Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
The Moon is a Dog, on a Trampoline, with a Gun, Coffee Before Bed #2
72 Plays1 year ago
The second edition of our new podcast comes just a short 5 months after the release of episode 1. On this pace we will be at episode 100 in 2055 haha. Life gets in the way, sometimes you just have to let it. Or in less stoic words, we're back baby!
**Be forgiving of audio quality, I'm traveling for work so this episode was recorded out of a hotel room in Arkansas right outside of Memphis. Catch me on Microsoft teams flashing my gun like Ja Morant.
Credit to Microwave for letting us use But Not Often
Links to the boys Instagram:
Time Stamps:
Supported Monologue: 00:00-39:44
Songs of the Year (So Far): 39:54-57:34
Farmers Daughter: 57:50-1:27:35
Show Updates: 1:27:49-1:29:23
End Of Year Resolutions: 1:29:36-1:54:22
Outro: 1:54:35-1:56:09
Recommended
Transcript
Technical Issues and Podcast Origins
00:00:21
Speaker
The internet got us. There's no other way to say it. We got Bin Laden and then the internet got us. I don't know what I did, but this is gonna have to be an audio-only version of the pod. Which we're not ashamed of. There are plenty of audio-only podcasts. That's how they started? Yeah. That's what it is. I was pretty sure. I just didn't want to say that and look stupid, but I was pretty sure that's how they started.
Mushroom Purchase and Experience
00:00:49
Speaker
You know a lot a lot of things get started cars Podcasts I Got started in a way that I think will excite you boys recently And this isn't this isn't like you know I would never use that analogy in line like buying clothes somewhere Because I don't want anyone to misinterpret what I'm saying for sexual because of purely ism I tried mushrooms It happened
00:01:19
Speaker
How do you like it? In my life has started. Let me tell you about my experience trying mushrooms. So a few months back on the podcast, I came out of the show and I was excited to tell my buddies that a dude in a Hyundai Sonata pulled up to me, walking right out of work, complimented my cool walk. It sold me $20 worth of mushrooms.
00:01:39
Speaker
He had on a ski mask, but in like a Jaden Smith kind of way. Like I never felt like I was in danger. Like it's a stylistic choice. Yes. Yes. No, absolutely. Anyhow, I ran home to my loving partner, excited to experience bliss with my soulmate. After telling her how these mushrooms came to be, I was scolded like you would a cat who brings in a dead bird into the house. I brought it for you.
00:02:06
Speaker
well time passes time passes and my untreated ADHD symptoms begin to blossom in our southern heat and I'm guessing she must have thought I had a cool walk or some shit because shush comes to love and now she wants to do them with me the bish that's stinking weird
00:02:28
Speaker
So me, her, her friend Sarah, who works at the ocean, by the way, grind up the mushies and make some sort of weird lemon concoction. She does. She works. You did that. I didn't know. Yeah, that's like way stronger. Oh, dude. So here are my thoughts. I fucked up.
00:02:53
Speaker
I fucked up, but not because of how much I took or because of the limit part of it. I fucked up because both sides of me took mushrooms. Like, I don't know how it feels. Only mushroom Morgan knows how it feels. And that guy thinks the wooden pig with my grandmother's soul inside just blinked. Like, sober Morgan knows nothing of this.
00:03:12
Speaker
I wish there was another drug you could take before you do mushrooms that basically cuts your body in half.
Reflections on Mushroom Trips
00:03:18
Speaker
You would have one mushroom eye, one sober eye. One mushroom arm, one sober arm. One mushroom nut, one sober nut. And all the luck in the world to an in the middle sack that's supposed to hold it all together.
00:03:35
Speaker
I liked it. It was fun. How much did you take? Quantitatively, we split like a $20 bag and I don't know the amount that we had. It was a decent amount between three people. So I don't feel like any of us. I almost feel like I wish I would have taken a little bit more.
00:04:06
Speaker
But it was fun, it was disgusting though. When you do the little lemon tea concoction. Dude, they did it. I couldn't even look at it. I went in the yard and drank. And her friend works at the ocean. So she's got a strong stomach. She knew exactly what to do. They did the grind up thing and then they put the little lemon moisture in there. And it's this tiny little amount that I had to drink. Like an eighth of a cup, maybe even less than that.
00:04:35
Speaker
I go to drink it and I was chasing it with a coke. But when you drink it, the mushroom particles stick to the side of the cup. So you have to afterwards scrape the particles into your mouth. The sopping wet part. It was my nightmare.
Humor and Analogies
00:04:55
Speaker
It's like the worst type of pulp.
00:04:58
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, oh my god And I couldn't find a chaser that would do anything about the lemon taste to it cuz I mean that that part freaked me out too I like lemon, but something about the lemon and the mushy Made it so bad. Maybe lemonade. Nothing good. Nothing against pulp as a concept and pulp is like what it is I like it. It's funny like imagining just a bunch of pulp. This is always have to like
00:05:22
Speaker
This is kind of a pulp cast. I like pulp as an idea, but I don't want it in my orange juice. I want it out of my orange juice a lot. This is how people talk about gay people in public. Just do it in your own... If you like pulp, that's fine. I like it, it's fine, but I don't ever want to see it. I don't want to see it, yeah. I don't want to look at it.
00:05:54
Speaker
I can't stop looking when I see it. They're shoving pulp down my throat. They're trying to turn our children into pulp lovers.
Nature and Hallucinations During Trips
00:06:05
Speaker
All the teachers in school. I thought it was going to be way crazier of an experience though, but it was it was cool. I like going outside and looking at the sky. Did you look at the ground at all?
00:06:24
Speaker
I spent, your boy spent some time on the ground, I did. Did you look at any trees? Trees are also good. Yeah, I was crawling around this root of a tree. And it's not like I took cocaine or nothing. If you take cocaine, you probably feel like you could pull a tree out of the ground. I thought I could like pull a tree out of the ground, but like softly, like in a nice way.
00:06:48
Speaker
Like you could coax it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, essentially. Yeah, I had my fingers on the bark like like you would have your hand on the back of a girl's head. It was just kind of not felt like that thing was giving me head, bro. I do. It was an oak. I don't I don't know that I would do it. I didn't like the time commitment of it, I'll be honest.
00:07:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, all right, this is going to last a while. Last time was overwhelming for me. Yeah. But if we were going to rent a cabin for a weekend, I would do it in a context like that. Yeah, that's pretty much the only time I could be convinced to do it again, I think. But yeah, I saw the trees.
00:07:44
Speaker
like birds having sex and then it turned into like just like a heart beating and then like it was wild oh i wanted that so i had i had the notes app i was ready but i didn't write anything down funny
00:08:00
Speaker
I saw there was a bunch of like moving text-based tattoos on my arm. Like I was like, there was like V's and like A's just to like look like what Dr. Strange is making. Like it was like very like astral geometry and like sacred geometry. And it looked like the discs that Dr. Strange creates of just like text moving on my arms and stuff. It was a while.
00:08:28
Speaker
So, I don't want this to come off as insensitive, but do blind people get, like, dick from doing this? What do you mean, do they get dick? They would still get the emotional effects. I think they still visually, like, have... I'm sure they can, like...
00:08:53
Speaker
They have a three-dimensional imagination in some form, so it can still manifest like that, like in things like that. I wonder, do you think their smell would distort? Like they'd start being like, whoa, that's like geometry smells. I can see maybe some auditory. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's crazily auditory. Like some fuzziness to your. All your other senses are still also being affected. And just like your inability to focus
00:09:23
Speaker
like i feel like i'm always like onto the next thing extremely quickly i want to get like a ragtag group of disabled folk to try drugs with because i i just think it would be i think it'd be fucking sick to like be high and then hear about what being high is like for
00:09:46
Speaker
for those of my brothers who can't see, smell, or jump. There's no reason to do, don't quote me on this, there's no reason to do mushrooms with someone in a wheelchair.
Aftermath and Drug Hesitancy
00:10:01
Speaker
Because that's the same, their experience is the same as mine. But there's also no reason to actively avoid it. Right, like if it happened, you don't kick a dude out of the circle. You get out of here, you mean roll him out.
00:10:19
Speaker
But if I'm just saying if I could assemble my Avengers of dudes I'm about to do drugs with we don't need a wheelchair guy probably but I guess it depends the truck like is there is there a drug you would want a Wheelchair guy in the circle with you
00:10:39
Speaker
God, can you imagine doing MDMA with a wheelchair guy and you keep feeling the wheel on the back of your neck? You're like, dude, get away from me. He took some mushies. I don't know. He's super powered right now. Stop covering your mushies.
00:11:05
Speaker
Is that real people don't know when mushies I gentrified it you're like hushy on the mushy
00:11:30
Speaker
And I also think that it's like a, I had to go to work the next day and that was weird because I took them a little bit too late and I woke up all dopamine deprived. Yeah, the next day crash can be rough. The drive to work was, it was like 48 minutes and it wasn't like, it's not that kind of depressed where I'm like looking at every ditch thinking about what if, you know?
00:11:58
Speaker
It's just such a hollow pit in the way that you can't tell if the seat heater is on or not until you get there. You're like, oh, it is. That makes it. Fritz, would you try mushrooms? No.
Social Skills and Travel Experiences
00:12:17
Speaker
Would you try any drug is my question. And are you only saying that because you're legally obligated to not try drugs? No.
