Bonus - Warlock, X-Factor, and Cartoon Frogs

Transcript

Speaker: I'm Trish Tobey with W.A.R.C. reporting to you live from Westchester, New York, where there appears to be some sort of mutant menace on the loose.

Speaker: Hey, everybody, I'm Pat Reber. And I'm Matt Aucamp. And say it with us. Say it with us, Pete. It's a bonus episode. wo well Welcome to Mutant Menace. I was a little late on my queue there because it's a bonus episode. we're We're getting ourselves all mixed up and we're just we're just starting.

Speaker: We just, yeah, well look, you guys buckle in. Buckle in yes one this one. gotta keep one did his the thing. We didn't owe you this. and Well, it's it's interesting. We have to keep doing these bonus episodes. Speaking of what we owe people, we have to keep doing these bonus episodes because it's just like there's so many issues that just don't fit in to the natural order Yeah, yeah. the The thing is, they just don't matter.

Speaker: and And that's why they get relegated to bonus episode. I think like contractually, we're covering every appearance, right? if they i I think the rules that we have settled on is if they appear as a team or individually, but in a really fucking cool way.

Speaker: yeah Like, we're not going to catch every individual Wolverine appearance or every individual... ah Especially in the fucking late eighty s mid 90s. We cannot capture every fucking Wolverine appearance. It's just not possible. but we We'll be reading, like, Top Cow comics if we try to do that.

Speaker: That might be worth... Yeah, all right. Now that I say it out loud. But still... um We do have to we have to cover every X property that we can. And sometimes that means taking a handful of stories, a handful of annuals, which I think you guys know the annuals, right? Annuals. Annuals.

Speaker: One of these is an annual, but one of them isn't an annual. Correct. Thank you.

Speaker: You know what? This is like, OK. It's bumming me out because I was thinking about this right before we hit record. And I realized, you know what that means, Pat? It's like some X-Men podcasts. And this is the thing.

Speaker: There's some X-Men podcasts that do something similar to what we're doing. i don't think anyone does exactly what we're watching But something similar to what we're doing. And one of the many differences is that like, yeah, this thing, like we're going to cover everything.

Speaker: Every issue that they appear in So we covered all the fucking 1960s ones. But it also means we're going to cover some other shit that other X-Men podcasts completely ignore because it's horrible.

Speaker: Like the Evolutionary War. We're even going to touch on the bad ones. No. And we're especially going to touch on the bad ones. And Atlantis attacks. We're going to have to cover Atlantis attacks. Can you believe that?

Speaker: That sounds terrible. it's Yeah. So um what I think is good about these things, though, is it sort of rounds out the world that the X-Men are in. And I think that's one of the that's one of the cool things about a shared universe.

Speaker: And it gives us this sort of broader perspective on the guys that we're following around is Like, how does the rest of the world view them?

Speaker: Right? and not even just how does the rest of the world, the Marvel, the world of Marvel view them. How do the other Marvel writers view them? How do other Marvel readers view them? Like, what are the people that aren't reading X Factor? How do they see X Factor? And we get to see it through their eyes when we're reading Iron Man Annual number eight, which is where we're starting today.

Speaker: and I'm going to fucking roll right into it unless there's other shit you want to talk about. I will get met. The only thing I want to mention is that actually two of the three issues we're going to read today were cut for time from other episodes.

Speaker: So a true bonus episode. These are the ones that we were like, God, we've already recorded for three fucking hours. Do have another issue to get through? Look, I think we can do this in an hour. Oh, I'm starting to clock for putting on recording. Start the clock.

Speaker: Pull out your stopwatch. Don't please don't just look at the runtime. I want you to to from this point, do not look at your take an hour iPods. Don't look at your iPod.

Speaker: Or look at your Zune. Zune or your um Memorex, ah I don't know, MP3 stick. I don't know what the fuck. What did Memorex do? Was there a Sony one? Was there a man? Like a... there's There's one that... Or they just called it the Walkman again. There's one that is... There's one that we're not thinking of that people are probably screaming at their... ah At their...

Speaker: whatever that thing is called. Memorax had when is memorex ah memorex had the MP. So they had the MMP or the Touch MP. I know there's one that like the people who couldn't afford these other things, they had one of these.

Speaker: Sony's was just called the Walkman. Yeah, yeah. They just brought that back. All right. Yeah. Mutant men is pod at gmail.com. What was the other B? What was that? What was that MP3 player? We can't think of that. so That like was bad, but it was the one that if you couldn't afford an iPod or Zune, you got this other thing.

Speaker: Yeah. Anyway, we're shooting for under an hour. So start timing us. and So we got to keep on track is the point. We got to keep really focused. We're going to things moving here. Matt, why don't you start this up? What every three player did you have?

Speaker: i You know what? I honestly didn't i loved my man. I... It was the age of the iPhone that somebody finally gave me their old iPod touch. And then I had an iPod touch because they had gotten an iPhone. It was like early smartphones. And they were like, I don't need this anymore. My phone does it and gave it to me. i I worked a um desk job, like a boring data entry desk job. but So i I fucking needed it to survive. So I was always and but I was always buying them second hand, like on eBay because I couldn't afford a brand new one. and then it would break. And then I'd buy another broken one and use the parts from one to put it in the other. But iPods got harder and harder to do that with.

Speaker: Zunes never did. So I can remember Zunes for years after Zunes were done. I remember an era where you owned several non-working Zunes and then you continued to have at least one working Zune at all times well after that company went out of business. Yes. ah yeah Well, it was the best podcasting software at the time. It was way better than iTunes for podcasts because it would save your place.

Speaker: um The index was – We got the point is we have to keep on track. So we're talking about Iron Man annual number eight. Jesus Christ. When innocence dies. No, don't don't kill innocence. That's my favorite one.

Speaker: So the writer is Bob Harris. I think this is our first Bob Harris. I think so, too, Matt. Bob Harris. Huh? What do you know about Bob Harris?

Speaker: It's okay if the answer is nothing. Nothing. Okay, because me neither.

Speaker: Paul Neary is the penciler. Aiken and Garvey are the inkers. Petra Scotesi, our pal, is the colorist. Hey, Petra. Hey, Petra, yeah. Hey, Lois. Hey, hello Lois Buhalas. We've met them before. This letterer.

Speaker: mark Michael Higgins is the managing editor. Mark Grunewald is the editor. What? And the editor-in-chief. Harlan Stone? eighteen seventy two to nineteen forty six is the editorin chief harlan stone ah Release date, July Cover date, October Look,

Speaker: we see a well-dressed little cigar smoke and frog legally distinct from michigan jy frog yes He stands in a spotlight telling a child off panel that they have to play the game and, quote, teach her a lesson.

Speaker: The child relents. And the next day at school, young Willie Evans brings his teacher's desk to life in front of the whole class. It attacks the teacher, leaving her in the hospital. there's She gives him a punishment assignment.

Speaker: What is that? A punishment. So you never got like a right. 500 words on why you shouldn't talk in class. ah Oh, like Bart Simpson writing on the chalkboard.

Speaker: Yeah, that's OK. That's what it was. She gave poor little Willie Elvin's a but but punishment assignment for speaking in class. Yeah, I think I glad she got attacked by a desk.

Speaker: I'm sorry. i didn't mean it. And legally, you can't you can't. you can't you can't prove that i meant it this is a comedy podcast the everything in this podcast parody parody so if a teacher if a teacher gets attacked by a desk tomorrow you can't pin it on me the police questioned willie's father that evening this is just the latest in a bunch of weird goings on around town since the evans is moved to town Willie's father starts packing their bag as he struggles with what to do.

Speaker: They've already had to move several times since Willie's mother died in a car accident years ago with his powers and behavior running out of control. Pat, did I just say powers?

