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Repost Series: Navigating the Motherhood-Career Balancing Act
11 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, Shanarra Goode is joined by Monique Benoit, a chemical engineer, and mother of four, shares her inspiring story of balancing motherhood and career aspirations. From her journey as a chemical engineer to becoming a retail expert in the beauty industry, Monique discusses the valuable lessons she learned about leadership and managing teams while raising her daughters. She also shares her incredible experience of interviewing for a job while nine months pregnant and securing the position after delivering her baby. Let’s explore the challenges and joys of balancing work and motherhood, setting boundaries, and creating your own path to parenthood, even if it means considering single parenting by choice.
Join us for an insightful discussion on navigating your career journey with newfound confidence and success!
Introduction (0:00-03:05)
Shanarra introduces Monique Benoit, a chemical engineer, merchant, and mother of four, shares her inspiring story of balancing motherhood and career aspirations.
From Chemical Engineering to Retail Visionary (03:06 - 07:27)
Monique shares her background, including her chemical engineering degree and transition to technical sales, then to retail after obtaining her MBA. She discusses her work experience at Target, Anthropologie, and her own consultancy.
Balancing Personal and Professional Expectations (07:38 - 10:29)
The challenges of balancing early motherhood with her career ambitions. Discuss how one’s own career expectations and how societal norms influenced her perception of marriage and motherhood.
Monique's Drive to Return to Work Post-Maternity Leave (16:21 - 25:00)
Discuss the balance between career ambitions and the biological clock, reflecting on the challenges women face in balancing both. Monique’s perseverance and drive to return to work shortly after maternity leave. She shares her quick recovery from childbirth and how her career orientation motivated her to get back to work.
Balancing Social Life with Motherhood 32:39 - 34:16
Differences in social dynamics between her and her child-free friends. Monique talks about the logistical and emotional challenges of balancing social activities with parenting responsibilities.
Choosing Motherhood Intentionally 37:54 - 39:56
Respect for women who choose single motherhood intentionally and the preparations involved. Comparison between your own path to motherhood and that of women who choose it proactively.
Embracing Individual Timelines 42:03 - 45:00
Encouragement for younger women to create their own paths in life. Discussion on societal expectations and the impact of traditional narratives on personal decisions.
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Transcript
Introduction of The Good Guide and Host's Career Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey there! Welcome to The Good Guide, your ultimate career companion. I'm Shannara Good, and I've been on quite the career roller coaster. From the trenches of entry-level positions to the boardrooms as a now more seasoned professional.
00:00:15
Speaker
Believe me when I say i have been there and know that I've acquired some wisdom over the years that I cannot wait to share with
Addressing Career Challenges and Imposter Syndrome
00:00:22
Speaker
you. Ever felt like you're on your career journey solo?
00:00:26
Speaker
Or maybe you're curious about conquering career plateaus, overcoming imposter syndrome, or leading with unwavering confidence. Well, I promise you are in the right place.
Podcast Format: Guest Speakers and Topics
00:00:38
Speaker
Every week, my guests and I will share our own challenges and successes. We'll talk about everything from career development to leadership to even work-life balance. Expect a healthy dose of authenticity and, of course, our tips and tricks that will have you navigating your career with a newfound confidence.
00:00:58
Speaker
Don't miss out on the knowledge drop, y'all.
Call to Subscribe and Follow
00:01:01
Speaker
Hit that like, subscribe, and follow button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app. Trust me, you won't want to miss an episode.
00:01:12
Speaker
Because this is the good guide where we're not just chasing success, we're defining it. Are you ready to elevate your career game? Let's dive in.
Life Changes Post-Mother's Day and Guest Introduction
00:01:27
Speaker
Today I wanted to switch gears a bit with Mother's Day having just passed. It got me thinking about where my life is today compared to what I thought it would have looked like at 32 when I was much younger than I am now.
00:01:46
Speaker
And mind you, this isn't necessarily in a what was me way, but just more of a perspective of, oh wow, Here we are. Anyway, I recently met today's guest.
00:01:57
Speaker
And while there is so much that we could probably sit and chat about from a business perspective, being that we have in some ways similar backgrounds, even though she started in a much in different realm than I did.
00:02:13
Speaker
But today, what I actually wanted to steer our conversation towards was the topic of motherhood.
Monique Benoit: Career Overview and Motherhood
00:02:20
Speaker
Monique Benoit, who is our guest for the day, she is not only a fellow podcast host, she currently hosts Beauty From the Shelf, where she speaks with industry experts to fill the gaps integral to growth for early stage beauty founders, but she's also a merchant, an an engineer, has over a decade worth of experience in the beauty industry. Where I think she's an expert to help us on today's topic is the fact that she is a mom to four.
00:02:54
Speaker
So without further ado, please join me in welcoming Monique Benoit the podcast. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here. So first, before we get into the meat of our topic today, i want to ground everyone in your background, how you got started. so go ahead and take us through that.
Transition from Engineering to Beauty Industry
00:03:18
Speaker
Yeah, I actually have a bachelor's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Michigan. I always share this, even though it's not really relevant to the exact work that I do today, just because I feel like it grounded me in being a problem solver and being someone who can take things that might be very messy and add some operations to it.
