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Episode 9: Daughter needed to have a Power of Attorney
42 Plays5 months ago
In today's episode, we discuss a case where the adult child of an aging parent was struggling with a parent's significant medical decline while not having Power of Attorney and what this meant for their family.
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Transcript
Introduction and Importance of Legal Preparedness
A Daughter's Story: Legal Complications
00:00:38
Speaker
Welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm Dr. Barbara Sparrowsino, your host and um welcome, like I said. So one of the reasons why it is really important to work with me is because I can help you avoid and or minimize conflict and stress, right? And one of the things that in my experience has generated the most stress for families of aging parents is our legal issues, right? And let me give you an example of something that happened to Um, one of my patients now, some of the details have been you know changed to protect privacy, but, um, basically what happened was, um, there was a daughter whose parents, um, were older, right. And, you know, as our parents are want to do, they have different personalities, right.
Assessing Decision-Making Capacity
00:01:30
Speaker
Um, even though as they age, they tend to get very similar in ways, they still maintain their independent personality.
00:01:36
Speaker
And Dad was really good about having all the legal documents um in place and ready. Mom, not so much. She was a little suspicious. She didn't want to call death by um having these discussions. So unfortunately, what ended up happening was that Mom had a rather significant stroke where um she suffered significant cognitive loss
Power of Attorney and Legal Battles
00:02:02
Speaker
and was unable to really make um good well-reasoned decision for herself. And it is really important to talk about making good and well-reasoned decisions because that is the criteria for having capacity to make decisions for yourself, right? Because we can all make, I mean, look, in this country, we have the right to make bad decisions and people exert that right every day. And so medically, when we're talking about healthcare and whatnot,
00:02:30
Speaker
we wanna make sure that their reasoning is sound. We don't have to agree with their ultimate decision, right? But we have to make sure that they're they're integrating and using the accurate information, right? And so what happened was after the stroke, um mom wasn't able to really um integrate the information. She just didn't wanna do things because, um and it wasn't it wasn't logical. And so um she didn't want to,
00:02:59
Speaker
you know, there was there were some things that she didn't want to go to a and um ah rehab after after her stroke to get care, right? um But she wasn't able to go home independently either, right?
Early Conversations to Prevent Stress
00:03:12
Speaker
And she was adamant that she was. And, you know, not only was it going to be dangerous for her, but it was going to be a burden for the husband who would then be primary um caregiver.
00:03:23
Speaker
in that situation. And so what ultimately happened was that um the husband and the daughter had to go and petition for um to have their have her deemed legally incompetent and to have you know um guardianship over her. right Because at this point, power someone who does not have capacity cannot grant power of attorney.
00:03:48
Speaker
that has to be someone who makes a well-reasoned decision, right? So now you have to go before the court and this is a rather arduous process. You have to hire an attorney, you have to hire hire several clinicians, often psychologists and psychiatrists to assess the person and to say whether they are meet the meet the legal criteria for um not being competent to make their own decisions and then you have to go to before a judge, right? And this is very stressful for everyone because Mother is still sick, right? Still kind of, you know, not in a good space. um And now feeling angry and kind of distrustful of both the husband and the daughter. The husband and the daughter are feeling stressed and aggravated because mom's not making the decisions. Worry because mom is not doing well, right? Had this stroke and God forbid she has another stroke. um And ultimately things kind of settle themselves out as they tend to, right? In life things tend to settle down.
Supporting Aging Parents with Respect
00:04:46
Speaker
um But so much of this could have been so much of this chaos and emotional burden could have been avoided. You know, one of the things we talk about is that, um you know, difficult conversations are only made more difficult by postponing them.
00:05:04
Speaker
They are never alleviated by um giving ourselves more time, you know because rarely do we think about good ways of moving forward. We just think of all the ways that we're going to trip and fall. right um And that's why working with me is a good is, I think, imperative because I can give you a good a good roadmap.
00:05:25
Speaker
give you cues on what to say and how to approach it, right? Having a perspective. um Because just like with with um kids and monsters under the bed, the only way you can ever really convince a kid that there's no monsters under the bed is by showing them that there's nothing under the bed, right? and And that's what we can do with having these difficult conversations, right? By showing you having the difficult conversations is not the worst thing that can happen, right? there are things that are much more difficult than having these difficult conversations, right? The regret of not having had them, the regret of not having ah kind of opened the door, right? Because I can't guarantee that your parent is gonna be willing to concede all the things you want them to do, right? um But yet having the discussion opens up trust, right? Opens up um a flow of communication.
00:06:19
Speaker
Because what happens is sometimes, you know theres there's a lot of places to talk about parenting your parent. And I am not a fan of that verbiage because we are not parenting them. you know We are supporting them as they age. We are caregivers, you know but we will always be their children. right And they will always have um authority over their own lives. right One of the things that's different with children is that you know we parent them because they do not have authority over their lives.
Concreteness of Legal Issues vs. Relationships
00:06:48
Speaker
um And yet we still hopefully are allowing, infusing them with a sense of agency, infusing them with a sense of self, right? That we ought to continue to do with our parents as we're um caring for them, right? And sometimes, but we want to use the same kind of like, just do what I told you, I told you so just because I'm telling you, right? And that's not fair, because even though our parents may have deficits as they age, they may make it slower,
00:07:15
Speaker
They may have cognitive limitations or physical limitations. We should still treat them with kindness, right generosity, and you know value their their humanity. um And so one of the things that's going to be most of value to them is having these conversations and treating them like the adult they are, even if they are still experiencing some limitations. so one of the And quite frankly, one of the simplest you know, um
Holiday Discussions and Personalized Guidance
00:07:48
Speaker
difficulties that I help folks explore are legal issues because they're usually pretty pretty concrete, right? It's a document, it's illegal. There's reasons why, reasons not to. And so this is one of the things I like to tackle first, right? To explore first in my two month program with with folks because I feel like it's something we could check off the box, right? It can say, okay, that's done, right? Because
00:08:13
Speaker
All the other things that i that I think are important to discuss like relationships, caregiver how to be a caregiver and how to navigate your own emotional wellbeing, those aren't things that we can check off, right? Cause those are ever evolving. um But now that the holidays are coming, I think this is a really important time to really work on a script, right? And to figure out what your list of check boxes are and to figure out how to make this a very productive holiday season in both enjoying your your aging parents and making sure that you and your parent as a family are prepared for what's on the horizon. So please reach out, schedule a consultation. I would love to spend a half hour speaking with you about your needs and seeing how I can help you. And I look forward to um next week and our and my next podcast. Take care.
00:09:15
Speaker
good
00:09:40
Speaker
Oh good, oh my.