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Patience is a Virtue, Especially Later in Life
21 Plays2 years ago
When you have fallen from the grace of patience, know you are not alone! It is not so easy to be patient with ourselves and others, especially as we age, and life brings a variety of new challenges. Join Erin and Lauren as they dive into patience, how to make small shifts in your daily life and share tips on how to take a breath, moving forward with clarity and ease.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Engaging Aging'
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to Engaging Aging with Erin and Lauren. Join us as we share laughter, tears, and demystify the realities and silver linings that occur later in life. Welcome, listeners, to all of our engaged agers out there. We're thrilled to have you.
Astrology, Coffee Spills, and Patience
00:00:23
Speaker
We are taping this podcast in the middle of a Marchery and retrograde, so we're just
00:00:30
Speaker
I spilled my coffee on my white pants coming in today. Technology is not working. Yeah, but it's all good because today's topic is patience.
The Challenge of Practicing Patience
00:00:39
Speaker
And I think we've had to step into that already this morning. If you haven't heard this quote, I say it quite often, patience is a virtue. We are not as humans programmed to be patient, especially this day and age. We want things now. It's hard to be patient.
00:00:59
Speaker
And we see often with our clients, if they're in a crisis situation or there's a lot going on, it's very hard to take a deep breath, step back, put your plan in place, and have some patience along the way. And we just want to talk about the importance of patience. And when you can take a minute, what does that bring you?
Fear, Uncertainty, and Parental Patience
00:01:25
Speaker
I know for me, the fear of uncertainty of what's going to happen really derails me from having patience sometimes. Wow, because you want to be in control, right? 100%. And it's a false feeling of control. When you want to know what's going to happen and you think you can control the outcome, you're not usually being patient because you're trying to over control and overcompensate.
00:01:49
Speaker
I think what comes with patience is clarity. Instead of being reactionary sometimes when we can take a minute and take a breath, we can gain clarity on what we really want or need for ourselves when we're not reactionary.
00:02:06
Speaker
but also a level of acceptance I feel like comes with patience. Listen, if you know me or you've been listening to this podcast, I have four small children. I would not call myself a very patient person. So this is something I've really been trying to step into and it's not easy for me, but I'm noticing when I take a minute to pause and try to find some patience, I'm showing up in a better version of myself
00:02:33
Speaker
And my reaction to whatever that stimulus is in front of me is very different.
Patience in Aging and Recovery
00:02:39
Speaker
And so if we take that into an aging scenario, something happens. You have a fall. And you want to return home immediately back to the environment and the life you were living before. But it may take a minute to get back to that baseline. And if you rush that process,
00:02:59
Speaker
you may not end up back at home successfully because it's going to take some patience to rehab yourself, maybe back to that able. So let's use what you just said, because I think it's really important when you say, you got to gain clarity first, right? You and I know what that means. We've done a lot of exercises personally and professionally to gain clarity. But for somebody that's listening today that is constantly on alert,
00:03:27
Speaker
doesn't have patience, doesn't know how to even start to practice patience, and we talk about clarity. I always say that there's power in the pause, right? To what you said. What does clarity actually mean, right? Because I think that's going to help us when we start to talk about aging.
Using 'I Am' Statements for Clarity
00:03:47
Speaker
But how do you even get there? Sometimes I think there's so much going on in our minds. There's a lot of external environmental stuff going on. You can say all day, I'm going to try and gain clarity today. But it's easier said than done, right? How do we even take a minute to gain that clarity? I would say, for me, where to start with that is your I am statement.
00:04:10
Speaker
What are your affirmations? The I AM statements that you create for yourself are either attributes or qualities that you know are true about yourself, or you want those things to be true about yourself. So basic is, and it's gonna be different for everyone listening, but I am strong, I am calm, I am kind, I am open, I am acceptant, I am wealthy, I am stable.
00:04:35
Speaker
I am healthy, I am hydrated, I am friendly, whatever it is for you. I'm blessed with family, whatever it is. Take a minute, write down up to 10 things that are your I AM statement. Get really clear on what you know you are or what you want to be.
Reframing Reactions with Affirmations
00:04:55
Speaker
and you could be 99 years old and change your I am statement. You can step into the power of who you want to be or who you know you are. Start with your I am statement, get really clear, and start to say that daily. What happens when you gain clarity on who you are or who you want to be, you can then start to take a line to action to be those things.
00:05:25
Speaker
So with I, okay, here's one of mine. Here we go. Let's put it out there. With my children, I say this a lot, I am calm. I'm calm. So my action in response to whatever stimulus they just threw in front of me, a tantrum, a fight between siblings, whatever, a spilt, a cup of milk.
