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Farmer's Daughter Capybara Edition, Coffee Before Bed #4
82 Plays10 months ago
Three episodes last year, one episode already this year who the fuck do i think I am? John Doe Rogan? My cats are fighting while I'm writing this so no link dump this episode.
We're going biweekly now, new episodes every other Friday starting today!
Music by my buddies in Microwave
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Transcript
Collecting Change: A Quirky Goal
00:00:21
Speaker
So ridiculously frugal in some contexts but I'm like really not frugal in other contexts and one of the things that I do is I take a lot of walks especially in the middle of the night and when I find change on the ground I'll put it in my pocket and I'll I'll take it to like a coin star and I'll put that in my in my wallet and then I'll say like you know what I'm gonna do I'm just gonna like
00:00:46
Speaker
I'm going to try to find like $1,000 this year and change on the floor. Set a ridiculous goal because I'm kind of like the finder.
Tipping Anxiety and Social Interaction
00:00:52
Speaker
I'm kind of really good at that. And I tried to- How often you walk outside, Morgan, when we talk? I think you could fucking do it.
00:01:03
Speaker
Dude, so I've always, I'm always finding money, but the second it's in my wallet, I've tipped it. It's gone. So there's no point in accumulating it. It's just like, why am I even picking it up? Because I'm just like, oh, yeah, I tipped $15, $18 in the car. Here's another $25 in cash. Well, if you think about it, you're doing a service, you know what I mean? You're keeping currency moving rather than letting it rot.
00:01:30
Speaker
I'm stimulating the economy. Yeah. Yeah. It's sort of like a Chiroc Corgunga edging strategy to get this nation back to what it once was. Absolutely. Amen. But the problem with if you don't tip at one of those places where you pick up, it creates this anxiety inducing like, ah, like,
00:01:56
Speaker
this person doesn't think I'm worth it, or sometimes they'll even have the tagline of like, and if you think I did a good job today, here's where you can tip, which is hard, and I'm anxious. I used to be so bad at talking to people. I'm getting better. I mean, I'm trying to, at least I just get really worked up trying to start conversations, and gentlemen, what I've heard the trick is,
00:02:21
Speaker
is basing what I say to start a conversation on how that person looks and is acting.
Awkward Conversations with Elders
00:02:28
Speaker
In what way?
00:02:31
Speaker
Uh, not like white ones, like regular ways, completely, completely fine and read. Hear me out. Okay. Well, I'm going to, I'm going to cut the amount of time it took you to say that I'm going to make it seem like you said it immediately. And then it won't hurt. Cause then hear me out. So like once you, once you've talked to one guy who looks like that, you've got a catalog started of what does and doesn't work. Yeah. I mean, I kind of get that.
00:02:59
Speaker
Morgan, are you judging books by their cover? I mean, you gotta, what are you going to read the book in the store? You have to, it's called, you have to enter flap brother. Well, if it's not on the back, I didn't know where they put it. I checked a bunch of the pages. It works. It absolutely works. You have to get your reps in with certain character types. And over time you figure it out. Riley Fritz, I'm going to tell you guys an example. So,
00:03:29
Speaker
I was really bad at starting conversations, particularly with older white men. It's just weird. What do those guys even want to talk about? Premature ejaculation? You love football. Talk football. Every old guy likes football. I know. Well, they probably don't want to talk about that, but they probably want to talk about premature ejaculation.
00:03:51
Speaker
knowing the old white men I know, and these are not football old white men, these are premature ejaculation old white men, and I know a little bit about them, but I'm not the king, I'm not the expert. I actually, I used to see this girl who would always want an Eskimo kiss, and I remember one time I sneezed in her hair, so I guess I could talk about that.
00:04:17
Speaker
This is how it clicked for me.
Elevator Encounter: A Metaphor for Anxiety
00:04:20
Speaker
You just have to meet people where they are, right? So about eight months ago, I was in an elevator and it might not be notable. I don't do that much. And I got out of the first floor and there was an older white man standing there with posture so good, it seemed like he was trying to prove that his back didn't hurt. Have you ever seen one of those guys?
00:04:42
Speaker
So we go up like the first three floors in silence and I was just like taking my hands already shake. So I look nervous even before I'm nervous, but now I'm nervous. So I try to break the silence and I say, uh, you know, I'm putting in a pool this summer.
00:05:01
Speaker
That's something that you do, that happened a lot the last time we hung out, is that you'll just lie for no reason. About nothing to someone that you've never met. You say it like that, like I'm lying to a bunch of people.
00:05:28
Speaker
He just told a story about that. He's telling a guy that you're playing in a pool.
00:05:34
Speaker
All right, well, it's a very true story. Everything in that story is about to be very true. And what I would like to say, though, about that story is that the last time we were together, we were at a hotel room, and Fritz said, hey, do you remember? You know how, like, you know how everyone used to think you were fake, right? I didn't say everybody. That's what some people. There's the most people. All right. Some people might think that you're fake.
00:06:00
Speaker
That hit me in the core so hard, I downloaded the subtle art of not giving a fuck audiobook. I will say he did start lying before I told him that though. Well, yeah, but I'm not lying about this, OK? Hear me out. So I say to him, you know, I'm putting in a pool this summer. And he grabbed my arm and pushed me up against the wall.
00:06:28
Speaker
Those are a lot more work than they seem, he says, as he landed a right hook square into my mouth, chipping my two front teeth. I looked at him with my like now gapped tooth smile. That's for my teenagers to worry about, I say.