Speaker: Yes. It turns out when his desk sprang to life and attacked his teacher, is pattern of behavior that's following Evanses.

Speaker: You know, I didn't pick that up when I read this issue. I thought there was some mysterious power that was attacking all these people, and Willie Evans was just getting in trouble for no reason. And, uh... Everybody's blaming this kid Willie for it, but it's really this little frog that's running around. um Before he could think of a solution, government goons in tactical gear and helmets burst in the door and kidnap Willie!

Speaker: Willie Jr. Willie, the the boy. Months later, we see Iron Man. This is the ah silver and red Iron man he's He's kind of chunky. i think this Iron Man looks like shit.

Speaker: His head is sort of shaped like a spade, like the the card suit spade. And also, this is ah this is still when he has eyeballs. Yeah. like Oh, yeah, you can see his eyes through the his eyes through and it's unnatural. It doesn't seem right.

Speaker: Do it? It looks like a man. do You know, there's ah that wax museum horror movie. yeah I wonder.

Speaker: If there's any issues of iron Man in which somebody just pokes him in the eyes through the scene. There's gotta to be, right? i think I think there's still some sort of glass there or something that that's just hard to draw.

Speaker: hard to hard to draw on. thats That would be another funny thing. If somebody just scribbles on the eyeglasses with marker, he's like, no, I can't see. But they draw other eyes on on the the glass. um So he he this Iron Man, he arrives at Project Pegasus HQ to drop off some new invention.

Speaker: Have we seen Project Pegasus before? yeah Yes, your Dazzler was involved with Project Pegasus, right? and So we talked about Project Pegasus. Did did we see it?

Speaker: Oh, yeah, you might be right. i'm I'm almost sure we've seen Project Pegasus for something, but I don't remember what. Yeah, I mean, I know one thing about Project Pegasus is qua Quasar worked here.

Speaker: And they kidnapped Dazzler. And then they kidnapped Claw. And then Claw killed Dazzler. And then Dazzler had to go on trial. I told you that. both story So.

Speaker: Iron Man meets his friend. The Guardsman. A dorkier and less powerful Iron Man. That serves as the head of security for Project Pegasus. He has an even worse helmet. um yeah It looks like a penis.

Speaker: And also he's like. He's bright green and yellow. which is just aesthetically terrible is you're making the silver and red Iron Man color combo look tasteful. Yeah. It's like mucus or puke or something. And, and his like, his like upper body armor is like a bikini, like his actually, but his lower end upper body armor is like a bikini.

Speaker: It's like, it's like a ah halter top and then but yeah bombs it's not full body protection. No. And then, in yeah. for some reason Well, I mean, I guess that's, The light green in between is still armor.

Speaker: But like, why design it this way? you look like a You look like a green man in a green bikini with a penis head. I thought he does have a penis head. i i thought he was wearing pants under the like he still has to wear pants because he just puts on a bikini bottom ah Iron Man.

Speaker: think i think I think that's still chrome. So I think that is armor. I think he's wearing full body armor. It's just his heavy armor. It's just shaped to make the way that like he's wearing a bikini. The way that Iron Man's legs and arms and like biceps are like this form fitting other color while his torso and gloves and boots are like this thicker armor. That's what it is for guardsmen only in the shape of a but bikini. And plus, and I just can't stress this enough.

Speaker: He's got a penis helmet. Yeah. Real dickhead. Um, So as he walks the facility, he's concerned by a sedated child being transported past him. i don't know.

Speaker: He asks guardsmen about the child, who is also concerned, but he doesn't want to talk about it. No time for that now. We have to go be friends. like Yeah, that seems bad, but, you know, it's a living. Yeah.

Speaker: Meanwhile, Willie Evans Sr. bursts into X-Factor's headquarters with a gun, demanding his son back. Cameron Hodge assures him they wouldn't kidnap Willie Jr. And after coaxing the gun out of his hand, sits him down for a meeting with the team.

Speaker: Very interesting, yeah, that Cameron Hodge has the had the ability to do this.

Speaker: To talk. to like, talk him down. Yes. Yes. um What did you find interesting about this scene? It's ah kind of revealing. So Willie Evans bursts in with a gun. His son is missing. He knows his son has mutant powers and he saw armed goons break into his home, knock him unconscious and steal his son.

Speaker: And so... Automatically like there's there is no doubt in his mind to the point that he is bringing a gun into a government bill. I guess they don't know not government but but ah ah bringing a gun into a paramilitary military building to demand his son back like pretty revealing that.

Speaker: X Factor, which not just that X Factor is like considered a threat to mutants, but that they are at a level where they might be stealing children from parents like under the cover of night and with showing up at somebody's house with a bunch of guns.

Speaker: Right. Like how did the how did the X-Men, the former X-Men not see that this is their reputation and then just quit? Right. How do they not stop? Right. And also just like Cameron Hodge's secretary at the at the start of the scene is talking about how the Benai Brith have called.

Speaker: i don't know what the Benai Brith are. The B'nai B'rith are a Jewish human rights organization. They are extremely concerned with discrimination and especially the genocidal side of it, right? like they're They are working to prevent another Holocaust and have called X Factor with concerns about their propaganda and their behavior. there's their The writer here yeah is likening X Factor to a secret police force.

Speaker: Right. Like a Gestapo, like yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah. And it's, i think Chris Claremont kind of did something similar, but in his much more subtle way. This is pretty outright.

Speaker: The impression that is we it's fascinating in world, but the impression that it seems like the creative team has here is this is a bad thing.

Speaker: These are. so it I, it keeps turning that question over in my head of like, Do they know? Does does X Factor know? Do the X Factor creative team know that they're that're creating villains?

Speaker: I hate to bring us down for a second, but I do want to say the Benai Brith, we do also acknowledge that they are a very pro-Israel organization. um Yeah.

Speaker: So there is some irony there that we... regard But we are not going to touch on it. Not going to start. Yeah.

Speaker: So it turns out Willie Jr. comes from Fantastic Four number 203. Did you read it, Pat? No, I'm not following the Fantastic Four. He's the kid that creates evil doppelgangers.

Speaker: Oh. Oh.

Speaker: He can warp reality at will. Reed gave him the card for Xavier's school at the end of that issue, apparently. But Willie Sr. just wanted them to live a normal life. When he recounts his son's abduction, Hank immediately recognizes the jacket el emblem that Willie describes. It's Project Pegasus!

Speaker: Oh, yeah. Didn't Hank? Did Hank work for Project Did he work for Project Pegasus when he turned blue? Maybe that's where we saw Project Pegasus. That might be it. Okay. Okay. how Here's another question, Pat. How often are mutants fucking running amok in Fantastic Four? Like, this is... We've seen Multiple Man, Karma, and Willie Evans. Willie Evans? Those are the three we know about.

Speaker: Those can't be the only three that this has happened to, and just all of them have happened to end up in the stories we're reading, right? Yeah, they it must they must just be like...

Speaker: a target. Like if you don't know that x Xavier school exists, you're looking at high profile benevolent people, right? Cause it's always, oh right. It's never a mutant. Well, maybe it is in this case, but it's usually not a mutant that's just like, I want to take down the fantastic four. It's just that they they're scared and they yeah run towards a public figure.

Speaker: ah Or ah Madrox, who was just walking down the street causing chaos. I was like, what? I'm just walking around.

Speaker: So meanwhile, over at Project Pegasus. Tony Stark hears a child scream and freaks out on guardsmen and the scientists. He storms off when they tell him to mind his own business.

Speaker: Not very superhero-y. Hey, are you torturing kids in here? Hey, mind your own business. Fine, i now I'm leaving. I'm leaving then. Yeah. Fine. Go ahead. If you're not going to tell me, you go ahead and torture a kid for all I care. I'm going home.

