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140. Responding to Bullying: How Athletes Can Lead with Empathy and Action
2 Plays1 month ago
In episode #140 of the Especially for Athletes Podcast, we tackle a powerful and emotional topic: bullying. We explore the critical role that athletes, coaches, and parents can play in addressing and preventing bullying, especially in schools. Through a video that went viral, we dive deep into the heart of bullying, the leadership shown by a young boy standing up to bullying, and how athletes can help in these situations.
Key Takeaways:
- Athletes as Leaders in Bullying Prevention – The episode highlights how athletes can use their position of influence to step in when they see bullying. By simply showing empathy and offering support to the victim, athletes can create a culture of kindness. We discuss how a football coach shared a moving video with his team, urging them to be leaders who stand up for others in difficult situations.
- Empathy First, Action Second – It’s not just about confronting the bully, but more importantly, about showing care for the victim. The real work comes from addressing the bullying and offering support by including the victim and making them feel valued. Simple gestures like asking “Are you okay?” or inviting them to join in activities can make a world of difference.
- Bullying Isn’t Just a High School Problem – Bullying happens most frequently in middle school and junior high, with over 70% of students witnessing it. Addressing bullying needs to be a constant conversation, not just a one-time discussion. Athletes, especially those in leadership positions, can use their social influence to make a lasting impact.
- The Heart of Leadership – We explore the deeper emotional and psychological factors that drive bullying behavior. By understanding that many bullies act out due to their own insecurities and struggles, we highlight the importance of showing compassion for both the victim and the bully.
- The Power of Empathy and Action – We wrap up with a powerful message about how true leadership involves more than just preventing bullying—it’s about changing the culture around you. As athletes, the power of the sportlight can be used not only to uplift your peers but also to create a ripple effect that impacts your school, community, and beyond.
This episode challenges athletes, coaches, and parents to be proactive in helping those who are bullied and to set an example of empathy, leadership, and positive action. It’s not just about stopping bullying; it’s about creating an environment where kindness and respect are the norm.
Listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Credits:
Hosted by Shad Martin
Produced by IMAGINATE STUDIO
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Support the show: https://especiallyforathletes.com/podcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome to the Especially for Athletes podcast, where we explore essential principles that empower athletes to learn life's most valuable lessons through sports.
00:00:16
Speaker
Hey, Dustin, how are you, man?
00:00:17
Speaker
Good shot.
00:00:18
Speaker
Good to see you, buddy.
00:00:19
Speaker
You too.
Core Values of the Program
00:00:20
Speaker
I'm excited to have this conversation today because it really is getting at the heart of what our program is about.
00:00:28
Speaker
One of the aspects of it.
00:00:29
Speaker
We ask our athletes to live their life with their eyes up and when they see something that needs to be addressed to do the work to address it.
Bullying and Social Media Discussion
00:00:39
Speaker
And I saw a video come across social media the other day and shared it on our story.
00:00:45
Speaker
I know you as a football coach sent it to parents of the kids that you coach and said, hey, here's homework, watch this with your kid.
00:00:53
Speaker
Maybe what we'll do is start by playing the video
00:00:57
Speaker
And then coming out of that, I would love to know why as a football coach, when you saw that, why you sent it to your parents.
00:01:05
Speaker
And then the discussion today is about how athletes could help young people when they see people being picked on or bullied.
00:01:16
Speaker
What's the appropriate way for an athlete to respond?
00:01:20
Speaker
And then there's a few nationwide examples, but
00:01:23
Speaker
that we'll talk about and talk through to give parents and athletes something to talk about.
00:01:27
Speaker
Like, look, here's what you could do.
00:01:29
Speaker
You don't need to do this, just do this, right?
00:01:32
Speaker
And so here's that video.
00:01:34
Speaker
And then coming out of the video, I would just love to know, why did you share that with the parents of your football team?
Personal Stories of Bullying
00:01:41
Speaker
What's your hope there?
00:01:42
Speaker
And what would be your hope for athletes when they see something like this?
00:01:46
Speaker
It's pretty heartbreaking, but here's the young kid talking to his parents.
00:01:50
Speaker
They call me, they make fun of my nose.
00:01:53
Speaker
They call me hungry.
00:01:55
Speaker
They say I have no friends.
00:01:58
Speaker
What'd they do to you at lunch?
00:01:59
Speaker
Is it just you?
00:02:00
Speaker
Or is it other kids too that feel that way?
00:02:04
Speaker
How's that make you feel?
00:02:14
Speaker
I don't like that they do it to be an officer, no other than they do it to other people, because it's not okay.
00:02:21
Speaker
People that are different don't need to be criticized about it, because it's not their fault.
00:02:31
Speaker
But if you are made fun of, just don't let it bother you.
00:02:37
Speaker
Just stay strong, I guess.
00:02:40
Speaker
It's hard, but it'll probably get better, would it?
00:02:49
Speaker
Well, I'll tell you, Shad, I listened to that a handful of times and then walked in on my wife actually listening to it, emotional, when she was watching it and listening to it.
00:03:00
Speaker
And that's why I felt like I needed to share it.
00:03:04
Speaker
I feel like all of these things, if we come across something
00:03:08
Speaker
We can't just assume that our kids know better.
00:03:12
Speaker
I think that's the main reason, right?
00:03:14
Speaker
It's really easy to assume that's always somebody else's boy or somebody else's girl that's the bully, you know, that's the problem.
00:03:23
Speaker
And assume that we've just taught them better because we think we have in many cases and then we come to find out that
00:03:30
Speaker
And we were the same way when we were young.
