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Is My Child Being Bullied? How to Tell the Difference Between Bullying and Normal Friendship Conflict
1 Playsin 16 hours
Is everything bullying now?
One day your child comes home saying someone wouldn't let them play. The next day they say they say they are being bullied. As parents, we want to protect our children—but we also want to help them build the confidence and resilience to handle everyday disagreements.
In episode 93, I'm joined by Dr. Carrie Jackson to unpack one of the biggest parenting conversations happening today: Has the word "bullying" become too broad?
We're talking about how to validate our children's feelings without labeling every uncomfortable interaction as bullying, what true bullying actually looks like, and how we can help kids develop emotional regulation and healthy conflict-resolution skills.
Whether you're parenting a preschooler, elementary schooler, or tween, this episode will help you know when to step in, when to coach from the sidelines, and how to raise kids who can navigate friendships with confidence.
In this episode, we discuss:
- What actually qualifies as bullying
- The difference between bullying, conflict, teasing, and rude behavior
- Why more children are using the word "bullying" for everyday disagreements
- How social media and adult language may be shaping kids' perceptions
- Questions every parent should ask before assuming bullying is happening
- When parents should contact the school—and when they shouldn't
- How to validate your child's emotions without reinforcing a victim mindset
- Practical ways to teach emotional regulation and resilience
- Helping kids solve friendship problems instead of avoiding them
- How schools and parents can work together to support healthy peer relationships
You'll walk away knowing:
- How to recognize the warning signs of true bullying
- What to say when your child comes home upset about a friendship
- How to help kids develop problem-solving skills instead of fear of conflict
- Why learning to handle everyday social challenges is an important part of growing up
Guest: Dr. Carrie Jackson @dr.carriejackson on Instagram
About the Host
Beth Gaskill (Miss Beth) is a reading specialist, early childhood educator, and founder of Big City Readers. She helps parents support their children's literacy development through research-backed, science of reading strategies.
Follow Miss Beth on Instagram @BigCityReaders
Browse Big City Readers resources at BigCityReaders.com
Topics
bullying vs conflict, childhood bullying, friendship problems, emotional regulation for kids, conflict resolution for kids, resilient kids, social skills, positive parenting, child development, elementary school parenting, school behavior, parenting advice, emotional resilience
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
I mean, obviously, the takeaway is not that that bullying doesn't exist. Believe your child's feelings, but maybe like labels are for soup cans and not for you know like that old saying. Play Onwards!
00:00:13
Speaker
Play Onwards! This is Play Onwards from Big City Readers. yeah this ba Welcome back to the Play On Words podcast from Big City Readers. It's Miss Beth. And today I am joined with friend of the pod, BFF of the pod, really, Dr. Carrie Jackson, all the way from California. Hi, Carrie. Thanks for being here Thank you for having me again. i love being on your podcast. It's literally just like we're having coffee as friends and checking in about things and talking about the most important things for kids going on today.
00:00:46
Speaker
Yes.
Dr. Jackson's Work and Expertise
00:00:47
Speaker
And you share lots of tips on Instagram, but you actually have a practice in California. Can you, if they've missed your other episodes, can you do a brief, like a little bit about what you do?
00:00:58
Speaker
Yeah, so i am a child psychologist in private practice in San Diego, California, which is a lovely area. And I see kids and teens for therapy. So like I help them like understand their emotions. And I also help parents to know how to best parent their kids because that's a really big part of their mental health. But I also do evaluations to determine does somebody have ADHD or dyslexia. or autism, just to give a little context about what I do in my professional life.
00:01:29
Speaker
I love
Understanding Bullying: Misconceptions and Definitions
00:01:30
Speaker
it. What we are talking about today is the phrase that I am hearing in schools and from parents all the time. It's they're bullying me. And so we're gonna talk about bullying today. But ADHD and pregnancy, do you have any thoughts on that? Because I've had some doctors say that you can't take ADHD medicine when you're pregnant and some are like, it's fine. And I ultimately am not because like I think my hormones are working differently. Like I functioning pretty highly pregnant um after the first 20 weeks. But yeah, do have you heard anything about that? Yes. So I attended a conference in January in San Diego. It's like the annual ADHD conference. And they had a big part on like women perimenopause and also pregnancy and hormones. First off, make a huge difference in your ADHD symptoms. Yeah. Because the increase in estrogen or the decrease in estrogen can make your symptoms either better or worse. And during pregnancy, most women experience an improvement in their symptoms.
00:02:33
Speaker
Like how you were saying, and I've had other friends say the same thing too. um But oftentimes afterwards, they might experience like worsening of symptoms because of the changes. So just keeping that in mind. But at the conference, they also talked about how like, you know, it is different. generally safe to take ADHD medication, but you want to weigh the risks and benefits because of course there may be situations where it's not recommended for somebody, but it's not a blanket statement of no, don't do it anymore because in a lot of cases it does make sense. Like your mental health is a huge important thing to consider for your baby,
Interpreting Conflicts and Bullying in Children
00:03:12
Speaker
right? And so you want to keep in mind like how is your mental health with or without your ADHD medication?
