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Grief and Acceptance
252 Plays7 months ago
Join host Larah and guest Katie White as they talk about the stage of Grief & Acceptance that is a part of the Autism Diagnosis for the Christ-following parent.
BIG News! We've launched RaisingAutisticDisciples.com! We are also launching an online support group for parents and caregivers who are raising autistic disciples. Sign up today!
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Transcript
Introduction & Announcements
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello, friends, and welcome to episode eight of Raising Autistic Disciples. Today, I'm talking with my friend Katie White, who is on with the episode about diagnosis, and we're talking today about grief and acceptance. And so I'm excited about this episode. It is one of the more weighty episodes, but we can find that there is joy in this stage of grief because the Lord is faithful and He is always with us.
00:00:27
Speaker
I wanted to kind of mention before we jump into that episode and announcement that we made previously is that Raising Autistic Disciples is now a nonprofit. We're excited about that. We also with that have launched our new website RaisingAutisticDisciples.com.
Support for Parents and Caregivers
00:00:44
Speaker
So we want you to go there connect with us also connect with us on Facebook and Instagram But want to also encourage you if you're a parent or a caregiver of an autistic kiddo We are forming a pilot program of sorts of a online monthly support group
00:01:00
Speaker
That's one thing that common I experienced as we stepped into this journey of autism and after that diagnosis is that we didn't have a circle of friends who knew and understood what we were going through. So we want to create this community that meets that that points each other toward the gospel.
00:01:17
Speaker
and understands where each other is at in this journey of understanding more about raising autistic disciples and encouraging and equipping each other for that. So go to raisingautisticdisciples.com if you're interested in being a part of that support group that meets monthly online via Zoom and so we would love to have you. Let's jump into this next episode of talking about grief and acceptance with my friend Katie White.
Grief and Acceptance Discussion
00:01:43
Speaker
Alright, so Katie, you were previously on an episode with us talking about diagnosis and in the Lord's sovereignty, you just began talking in that middle of that episode about grief and that as parents, you know, we have this stage of grief and I'm sitting here on the other side of this recording going,
00:02:05
Speaker
Oh my goodness, like she needs to come back and she needs to explain this further in our grief and acceptance stage episode. So here you are. Yes. Thank you so much for having me back. I'm very excited to talk about this. Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:02:20
Speaker
Hey, but before we get started, cause I can see you on the camera, please tell me about your shirt. What is your shirt? Oh man. Okay. So for those of you listening, I'm wearing a, and I'm going to laugh saying this a lot, but I'm wearing a cheer mom t-shirt. Okay. Our oldest daughter, Addie is
00:02:41
Speaker
is a middle school cheerleader. And it brings us so much joy. It brings her 10 times the joy being this middle school cheerleader. It's the first organized sport that she's ever done. And so we're just delighted to watch her just be joyful and do something she loves. And so my friends, those that know me, think it's hilarious, Katie.
00:03:05
Speaker
that this is what my season looks like. Because if you know me, you know these two words, cheer mom, I never in my wildest dreams thought would be my vocabulary. Are you grieving that you're a cheer mom? Is that how you wore that? Good point. I'm not grieving. I am puzzled. I am puzzled. And I'm like, we walked into the game last night.
00:03:29
Speaker
And I still like, it's our fourth game that we watched her cheer. And I look at Con, I was like, I still can't believe this is our life. Like not that I'm like, like disappointed that she's a cheerleader, which last night we were really nervous because she had to do a little dance. And we were like, Oh gosh, she does not have DNA on her side when it comes to dancing. So I really hope that this goes well. And it did. She's precious, right?
00:03:52
Speaker
Um, so yeah, so for those that know me know that this cheer mom thing is definitely not in my repertoire of personality, but I'm growing into it. And, and you know what, going to step into this new season, but I have to tell you though, uh, the, again, the Lord ordains all things. So we're at the game.
00:04:10
Speaker
And we have the boys with us, Graham and then our youngest son Levi who's five. And luckily at this middle school, there was a baton cage like right behind us. So they could just go in the baton cage because there's a net all around this baton cage is perfect. So they're playing there. There's also a dirt pit. So that's like prime real estate for any autistic kid. So he's
00:04:29
Speaker
you know, getting dirty, Levi's playing with his trucks with Graham and things like that. And I look behind me, they then now go from dirt pit to the batting cage. And another little guy and a mama standing there found the same goodness of this batting cage that we did of like, hey, y
Divine Connections and Support
00:04:49
Speaker
'all get in there and play. I mean, you got a net around you. It's great. So I walk over because I just want to make sure, you know, our boys aren't
00:04:54
Speaker
uh you know uh they're they're they're linebacker so they're huge so you know making sure that this little guy wasn't getting tackled or anything and i struck up a conversation with the mama um actually i'm forgetting apart uh levi our youngest son our five-year-old uh struck up a conversation with uh this little he was about three-year-old uh three-year-old uh little boy
00:05:15
Speaker
And I could see him, you know, going back and forth. Little boy wasn't really talking back to him. So I walked up just to make sure that I could introduce myself to the mama. And the first thing she did, you're going to, you're going to understand Katie, the moment I did it, the first thing she did was put her hand over her heart and she looked at me and almost instantly I knew. And she said, your little boy was talking to my little boy.
