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Intimacy and Aging
28 Plays2 years ago
The need for deep human connection and physical touch doesn’t go away as we age, if anything they grow in importance as our social circles and relationships dwindle. The power of a gentle touch or embrace, a kind and heartfelt note, an intimate meal shared with a loved one; these small yet powerful moments are all beyond measure when it pertains to our well-being. Let’s talk!
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Transcript
Introduction to Engaging Aging
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to Engaging Aging with Erin and Lauren. Join us as we share laughter, tears, and demystify the realities and silver linings that occur later in life. Hey, Lauren. Hi. So today,
00:00:20
Speaker
We were joking before. What are we gonna talk about?
Intimacy Among Older Adults
00:00:22
Speaker
Yeah, we're gonna talk about sex, baby. But we're not totally talking about sex in older adults, although there will be a little bit of that in today's conversation. I feel like so many adult daughters are driving right now listening to this like, I'm not ready. What? But it's more about intimate relationships just in general. Yeah, I'd love to just talk about demystifying intimacy
00:00:48
Speaker
You know, I see this happened yesterday. I was actually at the mall making a return and I saw an older woman looking at a young woman in front of me mortified at the lack of clothing that was on the young woman. And we have this like polar divide in our society and our culture between generations. And
00:01:14
Speaker
The definition of intimacy is so different, I feel like, between the generations. And what I'm referring to today in intimacy, to be intimate with someone is to connect on a much deeper level. We will talk about physical intimacy, which is equally, if not more important for older adults as it is for all humans.
00:01:40
Speaker
But the lack of clothing on this new generation is not signifying intimacy or sexual relationships. It's just a whole different way. Intimacy following the trends, maybe? Yeah. Intimacy is meant to be in this conversation today for this podcast.
00:02:03
Speaker
is about the lack of deeply connected intimate relationships between partners.
Caregiving and Relationship Challenges
00:02:11
Speaker
Most older adults have either one lost that spouse, they have not had a deep emotional intimate relationship or physical intimacy and quite some times since the loss of a spouse or they've stepped into caregiver role
00:02:27
Speaker
for their spouse and are missing the relationship they once had with that spouse because their relationship has now been redefined in a new way and we just don't talk about it. We don't. So intimacy can actually be
00:02:44
Speaker
not the lack of intimacy could be not having the four phone calls that you used to have from your mom. Right? Like you're not? Yeah, I you think about a month. That's a great example. So a mother daughter relationship. So maybe your mother used to brush her hair while she read to you or she rubbed your back when you were sick. And so she gave you a physical intimacy, or you, you know, spent time hugging her or
00:03:13
Speaker
The studies have shown, and we should have been prepared today to give some of these statistics, but physical touch diminishes greatly. Are you crying? I'm going to cry.
The Role of Physical Touch
00:03:23
Speaker
I can tell you. I'm going to cry right now because I am sorry to interrupt you.
00:03:28
Speaker
I have to share this beautiful moment that I had with my grandmother the other day. She and my grandfather came over to my parents' house for dinner. She was just like, my grandmother is 85. She is the most beautiful woman. We call her the queen.
00:03:46
Speaker
She was just kind of like leaning on my mom's counter and my grandmother growing up and still to today, she has 11 grandchildren and we'll all go up to her and sit next to her on the couch and say, Nan, can you scratch my back? And she will scratch our back. And it's so funny because one time she said to me, she's like, you know, I really don't enjoy doing this, but
00:04:09
Speaker
I've just always done it for my grandchildren and she has done it for my grandfather. And so on Sunday night when I went up to her she was like leaning over the counter and I just put my hand on her and I was scratching her back. And she looked at me and we had this moment of connection.
00:04:27
Speaker
And I said, I'm sorry. And she goes, what are you apologizing for? She goes, nobody ever scratches my back. And I, I got, I'm getting emotional because in that moment, I didn't realize that what she gave to everybody else. She needed. She needed. Yep.
00:04:44
Speaker
The police smokes Batman. Like what? The power of... She's never voiced that before. She has never said... Because I don't think we know we need it. I love my back scratched. I don't think we know we need it. No. We... So where I was going with that earlier thought is like you see our society as like these young people all their skins out. We must be so in touch and embraced with like all of that. But we're really not. We don't talk about the human need for physical touch.
00:05:10
Speaker
for intimate relationships, deep human connection is a basic need for all of us in our overall well-being. And so when you look at an older adult, many of our clients, not all, but some of our clients who don't have intimate relationships, don't have physical touch in their life, and it's a basic human need that's not being met. If you look at any older adult living in a care facility or community,
00:05:34
Speaker
Usually the only physical touch they're getting is personal care and that is complete opposite of their whole previous life So the time they that's the one thing they did for themselves that was not part You know they bathed themselves or dress themselves they had compassionate touch through the stroke of a mother you know scratch on the grandmother scratch on the back or sexual relationship with their partner and now
00:05:58
Speaker
They get none of that, and the only physical touch is during personal care. So I feel very strongly that we can be change agents in this aspect of talking about the importance of it.
