show up today.
Speaker: Yeah. And that felt like what you want everybody to know about you is nothing. And hear me right. Like the Bible talks about like, you know, not merely adorning yourself outward, specifically in talking to women, not merely adorning yourself outward. It doesn't say don't adorn yourself outwardly. It says don't merely put on these things. The eternal things that matter are the quiet and gentle and incorruptible spirit. Like those are the things that glorify God. But what it's not saying is like be...
Speaker: invisible. Like God didn't make us for that. So anyway, that's tangent over as a kid. I made that conclusion in my mind and then I took it with me until present day. i just had a birthday. I turned 39 and it hit me after that birthday that I was like, especially, you know, in anticipation of your 40th, it was like, well, it's over now. Like there's, and there in my mind, it was like, no, but it's not over. Like, so I think for me, the resistance is I'm not irrelevant. I am not meek and a piece of furniture, you know, like I'm not those things. So for me, the resistance has been the perception of what that means. Not necessarily the number, but it was like, well, when I turned 40, that means I'm supposed to be this and I won't ever be that Lord willing. Did you ever hear anybody in like growing up as a child kind of talking about age in a negative way? Yes. I mean, same as you, you know, the over the hill and like the, everyone would always give the cards that had like the tombstones on that was also a thing. Like that was really popular yes for this person.
Speaker: milestone birthday. Like 40th was everything was black. Yeah. Like everything was like RIP. As children kind of observing this, it's kind of like imprinting this idea yeah into what that means. Funny, but at the same time,
Speaker: children don't always understand sarcasm. Well, and also sarcasm is meant to mask fear. Right. So I wonder if that was part of it is, you know, it was everyone kind of trying to make light of it so that they, you know, wouldn't feel the fear of, oh my gosh, like, what does this mean? I turned 40. Like I, you know, right. What has that meant historically in society? Like,
Speaker: so historically it means 10 years ago you should have been dead you know it's like you survived you're like survival of the fittest here like you you are and now your days are really numbered you're on your borrowed time brother like I know when we were kind of having some fun conversation preparing for this episode I like jokingly said something about a senior citizen discount yes you did i did did you get This happened yesterday. Oh, no. So I'm at the grocery store and this woman was ringing up my groceries. i can't remember how she worded it. She said something to the effect of, are there any senior citizens in your house or that will be part of this purchase? And I like looked at her confused
Speaker: And I was like, uh, no. And she looked at me again and she said, are you sure there's no senior citizens? And I was like, yes, yes. And she like would not let up.
Speaker: What she was doing was asking if I had any senior citizens in my life so that she could give me the senior citizens discount. And I was like,
Speaker: Yes, there are senior citizens in my life, which was not a lie. Yeah, sure. Because i have parents. That are coming. And uncles that are coming that are in that category, that demographic. And she said, well, then I will give you your senior discount.
Speaker: And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. I don't even, I don't have. I was so like, am I on candid camera? Like what is happening? Yeah. We paid, we paid that grocery. I was about to say the the chain. So we find ourselves in this place and we recognize that, that the reason that we found ourself in this, this resistance to forties, first of all, is. for me at least, just conclusions that we made growing up as kids in the 90s and watching our parents meet these milestones and how they handled them. I will say, and I didn't know your mother at that time, obviously, but looking at pictures and stuff, like and I was thinking about this yesterday, like neither of our mothers really subscribed to that.
Speaker: like My mom, is she does not look the age that she is now even, but she's always just had this like timeless experience classic, doesn't have to try at all kind of beauty. She's got that good olive skin, you know, cause she's got the Italian, whatever. But like she doesn't look her age even now. She's very naturally yes that way because she's not like she's that way because she oh does her makeup. she don't do nothing. perfect Yeah. It's just kind of this...
Speaker: good good genes yes but even in that time frame she was not wearing those clothes and I I've never asked her like was that a choice or was that like a you know monetary constraint like I really don't know but I look back and it was like she wasn't like well this is what's in style so I'm just going in this direction like I think there was a recognition at least of like that doesn't look good So I'm not going to wear that because I don't like the way that that looks on me. I remember in high school, like because your mom's such a little petite thing. You fit her in your pocket. Yes. Like I just remember her wearing like jeans and being like, oh, how cute. Get it, mom.