00:03:18
Speaker
Yeah. I ultimately, like, I was, I, like, thought about it for a while, and I was like, let me just see how I do without it. And did, you know, some other accommodations of, like, was just making sure was prioritizing protein, outside time, not a lot of screen time right when I wake up, and also the hormones are helping. So I'm like, but I'm not saying I'm not going to go back after.
00:03:43
Speaker
Yeah. And like you said, like you feel like you can manage things right now, which is great. And that's really important. And like you're monitoring these things with a doctor, which is what you should be doing. Right. Yes. Yeah. I think there's so oh, my gosh, so much misinformation on the Internet and people are like, don't do it. Do it. It's it's just crazy. Yeah.
00:04:02
Speaker
Okay, good to know. Okay, so are you hearing this as much as I am? They're bullying me. And sometimes kids are bullying, but sometimes they're not. Sometimes it's just like, I've heard this from one of my nieces or nephews, and they were like, you know, somebody didn't pick them for their team. It's like, they're bullying me. And it feels like a lot of things are bullying. It feels like the waters have been muddied. you know, you said people are being told in school not to tattle. So then it's like,
00:04:30
Speaker
Certain behaviors aren't being brought up. Like, how do we help kids understand what is actually bullying and what is conflict or what is needing to just say, I don't like that, but that isn't bullying. How do we help kids with this?
00:04:45
Speaker
Yes. So I am hearing a ton about bullying with the kids I work with in my practice or parents who reach out to me online and they talk about it. And what I always do with kids in my office and recommend parents do is to just understand what is happening so that they can see like, okay, what is your child seeing as bullying, right? Because if you don't know what they're experiencing, then you're not going to be able to know what the other person did. Like, You said that somebody didn't get chosen for a group, right? yeah And I've heard that also where it's like not being chosen as a partner, right? That's something where it's like they're feeling that like they're being bullied. But when I talk to kids about bullying, I say bullying is something where it's repeated over time. It's harmful and it's hurtful. And then I get into like the different types of bullying that there may be.
00:05:41
Speaker
Do you think that kids are actually experiencing more bullying right now? Or do you think that we just have like more access points or like more like ah opportunities like social media? We're hearing about it more. Maybe parents, the anxious generation, you know, maybe parents are more involved than they used to be. So do you think there's actually an increase in bullying I think that there is more types of bullying, like the the online stuff that you just mentioned. I certainly think that that is much more frequent now because we used to not have all the opportunities for kids to unfortunately experience cyberbullying, right? And to be um talked about online and to be made fun of. And so in some ways, I do think that it's changing. But in other ways, there is a difference that I am at least seeing where kids are perceiving some typical conflict as bullying and harmful when it's just typical conflict.
00:06:43
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like kids are now hearing more words like toxic, trauma, gaslighting, bullying, often before they fully understand them, and they become catch-all words. And that doesn't mean that feelings aren't real. I just think that the vocabulary has outpaced understanding what's actually happening. You know like kids are like throwing around really big terms when it's just typical conflict of two nine-year-olds.
00:07:11
Speaker
Yeah, because even the word like bullying, I think is a very big term. And that's why you need to break it down for your kids and ask them like, what happened? What did they say? Certainly, there are times where like a kid has said to me that they are being bullied.
00:07:28
Speaker
they will bring up specific instances. And I'm like, that's really concerning. You know, that is something we should talk to an adult about. But other times when a kid does bring up a situation to me, i will talk to them about like, what is the difference between bullying and conflict? And bullying is something that is repeated and it can be physical, can be verbal. Somebody i saying something to you could be relational, which is like leaving somebody out on purpose. So Let's say that your kid, they go to sit down at a lunch table and everybody gets up and they're like, I don't want to sit here anymore because Carrie just sat down. Like that is a type of bullying
Guidelines for Identifying Bullying
00:08:07
Speaker
if it's happening repeatedly, right? And then online, like you said.
00:08:11
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, so I've heard that it's helpful for parents to use something concrete. So to give kids the three Ps, power, pattern, purpose. Is there a power imbalance? Is an older, bigger, more popular kid? Is it a group against one kid?
00:08:28
Speaker
The pattern, is it repeatedly happening? One argument doesn't equal bullying. One rude comment doesn't equal bullying, but repeated targeting is something we want to talk about. And then purpose, like was the goal to control or to humiliate you or to exclude you? Or was it just conflict?
00:08:44
Speaker
So, okay, so you said you tell parents to figure that out with your child, you know, was it just a conflict? So then what do you do with those feelings? So like, obviously, it's probably not going to feel good to your child to be like, well, that wasn't bullying.