00:03:32
Speaker
We're not always the same person and, you know, away from our parents that we are in the front room when they're there.
00:03:38
Speaker
Right.
00:03:38
Speaker
And we all, you know, say or do things that we wouldn't say or do probably if mom or dad was right there.
00:03:43
Speaker
And so we just have to share it.
Leadership and Resilience in Bullying
00:03:46
Speaker
That was my whole, you know, so I just, I shared it first with the boys on the team and said, please watch this.
00:03:51
Speaker
This is what I want you.
00:03:53
Speaker
I want you to be like this young man.
00:03:55
Speaker
I, I thought that young man was a leader.
00:03:58
Speaker
You know, the things he said there at the end, I,
00:04:00
Speaker
I went from this, man, this kid's a victim and I felt so sorry to still feeling awful for that boy.
00:04:08
Speaker
But also the thought came across my mind, holy cow, this kid has maturity and leadership just dripping from him.
00:04:16
Speaker
Like what a crazy kid.
00:04:17
Speaker
Awesome, awesome young man.
00:04:18
Speaker
That's what leadership is.
00:04:20
Speaker
So I shared it to the boys to say, this is what I mean when I say be a leader and be a real man.
00:04:25
Speaker
This is what I'm talking about.
00:04:27
Speaker
And then I realized, you know what?
00:04:28
Speaker
As parents, I would want something sent to me.
00:04:32
Speaker
I saw that on our story on accident.
00:04:35
Speaker
You had shared it on our story.
00:04:37
Speaker
I'm not on social media much at all.
00:04:39
Speaker
I'm really only on it to look at our stuff.
00:04:41
Speaker
And I went on there to look and saw that a story had been posted.
00:04:46
Speaker
And I saw that and I thought, gosh, I'm glad I saw that.
00:04:49
Speaker
I'm glad that was shared.
00:04:51
Speaker
So, you know, I think the more we can help each other maybe touch that emotional button sometimes in us to say, you know what?
00:05:01
Speaker
Yeah, I need to go have another conversation with my kids about this.
00:05:05
Speaker
We just have to, it can't be a one-time conversation and then assume our son or daughter will never do this.
00:05:11
Speaker
It has to be regular.
00:05:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:14
Speaker
And, and, you know, the temptation is when I think back to junior high and high school Shad Martin, right?
00:05:20
Speaker
Like, I think I was, I don't think I ever did that to people.
00:05:24
Speaker
Like I never poured milk on people, called people ugly, made fun of their noses.
00:05:29
Speaker
I, I honestly don't remember if I ever did, man, I,
00:05:34
Speaker
If someone could reach out to me, I'll apologize right now and make it right.
00:05:37
Speaker
But I don't, I honestly have no recollection of being mean to people.
00:05:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:42
Speaker
But, um, I was an idiot teenager, so I'm sure there's a chance of that.
00:05:47
Speaker
But I think the temptation for some athletes would be, oh yeah, I know what they're asking me to do.
00:05:52
Speaker
Right.
00:05:53
Speaker
If I ever see that,
00:05:54
Speaker
I'm going to kick the crap out of the person who's treating someone like that.
00:05:58
Speaker
Like I'm going to bully the bullying right out of that kid.
00:06:01
Speaker
Right.
Guidance for Handling Bullying Situations
00:06:02
Speaker
And that's not what we're asking athletes to do.
00:06:06
Speaker
So you coach, like you have a hundred plus kids in your program there, you know, at all levels that look up to you as a coach at Spanish fork high school right now.
00:06:18
Speaker
And, and a youth program, like if you were to tell those kids,
00:06:23
Speaker
When you see this, when you see someone at your school being picked on, this is what I hope you will do.
00:06:31
Speaker
As your coach, I hope you will fill in the blank.
00:06:35
Speaker
Like, what would be your dream for your own son who's coming up through that age right now when he saw this?
00:06:42
Speaker
What would you want him to do?
00:06:43
Speaker
How can athletes do that?
Origins and Evolution of the Program
00:06:45
Speaker
Well, maybe before I answer that, a short history lesson for the people listening to this, especially for athletes started –
00:06:54
Speaker
in large part because of this.
00:06:56
Speaker
It was bullying.
00:06:59
Speaker
It's transpired into all sorts of other things from suicide prevention and mental health and leadership and sportsmanship and all these other things.
00:07:09
Speaker
But it originally had a very heavy, I'd say, Shad, probably 70%, 80% of the program was based around bullying.
00:07:19
Speaker
I've told the story that
00:07:21
Speaker
when I really started talking to the quarterbacks that I train in my other business was after watching my daughter, who was being bullied in fourth grade, walk into her school.
00:07:32
Speaker
And I watched two sixth graders walk behind her.
00:07:35
Speaker
And one of them had a t-shirt on from one of my football camps.
00:07:38
Speaker
He'd been to one of my quarterback elite camps.
00:07:41
Speaker
I didn't know him, but I recognized the shirt.
00:07:44
Speaker
And it dawning on me that
00:07:47
Speaker
we need to talk to these athletes more about how they can help people in their school.
00:07:51
Speaker
And that's what, that was really the start of talking to quarterbacks and athletes about helping others and looking out for others and keeping their eyes up and doing the work.
00:08:02
Speaker
And the phrase, especially because you're an athlete, kept coming up.
00:08:06
Speaker
And that led to especially for athletes.
00:08:08
Speaker
And you have this spotlight on you.
