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Episode 248 - Working Well with Your Spouse
2 Playsin 5 minutes
We originally posted a blog on this topic back in 2017, but since having kids, our rhythms look a lot different. Today we're chatting about tips for improving our communication, the most important part of working together and marriage in general.
This episode is sponsored by BDOW!, formerly Sumo, the very best intelligent form and pop-up tool for your website. Use the code DAVEYANDKRISTA to save 20% on your subscription.
As always, links and resources can be found in the show notes. Check 'em out over at https://daveyandkrista.com/working-with-your-spouse-btb-248/. And if you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving a review over at Apple Podcasts.
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Transcript
Staying Productive and Focused
00:00:00
Speaker
We both need different things throughout the workday to be productive and stay focused and function well and also enjoy what we're doing.
Introduction to 'The Brands That Book Show'
00:00:09
Speaker
You're listening to The Brands That Book Show, a podcast for creative entrepreneurs who want practical tips and strategies to build engaging brands and craft high converting websites.
Hosts' Background and Episode Inspiration
00:00:20
Speaker
We're your hosts, Davey and Krista, co-founders of a brand and website design agency specializing in visual brand design and show it websites. You're listening to The Brands That Book Show.
00:00:32
Speaker
Today's conversation was inspired by an Instagram Live we recently did with Sophie Emilia Designs to chat about working together as spouses.
Transition to Full-Time and Parenting Changes
00:00:40
Speaker
Last week on the podcast, we shared about how we took Davey full time in this business. So if you haven't listened to that one yet, go back and do so first. We actually originally published a blog post on this topic back in 2017, but since having kids, our rhythms look a lot
Communication Tips After Kids
00:00:54
Speaker
different. And we've also figured out new tips for improving our communication, the most important part of working together, and probably marriage in general.
Questions on Work-Life Balance as Spouses
00:01:02
Speaker
We're diving into the questions that we ask each other daily to make sure that we both feel supported, time management tips, balance, and so much more.
Sponsorship Message
00:01:11
Speaker
So now, on to the episode. Today's episode is sponsored by Badau, formerly Sumo, the very best intelligent form and pop-up tool for your website.
00:01:22
Speaker
deliver the right message to the right visitor using our advanced targeting rules. Whether you want to display a pop-up to only new visitors or generate a unique discount code for those who subscribe to your list, you can get the job done using Bedal.
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Speaker
One of my personal favorite features is the Show a Tab function. Basically, how this works is when visitors close the popup, it minimizes to the bottom of the page so that visitors can open it back up if they'd like, but it also remains out of their way while they browse. You can check out how that feature works over at the Davey and Krista website.
Couple's Work-Life Challenges and Solutions
00:01:57
Speaker
Also, use the code Davey and Krista to save 20% on your subscription. Create an experience on your website using Badao.
00:02:07
Speaker
Part two, working with your spouse. yeah If you didn't catch episode, the first part, it's the episode right before this one, it's how to take your spouse full-time. So if your spouse isn't working with you full-time in the business, you want to take your spouse full-time in the business. Go back, check out that episode. We chat a little bit about our story, talk about some of the things that we wish we had done along the way. right But I think we you know we have a pretty solid plan that I think would still work for us today. We mentioned this in the episode, it'd be a little different now that we have kids, because when we did this 10 plus years ago, we did not have kids, but I think the same like principles still apply. Yeah, for sure. I actually think this episode, I think we've learned more about working with each other now that we have kids.
00:02:50
Speaker
yeah know I think that has spurred us on to new growth. Spurt forced us to to grow. It's introduced new tensions in the business. Yes, it has.
Aligning Family Values with Work
00:03:00
Speaker
right yeah so yeah Anyway, I think a good place to start is to talk about what you value together as a family. This is a good example of how I think work and life are so intertwined when you work together as a husband and wife team, especially when you work from home together as a husband and wife team.
00:03:20
Speaker
yeah Because when the end of the workday rolls around, it can be hard to create that boundary between work mode and family mode. Right. It's not like you just leave those feelings at an office. You know exactly what has happened in my day. I know what's happened in yours. We know who we've spoken to and what like tensions we might have. So it's definitely I think been harder to leave those emotions and have that like I don't know, when you were a teacher, you used to be a high school teacher, if you didn't listen to the past episode, if you had tensions at work, I was more removed from them than I am now because we're always together.