00:12:27
Speaker
That one felt fake. Can you see why that last one felt disingenuous? Not that I don't believe you, just the way that you said it. No. Fritz, I think you may be drugging right now.
00:12:43
Speaker
He's doing the Reagan strategy, he's just saying no. Sir, pull that loaded gun away from me. We don't know, Morgan's wiretapped right now and he asked us to switch to a phone so he can triangulate our location so the police can track the phone. Stay on the line. I'd be so good at that job.
00:13:13
Speaker
Keep people on the line while they try. Honestly, in a different world, you could have been like a hostage negotiator.
00:13:25
Speaker
Like, you would be really good at relating to the guy in there. Like, listen, man. What sports team do you like? He'd be able to talk for hours. There was a team, the guy in there, like, he's not sure he has one. Maybe not anymore, but in the 90s. There was a point in the timeline early on in your life before you worked at GameStop where all those GameStop selling skills could have gone on selling people not to shoot their hostages.
00:13:54
Speaker
It's funny because like that's clearly gone now and it's not that I don't have the social skills for it It's that I don't know. I feel like I'd be like I would try instead of convincing them to come out I'd be like dude, dude, can I come in and play Madden? You sound fucking awesome. Oh shit, like I'll be related to you He'll be like yeah, I've got a signed Ed Reed jersey. I'm like no shit
00:14:18
Speaker
Can I see it? It's like yeah I hear you're like family laughing, your kids laughing, but right now you just want to play something mad with me bro? I don't see how they can say no to that.
00:14:32
Speaker
I'm saying, dude, the new Madden just came out and I'm playing it all sad in my hotel room because I travel a decent amount for work, so I'm just like out here in Arkansas, dickin' off.
Exploring Arkansas and Dining Observations
00:14:44
Speaker
And every year it's the same game and we all get so excited for it. It's awesome. Dude, it's awesome. Madden is so awesome. And it's the same game I've been playing for 20 years and it's fuckin' awesome.
00:14:59
Speaker
Can you give me an Arkansas rating? How do you like an Arkansas compared to the others? Arkansas has treated me fine so far. The way I'm at in Arkansas is not. Memphis has been fun. I'm like 45 minutes away from Memphis. But I'm gonna go check out Little Rock. That's where U of A is. Maybe get this some shit there. I think I'm getting a tattoo at this like at a shop I randomly picked on Google in Little Rock.
00:15:31
Speaker
I'm actually, I'm saving my per diem. When I travel for work I get a per diem and it's 30 bucks a day to eat. So I'm not, I'm just trying to save money. I'm just gonna get a tattoo and I'm not gonna eat.
00:15:50
Speaker
Bro, I could eat for... Dude, I got a KFC tattoo. I'm so full. Teach a man to fish. Teach a man to tattoo a fish. Yeah, teach a man to fish. Feed him for... What? Catch a man to fish. Feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish. You feed him for his life. You tattoo a fish on a man. That man's full forever.
00:16:15
Speaker
That's the first thing you learn at tattoo school. You don't need to catch another fish in his life. He's got one right there in his belly. You guys convinced me I'm gonna get a fish. I could eat on way less than 30 bucks a day and normally when I'm somewhere for this long I've got like a kitchenette you know like a little stovetop full fridge but there's not one of those where I'm working.
00:16:39
Speaker
So I'm just in some random hotel, and I want to save money and eat at the place, but I don't like mushy food, so I can't microwave stuff. So I've got an air fryer and a rice cooker. I've got the bathroom looking like a meth lab right now. It's just so much going on. But TBD on the Arkansas rating. I don't love where I'm at right now, but maybe Little Rock will be cooler.
00:17:12
Speaker
Interesting. Just curious. One last thing I'll speak on that is that the TripAdvisor page for small towns like the one I'm in is so funny. The town I'm in is a town called Forest City. And you have nice cities. There'll be a restaurant in the hotel.
00:17:27
Speaker
You know, there's like the Ruth's Chris in the Hyatt Regency that you like it's got the parking garage connected to it the nicest restaurant on the TripAdvisor in this town is a Mexican restaurant that's in the days in motel and Nothing against the days in but I don't want there to be a restaurant in a hotel That has doors for the rooms on the outside of the building
00:17:56
Speaker
I don't know. I grew up poor. I'm not, I'm not above food.
Creative Drinking Hack and Pacts
00:17:59
Speaker
I just feel like that can't be the best restaurant in town. Maybe it's just the best review. I guess I get, but people keep telling me like, man, you gotta, you gotta go to Don Jose's.
00:18:12
Speaker
Almost when I was in the parking lot today, there were a bunch of stray cats, and that made me like it more. I never trust what hot locations like Google says are in the town, because it's not really true. It's like, how are you going to really know a town unless you start talking? I don't know. You have people show you where they hung as kids. Just go into a bar and be like, hey, will you take me to some of the cool spots you and the kids and you say, hey.
00:18:40
Speaker
Go into the bar and ask for people to take you where they were when they were a kid. Dude, they're gonna take you out in the woods and shoot you. Dude, this fucking suck out here. This is where I used to play football.
00:18:58
Speaker
fucking awesome we just got my fucking earnestness you're right my earnestness going into a bar asking questions like that gonna get me raped or convicted I like the attitude I and I think you should start traveling solo more I feel like your stories would be good right desperately asking people
00:19:26
Speaker
Take me somewhere safe. Hey, where's safe in town?
00:19:36
Speaker
We just got back from Savannah. And we love going to Savannah. Savannah's so pretty. And the only thing I'll talk about over there is that I found this new hack for beachgoers. So at the beach, you know, one of the best things to do is to drink. But one of the best things to do is to read. And it's the only place, actually, that it's acceptable to drink beer and read. If you're at home, you can have some scotch and sit in your study.
00:20:06
Speaker
But to have a coarse light with a book is just bad vibes anywhere but the beach. But the beach is fucking awesome, kind of. But it's also hard because your hands are covered in sand, and your chair may not have a place to sit the beer. And if you sit the beer on the ground with the condensation, it may get sand all over it. So what do you do? Well, you get a koozie first. You probably have to have it.
00:20:36
Speaker
And the bottled beer koozies usually have the zip up, like how a beautiful woman's dress would have. And the zip up has this little circle thing on the end of the key chain and you could hang it on your toes.
00:20:50
Speaker
So you're sitting in the chair, you cross your legs, and you just put that thing in your pinky tone, you let that thing rest. Firstly, it's Instagram material. Yeah, I saw this photo. We all saw the photo. It's so practical. We're all thanking you that it wasn't behind the paywall. You're welcome, guys. I gotta start selling that stuff. There's no reason it's free. That doesn't make any sense for me.
00:21:19
Speaker
I got a... Let's see, what else has been going on? Oh, did I tell you guys about my pact that I made? No. Yeah, I made a pact. I found a guy. When you're a kid, you make packs all the time.
00:21:36
Speaker
I'll love you for the rest of my life. You and I are best friends forever. In a year, you and I will confess to the murder of Dalton James Dorothy. We're going to set things
Concerts and Camping Plans
00:21:48
Speaker
right. We're going to tell the world what we've done that night. But before that, we're going to have the best year ever. And then you cut open your hands, and you shake and spit and jizz on it, and you're bonded for life.
00:22:08
Speaker
Yeah, that's why that's why your hands have that little crease in between your thumb and your index finger That's where your dick is supposed to go in handshakes You jizz down that thing and make it official. I made a pact with a grown man. I made a pact with a grown man man Man, it felt good. Is it a grown man that you know? It's a grown man that I know now
00:22:33
Speaker
I now know a grown man, and we have a pact together I
00:22:47
Speaker
Fritz, shut up. We've got a couple bets. I didn't say anything. We're supposed to be on the moon like last year, I think. Or you owe me like $500, I think. Yeah, I think there's another $500 tied up in it, too. And I don't remember what the bet is. It's like if 21 people are, or if they live on it, will they say a day is 24? Is like, were they still saying day is 24 hours?
00:23:15
Speaker
Oh, man. I'm so bad with money. That's like another 500. Yeah, I get it. Look at that. Do either of you remember which way either part of that bet goes? No. Like, who owes who the money? I'm sure I owe him. I think I was pro-moon. He was pro that we would be on the moon and have like over like 21 people living on it by 2020. It sounded right. It sounded like we would by now.
00:23:46
Speaker
I know, man. I wanted you to be right, man. I wanted you to keep your 500. I didn't want to have to do this.
00:23:56
Speaker
I made a pact. This guy, I went to a concert. I went to a show that I liked a lot. It was a red jumpsuit apparatus show, and I could kind of get a shit about them. I didn't even stay for their act, but a Long Island punk band I like called Bad Luck was performing. Really great show. They just came out with a new album. It's fantastic. And I go, and I'm alone at the show.
00:24:22
Speaker
Which I love. I love to go to a show alone and just be a nuisance. Especially because at the end, when you cash out your tab, the guy looks at you and you have to sign for the 11 cores lights that you had. And this place had one of those square bars in the middle and there's all the different bartenders. So when you're to a number like 11, you gotta make sure you hit a different side of the cube each visit.
