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Talk Therapy
23 Plays2 years ago
GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST! You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you must go through it. Whatever is holding you back from moving forward in your life it’s time to bring it to the surface and process it in-order-to move past it. Finding your supportive tribe is the first step in establishing the trust needed to begin your cathartic experience. Tap into your inner knowing to gain the answers within yourself.
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Transcript
Introduction: Aging with Humor and Insight
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to Engaging Aging with Erin and Lauren. Join us as we share laughter, tears, and demystify the realities and silver linings that occur later in life.
Who Can You Open Up To?
00:00:16
Speaker
Welcome back, Engaging Agers. Today we're going to talk a little bit about talk therapy. Who in your life can you truly open up to at any time and let go?
Talk Therapy and Emotional Discovery
00:00:28
Speaker
And, Erin, I think that you have a perfect example of something that you recently went through with a client. Yeah, it was multiple clients.
00:00:37
Speaker
You got listen life is a journey. It's heavy at times. There's ups and downs and relationships and chaos dynamics dynamics. It's just it's a lot and I think for a lot of our older adult clients.
00:00:55
Speaker
therapy and maybe undiagnosed mental health challenges that wasn't a thing of the past. They didn't talk about depression openly as we do now. They didn't talk about bipolar disorder and other things. And so we see people later in life that
00:01:15
Speaker
Or there's been a lot of our clients who've had a lot of loss, children, spouses, siblings, like it's just heavy sometimes. And it continues to blow my mind how much people are holding in, how much people have held in these thoughts, feelings and emotions for decades.
00:01:34
Speaker
And I had an experience on Monday with four different older adult meetings where it was talk therapy. I just provided an open space for people to let it all out and what came out was astounding.
The Power of Presence and Empathy
00:01:51
Speaker
And it's not, I didn't do anything special. I just want to stop you right there because you probably did do something really special because not everyone has the ability to be in front of someone or even to prompt the conversation and let them know that it's okay to be vulnerable in that minute. I just want to say that you probably don't think that you did anything special but
00:02:14
Speaker
Knowing you you did well. I I just shut up. We talked about this a lot. I just sat and with not sympathy but empathy I was fully present and just allowed someone to talk and
00:02:30
Speaker
And it's that simple to all of you listening or watching. Just be present. Practice presence. That's a whole nother thing. I've been on a journey with Eckert Tolle. If you're not familiar with Eckert or his work, it's been life changing for me. That could be another podcast one day.
00:02:46
Speaker
But being fully present and allowing someone to show up in the full version of themselves means you're not here to agree with what they're saying. You're not here to argue what they're saying. You're not here to accept and take in what they're saying. You're just present. It flows through you. Think of a cloud, and you're just there for them. But where I'm going with this
00:03:09
Speaker
is every single person on the other day, the four different people that really opened up and let it all out.
Transformative Relief in Talk Therapy
00:03:17
Speaker
They kept apologizing like, this isn't relevant. We shouldn't be talking about this. And I said, it's absolutely relevant. We are all the product of our life's experiences, relationships, whatever has happened to us is showing up in our day today. So tell me about it. Where are those things at? Tell me those prompting questions. And when it all was let out, and there was a lot for each of them that was let out, one woman actually said to me,
00:03:45
Speaker
Oh my god, I feel like I'm leaving the doctor's office and I took a magic pill. I cannot believe how good I feel. And all she did was talk. So where I'm going with this, and we are not mental, full disclosure, we are not counselors, we're not mental health providers, I did refer a few of them to
00:04:06
Speaker
mental health trained professionals to continue the importance, you know, work of talk therapy. But what I'd like to, you know, toss it to you now for Lauren is like who all of you listening, who do you have in your life?
00:04:22
Speaker
that you can do this with, that you can let it all out without judgment, without fear. Like, I know we have that for each other. I was just gonna say you. You know, I think it's hard because
Friendship, Support, and Self-Talk
00:04:34
Speaker
there are so many different people in your life. I know, especially for me, friends, family, you know, you have friends for more than 10 years that have become family, and you have shared experiences with them.
