Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome back to Since I Became a Mother, the podcast about the things that motherhood changes, the things no one warns you about, and where we figure out who we are becoming together. I'm your host, Taylor Rae Roman.
Speaker: Hello guys and welcome back to another episode of since I became a mother guys This is a solo episode and it's the first one that i've done since I believe the first episode of this season So i'm really thrilled to be able to come to you solo and talk to you about a topic that is Truly so close to my heart and has really colored my entire experience as a new mom I'm almost 18 months into motherhood.
Speaker: i think I'll feel like a new mom truly forever. I don't know when I'll stop feeling like a new mom, but as a new mom, postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression were a huge part of those first few months for me. And honestly, something that I'm still working through. Definitely not something that I have solved and We're gonna get into it a little bit today.
Speaker: When i was thinking about this episode, I considered speaking to a therapist, speaking to an expert, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or one of the amazing people in this city in New York that specifically work with new moms. I ultimately decided I wanted to kind of just share this story and make it my own. Reason being that so many of us do have the data, and I am gonna share the data, But for me, i couldn't see myself reflected in a lot of the data that I was reading in the symptoms that people were sharing with what postpartum depression was supposed to look like in a clinical sense. I didn't necessarily feel that that resonated with me. And so I hope by sharing my story a little bit more anecdotally and
Speaker: Going honestly step by step with like how it felt for me, what my symptoms were, how I worked through it, where I am now and kind of walking you guys step by step through it. Maybe you will see something that you feels reflected within you. I remember listening to my friend Sarah Merrill Hall, who hosts podcast.
Speaker: Bottle Service is the name of her podcast, Bottle Service, and Big Kid Problems is like her whole platform. And she spoke about her postpartum depression. And when I listened to her episode, I was walking down the street with my son in his bassinet stroller, and I was thinking, ah for the first time, some of these things really do sound like me. And I'm thinking maybe that might be one of your experiences today. So whether your baby's in the carrier, on your chest, sleeping on you during a contact nap, in the stroller, whether you're on your own, on your way to work or commuting or in your car, wherever you're listening to this episode, i hope that you just feel so held and seen because...
Speaker: Going through ppa and PPD is no joke. It is so hard. It is so tough. And before I dive into it, of course, I want to say if any of this is resonating with you, if you suspect that you're feeling anything like this or really struggling with your mental health and new motherhood, I want you first and foremost, I know you have your phone or your computer where you're listening to this. I want you to reach out to someone in your life. I want you to reach out to your OB, your child's pediatrician, your partner, your friend, your parent, your sibling, your neighbor. I want you to reach out to someone and let them know that you're going through it.
Speaker: um There is no shame in it. And let's get into it. Let's talk it through. So first of all, I kind of wanted to bring the data to you guys, the the research.
Speaker: And kind of also fill in the blanks of like why the research is this way and reflected in this way. um So first of all, about one in eight women report to the CDC experiencing postpartum depression in the United States.
Speaker: And a large global review found that postpartum depression was about 27.6%. And that global review kind of looked at all of the studies that we have right now on postpartum depression. And I will link all these studies in the show notes, of course.
Speaker: The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology, or ACOG, reported that 6% to 8% of women experience anxiety within the first six months after delivery.
Speaker: So when we hear these numbers, like 1 in 8, or we hear 1 in 5 have postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, we're What I want you to understand is a few things about those numbers. So these depend on clinical diagnosis, something that was self-reported, a screening questionnaire like the one that you got at your child's pediatrician or your OBGYN.
Speaker: And then it also shifts depending on if we're looking at just depression, just anxiety or all perinatal mental health conditions. So what's really important to understand is that almost all of this data that we have when we say one in five women have postpartum depression in the United States, for example, that means one in eight women, first of all, filled out a questionnaire at either their OB b or their child's pediatrician, because pretty much all of this research is gathered in that way. Self-reported at a doctor's office using the Edinburgh
Speaker: postnatal depression scale the epds which is a 10 item questionnaire which surely you got at either your ob b or your child's pediatrician and using that scale then the healthcare provider will look at it they will score it it gives you a number and if that is leading towards you having postpartum depression postpartum anxiety they may send you or suggest you go to a healthcare professional And then we're waiting for a clinical diagnosis. So you have to go through all of those steps.
Speaker: Then that's what leads us to the one in eight figure. So I think that's really important because so many moms that I've spoken to have said that they didn't even necessarily fill out that questionnaire honestly because they didn't want their pediatrician to judge them, their OB b to judge them. Or they did feel fill it out. They said, yeah, I need help. Yeah, I'm drowning. Yeah, this is tough. And no one really did anything.