00:05:43
Speaker
I am calm. But just by you saying that, you are actually reframing everything that's going on in your body, your response system to truly I am calm. I'm causing I'm creating a pause before I react. And it's so interesting when we were just out in the parking lot.
00:06:01
Speaker
and you were getting out of your car in such a whirlwind way, the Aaron DiCarlo way, as I always say it, quick on to the next thing. You had two coffees in hand. You had your bag. You had your life. You had everything, right? And we immediately started going into a conversation. And I could just see slow motion, that coffee going over and just spilling over your pants. But you know what you did? You took that breath. And you just started laughing it off.
00:06:28
Speaker
And that totally changed your vibe. You could have been way worse off thinking, I have white pants on. They're beautiful new white pants. And your life would have been a disaster. But we paused and you laughed about it. It's OK. We got some wet wipes that didn't even work. But yeah, you took that minute to just adjust. And it could have been a very different ending. But you chose differently in that moment. We are taking ourselves in this life way too seriously.
Shifting Perspectives from Despair to Laughter
00:06:55
Speaker
In my professional opinion, we all need to take a breath and laugh and find some levity, especially in these challenging client situations that we're walking into. We have many examples with client cases, but I was meeting with an engaged ager yesterday, and she was in a serious tailspin. She's in a very heightened emotional
00:07:20
Speaker
situation with her children. They're not getting along. It's really ugly and messy. And she's really going down a rabbit hole in this despair that she's currently in. And by the end of our meeting, we were laughing and there was a lot of levity in the room. But we had to take a minute, take a breath, put it in perspective, and let some shit go. Choose your battles, everyone. If we're trying to be patient and calm
00:07:47
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give space for a pause. We need to lighten the mood a little bit. And I'm not trying to minimize. There are real tough situations
Improving Relationships Through Patience
00:07:57
Speaker
that we're in. But if you don't want that to be your all at all times, you need to make some real clear decisions to shift your focus and your energy.
00:08:08
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and just let some of it go. So this client that I met with is in her mid 90s. It sounds like there's been some turmoil in the family for a really long time. And I asked her what, what do you want your relationship to be like with your children? Do you want it to stay in a bad place? Or do you want it to get better? And she said, Of course I want it to get better. I said, So what actions are you taking?
00:08:32
Speaker
goosebumps as you're just saying this right now because I can feel you in that moment. Yeah, I said what actions are you she wanted to redo her will and stop communication and I said if you're of course I want it to get better statement is true. What are you doing to come to the middle of that? What are you doing to help mitigate that stress? Are your current actions fueling that fire or giving pause to shift your direction?
Navigating Transitions Smoothly
00:09:02
Speaker
And so we'll probably talk about that in another podcast more specifically on are your actions in alignment with your goals. But essentially we took a pause and her energy immediately shifted. And so giving patience to a situation allows one for that clarity.
00:09:22
Speaker
What really is the big picture end goal and do we have to rush it? I want to talk a little bit about how patients can help have a dramatic effect in our business when we're supporting clients on their entire transition. If they are feeling in a rush and they have to get to the other end of this transition, what can patients bring to them through that experience if they take a minute and slow it all down? I actually have a great example of this because I was living and breathing it with a client this week.
00:09:52
Speaker
About three and a half weeks ago, I met with a client for the first time and he, prior to me meeting him at his house, he had called me. We probably had an hour and a half conversation on the phone because his anxiety about moving was so high.
00:10:07
Speaker
And he actually came as a referral from another client of ours who had called me before and said, good luck. This is going to be a tough one, but if there's anybody that can do it, I know you can. And he actually said to me, practice patience with him. So I knew from that moment that that's what we needed to do, right?
00:10:24
Speaker
But I went into his house and you could tell it was just swirling energy from the moment that you walked in. His anxiety was so high, but there were reasons behind that. One, his wife always made these decisions. She always made those plans, regardless of what it was. So he knew that he wanted to make that move, that transition, six months ago.
00:10:45
Speaker
But he couldn't do it. He was so debilitated by that. All of his thoughts were in his head. And I just sat there with him and I said, I need you to know a couple of things. One, there's no guarantee in life. Two, you've just sat here and said to me,
00:11:01
Speaker
I can't stay in this house any longer. I can't deal with this social isolation. Every time I'm at that community, I feel so different. I feel really good. And so take a moment to pause and recognize that and go back to that feeling because you're going to be able to have that feeling every single day, every day. You're going to have your ups and downs, but you're going to be able to have that feeling every day.