00:03:39
Speaker
I did realize, though, my senior year that I didn't want to be an engineer, but I had 12 credits left and my mom was like, you're going to be an engineer. And so I went into technical sales because it was the closest thing to business. And I thought it'll have less engineering.
00:03:52
Speaker
And that's when I learned another thing, which is that in sales, you really have to be the expert. And so I learned, oh, I have to drive value for my customer and I have to be the expert at this thing.
00:04:03
Speaker
And I say the driving value for the customer is something that's been consistent throughout my career. Even though I left the engineering behind.
Career and Motherhood Balance
00:04:10
Speaker
So I did sales for about five years, then went back to school, got my MBA. And that's when I came to the world of retail.
00:04:18
Speaker
I joined Target as a post MBA hire back when they had a program to take non-traditional people and bring them in as merchants, teach them what it meant to do retail math online.
00:04:29
Speaker
learn all of the things. And this was back when at Target, as a buyer, you were over everything. You managed promotions, you managed your P&L, you also managed the assortment. And I was just fresh-eyed, didn't know what I was doing, had a great time bringing in some emerging brands there in the sanitary protection category. So sexy, but it was a dream job for me.
00:04:51
Speaker
I left Target and was in Minneapolis, moved back to the East Coast, which is where I spent my four years growing up and bought at Anthropologie for a little under two years. Did a lot more product development there. Their buyers are like designers. You get to chase really amazing product. And I say to this day, I can find anything if you give me an aesthetic and a price range. I'm your go-to girl. She loves shop.
00:05:15
Speaker
Okay. Yes. ah So learned a lot more about product development there at Anthro. Then I went to a broker and on the broker side, I sold some brands into Ulta Beauty. And most recently I started my own consultancy where I work with emerging brands, helping them to really grow and scale at retail. So we established brand foundations. I also help with getting them in at retail and like fractional director of sales roles. So that's that.
00:05:42
Speaker
Yeah. I love it. Wow, you've done it all. You've been on it's funny, I feel like I actually talk about this a lot of my background and being in both worlds where you've been at that large corporation, but you've also done the smaller stuff.
00:05:56
Speaker
And i especially within the beauty industry, I feel like that's such a unique skill because it's like you really do with beauty on the up and being this really big, there's this big moment that's happening within the beauty space. I think like having that both sides of the coin experience is like just so amazing and like critical to the success of a lot of these smaller beauty brands today.
00:06:20
Speaker
So that's awesome.
Motherhood's Influence on Leadership Style
00:06:21
Speaker
um Okay. You, ah throughout all of this though, like I mentioned in my intro, you have four daughters, which like, first of all, happy belated mother's day. Second of all,
00:06:32
Speaker
My gosh, you are doing the Lord's work. Amen. Let them know. Let them know. You are doing the Lord's work. So what, talk us through your daughters. You've got four, are their ages? What are their names? Like just, yeah, tell us it all.
00:06:47
Speaker
Yeah, my oldest daughter, Najah, going to be 13. So I'm going to officially be a mom of a teenager, which is wild. I literally can't believe it.
00:06:58
Speaker
So i say I was 24 when I had her. So you can do the math. I'm open about my age. ye No big deal. But still that I learned a lot, I think, especially being like peak millennial who had a child at age 24 and wanted to go after career. So that was definitely its own moment in and of itself.
00:07:17
Speaker
And my three younger daughters are... turning nine, ah seven. Brielle is not about to be nine. Raina is seven. And then Hope the baby is going to be five. So we have three summer birthdays. Names are beautiful. I love it.
00:07:33
Speaker
Yeah, but lots of personalities. yeah i always say I learned a lot about Building a team or working with a team from being a mom, I pull a lot as a leader. I've been a leader of people in several of the roles that I've had from motherhood when i am leading my teams, whether it's, okay, you like to be addressed in front of a group if there's something in terms of receiving praise.
00:07:57
Speaker
You actually prefer to receive praise one-on-one. That means more to you. So whether it's receiving praise or how people like to get work done, I'll ask them, do you need to be micromanaged?
00:08:09
Speaker
Do you want, what cadence of follow-up do you want? I've learned that even with my daughters, some of them need micromanagement yeah where others are like, I got it, mom.
00:08:21
Speaker
like me me yeah Let me be independent. I'm a boss. Like we play Beyonce all the time at home. Come Who run the world? It rubbed off. Yeah. oh Yeah. So it's been fun. A fun ride for sure.
Early Motherhood and Career Ambitions
00:08:32
Speaker
Yeah. So you had your first daughter when you were 24 years old and like, back I'll back up a little bit. When I was probably and like in middle school, I used to watch the show, and this is I'm a millennial as well, obviously. i used to watch so Seventh Heaven. Were you a Seventh Heavener? I was have a Seventh Heaven girl. He grew up a church girl, so I watched it. Exactly, yes. so It was a cute, wholesome family show about this white religious family, and we all thought that was normal.
00:09:03
Speaker
Anyway, so Lucy, who was my favorite character on the show, She got married, I believe she would have been like 21, 22 years old. And I remember growing up, that was like my, in a way, my role model of thought that's what you did. I thought that my mom had my brother and I when she was young. Mind you, she wasn't married or anything. But still, like for me, in my mind, it was the very normal thing to do to be a woman in your young twenty s having kids.