Speaker: um Once he's gone, guardsman also freaks out on the scientists and flies off to get some fresh air. Again, very heroic, guys. Very heroic. the You two iron men.

Speaker: He's such the guardsman sucks because he's the one that's like, Tony, stop. Get out of here right now. Yeah. And then as soon as he leaves, he turns to the scientist, shoves him to the ground. Yeah.

Speaker: but doesn't attack. lab He's just doing it like nerd get out of my way. And then he flies out, he flies out the roof. at that moment x factor in their exterminator outfits are sneaking into project pegasus guardsman spots them and attacks wow this guy sucks he's fucking sucks the facility alarm starts sounding and all the guards run towards it which means no one is watching willie jr as his sedatives start wearing off

Speaker: The little frog appears and encourages him to play the game again. Also, i i forgot when and the thing that Tony Stark is doing. The big invention he's carting to Project Pegasus at beginning of the issue. and The thing he's doing is apparently a solar power generator.

Speaker: and So what do they do with the solar power generator? They take it to the basement. They install it under several stories underground. And then they make Tony Stark absorb solar radiation outside. Then come inside and zap the solar generator.

Speaker: Put it on the roof. ah yeah What are you doing? Why invent a solar generator that doesn't go near the sun? But this is, we see we've seen this in Marvel Comics before up till now where people just talk about solar power in this way that it's like, you guys have no idea what you're talking about. And I don't expect them to know what solar power is yeah in the 60s and 70s and 80s when these things have happened. But you at least would have to you'd you'd have to be smart enough to know it absorbs the fucking sun. Right. it was Well, I mean, a solar power generator to me

Speaker: Is the sun makes a sun makes the sun. Now, what else generates solar power that except for the sun? ah So.

Speaker: The X-Men whoop ass on guardsmen and Project Pegasus guards. And when he joins the fight, Iron Man, they kick yeah they cave their asses. They wreck them.

Speaker: There's nobody the X-Men can't beat the ass of. It's true. Yo, I thought Iron Man might at least give them some trouble. Like, yeah, the five of them can definitely take down Iron Man together, but it takes two of them and he doesn't get a shot off. Yeah. And this is this is edit one of them is the beast. Yeah.

Speaker: And it's like, this is prior to Wolverine and Storm and all of them. Like, this is the original five X-Men by themselves can kick the shit out of Iron Man. Yeah.

Speaker: And Guardsman. But I think me or you and you could kick the shit out of Guardsman. quite Yeah, I think Guardsman's not a... Hank manages to get a private moment with Tony and explains the whole experimenting on a kidnapped child deal.

Speaker: He, in turn, Tony, explains the whole deal to guardsmen, and they all decide to turn on the scientists. That's the same. They'll say Holy Hannah a lot.

Speaker: You're i yeah you don't I know. OK, you don't have to comment on it. We don't want to get all political here, but they do say Holy Hannah a lot. This is an Iron Man comic. They're going to say some dumb shit.

Speaker: ah No time for that now, though, Pat, because a giant crab with a scorpion tail collapses the entire facility, carrying Willie Jr. in one of its claws. no. What could that be? The exterminators rush in to rescue the boy. Again, I thought he was just a poor little boy who was being carried around by a frog and a crab.

Speaker: you' Just a victim of circumstance here. The exterminators run in to rescue the boy, but the little frog tells Willie Jr. they're trying to hurt him. Suddenly, the exterminators are attacked by giant stone versions of themselves. Coincidence.

Speaker: Powers and all. Just like the FF described. This super crab can just do that, maybe. Or... Anything that happens from here on out, it's probably the super crab doing it. It's ah it's a super crab.

Speaker: Or it might just be like well Loki's attacking at the same time. I'm right. It could be something totally different. He loves super crabs.

Speaker: The X-Men and Iron Man and Guardsmen all get fucking wrecked by the crab and Willy and the frog run off. So they can beat someone that ah that the X-Men can't beat. A little child and a cartoon frog. Yeah.

Speaker: At Avengers Mansion, Tony and Reed Richards talk to Nick Fury. Nobody wants to kill a kid. But Nick and Tony both know he's a grave threat, so they have to.

Speaker: Come on, man. You're being such a buzzkill. Let us kill a little kid. Reed notes that his son is also a mutant who, if not for his circumstances, would also be considered a grave threat.

Speaker: God, Reed, every time we're trying to kill a kid, you have to pull the my son's a mutant card. Just because we're not fathers.

Speaker: Iron Man actually thanks him here. He's like, thanks. I yeah will. Well, and like this changes Iron Man's mind. And it's like, yeah, you're supposed to be one the smartest dudes in the world. You couldn't think what if another guy had a kid? like with Reed's argument is pretty good. Like it's well written. Yeah.

Speaker: Him just being like, if if not for my circumstances, like.

Speaker: I might be Willie Evans senior. You like killing kids. You want to kill my kid. You want to kill my kid, Tony? ah Tony then flies ah off to meet up with the exterminators who tell him more directly.

Speaker: We're not going to kill a child. In Pottersville, a little village in upstate New York. It's funny because it's an Iron Man comic and they have him be the one who's like, I'm going to kill some kids. Yeah. And everyone has to talk him out of it.

Speaker: In Pottersville, a little village in upstate New York, Willie Jr.'s... Wait, what? Is Pottersville the place from It's a Wonderful Life? Oh...

Speaker: I think you are right.

Speaker: Why are you staring at me like that? Like I'm Googling it. ah Because I thought you were Googling it. I'm Googling it.

Speaker: Well, there's another movie called it's called Pottersville that apparently sucks real big ass. Yes, it is the movie that it is the. Yes. the The town from It's a Wonderful Life, but it's also a movie from 2017 starring Michael Shannon and Ron Perlman and Judy Greer and Thomas Lennon and Christina Hendricks.

Speaker: That is a 14% on Rotten Oh. Ian McShane is in it. What? that's I will. Okay. it's a great cast, but it is definitely a cast of people who will be in anything.

Speaker: Yeah, that's true. And a full cast of great actors that will do any role you ask them to do. And they don't really seem like a cast who would gel very well. i mean, Judy Greer can, now mention and ian mcshane could talk for hours I think Judy Greer can blend in with any cast, but beyond that, like fuck.

Speaker: Where were we? We were talking about, look, we gotta keep this under an hour. um huntville We're in Pottersville. We're in Pottersville. Willie Jr. is very hungry misses his parents. The little frog mocks him for his weakness and convinces him to steal some food, which goes awry, and suddenly the whole town explodes.

Speaker: Yeah, it's a whole thing. Yeah. The cops catch him. Iron Man, the exterminators, the military, and S.H.I.E.L.D. all converge on the spot and start fighting monsters made of the town's debris.

Speaker: Poor little Willie Evans just showed up and this started happening around it. Like he just keeps stumbling into these situations. I know he's he seeks out Pottersville from his favorite movie. and so And somehow some like what I guess aliens or something are attacking.

Speaker: is like Yeah, probably. There's some sort of energy. I mean, when it could be the Christmas spirit. that that once that's pissed saved the day in it's a wonderful life uh yeah it's it's had enough they're hunting kids now but when this proves when fighting the monster is made of the town's debris proves tedious the little frog convinces willie to put an end to it a force field forms and starts rapidly expanding crushing everything in its wake

Speaker: Luckily, everyone in the town is dead, so there's no there' this doesn't kill any additional people. Look, man, this you're making a supposition here. A force field erupts around Willie Evans Jr.

Speaker: Just like eye beams erupt from Willie Evans Jr.'s eyes, but they're not necessarily his I beams. You can't prove those are my I beams. Right. It's just a like he's the power is flowing through him. If that or no, if there's some beams floating in the sky and you happen to stumble first into them, it's going to look like you have I bees. Right. Yeah.