00:11:25
Speaker
Second, I need you to trust this process. And that trust is really a big piece of patience in my mind, right? We have to have that faith. And part of that trust, to me, means aligning yourself with friends that are in alignment with you, professionals that are in alignment with you, family that are in alignment with you that understand what you want to see happen so that you can talk through that process with them.
00:11:55
Speaker
So when I said to him, I need you to trust and I need you to be patient in the process, we still saw after that first meeting a couple of conversations and times that we were together with him just the anxiety. The reason that I mention this is because we actually moved him
00:12:11
Speaker
this week and I remember sitting in his room with him and we were putting together the books on his bookshelves and he was just kind of like you know sitting on his bed and he looked at me and he started getting very emotional and he said
00:12:28
Speaker
I never thought that I would say this. This process is going far easier, far more smoothly than I ever thought it could go. And I looked him in the eyes and I said, can I ask you something, Larry? He's like, yes. There's that mind. Can I ask you something?
00:12:47
Speaker
I said, what is the first thing that I said to you when I met with you? He goes that I needed to be patient, and that I needed to trust this process. And I said, but look what you've done. It hasn't been easy. You can't change it overnight. But you did that for yourself, and now you are so thankful, right? And he looked at me, and he goes, I would hire your services 10 times over if I could. I wish I had done this sooner.
00:13:15
Speaker
But the point in that is he did take those moments. It didn't happen overnight. He didn't know how to switch that off. But he would take that moment and sometimes we would have to remind him to pause and to look at the bigger picture and to go back to that feeling that he was feeling before when he would go into the community feeling really good about making this decision.
00:13:36
Speaker
And then it all was going to come together. But you didn't meet anxiety with anxiety. I think this is the gift as humans we can give to one another. You came in with a pause and you allowed him, you told him, this is what you can give yourself. And you showed up with a patient energy
00:13:56
Speaker
back at him. So you didn't meet his anxiety with that energy. You met his anxiety with patience and breath. Now I do want to say if there's any engaged aging professionals listening today, this is heavy work. This isn't easy. Like it takes a minute for you to be right in your own headspace to be able to show up the way your clients need you to. Or if you are an engaged age or yourself supporting friends, it's not easy for you to show up for them with calmness. We all have our own
00:14:26
Speaker
going on every single day. But let's allow each
Change, Patience, and Trusting the Process
00:14:30
Speaker
other to lift one another up. And what a professional I used to work with, she used to say, this is actually a great tip for anybody that's feeling like you're trying to grit through patience. Like, I'm trying to be patient. That's not being patient. She used to say, breathe in.
00:14:49
Speaker
Breathe out and smile. Even in the moment of total tension and frustration, breathe in, breathe out and smile. What happens in that moment is you're literally resetting your fight or flight response.
00:15:05
Speaker
And you're reminding your psyche that you are in control. You're not just gonna react to what's happening in front of you. You're gonna breathe in, you're gonna breathe out, and you're going to smile. And that pause is going to allow you to have clarity in the next step that you choose to take.
00:15:22
Speaker
And so I commend you, I know it's not easy in those client cases to always be the patient one, but it worked. I mean, that energy did spill onto him and he ended up more than okay on the other end. You know what I have to say though, in the last two days that he has been there on his own, we haven't heard from him once. Wow. Because you know, I think that he's taking that and he's living his best life. Yeah, I love everything about that.
00:15:48
Speaker
The other thing I just want to mention, too, is I think we always forget change is constant. We can have this picture perfect plan of what's going to happen, how the day is going to go, how our move transition is going to go. But change is always going to happen. It really comes down to, and this is part of patience, how we respond to it.
00:16:10
Speaker
and how we choose to move on from there, how we choose to take action. And part of that is taking that breath. And you mentioned the word earlier, and I think this goes right into that, is faith. Faith is not knowing the how, but knowing that it will all work out. And so to find your faith in whatever that may be, not necessarily in a religious way,
00:16:32
Speaker
But for many people it is in that way. Let go and let God. Or for others just to know that it's all going to turn out the way it's going to turn out and that's the way it's meant to be and don't try to force it or rush it.
Listener Engagement and Patience Stories
00:16:44
Speaker
So join us in this journey. We'd love to hear from you. Are you doing some new practices to step into patience? How is it going? Giving yourself grace along the way when it isn't so easy. So thanks for joining us and we look forward to continuing the conversation. See you again.
00:17:00
Speaker
Thank you for joining us today. To continue the conversation, follow us on social media at Dovetail Companies or visit us online at dovetailcompanies.com. And remember, change can be difficult. Aging doesn't have to be.