00:05:37
Speaker
and I knew he's on the spectrum because she said it was like that look that you give another mom that's like he talked to him and nothing on my little boy Levi but he's had practice right of with his brother so it just went to show one Lord ordains all things he's going to put me as a cheer mom
00:05:58
Speaker
for such a time as this to be able to meet that woman, right? To be able to spend 10 or 15 minutes with her to say, listen, listen, just one moment at a time. That's literally the first thing I said, one moment at a time was able to get her story, just moved here from another state. So we hit it off, got a number connected with her. And so it's laughable to us when I look at, hey, I am now a cheer mom, but it's also another, like we've discussed in previous episodes,
00:06:26
Speaker
the Lord does all things well. He puts us in places and times and situations for His glory so that we can have these connections. I don't know where she stands with the Lord, and so I'm going to get to know her because we have a connection now of little boy three years old. She's just on the very cusp of understanding what it means to walk this road. Anyway, cheer mom, here we are, but yet, cool story to go along with it and a new friendship.
00:06:53
Speaker
That's so wonderful. Amen. I remember I got to meet a mama. We were at a park and it was a mama and a little boy and they, he was nonverbal because he was autistic but she only spoke Spanish but she watched my child enough to know that he was autistic as well and she came up to me and she said the Spanish word for autism which was close enough to the English word that I was able to understand it
00:07:21
Speaker
And it was like two mamas and I had Parker's talking device with me. We talked about that a little bit the last episode. That lamp learning acquisition motor planning that app on his iPad is how we communicate. It has a Spanish setting. No way. Able to switch it to the Spanish setting and speak to her in Spanish through my child's
00:07:40
Speaker
uh talking device and oh it was beautiful it was like she she was a mama who got it just communication and she got it more than most like just communication differences and how we don't need to be fearful uh and shy away from hard conversations because people are worth it they're they're worth
00:08:00
Speaker
working and putting in the hard work to have connections and conversations with other people, whether that be their nonverbal individuals or whether that be an individual that speaks another language. And so I love it. Yeah. Autism brought two mamas together at the park that don't, we don't speak the same language, but our children both speak the same nonverbal language. And it was, it was beautiful. I was awesome.
00:08:24
Speaker
Yeah. Awesome. Praise the Lord. Yeah, that's that's just again, you know, showing us just like we're going to talk about today, Katie. Like those interactions, those circumstances and stories, it's worth it.
Stages of Grief and Acceptance
00:08:39
Speaker
Yeah. It's worth it because the Lord is doing things that we cannot see.
00:08:44
Speaker
And so what we're going to talk about today, that grief stage, just to kind of recap a little bit, we've gone through episodes of something's not right, to stepping into denial, and then to what you and I talked about in diagnosis, the diagnosis stage. And now today we're stepping into a little bit different stage, but one that is going to have a lot of dynamics to it, and that's the grief and acceptance stage.
00:09:08
Speaker
Now what you and I think what we're going to do for those listening is we're going to kind of categorize our discussion into three different categories in this grief stage and that is just discussing the what, like what happens in this stage, moving toward the why, like why is grief even a stage to begin with in this journey and then we're going to wrap it up by discussing the who and that is just who is God in this stage with us and how can we know more of him and so
00:09:38
Speaker
Katie, you, like we discussed in the last one episode, you've been studying this, you've been deep in this. I will say just to start us off in this what things of what happens and is it normal or is it not normal in our stories, this one was a roller coaster for me.
00:09:59
Speaker
And I will say that I go in and out of grief in many different ways, in many different seasons, many different times over the last few years. I'll start us off with one. I grieve birthdays. Not my child's birthdays. I love those. I grieve that the first birthday was just a few weeks ago that he got invited to.
00:10:22
Speaker
that that has been a grieving process for me is is is he doesn't get invited to birthdays and not i'm not blaming or not saying anything but it just goes to show that i know we're different and i grieve that right so uh that's what what's one that just for you like sure grief yeah
00:10:39
Speaker
A big one for us is end of the school year performances, even in our church. We have a school that meets in our church, so that's not the school my child attends, but there is a school, multiple schools actually, inside our church.