00:08:57
Speaker
You're fine. That was sort of my parents. Not that they weren't supportive, but like, I think it was that generation it was just like, okay, you're fine. And I think there is some things to that a little bit because it teach it taught us our generation was a little bit more resilient than we're seeing now. But how do you validate the conflict and also tell them this isn't bullying, you know, without invalidating what's happening?
00:09:25
Speaker
Yeah, so you can always validate what they are feeling underneath it. So if they're expressing this to you, you can say, it sounds like you were hurt by what they did, right? So you're not saying, wow, that was bullying, you're right. You're saying like, you're really hurt by what they did, which you know, you can always agree with. And then you could provide like a gentle type of reflection to better capture what they're experiencing. So i see a lot of the times teasing that's more playful, being confused for bullying, right? So it sounds like that was teasing that really hurt your feelings. And harmful teasing isn't helpful either. Right. So like teasing, like by saying something like, I don't know, something where somebody is trying to be funny, but it is like a little bit mean. But again, if it's not repeated and if it's just like a one time thing, teaching them how it may be better to like talk to them. Right. Talk to the person that was teasing.
00:10:25
Speaker
But usually like you want to start with like helping your child in those situations be assertive themselves instead of jumping in to save them. Right. feel like there's... so Okay, I'm so conflicted all the time because yeah i am a... I'm deeply empathetic. Like, to a fault. Andy is always like, this is going to be your downfall. Like, I once cried at a restaurant because there were all these moose heads on the wall. And I was like, that was somebody's dad. Like, that was the dad of the family. And somebody just shot... like And it's like, I know. i know that that's not a way to live either. Like, that I need to, like, get it together. and You know, but how do you not, I don't know. I'm like conflicted because I want to have, okay, like I'm having this baby girl and we were playing in the lake the other day and there's this like four-year-old little girl that lives here at camp too. Her mom is a nurse and she's like so fun and resilient, I think. And like, you know, like the older boys were like, um I'll call her Sarah. Sarah, there's a bee on your head. There's a bee on your head, Sarah. And she's like, ah, ah.
00:11:32
Speaker
yeah and like trying to get the bee off of her head, but there's not a bee on her head. And then she like learned that they were laughing at her and she was like, and oh no, there's a bee on you. And she like splashed them. And it's like, they were teasing her. and part of me at first was like, wanted to be like,
00:11:49
Speaker
don't do that because she's like getting upset and I wanted to protect her. And then I was like, as I watched it play out, like she had fun and she interacted with yeah How do you, I feel like we, this, like we're trying to do so much, you know, like the don't say careful, all that stuff. But like, are we getting in the way? Are we making things worse?
00:12:13
Speaker
Oh man. Yeah. I mean, i am such an empath too. And like, I feel like it is so hard to that pressure to know the right thing to do. Because whenever I hear about a kid that is being bullied, if it's a kid in my office, or if it's a kid even teasing, or if it's one of my nephews, i get upset.
00:12:41
Speaker
pissed and like i don't I don't like it you want to protect them right like that is I think where most parents their minds go is like how do I protect them and like what you just shared is that you look at their reaction right and you're like wow how is she reacting in that moment and then I can decide how to intervene right like I mean, it sounds like she was like handling it very well and maybe enjoyed some of the teasing a bit, which some kids do. Right. And so like taking taking their lead on it.
00:13:18
Speaker
So maybe like pausing first before protecting thinking we're protecting and like seeing how they're handling it. Yes. They're handling it. Is that going to, I think like parents would be like well, what if I know that they're going to get upset? So I want to protect them. is that I'm being neglectful, like by not intervening sooner?
00:13:38
Speaker
I would ask, how do you know? Like, do you have a fortune ball that you can tell the future? Like, are you guessing off of past experiences, which is valid? But again, like, if you like just wait it out and kind of see how your child responds, it's really important to let your child have the opportunity to express their emotions without saying,
00:14:00
Speaker
you putting their emotions on it right because if you were to in that situation with the bee have have said to her like oh wow that's so hurtful that they are doing that it's actually like putting your emotions onto them and it we have adult emotions they have kid emotions they're not as developed in our way they don't have our past history our past traumas our past lives they are like more blank slates where they can interpret things themselves Yeah, i I think the best thing I read online was don't think that your child needs the parent that you needed.
Building Resilience and Conflict Resolution in Kids
00:14:38
Speaker
They're different than you. And I am like, okay, I know I was sensitive and emotional and empathetic, but like I might have like a girl that's like, I'm fine. Leave me alone. and doesn't feel as deeply and I don't need to parent her so softly. So, okay, I want to give you some examples and you tell us, is it bullying or just a conflict or mean behavior to help parents?
00:15:06
Speaker
Okay, yeah, let's do it. Okay, friend forgot to invite you to a play date one time. I would say that's typical. Typical, right? I mean, very typical. Yep.