00:08:09
Speaker
And then you and I wrote
00:08:11
Speaker
You know, the book and what are we and you came, you said, well, the spotlight, that's the same thing as spotlight.
00:08:15
Speaker
That's how all this stuff came to be.
00:08:17
Speaker
But it started with this desire to want to address bullying and suicides, both of which were talked about all the time back then.
00:08:27
Speaker
Still, I hope are are still problems.
00:08:31
Speaker
And us wanting the athletes and the same, so this hasn't changed.
00:08:35
Speaker
I'd want my sons, I'd want my daughters, I'd want the kids I coach, and especially for athletes in QB Elite and in the high school, to first go up to the boy being bullied and step in front of the situation and address him first.
00:08:51
Speaker
Step in front of it.
00:08:52
Speaker
Take him aside and say, hey, hey, hey, guys, that's enough, enough.
00:08:55
Speaker
And take him aside and say, are you okay?
00:08:57
Speaker
Are you good?
00:08:58
Speaker
Like, that's how I think that's the first thing to do.
00:09:01
Speaker
There is a part of me, though, Shad, and I think I actually sent this to you on that when I saw that story.
00:09:08
Speaker
because you had written appropriately, you're the smart end of this two-headed monster.
00:09:14
Speaker
Thank you for recognizing that.
00:09:15
Speaker
No, I'm just kidding.
00:09:17
Speaker
You had written on the story, you know, to be kind and don't be a bully back.
00:09:22
Speaker
Right.
00:09:23
Speaker
And I had written, or just go knock their teeth out, right?
00:09:27
Speaker
I think that was my response.
00:09:29
Speaker
That's the other response is you can just go, you know, knock their teeth out the back of their head.
00:09:33
Speaker
Because there's a part of me that would be okay with that, to be honest with you.
00:09:39
Speaker
And I think sometimes the kid doing that needs that.
00:09:43
Speaker
He needs somebody to come and just, I'm sorry, but...
00:09:48
Speaker
I may be old school in that, but I do.
00:09:50
Speaker
I think sometimes the kids who are that mean and that cruel need to have somebody bigger and stronger than them
00:09:58
Speaker
come and let him know what it feels like.
00:09:59
Speaker
But I know that's not the right way to teach and we shouldn't do that.
00:10:03
Speaker
But I would first, I would ask the athletes to stop the situation and then address the kid that's being bullied so that he, and let him know, hey, talk to the kid, be with him, walk him to class, be more aware of him.
00:10:18
Speaker
You know, then you probably got to go talk to adults and things.
00:10:21
Speaker
But Shad, let's be honest, man.
00:10:24
Speaker
Sorry, adults.
00:10:25
Speaker
Sorry, admin.
00:10:27
Speaker
You try, but you can't get to all of them and and very rarely do the adults in the situation actually.
00:10:35
Speaker
Prevent this from happening.
00:10:37
Speaker
It has to be.
00:10:39
Speaker
The kids, I think, and the parents that's who's going to prevent and if the parents aren't going to do it and the admin aren't going to do it.
00:10:46
Speaker
And I understand that's hard to do.
00:10:49
Speaker
Sometimes athletes need to get involved and sometimes they need to get involved in a way that.
00:10:54
Speaker
you know, may not always be the friendly, nice, Hey guys, would you stop picking on this kid?
00:10:58
Speaker
But, but can I say something about that?
00:11:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:01
Speaker
Because, because I think one of the things with the sport light is there is a threat there.
00:11:09
Speaker
Does that make sense?
00:11:10
Speaker
It's not that you're going to go and initiate violence, but when you're a big, strong football player, or when you're a cheerleader with social influence and you're a, and you're walking up to someone and saying, Hey,
00:11:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:24
Speaker
Like, stop it.
00:11:25
Speaker
Like, that's not cool.
00:11:27
Speaker
There is that position that that they know that if things go down, it's not going to turn out good for me, allows you to have that influence to really get someone to stop it and to say, hey, you're not going to do that again.
00:11:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:46
Speaker
But then I think often if we just leave it there, I actually feel like it could leave the kid feeling weak instead of empowered.
00:11:55
Speaker
The kid was being bullied.
00:11:57
Speaker
But if you do the other part you're talking about, like, Hey dude, you okay?
00:12:01
Speaker
What are you doing for lunch?
00:12:02
Speaker
You want to come with us for lunch?
00:12:04
Speaker
Like you got a group of friends here.
00:12:07
Speaker
Then that's empowering to the kid.
00:12:10
Speaker
They feel valued.
00:12:12
Speaker
Instead of just protected.
00:12:14
Speaker
I think if we only leave a kid feeling protected, we've done kind of half the job.
Empathy Towards Bullies
00:12:20
Speaker
Yeah, I agree.
00:12:21
Speaker
Yeah, we we put a bandaid on that particular situation.
00:12:25
Speaker
If we just go in and say, hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.
00:12:28
Speaker
All right, everyone go and everyone walks to class or whatever.
00:12:30
Speaker
And that's it.
00:12:32
Speaker
Right.
00:12:33
Speaker
we now need to engage in this young man's life, the victim's life, and make sure that they feel like they've got a support group around them.
00:12:41
Speaker
And that's where, that's the work.
00:12:44
Speaker
What we just said, to step in and just say, hey, stop.
00:12:48
Speaker
I don't think that's work, Chad.
00:12:50
Speaker
I think that most every human being might be hard to do it, but I, and so I guess it's a little bit of work because I don't get, for me, it's not.
00:12:59
Speaker
I don't understand how people watch another person suffer
00:13:02
Speaker
And don't get involved.