00:09:34
Speaker
So when post-college, that didn't happen for me. It was, first of all, I couldn't have imagined it, but it was also like, okay, i'm I guess I'm doing my own thing.
00:09:44
Speaker
But for you, you did do that. Like you did go through your young twenties as a mom. So I'm just curious, what was that? Did you feel prepared and ready at 24 to have your first daughter?
00:09:57
Speaker
No, I did not. And I'll say I didn't, I did end up getting married, but my oldest daughter, I was not married to her dad. We've been dating and found out, oh, we're expecting. yeah And at the time I just remember feeling, okay, I have a job. I have benefits. I should be able to take care of this child.
00:10:15
Speaker
But I also knew because I actually have, i only have one sibling. So slight backstory. And my sibling is 13 years younger than me. Okay, so I was a teenager changing diapers, holding babies, always loved kids. I was a babysitter, but I had a lot of hands-on experience with kids and I knew everything that it took.
00:10:36
Speaker
And so at the time i was actually working as a chemical engineer, going into power plants and refineries. There was actually sections of the power plants that I couldn't go into while I was pregnant because it had a sign like, warning, warning.
00:10:50
Speaker
Pregnant lady picture. Yeah. Yeah, that's me. And I just remember feeling like I don't think I'm going to be able to do this with the current support network that I have.
00:11:02
Speaker
I was in Philly and I had a lot of childhood friends there. My friends were living their best lives. I mean, this is like, again, born in 1986. So everybody was like, girl, why are you having a baby? We're traveling to India. We're outside. Yeah. you Everyone was living their best lives.
00:11:19
Speaker
And here I was like having this baby. And so I decided at that time that I needed to move to Virginia. So stepped out on faith a little bit and decided that I was going to somehow get a job while I was on maternity leave or something was going to work out, but I wasn't going to be at that engineering job. So I literally packed myself out of an apartment in Philly, moved my things to Virginia.
00:11:41
Speaker
And also had an apartment on lease just in case things didn't work out how I thought they would. Had an apartment in Philly and moved to Virginia to spend my maternity leave with my parents. My mom was a stay-at-home mom at the time. So she was available to help me out yeah and was basically like, hey, we will help you.
00:12:00
Speaker
And that has been the resounding theme for sure throughout my life where it's I'm very grateful to have parents that yeah I can fall back on. I moved in with them. So I was 24. Back at home, yeah living with my parents, with my baby, my yeah ah newborn.
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah. And when you first got pregnant or even when you first had her, was career something that you were like actively yeah going after?
00:12:28
Speaker
Yes. So I say she was a surprise in case anyone was wondering. She was definitely a surprise. I actually was in the middle of applying to MBA programs, top MBA programs at that. I was studying for the GMAT.
00:12:41
Speaker
Oh, wow. And I'll never forget, I was studying for the GMAT. I had just gotten an acceptance letter into MLT, Management Leaders for Tomorrow, which was like a very competitive yeah program for folks who want to go get their MBA. So I got this acceptance.
00:12:56
Speaker
And I was supposed to go to business school fall 2012. My daughter was born in the summer of 2011, my oldest. And I remember I had a GMAT test scheduled for January 2011. And I remember being like, I'm pregnant.
00:13:13
Speaker
Everything is going to change. I don't know what's going to happen with my career. I tried to cancel taking the GMAT, but they were like, you can't cancel. You're not getting a refund. So i was like, fine, I'll go take it. And I remember I went to New York to party with my friends that weekend, true 24 year old style, right?
00:13:28
Speaker
Shared a bed with a good friend, right? yeah We walked the town and yeah had a really good time. came back that Monday actually did quite well on the test. So I probably needed that.
00:13:40
Speaker
And that'll come in later. As you heard, I got my MBA. I ended up still going back and getting it. But at the time, Career-wise, I just felt, I don't know what's going to happen. i had a very clear path at that point. i was writing essays for MLT talking about what I wanted to do, how I wanted to leverage my and MBA career to transition into consulting, to do consulting in the energy sector. It's tied to my chemical engineering degree and my pre-MBA work and how I was going to be this boss.
00:14:06
Speaker
I knew I was very smart. I was driven. And then it was just like, what are you going to do now? And I wasn't really sure. Eventually things worked themselves out. So it's fun. I'm thinking about what I was doing when I was 24. I was out. I was definitely outside.
00:14:23
Speaker
i was out was outside. I was not, i was dating a little bit, but like all fun, like frolicking, like not anything serious. But I would say like that career part
Balancing Career and Motherhood
00:14:34
Speaker
for me has always been, I grew up in a single the parent household.
00:14:38
Speaker
My mom, when I was in high school, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and it ended up to where she had to stop working and all of that. But before that, she was i remember her working from home or i would go to her office sometimes. I just remembered seeing my mom in like this corporate setting.
00:14:56
Speaker
And so again, for me, I was like, you could do both. There's a world in which like you can have a kid and and be this like corporate person and like doing it all. So like when I, at 24 myself, I think I was still, okay, I'm not 21. I'm not Lucy's age, but it'll happen maybe a year from now, maybe two years from now, whatever.