00:15:16
Speaker
Great. Friend excludes you every recess for weeks. Is bullying. Yeah, likely bullying. Although I will say, is it intentionally excluding? any mean, or are they just like, maybe that friend is like wanting to play a specific game with a friend where it's a two-person game. So...
00:15:37
Speaker
So what would you say to a parent that says, like oh my gosh, this friend is excluding them. They're having such a hard time. like Would you be like, oh, maybe... Here's what my mom would have done. She would have she would have had a play date with that friend. She would have had me have that friend over. And she would have observed the yeah behaviors. And also kind of like, anytime we had a problem, she'd be like, oh, let's have them over for a play date. Not like, oh, I'm going to kill that kid. Which like we all hated, but it actually kind of...
00:16:06
Speaker
Makes sense, you know? Why do you feel like that makes sense? Because the conflict is probably not as big as we thought it was, you know? So if a parent is like, this friend is excluding them from recess every day, that's what the kid told them. We don't actually know the situation. Like you said, it could be that the kid just wanted to play something else. So if we had that kid over for a play date and like my mom could see that they wanted to play this, then my mom could coach me and being like, oh, they want to play this game.
00:16:33
Speaker
Do you want to play that with them? I'm imagining. Yeah. I mean, I actually don't think that's a bad idea if it's someone who like your child wants to still hang out with. Right. Like, yeah, I mean, like I have had conversations with kids somewhere where I'm like, well, do you want to hang out with them like during recess or like what do you want to do during recess? So like putting it back on them and what they want to do instead of making it about the other person is helpful. Yeah.
00:17:02
Speaker
yeah That is so good because we do focus so much on the problem, but like helping kids be like, what do you actually want to do? Why do you want to be with that person that doesn't want to be with you? like Yeah. And like maybe they don't want to play the games that they are playing and they actually want to hang out with another child. But like we need to like.
00:17:19
Speaker
Bring it back to them because I also think that like bullying at a young age is like very similar to like abusive dynamics like when you're older, right? And so if we're always trying to teach the kids that are experiencing being excluded to like, why don't you go talk to them? Why don't you go ask them? Like it creates unhealthy relationship dynamics, whereas we need to put it back on the child and be like, What is your goal? And you do have the power to decide for yourself if you want to continue to try and hang out with them or if you want to do something else. That's so powerful for kids.
00:17:51
Speaker
That's so good. So, OK, so maybe my mom should have done some more investigating before just inviting the the kid that was bothering us over. hey different times. Probably hard to like understand the best thing to to do. Yeah. Yes. OK, somebody says you're stupid. I don't want to play it with you one time.
00:18:09
Speaker
I think that could be very typical behavior in kids. um A lot of kids are pressing the boundaries, trying to figure out what is okay with name calling, what's not okay with like name calling. And like, yes, you do want to have your kids learn like that that's not a good thing for a friend to do. But also that sometimes like people make mistakes. And if it was one time thing, especially if they apologize, it's okay to move on.
00:18:35
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Do you think it's okay to give kids like language if they're like, okay, if they're like, this kid is bullying me, but it's just that they interrupted me. Would you say it's okay to be like, oh, that was rude and it bothered you? Or then is that kid going to go, is that, is it the wrong thing to do? Because then that kid's gonna be like, my mom said you're rude.
00:18:53
Speaker
mar yeah Yeah, I probably wouldn't label the other child's behavior as rude. I often don't like labeling in general. i don't like calling people like mean or rude or putting these blanket statements. I like to instead focus on what the action was of the other child or your child and describe how it made you feel. Because what I have seen happen so many times is like, That label just becomes the overarching view that your child will have about a person or a situation, and it doesn't allow for the flexibility that relationships need.
00:19:32
Speaker
Wow, that's so good. Okay, do you think that we're accidentally raising kids who fear discomfort? Yeah. Yes, I do. I haven't talked about this a ton, but I'm seeing more creators talk about this online. And I do think that, like, we have been, like, going probably so far the other direction because, I mean, I grew up at a time where I think that, like, it was very much so don't talk about emotions, right? Like, you... ah Don't cry.
00:20:00
Speaker
and i think that like over the past few years, there's been a lot more about emotional awareness, which is great. And at the same time, i do think that it has led to overprotection, which is just like not allowing kids to experience discomfort, fixing everything. And that does not build resilience. And it builds kids who are actually quite anxious.
00:20:22
Speaker
Yeah. We like to say here at our summer camp, are you unsafe or are you uncomfortable? Yes. Like, I help kids think through, like, things they're, like, uncomfortable with. It's like, is it dangerous? Right? and Because anxiety and uncomfortable emotions are normal. But is it something that is dangerous or is it just making us feel nervous, right, and uncomfortable? Like, it's ah it' a good distinction.
00:20:50
Speaker
but Yes, i I was a very nervous kid and I hope that I don't raise nervous kids because but because my mom was a nervous mom and my other siblings didn't pick up on it as much. But because I was an empath, I felt my mom's emotions like she hasn't even left the country. She's afraid of flying, like all this stuff. And so a lot of my adult years are spent on doing that because I was like, am I was I a nervous kid or did I just pick that up from her?