00:04:47
Speaker
I have been in situations where sometimes I feel like I have diarrhea of the mouth where somebody will just ask me a question and in that moment I think to myself this is great to unleash everything and to get their advice on something but then it's like the the reality hits of
00:05:12
Speaker
Did I say too much? Why can I take it all back that last 45 minutes? Can I take it back? But there are people, and we just said it's us for each other. And I know we had an instance the other day where we both had stuff that was going on. And we just looked at each other after and said, thanks for listening. Because I think sometimes when you talk it out loud,
00:05:34
Speaker
Even though you might not be getting feedback from somebody else, somebody just sitting across from you and listening, you talking about your own thoughts helps you come to your own conclusion. We all have it within us. We have the answers. We know what we need. It's that external environmental stuff that makes us question what our decisions are all of the time. You just hit the nail on the head. I think when we talk it out,
00:05:58
Speaker
We show ourselves the solution that we needed to hear. Yes. No one is ever searching elsewhere for answers. It's all within. But how empowering is that in that moment when you're like, I just came to that conclusion. It wasn't Aaron that came to that conclusion for me. I came to that conclusion. We all know it inside. And it's really hard. So I think that
00:06:19
Speaker
It's a journey to go through and look at who are, we've talked about this in past podcasts before, your tractors and your detractors, who are those people that you can really confidently go to and have some of these really in-depth conversations. I don't think that a lot of people get vulnerable enough or feel
00:06:40
Speaker
that they are safe enough to get vulnerable with each other. And two, I've been in also situations where you're on the other side and you're thinking the entire time, what are they thinking about me? You're assuming that they're making judgments on what you're sharing or they've got stuff in their own life going on. They're bringing that to the room for them.
00:07:04
Speaker
I will say for me personally, when I need to be there for someone or I can feel that somebody needs me, it's not what's wrong. That's not the question I'm asking. It's how can I be here to support you today?
00:07:16
Speaker
I think you're touching on something that I think is really important when you're opening up with someone or you're talking it out.
Healthy Relationships and Boundaries
00:07:25
Speaker
It's a relationship. Relationships are give and take. If I can tell you the older I get and the more work I do, we're coming off a podcast about patience. I'm really trying to step into this. I... God grant me the serenity. I can't handle
00:07:45
Speaker
If it's not a relationship where, you know, it's both ways, I no longer have the energy to just, for those people in my life that are always coming to me with their problems, maybe I do create a really safe environment for people. But I have some people in my life that just want to complain continuously and I can't be that for them. Like energetically, I have to protect myself. I can't go there.
00:08:08
Speaker
And not everybody wants to be lifted up all the time, meaning some people just want a safe place to let it all out. I'm the type of person, you can let it out, but it's very hard for me to then say, well, have you tried this or have you done that? So I may not be the best person to just complain to because I'm probably going to try to give you some solutions. Do you honestly say that to them in the moment or do you just keep going? Nope.
00:08:32
Speaker
I don't know if it is. I feel bad for them. Don't call Erin DiCarlo. But I don't think necessarily they're doing the work to find out who else in their life they can have that relationship with.