Speaker: So whatever's causing this force field. probably also shooting out some beams into willy's eyes

Speaker: reflecting them off willy's eyes into the superheroes <unk> yeah yeah they blow up the force field but it knocks all the exterminators unconscious and then and then of course they all wake up at the exact same time Yeah, they always do. everybody That's how unconscious shared unconsciousness works. ah um ah Willie starts crushing Iron Man's armor around him, but Willie Sr. Well, still making suppositions here, but Willie Sr. runs out of a S.H.I.E.L.D. helicopter into the action, begging his son to stop.

Speaker: The little frog zaps Willie Sr. Willie Jr. asks him why, and he explains that his parents are always getting in the way, which is also why he killed his mother. What?

Speaker: What's worse, the frog is actually Willie Jr.'s own manifestation of all of his anger. Oh, no. So the frog says. So the frog says, yeah, this is we know we already know this is an evil frog. We can't trust anything he says.

Speaker: The frog and the boy fight each other as the frog grows into a giant demon lizard skeleton. It kind of looks like um the character of death from ah Adventure Time.

Speaker: Hmm. I'll give you that. Yeah. Yeah. It seems it seems like they just wanted a little bit of everything. Yeah. He's huge. He's a demon. He's a lizard. He's a skeleton. He's no longer a frog. Yeah. There's the only frog like thing is that he's got a long tongue sticking out.

Speaker: It could be the lizard or the demon. Oh, true. Or the skeleton. Willie Jr. finds... Yeah, there's no saying that all parts of the skeleton had to decompose. There could be a tongue hanging out. Right?

Speaker: Willie Jr. finds the power to defeat him, to defeat the giant demon lizard skeleton when he threatens to kill Willie Sr. again. But Willie Jr. dies in the encounter and everyone goes to the funeral.

Speaker: The end. It's been so see, they didn't have to kill a little kid. He injured himself badly enough in battle to kill himself. Yeah. Even and even though he didn't have any superpowers or anything, he was just, you know, what it looks like he's zapping people. But all these what he's doing is he's picking up stray electricity and throwing it, which we can all do.

Speaker: It's just we don't do it because it we'll die. Well, the point is moot now because everyone who survived believes Willie did it. Man, unfair.

Speaker: This world is so unfair sometimes. um It ends with ah how did the how did these last few panels strike you? It ends with the frog still alive.

Speaker: yeah and he's sitting on the grave and he's crying and he's like we'll get him back kiddo we'll make him pay just you and so you wait and see so this actually supports your theory matt oh yeah because if this frog was just a manifestation of willie's power how is he still wandering around after willie died i Or we we cracked it, folks. We but we cracked it wide open.

Speaker: They thought we were crazy. Willie doesn't find peace in death. He's actually a ghost and he's just manifesting as that little frog. Damn it. Damn it.

Speaker: Fine. Maybe Willie did it. Maybe i'm I've changed my mind. I think would um soop we didn't confuse anyone. Yeah, okay, got, yeah, all right, let's be, let's be clear, this all was Willie's, Willie Evans. I was just fucking around, it was very clearly and obviously Willie Evans. um So, do you think Willie Evans ever comes back, Pat?

Speaker: No, he's dead, he's dead. Yeah, but the frog says we'll get him back one day.

Speaker: Right, but I think that's just sort of a, i do I think that was just some, like, sort of poetic, poetic license. All right, ready? Yeah. You're right. You're right. He never comes back. consider Those were his only two appearances. Fantastic four in this. You had me going. All right, Pat.

Speaker: We only have 15 minutes left. Well, actually, we cut out a bunch. So we only have 20 to 25 minutes left. 20 to 25 minutes. Let's get right down to it then, Matt. No more screwing around.

Speaker: What's that? We should get into – I mean it's an idiom. It's it's like – ah turn of phrase. What does it mean though? p put an enoughff in a Oh, okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah. i need to put stuff in language. I understand.

Speaker: No more of that. We're keeping this quick. We're keeping this moving. We are, yeah what's the word I'm looking for when you're like oh yeah let's think about when you're yeah charging forward we're like we're like barreling ahead we're like running barreling what you were looking for barreling well what are some other words we could have looked for what are some other words you could have meant because I wasn't thinking barreling was going to be it we're um wrangling no not no no no like but like uh we're like we're like

Speaker: what What is it? What is like a buffalo? do It charges. Damn it. Charging. We'll think about it and we'll come back to it. But we got to what the point is, we have to keep fucking going because we were running out of time.

Speaker: We got to keep on ramming here. we got to keep ramming. Let's ram these comics. Let's go. Amazing Spider-Man number 282, the fury of X Factor.

Speaker: Well, oh, no. once again, does falco just a little look into how X Factor is seen elsewhere. see yeah Every writer in fucking in Marvel clearly hates the idea of X Factor because that's how everyone else writes or loves it.

Speaker: Or is it now we realize we're unintentionally already getting off the subject, but is it just that they're like, they've been told factor is a bad idea. X factor.

Speaker: Nobody should see X factor is a good thing. Okay. Like that is the editorial. It's going to be, ah revealed to have been a scam of some sort. Right.

Speaker: Huh? Okay. What happens? Well, Tom DeFalco writes it. Rick Leonardi pencils it. Is this our first Rick Leonardi? No, it's our second, I think.

Speaker: Okay. Bob Layton, anchor Joe Rosen, letterer Nell Yamthav, colorist. I believe this is our first Nell Yamthav. so Jim Owsley, editor of the Ow.

Speaker: and it's also editor-in-chief is that it's also christopher priest jim's at owsley's christopher priest oh right i always forget that release date july 29th 1986 cover date november 1986 everyone is dealing with the fallout of flash thompson being accused of being the hobgoblin and escaping from prison when did this happen pat I don't know. I'm not following X ah amazing Spider-Man.

Speaker: Mary Jane Watson cuts a date short and rushes to Peter Parker's apartment to see if he's okay. Her date says, I thought we were going to dot dot dot. And she's like, maybe next time, tiger. But like, bro, if you have to say, thought we were going to have sex. I thought we were going to bone. You're never getting sex. You'd have to say it wasn't happening. Yeah. If you have to say, if you have to say that to somebody, that person will never have sex with you. I thought we were going to have sex together with each other.

Speaker: So she rushes to Peter Parker's apartment. She finds him in costume and passed out on his bathroom floor. Apparently he got all fucked up after fighting the rhino. But despite this, he still wants to go out looking for flesh.

Speaker: MJ pissed, but Peter manages to sneak out of his skylight on him. This is... This cracked me up. you He... she lectures him on like this. You are not well enough to go out and look for him. You're going to get yourself hurt. Like you're, you're concussed. You just woke up. i And he's like, no, no, no. I just, I need to go to the bathroom. And she's, ah she's like, oh, of course here, let me let me just escort you into the bathroom and, and carries him. And then he just slips out the skylight. He came in from, this is where she found It's just like panels later, she's knocking on the door. Pete, you

Speaker: Damn it. ah

Speaker: While watching a news story on Flash, J. Jonah Jameson hears the infamous mutant menace X Factor ad on TV. Okay. Good to the X Factor training room.

Speaker: Cut to the X Factor training room where the gang is up to their old danger room hijinks. Marvel Girl and Cyclops wipe the floor with their teammates in a three on two sparring sesh before a video call comes in from Cameron Hodge. Oh, futuristic technology.

Speaker: Apparently, yes you know, I didn't even bat an eye when I saw this, but you're right. that The video call would have been a big deal. Yeah, kids reading this would have been like, oh cool. And for us, it's just like, oh, he's a zooming in.