00:13:03
Speaker
When I see people recording things going bad in somebody's life and everyone grabs their phone to record it.
00:13:09
Speaker
I'm always shocked.
00:13:11
Speaker
Go help them.
00:13:12
Speaker
Stop recording this.
00:13:14
Speaker
Put your phone down and go help the person.
00:13:16
Speaker
But for some people it's hard.
00:13:19
Speaker
And I get that.
00:13:20
Speaker
But the real work is now making sure that this person feels good.
00:13:26
Speaker
like they have a group now to involve them and be with them so that they're not alone and they feel like they have somebody and you're engaged in their life.
00:13:35
Speaker
Now that's going to take some work and that's going to take leadership.
00:13:39
Speaker
And that's the core of, especially for athletes, because you're right.
00:13:44
Speaker
That's why we said, especially the athletes can address this stuff.
00:13:48
Speaker
You can especially prevent or stop this from happening because you're an athlete.
00:13:53
Speaker
You have this, the spotlight on you, the sport light.
00:13:55
Speaker
And the team around you.
00:13:57
Speaker
And a team around you.
00:13:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:13:58
Speaker
Just with that, you come with a presence that the other person is going to have to acknowledge is real.
00:14:05
Speaker
And everybody should, but especially the athletes.
00:14:08
Speaker
That's the whole point of the program.
00:14:10
Speaker
And yes, you're right.
00:14:12
Speaker
Hopefully it can stop at that.
00:14:14
Speaker
If it doesn't, then especially the athletes, you know how to do hard things and make sure that things get done.
00:14:20
Speaker
Right.
00:14:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:22
Speaker
You know, sometimes the bullies, I think, need to be very strictly addressed and talked to.
00:14:28
Speaker
That's a very good way to say it.
00:14:33
Speaker
Here's some things going back to what you said.
00:14:36
Speaker
We have well-meaning parents.
00:14:38
Speaker
We have incredible admin and teachers who love students.
00:14:43
Speaker
I don't believe there's many teachers that would see these things happening and not address it or principals and admin at schools or coaches.
00:14:53
Speaker
But listen to these statistics.
00:14:54
Speaker
This is interesting.
00:14:57
Speaker
19.2%, so one in five students age 12 through 18 report being bullied during the 2021-2022 school year.
00:15:08
Speaker
So one in five at some point in that school year, just a couple years ago, reported that they were bullied.
00:15:16
Speaker
70.6% of young people say, I've seen it.
00:15:21
Speaker
I've witnessed it in my school.
00:15:23
Speaker
But then this is what's interesting.
00:15:26
Speaker
Bullying, when they say, okay, you've been bullied at school, where were you bullied?
00:15:32
Speaker
39% of the time, it happens in a classroom.
00:15:35
Speaker
37.5% of the time, it happens in hallways.
00:15:38
Speaker
And 21.6% of the time, it's online.
00:15:41
Speaker
And so...
00:15:54
Speaker
like people, 70, we, this isn't a thing where we talk to kids and we're like, Hey, you know, this might, this is like a one in a million chance.
00:16:03
Speaker
It's why, you know, like you and I, if we're, Oh, I need to get a concealed weapons permit.
00:16:08
Speaker
Cause there's this one in 1 million chance that I'm going to be in an instance where I need to help someone that we aren't talking about that.
00:16:15
Speaker
We're talking seven in 10 kids.
00:16:19
Speaker
are going to witness this happening, what we're talking about, at least once in a school year.
00:16:25
Speaker
So if we could train them, especially the athletes, as we've talked about, hey, when you see it, you need to address it.
00:16:34
Speaker
Now, some will feel comfortable because of the situation, walking up and being like, hey, this isn't happening.
00:16:41
Speaker
Others might be a little bit more timid, or it might be a young lady who sees young men, you know, bullying another young man.
00:16:51
Speaker
And in that instance, at least show love and concern for the kid being bullied.
00:16:58
Speaker
You can imagine the impact it would have, Dustin.
00:17:01
Speaker
if this beautiful young lady, if some boys try thinking they were impressing other people walk up to this, this young man and they're bullying him.
00:17:11
Speaker
And then this beautiful young lady walks up and it's like, Hey, are you okay?
00:17:16
Speaker
Doesn't even say anything to the guys, you know, that are doing the bullying.
00:17:19
Speaker
Are you okay?
00:17:20
Speaker
I'm so sorry.
00:17:21
Speaker
They're treating you this way.
00:17:22
Speaker
That influence can be, can be huge.
00:17:26
Speaker
And I thought that that was a little bit alarming.
Challenges in Preventing Bullying at School
00:17:29
Speaker
I mean, four in the tank, uh,
00:17:31
Speaker
basically four in 10 that are bullied are bullied in classrooms where there is an adult present and kids still feel comfortable doing it.
00:17:40
Speaker
And that's kind of what I was saying before is that the teachers and the admin can't be expected to keep their eyes on all 1,500 kids or whatever at the school because they're not always in the hall and in the cafeteria and part of every conversation in the classroom.
00:17:58
Speaker
And, you know, but I, you know, Chad, I think maybe I'm, let me add one more thing to what we say by do the work and leadership, because this might be the hardest of all.
00:18:08
Speaker
And the reason I bring it up is because I'm reminded of years ago when we were talking about this before we were doing the podcast.
00:18:17
Speaker
You sharing a story about a hunting dog being injured and the hunter getting frustrated with his dog because he wouldn't go chase down the birds that were being shot and throwing his dog into the truck and embarrassed that this dog wasn't doing anything and then finding out the dog was injured.