00:06:44
Speaker
He pulls out a shotgun and unloads a round into my chest, piercing my heart. He either connects with me telepathically, or perhaps hears my heavy bleeding, distorts my perception of reality, and with the sensation of sound says, that's why you had him, isn't it? Swear to God, how crazy is that?
00:07:11
Speaker
Dude, the amount of fucking times I've heard that sentence is the reason he had kids.
00:07:18
Speaker
So he extends his hand for a fist bump. I think a truce is coming. I accept wrong decision. He picks me up over his head and begins to swing me around like a gorilla. I'm losing feeling in my limbs and gallons of blood. Just a few more floors. I tell myself, I was going to say, this is all in an elevator. It'll be nice though. They could have their friends over and whatnot. I managed to say quietly as my consciousness begins to evade me.
00:07:48
Speaker
There's nothing better than hearing them laugh. He says as he folds me into the size of a battery and uses my energy to power a bomb, the elevator dings. Oh, I was thrilled. I just couldn't believe this was over. I said, this you? My voice now minimized entirely and distorted from the flowing electricity. Looks like it, buddy. Until next time. And just like that,
00:08:17
Speaker
He walks out of the elevator and I realize anxiety is a bitch, but conversation is practice. The more bizarre they get, the more I learn and the door shuts behind the older white man. And I add that to my catalog or it almost does because I shit you snot. A hairy white arm rips through the door at the last minute. Someone else is coming. I gather myself and breathe a sigh of relief. It's another older white man.
00:08:47
Speaker
I know how to handle this. He looks down at my tiny electric body and nods his head. I emulate a head nod back to the best of my newly rectangular abilities. And you know, I swear to fucking God, we go up about three floors in silence, but this time it took a little less courage than the last. I told him, you know, I'm putting in a pool this summer. What did he say?
00:09:16
Speaker
Oh, I haven't come up with that part of the lie yet. Yeah, it's not completely clear.
00:09:29
Speaker
But it is true, I do think that if you just treat it like A-B testing when you're talking to new people and you're nervous because you're about to meet a girl and then you go and meet the girl and whatever you try doesn't work if you're just like, all right, shit, well, probably fart less next time or whatever the thing is. That's
Humor in Dating and Social Faux Pas
00:09:52
Speaker
probably a good assumption to start with, honestly. Yeah. Unless explicitly told otherwise.
00:09:58
Speaker
Even if you didn't know. Like you find out where's that could happen is. She says. Quit that and now you know. Can you imagine like. Years down the line, you're married, you know, like you're all sitting around like a dinner table with some like friends that like you guys.
00:10:23
Speaker
had like in college together, you know, it's, and they're like asking about how you met. They're like, oh yeah, everything was great. We went to this nice dinner, but you know, he just kept farting this whole time. And then you're like, well, you, you're the one who took me to that Muslim Marmaduke restaurant, Schwarmaduke. Schwarmaduke.
00:10:49
Speaker
You don't expect a man to eat a shawarma duke and not have something a shawarma duke about it. But yeah. But yeah, what? How dare you? No, this is supposed to be how it works. I say shawarma duke and then you say something and then I say something again. Something again.
00:11:17
Speaker
That's been my new thing that I think is really funny which is to if I ever say anything that's just like too weird or if I say something that like bother somebody like Sharmaduke and they don't know how to respond to it and they just sit there in silence like looking at me, I've been saying like now you say something.
00:11:39
Speaker
That is like one of the worst things you could say. I is right. I'm lying. See what I see, you know, see what I mean, Morgan. See what I mean. My fake ass. Yeah, you know about it. Fucker. What's been going on with my boys? How are you guys? Did we ever tell you or did I ever tell you guys about the time that me and Ian went to go see a quiet place?
Disruptive Moviegoer Experience
00:12:07
Speaker
I don't think so.
00:12:10
Speaker
Uh, we, we also had a pretty rough time, but it was one of those situations where we had absolutely no right to ask the person to be quiet. So for people who don't know quiet place, it's a very quiet movie. It's about, you know, you can't speak where the monsters get you. Um, it was me and Ian and one other person in this movie theater. And this was when I still worked at the movie theater and I instantly recognized the person because of their death.
00:12:38
Speaker
And so they had their little device But they made noises through the entire movie If you could just like just because I'm a bad like audio like help me out here But no, I mean
00:13:05
Speaker
This is a person who was just making noises. They weren't like reacting. No. Yeah. It's well, everyone. So I don't know how to explain it, but it was like they weren't getting enough air and then everyone. Well, they had to catch up like that. And so everyone saw you would just hear.
00:13:31
Speaker
And it'd be like really cinematic, like, oh, the creature's right there. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh. Hey, we're getting enough air. That's what it sounds like. Like, you know, we're.
00:13:49
Speaker
You know, like that's how they chose to breathe and like, cause they, like if we chose to breathe like that constantly, we know that that would make noise, but they didn't. So that's just a comfortable way for them to breathe, I guess.
00:14:02
Speaker
That's how they chose to breathe, and that's a comfortable way to breathe, is a really good figuring out what you mean.
Improv Game in a Fantasy World
00:14:20
Speaker
Coming up next on the show, we have the farmer's daughter. We'll be back right after this.
00:14:40
Speaker
It's not every day that a man is the opportunity to meet his bride. It's not even every other day. Even for the people who get married more times than other people. My dad has had a couple of marriages. I've had zero thus far. I hope my day is coming and I hope it's a day, but if it's several, if it's two days and I have a second bride, that's pretty sweet.
00:15:10
Speaker
It's not every day that you get to get married. It's not every other day and it's not my day today, but boys, it could be yours. I'd like to welcome everybody to the farmer's daughter. Capybara edition. Oh, those guys. You might be wondering at home.