00:24:48
Speaker
Because each of these bartenders think I've had four beers. I think I'm about to go to an Alex G. All of these are always chill alone. And that's the move. Dude, FaceTime me in the bathroom, like halfway through. Because that's the best. When you get that first long piss out. So for any of your pisses at a concert,
00:25:13
Speaker
No, your piss has happened when they do. Let me actually talk about that. Let me zoom out real quick. Three beers in, I go to the bathroom and I'm like, okay, let's go. I'm gonna fucking get this piss out of me. The band I'm here for is about to play, because every fucking show you go to is like nine opening acts. It's like Jesus Christ. So I go to the bathroom and the red jumpsuit apparatus guys are standing out there and they're having a conversation.
00:25:41
Speaker
I go in there and I just walk right past them and I use the pump soap. And it's so weird. Like the way it comes out, it like spurts in your hand. You know when you're coming and that second burst comes out? You know, that's the that's the way this soap dispenser.
00:26:03
Speaker
Bro, you pump it one time and it spits a little bit in your hand and then there's a second spit. It's vile. It is completely vile outward. So I come walking out and there's a Kevin Hart trick that I really love using in public.
00:26:22
Speaker
Which is just, he's brilliant at drawing people's attention with his hand movements. Like, Kevin Hart makes sure you hear the punch lines of his jokes. And watch what Kevin Hart said. You'll see him do it every time. He'll repeat what he's about to say before he goes to the punch line. He'll look around, he'll hold his hands in the air, he'll pause, and then he'll say the line. So I walk out of the bathroom and I see all the guys there. They're taking pictures with people.
00:26:42
Speaker
And I just sort of like put my hands in the air, like not all the way up, just like up to my chest level. And I open my mouth and I just sort of look at everybody. And then when everybody is looking back at me, I was like, you guys seen the soap dispenser in there? And they said no. And then I look back at everybody. And I was like, it's weird. And I walk away.
00:27:04
Speaker
I think they thought I wanted a picture and it's so funny that I didn't. But I go to the show and there's this dude standing there.
00:27:20
Speaker
No, completely separate. I'm sorry. I go, and I'm maybe six deep at this point, and I walk up, and there's this dude standing there, and I go up to him, and I'm like, okay, now is the time to strike. Because when you're alone at a show, you can just be a nuisance. I'm just trying to be a conversationalist. I'm going up to everybody. I go up to him, and he's standing there with his girlfriend, and I say, what's the longest you've ever had your hair? And he says, what?
00:27:48
Speaker
I repeat, I say, what's the longest you've ever had your hair? And he said, I don't know. And then his girlfriend chimed in, and she's just, she told me. She was just like, he's had it like down to here. But she like volunteered it. And I'm like, look up there. And the band that was playing at the point, there was this dude with really long hair. And he looked awesome. I said, next year, you and me, we're gonna grow our hair out. We're gonna meet back here next year.
00:28:16
Speaker
with long hair and then I put my hand out and we dapped up and then I went on the other side of the venue so I gotta meet that guy there next year with long hair my hair grows up instead of out like I don't get long hair I just get like the fro
00:28:40
Speaker
But imagine me with like really long hair, like straight long hair, standing there with my beer, like waiting for the guy to show up. Straighten it. I'm like sort of getting sad, you know, it's getting late at the night. You know how my face lights up when he shows up? He likes.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, it's good you have to you have to And I move a lot so that like I got to talk to somebody you guys are my best friends And all we could do is do this show I gotta see someone in person I'd love to make a pact with you boys, but I can't shake your hand
00:29:33
Speaker
That's what it takes. It's funny to like, play in a meeting around like, now we gotta come up with something to have a pact around. Cause we can think on it. We should go camping. I feel like that's the best place that two men can make a pact.
00:29:56
Speaker
You want to make a pact on going camping real quick? You want to do a pact on the stars? We always have a pact on the stars on downward. A moment beneath the stars while camping. Dude, tell that story. That's so funny. That sounds as gay as it is. And that's the entire story, basically. All right. No, I'll tell the story. Tell it.
00:30:24
Speaker
Well, I don't remember what you said exactly right now. We went camping with our buddy Alex, who just got engaged. Shouts to the man. It's his birthday today, actually. Turned 27.
00:30:44
Speaker
uh... which is cool he's the he's the oldest one in our friend group uh... i'm second oldest i turned twenty seven soon this is like a he's a boy he's an absolute boy we went camping with him and it was me and Bradley and him
00:30:59
Speaker
Firstly, it was freezing. We went camping in this place in West Virginia, and it was fucking so cold. And me, Ian, and Riley shared a tent. So we cuddled up. We had no choice. We had no choice but to go up and drink some beers. It was so cold. We were by the fire, and we just wanted, someone would just see something and just walk into the dark of the forest.
00:31:27
Speaker
It was raining like it was so wet that you couldn't really like sit down either. It was miserable. So we walk in. Well, who walked into the forest first? Was it? Pitch black, middle of the night, piss ant fire.
00:31:41
Speaker
I think you were like, you walked to the car and I was walking to you and we just like intersected and you stopped me and like put your arms around me and you're looking up at the stars like fiercely. You're like, don't say anything. And then we just like had a moment, like just silent. I think it was a silent moment of just staring at the stars and you're like, this is nice. And then we walked back to the group.
00:32:18
Speaker
You should do whatever show I promise it was a consensual forest moment That's all we do here in Central Forest CFMs It was like
00:32:34
Speaker
we sat and looked at the stars separate from everybody else for like I don't know what felt like 10 minutes it was probably two minutes but we were like in the woods and when we were done we had to walk back to the fire and I literally I thought we were like a mile in the woods
00:32:53
Speaker
We were six steps away from everybody else. Everybody else was looking at us. Yeah, we were just like 10 feet from the campfire. But I do love when, you know, in the light pollution, you get a good look at the stars. Yeah, I know. We've got to go camping. We're planning a camping trip and we have to actually do that. That's important. Let's just make that the rest of this podcast. Oh, nice.
Military Job and Podcasting Concerns
00:33:21
Speaker
What are you guys bringing?
00:33:33
Speaker
I've got the tent with the screen and porch
00:33:42
Speaker
Oh, it's cool. What are the tent vibes? Are we doing two and two on our camping trip? Are we doing all four and one? Four separate tents? Two and two probably wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm sure we could scratch it. I think I might have another tent, like my dad or something. Dude, that'd be a good train. And if Fritz has a tent, then that's two and two already, though. Got it. Oh, I don't have a tent, but I need to buy one anyway.
00:34:11
Speaker
You look like someone who has a tent. Thanks. I'm going to take that as a compliment. You should. I have a tent. Prepared. Yeah, and you've got the mustache now? Yeah, I remember for my job, they were like, hey, you're going to have to go out to Missouri for a week, and you're going to go camping with these group of people you don't know. And I was like,
00:34:35
Speaker
Joy I get camping gear provided they don't know but you're going and I was like Okay, I guess and so I started buying like a bunch of this camping material and then like right before I buy the tent They're like, yeah, you're not going anymore. I'm like
00:34:52
Speaker
I just spent like 300 fucking dollars. Dude, you bawled out. It's so funny, you shouldn't say it now, but I want to draw attention to it. Like, anyone listening to you say that is like, what job do you have? I mean, I'll tell people. I mean, I'm not scared anymore. So I work for the Air Force. What do you do for the Air Force?
00:35:23
Speaker
I don't know if you checked the Apple podcast analytics, but most of our listeners are from Iraq or Iran. What do you do for the Air Force? Are you allowed to say that? I take photos on the photojournalists. Is that all you do for the Air Force? I also work in finance. That's it. If there's any Taliban listening.
00:35:54
Speaker
Huh? Do you remember? Well, I was going to say, if there's anybody listening from like the Taliban in the way that you can cut off a supply point by like cutting off a river and now they don't have access to water. If you kill threats, the Air Force doesn't get their paychecks.
00:36:14
Speaker
Do you remember, I remember when you left for Basic Training, we were doing a different podcast years back, and I think this is the only time I can remember you mad at me. You've probably been mad at me more than this, but you came back and I was like, oh yeah, and Fritz is back from Basic Training for joining the Army.
00:36:33
Speaker
And you were like, yeah. And you didn't want me to say it in the first place. And then I said, the Iraqi army is so mad at me. I don't know. I don't think I got mad at you. I think we need a playback of that. But I remember being so scared when I first joined the military of doing a podcast and having that type of outside
00:37:03
Speaker
Like essentially being an influencer, like is like how a lot of people view it.
Music Recommendations and Tastes
00:37:08
Speaker
And I just, I knew that like the military loves getting rid of people that they, they consider, they consider like a nuisance. Yeah. But right now they have a retention problem. So I'm good. Yeah. Dude, they need you. Is there like a military Livy done? I don't know what that is. You guys know Livy done. Nope.
00:37:31
Speaker
Really? She's like the highest paid female NIL athlete. She's like this blonde girl who is a gymnast at LSU, but she's like the chief influencer. She rizzed up baby Gronk? Yeah, Livy Dunne rizzed up baby Gronk.
00:37:51
Speaker
But I didn't know if there was like a military, like some smoke show that's just got a bunch of like Instagram followers in your office or something like that. Those are all CIA sciops. Oh yeah, no. Any time like a remotely attractive female or male start posting on Instagram about like military jokes, instantly assume it's the FBI or CIA doing a sciop to get you to enlist.
00:38:22
Speaker
Let me ask you one more military question and then I'll get off this topic so you don't get mad at me because I'm getting these texts and I don't appreciate the tone. If there's like a smoke show, what branch of military would you guess that they're in?