00:18:37
Speaker
That's why the dog wasn't chasing down the birds.
00:18:40
Speaker
He'd been cut by a barbed wire fence running and he was hurting.
00:18:44
Speaker
And that's why he was acting the way he was acting.
00:18:47
Speaker
So let me put that video.
00:18:48
Speaker
I'll put that video in right here.
00:18:50
Speaker
Let's watch that video real quick and then come out of that video.
00:18:53
Speaker
And yeah, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
00:18:56
Speaker
So everyone knows the story here.
00:18:58
Speaker
So here's the video and then come out of it and tell us what you're thinking.
00:19:02
Speaker
Most people are not idiots.
00:19:04
Speaker
They are injured.
00:19:06
Speaker
This is the lesson that someone taught me that literally changed the way I looked at people.
00:19:10
Speaker
Here's the story that taught them the lesson that they shared with me.
00:19:14
Speaker
Jack had a hunting dog that he loved and he was so excited to show off his new hunting dog to his new son-in-law.
00:19:21
Speaker
They drove to where they would be hunting, climbed through a barbed wire fence, and headed back to the pond.
00:19:27
Speaker
Pretty soon the duck started to fly in and Jack shot the first duck and told his dog to fetch it up.
00:19:32
Speaker
But his dog just stayed where it was and did not respond to Jack's commands.
00:19:36
Speaker
More forcefully, Jack said, fetch it up.
00:19:38
Speaker
And finally his dog meandered over, grabbed the bird, and brought it back.
00:19:43
Speaker
Pretty soon another duck flew upon him and the son-in-law shot it and it came tumbling down in the pond.
00:19:49
Speaker
Once again, Jack told his dog to fetch it up.
00:19:51
Speaker
And once again, the dog did not respond.
00:19:54
Speaker
Frustrated, Jack coats his dog into the pond and it swam this 10 foot circle and came back without the duck.
00:20:01
Speaker
Jack's son-in-law turned to him and said, I don't feel comfortable shooting birds that your dog's not gonna retrieve.
00:20:07
Speaker
Agreeing, but dejected and frustrated, Jack, his son-in-law and the dog headed back to the truck.
00:20:13
Speaker
He put down his tailgate and told his dog to load up, but the dog wouldn't jump in.
00:20:18
Speaker
Frustrated, Jack picked up his dog, threw it in the back of the truck, and when he went to go shut his tailgate, he noticed he had blood all over his hands.
00:20:27
Speaker
Examining his dog, he found that his dog had a six-inch cut on his belly that he must have got from the barbed wire fence.
00:20:34
Speaker
Instantly, Jack's emotion changed from frustration to compassion.
00:20:40
Speaker
He wanted to help his dog.
00:20:43
Speaker
Most of the time, when people are behaving inappropriately,
00:20:47
Speaker
Like Jack's dog, they are injured.
00:20:49
Speaker
They're not idiots.
00:20:51
Speaker
That lesson changed the way I looked at the world.
00:20:54
Speaker
When I see someone behaving like an idiot, I tell myself they're injured.
00:20:59
Speaker
Then my heart is full of compassion and a desire to help instead of frustration and a desire to criticize.
00:21:08
Speaker
Give it a try.
00:21:09
Speaker
It sure has helped me in my life.
00:21:11
Speaker
I'll forever be grateful for that lesson that Jack taught me.
00:21:15
Speaker
Keep your eyes up and do the work.
00:21:19
Speaker
So that video explains something that we should probably talk about.
00:21:22
Speaker
And that is that the real leadership, like the real get your hands dirty doing the work.
00:21:28
Speaker
When we say eyes up, do the work.
00:21:31
Speaker
It's also addressing the fact that the person doing the bullying may be acting in a way that doesn't make sense and acting out or acting for attention because they're injured.
00:21:41
Speaker
Just like the story that you show, Chad, that dog was acting differently, not because it was, that's not who it was.
00:21:50
Speaker
That's just, it was in a moment where it was injured and it was acting in a way that appeared to be frustrating to other people.
00:21:57
Speaker
I believe behind these bullies are other issues.
00:22:00
Speaker
Probably at the end of that, the start of that issue is a parent.
00:22:04
Speaker
Okay.
00:22:05
Speaker
That's, that's dropping the ball.
00:22:08
Speaker
But it could be another sibling in their family.
00:22:10
Speaker
It could be,
00:22:12
Speaker
unrelated to parents being neglecting or anything, just a tough life.
00:22:17
Speaker
They're just dealing with stuff and they don't, and they have to, and their outlet to get attention or to feel more powerful or whatever is to do what they're doing.
00:22:25
Speaker
Now, that doesn't give them an excuse to cause another person harm.
00:22:31
Speaker
The real leadership and the real work would be if our athletes, if we could teach our kids and if we could teach the kids we coach,
00:22:39
Speaker
to go talk to the bully at some point and just say, hey, are you good?
00:22:43
Speaker
Are you okay?
00:22:44
Speaker
I'm so-and-so.
00:22:46
Speaker
I don't know you, but I saw what happened with whatever, Mike in the hallway.
00:22:53
Speaker
Are you okay?
00:22:54
Speaker
And the truth is, Chad, that in a perfect world, they're going to say, no, I'm not okay.
00:22:59
Speaker
Thank you for coming over and talking to me.
00:23:01
Speaker
I feel so bad I picked on that kid and I just needed someone to, this is going to save my life.
00:23:08
Speaker
The truth is that's probably not going to happen.