00:15:29
Speaker
What is a capybara? Wrong question. Figure it out on your own. I'm gonna tell you what farmer's daughter is. Farmer's daughter is a merciless turn-based survival improv version of red light, green light. What does that mean?
00:15:44
Speaker
Players are placed into a fantasy world, players meaning Riley and Fritz, and given a task, which upon completion gives them a chance with the farmer's daughter, almost every action the players complete will lead to their certain death. Can a player win farmer's daughter? Kind of.
00:16:04
Speaker
It's Dungeons and Dragons, but I'm the dice, and there's no dragons, and the prize for winning the improv turn-based game is the hand of the farmers. Daughter, we have a prompt, gentlemen, and I think you guys will like it. Do we feel good? Are we ready? Yeah. Ready for ready. Farmer's Daughter Capybara Edition. Let's do this. Fevered, contagious, and cute as a button.
00:16:31
Speaker
You COVID-ridden capybaras find yourself in a small and chanting village known for its contamination circus that appears only after midnight. The South Hills Village, actually, or even more specifically, the South Hills Village Mall in Pittsburgh. Security loons are frog-handed. Game Master.
00:16:54
Speaker
digits with the keys. The keys to what, you may ask? The key of Sorrento parked outside the Great Clips, where the farmer's daughter sits scared and lonely. In a best two out of three match, you runny-nosed little demons must compete in the contamination circus to win her hand. But be careful not to get caught by more security. That guy has no clue all of this is happening. The first event.
00:17:24
Speaker
If either of you can love her better, maybe you can sneeze on sweaters. Infiltrate the American Eagle. By the time you get there, she'll be legal. First, contaminate. First to contaminate, the American Eagle is victorious.
Mall Store Contamination Competition
00:17:42
Speaker
Okay, sir, where are we starting from? Like, are we inside the mall? Are we at the Kia Sorrento outside the mall?
00:17:50
Speaker
You guys just saw, you're at the Great Clips inside of the mall. The Kia Sorrento is parked inside. It's being sold by Parker Kia in Pittsburgh. Okay. Yeah, so you guys are right by that. You see her, she's trapped in there, she's fucking terrified. You guys are cute as a button, but you're contagious, so that's part of us too. Wait, wait, wait, the farmer's daughter's in the Kia? Yes, she's in the Kia. Okay.
00:18:19
Speaker
And the game master, the frog handed game master is fidgeting with the key, deciding on who to give it to. He's going to give it to the winner of the best two out of three. The first event is to contaminate the American Eagle. Okay. So the first thing I do is I pull up.
00:18:41
Speaker
and I pull up out front of the American Eagle and I look at Riley and I go, look, all right, I respect you and I love you, brother. But I'm getting the farmer's daughter.
00:18:57
Speaker
And oh, yeah, I try to see my brother. I enter the store and I just start rolling around. I will wiggle my little capybara bottom and jump into the shopping bags of a passerby walking into the American Eagle and hope that they're going to
00:19:25
Speaker
the sweater section. Remember, it's midnight. No one is here. That was the security bag that you just launched yourself into and he's walking the opposite direction. I pull the fire alarm.
00:19:41
Speaker
look I don't look I love my buddy and if I had a chance to really win the farmer's daughter with no challenge I didn't deserve it in the first place so I try to cause a distraction for the security guard enough for my pal my buddy to get out of the bag and to join me in this competition again
00:20:04
Speaker
But as he does that, I head over to the sweater section as well. And I start using my cute little capybara nodes and I just start Eskimo kissing all over the sweaters. Do you sneeze? Do you sneeze at all? I think I sneeze. Well, what type of what type of sweaters are we dealing with?
00:20:28
Speaker
You tell me it's American Eagle. You've been in that. I go past all the sweatshirts. You know, nobody's buying it with that overpriced shit. I go to like the wool sweatshirts. I go to the fancy stuff and I sneeze. It makes my nose itch. Riley, he is contaminated and the competition was just first to contaminate. But because you guys each go, you each get a chance. The game master is fair. Game master is fair. What's your counter?
00:20:57
Speaker
since i'm already stealthily in the security officer's bag i will sneeze on his items before making my hasty retreat i'll allow it i'll accept it i'll give it to you that's incredible the security guard actually if you contaminate him it sort of contaminates the whole mall round one
00:21:24
Speaker
The Game Master says, Victorious by Riley. Wiggle your little capybara butt celebration. Man, what the fuck? He's a little jiggle. He has a little capybara jiggle. Fritz, don't get too down. Wiggle your little capybara butt, like I said, just because. I pull up and I wiggle. The second event, gentlemen, a sandwich with lettuce, chicken, and peppers
Absurdity in Improv Game
00:21:47
Speaker
adorned by an orphan while Jared makes cheddar.
00:21:53
Speaker
First to contaminate the subway is victorious. Well, subways down the escalator, right? It is down the escalator. It is, yeah. Which isn't turned on right now because it isn't. And your legs are, remember, very cute and little. But, however,
00:22:14
Speaker
I also have a soft belly, so I will leap onto the handrail, which I will slide down because it's a nice, clean, not sticky escalator handrail. Fuck it. I'm jumping. I'm jumping off. Fucking both of your ribs are broken by your actions. And you know what? Like both me and Riley's.
00:22:37
Speaker
It was worth it. Yeah, both yours and Riley's ribs are broken by the interaction. And remember, you're sick. You start to cough. Every cough rattles your newly broken rib cage. So I cough, but it's like a cute cough. Mine is not. I've got a smoker's cough. I may be a capybara, but I'd be freaking chiefing it, brother. Do it. Do it. Do it. I'm charging it up one second.