Speaker: That must be annoying have him just have a constant way to zoom into your gym. Just be able to pop in on your practice. Apparently, Jameson wants to hire X-Factor to capture Spider-Man.

Speaker: Capture Spider-Man. Hank's like, hanks like well tell him to try calling c factor we don't special we specialize in mutants not costumed corn balls good one hank good one good one c factor great does the c stand for costume or corn balls yeah i don't he should have said cc factor that's why it's such a bad joke there you go or just not gotten alliterative about it well has to be so poetic i hate this guy

Speaker: No, I think this is also around the time where I was like, oh, Tom DeFalco kind of sucks. hu Yeah, his writing is it's it's just so like early X-Men. It's a it's silver age writing.

Speaker: Almost all of it is informative, right? It's like almost none of it is expressive. Almost all of it is. Yeah. Expositional. Expositional. Right. Yeah. Imagine trying to read this when you had read the previous issue. 90% of this issue is just recapping what just happened in the previous one.

Speaker: Or just explaining your power set. like Yeah, which that happens. This is a Spider-Man and X-Factor is guesting in. But just for Cyclops to be to be like, you see, a Iceman, when you shot those blocks of ice at me, I was able to destroy them with my optic blasts. Yeah, this is fucking 1980. What what it was it? 1986. Yeah.

Speaker: yeah Grow up, Tom DeFalco. And he's about to become goddamn editor-in-chief. I know. Well, at least it takes him out of the writer's chair. And like, yeah, i it's, it's, it's, bad it's bad writing. I know everything that's been happening in Spider-Man for the past year and I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Speaker: And we should say like, or we you may not know this map, but I know Tom DeFalco writes some really good Spider-Man arcs. They're just like,

Speaker: And that's Spider-Man comics in general are this the story that you're getting over the history of time is going to be a really good one. But issue to issue, it's going to be pretty stinky. so maybe it's like cause Maybe it's like reading ah Beowulf or something.

Speaker: Yes. Not fun read. In old English. Yeah, exactly. Not fun to read. Not fun to read necessarily. But like, ah hey, it's a good story. kind of kind of Some of it is kind of lame. Not lame, just like boring. i don't Okay, let's go.

Speaker: We talk about Beowulf on this podcast like alarmingly often. Should we keep talking about Beowulf? We have to stay on track. We only have like 15 minutes left.

Speaker: Remember when they made a movie? They made an animated Beowulf movie. And Neil Gaiman wrote it and everyone hated it. Everyone was like, this sucks.

Speaker: And I've never seen it, but I also wonder like oh how faithful was it? Maybe it was just faithful and people were like, too faithful I don't like i don't like this.

Speaker: Okay, so soon Factor is in the offices of the Daily Bugle. They tell Jameson they'll need a $50,000 retainer for the job. And it may eventually run into the hundreds of thousands. What's that? Jameson 2026 money. you know You're not getting past this. You tried to bail right past it. You knew I was going to ask you it's It's north of $150,000. Okay.

Speaker: okay Would you pay that to capture Spider-Man? Me? Maybe to get him to my birthday party.

Speaker: Oh, good idea. I'll start saving. Could you imagine Spider-Man at your birthday party? For your 50th birthday party, I'll get you so the real Spider-Man. Which is like 25 years away. okay i Jameson reluctantly pays from his own pocket, baffling his editor Robbie Robertson. But when X Factor leave...

Speaker: He tells Robertson that this is a win win. If they succeed, the city will be safe from Spider-Man. If they fail, he can expose a bunch of anti mutant bounty hunter bigots as frauds.

Speaker: Either way, the bugle gets a great story and the city is rid of a menace. I i had forgotten this about Jameson, that he is actually um very anti anti mutant bigotry.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. it's what He is what is weird. When it comes to not Spider-Man or the immediate circumstances of the issue you're reading, he's a stand-up guy. He's got progressive politics except for, and I guess, well, I guess a person with progressive politics would still hate Spider-Man.

Speaker: Yeah, you can in real life against vigilante vigilante ism. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think me and you, if there was a real life Spider-Man, we would probably be like and somebody fucking speed stop drug dealers. Exactly. We'd be like, who the fuck is this guy? Yeah. Leave that shit to Alan Moore.

Speaker: Alamor's right. To be clear, it's just. Yeah, it's just i don't i don't want to think about all that. i'm I'm almost 50. It

Speaker: it is very funny that both X Factor and Jameson leave that meeting being like, yeah, I just pulled one over on those guys. got him Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: ah There's also like a weird conversation between ah Betty Brant and Robbie Robertson. Was there a love thing story between them? No, no, no, no, no. no So...

Speaker: Robbie Robertson there's what they're saying here. i I see where you can get that from the conversation between them, but Betty is actually just asking Robbie for advice because she is in the middle of this big.

Speaker: So i don't know. I'm not following Spider-Man, but Betty married Ned Leeds, who is ho who is not the Hobgoblin. He was hypnotized by the Hobgoblin into doing crimes and was doing crimes. Everyone's the frigging Hobgoblin, huh? Yeah, every there's a bunch of people that are Hobgoblin, but he wasn't actually the Hobgoblin. He was just convinced or hypnotized by the Hobgoblin to tell people he was the Hobgoblin.

Speaker: ah but the hobgoblin is also not flash thompson sorry for the spoiler but they're gonna go is what's going to happen here ned and betty are having some marital troubles fucking she eventually has an affair with flash thompson almost has one with peter too betty then ned leads eventually gets murdered By the Hobgoblin. the foreigner?

Speaker: No. By the foreigner because he, yeah but i under under hypnotic suggestion, admits that he was the Hobgoblin. But I only just meant the foreigner. And the foreigners. Spider-Man knows him well. Sabretooth's best buddy. And I don't care about any of this stuff.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, sorry. No, I appreciate it. We got to stay on track. Spider-Man is swinging around the city dizzy when X-Factor spot him. he is He's like, Mary Jane might have been right.

Speaker: X-Factor spots him. He doesn't recognize the beast's new human form, so he tries to run. Angel intercepts him and he attacks. Of course he does. is yeah Every time Spider-Man runs into this specific grouping of the X-Men, he starts fighting. No matter how many times he meets them. And every time he's like...

Speaker: What? I thought these guys were my friends. Oh, well, I guess i i guess they've gone evil, all of us. What? When did you get the impression that these were your friends? And how have you... And you've done this so many times. Why don't you give these guys the benefit of the fucking doubt? Like, I get you don't know who the Beast is.

Speaker: But no, he met the Beast when the Beast was not blue and furry. That's true. er Also, two... Not not to remove blame from x factor, right? They at this point should know that they need to approach him pretty cautiously when they find him, because every time he sees them, it drives him into this mad rage.

Speaker: Maybe we shouldn't jump on him while he's swinging to get attention.

Speaker: Well, also, the other insane thing is, which we'll find out at the beginning of yeah the Mutant Massacre, X-Factor still thinks people don't know they're the X-Men. They still, are like, at one point in the beginning of Massacre, Blob goes, oh, I know these guys. They're the X-Men. And Iceman's like, Blob knows our secret. We've got to get him. And it's not when they're in their X-Factor outfits. It's when they're in their Exterminator outfits. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: So they have big Xs across their chests and their X-Men. like their old X-Men outfits basically. and they're like, he knows who we are. We've got a cycle. We'll talk about it in a, yeah. for you guys in a couple of days or Patreon subscribers in week in a couple of days. But Cyclops is like, and do what Bobby kill him.

Speaker: It's very funny.

Speaker: ah So as the rest of X-Factor show up in their ex-Terminators garb, Spider-Man gets even more confused. ah These guys keep fighting X-Factor. Why are they attacking him? But despite this, despite them trying to talk to him and despite his dizzying headache, he keeps fighting.

