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Sparks + Embers Episode No. 011 - The Hidden Grammar of Leadership: Family (Apprenticeship Leadership Model Series)
98 Plays2 months ago
The second in the Leadership Series where we discuss the family as the living laboratory for leadership, cultivating the "grammar" of leadership. In Khasi culture, bridge-building knowledge passes through families like water through root systems. Children grow up watching elders tend bridges they will never complete, learning patience and precision from grandparents who speak of trees as partners rather than materials. The family becomes the first apprenticeship in thinking beyond immediate return, in caring for structures that outlast individual lifespans.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Sparks and Embers'
00:00:05
Speaker
There's something about a campfire. We gather around it, stare into the flames and find ourselves in conversations we never planned to have. I'm Tiffany. And I'm Tyler. And this is Sparks and Embers, 10 minutes of what sticks when we step back from the fire.
00:00:21
Speaker
Each week, we distill insights from our Kindling newsletter, sharing the questions that won't let go and the connections that surprised us. We hope this creates space for whatever wants to emerge around your own fires.
Leadership Language: Nature vs. Nurture
00:00:36
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We have a problem around language of leadership. We're trying to lead with a language many of us never properly learned. This week, we discuss where that leadership language begins developing.
00:00:49
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ah Tell us more, Tyler. ah One of my favorite metaphors is I feel that we've created a Tower of Babel where everyone speaks a different leadership dialect. because we've forgotten where that leadership language originates.
00:01:01
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We've all wanted to create our own. And the truth is is that that language starts in families. It doesn't start in business schools or management seminars. It's in the daily dance of how decisions get made when someone spills juice on the carpet or when I lose my job or when grandma gets sick.
00:01:22
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Every family operates as a leadership laboratory. Watch a three-year-old during a household crisis. They're not just observing, they're downloading the operating system.
00:01:32
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Does someone take charge or do we talk it through? Do we face problems together or scatter like leaves? When tension rises, voices get louder or do people disappear?
00:01:43
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These patterns become the grammar we use for everyday leadership situations that follow. The boardroom, the PTA meeting, the neighborhood dispute, we're all speaking in sentences we learned at kitchen tables decades ago.
00:01:57
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The article reviews what the research shows. We develop one of two internal voices during childhood pressure. Some people think, I can handle this, and if I can't, help is available.
00:02:10
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Others immediately jump I'm in trouble, and nobody's going to help me.
Historical Leadership Influences: Lincoln and Kennedy
00:02:16
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That split decision reaction our second reaction, the voice that kicks in when leadership gets hard, comes directly from whether we felt supported or alone during childhood um child had challenges.
00:02:30
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ah Where have we seen this um like in history like shown? Yeah. So the we we use two examples from history. We compare Abraham Lincoln and how he developed his leadership through individual moral clarity and less family pressure.
00:02:46
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His presidency showed remarkable patience and conviction because he wasn't constantly proving himself. Alternatively, we look at the Kennedy family and how they operated through high-pressure competitive dynamics, where achievement seemed tied to love.
00:03:02
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They produced incredible public leaders, but the personal cost was enormous. Neither pattern represents destiny, but understanding our pattern becomes the first step in choosing our response rather than simply reacting from inherited programming.
Confidence Building: Challenges and Support
00:03:18
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Learning how to choose to develop the capabilities for making active choices where we assume risk is a critical part for leadership. One of the leadership skills cultivated in family is differentiation.
00:03:33
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That balance between being an individual and being part of a community. How does that capacity transfer directly to leading under pressure? The example we discuss in the article and one I love is from Aboriginal cultures where young boys are asked to and told to craft their own survival tools.
00:03:51
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These kids have to make their own axes, but they're not abandoned. and Elders watch, teach, and encourage. The boys learn, i can do hard things and help is available.
00:04:02
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Compare that to either throwing kids into deep water alone or never letting them face any difficulty. The principle is challenge plus support creates confidence. Security doesn't emerge from eliminating difficulty, but from reliable support while facing challenge.
00:04:20
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As a child, I am becoming my own person, but I'm being guided by other individuals who they themselves are making active choices to sacrifice their present needs for mine and the community's long-term flourishing.
Modern Challenges in Leadership
00:04:35
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That sounds like a really meaningful approach. And as we face obstacles that previous generations didn't encounter, you know, geographic separation means kids grow up without extended family and wisdom networks.
00:04:48
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Parents feel pressure to provide all developmental support themselves, which is impossible. um Digital distraction reduces face-to-face time for these crucial learning moments.
00:05:00
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um What do we in light of these environmental shifts? Trying to change the world or or rant about what is happening is an exercise in futility. Here's what we can control.
00:05:11
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We first recognize we can't do this alone. We have to create intentional community, whether that's close family friends who take active interest in our children, neighbors. We actually know mentors outside our immediate family.