00:38:39
Speaker
So I'm going to go for Navy, but it's just because it follows that hotness crazy scale where they're going to be hot, but they're also going to be crazy. That's fine. No, that's fine. Water, water bitches. Oh my God. And to get a girl that like.
00:39:01
Speaker
Ian, to be with a girl you couldn't kill. I would love to get with a girl that could just absolutely fucking kill me.
00:39:14
Speaker
Oh my, a girl that is trained to torture men. That would be, okay, hold on, we're gonna, and we'll be white, black here in just one second. Damn, all my friends just enlisted in the army. Coming up, we're gonna do a segment talking about our favorite songs of the year. Talk about our favorite songs of the year. Boys, prepare your list. We'll be right back in just a second.
00:39:54
Speaker
Songs come out every year, which is no problem in my book. I think that's cool as shit. Sometimes there are years where a lot of good songs come out. Sometimes there are years where there's not. And I'm getting old enough that I don't know which years are which. 2016 was a good one. 2016. What are some 2016 songs?
00:40:17
Speaker
I think in terms of albums, usually, for that type of stuff, so like Worry by Jeff Rosenstock, great album. I think that was the white album for Weezer? White album for Wiggidom. Yeah. Classic. It's a good Deerhuff album. Pine Grows Cardinal came out that year. It's a lot of good stuff.
00:40:40
Speaker
Dude, I hope Trump gets re-elected. Maybe we'll get another Pine Grove album. That'd be fucking sick. We're ranking our top albums. I gave everybody the task to come up with three top albums, top songs, or top three songs that have released since January 1st of this year. Mine's also the, my top three albums are the ones the songs are from.
00:41:06
Speaker
Oh, hell yeah. Killing two birds with... killing two birds on stone. Were you all able to come up with three songs? Because that's nothing, right? I came up with one song. One song came out. You guys collectively had two songs that you liked this year. Does that mean that there aren't other songs that you like or that you just don't listen to new music? I like other songs. Songs came out this year are bad.
00:41:36
Speaker
I just, I've slowly recognized that the music I listen to has come out from the years before. I think statistically this makes sense for the average music listener that knows current music that's being released. It makes sense at least to you. I just don't hear anybody that's coming out with music. A lot of the people I listen to are dead.
00:42:05
Speaker
that's so cool i wish i could say that i wish someone would kill my favorite bands
00:42:13
Speaker
Oh, less cool, but still awesome. We're going to go in order. Fritz, we're going to start with you. Riley, it's your turn. And you'll go, and then I'll go. Fritz, what's your favorite song that came out this year? So my favorite, and also really the only song I can think of off the top of my head that came out this year that I have actually listened to, is Lexi Carroll's song called Violet.
00:42:44
Speaker
I don't know. I saw an Instagram thing when she released her song. And it was really catchy. And it's a very mood setting. I don't know. It feels like you're missing that girl next door, like you let her get away type of vibe. OK, hold on. Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec. We're going to listen to the first 15 seconds.
00:43:16
Speaker
Our body. We're going to get teleported through the phone into a music video. That's a tabling on there. Oh god.
00:43:32
Speaker
I tried to... Alright, a grave mistake has been made. We're calling back our buddy. Everything should be fine. I'll cut this in seconds. Hey buddy. Oh, voicemail. I got voicemailed on my own podcast.
00:44:01
Speaker
Hey, hey, I just played your voicemail to the fucking podcast. What was that about? Stop talking shit. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's my fault I Tried to play a couple seconds at the song, but I didn't realize my air pods are connected to my phone. Let's see Carol violet Check it out Riley what's your song?
00:44:26
Speaker
I've got to go back to Google to get the actual right title. It's Love Me As Though There Were No Tomorrow by Nat King Cole. Strong name. What is that about? Let's hear this modern, this 2023 classic. Yeah, Ian, play the first 30 seconds of every song we talk about. This came out in 23, baby.
00:45:23
Speaker
Let's go let's go play the first 30 seconds of Lexi Carroll's violet
00:45:28
Speaker
yeah if you could look it up because it's pretty sweet we'll just put your hand tight
00:46:03
Speaker
Oh, that's good. I think I've heard that one actually. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, it's one of those, at least from my perspective, a song that blew up on like Instagram and stuff. I like the album art for her. Me too. Yeah. Dude, let's go. Ian, look, we're going to go in order. We're going to go back and forth on our three, two, one. So, okay. So what, yeah, start, start with your three and then I'll go.
00:46:31
Speaker
All right, my three is gonna be the song 3D Country from the album 3D Country by the band Geese. They are like, I think Anthony Fantana described in his review of them that they're like dad rock for the dad that like left to get the cigarettes and never came back.
00:47:28
Speaker
Not a good example of the dad rock part of it, but it's good. There you go. Dude, hell yeah. I like that. I like them. They're good.
00:47:40
Speaker
My third song is called The Future Didn't Amount to Much by Raccoon Tour. I just stripped a little bit.
00:48:17
Speaker
I'm pounding the AC in this hotel room. That's the best part of being in a hotel, is that AC.
00:48:29
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Raccoon Tour is awesome. They're their new album. They put out an album called Denton Weaver in twenty twenty one. That's fantastic. It's like one of the best punk pop punk albums of probably the last five years. It's just like a sound not a lot of people are doing. But play play 30 seconds of that. The future didn't amount to much. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were asking me the OK. Yeah, I got you. No, you're good. I've got my phone connected. Yeah. Yeah. You said right now.
00:49:19
Speaker
This this is like this is the kind of song that's in NHL 24. Yeah, it's my favorite. We had we had Nick. We had Nick Ganberry and on the show earlier this year and we talked to about one of his songs that were on a previous NHL game. Like that's my style of music that I like. And what's your second one?
00:49:42
Speaker
All right, my second one is probably, it's a toss up between my favorite album of the year right now, as this one, or my next pick, but I will go with another title track from the album, Scaring the Hose, from JPEG Mafia and Danny Brown. Danny fucking Brown, let's go. Love Danny Brown.
00:50:15
Speaker
I think they were going to play audio. Some of this. They start quite soon.
00:50:38
Speaker
All right, well, that's 30 seconds. That's 30 seconds. Dude, that's that's good. Danny Brown is awesome. And he's so funny too. Dude, play it till the beat drop. That's fun. Let's do a second.
00:50:54
Speaker
First off, fuck you up, I'll stay gossip, much of this past expensive. I put a hole in the back of the crack, this black fucker, he's a bitch and I'm late to my house with the checkers. I can't understand anything, spice up the lookin' dimples. Off to the other copies of the situation. Shit, you can't admit this dude ain't what you want. I'm not the thing that's what you want. I'm not the thing that's what you want
00:51:17
Speaker
Dude, I 100% can see hamsters driving Ikea to this. Oh yeah. In vehicular combat. It's going hard. It's going fucking hard. If they brought that commercial back, going now with that song, it'd go hard. It doesn't matter who's playing in the Super Bowl. That shit's gonna bust. That was fucking awesome.
00:51:40
Speaker
Yeah, that's fucking and then Danny Brown is funny as fuck too My second song and I'm actually curious as to whether or not you guys have heard this is like a song that went viral that I just think is a phenomenally authentic and well-written song if you guys heard Richmond of North Richmond by Oliver Anthony and
00:52:05
Speaker
Country song dude out of Virginia play like 30 45 seconds. It's awesome
00:52:15
Speaker
I've been selling my soul, working all day, overtime hours, bullshit pay, so I can sit out here and waste my life away. Drag back home and drown my troubles away. It's a damn shame. But the world's got them too. People like me, people like you, wish I could just wake up. May it not be true, but it is.
00:52:45
Speaker
He got a good beard. As I say, that guy looks like half the people I know in West Virginia. That's real country shit. Dude, it's awesome. I guess he was offered like an $8 million record deal and he turned it down. Damn. Dude, Overnight Star. It's such a good song. Absolutely couldn't say more about it. The beard says green hive is vest. That's dirty. My number one, I'm going to give it to
00:53:14
Speaker
Satanist from the boy genius boy genius boy genius the boy genius record the record That came out this year The boys the boys are killing it. Let's listen to a couple seconds
00:53:59
Speaker
All right, there you go. Boy Genius is beloved. Everybody loves them. Uh, Phoebe Bridgers, Julian Baker, Lucy Dacus, is that how you say her last name?
00:54:10
Speaker
Yeah, I guess I think.
00:54:12
Speaker
I don't know if you've seen, so they're obviously so popular on TikTok, especially like Phoebe Bridgers is just like an icon. They're performing in France and it's a part of their performance recently. Phoebe and Lucy ripped their shirts off and a bunch of people on TikTok are talking about it. But the way that they're talking about it is funny because everyone's calling Phoebe Bridgers boobs, foobs, like P-H-O-O-B-S.
00:54:42
Speaker
She dusted out the food couple seconds of that for the boys. Yeah, let's let's get the food is on air real quick Like the trench up the middle of the thing it's a crazy show it looks like oh
00:55:10
Speaker
Ian had footage of that weirdly quick. Is that in your gallery? It's actually one of those like iPhone made compilations, like it's got jaunty music behind it.
00:55:33
Speaker
My number one song this year by a lot is my favorite band by a mile bad luck Which hopefully I'd like to have that long hair packed at another bad luck show.