Speaker: When he starts asking them why they're doing this, though, they, for some reason, stop trying to talk to him. Yeah, they're trying to talk to him until he tries talking to them, and then they just oh shut up. There's no more dialogue from the X-Men for X-Factor for, like, until the fight is over. Like, what? Why did he stop? He's... Ugh!

Speaker: Eventually, when he knocks Marvel Girl off a building and has to save her with his webs, he passes out. Gwen Stacy style. How many fucking times does Spider-Man do this? Have you not learned this lesson? You're doing it again? And I feel like in this podcast, which is not about Spider-Man, we've seen Spider-Man do this twice.

Speaker: Yeah, that's true. So, like, does he? How often does he do this? It's funny that i he's like, he passes out from the strain of trying to grab her with his web. And then she just floats back up to the roof and is like, I don't have the heart to tell him that i yeah I can fly. They're like, he passed out. and She's like, good. i don't want, I didn't want him to know that. I don't want him to find out.

Speaker: Women always having to hide their abilities to, for the, to, for the sake of the egos of men. Am I right? should, so should Should they turn him over to Jameson?

Speaker: After what just happened, says Cyclops, we only have one choice. X-Factor returned Jameson's retainer. They tell him that after extensive research, they've concluded that Spider-Man is not a mutant.

Speaker: He's better off calling the cops. Spidey wakes up in the X-Factor van. Iceman tells him that the exterminators heard through the grapevine that X-Factor was looking for him.

Speaker: The flimsiest. Like, oh, Spider-Man's dumb. He'll believe this. Also, this is the second time this issue that he wakes up and somebody's like, oh, thank God you've been passed out for hours.

Speaker: this man to the hospital don't don't just stuff him in the back of your van this is hours this guy's suffering from like an extreme concussion at this point right if he's unconscious for more than like 30 seconds you should be pretty worried

Speaker: they tell him if he ever needs a place to stay they have a place he can be safe Spider-Man turns them down and heads off to keep looking for Flash Thompson. The end. Damn it! Man, how many times have the X-Men tried to recruit Spider-Man? And he's always just like, no, no, I'm not a mutant. I don't want to join you. And a couple months go by and they're like, hey, if you want, we gotta space. He's like, no, stop.

Speaker: They also they want to make him like it's it's but because X Factor doesn't know that Spider-Man has been the best selling comic for the last 20 years.

Speaker: They are like, oh, do you want to come back to our our office and be one of our lackeys? One of the little kids that runs around and we let them we let them pretend to be superheroes sometimes.

Speaker: You can hang out with Artie and Rusty. but so Yeah, this is Spider-Man.

Speaker: ah All right, Pat. Let's wrap this puppy up with. Oh, wait, one more thing. There's a rare um angel flying with his wings down pose.

Speaker: That Rick Leonardi pulls off. He's flying, but both of his wings are in a downward flapping motion. So they're like, they're like below him. You never see that with Angel.

Speaker: Yeah, that's thiss cool. Little. Yeah. Nice detail. Nice job. Way to go. Wrinkly and arty. Wrinkly and arty. Wrinkly.

Speaker: Wrinkly and arty. Our new favorite penciler. Wrinkly and arty. It's what I would put on my dating profile I was old. That's what I call my dude. Never mind. Forget it. Look, I'm not going to finish.

Speaker: We got to keep moving. We got to keep moving. We can't talk about our testicles. No time to finish that joke, Matt. Web of Spider-Man annual number two. Wake me up. I got to be dreaming.

Speaker: This is so good. This is not. Let's let's let people know right up top. This is not X Factor. We're done with X Factor for today. yeah Get him out of here. Get him. Go, go. um We're going to hang out with our but our our much more beloved best friend. Warlock. And no senti is the writer. Art Adams is the artist.

Speaker: L Lois Buhalis is the letterer. ellos Lois Buhalis, the the superstar of this episode. Yeah, these letters are clean. um George Roussos, colors. Jim Owsley, the editor. And um Charles Evan Hughes, 1862 to 1948, the chief.

Speaker: I am so thrilled that we get the Annocenti Art Adams team up again. Now that I've fully ah joined team Art Adams. This is.

Speaker: you if you remember how funny we thought the long shot miniseries was, this carries that same spirit. Yeah. The vibe is back. This is so fucking funny.

Speaker: She just writes like she writes a good, weird naive, dumb guy. Yeah, yeah. It's very good. So in the middle of the night, Warlock is sitting alone watching like 10 TVs at once. He's watching Godzilla and Frankenstein and Letterman and and a bunch of other shit when the new mutants burst in.

Speaker: All at once. yes They tell him he watches too much TV and he isn't learning anything about the real world. no sent. He fucking hates TV is something we're learning. She hates yeah yeah so much. This is were like we're still in the first or I think this is page two.

Speaker: that Yeah. There's just ah that everyone's looking into the camera saying television rots your brain. Yeah. ah In turn, he's jealous that they get to dream and he doesn't.

Speaker: Which if you were, if everyone was dreaming and you didn't know, you only knew the basics of what dreaming was. Yeah. You've only, you'd only heard about dreaming through other people telling you what dreaming was.

Speaker: Staying up all night watching TV would feel like the same fucking thing, right? Yeah. um Yeah, that's a good point. they They all go back to bed and Warlock decides to take off to New York City to become a real being instead of a TV being before the new mutants all hate him and leave him behind.

Speaker: He wants to be inconspicuous, so he disguises himself as Speed Racer, Car, and all. Meanwhile, Black Suit Spider-Man is zipping... Oh, but by the way, we should say last issue was also Black Suit Spider-Man.

Speaker: Yes, yeah, but... Yeah, his butt was in it, too. like they And friggin' Rick Leonardi made his butt so jiggly in some of those swinging scenes. i gotta say, like there was some real butt action going on. So, we can move on now. um What were you gonna say? i If...

Speaker: I have my facts straight and i very well could not. I believe this is not symbiote suit Spider-Man. This is his black suit that he adopted after getting rid of the symbiote because he likes the look.

Speaker: Correct.

Speaker: You don't know that. I do because you told me in the last episode of this podcast, which for Patreon listeners will debut in like two days. And for ah the rest of you,

Speaker: debuted last week.

Speaker: Blacks are spider-ins sipping around Manhattan when he sees a bunch of animals running around the street. He tracks them to a laboratory where a group called the Animal Liberation Front is freeing a bunch of test animals.

Speaker: So fucking hard to tell how no centi feels about this. Because she she just fills their mouths with the dumbest, most straw man arguments for animal rights. Yeah, they they are yeah. They're just like, they're hippies, right? They're like setting lab animals free, and they're just like, we hate science, and animals have souls. They're sacred. They're sacred in the eyes of the Lord. And it's like, okay, you could also just, you could also give any of the...

Speaker: Books and books and books worth of good arguments for animal rights. But Ando Centi couldn't be fucking fucking bothered to learn those arguments. Right. And she has Spider-Man turn around and go like, oh, so you've never taken medicine? Have you ever been sick? You owe your life to science. And Ando Centi snaps at the page she just wrote.

Speaker: Yes. Um, this is, he also, as he's setting up, he's like, boy, I got to get to work, but, most important that I set up my camera for. Let's see who is these. The exact words are I should save them. But first, I've got to put on my news photographer's hat.

Speaker: What a sleazy business I'm in. Too bad only tragedy sells newspapers. this is She fucking hates the news. She made clear of this. but This was made clear in long shot. Also, she hates the news.

Speaker: It's the news. She hates all media. hates utility companies. this is It's very, she's getting ah just John Byrne style political again. Yeah. The dumbest politics you've read in your entire life. And Ando Senti believes in every single one of them. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: ah um The activists run away and Spider-Man is left wondering whether they are criminal they whether they were the criminals for freeing the animals or the scientists were the criminals for torturing these animals. He's like, I couldn't say it to them, but they did have a point.