00:21:16
Speaker
As the child of an of an anxious mom who I love to death, i feel the same way. Like being empath also, like I soak up everybody's emotions. But I can remember my mom like talking about things in a way that I do think heightened my anxiety as a child. Like seeing your parents worried about things, right? And you could connect this to bullying if you see parents that are more hypervigilant and Yeah. Yeah.
00:21:49
Speaker
um do this thing yeah yeah so how much discomfort do you think that parents should allow i know that's kind of hard to to gauge but what do you think yeah Well, i I look at each situation versus like, okay, is this a dangerous situation, right? So like having the parents look at it like that. And first, if it's not a dangerous situation, then let's figure out what is a step that your child is able to take on their own. So you want to think about a series of small steps. Like, I don't know, let's think about like maybe if your child, they talk to you about like bullying at school and you determine like they're safe, right? It's not a dangerous issue. It was just a child that experienced one thing. i wouldn't jump in and i automatically go talk to the teacher. I would actually like have them experience some of that discomfort with that conflict And try and figure it out themselves, whether it's like going to a birthday party where that child is going to be there also and they might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but, you know, it's a safe space for them. You just want to give them like one step past what they're currently comfortable with right now.
00:23:05
Speaker
Okay. Okay. One step past. I like that. Okay. So we talked a little bit about what parents should say instead of that sounds like bullying. Like what happened? What happened right before that? Has this happened before? What did you do? How did they respond? How often has this happened? So kind of getting into an investigator role, not dismissing and not escalating. Are there any other phrases that you like to give parents to say it in this kind of situation?
00:23:33
Speaker
Well, I do like to have parents ask, like, is it harmful, right? Like what the other person said? Is it hurtful what the other person said? Because actually, like I've talked to kids where like sometimes they're they they're telling me something where I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is like scary like or is stressful. I don't want to scary.
00:23:51
Speaker
Sometimes kids will tell me something and they feel like, eh, maybe this is bullying. And then they tell me about it. And then they're actually like, no, it was funny, though. And I'm like, OK, so that's different. So just remind yourself, don't assume.
00:24:06
Speaker
um Yeah. what your chat is feeling that's good don't assume what your child is saying okay let's talk about teaching emotional regulation so we know not every uncomfortable feeling requires adult rescue so what can we do i guess you you mentioned like adults need to be more regulated to help their child feel regulated Are there phrases or activities or things that we can do to help kids build emotional regulation or or something like that?
00:24:37
Speaker
Yes. So build emotion regulation, your child needs to have a good emotional vocabulary. Mm-hmm. They need to be able to describe the emotions in themselves and in other people.
00:24:50
Speaker
To do that, you can start with things like watching a television show and a movie and labeling what you see the other characters are experiencing. Oh, they look really sad.
00:25:01
Speaker
Why do you think they're feeling sad, right? How could you tell they were sad? Oh, well, they were crying. Because a lot of the times when and kids are talking about emotions, they do not have the language to describe what an emotion is. They might say, i'm mad.
00:25:21
Speaker
And the reason I know I'm mad is because i was mad. Like they aren't able to describe their thoughts, their actions, or even like the body clues, like that body language. And those are all really important as a first step to teaching emotion regulation.
00:25:37
Speaker
Wow, that's amazing. Okay, I have a question about school. so yeah you know how, remember D.A.R.E.? but i don't even remember what she is for. Should I look that up?
00:25:48
Speaker
ah Yeah, Drug Abuse Resistance Education. yeah so the D.A.R.E. program is funny. Our 13-year-old was like, what is D.A.R.E.? And was like, oh, it was like the biggest part of middle school. you are you don't have it anymore. And we started talking about why it's no longer, and it's because it was ineffective at preventing drug use. And in some cases, it even increased student curiosity. Like, kids weren't aware of drugs. And then there's this drug program. For me, that is how I was introduced to drugs. I mean, I didn't do yeah drugs from it. But yeah talk about fear mongering. I yeah asked my parents if I could be homeschooled because of the D.A.R.E. program. I was like, oh, my gosh. I was in sixth grade and i was like, oh my gosh. Next year, someone's going to offer me drugs and yeah and I'm going to die. Like, that is what I learned from that. I did not learn confidence in saying no to drugs. Like, I just was afraid that someone was going to drug me. Yeah. um So anyway, it turns out that I was not the only one That's why they don't have those programs in school anymore.
00:26:54
Speaker
do you think that schools doing all this assemblies, all this stuff on bullying is actually causing more of a bullying problem? Or what happens when everything starts to be labeled as bullying?
00:27:09
Speaker
I love the segue from Dara into the bullying. um Well, because I do think that, like, I'm like, I feel like in a couple of years we're going to like, oh yeah, remember those bullying seminars? Like, that didn't work.