Playing 'The Farmer's Daughter' Game
00:55:43
Speaker
So hopefully they come back to Greenville. Oh, but Couldn't play 30 seconds or so of books on tape. Such a great great little EP that they put out this year. I love this. This is a good song. Excellent.
00:56:13
Speaker
I think time is over.
00:56:54
Speaker
Dude, Ryan is great. Is he doing okay? Yeah, I just saw him perform at a little festival. It was awesome. At the Shinston Festival. Yeah, it's nice. You swing by my old apartment? I didn't. I didn't. I used to live there. I have a lot of memories. That would have been nostalgic for me if you would have. I bet.
00:56:57
Speaker
I just can't help myself
00:57:16
Speaker
That was our favorite songs the year. We're excited to revisit this at the end of the year I thought it would be fun to see if there's anything that comes out that dethrones this if there isn't we won't do another segment, but Coming up next we have a segment that we call the farmer's daughter We'll be back right after this
00:57:50
Speaker
She was different. It's not a family tree. It's a family chain. Well, they hated her. They didn't want her a part of it.
00:58:02
Speaker
We're pro-Princess Diane. I will not live for any of this slander. We're doing a segment today called The Farmer's Daughter. First time we're testing this out. I think this is gonna be awesome. So, The Farmer's Daughter is a merciless turn-based survival improv version of red light, green light. Which is a lot to understand, but hear me out.
00:58:27
Speaker
Players are placed into a fantasy world and given a task, which upon completion gives them a chance with the farmer's daughter. Almost every action the player will complete leads to their certain death. Can you win a game of farmer's daughter, you may ask?
00:58:42
Speaker
Kind of. In The Farmer's Daughter, players are placed in this world. I will give Ian, Riley, and Fritz their identities as well as their setting and a task. They're given that task and they must go in turns. It's very similar to D&D and then I'm just the dice.
00:59:06
Speaker
Ian will take his turn, I will decide the outcome of his turn, Fritz will take his turn, and so on. Until there is one remaining and the farmer's daughter is up for grabs. There is a chance that the game is not completed if the player is showing competence. I mean, her hand is definitely frail, but it deserves the best. It is the farmer's daughter. So we're going to jump right into this. Do you boys have any questions about the game or its contents before we start?
00:59:36
Speaker
No. Yeah, I think I get it. All right, this is the prompt. Real quick, before we do the prompt, we're going to do the order of operations. And I really need you guys to remember this. Roll furniture. So we're going to go Riley Ian Fritz. That's the order. Gotcha. Riley Ian Fritz. Round one.
00:59:59
Speaker
You boys are three mice brothers sleeping quaintly in bunk beds, tucked in so sweetly the night before by your mother. A lullaby is being hummed by the forever cat your father summoned to protect you boys. That is until the humming stops and you boys awake. You need to find out what happened to the forever cat before your father comes back home from the cobalt mines later tonight.
01:00:28
Speaker
All right, so first, I'm not even leaving bed. I'm going to let out a meow. Fantastic move. Riley lets out a meow that is met with the echo of his own meow and nothing further. All right. I'm meow. I'm meow too. I'm back. A red dot appears on Ian's forehead.
01:00:58
Speaker
A trigger is pulled, a gun goes off, and Ian has unfortunately fallen to a sniper tucked away in the tree line. You've made a mistake, my friend. Okay, okay. I also, meow. Fritz, your meow is met by the echo of only your own meow.
01:01:35
Speaker
All right. I will leap out of bed approximately 10 inches above the bed, like super high. You know what I mean? I'm assuming I'm on the top bunk.
01:01:52
Speaker
I jump out of bed just in case there's anything waiting for me that's going to intercept me on my journey up from bed. When you jump out of bed, the door opens on its own and hangs open. Can I look through the door and see what's on the other side while still staying in bed? You just have to say your action. You don't get to ask questions.
01:02:24
Speaker
Damn, okay, this ain't nothin' to eat. It's forever strong, it can't mean. I look through the door to see what's on the other side while staying in the bed. The bottom left leg of the bed breaks causing you to fall out and row to the ground. You're fine, but you've sustained a leg injury that causes a limp. Okay.
01:02:53
Speaker
By this amount of time, I have now landed on the ground like the ninja mouse that I am. And I'm gonna do like a cool tactical scurry run to the door. A car's headlights shine in through the window. You could see it's driving towards the room at a high speed, but it's hard to tell the distance. I pick up Ian's dead body
01:03:22
Speaker
and I fire carry him towards the door following behind Riley. That ends up being okay, that's fine.
01:03:40
Speaker
I will climb up onto the counter to get a better scope for the forever cats. You notice a puddle of oil on the ground. It's roughly three meters deep.
01:03:58
Speaker
You're actually boys you boys are up to your chest your mice chests in the oil. It's not three meters deep You're up to your mice chests and oil outside An 18 where Wheeler barrels through the bedroom you were just in it was a good decision to leave
01:04:16
Speaker
Are you in, like, mice-sized houses? Or is this a human... Are you mice-sized in, like, a human house? I'm assuming mice-sized in a human house? You're at the Radisson. No, it's... You're at a hotel, you're at the Radisson, but it's, like, a mouse... little quarters, you know? There are humans that also could live here, maybe. I don't know. Okay, I... I, uh, swim to get out of the oil.
01:04:49
Speaker
The oil climbs up your body and covers your eyes. You're blind for the rest of this. All right, I will also swim out of the oil and look for a bottle of Dawn dish soap to clean Fritz's eyes. You found a bottle. You clean his eyes, but to no avail. The blindness is set in stone.
01:05:18
Speaker
Okay, I take, I remove Ian's eyes and I remove mine and I swap them, putting his fresh set of eyes into my head.
01:05:36
Speaker
It seems that you've attempted to cheat the laws of reality in this world, which have caused Riley to also be blind for the remainder of this. Sorry, it doesn't work and now you've mutilated your brother's corpse. Oh my god, we're the three blind mice!
01:06:02
Speaker
You hear a faint meow from the corner of the Radisson, where the indoor pool is. I guess it's not a wee. I'll start meowing again to try and get whatever cat is over there over here. You're so close. Well, not whatever, forever.
01:06:27
Speaker
You hear a voice. It says in a country accent. You boys think I'm stupid. A shot is fired right in between you guys, cutting both of your ears in a way that looks like they were pierced otherwise. Engages.
01:06:56
Speaker
I look at the gunman, and I say- You're blind. Hey, hey, hey, you're blind. I look in the direction that I heard the gunshots, and I say, thank you, I was actually going to get my ears pierced later tomorrow, and I try to find their foot and give them a little pat pat. But I am not successful.
01:07:24
Speaker
The oil has become a current and is drawing you closer to the noise and the people and possibly the forever a cat. You're flowing in the oil. It's kind of fast. It's like a rapids kind of sitch. All right. So I use little mouse squeak echolocation.
01:07:54
Speaker
to work my way towards the forever cat. You're rewarded with the second turn. You make it down the hall, you're closer, or at least you think that you are. I meow again, hoping to find the forever cat. Frit's your turn.
01:08:22
Speaker
I slowly use echolocation hearing the meow from Riley and I follow him and I hear whatever that was and I say and I quote, what the fuck was that?
01:08:39
Speaker
Your echolocation detects a pipe near the top of the building. You're flowing at an incredibly fast rate and you need to do something so freaking soon. You notice there's only enough room for one of you guys to grab onto the pipe.
01:08:59
Speaker
Use Ian's body. Oh, okay. Yeah Yeah, so we'll use Ian's body as like a like rope to like sling around the pipe and then we'll both hang on to either end of the end. Your cleverness is rewarded. You each have guns now.
01:09:29
Speaker
I take a look at my gun and I'm like, you're blind. I feel what feels like a gun in my hand. And I'm like, I think this is a gun. Violence is not the answer. And I toss the gun away. I use the gun.
01:09:53
Speaker
to propel us up over the pipe and out of our predicament. The forever cat stops the flow of oil. You boys hang from the pipe, dripping from black Exxon sweetness. It looks at you.
01:10:16
Speaker
And it says, I've been found, but I've been taken over by a plant eating amoeba. The only way to save me and the both of you is if you were to shoot me with two different guns. If you are to shoot me with two different guns, you both will live and the farmer's daughter, I will take you to her. You can be with her until your father comes home from the cobalt mines. If there are less than that amount of guns,
01:10:46
Speaker
There are to be problems, understood. I look in the vague direction, blindly, and I just go, meow?
01:11:05
Speaker
i will strike a strike of light a strike of lightning rips through the top floor of the bradison all the way down to the pool where you where you are with the oil and stuff uh... it basically electrocutes the shit out of you am i still alive uh... yeah well i don't have two guns
01:11:33
Speaker
I'll try to take apart by one gun and turn it into two guns. You got more mouth hands that can deconstruct things fast. Yeah. I'm like Babu Frick.
01:11:50
Speaker
The forever cat turns around so you can only see it's triangle ears. You can't see anything because he's blind. Well, I'm describing what happened. Okay? So you can only see it's triangle ears and it's round head. It then transforms Hotel Transylvania style into a beautiful woman, the farmer's daughter. She says to you,
01:12:19
Speaker
You're here. Am I still having a mouse, right? Yeah, this is a mouse farmer's daughter. It's implied. If you guys are ever an animal, they'll be a farmer's daughter mouse. Wait, wait. So hold on. She looks at you and she says, you're here. I am.
01:12:47
Speaker
She comes closer to you and stands maybe six inches away from you and waits.