Speaker: Looks like these scientists were like being really mean to the animals. yeah yeah Yeah, man. But that's also not... You're also missing the point in another more important way. Either way, he got some good photos for the Daily Bugle. There it is again. There's also, there is this, it's just incredibly cute. And it it's extremely funny where Spider-Man's like, should I chase down these activists as they're running away? Or should I stay behind to help all these activists?

Speaker: oh, hey, guys. And he's just surrounded by these little critters around his feet. There's a monkey giving him a hug. He's just hi, guys.

Speaker: ah um Meanwhile, Warlock is walking around Manhattan getting mobbed by people because he's disguised himself as David Letterman.

Speaker: Realizing he's too conspicuous, he changes into one of the people right in front of him saunters away.

Speaker: He's like, oh, i I see. Everyone recognizes this guy from TV. I'll just be that guy. Let's see. I don't recognize this man from television.

Speaker: soon he encounters spider-man who's still collecting escaped animals warlock knows that spider-man is a friend of the new mutants so he extends his neck in mid in public extends his neck all the way up to say hello story it's he's still disguised as this like frumpy man but now he's got a a 30 foot neck and Then he realizes that he's compromised his identity by doing this. So he runs away.

Speaker: He runs away and he's like, Spider-Man, forget this happened.

Speaker: He soon finds a toy store and lets his whole freak flag fly. Also, unclear why. Unclear why he stopped disguising himself at this point. but Yeah, yeah. But he's back. And I love Art Adams' depiction of him.

Speaker: ah It's just. It's beautiful. It's so much more Yeah. cartoony and Yeah. expressive and uh yeah some scientists see him and are like this guy's nuts let's research him they see he's living circuitry and realize that by examining him they could win the nobel prize see they're not wrong she also seems to ah hold some vitriol for these scientists and

Speaker: About yeah how like, oh, they're these some these scientists. They only do to scientists science to win prizes. Yeah, they only do science for the fame and glory. Again, it's like it's yeah, it's it's John Byrne level. I'm just grumpy about everything, but with a lot more like of a sense of humor. So it's a more palatable, but it's still like, and yeah, what are you talking about?

Speaker: it's not just it's not just puck walking around a mall going what a waste of space i hate oh hey there's a bad guy i hate that purse i hate those shoes i hate this floor um so they tell him tell warlock the scientists tell warlock they have tons of food at home and lure him back to their lab they give him some fast food he fights a vacuum cleaner he hits on the lady scientist and they examine a piece of him under a microscope that's what happens

Speaker: um he says is the he tries to talk to the vacuum cleaner and i guess turns it on and then goes ah unfriendly entity attempting to consume self's foot digits ah

Speaker: He also says self sensory systems determine you are a very pretty part of real life. He's raising little digital eyebrow. ah ah Oh, man, this guy's Mr. Steal Your Girl over here. This other scientist, the husband scientist is like not as concerned as he should be.

Speaker: She seems interested, to be honest. Yeah, yeah. And he can transform himself into any person. person Realizing he's living circuitry again. and then by examining them they could win the Nobel Prize again. It's again, innocent he's writing. yeah They really fixed on this Nobel Prize thing.

Speaker: And which again, if you discovered living circuitry, you would probably win. But this is the innocent disjointed writing. I'm saying where they make the same realizations they made in the toy store a second time as if they're doing it for the first time. and it's just like, oh, she forgot she wrote that dialogue already.

Speaker: Well, it's an annual. It's pretty long. You know, they hook him up to some electric thing that they use to electrocute cats.

Speaker: He quickly overloads and seems to go nuts. Soon, Spider-Man is zipping around Manhattan again when he stumbles into a giant yellow Godzilla terrorizing the neighborhood.

Speaker: maybe So, all right, back to a giant yellow Godzilla terrorizing the neighborhood. It's a, Pat is a techno-organic Godzilla. Or, as he calls himself,

Speaker: warlockzilla oh sure yeah yeah there had to be a better way to smash those two words together warlockzilla hang on even just warlockzilla is better godzill godzilla godzilla godzilla yeah yeah okay but it's warlockzilla and he's holding a lady scientist while the man scientist chases him ah The lady says that maybe they should give the piece of him they examined back.

Speaker: and The man is like, no way. That's my Nobel Prize. But Spider-Man. um Yeah, he's like, don't worry. He's trying very hard not to step on anyone. I can tell. As he runs alongside.

Speaker: But as yeah but with the guys is the thing about like when says the thing about the the piece of him, Spider-Man's like, I heard that. yeah like He confronts the man scientist and finds out that the creature's warlock, the scientists have been experimenting on him Spider-Man gives him a nasty lecture and asks about the missing piece the lady scientist mentioned. He demands that the guy go get the piece while he tries to control War-Lodzilla.

Speaker: But not before setting up his camera. Of course. um Also, the doctor switched roles here, right? Like originally it was the lady who was like, oh, we could get the Nobel Prize. And the man's like, I don't know. Now the man's like, we could get that Nobel Prize. And the woman's like, I don't know. Yeah. Well, now he sees it as his Nobel Prize.

Speaker: You're right. Okay, yeah, I was considering it just another nocentism, but no, this one this one makes sense. This one tracks. Yeah, yeah. Men stealing ah the accomplishments from women.

Speaker: Warlaudzilla

Speaker: turns into King Kong and tells Spider-Man that he has too much energy and he's going to explode. he needs to get away from everyone so no one is hurt. He also lets the lady scientist go.

Speaker: I'm going to explode now. yeah ah And then Spider-Man's trying to talk him out of it. And he says, ah wait let me get the. Yeah, he's got so many good lines. He's like, self is trying hard not to explode yet. Your blather is not helping. Yes, that's exactly it.

Speaker: Oh, that's the part but you were trying to remember. Yeah. The mad scientist arrives with the missing piece, realizing he's made a mistake by trying to exploit Warlock.

Speaker: Spider-Man himself feels guilty for exploiting Warlock by taking pictures of all this. That's not exploitation. You're also trying to save everybody. What are you talking about? young You, Spider-Man, are doing the most work here. You don't have to feel too guilty.

Speaker: Anyway, it's all too late. Warlock turns into a rocket and flies up in the air and explodes. They all mourn him and ponder their mistakes. Spider-Man's in his thought bubble says, i killed Warlock.

Speaker: How? That's not, this isn't on you, man. By taking pictures of him? but ah yeah by prioritizing taking pictures over saving him i think is the but what were you gonna do he's he's going to explode and that's also just like not true that's not the what happened not what happened he was trying to save warlock the whole time ah anyway they all mourn him and they ponder their mistakes until a load of goop falls from the sky

Speaker: The goop, it turns out. Oh, it's just goop.

Speaker: And then they go, it's circuitry. It's Warlock! Whoa. Everything is okay. There's no consequences to any of this story. but Warlock vows to never watch TV again. Let's see if he keeps that promise. There's a consequence. And heads back to the mansion where he tells the new mutants all about his crazy day, then lays in bed trying to dream.

Speaker: The end. And for some reason, Spider-Man's fucking watching through the window. Get out of here! Go! here this is You followed him all the way to Westchester? And he's watching all the other new mutants tuck Warlock into bed. Like, you're just watching a bunch of little kids go to bed. Get out of here! Oh, man. real Real weird issue. Really... really

Speaker: Incredibly funny Intentionally funny Yeah yeah And unintentionally funny Yeah Just Which is what we love Ann Nocenti for Right like She is Great at comedy And she's really bad At coherent storytelling And the two things merge In such an entertaining way Yeah yeah yeah It's i I really think it's uh Her kind of understanding her strengths and weaknesses. oh yeah. Okay. Rolling with them and playing into it, which is why she's able to write comedy so effectively is because she's like, I know I'm being a little nuts here. So what would be either the funniest way to ramp this up or the funniest like.