Speaker: So cute. She's still that way. But. Yeah. we kind of dove into this a little bit more. we say we dove into it. we We had a chat with chat, you know? Yes.
Speaker: You know, a lot of this is like, think about historical society. The things that made you valuable were... the things that you could offer in your youth, birthing children, just fertility in general. You know, it's why in the Bible, I can't remember who it was. i think it was Hannah, one of them who was barren that was like, give me a child or I'll die. and she wasn't saying it like, I'm going to die if I don't have a child. Like, I just, I just, I just want to be a mom. That's not what she was saying. She was literally saying, if you don't give me a child when you die, I'm destitute.
Speaker: it was a means of survival. It was, if if I can't offer children, if I'm not of childbearing age, then I'm not marriage material. And if I'm not marriage material, I don't really have a way to earn an income. It's very limited at that point. That can't be ignored that it's like when people's youth, when women's youth was departing from them,
Speaker: and and they didn't have any children or whatever, like that was dangerous. Societally, there was less opportunity for you. And so it doesn't come from nowhere. And it doesn't necessarily come from just people being jerks. You know, like there are some jerks. We've gotten some interesting comments, even in some of the conversations we've been having. ah It's not just people being awful and being like, well, you're irrelevant now.
Speaker: It's also, it it was true. We didn't get here just from wrinkles. Yeah. Right. And perimenopause and all of that. Like it's not just insomnia. Like we, it comes from an honest place. Yeah. We're just like, Oh, we have so many more advancements to understand why this is so terrible. Like this,
Speaker: yeah The advancements are ah hopefully working in the opposite way where we're able to feel better because we know better. There's some of the resistance, like personally, societally. And then you really, you mentioned too, just kind of being in this weird place, the contrast between praise God, i am alive, you know, and it's been five years.
Speaker: And then also, not feeling like you want to be grateful for this milestone at the same time and talk about like what that journey has looked like for you and you know like guilt versus gratitude and all of that whenever i was diagnosed obviously i never prayed that hard and then of course i had never prayed ever about please let me live. yeah Even in the midst of it, the way that people cared for our family. yeah And another reason why I'm so excited to have so many people come and celebrate my birthday, they met our physical needs while our family was going through
Speaker: help. Well, and they also were praying for your life. They were praying. i mean, they just, they just showed up. Yeah. literally Like literally showed up. I could praise in the moment. Like that is something where I could quickly recognize the provision the you know, I didn't want to ever forget.
Speaker: And you then kind of move past the chaos of it all and find your life, you know, kids don't stop needing things. Life doesn't stop. And then you're like, oh, I guess that means I'm having a big birthday. yeah You know how like somebody gives you a gift and you're like, oh, thank you.
Speaker: And you don't want to like sound ungrateful. Yeah. Like I felt kind of like that. Even if you ask for it, it's like, you know what I need are some new cooking utensils.
Speaker: Could really, those will really be practical. But then you open, and then somebody's like, I remember you said you wanted cooking utensils. I'm going to buy you that. you're just like, thank you. Thank Would have really liked some diamonds, but thank you for the cooking utensils. Yes. like and Like I try not to equate like the gift of life to like something less. Kitchen gadgets, yeah. Kitchen utensils, but something like that where I just felt like in the moment where it was like I had asked for something and it was given to me and it felt very wrong to then turn around and have the posture of, oh,
Speaker: I can't believe I'm going to be 40. Can you? This is awful. Because then it was just like, this means I got what i asked for. Yes. And how could I try to make it sound like a bummer? It's like evidence of an answered prayer. Yes. That has been the tug of war there. yeah Where I still had those feelings that had kind of been ingrained in me from childhood or and and things that we've experienced and cultural things. Like those are still there. yeah And I have to like actively remind myself and just be like, yes, but God is good.