00:03:52
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. And to a certain extent, like you as outside of those tensions, I think it was easier for you to encourage you know encouraged me when I was having a bad day right and vice versa. But then when you're working together as a husband and wife team in the in the business, right all of a sudden, maybe you're going through a tougher season. Maybe revenue is not right you know where you want it. Things are stressful as a result. right you know It's a lot harder because both of you are inside of the business yeah you know to be that
Adapting Work-Life Balance Post-Kids
00:04:18
Speaker
encouraging voice. yeah you know No one is like the calming balancing voice who has a third party kind of perspective. I am the calming. Yeah, you know, you have an argument. Anyway, I think people get the point, right? And if you work together with your husband or wife, then you know what we're talking about. Yeah. So anyway, what I was saying is I think the first thing that you need to do, or I think the first thing we would recommend is figuring out what you value together as a family, right? Because everything else
00:04:44
Speaker
you know, should be really sort of oriented toward and reflective of that. And so for us, like one of the reasons that we wanted to work together is because we wanted the flexibility in our lives. We wanted to go on adventures together. When I was a high school teacher, we could go on adventures together
End-of-Year Retreat Planning
00:04:59
Speaker
in the summer. Yes.
00:05:00
Speaker
And back again, if you listen to the first ah first episode, you know the very first iteration of our business was a wedding photography business. And so you were super busy in the summer. i was And I was not busy in the summer. And then you had cool opportunities in the winter. And I couldn't go with you in the winter. yeah So that was tough. So we wanted this flexibility. We wanted adventures together. And especially since we had kids, we want as much time together as a family as possible. So those being the things that we value, it's kind of easy to organize our work around those things. right So something else that's really been helpful is that we we take time each year for sure. We try to do this throughout the year. In an ideal world, I think we would do this quarterly.
00:05:45
Speaker
right But we really try to evaluate the season we're in and what's working and what's not when it comes to our daily rhythms. right And that's the thing, you know I think we alluded to this earlier in the episode, how kids have you know forced us to do this more often. yeah right Because especially when they're young, they change so much that you have to change you know with them. Nap schedules change. They drop a nap and then it's like your whole schedule shifts or like all of a sudden you realize you need childcare.
00:06:14
Speaker
Exactly. So, you know, one of the things that we try to do, we're actually this weekend, we're going away for our end of year retreat together. So we're taking a night, we're dropping the kids off with my mom.
Defining an Ideal Workday
00:06:24
Speaker
Yep. And we're going to take some time to look at the business and do some business and family planning. And one of those things will be to reflect on, you know, just our daily work schedule. What does that look like? I think a really helpful activity is to sit down and say, this is what my ideal workday looks like. Not ideal day.
00:06:44
Speaker
ideal work day, all right? So do you mean like in working hours or do you mean like how the flow of your day goes? Yeah, I think one of the things that we learned early on is that we are productive in different ways. We are. Right. And so one of the things we talked about in our previous episode is that when I joined the business, all of a sudden I was like, it's, you know, I'm hitting the 10 a.m. CrossFit class. Yeah. Right. And Chris is like, it's 10 a.m. You're supposed to be working right now. Or you're going to take a power nap. and I'm like, what are you doing? You have work to do.
00:07:14
Speaker
Right? And so, but these are important things to sit down and and look at together. Yes. And I think one of the things like you would agree that one of the things that you came to notice was like, oh, wow, if Davey gets a good workout, in then the rest of his day
Productivity Linked to Personal Routines
00:07:28
Speaker
is way more productive.
00:07:29
Speaker
Yeah, or if Davey gets a nap in, he's much happier that day. Just like my children. for For what it's worth, my naps used to be part of like my daily routine, you know? And like when I say nap, I mean like a 20 to 25 minute power nap. So a true power nap.
00:07:47
Speaker
they are not, unfortunately, anymore. Yeah, it's definitely a lot harder. It's got a lot harder. so But the point being is, like you recognizing that, right? One, I think, removed a lot of tension in our business. Yeah. And you realize that, oh, wow, Davey, can you actually get to all the things he needs to get to and still go get a workout in? You say that kind of like gracefully. like It didn't take me that long to figure it out.
00:08:08
Speaker
Cause we're talking it like years to figure gear out. Sometimes I still like question like, why is he doing this right now? yeah So yeah, I've learned like, and that this is like through communication, through learning about personalities, through setting our ideal days and schedules and all of the things that we both need different things throughout the workday to be productive and stay focused in function well, and also enjoy
Balancing Personal Preferences with Family Values
00:08:33
Speaker
what we're doing.
00:08:34
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. And, you know, there are things I had to learn too, you know? So, for instance, like, you need to have a clean workspace in order to be productive. You know, you have a napkin on your desk right now, and I really want to, like, get up and throw it away. Case in point. Case in point. But, you know, those things, like, so, me, where I'm like, why are you vacuuming right now? yeah It's like, people don't have to vacuum twice a day every day. You think I'm doing it for other people? It's not. It's for me. yeah I know nobody wants my house as clean as I do. Yes. But it's important to sit down and and look at these things.
