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Episode 4: Speak to Be Heard
8 Plays1 month ago
If you're wondering why you never feel heard in your relationship, consider whether the way you're speaking is a factor in that. In this episode we'll teach you what to do (and what not to do) to give you the best shot at being heard.
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Transcript
Pitfalls of Text Communication
00:00:34
Raffi Bilek
Hello and welcome back to the Better Marriage Podcast. Have you ever tried to get heard by your spouse and it's just not working? Today we're going to give you the keys you need to finally be heard by your partner.
00:00:46
Raffi Bilek
Ivy, take it away.
00:00:47
Ibinye
All right, first things first, please do not send your spouse a text when you're trying to communicate something critical or something very important. Why?
00:00:58
Ibinye
Texts sometimes get lost in translation. you know, a failed emoji here, an cautionary here.
00:01:04
Raffi Bilek
It is so easy to misinterpret. you You know, you read a certain tone into what they're writing and you get angry. So you try to send something and they interpret it even worse. It escalates even quicker.
00:01:17
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Text is not a great medium for dealing with important things. It's really helpful if you want to remind them to pick up the dry cleaning or to ask them if the cheese is spoiled the fridge. But for the important things, it's real I know it's tempting because it's easier. It seems lower key, lower stress.
The Value of Face-to-Face Conversations
00:01:33
Raffi Bilek
Save your important conversations for when you are able to sit face to face and have a conversation about it.
00:01:39
Ibinye
Yes, absolutely. And because remember, the goal is to be able to be comfortable having these deeper conversations with your spouse. And so the more we do this face to face thing, the better we get at it, too.
00:01:52
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, I would say even the higher goal is is developing the relationship and connecting and communicating, right? Just venting your feelings and telling them off and and being mad at them doesn't really get you somewhere.
00:02:03
Raffi Bilek
It is likely that you will disagree about what happened, that there will be some conflict and some tension to resolve. And we are certainly going to talk all about how to deal with those things. But the goal is to build a connection between you.
00:02:14
Raffi Bilek
And that rarely happens by text. What happens more often is it turns into a fight or at best we put this down and we don't gain from it. We don't grow from it. So really text is not a good medium for having the important conversations in your relationship.
00:02:23
Ibinye
Right.
00:02:29
Ibinye
Not at all. Now, before you jump into this conversation, we recorded a previous episode about how to set the tone for an important conversation. So make sure you listen to that episode because that goes hand in hand with this one.
00:02:41
Ibinye
Okay.
00:02:42
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, and that kind of just included things like making sure the phone's away, making sure the time is right and the place is right. So definitely you want to set yourself up for success.
00:02:49
Ibinye
Yes, absolutely.
Using 'I' Statements and Empathy
00:02:50
Ibinye
When you're having an important conversation with your spouse, Focus on you when you are the one who's having that conversation talking, right? Focus on you. I statements. Some of you have heard of i statements and some people roll their eyes and they're like, oh my gosh, I statements. But let me tell you something. I statements are very, very effective because there's no blaming. There's no finger pointing. You're just focusing on your perspective of the situation.
00:03:15
Raffi Bilek
It major saving grace. What I tell people is this. When you talk about your spouse, you are inviting them to argue with you. If I say you yelled too loud or you never think of me or whatever it is, all I'm doing is i'm inviting you to say, well, that's not true because of this and this and this. If you would like an argument, that's a great way to do it.
00:03:34
Raffi Bilek
But if you talk about yourself, you are inviting your spouse to care. And that's what you're looking for.
00:03:39
Ibinye
Yes, absolutely. I feel, i heard, i saw, eye I, I, it's your perspective. And it's pretty difficult to argue with somebody's perspective of things because it's my perspective. are you going to argue about how I'm feeling or what I saw what I think?
00:03:55
Raffi Bilek
Right. An important advisory there is I feel is a little bit tricky because the way we use English now is like, I feel like you're a big fat jerk.
00:04:01
Ibinye
No.
00:04:05
Raffi Bilek
That is not an I statement.
00:04:05
Ibinye
No.
00:04:07
Raffi Bilek
Right.
00:04:08
Ibinye
No.