Speaker: Look what he did. And it's like not that every day is a fairy tale and I don't feel like, you know, overwhelmed by the things, but i I have to make a conscious decision to say like, yeah, but. There's several things that are coming to my mind. The first is like you're not alone in forgetting things. It's why God commanded Israel so many times in the Old Testament to set up a more a memorial, set up um um a monument. Tell your kids about this because we're so forgetful. Yeah. And we always laugh at the Israelites like through um like their journey in the Old Testament of like how forgetful they were. Because it's like, we're reading it in chapters, and it's like, oh my gosh, God did this amazing, miraculous thing. And then right after that, they turn around and start complaining about this amazing, miraculous thing that God did because they don't have this other thing that they wanted And it's like rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. And the tendency is to look at that and be like, you foolish people. And then it's like, no, but me, like i same thing. And God knows that. He constantly wants us to set up these memorials in our mind. Like this almost is an act of that. Like this celebration is an act of that. It can become something else if we want to be weird about it and make it like, come on, everybody, let's make this a cool party and we're all awesome and whatever. But like, This is an opportunity to set up a monument and a memorial and say, look at your faithfulness, God. Like, look at what you've done. The other part of this is one time I was listening to a sermon. i don't even remember this pastor's name, but I was like, ooh, brother, thank you. hes He said, our relationship with the Lord is vertical, but our challenges come horizontally.
Speaker: And so we often lose sight of this because what's in our immediate line of sight is right here and we forget to look up. So like even this morning, i got in very late last night.
Speaker: I had a less than ideal experience. It was fine, but it was like a less than ideal experience logistically. Anybody who's ever been to an airport and tried to get a rental car and like the whole thing is dumb. Like it's just, there's no way that we can't come up with a more efficient solution. And there's a guy, you know, that's like, I'm texting Helena like, this guy is, I'm not going to say where he was from because then I'll alienate an entire state of the country. You're an aggressive, angry state, one of you. You know who you are. And I was like, his tags say this, and I believe him because he is just a hot little potato right now. like He is losing his mind because the shuttle to the rental car place isn't coming, whatever.
Speaker: So I stood up really late last night. It's been a crazy, insane week. You know, it was a lot of logistics. I get to the hotel, I get everything unpacked. I don't get to bed until like 1am because I'm wired. And then I wake up, I get very little sleep. I'm working through all these things in my mind. Like I just stopped and I was like, God, thank you for my best friend's life.
Speaker: Thank you so much that I get to be here in this moment. And then I get to celebrate with my best friend that she is alive. Thank you that you have given us all this wisdom. Thank you for a husband who is supportive and wants to send me here and say, go and celebrate. Like, thank you, God, that I get to see some of my best friends on planet earth and that we all get to be together. Thank you. that you have shown yourself to us, that we have we have a connection that's deeper than just like a lifelong friendship. We are sisters in Christ. We're going to dance together in heaven and we're going to dance together tomorrow. you know Yes. like Thank you for those things. like That's the difference is yeah it changed everything in that moment. All of the reality still existed around it, you know but it changed the the moment, the perspective of like, look at this thing we get to do. you know And so I think it's the same thing as we walk into 40. It's not ignoring that like our bodies are changing.
Speaker: I am so tired of waking up every morning at 3 a.m. and being wired. And I know I'm not alone in that, that like the insomnia is hitting all of us in perimenopause. I am so tired of my inner ears itching.
Speaker: Like, that's a thing? Oh, Lord. You get like deep inner ear itch and it's like in there and it won't go away. And I'm like, i don't care. I'm digging in my ear right now because it's just so bad. Oh my gosh. Yes. And it just comes out of nowhere. And you're just like, is something wrong? Nope. My body is just changing. Like those things are still true. My husband and I, Lord willing, are not done having kids yet. And there's that whole thing of like, do I really want to carry another baby in this nearly 40 year old body? Like I'm getting kind of old for this. Like ah my back hurts a little and my sciatica, and you know, like like I could look at it that way. And sometimes I do. Or we can say like, we are here. Not only are we here, but like, God, you have revealed yourself to us through all of this. You've taught us to see you as you are, and you've taught us to see ourselves as we are, and you've in turn then taught us to see other people as you see them. And that has allowed us to experience this life that you gave us so much more abundantly. And because we are um what's the word the Bible uses for hating correction? Stupid. Because we are stupid and forgetful. So deep. I love your theological. It's in Proverbs. I didn't say it. Solomon did. Take it up with him. Because of those things, it's taken us this long, but also like God is unsearchable.
Speaker: So when he says, I am, you're never going to understand the full weight of that. And it takes a lifetime and eternity, you know, to to really grasp that. And so we're 40 years into understanding what I am means, you know, and and that's a blessing. Things are finally starting to connect. more meaningfully. Yeah. And to know it, it only gets better if I seek it. I'm kind of in the boat where I get afraid to like tell God things.