Societal Views on Elder Intimacy
00:06:11
Speaker
We talked about the adult daughter rolling her eyes. I've had so many client meetings with adult children who are quote-unquote disgusted by hearing about either of their parents. Okay, so I'm in a TMI right now. I'm sharing a lot of personal information.
00:06:25
Speaker
I'm just thinking about all the stories that we've talked about before on what we see. My grandparents retired in their 50s to Florida so they were really young when they moved to Florida and we would spend, I spent a lot of weeks during the summertime down in Florida and my grandparents every single night skinny dipped together
00:06:46
Speaker
So they had a pool and they had a hot tub. And we always knew that that's what happened. I think they said like, don't come out here. But of course, you know, children are curious. And so I remember being a kid completely disgusted by the fact that my grandparents were naked together. Oh, cool. As an adult, I was just talking to who was I talking to about this last week, but as an adult as a married woman of
00:07:10
Speaker
13 years this month. That is so beautiful that they kept that intimacy between them. Yeah. Now it's going to be my turn to cry. So my grandparents both passed away in the last two years during COVID in a nursing home where they could not be together except for twice they allowed, they just laid in bed together. They were both physically and my grandmother cognitively not able to have more than that for intimacy.
00:07:36
Speaker
But they shared an intimate moment twice of being together, just cuddling in bed together, which was so important. So I've had adult children, I digress for a second there, but I've had adult children say like, ugh, my mother and her boyfriend, I don't even want to know. Versus
00:07:51
Speaker
As I say, celebrate that your mother has found a way to keep an intimate relationship alive and active in her life, which is so important to all of us that need for human touch. We've had, I have a client right now whose husband has advanced Alzheimer's disease and he has a quote unquote girlfriend at the memory care community.
00:08:14
Speaker
And although it's very painful for the husband of that woman and this wife of this gentleman to witness that, I told them, it's a beautiful testimony to your relationship because they're trying to recreate that. He's finding somebody that's close to him now and she lives somewhere different. Well, no, she's there every day, but he doesn't remember who his wife is. So he's replicating that void by having an intimacy with someone else. That's beautiful.
00:08:43
Speaker
So my early experience of the need for intimacy is I was a hospice volunteer and I was with someone in the literal final stages of her life and she was non-communicative, she couldn't talk or I would read to her, but I asked the daughter if I could brush her hair and give her hand massages while I was there. And it was amazing to see how much her body language and her breathing changed.
00:09:09
Speaker
just through the gentle brushing of hair or a warm lotion hand massage. And I witnessed the power of that personal touch. So intimacy doesn't have to be this complicated thing. How can we connect on a deep level, human to human, with a back rub, or sometimes we do this in client meetings, just putting your hand out and being present and holding their hand in that minute.
00:09:36
Speaker
We all need it. We do. I want to say too, though, it's not always touch.
Beyond Physical Intimacy
00:09:40
Speaker
I know a lot of people that do not like you coming into their personal space. They don't want you touching them. And it's finding ways of what the definition of intimacy means for them. It could just be reading a poem. It could just be your presence. It could be
00:09:57
Speaker
You singing a song. I mean, there's so many varying definitions of what intimacy could mean. It's not always physical touch for people. I think that's a great point. There's a wonderful book called The Five Love Languages. I love the love languages. So there's one for couples, but there's one for children that I read, which was fascinating.
00:10:19
Speaker
But one of, so essentially, if you haven't read the book, you should read it, it's a quick read. But essentially, although all humans can receive and give love in five different primary ways, we all kind of have our individual way in which we most likely enjoy receiving love and affection and giving it that way. The best indicator of what your love language is, is how you tend to give love. So I'm not going to get this right, and I don't have it cued up here.
00:10:49
Speaker
One is physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service.
00:11:03
Speaker
Nailed it. Lauren, what? You just crushed that. You want to know why I'm trying to learn the different love languages of the people around me? Because the way that I give love is not always the way that people receive love. So I need to know and be in tune just as much as you on the other side of me right now and how you receive. Yes. So that's
00:11:27
Speaker
That's the intimacy. So once you know someone's love language, whether it's your parent, your spouse, your children, you are able to create an intimate relationship with them based on that give and take. So for my husband, it's physical touch. He loves to cuddle. He wants to hold hands. He wants his back scratched. He wants his feet massaged.