00:23:10
Speaker
They might even turn and say some pretty mean things to you.
00:23:13
Speaker
But the least they know somebody was interested in them and reached out.
00:23:18
Speaker
And my guess is that question, are you okay?
00:23:21
Speaker
Is there anything I can do to help you?
00:23:24
Speaker
Might get them to think a little bit and may be,
00:23:29
Speaker
lighten the flame a little bit, right?
00:23:32
Speaker
Put down the flame of the fire a little bit versus if we're just screaming and yelling and a person like that's just going to be more inflamed and I think more likely to
00:23:44
Speaker
to be more defensive and defend themselves.
00:23:47
Speaker
So it's a tight line that we have to walk there.
00:23:52
Speaker
But I think what you said in the story you shared, showing love to both would be ideal.
00:23:59
Speaker
There is times when it is what it is and you got to address the fact that it's not stopping and somebody needs to be maybe addressed,
Influence of Older Students
00:24:08
Speaker
addressed.
00:24:08
Speaker
But being sensitive to both parties as much as possible
00:24:13
Speaker
is probably the way to go about it.
00:24:15
Speaker
And then you got to try to get adults involved.
00:24:18
Speaker
But parents and coaches, this is happening more.
00:24:21
Speaker
And we probably should find studies on this, Shad, but I don't see this being a high school thing.
00:24:26
Speaker
Not that it doesn't happen in high school, it does.
00:24:29
Speaker
But this is more in middle school, junior high, elementary.
00:24:32
Speaker
That kind of fifth to eighth, ninth grade is where
00:24:37
Speaker
I think the bulk of this stuff's happening.
00:24:39
Speaker
I think most high school kids kind of know you probably don't go make fun of, you know, a special needs kid like that's just they're more mature.
00:24:48
Speaker
Um, but these young kids that we think are just these sweet, innocent 12 year old girls and boys can be cruel.
00:24:55
Speaker
Yeah, there's that saying, Dustin, someone replied to that video, um,
00:25:02
Speaker
And they said something that just resonates with me.
00:25:04
Speaker
Hurt people hurt people.
00:25:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:06
Speaker
And I really believe that.
00:25:09
Speaker
And I love what you're saying there, because even if you go up to someone, like you said, it doesn't end all warm and fuzzy.
00:25:17
Speaker
But a lot of times people bully people.
00:25:20
Speaker
because they just want to be almost in control.
00:25:24
Speaker
They feel so low themselves that they're almost trying to convince themselves that I am above someone.
00:25:31
Speaker
And if I could bully someone, that means at least I'm not the lowest, right?
00:25:37
Speaker
Because they're feeling so low.
00:25:39
Speaker
But to go to someone who's in that state of mind and to say, are you okay?
00:25:44
Speaker
Like, why are you treating people this way?
00:25:47
Speaker
Are you all right, man?
00:25:48
Speaker
Which it takes a special person to do that.
00:25:51
Speaker
That's why we say, especially for athletes, because I think an athlete could do that without fear of someone coming back at them because they have the confidence they have, you know, oftentimes to do that.
00:26:04
Speaker
But
00:26:05
Speaker
But I think at least it plants something in the mind of that kid that I was just making fun of that person, but I'm the one that something's actually wrong with, right?
00:26:18
Speaker
Is there something wrong here?
00:26:21
Speaker
And I believe that that's a big thing.
00:26:23
Speaker
And if we could see why people do what they do, but I, one other thing, Dustin, what you just said, I think is super profound.
00:26:34
Speaker
And I hope parents that are listening to this, I've had daughters go up through now.
00:26:38
Speaker
I have one that's a junior.
00:26:39
Speaker
So your kids are kind of that same age.
00:26:42
Speaker
You know, your first three are the same age, basically, as my daughters.
00:26:46
Speaker
And so I've seen my kids go up and through elementary, junior high, high school.
00:26:53
Speaker
Junior high.
00:26:55
Speaker
is like Lord of the Flies, man.
00:26:57
Speaker
Like those kids are so cruel to each other and they're trying to establish identity and they're so insecure themselves.
00:27:07
Speaker
And so they oftentimes lash out at other kids.
00:27:11
Speaker
And I do think this stuff is way less common in high school than it is in junior high, meaning the bullying part of it.
00:27:20
Speaker
And so
00:27:22
Speaker
That's a message though for high school athletes as well as you talk with younger kids and younger athletes, you get invited to schools to read and to do those things like to hear you call this stuff out.
00:27:35
Speaker
and to say, this isn't cool, don't do this, that stuff is important and it can have a big effect.
00:27:42
Speaker
But I think these discussions need to happen.
00:27:44
Speaker
If I had my way, it'd be with every sixth grader.
00:27:47
Speaker
Fifth grade, there's this beautiful innocence, every kid's cool.
00:27:54
Speaker
It seems that sixth grade to ninth grade could be crazy.
00:27:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:01
Speaker
And as nice as our kids seem, and they all, all these kids are good kids.
00:28:07
Speaker
but all kids also say and do things that I think they'll look back at.
00:28:12
Speaker
We all have probably said or done something when we were 12, 13, 14 years old that looking back at, we were ashamed of and we just didn't get it yet socially or whatever.
00:28:23
Speaker
We didn't quite understand it.
00:28:24
Speaker
And so we need to help those kids who are doing it understand that it's wrong and that they're probably something else, they're hurt as well.
00:28:33
Speaker
There's something else going on, but make sure that the victim
00:28:37
Speaker
That's the key, that they then feel part of something.
00:28:39
Speaker
They shouldn't be alone.