Speaker: Cause it's like, you read it in the Bible and people are like, well, I can say that. Cause God told me, I'm just repeating it back to him. And I'm just like, don't really feel like I can say that to him. Like when what? Like, i don't know. Like when I see you and I'm in, you know, in eternity and like, am I going to do this? And it's like, do I get to say that I'm going to see God in eternity? Like for, for sure, for sure. Like that, you know what I mean? Not that I, i all right. i get Let me tell you. no No, no, This is good. I hear you, but here's what I've found to be true. You questioning that.
Speaker: is not questioning your worthiness. It's you trying to use your judgments instead of God. He said you will. So you don't get to say, i don't know that that's true because I haven't done enough, whatever, and I'm not a good and I'm not. No, you're not except Jesus's blood that covers you is what makes you perfect and whole.
Speaker: And 100% believe in the power and the worthiness, the acceptability of that sacrifice. No, I don't think that I'm worthy except that he said so. And that's how I approach him often in prayer. Like, cause I'll start with who am I yeah that you involve me in anything that you're doing Yeah.
Speaker: It quickly turns to, i am exactly who you say I am. And you say that I'm your daughter. So not because I trust in myself, but because I trust you, like I choose to say that I am a daughter of the King and that I will be with you in eternity. I cannot possibly imagine how that could happen because I know who I am. I know who I've been.
Speaker: i know what I've done. and you know those things too. And you say that this is so, And I don't understand, but I do know that it's true. Now, I often think about, and I should know the exact verse in Mark where the father says to Jesus, help my unbelief when asking for him to heal his daughter. Yes. And he says, if you can.
Speaker: Yeah. And Jesus's response is, this is a question. Like if I can't, and he's like, well, help my unbelief. Yeah. And i have prayed that prayer from the same angle as a parent. But I think because I have a terrible memory with like quoting scripture, I attempt to pray scripture. And it's like, I just say like, help my unbelief. Yeah. Help my unbelief. You remember that guy who said that thing? That thing that said,
Speaker: Like in Mark, I know that is Mark. yeah Help my unbelief. I don't know. i just like, that's just kind of my posture where if there's things where I'm like, when I get to heaven, if you'll let me in, but it's like, yeah you know, like that type of like, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to, you know, whatever. It's like, help my unbelief. I hear that. I think it's more, don't wait to get to heaven. Like ask the question and then say, i trust that you'll give me exactly what I need to know when I need to know it and then watch him do it.
Speaker: Yeah. Where were we? I don't even. That was a good, well, speaking ah speaking of the Bible, talking about the eternal significance or the the biblical significance of turning 40 and just the number 40. I liked this little brief little study we did about like the symbolic weight, what 40 represents. Like there's there is a lot of like at the end of 40, some things that that people were waiting for come to fruition. Noah, it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, which was terrible because that meant everybody died except Noah and his family.
Speaker: And they were just in an ark a lot longer than that. But it was like 40 days and 40 nights. Moses was on Mount Sinai for 40 days. Israel wandered. This one is so comforting to me. Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. Like what would have taken what, like three weeks or something like a very short period ah to just go from a to b They wandered for 40 years. Yeah. When you look at a map,
Speaker: You're just like, interesting. I remember seeing a map of their trail of 40 years that they, the, you know, the, the route that they took. I remember thinking like, well, that just seems so unnecessary.
Speaker: Obviously when you're not only unpacking it, maybe in a study or just trying to gain understanding of what that was like, it's like, well, if God just led us straight to the thing every time, like we would not learn. Yeah. Those trials and those prayers and like falls and chances of redemption, like all the things like that was what they needed. oh yeah. This is proof positive that God it knows us and wants relationship with us. It says when he first let him out, he took him the long way around out of Egypt because he knew that if they saw this first city or population that they were going to have to conquer, they would have turned back. Yeah. Like he knew their limits. He knew like, they won't follow me there. And he didn't go, well, you guys are idiots. Figure out on your own. You know, try to tell you took them another way.
Speaker: Oh my gosh. Does that not apply to the last 40 years of my life? Yeah. All the different ways that it's like, I could have just followed him. Ooh, this hurts. I could have just followed him and kept my eyes on him. Right. And he knew she's not going to go there with me because she doesn't know me yet, but I'm going to lead her this long way around and we're going to get there. But I know that she will...