00:10:56
Speaker
And at the end of the year, and it's also around Christmas time, my office will be filled with just the beautiful sounds coming from our sanctuary down the hall of children reciting scripture, children singing songs of praise, maybe even it's just the ABC song. And it still gets me how something so beautiful as a child
00:11:23
Speaker
singing, uh, singing to the Lord, how that still, as beautiful as it is, can, can cause such grief. And, and, and he's been not, my Parker is 10 and he's been nonverbal, you know, so that's 10 years of this. And yet still, I know around Christmas time and around end of the school year, when we have these performances where kiddos get up and they get to use the gift of song or the gift of speech, uh, and they recite something they learned from school,
00:11:54
Speaker
I start fighting, I'll just be honest, jealousy and just why this isn't fair. Do people even understand how beautiful that is for their child to get up there and be able to, what a miracle it is for your child to be able to get up there and just recite the ABCs. And so yeah, I know now around those times of year, I got to be prayed up because the enemy
00:12:16
Speaker
He's a working, you know? And so, yeah, this is tough. Yeah, the same is true, same type of thing of those doctor's appointments that come and the paperwork that you have to, I remember Colin and I, we've now had to make it a little bit comical or we'd cry the whole time because you're literally checking off, no, no, no, we didn't do that. No, I can't remember when he did that, you know, whereas, you know, other children, oh, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
00:12:44
Speaker
Ours is no, no, no, no, no, kind of thing on the developmental skill. So if you're not careful in mentally, and like you said, prayed up, it will cause that defeat and that grief of like, man, I wish we were, but we're not. And so that's just where we're at. And so yeah, absolutely. That those two are definitely ones that cause grief. How can, if you could pinpoint a time
00:13:11
Speaker
When do you believe grief really washed over you in a sense of you thought, am I ever going to return from this? Am I ever going to not grief this diagnosis?
Grief, Suffering, and Faith
00:13:26
Speaker
Yeah. And for us, I think we entered the grief stage even before we had an official diagnosis. Okay. And so, because we saw the red flags, we saw the direction that just
00:13:42
Speaker
my child was going and we grieved that 2015 was that year. And someone finally had enough courage to use the word autism in front of us. Not a lot of people had done that yet. And I remember calling my mom and crying and I asked my mom, I said, will there ever be a day where I wake up and autism isn't the first thing on my mind?
00:14:09
Speaker
or will I ever go to bed at night? I remember, this is gonna be a tough episode because we'll get emotional probably talking about some of this stuff. I'm just emotional by nature.
00:14:23
Speaker
I used to have dreams of just the conversations that we would have. And I had those dreams a lot. And I remember asking my mom, will there ever be a morning that I wake up and autism isn't the first thing on my mind? Or will I go to bed and autism isn't the last thing I think about? And it's like all over my dreams. I mean, it was everywhere. I couldn't escape it. And I asked, will I ever, will I ever,
00:14:50
Speaker
you know, be able to wake up and have something else on my mind. And she, she said, Katie, I don't know, but I'm going to pray that that day will come for you. And it did. And girl, I don't even remember. I wish I could write down that day, but it just slowly came naturally where like,
00:15:09
Speaker
I woke up and it wasn't the, and I didn't write it down maybe because it just, it just happened so like, it was just so natural. Like I just woke up and it was, it was not just dominating my, my dream life and my thought life and my, it, it, it, the Lord brought me through and he always does. He does. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. Do you,
00:15:34
Speaker
What would be your thoughts on why this is a stage in what we're calling the stages of autism diagnosis for the Christ-following parent? Why is this necessary?
00:15:46
Speaker
I mean and I think talking about grief and talking about suffering We know it's not just reserved for those of us that have special needs children I mean suffering is it is literally what unites all of all of creation every going back to Adam and Eve we see that suffering came, you know into the world and
00:16:10
Speaker
at the very beginning pages of scripture. And we see God, how he ministers to his creation. We see the animal sacrifice where he closed them out of just his provision and his love for them. And so ever since the beginning of time, we see that grief and suffering and hardship has been inevitable. And so the Lord in his goodness never wastes our pain.
00:16:40
Speaker
And I think the why is he knows, he knows multiple reasons, but one.
00:16:47
Speaker
to draw us to Him. When we are comfortable, when we are not experiencing hardship and we're very dependent on our own self and we are lost in just the goodness of this temporary living, I feel like often the Lord's not receiving our glory because we're so distracted by lesser things and in our grief,
00:17:14
Speaker
As things may be removed, our plans, our hopes for our child are changed or removed. The Lord and His sovereignty takes us in a different path, in a different direction than we would have wanted for our family.
00:17:32
Speaker
It brings us back to him. It brings us back to nothing is promised. The only thing that is promised is his presence in our life and he receives the most glory. I mean, this is, you know, what is this? Did Piper say this? He receives the most glory when we are most satisfied in him and I feel like when he removes things in our life, whether it be through, you know,
00:17:55
Speaker
our hopes, our dreams, our plans, or even the death, the death of a loved one. When things, when we experience loss, it's that reminder of this is temporary.