00:27:21
Speaker
Yeah, I am very curious if there will be any research on it. I mean, in general, large public health campaigns where it's just purely educational doesn't have a big impact on behavior change. So I wouldn't be surprised if just providing more education about what is bullying doesn't help.
00:27:43
Speaker
decrease bullying at all. I definitely feel like it is much more of something where there needs to be like specific protocols for how it's handled and making that very clear to kids and actually following through with those things. Because a lot of what I hear is that, oh, they don't do anything about bullying at my school. So like, I'm not going to report it. And so I think that's probably where I would see the biggest intervention um in terms of how it's handled from like a more school-based, more like um community perspective. But again, like i don't know what the data is actually like on that.
00:28:23
Speaker
Do you? I haven't looked at a lot of it, but it sounds like everything you're saying, though, makes sense with that. You're saying it really depends on the situation and the child. So, like, we need more information. When a kid says this is bullying, your first go-to is to gather more information. And so to be doing this blanket dot milk campaign, but you're being bullied campaign, like, it's just...
00:28:49
Speaker
You know, like, sure, could a lot of people have used more calcium and protein? Yeah, but but every person is so different. So, sure, could some kids in sixth grade have been offered drugs? Yeah, but a lot weren't. Like, so these, like, big blanket campaigns, I mean, I'm probably going to get some hate for this, but I think are part of the problem, these bullying seminars, it's not that specific that it can just be this blanket thing that goes across every school in the nation. And it's like, great, we covered it.
00:29:20
Speaker
Yeah, I just pulled up a meta-analysis and I found one that said that one anti-bullying prevention thing across it multiple studies was effective in reducing it. But i would need to look more at it because one of the things you just said is like it's a language problem a lot of the times. And I saw somebody post this study about how certain words basically are now So common and it's leading a lot of people to view typical behavior as like pathological, right? Like so certain like anxious behaviors as like the sign of an anxiety disorder rather than just anxiety.
00:29:58
Speaker
and I'll have to find that and send it to you afterwards. But it really does remind me of that in a similar way. That's good. I mean, obviously, the takeaway is not that that bullying doesn't exist. We don't want that to be the takeaway here. Believe your child's feelings, but maybe, like, labels are for soup cans and not for, you know, like that old saying. Like, it's, like, so cheesy, but it's, like...
00:30:21
Speaker
kids I never have heard that oh well that's probably because you're cooler than me I think it's like a saying for like some like educators said it in like the 60s or something labels are for soup cans and not for kids and we are just maybe labeling things too much and need to just be like believe your child's feelings you are hurt and then like give them the skills and the tools to work through that like okay Why do you think that friend did that? I'm sorry that that happened to you.
00:30:51
Speaker
And to note that every conflict does deserve attention and not every conflict deserves the same response. i think Yes. Yeah. I love like the like avoid labels when talking about it because like those labels are like essentially teaching your child how to view something else and to view it in a very...
00:31:12
Speaker
like exact like overarching way which is not what you want and the other thing is like don't problem solve everything for your kids and by problem solving i'm sometimes meaning like don't just tell them what to do right so if your child says to you somebody said to me like oh you're dumb I don't want to play with you don't just automatically say to them we'll walk away right when they say that like that's problem solving for them and also feels a lot of the times very dismissive when parents do go into that problem solving and so it is really good to let them feel those emotions and that discomfort because a lot of kids know what they should do in these situations actually
00:31:52
Speaker
Wow, that's good. i think, like you said, in not so many words, but learning to solve everyday friendship problems is part of growing up. Like that is part of building resilience. That's part of life. We're go to have conflict in the workplace when we grow up in our relationships. And, you know, if you're in a marriage, if you're parenting, like that's just conflict. Conflict is not bad.
00:32:15
Speaker
Yeah. And it's trying be there as an adult. Like, we all know adults who also need help with managing their
Conclusion and Contact Information
00:32:22
Speaker
friendships, right? And so you do you want to teach your child to manage these conflicts now when there's more opportunity for it and more grace, right? Yeah. Probably.
00:32:32
Speaker
Yeah, I think people are afraid. i think parents want to, like we said, protect their kids from a lot of things. But yeah like helping kids, maybe is there a way to help kids understand like conflict is good. That means that you care about their friendship. If you don't talk about it, that means you you don't care that much about it. but I mean, you don't have to say the second part. But I think as an adult, I think that like because I want to avoid conflict too. And yeah I'm like, no, this is good. That's how you get closer is by discussing the problem, not by ignoring it.
00:33:01
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's so important to teach kids about conflict being typical within relationships and talk about like what's okay and what's not okay, right? So like you could frame it as, oh, they like didn't want to play that game with you and you got into an argument. Like that sounds like you had a disagreement. So just framing it that way because you don't want to say like that was mean or they shouldn't have done that because then it's saying like that's not acceptable, which...