00:15:20
Speaker
And as time started to tick, I was like, okay, it's still not happening. It's still not happening. So for you, you have your first daughter after you have her.
00:15:31
Speaker
I'm assuming you do, you said you were on mat leave. So then you go back to, you're still in Virginia at this time? I'm still in Virginia. And funny story about how I ended up getting my job after I had nausea.
00:15:45
Speaker
Yeah. i got a call from a company that interviewed for in February. So I carry pretty, I was able to conceal it. They did not know I was pregnant at that interview. Yeah. okay for youro But I get a call on July 6th. Okay.
00:15:59
Speaker
saying or I get a call I think before that but I have an interview on July 16th they're like hey Monique we did say in February that we just didn't think that role was the right one for you and we want to call you back on the interview and I'm like what I didn't know companies actually thought that was all like fluff so I'm like okay I'll come in and I'm thinking oh shoot I'm like nine months pregnant about to pop. Like her due date is the 27th of July. It's ain't no hiding. Ain't no hiding. There's a bun in the oven. Right.
00:16:26
Speaker
So I'm preparing for their interview and I start having contractions. No. And I'm like, for real? Now I got to call them and basically tell them, hey, so I call them and I'm like, hi, just, I was getting ready to leave for the interview, but I'm actually nine months pregnant.
00:16:44
Speaker
And I'm having contractions. And I just, I'm really interested in the role. I'm really excited about the role. But I don't know that I should be coming in right now oh my god my gun I just want but I am really interested in the role exactly I needed this job just so is that and they were like oh my gosh like you don't have to come in but call us and um we'll see so I was like okay that was Friday I deliver her on Monday girl don't you know I called them on Tuesday hi this is Monique I delivered the baby yesterday and I can come in for an interview later this week
00:17:18
Speaker
I can't. Yeah. I mean, I was about, I was like, wow. They were like, and this is where it's like savage. Like my friends are like, Mo, you're savage. I don't know how you do what you do. And I'm like, girl, I don't know anything else. Okay. Exactly. This is just DNA. yes It's what I've been doing. So I will never forget. I went in and we drove down. This was, we were living in Northern Virginia and the job was in Georgetown on M street, Washington, DC hour and a half drive.
00:17:47
Speaker
And I remember just saying to my mom, I was nursing my oldest. I was like, okay, I'll nurse her right before the interview. I'll put her down. Infants are so easy, relative, like experienced mom now, like very easy. Growing children. yeah yeah you got to im like Exactly.
00:18:04
Speaker
She'll sleep. I'll interview. And then in between the interviews, I'll nurse. And then I'll go back in the interviews. And that's exactly what I did. My mom sat outside in the car with my oldest daughter and I got the job.
00:18:17
Speaker
And so literally, i all of those things, woman of faith, I believed it's going to come through. And I was able to get the job to allow me to fully move and fully transition to Virginia.
00:18:29
Speaker
So then I told my job, I won't be returning. And then I started that job working in more like healthcare sales in September. I took seven weeks, I think, of maternity leave and was right back at it.
00:18:41
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Goodness, girl. Like what? So you didn't have Matt leave at all? No, I have seven weeks off because she was born in like mid-light. It's like the standard six weeks.
00:18:54
Speaker
It's our subpar standard here in the year. Exactly. That's what we need normal. Yeah. So I was able to still, I just told the company, I was like, okay. I told them like basically right when I was supposed to return so that I kept my maternity leave.
00:19:07
Speaker
And then I basically took one extra week off and was like, I feel great. I don't know if it was youth. I was definitely in great shape, but I can say, and I, for all of my kids, like not to be TMI, but I didn't have, I had natural births, no drugs. And so my recovery,
00:19:22
Speaker
Savage girl, i told you, but my recovery was very fast. Like I was able to, I felt I've talked to friends who've had kids and they're like, there's no way that I felt ready to return to work.
00:19:36
Speaker
But I would say really with all of my kids, thankfully, I actually felt quite ready physically, as mentally as you can be to go back to work. And I think because I was 24, because I was so career oriented, and actually wanted to get back to work because was not, and I was not planning on having this baby. Like I was like, okay, I know I'm a mom, but I enjoy working. Like right I was not in the mindset of, oh, I can't wait to just be home and like,
00:20:04
Speaker
cooking meals with my kid and like reading to them. it was like, I'm excited to be a mom, but I was also in this stage of my career where I was really hungry and wanted to get after advancing my skillset, learning the things that I could and like growing in my career. Yeah.
00:20:23
Speaker
Did you ever, because i remember having a distinct conversation with my mom a couple of years back. So I'm, I'll be 33 this year. and this was probably on the brink of my 30th birthday.
00:20:34
Speaker
And I remember around then was when I switched from like the mindset of, oh man, I want a partner to oh man, I'm having, what is it
Career-Driven Mindset with Family Life
00:20:46
Speaker
called? My biological clock. It wasn't about wanting a relationship and it was more about, wow, I have this feeling, the slight the subtle itch that's there to enter into motherhood, to want to be a mom.
00:21:01
Speaker
And so I said to her, I was like, what's really frustrating and what pisses me off is that it's not like women – it's almost like our bodies betray us in a way where it's like you can be the most career-oriented B-I-T-C-H, right? Like you can – really want to go balls to the wall and just grind.