00:09:03
Speaker
You know, it's not a matter of just saying, okay, well, this is my ideal workday. You have to get on board with it. You know, I think there there's productive conversations that you could have about these things and constantly looking back to those things that you value, right? Because what you spend your time on is what you care about. And so it's all well and good for me to get a workout in each day. But if what I'm saying is like, I want to maximize my time with my family, and I'm going to work out as soon as the kids get home from school, right? I'm not maximizing my time on my family. And so it's working with you to make sure, one, I'm getting done the work I need to be able to get done for you to work and for our team to work, so I'm not holding up others. right And then in addition to that, that it fits within you know what we care about and value as a family. right And so we figured that out. So I'm able to fit in a workout each day
Maintaining Business Flexibility
00:09:52
Speaker
that doesn't interfere with family time and doesn't interfere with work responsibilities. But I think like
00:09:59
Speaker
remembering why you decided you wanted to start your own business as well. Like for a lot of us who decide to start our own business, flexibility is a big thing, right? And so you have to look at the business that you've created and say, hmm, do I actually allow myself any flexibility? Yeah. You know, one of the things that Todd Watson once told me, that's he's sort of ceo of show it if you're not familiar with Todd. Yeah.
00:10:20
Speaker
and you know i was like i don't know ah stressed about something right and he was like hey listen you know sometimes you just need to decide like you know what i'm gonna do right now i'm gonna go and i'm gonna catch a movie in the middle of the day you know and it's not a productive thing you know but it is a way to establish like that you have agency and control over your time. Yeah. You know, and I think like activities like that, you know, building in things that you look forward
Incorporating Hobbies and Fitness
00:10:46
Speaker
to each week is really important. I think that the tough thing in working together, though, is that those things might be different. Yes. Right. Yes. And so for you, you know, I'm looking at these ornaments that you painted.
00:11:00
Speaker
You can't see this right now, but my desk is currently covered with 22 hand-painted Christmas ornaments because I like to do these every year for our friends and family. Yeah. And so that's that's the sort of thing that you might want to make time for throughout the week. Whereas for me, it's probably going to be working out. It might be going to get a game of pickleball in or something like that. Things I will never do. Well, no, I do work out. I don't really want to play pickleball. But I would say sit down, look at your ideal workday.
00:11:27
Speaker
Some other things that go into that as well, especially if you have kids, is thinking about childcare, if you need to think about childcare. So if your kids are home with you during the day, you know when does it make sense for you know one spouse to be watching kids while the other spouse gets work done? Or if your kids are at school of some sort, like our kids throughout the day?
00:11:47
Speaker
It's drop-off. yeah know Drop-off takes, even if our drop-off loop is kind of long, but even if your drop-off loop isn't long, it's still 15, 30, maybe an hour after the day. Plus the mental workload of stopping a task, getting up, like going the kids are picking them up. like For one of us, when we're picking them up from school, that means our workday is ending because we have to take care
Task Ownership and Respect in Shared Business
00:12:08
Speaker
of them.
00:12:08
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And so getting on the same page about those things and figuring out how you can help the other person sort of maximize their time. For for me, like I don't mind doing pickup at the beginning of the day or drop off rather at the beginning of the day because it's a good time for me to then go to the gym. So I'll do drop off and then I'll go to the gym while I'm out and then I'll come back. And so and because a lot of my team now is on the West Coast, rape it makes less sense for me to do pickup at the end of the day because I'm going to be hearing from them more later in the day. yeah right And so those are the sorts of things that we're just kind of constantly evaluating, certainly twice a year, but ideally we would do this something like quarterly right throughout the year.
00:12:51
Speaker
yeah Next thing, owning your responsibilities. yeah right We started talking about this in the last episode as well, but figuring out what your tasks are and then ah owning your tasks while understanding what your tasks aren't, respecting other people's tasks. You look at me when you say this because I really, really struggled with this when you first came out. Not as much anymore.
00:13:16
Speaker
No, I've gotten a lot better. But it took me a long time to realize that it's not in the best interest of our business or our marriage for me to micromanage you and that there were a lot of things that you could either go learn on your own and then eventually do better than I could. And also just that like I don't know all the things and that my ways might work for me but they don't work for you.