00:18:08
Speaker
Right? Life is temporary. We were not built for this world. We were built for eternity in God's presence and experiencing his goodness. And he wants us to focus our heart's desire on him. And the Lord does bring good through suffering, but it is painful and we can rejoice knowing that we're not alone.
00:18:28
Speaker
Everyone experiences grief and suffering and you know what? So did Jesus. We do not have a God that doesn't understand what we're going through. Jesus himself literally took on the sin and the suffering of the world on our behalf out of his great love for us so that we will not suffer in eternity. Because he took on our suffering, we can take on his righteousness and in heaven experience where all things will be made new and whole.
00:18:58
Speaker
So yeah, the why, there's so many why's, but I think the basic why is for His glory, is for His glory and for us to just...
00:19:07
Speaker
cry out to him and dwell with him through the hardship. That's right. Absolutely. And that's a great segue into this, this why part of what I like to say, you know, the phrase, the good, bad and the ugly kind of roll off in our society, roll off our tongues really easily. But I want to reframe our thinking a little bit to thinking about this as the good, the hard and the redemptive.
00:19:29
Speaker
And so you just beautifully explained, Katie, the good in all of this and the why towards suffering and things like that. The hard part is like I was referring to before, it is a band-aid where it's gonna tear off at times. It's gonna come off at times. And I know for me, this grief stage comes in waves. And I also believe it's one that's different than the previous two episodes, the previous two stages that we've talked about, denial and diagnosis.
00:19:58
Speaker
we would encourage those listening. There is an entry point and there needs to be an exit too. Coming in and out of denial and then coming knowing you just got a diagnosis and walking this. I can't say the same for this grief stage. That's the hard.
00:20:14
Speaker
The hard part is it will come in waves, and we're going until glory, until our redemptive, until the Lord Jesus comes back for His church, for His kids, we will have this grief come in waves, right? So that's the hard part. And so talk to me about how you and Britt
00:20:38
Speaker
how you sat in that. Because that's counter-cultural now. We love to be busy, right? I think one of the best advice I've ever gotten is the margin.
Managing Grief and Finding Rest
00:20:53
Speaker
of creating margin and Colin is very, we don't have a word for the year, we have a word for our entire lives and that's rhythm, is creating these rhythms of rest is what Colin likes to say. We know that we can't travel very easily as a family.
00:21:09
Speaker
We know that that's one thing I do grief, by the way, is travel. We know that we can't just take vacations to Disney World and have it go wonderful, right? And so Colin's big thing is we will find rest in our daily rhythm. But when it comes to that grief stage of entering into that after diagnosis or before diagnosis, whenever that stage is for that family individual, why is it good not to skip it?
00:21:35
Speaker
Because I've known a lot of people and this is the sound advice I've gotten from people and in my own life too when I've had loved ones pass away, is that there's a tendency there to busy ourselves. There's a tendency there to want to forget because we don't want to feel that hurt and we don't want to feel that weight of what is happening around us and the reality of that.
00:21:58
Speaker
Why and how did you and Britt walk through that to where, no, we're going to let this land for a little bit and have our feelings, have our emotions and our grief, and not just quickly pass on to the next stage of life? Because one of my friends, I'm sorry, I'm going to let you talk just a second. One of my friends put it so eloquently to me, it's like we get into drive.
00:22:22
Speaker
we don't know how to put it in neutral or or push the pause button because we're automatically now we got the diagnosis now we want to fix it. So now we go into drive instead of parking for a little bit and saying okay we're going to get a little bit of margin to think about this for a moment. Walk me through that for you and Britt. Sure well and I can tell you some of the things that we did wrong um you know not like you said it's counter-cultural not
00:22:44
Speaker
Not wanting what i just think it's just human human nature like we don't want to sit in the heart and so we for us it wasn't necessary anyways it wasn't so much being on the go for me it was escaping.
00:23:00
Speaker
into social media, excuse me, well social media some but no for me escaping into like like Netflix like losing myself and just shows just binge watching shows because then I could focus on somebody else's life that that wasn't experiencing the hard that I was experiencing and
00:23:21
Speaker
And I remember I would just lose myself in these shows because I don't know, I was so sad and sorrowful. And when I would watch these shows, they were always
00:23:34
Speaker
I'd watch comedies. I would just want to, you know, laugh. I would, I would want to laugh and not necessarily that there's anything wrong with that. But like you said, we need, we need boundaries. Those things were becoming idols in my life. And it was just easier for me to just disconnect, put on my headphones, watch a funny show for hours on end, because then I didn't have to think about what was going on within my home and what was going on within my family.