Speaker: that That practitioner might have said, okay, you should see a therapist. But no they didn't really hand you off to someone to support you. They didn't really, you know, at the end of the day, they say, yeah, you might want to see a therapist, but...
Speaker: than kind of the balls in your court. So I think it's really, really important to understand those numbers because before I had my son, what I understood was, okay, only one in eight women experience postpartum depression. So doesn't really sound that common to me. Probably not going to be me. What I didn't understand was one in eight women go all the way from filling out that questionnaire to getting a clinical diagnosis. There's a lot of steps before we get there. And what I've learned by being around moms, speaking to moms, having moms in my inbox every single day, is that I think that figure is a lot higher.
Speaker: I think it is overwhelming how many mothers I meet that are going through it, babe. Okay? Going through it with either symptoms of depression or anxiety.
Speaker: So that's what the research says and I really just wanted to start there because I want you to understand that when you have it in your mind that postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety are so rare or seem so rare based on the figures and the data. And keep in mind this research is super important. I'm glad that we have this these figures and this data.
Speaker: It doesn't tell the whole story though, right? So that's kind of what I'm trying to bring into context. That being said, i just want to share a little bit about my story. So I remember those days of early postpartum when I was in the hospital.
Speaker: I felt great. I felt great. And when I got home, suddenly i felt overwhelmed by the sudden transformation of motherhood and the weight of it all. The fact that 24 seven, i was responsible for everything my son needed. i also exclusively breastfed, which I will get into more because I think that this experience of postpartum anxiety, especially really colored that decision. But I kind of like saw postpartum anxiety coming because I've always been an anxious girl.
Speaker: And my baseline for understanding how anxiety and depression manifested within myself was when I was in college, my parents got divorced. At that time, i started seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed with situational depression and anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder. And I took Lexapro for about a year and a half to manage those symptoms, continued going to therapy, still have the same therapist today. So I'm very lucky. Love him, Glenn.
Speaker: um Shout out to Glenn. And I that was kind of my baseline for understanding what depression and and anxiety really felt like for me. And I suspected I was going to feel some postpartum anxiety once I had my son, just knowing kind of myself. And when he was born, was.
Speaker: sure enough I got home and breastfeeding was kind of the first way it manifested for me. I felt like if he made a peep when a bottle approached him, i was like, see, he doesn't want it. has to be me. And I really convinced myself that like that was the bare minimum as his mom to sacrifice everything to be with him every two to three hours to breastfeed him. And that's pretty much what my my journey was until he started eating food. I was always...
Speaker: Within a five minute walk of him so that way I could always breastfeed him on demand That was super tough on my mental health cluster feeding was super tough Doing every single night waking was super tough for almost nine months and then not sleeping Exacerbated that anxiety because not sleeping is horrible for your mental health But it the depression part came in a lot quieter every day. I just started waking up feeling like it was going to be the hardest day of my life.
Speaker: And what I think people miss is that I was showering every single day. I was getting dressed every single day. I was putting my baby on a schedule. We were in classes mommy and me classes we were getting out of the house. I was cooking dinner for my family. I was keeping the house clean. And i was posting on social media. I was gaining more and more followers every single day. i was posting content. I was answering my ask me anything, you know, questions every single day. i was showing up super present on those platforms. I was seeing friends every single day that I met at these mom meetups. I was keeping my bubbly outgoing personality and talking to people and out in the world.
Speaker: And from the outside, maybe you wouldn't see how much I was struggling, but inside, i felt like there was just a storm cloud over me at all times and everything felt hard. Everything felt so hard and I truly felt like every day was a fight. Every day i was like,
Speaker: let me just make it another day. Let me just make it another day. And going to sleep was no respite from how hard everything was because then you have the nights and the nights are hard. And then you wake up and you do it all over again. And i truly felt like I was drowning. I remember calling my mom and telling her I am drowning.
Speaker: It was relentless. It was nonstop the mental load. And i thought every other mother was experiencing postpartum the same way.
Speaker: And apparently that's not true. There are many mothers who do not experience postpartum as being so relentless and so just like unforgiving and day in day out going through it.
Speaker: But a lot of mothers definitely do to various degrees. So I remember one day sitting outside doing virtual therapy. i was holding my son and I was telling my therapist, this is literally horrible.