01:13:02
Speaker
I'll put the gun like in the back of my mouse pants. You know what I mean? Like gangster Carrie. And then I'll walk like a step closer. Riley, you've won the game. She pecks you on the cheek. She's willing to go no further, as this was traumatic for her as well. You've been awarded a kiss on the cheek, my mouse friend, to your fallen brother, and we may say rest in peace.
01:13:40
Speaker
don't be the second yeah don't be the second
01:13:49
Speaker
If anyone's keeping notes out there. Okay, round two. You guys ready for round two? Oh, hell yeah. I'm going to get the gifted farmer's dollar on the fucking lip, so it's weak. Oh, you better earn it. All right, so this is the prop for round two. Riley, very good job, by the way. Really, really good job. Actually, one more round of applause for Riley. Round two.
01:14:16
Speaker
You boys are lady bullfrogs who after a night on the town find yourself on the wrong side of I-10 just south of Houston.
01:14:34
Speaker
the moon is a trampoline and the dog is jumping on it he has a gun in its mouth you boys need to cross the road and get home before your boyfriends check your location and think something you bullfrogs or or some some of you guys are like hopping around on him or something
01:14:56
Speaker
Okay? That's the problem. You guys, just all you need to know is you're Lady Bullfrogs and you're on the wrong side of I-10 just south of Houston and that there's a dog on a tramp, the moon, actually there's not a dog, the moon is a dog on a trampoline. Let's jump it up and down and he has a gun in his mouth.
01:15:18
Speaker
And what about our boyfriend? Yeah, we had to cross the I-10, I'm guessing. You got to cross the road. You got to cross the I-10 to get home before your boyfriends check your location and think you bullfrogs are hopping around on them. Oh, hopping around. That's the part I didn't get. I didn't think we're cheap. Right. Is the same initiative? Yes. Actually, let's do a different order this time. Fritz, you're first in your second rally, you're last. OK.
01:15:50
Speaker
Fritz's first and a second, Riley's last. Let's do it. OK, so our objective is to get across the I-10. And we're bullfrogs. It is. Yeah, we're girl bullfrogs. We're all bullfrogs. Was there anything else other than the dog and the trampoline and the gun? That's it. That was it, OK. I mean, that's mostly it. The I-10 is that you're just out of Houston on the I-10.
01:16:18
Speaker
Okay, I'm just gonna inspect our surroundings and see what's around. Hell yeah. That was a mistake.
01:16:38
Speaker
You look behind you to notice what is not one, what is not two, what is not three, but four boy bullfrogs. They're on Instagram. They're taking pictures of you, or they're about to. You know that they're going to post that online and hashtag Houston, and that there's a chance your boyfriend sees it and murders you when you get home. Fritz, you get a second turn in this case. What do you do?
01:17:10
Speaker
I exposed my asshole to them because I know that Instagram filters won't let them post it.
01:17:21
Speaker
Oh, wow. That's incredible. The boys, the boy bullfrogs, the man bullfrogs, take an enormous amount of pictures. And while those photos aren't viable on Instagram, that does make your short-term future safe, they will end up on the internet. That will be a problem long-term for you, lady bullfrog frets.
01:17:43
Speaker
That's a risk you have to take, ladies. But my friend, you have gotten through the night. Ian. Um, I try to convince the moon dog to give me his gun.
01:17:58
Speaker
The moon dog jumps on its trampoline all the way down to the road and is hit by a car immediately. The gun smashed into bits and all of the sun's light now shines through. It has become day. People assume because it's day that they have to get up for work and traffic has increased by 50%.
01:18:25
Speaker
Oh, god. All right. Riley. I'm going to wait. I know the thing is to try to dodge the cars. But I think what I can do is, as a frog, I can leverage my jumping abilities. And I'm going to try to jump onto the first shorter car I can see, like a cobalt or something.
01:18:53
Speaker
You land in the exhaust pipe. Your body is being burned, but you're alive. It is a life. We'll come back to you later and see where you end up. This Chevy Cobalt will decide your fate. So I'm going to go to the dog's trampoline, and I'm going to try to jump over the traffic.
01:19:25
Speaker
The dog trampoline is still functional, and you have successfully, successfully landed over the oncoming traffic. Now standing in the median, only facing the other traffic. Okay. I, um, I close my eyes. I take a deep frog breath and I center myself. Uh, I,
01:19:54
Speaker
try to listen to the flow of traffic and understand its pattern. And I imagine that the cars going by are like bugs that I'm supposed to catch with my tongue. And I keep my eyes closed and I kind of like trust the DOW, the force. I'm one with the force, the force is with me. And I try to slow just one step in front of the other, walk across,
01:20:24
Speaker
the traffic. And then after 10 steps, I just launch my tongue forward and try to latch onto the pole on the other side of the traffic and pull myself to the other side.
01:20:41
Speaker
Most of your plan goes well, but your tongue misses the pole and hits a cop car. You panic as it hits the cop car and accidentally suck it into your mouth and eat the police. They had enough time to call for backup, but you have a couple minutes before they get here. Riley. Yeah, I'm in this cobalt.
01:21:07
Speaker
Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Your body's all burnt up. I'm going to leap out for the next Chevy Cobalt that I see. You have no ability to leap out. OK, well, the only way to go is further into the car, I guess. He's like, where are we at?
01:21:33
Speaker
Somewhere give me the full action. I guess we're trying to get to stuck in the catalytic converter Which because the Chevy gobo was stolen
01:21:47
Speaker
There's a gap there, maybe. Yeah, so I jump, but the exhaust still just perfectly shoots through where it's supposed to go. So yeah, I ride that slipstream up to the next end of the pipe.
01:22:02
Speaker
The catalytic converter was unfortunately stolen and your path was abruptly cut. However, you fell square out onto the road, motherfucker. You're fine. Uh, your body's all burnt up. You still can't move that much. But you're out of the car, and you're only about a mile down the road. You are in the middle of the lane, and oncoming traffic continues. Fritz. Um... I... am going to... uh, climb up... uh...
01:22:34
Speaker
the street lamp and at the same time I'm going to use my feminine tongue and stick it to Riley and pull him to the median.
01:22:55
Speaker
Everything in theory has worked in your plan, except you over calculated your feminine tongue's strength and accidentally swallowed and ate Riley. Riley has now been consumed and is dead. His body was burnt up and he was eaten by his friend. May he rest in peace.
01:23:18
Speaker
My frog just says, yummers. Yummers. Yummers. Do a frog. Frogs are fucking awesome. Yummers. Ian, your turn. Yummers. Yummers. Ian, I'm actually looking at it. They yell, they go like, ah!
01:23:48
Speaker
I'm gonna give you a little prelude to your turn. A police helicopter showed up with a minigun, but they don't know what they're looking for. They're not exactly sure what they're looking for, but they are there. Ice cream, it's him on top of the pole. He just ate his friend. He just ate that friend's friend. He just murdered her. She just murdered her fucking best friend.
01:24:17
Speaker
My best friend. The people in the helicopter didn't see you because you're a frog and you're like two centimeters wide. But a seagull did. You've been eaten. You were eaten completely. Damn. Really wasn't it? I'll get the farmer's daughter next time. Fritz, right across the road from you.
01:24:45
Speaker
The farmer's daughter frog is there dressed in a beautiful tuxedo skin farmer frog suit. He says, come to me. I can't believe that you've made it this far. So I finished climbing up to the very top of the
01:25:07
Speaker
light post and I used my web fingers, I stick them together to create a faux parachute to hopefully safely guide across the rest of traffic not being hit. You make it all the way across safely. It's unbelievable that this has gone as well as it has. You lean in for a kiss. He puts his tongue out. He's about to freaking French you. But all of a sudden,
01:25:37
Speaker
eyes open that aren't yours. Fritz and Ian, you died long ago. Riley, you're in the back of this, this cobalt Chevy cobalt exhaust pipe and you wake up from a trance. You would thought that you had died, but you didn't make it out of the catalytic converter because you had lost all mobility.
01:26:06
Speaker
Ian and Riley Bullfrogs have perished. The catalytic converter, Ian and Fritz, you roll through the exhaust system in the vehicle all the way to the catalytic converter, which has been stolen because it is a Chevy, but it has been replaced with the farmer's daughter, who you could be a total lesbo with. She stands in front of you. It's amazing you've made it this far.
01:26:37
Speaker
Your body is burned, but your mouth can speak. What do you say? It's amazing you've made it this frog. She thinks that's fucking so funny. She thinks that's so funny. But she's sort of problematic in that she thinks only men are funny. Which I don't agree with, by the way. At all, dog. At all. I think that sucks, is an opinion. At all. But she shoots you in the head. Damn, man.
01:27:09
Speaker
Thank you guys for playing The Farmer's Daughter. This has been a show that we call The Farmer's Daughter. That was the pilot. That's the end, unfortunately, of this segment. We've never had someone ask for more of the podcast, though, on the show. So we appreciate that. Coming up, we're going to talk shortly about the future of our show, where we are, and what we're going to do next. We'll be back right after this.
01:27:47
Speaker
We've been gone. Man, we've been gone. And not in the way that like your kid goes off to college and you have to pretend that you're not sad about it. You go to the grocery store for the first time to buy pickles and you're like, wait, Ellie was the only one who ate pickles. I guess I don't have to buy pickles. No, I guess anxiety and life got in the way.