Speaker: go right back to captivity if I try and take her the quickest way, you know? Right. David and Solomon both reigned for 40 years. Jesus was 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness, no food or water. Didn't we read that it was 40 days that Jesus walked with the apostles in Acts 2? Yeah. Like after, um, after his resurrection, like, yes I guess like the story of acts 40 days appearing to the disciples after his resurrection. Yes. There's something there and we don't know what it is, but we know that he like, he uses that stuff. Well, I think it was also described as the symbolism there. It was like after that time period, like a, a time of transition, yeah a time of renewal, a threshold of a new beginning. So there were often references to people being 40 or in their forties, like when something really significant happened in the Bible. And I, like, I feel that don't you like, yeah whether it was supposed to be different or it wasn't,
Speaker: It wasn't different. And we're here now. I can look back and go, okay, like I'm ready. I see, i see i see what you did, Lord. i see what you're doing. And i'm not that I think that I am capable of doing anything in my own flesh, but I do see all the ways that you've equipped me for the things that you're the spaces that you're putting me into now. I used to, when I was younger, spend a lot of time toiling over things that I wished were different. Yeah. Circumstances, timing. i don't do it as much now, but I find that if I find myself doing that, I try to say and remind myself like God's timing is perfect.
Speaker: Yeah. It is so intentional. Who am I? Yeah. To tell him, i think this timing was a little off and it should have been over here and you placed it by here. Not sure if that's on an accident, but I'm just going to let you know. just Yeah. I noticed doing a QC audit of of your work. just wanted to bring this to your attention yeah and just tried to say like, well, what am I missing? If I got that the way that I think it should have been, what would I have missed out on?
Speaker: I think about this, um not so much anymore, but I always thought, oh, well, like whenever I got married, like, oh, was so old. 27? Yeah. You were so young. But culturally, were from, should have been married should have already been married. yeah Preferably with an like at least one little kiddo yeah running around. And so I used to sit and think like, man, I just, maybe if I wasn't just out gallivanting, just having a good time in college, like took a little extra time. and maybe If I finished college a little sooner, like, but I don't think I was as mature as I needed to be to handle certain things. And like, when I look at people who did get married young, I'm like, well, that is just proof that God makes everybody different. Cause I just could not. And you don't, you don't know what's going on in their household. Like they may have had different challenges than you, you know? That's true. Yeah. For my husband and I, people kept saying to him in the beginning was like, the first year is the hardest. The first year is the hardest. Oh, it's so hard.
Speaker: And i think that was coming from people who maybe got married a little bit younger because we were even older than you and your husband. When we got married and I thought the same thing, but it was like, there were certain things in the beginning, like, yeah, it's harder when you're older, especially like we both had our own spaces and places we were established in our careers and, you know, we had lived on our own and stuff. So there were things that were harder,
Speaker: sort of to like navigate. But at the same time, there were so many things that were not difficult about that. You know, it was just because when you're older, you just look at each other and you go, you're the one. Yes, you are too. We're going to do this. All right, we're going to do this. I wasn't expecting him to be my savior and he wasn't expecting me to be his trophy and, you know, all these different or his maid or whatever. it's good news. Yeah, I mean, but i but I do think if we had been, oh my gosh, if we had gotten married, it wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't have. been I always say, i'm like, yeah it just would not have, like the person that I know that I was yes and the person that-
Speaker: You know, because I knew my husband before we started dating. Yeah. And I'm just like, that would not have worked. No. It just would not. We would have never gotten to proposal. Like there, we actually, we talk about this a fair amount. Like the people that we each were, i often say like, if you had met there were opportunities for our paths to cross earlier in our lives. Like when we looked back, like there were some opportunities and it didn't happen ah because God is good. Can you imagine my husband meeting 2005 Anne-Marie? No.