Speaker: Every single day is horrible and every single day is hard. And I don't know what I'm going to do, but I suspect that I might have postpartum depression because I keep Googling how I'm feeling and just every day being hard. And he was like, okay, I totally hear you. You know, he was very much wanting to just explore those feelings more and more with me, not necessarily telling me, yes, you have postpartum depression. And I started talking my mom about it. i started talking to my husband about it. And one tool he suggested, which kind of goes into when my postpartum depression was peaking, which was when my son was about eight months old,
Speaker: One tool he suggested is called empathetic listening. So he suggested I just like talk to my husband and really try and unload everything i was feeling in a way that he wouldn't try to solve it He wouldn't try to find the solution. He wouldn't try to fix it. He would just hear me. And I remember sitting down with him in our bed and telling him, i want to try this exercise I just want you to listen and maybe repeat back to me what you're hearing. And I just broke down telling him how my entire mental space, my entire brain was filled to the absolute brim with everything about my son and this life. In some ways, like some solid examples is like I would go food shopping. Food shopping became like absolutely treacherous for me. And I still feel like I am, i have like,
Speaker: residual fear of food shopping from this time in my life. So I would order everything online, right? Like order it for delivery from Whole Foods and I would make the food shopping list and I would plan what we were going to eat for this week. But then I would think I'm going to have to food shop again next week. So should I put things on auto shop? Should I automatically have it be delivered next week? But what if the delivery comes at the time that he's napping and what if the doorbell wakes him up or what if my dog barks when the doorbell rings? When are they going to deliver the groceries And it was a never ending cycle because you will always need to eat for the rest of your life.
Speaker: And that would break my brain every single week. and these are kind of like the things I was going through when it came to my anxiety. and then the depression layered on top of that, which just resulted in me feeling tired.
Speaker: Like there was a storm cloud over my head and like every day was just, you know, wading through the mud. Right. ah So I really expressed all this to him. My husband is truly my rock. He is
Speaker: I could not have made it through postpartum without him. I could not have made it through the early days of motherhood without him. He is the most important piece of the puzzle. And he truly held me together when I was broken into a million pieces. And I told him how horrible I felt, how rock bottom I felt. And he just listened. He didn't try to fix it. He told me that he couldn't fully understand because he wasn't himself experiencing it, but that he heard me. He repeated those thing things back to me. And I feel like that was kind of the beginning of this healing journey for me.
Speaker: And then on top of that, my husband really stepped in and kind of took over these things that he knew i just couldn't continue to do. So we did only contact naps for the first almost four months of my son's life, exacerbated by my postpartum anxiety because at least I knew he was breathing. He was okay if he was on my chest and I felt like he couldn't sleep without me. And I never let him try. i never put my son down once for a crib nap until he was...
Speaker: four months old because I was like, no, I'm his mother. It has to be me. and one day my husband walks in the room. He goes, we're not doing this anymore. I'm going to start putting him down for his naps.
Speaker: And he did. And that gave me time to not have a baby on me and to be a human for a couple hours every single day. Another time where my husband stepped in was when it came to night weaning. He was like, my son was eight months, which is again when my postpartum depression was really peaking.
Speaker: We got um our offer accepted for our new home and my reaction was cool. i was like, okay. Like I was so apathetic. which was a symptom of that postpartum depression. And he was like, pulled me aside that night. and was like, yeah, I think, I think you really need to night wean because you have not had a night of not broken sleep since he was born.
Speaker: And we night weaned. It went so great and so smoothly. I'm so grateful. i basically, everyone always asks how I night weaned. So I will tell you right now. I timed our feeding overnight. It was about 10 minutes.
Speaker: i was like, okay, it's so quick. I reduced it by a minute per side per night. So if it was five minutes each side, then it's four minutes each side. Then it's three minutes each side until I got down to 30 seconds each side. And then I would put my son back down in his crib. He never cried.
Speaker: I knew immediately, okay, girl, it is me. It is not him. It is me holding onto this night feeding and not him. And then... After that, if he would cry the middle of the night, my husband would go to him. He did hate it.
Speaker: I'm not going to pretend that like he was easily able to be put back to sleep. He did hate it. He definitely would cry for a few minutes, but then he would go right back to sleep. And within a week, he was sleeping through the night and my brain began to heal.