00:04:08
Raffi Bilek
If you're going replace the word feel with the word think you are actually evaluating the situation, that's an evaluation. It doesn't talk about your feelings. If you can replace the word feel with the word am, we're in much better territory.
00:04:20
Raffi Bilek
So I feel sad means I am sad. But I feel like you just care about yourself and you know you defend your mother and all these like that's me evaluating the situation.
00:04:23
Ibinye
Yes. Right.
00:04:30
Raffi Bilek
And again, I'm just inviting you to argue because you're going to well, no, I don't. What I really think is this, that, the other. And now we're back to an argument. So I statement keeps the focus on you. Right. You are the main character in that story.
00:04:42
Raffi Bilek
Your spouse is an auxiliary auxiliary character, meaning, you know, you have to refer to them. You can't say something like when I am yelled at, I don't like it. Like who's doing the yelling? Like that doesn't really make a you can say, you know what, when you yell at me, I really feel scared.
00:04:57
Ibinye
Right.
00:04:58
Raffi Bilek
That's fine. i'm I'm mentioning you because you're in the story, but I'm the main character. And that way I'm inviting you to understand my story and what it looks like to me. And it doesn't have to look like that to you, but that's how it looks to me.
Tools for Emotional Expression
00:05:11
Ibinye
Right. Absolutely. Now, if you struggle to come up with feelings words, because sometimes we just don't even know how we're feeling. Go to the feelings wheel. Just do a quick search feelings wheel. And it'll show you, it names so many different emotions and that can really help you pinpoint one. And yes, if you're sitting in front of your spouse, not able to bring up feelings, it's okay to can I just look up something real quick? Cause I'm trying to pull up my feelings.
00:05:35
Ibinye
Pick one. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel disrespected. I feel whatever it is, pick a feeling.
00:05:41
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. And again, as long as you're talking about you, we're we're in good shape. It gets a little bit iffy sometimes when they are i feel attacked.
00:05:52
Raffi Bilek
That's sometimes like it's it's a gray area. Like maybe that's how I'm feeling. i don't mean to say that you're attacking me.
00:05:55
Ibinye
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:05:58
Raffi Bilek
That's an important distinction. I really don't want to be describing you. If I think you're attacking me, I will say I feel attacked. And that keeps you off the hook. If I require you to agree that you're attacking me or that you're disrespecting me or whatever it is, again, we're back to the argument. No, I'm not. That's not what I meant.
00:06:16
Raffi Bilek
I am sure you have been faced with this, and I'm sure you've said it before. That's not what I meant. What I meant was. And as you well know, that does not help. Everybody listening to this has been in a situation where they tried to explain what they meant, and it didn't help.
00:06:30
Raffi Bilek
You don't want to be hearing that. you don't want to be saying that. You just want to say, here's my perspective. The way I feel is I feel disrespect. I feel attacked when you say, yabba, yabba, right? So the other person doesn't have to argue with you. And we'll talk in a future episode about how, as the listener, to handle those moments.
00:06:49
Ibinye
Yes.
00:06:49
Raffi Bilek
But if I keep the focus on me and my experience, um all I'm doing is inviting you to get into my experience. I want you to see the world the way I see the world. You don't have to agree with it.
00:06:59
Raffi Bilek
I just want you to know how I see it and how I feel about it.
00:07:02
Ibinye
Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like that.
Understanding Over Agreement
00:07:05
Ibinye
Two people do not necessarily have to agree about the experience, but the person who is listening has to be able to put themselves it should try to put themselves in the shoe of the speaker.
00:07:17
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Ivy, have you ever seen the movie Being John Malkovich? This is an old movie. It's got to like 20 years old of now at the time of this recording. And there's this great scene where, um with a couple scenes, where the John Cusack character goes into John Malkovich's brain and body, and he sees the world literally through John Malkovich's eyes. And that's what I think of. Like you want to be sitting inside my brain and seeing the world the way I see it you're like, huh, that's interesting. So when I said pass the orange juice, you found that disrespectful. Okay, I'm i'm not quite sure, but i think yeah you try to see the world the way they see it.
00:07:54
Raffi Bilek
And again, as a listener, there are things that we'll talk about how to get better at that and how to see that better.