00:23:08
Speaker
I like stopped and I look at him and I put my little capybara paw on him and go, bro, you good? Never better. I'm like, all right, brother, let's go to the Jared zone and make my way to the subway. And I hop on the little counter and I
00:23:33
Speaker
I walk back into the little back room where they keep all the ingredients and I rip one open with my teeth. It just so happens to be the lettuce and I fucking start going ham-ski on it. Fucking face first. I eat a little bit of it because I fucking love lettuce, but I make sure that my nose is touching everything. While he is doing that, I run up to the self-serve soda nozzles and I do a sweet back flip
00:24:00
Speaker
and sneeze onto the already placed soda nozzles that they have ready for the next morning. It goes directly up into the fountain. You know what I'm saying? Both are near equal levels of contamination. I think I'll need a second contamination event to be able to fairly judge this. I will hop up onto the counter and sneeze on the underside of the retractable sneeze guard that they're putting in some ways now, you know what I'm talking about?
00:24:30
Speaker
the like little lowering fridge door. So that way, whenever they stock it in the morning and everything is like really full, it'll get all over that. I sneeze on the cash register and the card reader.
00:24:52
Speaker
That is disgusting! I love it! You win! You win the throne! But now you two are tied, and the third event, it must be brilliant. I need to see ridiculous levels of contamination. Bring your A-game, you cute little babies, your nub little noses, and your broken little rib cages.
00:25:19
Speaker
The third event. Nuns run around always spreading the gospel. Panties left at home, branded by Aeropostale. First to contaminate Aeropostale is victorious. So where is Aeropostale relative to us? I can't remember.
00:25:38
Speaker
I'm looking at the map. I'm on the website. I made up the escalator bit. I was about to fucking say it. I have no idea what mall we're fucking talking about. The South Hills Village Mall in Pittsburgh. It's just down from the Galleria off of 79 through Bridgeville. This is just a single story mall. This isn't anything crazy. So we've kind of lied a little bit, but I can cut that out. Does it?
00:26:11
Speaker
Am I wrong about, oh, no, you're right. There's the upper and the lower level. All right, let me find our apostle real quick. This is actually a very easy to use tool.
00:26:19
Speaker
The apostle is on the lower level. Let's see where you guys are. Oh, you guys are on the upper level right now. I think you might have had it confused earlier, Riley. Okay. That's why we broke our ribs because we hook in. We're not the smartest. We basically bounced ourselves off the floor. Yeah. You guys know how to get to the, um, to the bath and body works.
00:26:41
Speaker
the build-a-bear. Go to the build-a-bear. It's right next to the build-a-bear at the South Hills Village Mall. Where is that? I don't have it pulled up. That's the lower floor. Just go down the escalator and you'll see it near the middle. There's a Von Mar store. Yeah, there's the American Eagle. Yeah, right next to the American Eagle. You guys were there earlier. It's actually right next door. Okay. As we head there,
00:27:08
Speaker
I look over to Riley as a capybara, and in a chance to win it right here, I sneeze on him. I sneeze on him good. I cower covered in snot and goo, my capybara fur.
00:27:36
Speaker
And I look at Riley and I go, okay, I pull up, hop out at the after party. And I head to the store and then I start sneezing everywhere. I use my newly snot covered body to penguin slide my way down.
00:28:03
Speaker
And then as I have to go downstairs down the escalator, which I zoom down super fast, I build up a lot of momentum and start like like it like you remember Moon Ball, how we would just like yoink it in the studio and it would just like bounce off of a bunch of different shit like a bullet and like a in a bank.
00:28:33
Speaker
Yeah, but like, you know, I do that around the air files. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. You're disgusting. I love it. You hear a car door unlock. But then lock again. You ready for these keys, Cappy?
00:28:57
Speaker
Yeah, I was gonna say which one of us Riley is victorious winner of the farmer's daughter round of applause for all involved.
Humorous Bird Confessions
00:29:04
Speaker
Great job, gentlemen Hey, it's not a round of applause If you guys aren't you know, I hear it. Yeah. No, I know All right Other boy coming up next we have a great segment a new one. We're testing on the show We have the aviary up next right after
00:29:36
Speaker
We'd like to welcome everybody to the aviary. And let's start here. There are thousands of birds here in the aviary, and there's one thing that they all have in common. Well, flying probably, but guilt. It's guilt.
00:29:51
Speaker
Tonight, we will hear from three birds who all represent real people who have confessed real things online. After carefully analyzing each confession, we will make the critical decision. Let the bird out of the cage and get that secret off your chest or lock him up and take that secret to the grave. We have our first confession of the night, the first bird. What is a good name for this anonymous asker? Well, first of all, I'm gonna say that it is a
00:30:21
Speaker
white-tailed Trogan. He's a handsome little bird. He's a handsome little bird. He's a handsome little fucker. He's about to confess some handsome stuff, you think? Do you feel? Yeah. Yeah, I think he looks like a Jerry. What are your thoughts on Jerry, the white-tailed Trogan, just his vibes. Good vibes, bad vibes, just by looking at him. He's like that uncle that takes things a little bit too far but means well.