00:33:30
Speaker
isn't the type of thing that you want to teach your kids when it comes to conflict. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so if there's anything that you want parents to take away from this about bullying, conflict, conflict resolution, supporting your child, what would it be?
00:33:48
Speaker
I would say the biggest thing is to listen and believe your child and don't solve their problems for them immediately. Oh, that's so good. Yeah, because real bullying is serious and conflict is serious, but it doesn't mean that we can protect them from it. And it doesn't mean that like how we think protecting them is actually protecting them. Like we might be causing more of the problem. Yeah.
00:34:12
Speaker
Yeah, and I really want parents to walk away with that because you can do both. You can validate them and let them experience that discomfort and not problem solve for them. It doesn't have to be one or the other. So take that with you and then your child, they will be able to solve conflict and they'll be able to manage dis disagreements as they grow up.
00:34:34
Speaker
Okay, that's awesome. I have rapid fire questions for you. I did a question box on Instagram. Wow. Yes, I saw it this morning. I know. I know. And we got a lot already. Okay.
00:34:47
Speaker
I think you already answered this. Should I email the teacher after every complaint? No, I would clarify with your child first, like what happened. And like, that's also something I would talk to like the teacher about like what their like protocol is. Like I would say, yeah, a lot of the times most schools have like ah a way of handling this where like the teacher, they may talk to each kid individually at first. So get an idea of what the school's protocol is first. okay If a kid is being a bully, but your kid doesn't catch on, what do you do?
00:35:21
Speaker
I would say just like describe how like the other child's like actions, the bully's actions are making the other people feel. Right. So like saying like, oh, wait did you notice how they're feeling when they said that? Right. So then they can start to see that it's hurting other people. Yeah, that's good. What if another parent immediately labels every conflict as bullying?
00:35:45
Speaker
If they're talking to you, i would probably take the same approach that I would take with a child and be like what like, what happened? Because, listen, I also know that kids can sometimes stretch the truth, right? Or they might just, like, sometimes say things that don't happen and, like... You want to know what, like, that child is telling their parents, right? And you want to know what your child is telling you. So I would just take that approach of, like, back it up. What are they interpreting as bullying, right? What's happening? And then go from there.
00:36:17
Speaker
yeah they can call it bullying if they want, but it's, like, not always. um And that's theirs to deal with, and you can reframe that for your child. How do I validate feelings without reinforcing a victim mindset in my child?
00:36:34
Speaker
That is a really dumb one. Yeah. So I think like if you validate it once and then you like move on from it, that is going to help get them to see that you do care about their emotions, but you're not like wallowing in it. That's where I see a lot of validation go wrong is when parents are repeatedly like validating, right? You say, oh you sound really hurt by that. And the child says, yeah, I was. I was really hurt. and they're like Yeah, you were really mad. And it becomes like a venting session and like rumination where they're just spiraling over it. So just do it once and then move on.
00:37:06
Speaker
That's good. How do I help my child bounce back after a normal friendship drama? I think that this is for the parent. I would say don't worry about helping them bounce back. And for you more so, keep in mind that them having these these disagreements and these friendship trauma things are normal and they will find a way to work it out themselves.
00:37:29
Speaker
Yeah. like So like you don't have to worry that much about bouncing back. They're going to bounce back. Yes, they will. They'll be best friends with somebody tomorrow that you're like, yeah I didn't think you were. Yeah.
00:37:39
Speaker
Yeah. How did that happen? Okay. When to tell a kid to handle it versus talk to the teacher versus talk to the bullies, in quote, bullies' parents? Yeah, if there is something dangerous happening, like physical aggression, right, unsafe behavior, that's something where I would absolutely get somebody else involved. If it was like multiple repeated things, that's also, of course, where you do want to get other people involved. So those. Okay.
00:38:10
Speaker
Well, this is a good one. What if my child is the one being called the bully? That is a good one. And like... I mean, if your child is telling you, i would probably be like, what do you think? Like, why are they saying that? And like, I don't know, it's like, are they being a bully to other people, right? Because if so, then you might want to like correct some of their behavior that you witness.
00:38:37
Speaker
And provide them with feedback. But I would, again, go back to like, what does that mean? Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. This is last one is is a sort of long one and specific one. What if the other kid does things to just get a crying and screaming reaction out of my kid? Should my kid learn to ignore and regulate? Or is the other kid exhibiting bullying behavior?
00:39:02
Speaker
Okay. I honestly don't know if it is bullying because I don't know specifically what they are doing. Like, if it's something where there may be, like, yes, I don't know, like, kind of being funny. Like, keep bringing spider that they're afraid of or something to get them to scream or something. don't know. To get them to scream? Yeah. It could be considered bullying, right? And, like, if it's something that is repeated and, like,
00:39:28
Speaker
that maybe you have already talked to the teachers about, like, first of all, why are they bringing a spider to school? um I would then talk to the child about like, hey, it's not fair, right, that they are still doing this. And like, hey, we have talked to the teacher so they can try and do something.