00:13:37
Speaker
And that when you figure out how to do a task your own way, like it's going to just be so much better than if I had tried to micromanage exactly how you do it. Yeah, for sure. And I think like, you know, along those lines, too, it can be easy to say, OK, well, you haven't done XYZ in the past. And as a result, I'm going to act this way. Right. You know, it's not fair to assume how somebody is going to respond to something just because they responded a certain way or done a certain thing in the past. right And so I think that this idea of separation of tasks is so important. like You have total agency in how you show up,
Communication Strategies for Couples
00:14:16
Speaker
the tasks that are in front of you, you know and then how you respond to the things that happen around you. And I think that's been such an important thing for both of us to learn right in working together. yeah Yeah, I think that's good.
00:14:28
Speaker
Yeah, and if you're if you're kind of confused about that aspect of things, we're going to record another episode on a book called The Courage to be Disliked, or some of the things that we learned from that. Which is a lot. ah Yeah, which is a lot. And separation tasks is an idea that comes from that book. And that's been such an interesting concept too, just for life as well. Yeah, especially like for us, like managing the kids or thinking about like, what is my child's task with homework?
00:14:52
Speaker
yeah especially like spelling is spelling tests like we can't make jack care about his spelling test no you know but you know it's our task to quiz him you know but it's his task to care about it and to you know really rep it you know so but anyway we digress yeah we digress A few tips for working together. One, I think one of the best things that we've ever done and this is taking the form of a few different iterations, but right now it's what we call our 645. Yes, so every morning at 645 before the kids get up, well, they might be up, but they're allowed to play in their room or play at our playroom.
00:15:29
Speaker
We sit down and we talk about our day, so we pray together and then we share our hopes for the day and then whatever we need as well. So if, for example, I know that I have a meeting at 9 a.m. and it's going to be hard for me to do the morning drop-off, I will ask you if you can do the morning drop-off. Normally, we've planned a little bit further in advance than that, but those are the kinds of things that we are talking about there. Or I could say, I'm hoping to finish this task for work or I'm hoping to get a workout in And it's been really helpful for us to understand like what is the other person hoping for that day.
00:16:04
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And I think it's an opportunity like things come up right during the week and you think that like sitting together all day like, oh, of course, of course there's all this communication happening. But this is like intentional time to get on the same page before the day begins. right So one of the other things that we've experimented doing is red, yellow, green, which is basically like what's red, what's yellow, what's green. Obviously those lights corresponding with like red, what's critical? Like what what do you need help with? What's going on? What's most pressing?
00:16:31
Speaker
right Yellow, kind of like, hey, is there something that's maybe kind of bothering you but isn't a big deal right now? And then what's green? like What's going really well? What are you excited about? And that's another really good way, I think, to structure that time and really helpful. And I think like because it it avoids generic questions, like how are you? yeah you know It's like every time I get that question, I'm like, in what way? Because there's so many things going on in life. they are Yeah, for any given person, right? that There are probably some things going really well and some things that are are just not.
00:17:00
Speaker
yeah So that meeting though, when we didn't have kids, we'd write a note to each other every day. so And it'd be a quick note. Not romantic. We had a shared like journal. Usually not romantic. Most of the time it was very practical. It was like, hey, this is what I have going on today. This is what I'm feeling. And then the other person would respond. That worked really well for a long time. Yeah, but now we just don't have as much time to do that. Time is much more precious. And I enjoy talking together more than the writing aspect. Yes.
00:17:28
Speaker
I, even though like I do things like this podcast, I feel like I process verbally. yeah you know And so writing things down first helps me get my thoughts out. But regardless of what you do, setting time together each and every day, right ideally I think at the beginning of the day. And if you can do it at the end of the day, that's great too.
00:17:49
Speaker
yeah So one of the other things is counseling, coaching, or mentoring. You know, I'm not one of those people that's gonna be like everybody, everybody is a counselor. yeah You know, I don't know anybody who has a counselor that regrets it. no You know, I don't know anybody who has a coach that regrets it. You know, I think like those sorts of things are just really important, right? Like pro athletes still have coaches. So we have done
Counseling for Growth
00:18:12
Speaker
marriage coaching, we have done marriage counseling, and both of those things have been hugely valuable for us.
00:18:18
Speaker
Yeah, it's almost crazy cause like sometimes we'll go into counseling and think like, we're great today. And then like, I don't realize that you have things that are going through your mind. And then we talked through them and our counseling sessions are an hour. And so sometimes during the week, we're so busy with other things that, that 15 minutes is enough. And it's so nice to sit there and have that conversation and maybe even have a third party who helps negotiate, well, not negotiate, but like, yeah, helps us work through it. Yeah, for sure.