00:30:49
Speaker
i can see it yeah no i just i just pulled up the bird and yeah yeah he dresses really nice but yeah he uh he uh he doesn't know when to uh turn it off you know he calls the waitress sweetie oh that's a hard one jerry the white-tailed trogon let's hear you out buddy what do you have to say jerry's confessing
00:31:09
Speaker
I threw out my grandmother's ashes and used the box to hide drugs. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Being the degenerate hedonist I was at 16, I needed a place to hide my dopant pills. My parents were clever. It needed to be hidden well. Some place they would never think to look. One day I got to looking at granny up on the shelf, just a nice wooden box with an engraving on it. Lightbulb dot JPEG.
00:31:39
Speaker
I pick it up and notice the screws on the bottom. Betched the screwdriver and crack open Granny's soon to be not so final resting place. There she was, just a big plastic bag full of ashes. She was a mean old bitch, alcoholic, abusive, pathological liar. Nobody really missed her. Very few cried at her funeral and I think we were just relieved that the old hag had finally killed over. I didn't feel bad when I threw her ass in the garbage, still don't.
00:32:09
Speaker
Every time I visit home, I can't help but smile when I see that box on the shelf. So when we look at Jerry, the white-tailed Trogan, do we think Jerry should let the bird out of the cage, confess to his family, and get the secret off his chest? Or should we lock his ass up and should he take that secret to the grave? Fuck. Here's my thought.
00:32:39
Speaker
You didn't have to get rid of the ashes. Yeah, you didn't have to throw it away. How many drugs were there that there was a space for the ashes still? Also, how many ashes? How big was she? Or maybe you don't bow out a little bit, you know what I mean? At a place that she might have appreciated. Yeah, like go out into the fucking forest or something. And then like, but you only do like half. Yeah. That way, like whenever you leave, you still have a little bit of grandma left in there.
00:33:09
Speaker
I'll tell you what he was worried about. It was probably, he didn't want to smoke his grandma. He could just imagine a world where the drugs and the ashes get mixed somehow. Yeah, if she was in her own little bag, he could have kept them separate. What kind of bag do you think they used? Was it a Ziploc? Do you think it had the zipper or was it the kind that you had to press? Or was it vacuum sealed?
00:33:30
Speaker
brother I think I know I think it was none of that I think it was a plastic bag that they they did the little twirly on and they put a little tie on I think it said thank you six times on it thank you thank you thank you
00:33:46
Speaker
I think that was a smiley face and it smelled like Chinese food just like she would have wanted that enormous bitch It could have been a one of those bags that you put your pets poop in I mean pre poop obviously, but you know what I mean all like a thicker I don't want to call it vinyl but you know what I mean that like
00:34:06
Speaker
kind of nicer trash bag kind of feel like more of more of the heavy duty style trash. Yeah. Like the ones that are black and not the ones that like not the not the flex ones because those are too stringy. Yeah. But like the like the ones you have out in a garage that are like 55 gallons. Yeah. The problem with this is that he kind of gains nothing from telling
00:34:32
Speaker
his like folks about it, because like this is his family he'd be confessing to. And even if she was a mean old bitch, he's getting written out of a will immediately because he's just going to put Xanax in there. Also, you're crazy behavior for a 16 year old to be hiding pills. Like my moral side says, yes, tell them. But like, I guess I have to put myself like in his shoes. So. Oh, sorry. Good.
00:35:01
Speaker
No, you're just, you know, like if I found myself in that situation where I, you know, purposefully or accidentally got rid of like my with some of my family's ashes. Like, I don't know if I could tell them. Did he say how long it's been? No, but he said when I was 16 and he called himself a degenerate hedonist at 16. So like he's older. You have to assume he's like been able to reflect and is different now, at least sort of.
00:35:31
Speaker
Yeah, my question is, are there still drugs in there? No way. Not if he was a degenerate heatiness or my follow up. I guess like if if he didn't know that, like, I'm assuming, you know, he didn't that no one's found it, right? Yeah. The thing the box is still on display. You could go have a barbecue at the park. Right. This is charcoal. And then you get a bunch of ashes.
00:36:02
Speaker
You fill a bag full of them and then you fucking replace it. You Indiana Jones, that shit. You took the idol already. You threw it in the garbage and you got to replace it with a bag full of sand.
Moral Analysis of Bird Confessions
00:36:15
Speaker
Do you think the parents have even seen the ashes in the first place or did they just get the box? If they ever like, if they ever have a thing where they're like, all right, let's open it and like spread, uh, grandma's ashes.
00:36:27
Speaker
They open, they don't find anything. I think the first thing that's going to come to their head if they haven't seen the ashes before is, Oh fuck, the funeral home never gave us the ashes. It just gave us this fucking box. That's true. Oh yeah. But then did they call the funeral home and you know, they're, they like run the audit. Yeah. Are you telling me a morgue has an audit from like 15 years ago? No, but you can't pass the problem on to somebody else though. That's my objection there is that like,
00:36:57
Speaker
If that happens, the first thing they do is call that funeral home. They can't prove that they did it, but now you went from like, there was this problem that you created that you feel guilty about to you made it someone else's problem. That's not going to make you feel better. Now in 10 years, you're going to be writing this again, being like, now I feel guilty about this.
00:37:20
Speaker
Should I tell the funeral home that I actually was a I was sort of a degenerate hedonist at 16 But I was too scared and no, I'm zoomed into the picture of this bird by the way, like really big I Would also like to bring up the picture of the bird sort of while we talk but I I don't know I think that it's some level of
00:37:46
Speaker
It would feel incredible. Cause if you're confessing something, there's weight. Is there a way that he could say it? That would be like, does he have to say the drug part is my thing? Cause he could probably get it off his mind and not say the drug part. And it still satisfies that. Like what he's guilty about isn't the drugs. It's that grandma isn't in the box anymore. But what would he get rid of grandma for?