00:11:49
Speaker
High maintenance. I'm like your grandmother. I don't like doing it. I mean, I will if I have to, but that's not my thing. However, my daughter, one of my daughters is the same way. So she'll rub his feet, he'll scratch her back. It's a perfect relationship. I need to hear it. I am words of affirmation. I want to be told.
00:12:09
Speaker
What you like about me or what's important to me if I had to assume you are a gift giver You mean you're right. Yeah, what's yours? I'm physical touch. I like a nice big bear hug. Oh, yeah We didn't have this petition between us right now
00:12:27
Speaker
But I do love to give gifts to people because I like to see their reactions. That's not necessarily my love language of receiving, but I just like to create experiences for people. And there can be more than one, or acts of kindness. You actually have all five of them. You have a primary. Yeah, you have a primary and you rank them.
00:12:47
Speaker
But maybe for, like I do this with my children and this is something you can do with the older adults in your life, leaving a note, like a really personal note in someone's, you know, on their counter or just thinking, sending someone a card that you're thinking of them and they're important to you, that starts to create an intimate relationship between two people.
Understanding Personal Intimacy Needs
00:13:08
Speaker
And we cannot devalue that or underestimate the power of intimacy
00:13:15
Speaker
I walked into the office the other day. I was sitting at my desk having a day for myself. It wasn't that great of a day. It was a bit of a challenging day. And I looked up and on our whiteboard, you had written, you are loved with this heart. And it was so big and like,
00:13:33
Speaker
in your face in such a gentle, kind, loving way. But on some level, I swear to God, you knew that I needed that at that moment in that day. I don't know what your reasoning was behind it, but I needed that. So yeah, to your point, there's so many different ways that you can do that for people and spread the love.
00:13:53
Speaker
And find declared, you know, sometimes you need to ask for it. Like if you are feeling a lack of intimate relationships in your life and you're feeling a little down and out, maybe read this book or just figure out what you need to fill that void and then assess who's in your life that may be able to help with that. It's not about
00:14:14
Speaker
looking for others to make you happy or give you happiness. But it is about a self-assessment and finding out what you need and then starting to give that out. When you give out into the universe what you need, you will receive it tenfold back. We're bringing more of that just into your life. Like have you been
00:14:33
Speaker
Not allowing yourself to have that for some reason. Go out and get it. Yeah, buy yourself the flowers. Yes. If you feel like you want someone to help. Girl, I buy myself a thing of flowers every single week. There's no guy knocking down my door to bring me flowers. You deserve it. But it makes me happy. You know what you deserve.
00:14:52
Speaker
So if you're feeling a void or a hole, start to fill that for yourself. Do those things for yourself that create an intimate relationship with yourself. And then you're modeling that and allowing that action to come in from others around you. Give yourself a warm bubble bath or take yourself on a dinner date to the movies or whatever it is. Guess what? You may meet a single person next to you, even if it's just a friendship that is sparked through someone else being in the same boat that's looking for that intimate relationship.
00:15:22
Speaker
in that same experience. Who knows what's out there?
Fostering Intergenerational Connections
00:15:26
Speaker
You don't have to be a victim to your circumstances. Go out there and get it. There's a life to live regardless of the stage you're in or the age that you're currently at. You know, sometimes, too, I'm thinking about this in my mind right now, but we walk into memory care communities a lot, and we see older adults that have cognitive impairment with the baby dolls or the fake pets.
00:15:51
Speaker
But I'm sitting here thinking you know in those moments those things were once a reality for them and an intimate experience and an intimate experience and they are yearning for that again I mean so many of these communities bring in pet therapy and all of that but
00:16:08
Speaker
There is nothing like holding a baby or holding a pet the way that you once did. And sometimes, yeah, we just need that back in our life to feel that physical connection or intimate connection on a level that we once had. And it's not that hard. If you are a mother to a baby or a grandmother to a grandchild, please bring those children out into the world.
00:16:31
Speaker
All of these senior living communities, nursing homes, they need you. They need the energy from those children. They need the pet of that dog. Get out there. We need to do a better job of a society supporting older adults. What do they say? They base
00:16:47
Speaker
judge a society based on how they treat their elders, I would give our country an F. So we all need to do better. Get out there, be present, be available to others who need you, and try to create more intimate relationships in your life. You will improve your own life tremendously through that experience.
00:17:06
Speaker
I have a hug now. Yeah,
Closing and Future Topics
00:17:08
Speaker
you can. Thanks for joining us today. And we are going to talk more about sex and seniors in another podcast. Let's talk about sex, baby. That's a great time. Thank you for joining us today. To continue the conversation, follow us on social media at Dovetail Companies or visit us online at dovetailcompanies.com. And remember, change can be difficult. Aging doesn't have to be.