00:23:59
Speaker
I would escape in into food. I would use that excuse of I deserve this, you know, like I'm going through a hard time. So I deserve this and Again, there's something wrong with food But but we need boundaries when it comes to am I trying to find my joy and my peace through food and through entertainment And when I need to be pausing and I need to be praying that going to God and saying Restore to me the joy of my salvation like
00:24:29
Speaker
restored to me the joy of a relationship with a god who is walking with me and this did not take him by surprise and that he has a plan and he has a purpose and he will bring good from such sorrow. I mean we see the cross. I needed to go back to the cross to go away from the tv and go back to the cross because girl the cross is the best picture of how god brings beauty from brokenness. I mean Jesus was broken
00:24:58
Speaker
on the cross and yet our righteousness came from his brokenness that that's that's that's beautiful um and yet hard and so i needed to go back and stare i mean we worship what we stare at and during that season i was worshiping all the wrong things i was worshiping
00:25:17
Speaker
just anything I could escape to and People would send me things that you know read read this or read that for autism And I wasn't ready and let me just say this some of the heart is gonna be just being patient with yourself You your grief is not on anybody else's timeline so you take as long as you need and and you ask your loved ones in kindness to
00:25:42
Speaker
to respect that. And your grief may go, again, it's cyclical. So remember that, like, like, Lara, like you said, it's cyclical. We grieve. Right now, we're in a season of grieving some behavioral regression. We've got terms like
00:25:57
Speaker
Non-compliance and property destruction and aggression these type of words are being told to us daily by teachers and therapists and we're grieving that because he hasn't always been so I'm just full of angst and it's a lot of its prepuberty, but we're grieving that and so being patient with yourself being patient with your spouse and
00:26:18
Speaker
not feeling like you have to rush through this grieving stage because you do need to walk through it. You need to learn from it and allow it to bring you closer to God. And some of the heart is as well is in love putting those boundaries up where
00:26:35
Speaker
If social media is causing you to compare and look around at all the, like you said, traveling, all the traveling that people are being able to do in the summer and you're not able to do that, then you need to put up boundaries and say, the social media right now is leading me to experience more grief. And I can, that type, I can put boundaries on and
00:26:56
Speaker
and take a step back from. So putting up those boundaries and putting up those boundaries with friends that maybe say things that are hurtful and maybe they don't mean to, and that's something that I'll say because we're talking about the hard. People will say things and sometimes that will be hard. We would have people tell us things like this, oh, I understand exactly what you're going through.
00:27:19
Speaker
And in love, I want to be like, no, you don't. You don't have an autistic child and you don't have a nonverbal child. Like, so you... I think what they're trying to say is they understand grief. They understand disappointment. They understand loss. But we can say, instead of if you have someone that you're trying to minister to and that you love and you're trying to
00:27:39
Speaker
comfort them. Instead of saying, I understand how you're feeling, why don't you just say I'm here for you and be there for them. They may not even need words. They need your presence. They need love and listening. So yeah, don't say I understand. If you really don't understand what they're walking through, just say I'm here for you or also don't say this will pass. I think that was something that I didn't need to hear because then to me it made me feel like I
00:28:07
Speaker
This is taking too long. Oh, this will pass, meaning hurry up because this should pass, you know? And for me, I didn't need to hear that. I needed to hear, take all the time you need. Take all the time you need, I'm here with you. And they may not even need your words. They just may need a hug. They may need a song that's ministered to you that you could just shoot their way. I had friends that gave me scripture that I would memorize, you know?
Isolation and Seeking Guidance
00:28:35
Speaker
that was what I needed and so it is hard but know what you need and know what you don't need and then set up those those boundaries like you said.
00:28:44
Speaker
Absolutely. Oh, that's so good. With that said, I think we may need to touch on a little bit, the isolation factor. Yeah. Because in this grief, listen, I think it's touched all of us, right? And yes, am I saying that you need a few days by yourself? Yes, of course. A few weeks, a few months even kind of thing.
00:29:10
Speaker
don't isolate so long that that comfort of being by yourself and processing it by yourself becomes second nature. I think that if I could encourage any parent caregiver listening, this is going to be the hard. It's going to be the hard to get used to not going to church on Sunday mornings and not just staying in your pajamas because it's easier.
00:29:37
Speaker
right? That isolation, it's going to be easier to just, I don't know, first thing that comes to my mind, I'm going to contradict myself because I love Walmart pickups. So it's one of the greatest ever been made. And so thank you, Walmart. But that from what Graham's teachers have told us, that sometimes
00:29:56
Speaker
Takes the interaction from going inside and learning, right? So now I'm not saying don't do well or pick up I still do our but what I'm saying is now I find the joy of taking him into stores and him naming everything that he goes by right so we're looking or touching or would not but
00:30:13
Speaker
But what I'm trying to say is be careful with how grief may could lead you into permanent isolation. Yes, because it will feel easier. It will feel safe like your home is safe. Your home is easy. You don't have to have those hard conversations with individuals that don't get it or may say things that hurt you. But you are doing a disservice
00:30:39
Speaker
to your child into the world by hiding them away. The Lord has created them. They are made in the image of God. They have purpose. The world deserves to get to know your amazing child. And so the world also deserves to get to know the diversity of just different behavioral studies. They need to
00:31:07
Speaker
they need to see our kiddos out and about doing life because life is for our kiddos as well and so yes don't and it's doing a disservice to your child because you're right they have so much to learn we want them to experience the world and all of its beauty and relationships they deserve relationships of people that will love them for who they are so they deserve that and then the world deserves to see
00:31:37
Speaker
God's image in them. And so yeah, fight that temptation to just hide away because your kiddo deserves so much, so much more. That's right, that's right. And so one last thing, and it goes along with the heart and the redemptive of, let's talk about next, but so in that middle, that uncomfortable middle part is relying on the Spirit.