00:38:15
Speaker
Maybe he does the charcoal thing, right? And he puts the stuff in there and he says, 10 years ago, I took her ashes into the woods and I dumped them out. And I don't know why I did it. I wish I knew why I did it. I replaced it with charcoal and there's been charcoal in there ever since. And they're gonna be like, no, there's not. And they open it and there's charcoal, you know? Interesting. That's a good tactic. But that's just replacing one lie with another.
00:38:42
Speaker
Yes, but it like what he's guilty about isn't the drug part. What he's guilty about is that he did that to his grandma. He's still guilty that he threw her away, like in the garbage. Well, no, he doesn't even sound fucking remorseful. So now that I mentioned it, because he says he still fucking smiles.
00:39:00
Speaker
he described her description of her was, she was a mean old bitch. And if they all hated her too, maybe they don't even question it that much. Maybe he's just like, I was mad at her. She was so mean to me. And they're like, oh baby, come here. And he gets nuzzled into the bosom a little bit. I say my vote and we have to come to a unanimous. It's so important. So the majority wins.
00:39:27
Speaker
is that he does my plan, which is to lie about why it happened, but make it clear that it did happen. Honestly, I do think I have to agree. Because telling the truth, they're just going to be like, you fucking are doing pills when you're 16. You're a lunatic. He didn't write.
00:39:49
Speaker
and he doesn't want to be a Heaton. I mean, he was hiding them on purpose. He would have kept them out if he wanted his parents to know about the pills. What do you think? I agree to a certain extent of like, it's a good way to get it off your chest without reaping the rest of the consequences.
00:40:12
Speaker
Cause like, I don't think the parents would be, I mean, I think they would be mad about the drugs. I think they'd be more mad about the throwing away of the ashes because he might see the grandma as like a piece of shit, but mom probably doesn't, dad probably doesn't like, yeah. Like, you know, when they get older, yeah. You know, whole people get mean. It's what they do. Um,
00:40:38
Speaker
But I'm sure the mom or dad still has like really fond memories of that person. So. Yeah. So we all we all agree because I've changed my mind. It's no longer majority. We all have to agree on something. So like if we don't agree, we have to convince each other because that's funnier is why I think put in put in the charcoal. And then tell your parents. All right. So in some way, let that damn bird out of the cage, release that thing, Riley.
00:41:10
Speaker
There he goes. Second bird. No one else saw that. It was satisfying for me.
00:41:19
Speaker
The second question is, I released a bird who did horrible things. He's free now. He's free now. Do I have the, all right. Um, I'm going to read the title of this first and then, uh, we could decide what kind of bird this is and what his name is. So the second bird says to us, I altered a credit card statement for a customer because she sounded cute.
00:41:48
Speaker
What bird is this? What's her name? What's his name? What's the bird, Riley? Should I generate a new bird, or should I go to the next bird in the list of three? You guys get to pick. Generate a new bird. OK.
00:42:15
Speaker
Oh, okay. Victoria crowned pigeon. So I obviously, her name is Victoria. Uh, but the breed is also called Victoria crown pigeon. Oh, that's a pretty fucking bird. So her pigeon, I was like, yeah, crown pigeon says, I altered a credit card statement for a customer because she sounded cute.
00:42:42
Speaker
One time, I had to spend some time on the phones and customer service as a role in this credit card company. The customer was upset because she was supposed to get 90 days, same as cash rate on her Sony TV purchase, but she was late on that deal by three days. I thought she sounded pretty cute. Oh, and it didn't really impact my company that much if Sony lost some revenue. So.
00:43:09
Speaker
I offloaded her statement data and altered the payment date to make it look like the payment was satisfied to the conditions of her original purchase and sent her a copy of the altered statement. Should we let this bird out of the cage?
00:43:27
Speaker
Or should he die with that secret? Die with that fucking secret because absolutely die with the secret. Yeah. The only the only thing about telling the truth is means that your company is going to get mad at you and try to make your life fucking miserable. It doesn't help anybody. It just helps bigger corporations, which big corporations need a fucking fall. So yeah. And another thing about telling the secret
00:43:58
Speaker
If you tell someone this, it might impact their opinion of you. I only say that because how dry do your DMs have to be for you to be saving women money because they sound cute? You also don't want the reputation of being that guy.
00:44:19
Speaker
If you're like, yeah, I saved her money because Sony is some heartless evil corporation and America is fucked up and the capitalist XYZ, that makes sense to me. But you're just like, I kind of got a chub talking to a girl online. And I did old bitch a favor, quid pro quo.
00:44:42
Speaker
You know, I could see it from that point of view, too. So I mean, you don't want people. Yeah, yeah. It's one of those where like. If you had to talk about it, it looks like a valiant thing, but like also like it's not because your penis did a good deed. Good job. Let's keep it in its pants.
00:45:07
Speaker
Your penis has its own pants. Yeah. He has like a nice little pair of blue jeans. Got some slacks. He wears Levi's. Oh, fuck it. Like the stretchy. Yeah. Like the quietest wranglers. Working his way to Levi's. I'd like to be in Levi's eventually, but these wranglers fit me nice right now.
00:45:32
Speaker
Size 26 waist, size 34 length. Yeah, 2634. That's what size jeans I am. What kind of bird am I? Flamingo. That's a great dare as to like, uh, instead you do like the, I guess it's not a great dare.
00:46:00
Speaker
Yeah. Great game. Guess people's fucking pants sizes. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's possibly fun, too. It's definitely not a good dare. A good dare is take your bra off. A not good dare is pretend to have a funny pants size like Cole.