00:07:54
Ibinye
Yes.
00:08:00
Raffi Bilek
But if I, as a speaker, I'm trying to invite you into that and not trying to make you agree or trying to make you admit or apologize. All I want is for you to see the world the way I see it for a moment.
00:08:10
Raffi Bilek
Then we can have a conversation that does not turn into conflict.
00:08:13
Ibinye
Yeah. And as a speaker, what's your tone? What's your body language? Watch the words that you're using because chances are if you are yelling, if you are screaming, if you are pointing fingers, if you are insulting, your spouse is going to be upset or fight back verbally, right?
00:08:33
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Right. Your job as the speaker is you really want to avoid doing anything that would cause your spouse to be defensive.
Avoiding Defensiveness
00:08:40
Raffi Bilek
You do not want to create defensiveness in your spouse because that is the kiss of death for communication.
00:08:45
Ibinye
Yes.
00:08:45
Raffi Bilek
Once somebody becomes defensive, no one's listening to anybody else. Now, we both, when we are in the listener role, have the obligation to try to not become defensive. But you as the speaker have the obligation not to do things that will elicit defensiveness. So accusing elicits defensiveness, attacking, insulting, put downs, right? What does not elicit defensiveness to the extent that that's possible is for me to talk about me, like we've been saying.
00:09:10
Raffi Bilek
So anything that you can do to avoid bringing up defensiveness and in in your partner is really important. You might say, but they really did something wrong. That's fine. You could talk about how that impacts you rather than trying to get them to admit wrong.
00:09:23
Raffi Bilek
Nobody likes to admit wrong. Sometimes we have to do that and that can be done. But if I'm inviting you into my world and saying this is what it's like for me, could you please care about me? Could you understand how I'm hurt?
00:09:35
Raffi Bilek
there's There's much less need to be defensive.
00:09:38
Ibinye
Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Don't assume what your spouse is thinking. Okay.
00:09:43
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:09:43
Ibinye
So I felt sad when you did not invite me to dinner with your friends because you were definitely trying to alienate me and you clearly they don't like me.
00:09:54
Raffi Bilek
Oh, we were so close, Abby. You started it off right. You started off with, I felt this when you did that, and then you went to the assumption.
00:10:02
Ibinye
Right. Right. So it's, I felt sad because I wasn't invited or because you didn't invite me to the party or whatever.
00:10:10
Raffi Bilek
Right.
00:10:10
Ibinye
Tell me more. What happened?
00:10:12
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:10:12
Ibinye
Why?
00:10:13
Raffi Bilek
There you go
00:10:13
Ibinye
Let them explain.
00:10:14
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Ivy, are you a mind reader?
00:10:17
Ibinye
Absolutely not. I wish I was. I wish I was.
00:10:18
Raffi Bilek
Right. Yeah, I'm not a mind reader either, right? So no matter how much you think you know why your spouse did what they did, you cannot be sure. Sometimes you're right.
00:10:29
Raffi Bilek
Often you're wrong.
00:10:31
Ibinye
Right.
00:10:31
Raffi Bilek
I can tell you, I have definitely made those assumptions in my head. More often than not at this point, I'm able to sort of clear them out before I talk to my wife. But I find more often than not, my assumption about what she was thinking or why she did what she did is not correct.
00:10:46
Ibinye
Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Lead with kindness, right? Give the benefit of the doubt. Just lead with kindness and assume that your spouse wants the same thing as you, which is a healthy marriage and a thriving situation, right?
00:11:02
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, or even just admitting to yourself that you're not sure, right? So your spouse did something that looks really bad to you and looks insulting and hurtful. So you can at least say yourself, you know what? I'm really not sure what they were thinking.
00:11:17
Raffi Bilek
I have had so many situations where I said to myself, there's no, I don't know what she's doing. This is not the right thing. This is bothering. This is causing trouble. But I was able to keep an open mind. And then when I actually heard what my spouse was thinking, i was like, oh, you know what?
00:11:32
Raffi Bilek
That makes sense. Yeah, that kind of makes sense.
00:11:34
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:11:34
Raffi Bilek
Like, you know, there was some information I didn't know or there was something else I wasn't considering. it is so common. So when you are talking about what's going on for you, you keep it to what you saw, how you feel, but do not go into your spouse's head because you just don't live there.