00:21:22
Speaker
And do it and be successful. Exactly. And be successful. But for some of us, there's going to be this moment where our emotions, our hormones, our bodies want motherhood.
00:21:36
Speaker
And for us being the carriers of the kid, right? That's going to come at a, that's going to jeopardize our career growth. Like I think about my colleagues who have gone on maternity leave.
00:21:50
Speaker
And mind you, sure, it's not that you're being punished for going on maternity leave, but that's you're talking about three months of not being able to network, of not being able to apply for jobs, of not like all of these moments. And so was there, as you were having your second, your third, was the second time around when you did get married when you did have your other daughters, did you feel like you were starting to have that push pull of, I want to be a mom, I want to be a good wife, but i also still want to prioritize my career? And if so, what, how did you get through that or work through that, I should say?
00:22:27
Speaker
Yeah. so I'll preface all of this in saying this is my life and my story. I'm not necessarily suggesting that this is what's best for anyone else, but this is just what had happened. OK. Yeah.
00:22:38
Speaker
So i had nausea. Fast forward. I end up going to business school and I said from jump, like, I'm going to get my MBA and my m MRS jokingly, but also.
00:22:49
Speaker
yeah Honestly, manifesting it for me. i ended up writing my, my husband in business school and I should say he's technically, he's my ex-husband, but I'm gonna call him my husband. yeah At the time I met him in business school and I knew what I wanted at the time. I was like, look, I have a daughter that's almost going to be four.
00:23:07
Speaker
I know what I want in my career I also know that I desire motherhood. Like at that point, I was pretty much cemented in that I was like, I love this. I love children. I've always loved children. Just thinking back to again my childhood when I was babysitting.
00:23:21
Speaker
And I was like, I've done this before. So it feels we can accelerate things if we wanted to. And we can get married, have a baby, preferably before I need to start my MBA job. So that I'm starting the same time as my other MBA classmates without a break.
00:23:40
Speaker
Right. And that's basically what happened. Again, I can manifest some things. Girl, I'm about to say, you got a board. Look, that's why I say i have to be careful what say, what I speak.
00:23:51
Speaker
But so we got married, ah basically started trying very right away. And I literally had my second daughter in July 2015. And twenty fifteen And there were two waves of MBA start class. One was in July and one was in September.
00:24:08
Speaker
And so i did the September start. So I was right on track with the rest of my MBA classmates where I was able to still jump in and have that second baby, but also still stay on track career wise.
00:24:20
Speaker
I had been out of work for two years because I got my MBA outside of the summer internship. So again, I felt ready and rested to go get that money, get that job. Yeah.
00:24:32
Speaker
yeah And that's what I did. And so throughout really the other, my younger three girls that I had with my husband, I don't feel like career stopped. I let my leaders my sponsors at Target at the time know, because all of them were born in Minnesota.
00:24:48
Speaker
yeah I said, really care about my family. I also really care about career. And I don't think that the two need to be mutually exclusive. Good for you. And so even while I was on maternity leave, believe it or not, with my youngest,
00:25:01
Speaker
i I was interviewing for director level roles and had a friend in HR text me, hey, Mo, I know you're mat leave and don't want bother you if you don't want this. But they knew me. I let them know. Hit me up.
00:25:13
Speaker
right Don't let a job pass me by because of a baby. Because I'll let you, let me be the one. Let me make that decision. Yeah. Right. Not have you make that decision for me. And again, I'm not saying that this is what anyone else should do.
00:25:27
Speaker
I'm just saying what was right for me. I've always been hungry and able to get after it. Again, like savage. Okay. And I interviewed, I ended up not getting that role. Right.
00:25:37
Speaker
But still, needless to say, like, I came back from maternity leave with my my second oldest and i got promoted within a year of me coming back from maternity leave. So I yeah i never felt like me having my daughters stopped me from doing my job and yeah and being promoted and being able to excel in my career. And I'm very grateful for that.
00:26:01
Speaker
Yeah. Did you ever feel like you were criticized or that people did you ever hear or have people critique the way that you were going about your life and the decisions that you were making?
Criticism and Career Progression
00:26:12
Speaker
The biggest critique that I received was more so around my availability. While I was, while I did have my daughters, I still was very much on drop off and pickup duty many days because my husband traveled for work or it was like he had something in the evening. So I was still very much responsible for drop off and pickup.
00:26:30
Speaker
And so I needed to leave. i needed to leave at 430. And it was like, if I left at five o'clock, I was pushing it because I'm picking up three kids. Okay. And that meant I could never go to happy hours.
00:26:41
Speaker
yeah And that meant I had to make additional or alternative arrangements if I needed to go to dinners with vendors. So I very much had to plan for things.
00:26:52
Speaker
But I found that my vendor partners were great. that i'm I'm the customer, so they're not going to complain about Exactly. Not to my face. yeah But I would say my colleagues sometimes would be like, oh, we don't feel like we know you.
00:27:03
Speaker
And I would just say, arrange some of these team events at times when I can show up, do a break. and We would sometimes have team breakfast and team lunches, and I would attend those.