00:08:48
Speaker
So I hope that they have someone else to turn to but assess where I'm going in this assess your relationships and make sure you're venting to the right people who one give you the space without judgment to your that person for them as well if you notice that you're the one always talking it out with someone and they're not talking it out back to you and
00:09:11
Speaker
You might want to just evaluate that situation and see if you can offer and say, hey, I call you a lot. You're really helpful to me. Do you need anything in return? Create the safe space back for them. That's a beautiful ebb and flow in a relationship. And I'm not talking about professionally. I will create the space all day long professionally. But I will tell you, if you do the type of work that Lauren and I do every day,
00:09:36
Speaker
energetically, it's exhausting to always be open and always provide that space. I find it challenging to be able to give that space to those in my life personally who need that from me. So it's daily work. I also want to challenge our listeners here today because
Seeking Professional Help
00:09:55
Speaker
Some of you probably have gone through some of this work, but it took me a long time to get there. You have to really look at, too, are you going to the right people, meaning, are you going to the people that when you complain or you have something to talk about, that they're going to respond the way that you want them to respond versus challenge you a little bit, or are you going to the right person that can be of sound mind,
00:10:22
Speaker
Really look at things Like you always say sometimes to you'll give an answer, but then you'll say well, let's play devil's advocate here It's good to kind of play both sides of you know, the coin and really look at something so the reason I say that is because it's important not to just go to the people that are going to yes you to death yes, or to What do they say misery loves company? Yes
00:10:49
Speaker
Don't get really real. Are you going to the right people that are going to help you come to the right conclusions? And are you venting about what you need to vent about? When you look at the current state of politics in America and anger, people are out there thinking, they're talking out their frustration, but really they're just complaining. What's the root of your challenge?
00:11:12
Speaker
Is the anger really about the politician or whatever? Or is it something deeper? And I think that's the importance of professionals. If you find that you are doing talk therapy a lot with your friends, it's probably time to enlist a professional who's been trained, who can guide you through maybe a little bit of deeper work to really get to the root of these challenges so you can start to move past it.
00:11:39
Speaker
You know, I think back to your client situation too. And it makes me wonder in that moment, and I don't have the answer, but maybe you do or felt that from her. Did she need that moment with you? Because she was ready to make some decisions. She's ready to make some change, but she's stuck and doesn't know how. And she needed that moment to do that. Because I think on the opposite side, some people aren't. And you know, you have to get really clear of
00:12:09
Speaker
am I actually going to make change? Am I going to take action to this? Or am I going to stay stuck? So I think in this moment, I say this a lot, I say it probably every day, we all wake up with only so much energy in our reserve. And we have to make conscious decisions on where we're
00:12:24
Speaker
put where we're spending our energy each day. I think it's a great diversion tactic for people to put energy into other things, allowing them to deflect from their current other areas of their life that actually need attention. So I think sometimes these
00:12:41
Speaker
problems, not that they're made up, they are problems, but it's allowing them not to make decisions in other areas of their life because they're too tied up in this dramatic situation that I don't have time to deal with the other stuff. Where it's like, no, you could. You could take a line of action on this, help this start to resolve, and then take baby steps with some of these other things. And I think when you are talking to that non-biased third party that's letting you find your own answers by talking through it a little bit,
00:13:10
Speaker
you'll start to be able to make choices and decisions in all areas. And we always say progress begets more progress. Tiptoe if you must, but take the first step into making some of these decisions for yourself. And don't lean on everyone else to give you the answers, because what's right for me is not necessarily what's right for you. Guide yourself into making choices.
00:13:32
Speaker
making those decisions just by talking out loud. Oh, I want to say this as well. I advise this woman to write a letter to her daughter. And she said, well, what if she doesn't get it or she doesn't read it? I said, it's not about that. You cannot control what someone else is going to do on the other end of any situation in life. But what you can control is how you show up and how you react. By writing everything out in that letter, even if you don't mail it to her, you got it all out.
00:14:00
Speaker
and you worked through your own inner challenges, that is success. So she was actually going to type an email last night because she knew that the email would get to her before this other situation. And that was, I'm sure, very cathartic for her. Whether she hit send or not, she got her thoughts out.
00:14:22
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's so powerful. So it's so in that situation, she needs to have a hard conversation with her daughter, then it wasn't necessarily going to her daughter for help. No, that's where the turmoil is. Okay. With the daughter. So and I said you can come to you can try to meet her in the middle, but she may not who knows her pain and her grudge may be so deep that she may not meet you in the middle. But you can have peace of mind knowing that you did your best.
00:14:49
Speaker
And you can't change people, so that's exactly what it is. You've done your best. Are we all showing up in the best versions of ourselves every day? If the answer to that question is no, then do the work. You deserve to do the work so that you can be whole and full and present to all those around you. You can't control everyone else.