00:32:02
Speaker
It is really huge. I know for me when you're in that grief and you're in that hard, it is really, really easy just to walk in the flesh. And when I say the flesh, I'm meaning walk in my sin and walk in desires that you've already covered. But mine fleshed out in opening my mouth when I should not have, sending that text message when I should not have.
00:32:28
Speaker
So it's that hard and redemptive and the hard is don't rely or don't act in your flesh. Ask the Lord to help you. And the redemptive that we will talk about next is how can we rely on the Holy Spirit to help us in this grief? What would you have to say about that, Katie?
00:32:45
Speaker
Yeah, the Holy Spirit is our helper. It is our counselor. And the Holy Spirit is with us always. And so we're not alone. And I think the Holy Spirit lets you see your grief through the lens of scripture and the lens of Christ. We see that Jesus experienced grief.
00:33:09
Speaker
And so the Holy Spirit would bring me back to verses, you know, Jesus wept, like Jesus, emotions are not wrong. I think I needed to hear that as well. Like, you know, I talked about that a little bit in our last episode of just
00:33:24
Speaker
I had a lot of guilt that I was grieving. I think we tend to think it's okay, you know, when an individual loses a loved one and they're going through a grieving stage, like we understand that and that makes sense to us. And we say that that's appropriate because they lost a parent or they lost a spouse, a loved one. And so they're grieving.
00:33:46
Speaker
Um, but people don't always understand that we are grieving as well. We have a child, beautiful child right, right here with us to the outside world. It doesn't look like anything's changed. Um, but in our world, everything's changed, you know, and we're grieving. We may be grieving a diagnosis and.
00:34:04
Speaker
The Holy Spirit was my comforter and gave me peace knowing that I don't need to feel guilty that I'm grieving. The Holy Spirit would keep my eyes focused on the eternal and not on the temporary. And so I always say when people are going through such sorrow and hard times, I don't see how they do it without
00:34:26
Speaker
without the holy spirit within them. Like he is, he is my constant companion and friend and when I go down the rabbit hole of just, sometimes I'll grieve the future and I'm not even there yet. Parker, Parker's an only, he does and I'm an only, so he has no cousins, he has no siblings and so I will sometimes fall into this trap of grieving
00:34:52
Speaker
somewhere we're not even there yet and I got to be careful about that putting boundaries up on how far you know because I want to prepare I want to be a good parent and prepare for his future but I don't want to go so far down the road that now I'm you know falling into worry and anxiety over a season that the Lord hasn't brought me to yet you know his his mercies are new every morning his grace is sufficient for for today you know and I don't need to be focusing so much down the road but
00:35:22
Speaker
For Parker, we do. We will grieve sometimes that
00:35:26
Speaker
that he will have to have continual care in the future, and it will be from a family that is not us. And the Holy Spirit has to reel me back and say, Katie White, I love your child more than you do. So you can grieve that that is hard, that that is hard, that your child will have to be raised a second time as an adult
00:35:53
Speaker
by somebody else who will care and love for him. We don't know who those people are. God does. I need to be doing a better job of praying for those people, whoever those people will be that care for my child that help him get dressed and help him bathe and clean himself. Whoever those people will be in the future, God knows who they are. So I need to be praying for them and not falling into the trap of just
00:36:18
Speaker
more anger and more anxiety and because the Holy Spirit says, let's focus right here. Let's focus right here on today. I've got Parker's tomorrow. I love Parker more than you ever could, Katie. And God, the Holy Spirit reminds me that all the time. God did not withhold his own son. He gave his own son on my behalf. So I know I can trust him with mine. That's how much he loves me. That's how much he loves my child.
00:36:46
Speaker
So I can find peace in that. Amen. That's redemptive right there. Yeah. That is. Absolutely. You got to preach it to yourself though. Right? It's not easy. It's easy to live in.
00:36:58
Speaker
preaching the gospel to yourself daily. I find that, and I'm so grateful for, now that we're recording, I can't remember his name, but the praise song that I sing probably on repeat and with my arms raised in our kitchen by myself is, Lord, I need you. Oh, I need you. I know it's a hymn too, but the new version, you know, I need you, I need you, Lord, I need you.