00:27:14
Speaker
But I just let them know, hey, like all y'all young folks that don't have kids yet, I don't, I can't do it. It's just, that was a firm boundary that I set. And I knew that I missed out on things. So I did feel like I missed out on things sometimes.
00:27:28
Speaker
But looking back, I think i there were enough of the other events, enough lunches. I was very strategic about networking and keeping in touch with the sponsors and mentors that I had within the organization where it all worked out. And I don't think it ended up hindering me at all, especially since my performance was there. Yeah. Yeah.
00:27:48
Speaker
So you, so I guess you would have been done. you had your last kid when you were what then? Like 30? No, 28. I was 32.
00:27:59
Speaker
thirty So I think I was 28 when I had Brielle. And then it was like two years after. So I was like 24, 28, 30, and 32. Okay. Okay. thirty and thirty two okay How do you feel like, because i have I felt like I went through a massive mental transformation, literally from 29 364 days, I had do that math in my head, when actually turned 30, felt sixty four days do that math in my head to when i actually turned thirty like i felt like
00:28:33
Speaker
something like a switch just went off. Like I felt more confident in my life decisions, like not even just like in my body, like it wasn't even physical, it was more mental.
00:28:44
Speaker
Do you feel like you went through that a moment like that going from 29 to 30? Or do you feel like those moments happened for you as you went further into your journey into motherhood?
00:29:02
Speaker
I feel like... that those moments happened at certain life stages for me. Yeah. I was turning 30 and, or when I turned 30, was it 30 or 31? I'm trying to think, cause I'm like 2016. I just remember having a party and inviting my girlfriends out to Minnesota and my second oldest was one.
00:29:23
Speaker
And I remember thinking, wow, like this is, i didn't think this was what it was going to be like at 31, but this is what it is. So I feel like, Certain life events happened that more grounded me in what was going on or what part of life was life in, I'll say.
00:29:40
Speaker
So you have a baby at 24. There's a level of responsibility that I had that a lot of my other friends didn't necessarily have. I would liken it to if you become a caregiver unexpectedly, you have to take care of a parent or a sibling.
00:29:56
Speaker
yeah you Your responsibility level... and instinctively, it changes so significantly that you're like, there are things that I'm no longer going to be able to do. So I feel like there were certain things that I had to mourn in a way and get over because as a younger adult, like I didn't get to eat, pray, love and go again and travel. My days on the streets were very few and far between. That might be good thing though.
00:30:24
Speaker
But i I very much was had this responsibility and I felt like Once that part of life kicked in, all of the other things that a lot of my other friends were still shooting for, like most of my girlfriends are just now having their first or maybe second kid.
00:30:42
Speaker
They got married maybe a few years ago or are still in serious relationships or are happily child free and single. And so I just felt like actually felt quite alone going through many of the phases of life that I did because I was so accelerated. Yeah.
00:31:01
Speaker
And like none of the other millennials were like having kids except for like my like hand, like it outside of the super religious girlies. Yeah. Who like, I was like, I'm like,
00:31:13
Speaker
I grew up in the church, but I'm not really. not when i like I was like, I'm not really trying to be a trad wife. right haveher acknowledge there But I was like, that's not what type of time I'm on. And so I felt like, where are the girlies who like want to be boss babes, but also like love motherhood.
00:31:29
Speaker
Also love the idea of raising a family. And so I had to figure out how to navigate some of that on my own. So I wouldn't say there was an age. It was more so certain life stages. Like when I got married, what that meant to be a wife and how to Have that conversation if it's with my mom or figure out how to talk to my girlfriends about certain things, even though we're at very different life stages. It can just be really hard to relate and empathize. And it's interesting because some of my girlfriends now will say to me like,
00:31:56
Speaker
Mo, I don't know how you did this because I know we weren't there for you because we didn't get it. And I'm like, yeah look, girl, it's hard, whatever age you're doing it at. And thankfully, I was able to figure it out.
00:32:08
Speaker
But I would say it was more so not an age, but more so these different life moments that hit that reminded me of, whoa, like I i say, like my 30s were a whirlwind. What I thought my 30s were going to be when I was when I like had my second oldest and was like joyful about motherhood and career and all of that.
00:32:28
Speaker
I could not have predicted that I would be seven years later divorced. And still I have four beautiful daughters, but I definitely didn't think that I was going to be exactly where I am. But sometimes that's just where you're supposed to be.
00:32:41
Speaker
Yeah. I'm glad you mentioned the the loneliness part because I think that's what it's like ah for me, that's some of the flip. Like if I didn't live in l L.A., and One of the things that keeps me here is that I'm able to surround myself with people that are childless or that are single.
00:33:00
Speaker
a lot of my friends are, they don't have kids out here. They're not in relationships. And like, it keeps me from feeling that sense of loneliness because all of my friends that I've met in different life stages, other than when I moved to l LA, are They are, they all are either married or have kids.
00:33:19
Speaker
And it feels like there's this, not rift, because it's, there's not like a, anything wrong with our relationship, but it just, you could, you're in different life stages. It's different. You're in different life stages. I mean, i still have friends here in, in Michigan and it's, oh, I'm free. You want to go out tonight?