Speaker: yeah He would have been like about face. Go in the other direction. Like that's a hard. I mean, I was going to say that, but I didn't want to sound like he, like I was being judgmental towards him. Well, it's kind of judgmental of both of us. Cause it's like, I was, I, I was not a marriage material in 2005. Definitely wouldn't have been marriage material according to the 2005 version of him, you know, and it wouldn't have happened. Yeah. And I'm so thankful that it did. yeah When you're talking about like, what would it have been like if I would have gotten what I wanted at the time that I wanted it? Like that just broke my heart. Like the things that I prayed for, the things that I was begging God for. Right. Yeah. That was like, please, can I just have this thing that's going to be absolutely detrimental to my soul? And God's like, no. And I was like, well, I'm mad about that. i mean, isn't it just like the epitome of like,
Speaker: Once you become a parent, you're just like,
Speaker: rud Oh, that's what that feels like. Man. Well, it's like, obviously you look at your own parents and you're like, I'm sorry. Yeah. I did that to you and now I'm having my child do it to me. But then when you look at that in your relationship with God, it's just like such a different weightiness to it for obvious reasons. Yeah. And it's in that light, I think, that I'm often like, I'm not here to tell you what to do. ah That's kind of the angle that I'm coming at.
Speaker: Because I know that I am. I'm in my place. I'm a Malone. I respect my elders. I respect you. You know my heart. You know what's good for me. And I'm going to tell But if it's your will.
Speaker: You know, be cool. Do you know what? With that, like, it's almost like with your own kids. Yeah. Wouldn't you rather them be honest with you about what's on their heart? Wouldn't you rather them say the dumb thing yes that you know is dumb and not for you to go, well, that's a really stupid thought, it's child of mine, but for you to be able to give them some context that they don't have.
Speaker: So I would challenge you and I challenge myself the same thing because I do that where it's like, I know you're better than me. I know that you know everything. So just your will be done. But sometimes you got to go, I really want this or I really hate this or I don't understand this or this makes me angry or I think this is dumb because it it opens up a line of communication.
Speaker: You know, like you don't want children that are just compliant. Right. Like in some moments you do, but like, correct and and he doesn't necessarily either. Like he, he wants relationship. And so he gives us that opportunity to say like, yeah, I disagree with you on this. Do you know what i used to say? Actually, it was when I was living here. Cause I call the time in my life that I was living here. I called it timeout for, for reasons. I remember you saying that. I just forgot. Yeah.
Speaker: But there were so many times that I was like sitting alone in my apartment and I would say to God, either I would write it down or I would say it out loud. I just want you to know, I just want you to know that I'm, this is not my favorite part.
Speaker: I want you to understand that I'm not enjoying this right now. And I would say that to him often. And you know what I never heard? Annemarie, that's disrespectful. You need to be quiet. He just listened, you know? And he was never like, I'm going to smite you for your insubordinates. Like, just go along with it. I'm trying to teach you something. He didn't do that. He was like, I know. You know, I often say to my kids, like, when I need them to do something and they don't want to do it, and like, I'm getting the kickback and I'll just...
Speaker: I said what I said. Yeah. And so they're stalling or refuse, whatever it is. And I just go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And they finally just are looking at me. They're like, I don't think you're sorry.
Speaker: where it's just like, i kind of sorry feel that way. Right. And it's like in the, in the better, more loving way, it's kind of, I feel like God's just in there just being like, I'm sorry. yeah Because it's not like he's going to be like, you're right. I'll just give you that. Oh, yeah. It he feels bad to watch you struggle. You asked that way and said it in that tone. Now I get it. There's two parts of this that are true. Like God never meant for death. Yeah. That was not his original intention. And he's been very clear about that. And so there is a part of as we age and we get closer to physical death, which is –
Speaker: true, whether you're turning 14 or 40. And so that's something to grieve because God grieves that too. And yet there is this part, if we could rather than horizontally look at this, if we could look at this vertically, like it's such a gift and it's not one to be taken lightly. i mean, this just came to me. Like I do feel the weight of the responsibility when the Bible talks about all the, whoo,
Speaker: all the elders casting their crowns at the Lord's feet. It's like he has given us, he has adorned us, he has given us these crowns. He has crowned us with his glory, each in our own unique ways that that glorify him. He's given us these gifts that we did not earn, that we do not deserve.
Speaker: And they're not just for us to walk around. you know Wisdom is not a crown to to lord over other people. It is a weapon. It is a tool. And is it a means to glorify God? And I feel the weight of that responsibility. What I love about that and what takes the pressure off of my neck and head from the crown that he's given me is I know that I'm going to wear this crown that he's given me of wisdom, of the beauty that he's adorned me with. That's his. I'm his creation. and It's his. I'm going to take that. I'm going to use it for his glory.