01:28:10
Speaker
This is just a general statement into what's been going on. The show will go on, and it is going on now. We're gonna release this audio-only edition episode, and then ideally get back to plan A. Look, I'm a 26-year-old man. I'm sitting here with my other mid-20s dudes, and we're struggling in life personally, socially, professionally, the whole damn thing.
01:28:36
Speaker
But this is fun for us, and this is honestly one of the only ways we get to talk because I don't live close to y'all. So, it's something that we're gonna continue. This next episode is dropping.
01:28:49
Speaker
I think since it's audio only, I'm gonna put it out on the 25th, and then we'll be every other Friday from that point on. Um, hopefully. Life will probably get in the way again, but just to give the update, we're sorry that the show was on pause, we're excited to get it back, and it feels good to say out loud that we fucked up. You guys have any other comments on that? No, I love you.
01:29:16
Speaker
Love you, buddy. If we're getting the show back together, we might as well get our lives back together, too. Coming up next... ...End of the Year resolutions. Whoo! Dudes, if we're gonna live to the end of the year and there's no promise that we do...
01:29:40
Speaker
We might as well do it intentionally. And I hate that shit. I don't even like making goals and shit anymore. I used to when I was a little bit younger. I loved it. And I'm like, I'm going to be awesome. And when you're coming out of high school and college, you're like, man, I'm going to be the best ever. I love making life plans. God, does it get exhausting. None of them work out. You make all these plans, and it just never works out. And it's not because life isn't fair. It's because I'm a piece of shit.
01:30:10
Speaker
And when is that stopping? I don't think Biden's doing anything about that. There's nothing he could do to the country that's going to fix me. With that being said, we each came up with four personal, professional, creative, and wild card goals. We're going to go one by one, starting with personal. Riley, what's your personal goal by December 31st this year? I hope to acquire 30 more freckles.
01:30:37
Speaker
what is that just get more style however however needs to happen i want to look like a papa john's cheese pizza
01:30:55
Speaker
So what does that take? Is that you getting more sun? What's the plan? I think it's going to take some mozzarella in about like 425 minutes. So funny. So funny. Fritz, what's your goal? So my personal goal is to be better at public speaking or be better at hosting like podcasts. Hell yeah.
01:31:24
Speaker
I feel like you're on your way to that. Yeah, one of my main problems is I found that I don't... Sorry, for people who don't know, we just disconnected with Morgan. Yeah, so I know one of the main problems I have
01:31:50
Speaker
It's like just pronouncing certain words. A good example is I run a D&D show and there's a gang in there called the Philharmonic vampires.
01:32:02
Speaker
And at first, I did not know how to pronounce them. It took me a solid 15 to 20 minutes to actually properly pronounce Philharmonic vampires. And anytime I say it now, I have to pause. That way I make sure I say it right. But I want to get better at that stuff. Hell yeah. No, I love it. Is it just the public aspect of it, or is it just sort of like communicating in general?
01:32:32
Speaker
Uh, just communicating in general when it, on a more public format, because I find that when it's like personal speech, people like understand each other more. Uh, but I find when you really put out to an audience, uh, there are, they're more critical or have more misunderstandings of your speech. Yeah. You're making up for a lack of them. What do you call it? Implication. Yeah.
01:33:02
Speaker
Hell yeah, buddy. Good goal. Ian, what's yours? You know, personal growth for me is like so in the past. I'm looking at personal, like, arrested development in this next year. I want to grow in the other places. But so my personal goal is to play star field and become a space pirate. Yeah. I'm excited to play star field. That's my personal goal.
01:33:30
Speaker
Dude, hell yeah. That's fine. The game looks good. It's just No Man's Sky by Bethesda, is that it? It seems like it's going to be way more complex. If No Man's Sky was an actual game, yes. Yeah, it had good writing and you could talk to Quest system and stuff. Custom ships. Yes.
01:33:51
Speaker
that's fucking awesome let me know if it's fun i'll play it's probably just pc though right pc and xbox yeah game pass ah damn i fucked up welcome to the club brother but i mean you you have a laptop you can do pc game pass you can do cloud yeah you can
01:34:14
Speaker
I'll have to try that out when my internet, when I'm back home from working, so I'll see what I can do on it. My personal goal by the end of this year is that on this trip, working out of town, I'm gonna save enough per diem to pay for a tattoo that I can get in Little Rock. So I said it earlier in the show, but that's it. I've been wanting to get a tattoo forever, and I'm 26. And it's not that there's a time limit on it, but I feel like if I'm ever gonna have a sleeve or a high amount of tattoos, I gotta get started soon.
01:34:45
Speaker
Yeah. People like you're supposed to like leave some time between getting him. I'm pretty sure kind of too, right? Like if it's all in the same spot because it can like fuck up your skin. Yeah. So I, if I can just get one in on, on this trip, that would be, I'm, I'm gone for like three and a half weeks. So everything would be good. And then I can come home for my cat's birthday. He turned six and hopefully recognizes my cool ass with my fish tattoo or whatever I end up with.
01:35:15
Speaker
I'm definitely, I vote fish. I think fish would be funny. I saw a tattoo someone got Pikachu on their hand and a trampoline on their hand so that when they bend their hand he jumps on it. So that seems pretty attractive. But I also like the Portland Airport carpet. That's so good. I like a dog holding a gun on a trampoline.
01:35:38
Speaker
Honestly there's a couple inspirations from this one.
Work-Trip Tattoo and Job Aspirations
01:35:44
Speaker
That would be so good that the three blind mice covered in oil would be good. Riley what's your professional goal by the end of this year? To chip away more in my credit card debt.
01:36:00
Speaker
Hell yeah. Let's go. What company do you owe the most money to? Discover Chase. It's always Discover. Bastards. That's how they get you. They're like, oh, you're 19. You want an $8,000 limit? Here you go, bud.
01:36:16
Speaker
What's the APR on your Discover card? I don't know, I don't fucking look at it. I haven't checked my score in a while either. Oh, it's bad. It's like looking at your grades when you're in high school. Like, your brain is your mom and you are you. So if you don't look at the Credit Karma app, you don't have to show the report card to mom.
01:36:40
Speaker
I'm forging my own signature. France, what's yours? Mine is that I want to find a new job. Oh wow. So I currently like work in financing and like it's a good job and it pays well but it's just it's a full-time office job.
01:37:04
Speaker
Uh, that I realized that I want to do other things, you know? Um, so yeah, ideally by the end of the year, I would like to have a new job. Is that strictly you're looking for a new job with the American military? Are you open to like being poached right now? Um, you know, it's draft season. Uh, you know, Chinese military hit me up. Right. I mean, I feel like highest bidder for legal reasons. I have to say that as a joke.
01:37:35
Speaker
And that's, that's okay. We all understand. It's not. And also I know that that does not hold up in federal court. God, that would be the dream to have our podcast played in front of a jury of your peers.
01:37:49
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no. This was years ago. I went to this training. It was in Tennessee. And it was about video production. And I was like, oh, I already know about video production because I'm working with drive-by dogs. And this is when we were heavy into doing our videos and stuff. Second day of class, I walk in.
01:38:13
Speaker
and dry by dogs is up on the fucking projector and i'm like oh fuck yeah i i remember having to be like okay look don't just click on the first video because the most recent video we released was like anime thieves it was i fucking hate that video um but i was like play crime and punishment it's our best video it's hard to confront
01:38:40
Speaker
all of that in front of like anytime anybody sees like your art it's like so hard regardless of the quality of whatever you're putting out if someone like plays it in front of you it feels like the worst insult ever it's not it's literally not i don't know why it feels like that though fortunately enough everybody thought crime and punishment was so fucking funny that like i instantly gained respect for the rest of class
01:39:07
Speaker
dude let's go respect for it where were you at in Tennessee at that time right outside in Oxville I'm not entirely sure where you don't want to give up the base I understand that's fine good goal though and
HOA Rule Changes and Creative Goals
01:39:20
Speaker
you go make enough money to not start even get evicted
01:39:29
Speaker
and find a place to live and hopefully not be working at this job.
01:39:38
Speaker
dude triple threat goal well that's you guys are going through a crazy situation that i'd like to shed a little bit of light on um and then you so i used to live you guys all live together at the same house in pittsburgh and i used to live at that house with you guys and then i moved out and then fritz moved in
01:40:02
Speaker
There's an HOA in that neighborhood. It's a three-bedroom townhome. And I'll let you guys tell this, but it's pretty crazy. Yeah. So yeah, the HOA is, at the end of the month, voting to change some bylaws. And some of those bylaws, I feel, are directly pointed at us, such as,
01:40:28
Speaker
Only 10% of the people who are in the HOA can rent out goes by seniority who is in the longest, which our person is not. Another change is the person who can only rent out for three years at a time before they have to rent it out with somebody different, which would mean that we could rent it out one more time.
01:40:54
Speaker
if that happens. And then finally, the most important one that relates to us, they want only families to be able to rent these houses and not co-workers slash friends.
01:41:15
Speaker
I will fucking marry Riley. We were gonna fucking hang up. I saw a flag that says defund the HOA. I want to hang it really big in front of the house. Yeah. You guys move on and make sure the front of our house is clean and that should be fucked. I know we're fine, we're quiet too.
01:41:36
Speaker
What the fuck do we do? Leave us alone. Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? And I like like only for like three years. It's like you're not allowed to establish a home. That would be insane. Yeah. You're not allowed to like feel like you belong.