Speaker: So that's kind of like very long story short because I feel like I cannot I cannot emphasize enough How much I was going through it like I cannot even i think my brain like really blocked out just how rock bottom I was and I have a bunch of content from that period of that are just legit videos of me like sobbing with text of like how treacherous I was feeling and Those got millions of views because other moms get it. So if you're listening to it, to this episode, I'm sure that you get it, even though at this moment I'm not like breaking down. So I feel like I'm not adequately expressing just like truly how much I was going through it. But it was... Absolutely the lowest lows that I've ever experienced in my absolute life. And I have a note on my notes app that's called trenches. And it's literally just selfies of me at rock bottom with like little notes. And I used to document these.
Speaker: So that I could look back on them when I was in the next rock bottom and remember that I made it through that last one. And I will put it on my stories when I share this episode so that you could see it. i'll I'll share it. I'll save it in my podcast highlight so that you could see it. Some of them are like absolute gibberish, like the caption that I wrote, but I was going through.
Speaker: i was so going through it. And then... I shared a poem um that said, my favorite line from it was, if I told you I had postpartum depression, i wouldn't want you to save me. I'd want you to see me.
Speaker: And that was from the conversation that I had with my husband because i knew no one could fix really how horrible I felt.
Speaker: I just wanted to be seen and I wanted my family and my friends to see how truly broken i felt. And when people say that when you become a mom, the old you dies and you truly are a new person, it is not an exaggeration.
Speaker: i fully was reborn as a new person the day that my son was born. i changed so deeply that I am anew.
Speaker: And grieving that was so hard. And there are so many layers to why new motherhood is hard. It isn't just the way that your body hurts all the time because you went through labor and the way that your body hurts because you're carrying a baby and because you're baby wearing and because they're sleeping on you and because you're nursing. It's not just the way that you are never having a moment to yourself or a moment alone. It's not the way that you suddenly just become the default expert on all things baby because you made them in your body when you're still truly learning everything the same as those around you. It's not that you are expected to jump back into the world as a worker, as a friend, as all of the other roles that you wore.
Speaker: It's the fact that also like our society just does not have compassion, empathy, true support and care for mothers. And I was so blown away.
Speaker: i was so blown away. I was so blown away guys. That being said, now that I've, I think successfully painted a picture of how much I was going through it.
Speaker: What I wanna share with you is kind of the steps I took to to claw myself out of that pit of despair. so i kind of have these in like different like levels. So high level therapy. I never missed a week of therapy.
Speaker: I did virtual therapy, often with Jada sleep on my chest. And that is fundamental, non-negotiable. Family support, talking to my mom, talking to Richard and knowing that I had created this rule of trust that like they would never make me feel guilty for what I was saying. And when I would tell my mom, I hate this, she would never, she would always tell me that's okay. I also hated so many things when you were newborn, it was so hard for me. And like having that safe place, which I know everyone does not have.
Speaker: I know everyone does not have that. And i am sending you so much love because I know that not everyone has that. So trying to be able though to share your feelings honestly, even if it's into a notebook, to really be able to share outside of yourself just how hard it is.
Speaker: um That empathetic listening exercise is a great example of doing that. Having those around you not try and save you, but just be able to see you. Kind of next level, which is just like everyday tasks and routines that really helped me. Showering every single day.
Speaker: Taking that time for myself, I would go into a burning hot shower and I swear it was like the only thing that would make me feel something. Getting outside every single day, no matter the weather. Put the baby in the carrier, put the coat over him, getting outside every single day, non-negotiable. Getting dressed every single day, even those days I didn't leave the house.
Speaker: Putting some something on new, ah even if it was a different new pair of pajamas. Lastly, were mom groups and mom friends that were in the same season of life.
Speaker: Maybe some of those moms I like haven't spoken to in a couple months. Maybe I won't be best friends with them forever. i definitely met a few that I will be best friends with forever, but it doesn't really matter. It just matters to get around other moms in the same season because they will tell you firsthand to your face. Oh, yeah, I'm also struggling with that. I can tell you that all day long on this podcast. But having someone right in front of you with a baby that's around the same age that also is struggling was so crucial for me.
Speaker: Next level was sleep training for me. And again, i know sleep training can be a very controversial topic, and I get into it more in my episode where i talk about baby sleep specifically. But sleep training does have significant outcomes for maternal mental health. And I really, really, really felt that. Not sleeping was wreaking havoc on my mind and my body and i did it for almost nine months and being able to sleep
Speaker: Does that mean my son doesn't still wake up in the middle of the night when he's teething and I go and I comfort him? 100%. But most of the time I get ah i get to sleep through the night. That changed so much for my mental health.