00:39:46
Speaker
is it okay if I give you an idea for what to do? Right? So like asking them, like, is it okay if I give you and ah some advice or some tips and be like, hey, you can walk away. would say most kids when I tell them to walk away or norm, they're like, I've already tried that. And saying like, hey, that's normal because what do you think that the other kid wants in that situation? And they're like, they want to make me mad. They want to make me cry. I'm like, Yeah. So like sometimes it takes like multiple ignoring them and like really not letting them get to you. And it's really hard to do. Right. But that's the best thing to do in that situation. Gosh, I feel like it's so hard for kids to ignore and walk away. Like I've seen many situations where like I am ignoring them. I'm ignoring you.
00:40:29
Speaker
No, i know. And like, it's very, very tough. And so like, if it is something like where, like, yes, it's repeatedly happening, it may be worth it to bring in a teacher and be like, hey, like they're saying this is happening specifically during recess time. Can you like...
00:40:46
Speaker
Keep an eye out, right? Just so they know more about when it's happening. Because a lot of teachers may not see it yeah if they're not there. yeah Okay, those were all the questions we got this morning. um i Wow, I feel like that was such a rapid fire way to give so much advice.
00:41:03
Speaker
I love it because I love being concise with things. I love giving quick tips. That is like my style. That's fun. Yes. Good. That is fun. I know. Is there anything, anything else and that you've thought of on bullying that you want the world to know? The world, everyone in the world that listens to this podcast.
00:41:20
Speaker
The world. Yes. I actually thought of something while you were just talking and like, you know, we want to model not bullying as parents. And like, so you don't want talk about people with labels either, right? So it's really important that as a parent, you want to show that you are not talking about people in a bullying way, right? So kids will learn from what you are doing and like it's very important even if you're seeing other people on tv shows or in the news or in real life that are saying things that are unacceptable ways to talk to other people that you're pointing that out to your child because adults are certainly not free from blame either like there have been kids that i've talked to where
00:42:10
Speaker
They have been with their parent at some type of appointment and somebody has comment on the child's looks. And so I always say to parents like, hey, like it's really helpful to say it's never OK to talk about how somebody looks. Right. Whether it's something that is a compliment or not. um So just keep that in mind, too.
00:42:31
Speaker
That's good. and Actually, we told all of our campers we're at an all boys camp and we just told all of them this little quip to keep in your mind before we went to the social at the girls camp nearby. but it was the 10 second rule and ah is a social guideline like you shouldn't point out a physical appearance issue for other boys or girls.
00:42:54
Speaker
Unless they can fix it in 10 seconds. Like you have a booger in your nose. Yes. fix that. But I hate your hair style or your outfit or your it looks ugly. Like they can't change that in 10 seconds in that moment. Yeah. And I feel like those little things are like things that kids can kind of hold on to.
00:43:13
Speaker
Have you heard of the think rule? It's very similar. Okay, like, it's is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Like, if not, don't say it.
00:43:26
Speaker
Yeah. That's a little bit longer, though, so the 10 second is a good one. Every time there's a thing like that, I'm like, wait, what are they? Because like I just, someone was just on my podcast about labor and delivery and she taught me the acronym BRAIN. Andy andie I have been like, wait, what is it? Like when we're at the appointments and it's um like to be like, okay, is it, what are the benefits? what are the risks? What are the alternatives?
00:43:48
Speaker
Mm-hmm. I forgot what I is, but then N is what happens if we do nothing. So, but anyway, all that to say is that I can never remember acronyms. Literally, never. So think, I'm like, I've already forgotten it can you tell me one more time?
00:44:04
Speaker
Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring, necessary, and kind? That's pretty easy. I feel like I could remember that one. I have a photo of it pulled up right now, so I couldn't say it that fast. That's the only reason why I could. So.
00:44:20
Speaker
Yeah. But even if you, you know what, it's kind of funny because even if they're thinking about, wait, what is the acronym? They're pausing before saying something. So that is true. You know, I think maybe we can come up with some shorter ones to get to people. Let's do that. Let's do that. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Wow. This was so helpful. i I found it so helpful. I hope that all the parents listening found it helpful. We love having you here as always. Tell people where they can find you.
00:44:48
Speaker
You can find me on social media, on Instagram and TikTok mainly dr.kerijackson. And then i also have a website, which is drkerijackson.com, where I've got lots of resources for parents who have kids with ADHD or learning differences.
00:45:05
Speaker
So love it. I love it. And if you're in California, can they get on a wait list to see you? Yeah, if you're in California, I am able to see anybody who across the state of California virtually, but then also in San Diego area if you are local. Yeah, i do have a waitlist right now, but feel free to reach out to me or I know some good people too.
00:45:26
Speaker
Oh, awesome. Well, thank you for being here and we'll link all that stuff in the show notes. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you so much for being here. Yeah.