00:37:21
Speaker
And that's what's on my lips and on my mouth is, Lord, please. Because I will tell you this, too, as we move on to just to talk about the who and the theology of grief and who God is in this. I remember a specific time about a year ago where, you know, the Lord had me teaching women's Bible study and we were in James. And at the same time, we're in James 1. But in my personal daily life walk in autism,
00:37:49
Speaker
I found myself asking or just pondering, how do we do this? How do we fill out this paperwork, this IEP paperwork? Where do we go for this? Why this? Asking so many of these different questions. And as I was studying that passage in James 1 about
00:38:07
Speaker
ask for wisdom. And God will give it generously. It hit me like a ton of bricks of, I am going to Google for these answers to these questions of how to navigate this. When the Lord says right there, you ask for wisdom, I will give it generously, right? Lord, how do we navigate potty training an autistic kid? Lord, how do we do this thing? Where do we go for this? And I will tell you, Katie, he is faithful.
00:38:37
Speaker
to meet us right there, the Holy Spirit, to guide us. Like you said, He is our helper in those things. There is nothing too small for Him. There's no question or no navigating this hard that is too small or too big for Him. So asking the Lord for wisdom in each step, in each stage, in each encounter with different hard
00:38:58
Speaker
asking him for that wisdom and he will give it now it's not going to be of our own understanding or our own way or how we want it but it is it is I've seen over and over again giving us understanding for the next step ahead.
00:39:10
Speaker
Yes. Yes. Oh yeah. I feel like my prayer life has always been an area of my spiritual walk that is not as a little, this sounds terrible because I'm a talker. Why am I not talking to God more? But my prayer life is one of the weaker parts of my spiritual journey. And I can be grateful that, you know, when we walk in those seasons of grief and man, I'm calling out to God so much more, you know, and I just,
00:39:39
Speaker
I'm thankful that we have a God that wants to hear, that He wants to hear our thoughts and our desires and our hopes and our things that we're concerned about. And so never in your grief, that is never in your grief shut God out, you know, and give Him a silent treatment.
Prayer, Wisdom, and Unity through Suffering
00:39:57
Speaker
Because if we're a believer, right, I mean, we know the power that is available for us, the wisdom that is available for us, if we will just ask. So yeah, keep crying out to God and your grief. Yeah, absolutely. So talk to me a little bit about this theology of grief. Like, how can we see God? Who is God in the midst of this stage? I mean, you've already definitely covered it, but just talk to me a little bit about that.
00:40:25
Speaker
Sure. I think the verse that I was thinking of first, you know, is like John 16 33. So that's a verse that promises you like in this world, you will have trouble, you will have suffering. So there's a promise right there. The theology of grief is that it is inevitable. It affects everyone. There is no one on this planet that hasn't experienced
00:40:49
Speaker
hardship or trouble. And so it is promised in scripture. And so that that is the bad news. And again, I think I went back to creation and we showed there that
00:41:00
Speaker
suffering ultimately is to show us that this is not our home. There is the curse of sin and Adam and Eve were told to leave the garden and then came in work and then child pain, child rearing pain and suffering and death for the wages of sin is death. And so we know that suffering is promised. So you can at least be encouraged in that that you're not alone.
00:41:28
Speaker
And then the verse says, but take heart, I have overcome the world. And this is Jesus is victorious. He took on the sin and the suffering of the world on the cross, experienced the wrath of God out of
00:41:47
Speaker
His love for creation. Creation was separated from the Father because of sin. There is no greater suffering than being separated from God. Right? And so creation was separated from God because of our sin. Death was imminent and going to happen. And Jesus on the cross
00:42:09
Speaker
took all of that down to the grave, defeated, left it there, rose victoriously on the third day, and through that gift of his victory, if we will claim it as ours, we can walk an eternal life in heaven
00:42:25
Speaker
but abundant life here on earth. And so the theology of suffering is to bring you back to the victory of the cross. And so we, when we suffer, we are united with Christ in suffering. He suffered it all. We do not have a God that is impersonal. He is personal. He knows what you're going through and has experienced it all.
00:42:48
Speaker
But he took it, he took all of the hard and the ugly and the mess, took it to the grave, defeated it, rose victoriously, and we know he's coming back. And that's, I just, man, just to remember that your suffering is to remind you, don't get comfortable here. Don't get comfortable. You are not built for this world. This world is not your home. We are just passing through. Your suffering should be used as a tool of ministry.
00:43:13
Speaker
to you will comfort others with the comfort you received. And that's biblical. You will be comforted through this journey in different ways, of course, by the Spirit and by God and by other people. And then you put your yes on the table for ministry to happen and you will comfort other people, pointing them all the way, not to your goodness, but to God's goodness, to the gospel. Share your faith as you suffer. Point others to Jesus. That's why you suffer differently. As believers, we don't suffer like the world suffers.