00:28:41
Speaker
That young man that we shared the video on, I hope that he has a group of people walking with him and hanging out with him and protecting him.
00:28:49
Speaker
Because that's the best way to address the bullies, I think, is to...
00:28:53
Speaker
support the kids in such a way that the bullies realize that what they're doing isn't popular and it isn't cool and it isn't appreciated.
00:29:01
Speaker
In fact, the other person is becoming more appreciated and liked and loved because, you know, they are being picked on.
00:29:11
Speaker
But then when you can and you feel the courage to do it, get a chance to talk to the bully if possible and
00:29:19
Speaker
That's hard.
00:29:19
Speaker
I mean, we're asking a lot for kids to do that.
00:29:22
Speaker
But, you know, that's where we're going.
00:29:25
Speaker
But there are some kids who could do it, man.
00:29:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:28
Speaker
And that's why we share the message that we share with people is there are kids out there right now.
00:29:35
Speaker
I understand we're talking to a subset of kids.
00:29:37
Speaker
There's kids that are bullied.
00:29:39
Speaker
And right now they're hearing this and they're saying, I wish someone would do something for me.
00:29:44
Speaker
There's other kids that, you know, maybe they don't feel physically or even socially adept enough to say, I can address that with a bully.
00:29:55
Speaker
But there is a group of kids out there.
00:29:57
Speaker
And you parents, you know who those kids are.
00:30:00
Speaker
And your kid might be one of them.
00:30:02
Speaker
Man, coaches, you know what kids are the... And when I say alphas, I know that phrase has been kind of blown up into something it isn't, but the alpha wolf in a pack...
00:30:15
Speaker
That's the one that takes care of the pack, right?
00:30:18
Speaker
Like that alpha is the ultimate protector.
00:30:22
Speaker
So for you alphas or parents of alphas that are listening to this, you could do something about this.
00:30:29
Speaker
You could change if you decided that, no, this isn't happening in our school.
00:30:34
Speaker
And you got with other like-minded people, you could eliminate it.
00:30:38
Speaker
I believe you could eliminate...
00:30:40
Speaker
the overt stuff.
00:30:42
Speaker
Here's why we need to.
00:30:43
Speaker
This is interesting, Dustin.
00:30:45
Speaker
I did look up some studies in preparation for this.
00:30:48
Speaker
This is why it's important to have these discussions.
00:30:51
Speaker
Victims of bullying are nine times more likely to report suicidal thoughts.
00:30:59
Speaker
According to the CDC, students who are bullied are at much higher risk for depression,
00:31:08
Speaker
for anxiety and for sleep disorders.
00:31:15
Speaker
Like there are kids depressed, anxious to go to school, literal physical stomach aches because of the way they're being treated at school.
00:31:26
Speaker
It makes them nauseous because of nervousness to go.
00:31:30
Speaker
There's kids that are having a hard time falling asleep at night
00:31:34
Speaker
because they know they have to wake up and go to school the next day and be treated the way that they're being treated.
00:31:42
Speaker
So there are many examples out there.
00:31:44
Speaker
We'll put a few in our YouTube channels this week and in our social media about this topic, but that people could go to and look for that.
Mental Health Impacts of Bullying
00:31:54
Speaker
But the truth of the matter is to think that there are kids like this young man that we started the podcast with that are having people treat them like that.
00:32:04
Speaker
that are wondering if their life is worth it, that are having, that are depressed and anxious and having a hard time sleeping because they have to go to school the next day.
00:32:14
Speaker
If having this discussion with everyone who listens to this, if you just sat down with your kids or your team and said, Hey, you're going to see this stuff.
00:32:26
Speaker
Statistics say that 70% of you are going to witness it.
00:32:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:31
Speaker
online, in the hallways, in a classroom somewhere, sometimes even on your own team.
00:32:36
Speaker
Please address it.
00:32:37
Speaker
And parents, you know who your kids are.
00:32:40
Speaker
And those kids who are listening to this, you know who you are.
00:32:44
Speaker
You can address it a number of ways.
00:32:46
Speaker
One, show love to the kid who's being bullied and make sure they know that they're loved by someone.
00:32:51
Speaker
But there are some of you who could address these things, not even on an individual basis, but to say, this is not happening at our school.
00:32:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:00
Speaker
You know, there are some with such influence.
00:33:02
Speaker
They could say, this is not happening at our school.
00:33:05
Speaker
Yep.
00:33:06
Speaker
And I hope that they'll do that.
00:33:07
Speaker
Any closing thoughts, Dustin, that you have on this?
00:33:11
Speaker
Maybe the first statistic I ever used in when I'd speak at schools was this one.
00:33:16
Speaker
I still use it.
00:33:17
Speaker
It's several years old, but I assume it's still fairly accurate.
00:33:21
Speaker
around 160,000 kids a day don't go to school out of the fear of being bullied.
00:33:27
Speaker
So you have to be so afraid to fake sick or to slough, say you're going and then not go, right?
00:33:34
Speaker
Leave the house, mom thinks you're at school and then you don't, or you're faking sick or something.
00:33:40
Speaker
160,000 comes out to be almost two kids at every public school in America every day.
00:33:46
Speaker
So just remember when we're talking to our kids,
00:33:51
Speaker
two kids at your local elementary, two kids at your local junior high school, two kids at your local high school, this very second, aren't at school because they were so afraid something was gonna happen, they were gonna be embarrassed and made fun of because of the way they looked or the way they talked or the way they dressed or whatever, that they didn't go.