00:11:53
Raffi Bilek
That was a movie. You cannot actually be in your spouse's head. So do not do not make those assumptions.
Focusing on One Issue at a Time
00:12:01
Raffi Bilek
um And one more point is that when you are talking about something that is on your mind, whether it's good, whether it's bad, conflict, you know, or just a situation that has nothing to do with your spouse, stick to one topic at a time.
00:12:15
Raffi Bilek
Don't throw everything with the kitchen sink, right? Don't do the kitchen sinking thing where you say, well, you know, you're a slob and you're totally disrespectful or even with the I feel statements. I feel angry because you don't clean up the room. And I feel disrespected when you leave the laundry for me to do.
00:12:31
Raffi Bilek
And I'm exhausted because the kids are always yelling. at the addict to it You can go on and on and on And your spouse is like blown away. It's like, don't know what to do with that. And like, you you can't, you can't address that problem.
00:12:39
Ibinye
Right.
00:12:42
Raffi Bilek
Right. One thing at a time. I will tell you how exhausted I am because the kids have been terrible today and I'm really frustrated that you weren't around to help me and so on and so forth. That's one topic. And then I will let you hear me out and do some reflecting, which we'll talk about.
00:12:56
Raffi Bilek
um And then we we just stick to that topic until that is thoroughly done. If I throw everything at you at once, nobody's going to get nowhere.
00:13:05
Ibinye
Absolutely. Because the goal is to have shared understanding. We don't have to necessarily agree on everything, but shared understanding.
00:13:11
Raffi Bilek
No.
00:13:12
Ibinye
And it's difficult to have shared understanding when you have just, it feels like an attack, right? You've just said five things that I do horribly. Of course, I'm going to go into defense mode or I'm going to shut down or I'm going to be like, oh my gosh, this is too much.
00:13:26
Ibinye
I'm going to run away, right? But just focus on one thing. Let's clear up that matter. And then let's come back together and just be happy. We talk about all the other things later when we're not as overwhelmed.
00:13:36
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, I mean, you know, if you hit me with five things, like what exactly are you hoping I would do anyways that would help the situation? Right?
00:13:42
Ibinye
Right.
00:13:43
Raffi Bilek
Like, what I going to go down all five and say, I was wrong about this. And i was wrong about this. and i was wrong about it that. Like, even if I did that, that probably wouldn't make you feel better. You're kind of on emotional overload. And you're just throwing it all out there. And there's not much we can do with that.
00:13:55
Raffi Bilek
So if you sort of constrict a little bit and just keep it on one thing at a time, then I can helpfully respond. I can understand. I can care about where you're at. I can offer some validation and empathy.
00:14:07
Raffi Bilek
But I can't do that if you dump everything on your mind onto mine.
00:14:12
Ibinye
So some patience is required, it sounds like, learning how to deal with one thing at a time. And then over time, you trust each other, the communication grows, and you get better at handling some of the other issues at the right time too.
00:14:24
Raffi Bilek
Sure.
Key Strategies Recap
00:14:25
Raffi Bilek
Okay. So a basic recap here. Number one, you are doing this in person, not over text. Number two, I statement, which is, you know, when this happens, I feel that.
00:14:35
Raffi Bilek
Not I feel that you are a big fat jerk, but I feel the following. I feel sad. I feel you put in a feeling word there. You're going to focus on yourself and your experiences. Don't focus on your partner. Don't make don't make assumptions about what they're thinking.
00:14:49
Raffi Bilek
Any other points you want to recap there, Ivy?
00:14:52
Ibinye
Focus on one thing at a time.
00:14:53
Raffi Bilek
One thing at a time.
00:14:54
Ibinye
One thing at a time. Don't bombard them, please.
00:14:57
Raffi Bilek
Super. Okay. So that is our little episode on how to be an effective speaker so that you can get heard. In a future episode, we'll definitely talk about what the role of a listener is and offer more useful tips on how to make your marriage the best possible.
00:15:08
Ibinye
Yes.
00:15:12
Raffi Bilek
So we will see you next time.
00:15:13
Ibinye
All right, bye.