Speaker: and then when I see him, I'm going to give it back to him and say, and hopefully what he says to me, what he says he's going to say to me is well done, good and faithful servant. The place we find ourselves is recognizing the crown. You have been crowned with grace and wisdom, and you've been crowned with uniquely beautiful things. I have too, but like, let me say this to you. Like you've been crowned with these uniquely beautiful attributes and that radiate his beauty and that point other people, the watching world back to him. That's a compliment and that's a praise, but really that is his love and goodness reflected in you as you die to yourself and become more of him. And it's not for everyone to just go look at that beautiful crown. It's for you to bless others and then for you to take that and lay that at his feet at the end of your race, whenever that is. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: And we're so thankful. I will speak for everyone. We're so thankful that the end of your race was not five years ago and that it's not now. Just celebrating you, friend. So take it, receive it, and dance with us. Oh, I will i will meet you on the dance floor. I know. For sure. We were just talking earlier for this about how I don't receive words of affirmation very well. But I will just say thank you.
Speaker: You're welcome. Yeah. The rhetorical question, I'll be honest, this came from chat. Good old chat. But chat takes things from humans. So like there's some wisdom here. And the question was like, why are we trying so hard to look like the women we used to be instead of becoming the women we're supposed to be? There's certain things and no shame in anybody's game.
Speaker: Whatever you decide to do with your own vessel is your own business. Yeah. But for me, there are certain things that I'm like, I'm not fighting this. My dear sweet mother gifted me with, you know, my hair starting to go gray at 19. No way. Yes, girl. Yeah. And you wouldn't have known that because I dyed it from the time I was 13, 12. At some point when I was pregnant, obviously I wasn't dying my hair. It was a geriatric pregnancy even then. and I kind of just looked at myself one day and was like, I'm not fighting this. I have lived all of this life, every single minute of it. And I'm not going to try and hide the things that got me here. I'm not saying I'll never do anything anymore.
Speaker: you know I, me, I personally am not going to sh try and hold on to the symbols of my life that represent the places where I was actively running from the Lord and pursuing things that were detrimental. I am going to maintain the body that I've been given and the mind that I've been given more importantly, but I'm not going to chase youth and I'm not going to receive that message from anybody. I'm going to celebrate the beauty in other people and I'm not going to compare and I'm not going to pursue a veneer of what was. I'm going to embrace the ways that my heavenly father has adorned me. I used to say, like, I just feel so grateful. oh my husband just thinks I'm beautiful. And I liked when my husband would be complimentary and yeah like, oh, he like loves me. And like, that's a good gift that you have in marriage is that you're loved.
Speaker: But I feel like the comfort that I used to take in that is like not as that voice is a lot softer. Yeah. I don't know. It just doesn't hold as much...
Speaker: ah importance for sure. You're not elevating it above things that it shouldn't be elevated above. Like it's still, you want that in your marriage, obviously. Of course. That's healthy, you know, and it's a good thing. i actually had to remind myself of that. It was like, let your husband delight in you. Like that's a good thing. You know, like there's, you shouldn't be like, leave me alone, you know, whatever. Don't say that. Yeah. Stop. But, but also my husband's and your husband's opinions of you, whether positive or negative, They're not above the eternal. They're important. They're so important and they're so welcome and and necessary, but they're not.
Speaker: Ultimate. The ultimate validation. Right. Nor is a jury of your peers or your own critical self. For sure. Well, here it is. 40. We're here.
Speaker: we welcome you in, you weird, wild era. Yes. Stay tuned for more. Yes, where it's we're only getting started. That's right. Friends, we are so grateful that you have joined us on this journey. Thanks for coming along for the twisty turny ride of ah turning 40. As we always say, this is our love letter to God.
Speaker: That's why we do this and we give all glory to him. So if it benefits, inspires, or otherwise helps you, great. And we believe that it will, but know that this is a conversation between us and God, and we'd love for you to come along. It's an open conversation, but it's it's really for us and him. So if you feel like someone would benefit from this conversation, whether you know that person or not, there's a few different ways you can do that. You can share.
Speaker: this conversation wherever you're streaming this you can also engage in the conversation because engagement helps the magical algorithm to know that people are interested in care so um whether that's a comment or a like or a share whatever it is we would be honored so thanks for coming along and we look forward to seeing you on the next twister turn bye