Honest Boundaries and Mental Health Resources
00:15:12
Speaker
I just want to say too, if you're on the other end of talk therapy, you're the person that's sitting there and listening,
00:15:19
Speaker
I do want to empower people to say to like, if you can't be in that moment, you can't be present, you need to be very honest with that person. And it doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean that you don't want to listen to what's happening. But you're doing them a disservice by not being honest with them to say, I'm sorry, but I can't show up in the best version of myself to help you through this right now.
00:15:44
Speaker
and looking at a different or better time that might work well. I think sometimes when things are happening for other people, they need to get it off their chest in that moment, right? But you don't have to receive it in that moment. And I think it's powerful for the individual that needs to vent or needs to share something with you.
00:16:07
Speaker
to be able to really schedule some time where you can be present for them. Agreed. And that goes to boundary setting. We all, especially as empaths, like we all want to be that for others, but we're not helping them if we're not able to be present. That's great advice. Yeah.
00:16:23
Speaker
But it's not easy. I mean, that's why we're here today to talk this all out. Like, you know, it just feels good to get it out. And so, you know, if anyone listening wants to talk it out, we may or may not be the best people to be present for you in that moment. But whether it's a professional or a best friend or a family member, make sure it's the right person. And so you can ask, you can say, I have a lot going on. Are you available to just sit and talk if they say no?
00:16:52
Speaker
don't be offended they're being be thankful correct that they're upfront and honest but it may be time to evaluate who's in your life and who may be able to make some time for you and the last thing too I want before we wrap this up I just want to say I had a really powerful conversation with a family member
00:17:07
Speaker
a couple of weeks ago, who I think has always had challenges sharing and being vulnerable with what's going on in her life. And I sat there, I listened, and I just offered to her and say, you know, it's not always a bad thing to talk to a third party individual that has no idea about what's going on in your situation. No judgments, no bias, whatever. We all come to the table with that sometimes, unfortunately.
00:17:38
Speaker
But again, going back to just allowing yourself to talk that through in the moment, they don't necessarily have to respond. You're going to come to that clarity and those decisions on your own. But there is power in asking for help. There is power in trying to find the right individual to talk to.
00:17:56
Speaker
And it doesn't make you any less of a person. It really doesn't. So if your friends or your family aren't doing it for you or really providing the support where you need, there's a lot of professionals out there that can help you. And you're only helping yourself. But you just have to find the right one for you. It all comes back down to it's a personality match, right? But I just want to say it doesn't make you any less of a person. And there's a different way about going about it so that you feel good.
00:18:25
Speaker
and the other person feels good about being able to help you as well. I wish we were prepared today, which we're not, with a list of resources for people. I know there's one called thewell.com. I've never heard of that. And I'm trying to think, there's maybe like betterhelp.com. I know there's a lot of online resource directories where you can connect with local mental health providers. Unfortunately, the industry's inundated right now coming out of the pandemic.
00:18:52
Speaker
But your primary care physician, if you have a psychiatrist, all of those professionals should be able to provide you with resources. Your local counsels on aging may have a short list of resources for you as well. But yeah, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. We are better together and we're better versions of ourselves for those in our life when we get the help and support that we need.
00:19:13
Speaker
Yeah. And if you can't find anything, just give us a call. We're here to help and guide you in the right area and help you find those resources.
Encouragement and Resources for Aging
00:19:22
Speaker
Or check out our website. We're always updating that with resources as well. So hey, start your own podcast. Yeah, just there you go. Talk it out into the world. And who knows if anyone's listening, but it feels good to get it out. Sure does. Thanks for that, Erin. See you in the next time.
00:19:40
Speaker
Thank you for joining us today. To continue the conversation, follow us on social media at Dovetail Companies or visit us online at dovetailcompanies.com. And remember, change can be difficult. Aging doesn't have to be.