00:34:12
Speaker
And if those are even at all true, even close to true,
00:34:17
Speaker
then this can't be just a once every year or two discussion with one assembly that's done a year to talk about bullying or posters that are put up in hallways that talk about bullying.
00:34:29
Speaker
Or bring awareness.
00:34:30
Speaker
Like 70% are aware.
00:34:32
Speaker
They've seen it.
00:34:33
Speaker
We don't need awareness programs out there.
00:34:35
Speaker
And that's what we are, Shad, right?
00:34:37
Speaker
We've said this a million times.
00:34:39
Speaker
Yes, we're an awareness program, but we are a prevention
Need for Action-Oriented Programs
00:34:42
Speaker
program.
00:34:42
Speaker
We're a get things done program.
00:34:44
Speaker
Enough of the just talking about it, making people aware of it.
00:34:48
Speaker
Crap, man, it's a problem.
00:34:49
Speaker
We know it's a problem.
00:34:50
Speaker
All this stuff is.
00:34:51
Speaker
We're aware, for goodness, for heaven's sakes.
00:34:54
Speaker
We're aware that these are issues.
00:34:55
Speaker
What are we going to do about it?
00:34:57
Speaker
Right?
00:34:58
Speaker
We got to get into the...
00:35:00
Speaker
hard to discuss things and we've got to get into the dirt of the matter and get our hands dirty fixing it.
00:35:06
Speaker
And that means you need people willing to do hard things.
00:35:09
Speaker
That's why we say, well, everybody should, but how about
00:35:14
Speaker
the athletes, especially them, because they've got a position to stop it now and they know how to do hard things.
00:35:20
Speaker
So that's what we're, because it shouldn't be 160, it should be zero kids, not 160,000.
00:35:25
Speaker
Shad, this podcast, you and I have been talking for 34 minutes.
00:35:31
Speaker
According to national statistics, three people under the age of 25 have tried to take their life since we started this.
00:35:40
Speaker
My guess is all three of them probably were bullied.
00:35:45
Speaker
and it only takes one, hopefully a member of especially for athletes, if that's it, if our kids are listening to maybe go and do something to prevent that one from happening.
00:35:57
Speaker
And that might not happen in junior high or high school.
00:36:00
Speaker
The taking of the life might happen when they're 26.
00:36:04
Speaker
or 30, because stuff that was rooted in junior high school finally shows itself in their mid-20s or 30s from lack of self-esteem and confidence and other issues that then boils over later in life.
00:36:18
Speaker
So it's not just, hey, we got through high school this year and nobody took their life.
00:36:23
Speaker
So successful year, everybody.
00:36:25
Speaker
Good job, admin.
00:36:26
Speaker
Good job, coaches.
00:36:26
Speaker
Good job, kids.
00:36:28
Speaker
No, kids were still damaged.
00:36:29
Speaker
Like, we have to address the problem, not just talk about the problem.
00:36:34
Speaker
And we're trying to address it.
00:36:36
Speaker
And we feel the best way to address it is all kids should, every human being should have their eyes up and do the work, especially the athletes, because of the sport like that's, that's, but parents and coaches,
00:36:48
Speaker
We have to talk to our kids regularly about this and nip it at the butt if it ever happens immediately.
Athletes as Advocates Against Bullying
00:36:55
Speaker
No tolerance for it.
00:36:57
Speaker
And just, yeah, man, we just got to be kinder and more empathetic to people.
00:37:04
Speaker
And I would say that everything an adult or an admin or a teacher sees, just assume that it's 10 times worse when you're not there.
00:37:15
Speaker
Yep.
00:37:16
Speaker
And...
00:37:17
Speaker
My heart goes out to these kids.
00:37:18
Speaker
I wish I could get in contact with the kid, Dustin.
00:37:22
Speaker
You and I would probably fly out and take that kid to lunch.
00:37:25
Speaker
I know.
00:37:25
Speaker
I already thought the same thing.
00:37:26
Speaker
How do we find this kid?
00:37:28
Speaker
Find that kid.
00:37:29
Speaker
If anyone can help us find that kid, we'll find that kid's football team and we'll surround that kid with kids that are like that.
00:37:37
Speaker
NFL games and NBA games and that kid, what a leader, man.
00:37:41
Speaker
I mean, I can't wait to see where he's at in 20 years from now.
00:37:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:45
Speaker
That kid is, he's a, you can tell that that kid is a resilient, tough kid who's hurting deep, but he's tough, man.
00:37:54
Speaker
That kid is tough.
00:37:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:57
Speaker
Well, thank you, everybody.
00:37:59
Speaker
Please have this discussion, not just right now, but all the time.
00:38:03
Speaker
Make sure your kid is a kid who not only it's one thing to be not a bully.
00:38:11
Speaker
It's another thing to be someone who looks out for others and intentionally lifts others.
00:38:16
Speaker
And we've had that discussion so many times.
00:38:18
Speaker
We could talk for two hours about this, but the point of this one is
00:38:22
Speaker
This episode is just to say, will you have this discussion with your kids, with your teams frequently?
00:38:29
Speaker
There's kids out there hurting.
00:38:31
Speaker
Athletes are in a position to help.
00:38:33
Speaker
So keep your eyes up and do the work.
00:38:35
Speaker
Thanks for joining us.
00:38:38
Speaker
Thank you for joining the Especially for Athletes podcast.
00:38:41
Speaker
To learn more about Especially for Athletes organization, get a copy of our book, The Sportlight, or to bring our program to your team, school, business, or organization, visit us at especiallyforathletes.org.