00:46:20
Speaker
That's only funny if I'm wearing your bra, Morgan. Oh, it is funny. I want you to take it off. I've been dying for me to take it off if I'm being honest, but I keep fumbling with the strap because my hands are so sweaty. I just get nervous around girls. Actually, last week I got so nervous on the phone.
00:46:44
Speaker
I waved to this girl's credit card interest. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. Let's, let's just, we're going to pardon bro, but like, let's, let's chill for a second and just say that like, you didn't even see her in person. A girl's voice cannot be doing that to you. You need to get out more, I think.
00:47:08
Speaker
But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she was like that cute sound. I've I don't know what that would even sound like. But yeah, the fact that he said cute is like cute sounding like like I know like there are certain things of like where people find like their voice like, you know, attractive or sexy. Like I've always heard that like, oh, their voice is sexy. I've never heard. Oh, their voice is cute.
00:47:32
Speaker
Unless, unless, unfortunately, if they're, you know, like say there's like this demon, right? And it's like 500 years old. Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. Wait, what's wrong with the demon? She told me she was 500. She's 13.
00:47:55
Speaker
Chris, look at the message. She told me. Do we all agree to take this one to the grave or do we all agree to let it out? To the very end. To the very fucking end. After the afterlife. Don't pass dough. Don't collect two hundred dollars.
00:48:25
Speaker
Get a job working at a factory. Don't speak to women ever again. We have a third bird. We have a third and final bird. I'm going to read the title to this confession and you give me the species and name for this bird broad who we're going to be speaking of. I've stolen hundreds of dollars worth of water by just saying five words.
00:48:52
Speaker
Ooh, okay, this is perfect. This is a rainbow lorikeet. Lorikeet is spelled L-O-R-I-K-E-E-T. Wonderful. And what about a name? Hmm. Jesse. Pretty bird. I like it, Jesse.
00:49:16
Speaker
That bird screams like Jesse is kind of a cute voice. Jesse sounds cute. I was stolen hundreds. Right. The Jesse, the rainbow lorikeet says I've stolen hundreds of dollars worth of water just by saying five words. So hear me out. My college has a food court in one of the main buildings. Chick-fil-A, sandwich place, salad bar, et cetera. You get your food, you pay, you exit.
00:49:46
Speaker
Every single time I've eaten lunch there, I was a freshman. I grab a bottle of water with my meal, walk up and pay and say, I brought the water in. The employees aren't paying enough to care and I pay enough tuition and not feel bad about it. Clearly taking that one to the grave, right? Oh yeah. That's how, that's how a college fucks you. Yeah.
00:50:10
Speaker
Is there, just to play devil's advocate, because I agree with you boys, is, is there an amount in this context that you could steal? Like if somehow he had stolen enough water that surpassed his tuition costs. Like, is there an amount where you got to like say something? I think if it's like, it doesn't even have to be that much. If it's like annoying for the staff to have to refill the stock.
00:50:37
Speaker
Yeah, we're, we're like, if they notice, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, he said hundreds of dollars. Yeah. Tuition's thousands of dollars. So like, you know, that's at least like two Dasani.
00:50:53
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just saying that is true. Dasani has gotten crazy. I heard they found water on Mars, but it was Dasani. What's the total quantity of bottles instead of dollars? Because who knows what they're charging and who knows what the tuition is, but like how many bottles until you confess?
00:51:11
Speaker
And it's not what they're charging. It's what they pay for them. You can't think in terms of profit loss, but in stock loss, because if you think in terms of profit loss, that's like how companies get away with money laundering and not paying taxes. But anyway, I agree with you. Wait till you hear mine and Riley shrink podcast that we just started. I think Morgan, I think I think your question needs to be reversed.
00:51:41
Speaker
I think it's what's the minimum amount that it's okay to admit to it and at what point is it you're way too far in where like you know they would step in and there would be legal trouble because I think if you do like one like you go hey uh the other day I said I brought in a water bottle and I didn't um and honestly I was just having an off day and I you know I had a brain fart and I didn't mean to say that so
00:52:11
Speaker
like I think you'd be fine there like you could have like some fucking uh uh co-worker or not co-worker uh worker there that's like gonna have a stick up their butt and be like i'm contacting the manager and the police you fucking asshole but I think if you keep it under 20 in profit uh you're fine to admit to it but if it's over 20 in profits you keep that shit to yourself
00:52:40
Speaker
I think you're right that there are legal implications, so I'm going to add a new twist to our game because what you don't want to do, because fuck the cops a little bit. We're never going to vote that you implicate yourself for a crime no one suspects you of. That would be a wrongdoing.
00:53:04
Speaker
We'd lose our law license if we did that. Does it have to be confessing to the organization? In order to keep things interesting, because I can definitely see us going like no a lot, would you admit it to your parents or your significant other? Yeah, parents or significant other I think is important. That's a great pivot. Bradley, you start us on that.
00:53:33
Speaker
Um, I mean, yeah, I would, I would tell my parents that I steal from the university. How much though? Like, would you tell your parents the full extent of it? And if, if there's a cap to that, where is it? I guess it depends on how much I got away with. And, and that doesn't mean that like too much because here's the thing.
00:53:58
Speaker
If I took a little bit here and there and I'm like, Oh yeah, I just took a water bottle here and there and nothing big. And then they'd be like, Oh, whatever. And, but if I took like a lot, but it wasn't that much, they'd be like, you're a fucking idiot. Are you stealing water? But if I took a lot, like an absurd amount, they'd probably be impressed.