Speaker: casual reaction to how crazy I'm being. And it just works so well. I was laughing out loud reading this comic. It's good. It's good. Also, the doctors call each other Dr. Honey.

Speaker: Dr. Honey. because Because they're both married. so they call each other Dr. Honey and Dr. Honey. ah you You know, it started with one of them calling the other honey and the other going, Dr. Honey.

Speaker: it's doc doctor honey ah Well, yeah, that's what because scientists are all like egotistical weirdos who are chasing ah Nobel Prizes.

Speaker: fucking this this issue is about how tv sucks and the media sucks and reporters suck and scientists suck and animals suck it's like it's but also everything that opposes any of those sucks except for tv tv i did the consistent moral to this story is kids shouldn't watch television and and adult no one should watch television it's evil yeah yeah it is And we're not going to we're not going to touch on it because we're not ah following Spider-Man. But this does wrap up with a Spidey short written by Ann Nocenti and drawn by fucking Mike Mignola. Yeah. it all about Spider-Man ignoring his responsibilities. Ann Nocenti really seems to have a chip on her shoulder about Spider-Man being like.

Speaker: considered this pure being innocent he has a bag all of chips on her shoulder sure but i imagine this one is it must be about like it was again this is all headcanon but imagine there's some writers that are upset about not being allowed to let spider-man lose right in right situations so uh What she's doing here is writing about how Spider-Man is actually a fucking irresponsible dolt. And a lot of the bad things in his life are his fault, but that he refuses to engage with it. And at the end is him being like, yeah, I learned absolutely no lesson from all this. He says that he it's, it all comes to him in the form of a dream. So at the very last panel is him being like, Oh, I can't remember any of my dreams, but boy, do I feel rested? Yeah.

Speaker: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Look, yeah Pat, as I said, as I predicted, we came in under an hour. Exactly under one hour.

Speaker: How did we do that? How did we do it? How do we ever? How do we do it? We're miraculous. We're a miraculous podcast where miracles happen. You

Speaker: know what, Pat? Because... You were so good. Wait, wait. Everybody at home, stop your stopwatch. This is where the hour ends if you retire. And that's why we don't go on general runtime.

Speaker: Still got some stuff to talk about. Yes. So I think Matt's about to reward me for being such a good boy. You were such a good boy today. You were a good boy. And look, you he was on camera this whole time, folks. So I was watching him and I know he was a good boy. And he was such a good able to see if I was being a bad boy. he was Such a good boy. you brought the podcast in under and ah way under and well under hour.

Speaker: No, I think, Matt, exactly under one hour. Oh, exactly. Yeah, yeah, right. 59 minutes and 59 seconds. And because of that, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let you do. We normally don't do this on bonuses.

Speaker: I'm to let you do a Pat Steeles and Deals.

Speaker: He's got an eye out, stuff that you could buy out. If you had time machine that you would like to try out, it's Pat Steele and Deal. Oh, thank you, Matt, so much for giving me this opportunity. I love you, bud to show you Steele and Deal. Matt.

Speaker: Yeah. Detective. Ha ha ha ha!

Speaker: There's a little silhouette of like a Sherlock Holmes-esque guy here. Learn how the pros do it. Track and analyze clues. Send secret messages. Create disguises. Lift fingerprints. Use secret equipment.

Speaker: Learn real crime investigation. Send $1 for a secret detective career kit.

Speaker: You know me, Matt. You love detective. I'll buy anything for a dollar. ah god And I do. I love detective. I especially love secret detective.

Speaker: And this teaches you to be detective. You can be detective now. Yes, I can learn real crime investigation. Wow. um What in the fuck is this? I don't know. The name of the company is detective school.

Speaker: Their address is a P.O. o box. Wow. um I'm guessing. I mean, for a dollar, they're not going to send you a magnifying glass or like fingerprint dust or anything, right?

Speaker: They might send you like, um you know, the little magnifying glasses that came with Clue Junior. little cheap plastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just it's just transparent plastic. It doesn't actually magnify anything.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. ah Probably one of those. okay Corn cob pipe, maybe.

Speaker: What do think they secret equipment? A little vial of cocaine? Yeah. ah ah Man, yeah. Fucking wow. All right.

Speaker: Do I want detective? Would I pay a dollar for detective rather like that's a dollar for detective.

Speaker: Oh, God, it's a dollar. It's a dollar. And what if I what if I did? What if I didn't do it? What if I didn't drop this dollar? I spend it on bubble. my You know me and my bubble gums. I spend it on a whole collection of bubble gums.

Speaker: A whole dollars worth of bubble gum. A whole array of bubble gums. um And you know I don't even eat them. i just I just keep them on my dresser and I look at them. Welcome to my library.

Speaker: so ah if i so if I just bought my bubble gums and then it turned out I could have been detective if I had gotten this. You could have solved that murder. I'm buying it.

Speaker: All right. na out

Speaker: It's been a laurel a little while since you've agreed to buy one of my steals deals. So let's try getting better ones. Try getting a good one bonus episode. But most people won't even hear this one. Everyone's always skipping the bonus episodes. They hate those bonus episodes. They hate them we We release them and we get hate mail. It's like, stop it with the bonus episodes. Numbered episodes only.

Speaker: Yeah, and folks, enough with the threats on our lives. Bonus isn't a number. I'll kill you. ah That's it. That's the end of the episode. We have to say two sets of goodbyes here. Under an hour, but we have to what? We have to do two sets of goodbyes. Because first we got to say, hey, Patreon listeners who got this a week early, thanks for subscribing.

Speaker: Yeah, this is this one's for you. This little part of the the rest of the episodes for everybody. But this little part.

Speaker: It is for you. And now, Pat, sing your song. Thank you. Thank you. That was for you, folks. That was just for you. Now, you don't subscribe to the Patreon. I hope you skipped over all that, because if you didn't, you owe us at least a dollar per month. So you can go to the show notes and find our Patreon or you just go mutant menace, search mutant menace on Patreon. And, you know, ah you can give us a dollar as little as a dollar. You can give us as much as you want. Look, you think I can't use two hundred dollars a month? Of course I could. That'd be so good for me. You know how how ah easier how much easier my life would be if I got two hundred dollars a month?

Speaker: But I don't get $200 a month. And you don't need you don't owe me $200 a month. You could sign up for free if you want. But if you want to give us a dollar, we'd appreciate it. And if you give us as low as a dollar or any other dollar amount, um you get these bonuses one week early.

Speaker: And some good-ass bonus content. Yeah, good-ass bonus content. That's what these people are saying. It's good-ass. Great-ass. Great-ass. What else?

Speaker: I, you can follow us on Instagram. It's a good time mutant menace pod. You can find us on YouTube. You can, i'd love it if you did that. Write us an email, mutant menace pod at gmail.com. You'll be featured on Pat's email corner, which we don't do on the bonus episodes. You may have noticed, but we will do in the main feed.

Speaker: I yeah have something I want to say. Spit it out. Thank you to Krils Wilson for the, uh, the, uh, uh, all the music.

Speaker: Yeah. Just the one song today, but that's okay. No, both songs. Two songs. Thank you to Julius Ellie for the voice of Trish Tilby.

Speaker: And I guess that's it, Matt. I guess we're done with everything. Let's just stop the recording. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I forgot our famous catchphrase. The one that we say at the end of every episode.

Speaker: That's right. As always, folks say it with me. I spit on progress. Progress is killing the whole planet. And remember. Bathroom must get to bathroom.