00:43:42
Speaker
we suffer differently because we have hope. And so while you're doing that and they ask you why, why are you able to get through this? This is hard. You point it to Jesus. Share your faith. You offer them the hope of the gospel and then you remind them, it's not always going to be this way. It is not always going to be this way. There is hope. He is coming back where he will restore and make all things new. And for me, what that means is that one day I will communicate with my child. It'll either be,
00:44:12
Speaker
here on earth if the Lord answers our prayers that way or maybe it will be in heaven but I will get to communicate with my child with no communication barrier one day and in glory if that means Parker will be talking like I talk that's wonderful it may also mean that I will finally understand the way that Parker has always communicated
00:44:32
Speaker
I don't want to be so one-dimensional to think that in heaven Parker's gonna be just like me because I'm the way it should be. I am the model of what is perfect communication. No, no, no, no. What Lori will be is in perfect unity with the father without the presence of sin and I will be perfectly unified with my child. There will be no communication barrier.
00:44:56
Speaker
Um, and I, whatever that looks like, if that looks like Parker speaking English words like me, or if that's me understanding the words he always had, but just wasn't able to, to, to get to my ears, they'll be able to get to my ears and glory. I can read that's all because of the cross.
00:45:11
Speaker
That's right. And that's why encouraging each other, we cannot give up. That's right. Because here's the thing, everything that you just said, the hope that we have and looking forward to that is this. We've also got to know that the enemy wants to paralyze
Challenges and Hope in Raising Disciples
00:45:27
Speaker
us in our grief.
00:45:27
Speaker
He does. And he wants us to stay there. Like I said, I'm not contradicting. We will come in and out of it, but we must, like you said, look in those times when we get... I remember thinking, you know, he can't tell me when he's sick. He can't tell me when his tummy hurts. And that grieves me to the core of my being a mama. I want to know when my kid is sick.
00:45:50
Speaker
But knowing that I can get stuck in that like the isolation like we talked about in that and that I can't get out of that That's when we we must understand that that's what the enemy wants because then like you said, we're not sharing the gospel We're not looking for opportunities. We're not Worshiping with believers and then here's the thing those listening Here's what we're trying to to to encourage is if you're not doing those things then
00:46:15
Speaker
this whole what Pastor Connor said at the beginning of the season of counted worthy or God saw fit to put you, then you're not using that. If you're so paralyzed in this grief and in this hardness, you're not moving out to looking outward. That is it. We want to raise autistic disciples so that one day our Parkers and our Graham, no matter
00:46:43
Speaker
this is like we've talked about there's a whole other rabbit show of if they understand I just believe the gospel is for all so therefore we are raising autistic disciples how they learn and how they grow so that they are worshiping the king of kings and the lord of lords beside us one day in glory for forever right don't get stuck in that grief and in that part so that we're not raising and speaking and singing and
00:47:07
Speaker
and showing our kids the magnificence of following King Jesus, right? Yes, amen, amen. He's worthy. That's right, that's right. And I think about this as just kind of as we wrap up is, this is Paul talking to the church of Corinthians, 2 Corinthians 12, 9, it says, but he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. And that
00:47:34
Speaker
is our prayer in times of grief, in times of hearing diagnosis, in times of denial. And Katie, it's going to be our prayer in the next episode where Collin and Wayne talk about the new normal and ushering in after a diagnosis of, okay, well, this is our new normal. This is what life looks like now that we know and have had the freedom of understanding this is our kid's diagnosis, is autism.
00:48:00
Speaker
What does that look like? That verse of his power is made perfect in my weakness in terms of the new normal. What thoughts do you have towards that? When we finally get to that stage of new normal, there is such a beautiful freedom. I think we talked about this a little bit the last episode I was on. There is such a beautiful freedom to actually enjoy
00:48:26
Speaker
all the Lord has for you in this new stage and and you get to see the good you get to see the good that comes with the hard and Yeah, I'm so I'm so grateful when we get to that stage of new and again remembering the grief is still very much so this is still there but when you get to that new normal and you
00:48:49
Speaker
You realize that, man, the Lord has such plans and purpose and ministry and laughter and other mamas for you to love and pray for and other kids for your kid to befriend, for you to befriend. The new normal is a season of
00:49:09
Speaker
Man, thank you. Thank you, Lord God, that you saw fit to allow me to live this life. This life is never boring. It's an adventure. And I'm grateful for my testimony. But it's a fight. Sometimes I don't feel that way. But yes, there are more days now that I am grateful for my new normal.
00:49:32
Speaker
That's right, that's right. So those of you who are listening, thank you for listening to Raising Autistic Disciples, Episode 8, the grief and acceptance stage. Next episode, we'll be talking about the new normal, but I just want to leave you with this. Once again, 2 Corinthians 12, 9 through 11, it says, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. And then this is us, therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me.
00:50:01
Speaker
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness and insults and hardships and persecutions and difficulties for when I am weak. What is it, Katie? Then I am strong.