01:41:55
Speaker
It is funny that you guys have a chance to like... Dude, there's literally, especially on fucking Pittsburgh. But you guys can chuck and larry yourselves out of this if it came to that. If two of you guys got married though, would one of you guys have to move? That would have to be, they would have to adopt. Which by the way, we were asking about if there's a word for that and it turns out
01:42:24
Speaker
It's what the guy from the blind side had done to him. We could be your conservators You guys have heard that stuff right yeah, I just read that All right, but there's three of you
01:42:44
Speaker
Yeah, it's sports. Look, the way you guys always talk to me when I ask you about sports. I feel like it's equally as much Sandra Bullock as it is sports. What sport is Sandra Bullock? I'd play that all night. The blinds.
01:43:08
Speaker
There was that the first podcast we ever did back in like 2014, which is nine years ago, which seems crazy. We talked about how we had a joke that gravity and the blind side were basically the same movie because the plot of both movies is just Sandra Bullock orbiting around a big black planet.
01:43:34
Speaker
However, that was a first episode joke. Let's see, it's my turn for professional goal. Or is it... Yeah, no, it just went... To talk about that though, that's not... I hope... I hope non-homelessness for you guys. When do you find out exactly? End of August. Yeah, I don't know, that means either.
01:43:57
Speaker
God, we're going to know soon. You guys all FaceTime me. I want to, I want to sit with you when you find out, like, is it going to be a letter or are you going to get a call? I have a feeling they're going to probably put out a letter going, Hey, this is what passes is what didn't pass. And then our landlord is going to get that and go fuck. If it's a letter and it comes to your guys's house to FaceTime me before you open it, I want to be there with you.
01:44:25
Speaker
My fucking homeless friends
01:44:41
Speaker
My professional goal by the end of this year is to try to find better balance. And a lot of that comes with doing the show too. Dude, my job, my schedule is different every single day. And I work really long hours over time every week, which is fine. I could work in the coal mines. My life could be harder. But I don't want to work for the corporation I work for for the rest of my life. And I really like creating stuff.
01:45:07
Speaker
and I'm in a really serious long-term relationship, but it never feels like I have the time to do what I'm going to. And I'm not stupid enough to think that I ever will feel like I have the time, but I want to have a schedule where I can carve out at least a little bit of time consistently. So I think I'm going to ask for like a consistent day off or something like that. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it should be like, it's crazy.
01:45:36
Speaker
I know. But even then, if I use my consistent, that would be interesting. But if I use my consistent day off and someone who's not my girlfriend too, that's going to get me killed. So I almost need two consistent days off, which isn't happening. So I really need to get creative going to the drawing board and figuring this out. Riley, what's your creative goal?
01:45:59
Speaker
I want to get started on our game that we talk about making. Hell yeah. Dude, let's go. How did I not think of it? I was so wrapped up trying to think of like, fuck creative. I don't know anything. Dude, involve me in that, OK? I want to be in. Sounds good. Fritz, what's yours?
01:46:23
Speaker
Mine was I want to draw more. I used to really dig drawing back in high school, and I was always envious of people who could draw really well. And I just find that, in a creative sense, I need it more and more. And so I don't know. I also just miss doodling. I realize I don't doodle anymore.
01:46:53
Speaker
mostly because most of the time the paper that I'm dealing with is important adult stuff. It's totally fun. Yeah. Doodling is so pure. It's so pure. My mom, when I was growing up, used to doodle when she'd be on the phone with customer service. That's so pure to me. I never do that. I just have to keep myself from hanging myself all the time.
01:47:24
Speaker
the same
01:47:40
Speaker
well actually i can model for you for the tattoo or i can get a tattoo but i cannot do both don't worry i'll use a different reference there are plenty ian what's yours uh i want to dive head first into making like the type of like niche eccentric
01:48:01
Speaker
like TikToker, like online content that I can. I wanna make like educational videos about things like library socialism in a library whispering into the mic to not make too much noise. But just have it be like educational fun content mixed with like hand boning covers of pop songs.
01:48:34
Speaker
I'm gonna see one of that you can hambone like a motherfucker And dude the edutainment circle right now because I don't know if you heard Hank Green lived his cancers and remission So like this this is about to be a thriving time perfect time to jump back in Yeah, like more like like political Content
01:49:04
Speaker
Yeah. Call me this week. I'd love to. I'd love to just talk shit with you. That sounds fun. My creative goal by the end of this year is to, and this is very important. It's about damn time that I do this. I got to figure out whether or not I'm funny, man. Dude, I just feel like I've always thought that like,
01:49:34
Speaker
The biggest curse is not knowing how funny you are, no matter how funny you are. So like, my biggest fear is thinking that I'm funnier than I am. So I'd really like to ground it. I'm not completely funny.
01:49:56
Speaker
I don't know. I hope you're not true. You may be. You very well may be. But I'm just, I would hate to go through life thinking that I was funnier than I was. So it's about damn time to figure out just how funny I am. So you may ask, how may I accomplish this? How do I find out how funny I am? Well, I'm not going to ask people way too bashful for that. I think my goal ultimately is to
01:50:25
Speaker
Just try to like, try to write more stand up, try to get on stage a little bit more this year versus last year. And I think people will tell me. I think it will be obvious the more time I spend telling jokes, whether or not I'm funny. So we'll figure that one out live. Riley, what's yours?
01:50:54
Speaker
What's your wild card? Sorry. Yeah, I was gonna say. Before the end of the year, I just want to bake two looser bread. Love it. Bro, so good. Such a good wild card. Wow. Fam. First, it's your wild card. All right. So I have two because one, I'm kind of like, yeah, I want to, but I'll never be able to afford it, especially by the end of the year. I want to buy a pair of nods.
01:51:22
Speaker
night vision goggles uh... just because i think the fucking dope uh... but my real wild card is i want to try an ice bath i would do that that's cool you could i would do that that's cool we're just like i like the idea why do you use our tub you can shocking yourself into being alive yeah i just i don't know i see it all the time and like
01:51:52
Speaker
I know all these people do it and they're so calm when they go in and I just know that won't be me Is your go to get one or to be in one I'm sorry I missed it Yeah, like make it and get into one but like make one versus just like find one to get into I
01:52:16
Speaker
Well, if there's one to get into, like, essentially. He's at a party and something like the host is like, you're going to hop in my eyes. He's going to hop in. He's so good. But yeah, so let me know how that goes. I'm very curious about those. Ian, what's yours?
01:52:38
Speaker
I want to dig more holes. Doug got a good hole this year. Doug like this like a little fire pit put some like rocks around it make it look all like nice. They got some chairs around it made a little fire pit.
01:52:52
Speaker
And now I'm like, I wanna like dig and like do some like wild, like I wanna plant some trees and native wild flowers without asking permission from my local HOA. Honestly, that's what we should do when we leave. Yeah, we're gonna like to start planting. Actually, no, shut up, shut up. No, exactly. There's no evidence. Dude, that sounds fun. You guys have fun goals. I wish mine would have been more fun.
01:53:23
Speaker
What's your wildcard? What's your wildcard? Get on my yard sale game. I'm trying to... I've got way too...
01:53:32
Speaker
I've got way too much stuff and there's stuff we're saving for like we just started an account to save for a movie that we're writing and I'm saving for a house and saving for all sorts of stuff. Because just stuff is expensive and I've just got a bunch of shit that
Conclusion and Thanks
01:53:48
Speaker
I don't use. So either throwing away or selling the things that are not important to me is my goal by the end of the year. Nice. You know, yard sales are always a I fucking love yard sales doing them and going to them.
01:54:04
Speaker
Yeah, no, hell yeah. Get on our yard sale game. Hop on my Depop if you guys are listening. We're gonna pop back, quick segment. This is pretty much the end of the show. We're gonna outro you guys in just one second, but we thought we'd let you hear the song. It was no more time. Well, we made it to the end.
01:54:34
Speaker
And as an audio-only podcast, you didn't see us. Thank Christ. I just looked down. My nut has been out. I didn't even realize that. My seam was showing. Y'all could have untied me. I won't leave my cell phone or be like that again. We'll be back on video coming up. So this episode is set to release on August 25th. Episodes back bi-weekly starting September 8th.
01:55:04
Speaker
Thank you for sticking with us, if you did. Links to the songs that we talked about earlier in the episode, as well as our social media handles, will be in the bio of the podcast player that you're maybe listening to this through. If you're listening to this, there's a good chance that you know us. Dude, text me, bro, if you're listening to this show. Sound like a pretty good bud.
01:55:27
Speaker
Let's get a beer or something. Mommy, for listening, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. If Fritz's mom is listening, let's get a beer or something. How cool. Stuck with us. Appreciate you guys hanging out. Thank you. This has been Coffee Before Bed. One more sip of our drinks. Can we get a cheers for the boys?
01:55:46
Speaker
Cheers. Just an update. I got about two thirds through my gap, my half gallon of chocolate milk. And I'm about to finish off this tall boy. Good. Good luck to my wife's done with my jug of water and I've already peed out most of it. Bro got his peeing out of the way. He's going to wake up ready to work tomorrow morning. See you guys. Appreciate you.
01:56:12
Speaker
I've been spending all my time And you don't even know me We're always getting fucked up Why do you really need to know me? The roaches in my bathtub side Can roll their eyes with your crown