00:33:37
Speaker
And I'm like, tonight? It's a Friday night. I got gymnastics at 10 a.m. tomorrow. Or it's just like, y'all, I don't get to sleep in. yeah yeah if I would love to see you, yeah but then I'm going to be tired.
00:33:51
Speaker
And that means I might be screaming at my daughters. Because I need rest if I'm going to have patience with four kids. yeah And so it's really tough. I'm like, again, the flip side of that for you, because so many of my friends were like,
00:34:06
Speaker
child-free, single. And I'm like, oh, I get in where I fit in, but they know Mo's going to dip out at 10, 30, 11. ten thirty eleven Yeah. Yeah. And, but I got to see y'all.
00:34:17
Speaker
Yeah. Do you have, because this is another thing that I feel like is becoming more popular and I'd be lying if I said I haven't looked into it, but like single parenting by
Rise of Single Motherhood by Choice
00:34:28
Speaker
choice.
00:34:28
Speaker
like it's it There's a whole phenomenon. And quite honestly, I feel like the women that I see doing it are all women of color. So I'm curious, right like i'm like i'm curious do you have any friends that have chosen that path? like And also, what are some of your theories on why? I think I have my own theories of why it tends to be women of color. But yeah, let's get into that a little bit.
00:34:50
Speaker
Yes, I would say I have one friend, two acquaintances that are very open about their journeys into single motherhood by choice. All in their, I would say, late 30s or early 40s at the moment when they chose to have their kids.
00:35:07
Speaker
And I think for many of those women, if I think about those three in particular, they got to this point where it's like career was Gucci. Bank account was looking good.
00:35:20
Speaker
it's, I desire motherhood, but I don't have a partner, especially you're 40 and you're like, I've dated every, I didn't been around a block. I been outside. We didn't been inside and we didn't see what it looks And I said, I don't like either side. Yeah. And it's at that point,
00:35:38
Speaker
you realize, and this is what I even had to come to realize once I got divorced and I became ah single mom, yeah is that parenting is as much about the village as it is about, if you want to call it that, two-parent household.
00:35:52
Speaker
the And so I think that for a lot of those friends, they realized as long as I have the financial resources and the physical village support that I need,
00:36:04
Speaker
Yeah, I can do this. And so for many of them that actually look like moving back to be for two of them that look like moving back to be close to family. One of them that I'm thinking of is in a sorority. And so she's I'm surrounded by my sisters. They very much support me in this choice. You got the season ones that maybe their kids don't have grandkids yet so they can come and help out. But you realize that you can very much build this village and you don't necessarily have to wait for and the hand Yeah. Yeah.
00:36:33
Speaker
Because when you think about for, especially many of my friends have graduate degrees, have been making six figures since we were probably 30. Okay. okay Yeah. So that means now if we're in our late 30s, we are well past that.
00:36:47
Speaker
And so if you're looking for a partner to your question of why do I think that is, if you're looking for a partner that is similarly successful, Aligned. Aligned. Is respectful and understanding and not intimidated by the fact that you are, you're smart and your' you desire career.
00:37:07
Speaker
You have leadership capabilities. and In some cases, you might want to bring some of that into the household. yeah I've had so many conversations with friends where it's like, we clearly are winning in career.
00:37:19
Speaker
And then sometimes because of traditional gender roles, how that shakes out in the house with relationships can be a challenge. yeah And it's the way I all of a sudden need to turn off my natural leadership abilities because I'm a woman.
00:37:37
Speaker
Oh, I'm not supposed to manage the finances because I'm a woman, even though i literally work in finance. and i And I also have my personal finances together and you are still working on things.
00:37:49
Speaker
just it It gets to the point where it's are we working together as a team and figuring out what the rules are for our team as a couple? Or are we following the rule book from someone else? And many of my friends are like, we want to figure out what works for us.
00:38:06
Speaker
hey And that's just been like a challenge. And so it's, if I can't find that man, I got enough money to make it happen. And and that again, that's what I desire. So I'm gonna make it happen. And yeah I'm happy for them because they're loving it and like doing motherhood. So, and I also feel, i know I've been long-winded, but I think there's something very different about choosing motherhood in that way versus the way that I yeah Yeah. No, I think that's a really point.
00:38:31
Speaker
Yep. Motherhood chose me and I decided to move forward with that. and we made it work. Yeah. And I made it work. I think that for those single moms by choice, it's very intentional. but You're not, it's not a, Oh, slip up one night or something wasn't supposed to happen.
00:38:48
Speaker
It's okay. I'm choosing this. And I know this is going to take, there are things that I have to do to prepare my body for this. There are things I need to do to prepare financially and I'm choosing it. And I think there's also something very powerful and very, but I respect it so much for you to choose that.
00:39:06
Speaker
And I'm glad that I'm able to be a part of their village in whatever way they see. No, I literally, I i think about that a lot because don't, I think when you are such a strong willed and capable as you get older, it does get hard to find a partner that like, not even that,
00:39:29
Speaker
It has nothing, honestly, in some ways, it's like it has nothing to do with a partner that wants me and everything to do with a partner that I want. It's, I'm not over here about to...
00:39:42
Speaker
co-parent with someone that only meets half of my expectations. Or as a child themselves. Correct. Rather than me do it and I meet 100% of my expectations. And so I think about that all the time. I'm like, i know I've joined groups. I've looked into different communities.