Speaker: And hiring my mom as what we call granny nanny. My mom retired as a preschool teacher and became Jade's caretaker three days a week. And many times I'm there with them because I love my mom and i love hanging out with her. But having help, help, babe, help.
Speaker: Having someone there to help was so crucial. And my mom swooped in at like three months postpartum and started coming sometimes and then became more and more frequent. So we got to this schedule when she retired.
Speaker: Other thing, transparently moving to a bigger space. We were in a one bedroom and that was so hard. We were sleeping on the couch for five months so that we can get Jade in his own space because he slept better.
Speaker: Obviously sleeping on the couch wasn't good for my mental health. And the last piece to the puzzle was starting Zoloft three months ago, which I'm still breastfeeding. My hormones are going up and down.
Speaker: they're not They're not stabilized. I don't know when they will be because i don't know how long I'm going to be breastfeeding for. And I was like, how much more do I need to do?
Speaker: What do I need to prove to feel like I've earned the ability to get more support? And I realized if this was a friend, I would be like, babe, take the Zoloft. Take medication. Do what you need.
Speaker: But I felt I had to exercise every single option. I was waking up earlier before Jade, drinking more water, staying more hydrated, working out more, running more, leaning on my mom more, leaning on more support, like ah trying every single thing, still in therapy. Like, how can I possibly get my mental health better? And I realized this last piece of the puzzle was really going to take it to that next level. And friend, I have to tell you,
Speaker: I feel tremendous right now. I feel the best that I felt right now since Jade was born. i Definitely am not having those spirally anxiety thoughts All of the low mood depression has left my body I still struggle with anxiety because that was kind of there all along You know even before I was a mom I had anxious tendencies But it 1 million times better it is so much night and day and a big part of that is also just time As my son got older, i was able to regain small bits of time for myself, and he didn't need me as much all the time.
Speaker: So at this moment, at almost a year and a half postpartum, I can confidently say that I feel the best that I felt in motherhood.
Speaker: And i feel so excited for continuing to grow alongside my son. Do I know how long I'll be on Zoloft? No, I don't.
Speaker: Do I know if I will have a crash when I wean from breastfeeding? I don't really know. Is there going to be plenty of ups and downs in this journey of motherhood? yeah I'm sure there will be.
Speaker: But all I can say is that I felt severely inequipped for just how emotionally tumultuous new motherhood would be and i don't think anything could have honestly prepared me Except for being in it But if this episode can get to one new mom who is like am I out of my mind or is being a mom really this hard?
Speaker: You're not you're not wrong. You're not alone So that really is my journey with postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression It, like I said, really peaked for me when my son was around eight months old. And then I think it started really subsiding for me when he was around a year. And then I started Zoloft when he was about 15 months.
Speaker: And I'm so happy that I did. This is not Zoloft-endorsed episode, um but it really, really, really helped me along with all the other things that I shared. Once again, babe, if you feel like you're going through it You probably are.
Speaker: You probably are. Trust yourself. Believe yourself. You're a mom now. You have mom intuition and moms know everything. Moms are superhumans with superpowers and one superpower you have is intuition. I really, really want you to talk to someone.
Speaker: I really, really want you to talk to someone that you know in real life. that you can reach out to and start that conversation. Please don't go through it alone. Of course, in the show notes, I'm gonna put the number for any resources, emergency hotlines, all of the things of someone that might be able to help you if you feel like you are going through it.
Speaker: I am so proud of you because you're listening to this episode and maybe this is like the first step towards getting more support. It is not an easy road, but truly I feel so confident in the mother that I am now and also knowing that I went through that and came out the other side makes me feel so much confident, so much more confident myself as a person.
Speaker: Um, I'm proud of you. You're a good mom. You're a great mom. You're exactly the right mom for your baby. They are so lucky to have you. I'm sending you so much love. I'm sending you the biggest hug and I am so happy that we have this community and I hope you feel less alone as always. and I love you and I'm happy that you're here.
Speaker: This was another episode of Since I Became a Mother and i can't wait to see you in the next one. Bye. Bye. Thanks so much for listening. If you loved this episode, if something resonated with you, if you learned something that you think is interesting or amazing, make sure you share this with another mom that you know.
Speaker: All of the links for today's episode will be in the show notes, my social channels, any info about our guests, any links, products, or resources that we mentioned will all be there for you. I hope to see you in the next one released every Tuesday.
Speaker: Before I was a mother, I barely noticed mothers and now they're all I see. I see you.
