Transcript
Speaker: Hi everyone, it's Jeff Unger. I'm saddened to say this will be the final episode of I Absolutely Love It. I want to apologize for pulling the plug on the show after such a short run.
Speaker: The truth is, for the last 10 months, I've been lying to Alicia about the success of my podcast. It all blew up in my face after last week's Peg Leg episode.
Speaker: My friend Sam played the episode for his wife, Melanie, and, as fate would have it, Melanie bumped into Alicia at TJ Maxx. I guess Melanie was surprised Alicia agreed to participate in the podcast, especially given Alicia's high-profile job in public relations.
Speaker: Melanie was like, it seems risky, Alicia. I mean, peg legs, really? You literally said the phrase bloody British cunts on the show.
Speaker: What were you thinking? But what Melanie didn't know was that Alicia believed my show had been going for 10 months and that I had lined up $90,000 in advertising revenue.
Speaker: Melanie also doesn't know how much Alicia hates her job because her boss, Janine, is a rancid bitch. And Melanie knows nothing about my head injury in 2023 and the hell I've put my wife through since.
Speaker: Honestly, Alicia is just desperate to believe I'm getting better. Alicia deserves the truth, and so do you.
Speaker: I have significant brain damage from a scooter wreck that happened after I got too jacked on gin martinis and oysters. The brain injury stole my impulse control.
Speaker: I gambled away my insurance and FMLA money on DraftKings. The injury makes me obsess about blind people. I can't suppress it. I'm constantly following blind people around.
Speaker: I followed one blind woman for three hours until the cops intervened. Alicia's job is the only thing keeping us in our house. I wish her boss wasn't such a fucking whore.
Speaker: Alicia's doctor says she may need a hysterectomy. Our dog has something called intervertebral disc disease. Jack has had four separate emergency spinal surgeries costing us $31,000 this year.
Speaker: Alicia had to go on Zoloft recently. This show was a Hail Mary to get my life back together. Goodbye, everyone. I'll miss doing this.