00:39:59
Speaker
A friend out here has a friend that did it. And again, they're like late 30s, early 40s. And so I'm like, I know I still have by no means. what I think what the one of the things that have that I've been blessed with like mentally is that I feel like as I've gone further into my 30s, I don't feel this sense of, oh God, I'm so old. Oh God, life is over for me. like I'm like, no, there's still I still have a laundry list of things that I know I'm going to accomplish, will accomplish, like all of those things.
00:40:27
Speaker
motherhood is on there. But I also am like, if I get to 40 and I'm not with somebody and hey, it might even be 38. I don't know. I'm just, I'm not quite ready to do it, but I'm also like, if I needed to be ready to do it, I know I could.
00:40:40
Speaker
I'm like, I have no doubt within my mind that I'm like, I'd be a great single mom. I've grown up with a single mom. I know what that looks like. And I've got to your point, I've got that village that would be so supportive. Yeah. I really love that. That's become a bigger conversation.
00:40:57
Speaker
So, yeah. Okay. So I always end my interviews in this way. And first of all, thank you for being transparent and just like vulnerable. And in terms of walking us through your journey, i know everyone's journey to motherhood and career is just always so different. So I really appreciate you being willing to have this conversation today.
00:41:18
Speaker
But I want to know if you knew then what you know now, what advice would you give to Monique either right before motherhood or even throughout your motherhood or out motherhood?
00:41:33
Speaker
I'm just curious, what would that advice be? If I knew then what I know now, Let me tell you, my life would be totally different. i I don't know that i don't know if i would have if I would have chosen motherhood or allowed it to choose me the way that I with with the flow yeah at that time. So i don't i don't know that I would change anything for what happened to me in my life because I do feel like things happen for a reason. For better or for worse, I think what I do is I definitely pay it forward by talking to...
00:42:07
Speaker
whatever younger women that I come into contact with and definitely sharing with my daughters that but you don't have to make choices about things. you You don't have to do things on a timeline that you've seen before because you think that's right.
00:42:23
Speaker
So like similar to how you said your mom was in her twenties when she had you at a very similar experience. My mom and dad met in college They got married right after college. They had me right after college.
00:42:36
Speaker
And so I was expecting something very similar. i think I would say you can really write your own path when it comes to family. And that's even more so true now with the technology that's available. It's no, you can...
00:42:48
Speaker
You could be a single mom by choice as we yeah we discussed just a little bit
Life Advice: Individuality and Unique Paths
00:42:53
Speaker
ago. So I think I would say don't feel don't feel like you have to follow someone else's rules.
00:43:01
Speaker
And i would also just say you're not going to please everyone and you have to be okay with that. Yeah. Like it's ultimately staying true to what you believe is right.
00:43:14
Speaker
Yeah. Will end up being better, most likely for all parties involved, even the people who are saying this isn't the right decision or a good idea at the time. yeah And so i would just say, trust your instincts in terms of making decisions. Even if folks are saying you shouldn't do this or that's wrong. I disagree.
00:43:36
Speaker
People are going to disagree and you've got to know that. And then i would just say, lastly, when, if life throws anything at you where you start to not trust yourself, because that definitely has happened to me.
00:43:50
Speaker
I would say just remember that everyone's path is unique. Yeah. And you're going to make mistakes. The goal is to minimize, and think, the collateral damage.
00:44:02
Speaker
Yeah. That might happen when mistakes happen. So just know it's part of life. Life happens to everyone. And you make the best decisions that you can at the time with the information that you have.
00:44:16
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I feel like that's definitely been one of my biggest life lessons is the timeline piece of it and not necessarily feeling like you have to be on someone else's timeline.
00:44:27
Speaker
Because I think we all think about it from the moment we are born until adulthood, we're on the same, quote unquote, the same timeline as our peers. like We are in the same classrooms as people. we We're always being compared against someone else and their progress, but it's you are your own individual. And I think it's Especially as women, like we've got to be more comfortable with creating our own story, writing our own book, all of those things. So yeah, agree 100%. I'm like, I had no idea the subconscious programming that these Disney princesses taught me. Oh my God, girl.
00:45:03
Speaker
I'm looking at Ariel like- and talking to your daddy like, I'm a grown woman. No, you're not. You're 16. Trying to live under or live above the sea. Girl, you better stay at home. Okay.
00:45:14
Speaker
Girl, you do not know what's going on Trust your daddy. Okay. I'm dying. Thank you so much for your time today. I will be sure that everyone has all of the links because again, business wise, you have your own thing going on. You're hustling still. So I definitely will make sure everyone has your contact information and I just really appreciate um today's conversation.
00:45:36
Speaker
Yeah, no problem. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of The Good Guide, the podcast dedicated to guiding you through every twist and turn in your career journey. If you loved this episode, make sure to leave those five-star reviews and share this podcast with a friend, loved one, or hey, even a colleague.
00:45:59
Speaker
If you have a topic that you'd like for me to tackle, check out this week's show notes for links to where you can submit your question. It might even be featured during the Q&A segment of the next episode.
00:46:10
Speaker
But first, make sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss a beat. Take care, y'all.