00:18:49
Speaker
Yeah. And so I think, you know, counseling has been so helpful and I would say like, you know, there's definitely over nearly 15 years of being married. There's definitely better seasons and rockier seasons. Right. But I don't know. I think like I used to think counseling was only for people who didn't had something wrong. right And I think I've come to learn that things like counseling and coaching and mentoring help you get to the next level. you know So it's not just preventing bad things from happening,
Managing Tasks with a Shared Calendar
00:19:19
Speaker
but it's helping you to grow yeah as well. I think whenever we've seen the most growth in our marriage or in like each other personally or spiritually or in our business, it's because we had somebody else coming alongside of us and holding each other accountable, holding us accountable and having that outside third-party perspective.
00:19:38
Speaker
Yeah, the next thing, this is a very tactical ah piece of advice, but have a shared calendar. Yeah, you know, we have we use Google for work. And so our shared calendar is also kind of our work calendar as well, right, you know, and so everything goes on that calendar, I think it eliminates so much miscommunication. oh yeah know It allows both of us to tentatively commit to things too, without having maybe to have a discussion. As a general rule, we make
Aspirations for Planning and Goal Alignment
00:20:04
Speaker
decisions together. you know And so when somebody asks us if we can do something, typically we're going to say like, hey, I think that works, but you know let me get back to you on that. right Certainly decisions that impact the business, we're going to make those together.
00:20:17
Speaker
right That does not mean we make every granular decision together. no yeah I think somebody had a question about that for us recently. So it's like, you know oh, what am I going to title this blog post? you know like kristen i I trust Kristin to make that decision. She trusts me to make that decision. But if it impacts our schedule,
00:20:33
Speaker
you or the direction of our life or business, we of course make those together or like a bigger financial decision. Like I don't consult you when I'm buying a $50 fly. But if I was investing in something like coaching that was thousands of dollars, I would definitely have multiple conversations with you. Yeah, for sure. So having those conversations together. But a shared calendar, really, you know, I mean, what a lifesaver. Oh, yeah, it is. It's amazing to also like see doctors appointments and meetings. And it helps me look ahead for the week and see like, all right, Davey has a lot of meetings this afternoon like in the afternoons of this week. I'm going to plan to get the kids every day after school and know that you'll probably do the morning drive. So, yeah, even if we haven't had a conversation about some of those things, just looking at your your week helps, I think, save fights.
00:21:21
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Helps avoid tension. Avoid tension. That's a better way to phrase it. That's the nice way to phrase it. And then quarterly planning meetings. This is admittedly, I think, aspirational for us. Yes. I think that this is one of those things we're good about having an end of the year retreat. We're about to go on that. This weekend. We should record a podcast episode on that, what we do, maybe a recap of that. But so we'll do an end of the year one. Again, these meetings, when we do them, it's often both but life and work.
00:21:51
Speaker
yeah So we're sitting down and we're talking about that first question, like what do we value? Because those things might change throughout the years as well. you know I'd say like certainly with kids, some of the things we value have has changed, right? yeah Whereas those quarterly planning meetings, so ideally we'd have them you know once a quarter, we do something similar where maybe we go away for an evening, leave the kids with you know one of our parents. yeah
Adapting to Seasons with Young Children
00:22:13
Speaker
We do a good job of that at the end of the year.
00:22:16
Speaker
Seasons change, and I think this is where a lot of tensions creep in. It's like the seasons have started to change and you don't realize it yet.
Listener Engagement and Feedback Encouragement
00:22:25
Speaker
And I think if I could go back and talk to me on the precipice of having children, that's one thing I'd say. I'd say, listen,
00:22:33
Speaker
between zero and three, seasons are going to change every couple months. you know And so you really have to be diligent about understanding or recognizing those shifts and then communicating about them and adjusting accordingly. Yeah, you really struggled when like a nap would get dropped and our whole schedule would change. And it's like, I just got used to two naps a day and now there's only one. And death yeah and it's not even at the same the same time as the other ones, you know? I have these standing meetings in this room, right? And you know, but even if you don't have kids, like seasons change. So I think things like the 645, things like quarterly and at least yearly planning meetings right really help you recognize those things. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Anything else?
00:23:17
Speaker
I don't think so. I mean, if you have another question that we didn't answer here, you can always leave a ah comment on our podcast account or DMS or send an email. We love sharing about this and we're always happy to record follow-up episodes based off of the questions that you guys ask. A lot of the content that we create comes specifically from questions that were asked.
Closing Remarks and Subscription Invitation
00:23:39
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. All right. Thanks, guys.
00:23:42
Speaker
Thanks for tuning in to the Bransa Book Show. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider subscribing, leaving a review on Apple Podcasts, and sharing this episode with others. For show notes and other resources, head on over to davianchrista.com.