00:54:25
Speaker
Yeah, your parents, that's true. Let me quantify it because if they don't give us a number, we kind of have to fill in the details.
College Years: Petty Theft Tales
00:54:30
Speaker
Let's say over the course of this person's four years in college, they stole 160 bottles of water from Chick-fil-A. Hmm.
00:54:49
Speaker
Which is only 40 a year. Like it's not, it's nothing ridiculous. That's 20 a semester. But I think, I think sets in that zone where that's not good. Cause it's enough that it's a habit, but it's like not enough that it's not impressive. Yeah. Got it. Okay. I'm thinking like at least in the thousands, multiple thousands, preferably.
00:55:14
Speaker
I think you admit it to your parents and significant other, but I think you do it like, uh, like as a bit, you know what I mean? I was, yeah, I was fucking crazy in college. Like, you know, I never fucking paid for water at Chick-fil-A. I get there 160 times. I don't think I paid for water one time. And they're like, what are you talking about? Oh yeah.
00:55:35
Speaker
I mean, that's true that I do tell stories like that because I've I sold plenty of beer in college. Yeah, yeah, literally, I think that's the way to do it. And then it doesn't feel that bad. And then it's off of your chest. You're clearly not telling Chick-fil-A. That was never an option. There is no convincing there. But I think you wouldn't be too embarrassed to tell like your girlfriend or your parents if you do it in the right way. And I think that's the way. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
00:56:05
Speaker
And I think we're like, yeah, I would even admit it to like coworkers and stuff. Yeah, for sure. This is funny. Yeah. It's more. Yeah, it's yeah, it's your dad, Laura. Let that burn out of it. I've got some not to check for a. You do have good dad, Laura. I think we all do. We all have pretty good dad more.
00:56:34
Speaker
I want to hear more of your dad lore Fritz on or off mic. That's your dad's decision. I think I'm talking about like it. Like if I were like, we're talking like if like
00:56:47
Speaker
If we were dads like telling stories to our kids like about what we did as kids, you know what I mean? You guys throw away those Polaroids you have of me from this last. I still have one. I have all of them and I have them in a little Polaroid book. I left I left my copy of the Polaroid in the hotel and I didn't realize it until after.
00:57:17
Speaker
We hung out, we wrote in a shitty hotel in South Carolina for like three days. We were just writing the script to something and we took Polaroids and I happened to be near naked next to a bunch of bottles of beer. Mr. Near Naked, the only thing you were wearing was a fucking grocery bag.
00:57:39
Speaker
Yeah. Also, it's funny that you left that there after telling the host that like like they were like, don't get too rowdy, boys. OK, OK, Morgan, Morgan, if we when we do come back, we need to stay at the same hotel.
00:58:14
Speaker
Yeah, just because like I remember like you were very friendly with them and you know, they're like, oh, you're here for the game. And you're like, no, we're actually here for this. And like, you know, I feel like when people aren't here for the games, like the the people there just remember people more, you know, like, oh, he wasn't here for the stereotypical thing. And so like they remember you. And I bet you money that Polaroid is in that building still today.
00:58:35
Speaker
We should go there like every single year.
00:58:40
Speaker
I hope it's on the fridge. I used to work in sales years ago and there was at one point, there was a salesperson I worked with like five or six years ago that wasn't a very ethical salesperson. And at one point we came in to open our retail sales location and a local,
00:59:08
Speaker
wrote a handwritten letter and they taped it to the door. And it was completely, I don't know, it was very mean. It was basically saying, you lied to me, you cheated me, you're a terrible person. But they had a learning disability, which isn't on its own funny. But the letter just, it was a funny written letter.
00:59:37
Speaker
if you can avoid the context that my coworker was about the worst person that you could possibly be. Wait, wait, wait. Was this a coworker that I worked with? No, it was years before then, even. Oh, OK.
00:59:55
Speaker
I know, but they just like taped it through the door. So anyways, we, we taped it to the safe in the back that way. So we kept it up to try to shame him and to change. So I hope that my picture surrounded by all those beer bottles is taped to the safe in the back or I don't know, but I guess I don't know.
01:00:21
Speaker
That's so funny. I hope that they pair that memory of that interaction with the picture of you and keep it. I know. Dude, I'm the exact right kind of charismatic too, where I'm not really that charismatic, but I'm just charismatic enough to get by. They wouldn't expect that that's what I'm going to do in the room. They may, when they see us go up there, they're like, that's what those boys are going to do. But I could smooth it over enough.
01:00:52
Speaker
I think that that's not what's happening. We want to thank everybody for being a part of the show, testing out some of our new segments. I want to thank my friends, Riley and Fritz for joining me tonight, every other Tuesday for the rest of the year.
Show Wrap-up and Future Excitement
01:01:05
Speaker
This is our first episode for the rest of, uh, or for the new year, which we're really, really excited about. Dudes, we're changing everything. I can't believe we did four episodes in one year. How the hell did we pull that off? I don't know. So much work.
01:01:31
Speaker
We are very excited for a brand new year. Our goal is every other week, uh, episodes releasing on Friday. Let's see how that materializes. Let's not speak to it too, too much. You guys have anything else before we kick? Uh, no, but, uh, I'll name one more bird just for the road. Oh, the American crow keeping it classic.
01:01:56
Speaker
Name him. Huh? He did. Name him, too. Give him a name. Oh, uh, Julian. Julian. But like, uh... What drug do you have? Like, Julian vegetables. Oh, okay. You don't even know me.
01:02:19
Speaker
You're always getting fucked up, why? Do you really need to know me? The roaches in my bathtubs I can roll their eyes with your crown