00:05:23
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Secondly, we need to create rituals that build connection. Weekly family meetings where everyone has a voice. Seasonal celebrations that mark growth and change. Regular device-free time where real conversation can happen. Third, we need to model the leadership we want to see. I think this is some of times the biggest thing is because we get so wrapped up in what we need to get done is is that we forget that how we get things done How we show up during the hubbub of everyday living is being modeled.
00:05:55
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Our children are watching how we handle pressure, how we treat people when we are stressed, whether we admit mistakes and ask for help. They are learning the language of leadership more by our actions and choices than by our words.
00:06:11
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This is how we all learn leadership.
Transforming Family Dynamics: Resilience and Empathy
00:06:13
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Less talking, more active choosing and modeling. So that's really interesting. I think the most powerful revelation or realization is this comes from increasing research around epigenetics and gene ancestry.
00:06:27
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One person deciding or to respond differently can change their entire family tree going forward. This isn't about blaming previous generations or getting stuck in the past. Sometimes the most effective leaders emerge from challenging backgrounds because they've developed resiliency and empathy.
00:06:44
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How does this invite us to apprenticeship in our own families? For many of us, we didn't have good families for learning the grammar of leadership. What matters is not, did we have it perfect?
00:06:55
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It's understanding how our experiences shaped our automatic leadership response so we can work with our strengths and address our blind spots. We need to perform in emotional archaeology where we have the fortitude and strength to look at what we inherited.
00:07:11
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Maybe my family avoided conflict, so we shut down when there's workplace tension. Maybe they fought constantly. So you assume all disagreement is dangerous. Once we see the pattern, we can choose differently. Here are some of the takeaways I took from the piece that make this actionable for choosing differently.
00:07:31
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For parents, we can ask, what leadership patterns am I modeling right now? For managers in business settings, we can apprentice under the variety of family experiences that exist in each of our teams.
00:07:44
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Pay attention to your team members' family backgrounds. That person who never speaks up in meetings might come from a family where children were seen and not heard. The one who takes on too much might have learned that individual needs don't matter.
00:07:57
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And finally, for communities, we need to become villages again. Not everyone grew up with a secure family leadership. We can create chosen family networks that provide the developmental support some people never received.
Recognizing and Choosing Leadership Responses
00:08:10
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This article feels actionable to me. There are things we can do now, regardless of the diversity of our backgrounds.
00:08:18
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The easiest things we can do is to start noticing our automatic responses when leadership gets difficult. That moment when someone challenges my decision or when conflict emerges, what happens in my body? What story starts running in my head?
00:08:31
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That's my family programming talking. That is the language of leadership that either complements my actual values and good leadership or undermines it. But I can't do anything until I acknowledge or see it.
00:08:45
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And once I see it, I can start choosing my response rather than just reacting from old patterns. The voice that says I'm in trouble and nobody will help me can be gently replaced with I can handle this and support is available if I need it.
00:09:00
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Yeah, this article resonates because I think so many of us feel that right now. Changing the world seems so large and unwieldy.
Training Grounds for Future Leaders
00:09:09
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What this reminds us is that we don't need to focus on what is immediately in front of us.
00:09:13
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the create The families we create, whether biological, chosen, or professional, are the training ground for our next generation of leaders. We're not just raising individual children or developing individual employees.
00:09:27
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We're participating in patterns that will echo across generations. Whether we believe that or not, it's happening. And well what I need to remember and what I feel we all want to remind ourselves is that every time we model collaborative decision making and every time we show strength through vulnerability, every time we demonstrate that individual excellence serves collective flourishing, we're teaching leadership grammar that the world desperately needs.
00:09:54
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We are all both students and teachers in this curriculum of learning to be human together. The question isn't whether we're teaching leadership. we're We're always teaching it.
00:10:05
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The question is what kind of leadership we're teaching and whether it serves the future we actually want to create. And ah all of that starts in the home, oftentimes in the most difficult venue that we encounter with the people most of us had no choice would be our training partners.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:10:24
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The article is available today titled The Hidden Grammar of Leadership, How Family Patterns Influence Leadership Success. Thanks for sitting around the fire with us.
00:10:35
Speaker
If these conversations sparked something, subscribe to Sparks Numbers and all our shows on Apple and Spotify. And if you're moved to, please leave us a review or share this episode with your friends. Both help us build this community.
00:10:47
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For the longer material that feeds these episodes, subscribe to the Kindling newsletter at goodpainco.com backslash kindling. That's goodpainco.com backslash kindling.
00:10:59
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We release it weekly with the kind of content that keeps these unexpected conversations going. We provide the kindling, you bring the fire. Until next time, keep the questions burning.