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God Loves Sex? All Things Pleasure, Mindfulness & Religion
93 Plays6 months ago
How do you reconcile spirituality with sexuality? For so many of us, religion was a tool used to make us feel shame or fear for our erotic desires.
That's why Nadège sits down with Dr. Tara, a tenured professor of sexual communication and a practicing Buddhist. Dr. Tara opens up about her journey with sexual empowerment and how she maintains integrity with her religious practice while also honoring her desires.
Nadège and Dr. Tara discuss different elements of mindfulness, from meditation to plant-based medicine, and give tips on how you can start having mindful sex right now!
If you have ever struggled to reconcile your relationship with spirituality and sex, this one is for you.
Dr. Tara is a tenured professor of sexual communication and the founder of LUV. When she's not teaching, she creates sex education content for her millions of social media followers, writes her column 'Sexplore' for Women's Health, hosts her podcast LuvBites, co-hosts the UK's hit TV show Celebs Go Dating, and co-hosts the popular radio show Loveline.
Episode Website: https://pleasurescience.com/s1e4-sex-spirituality
Show Notes
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WEB • www.pleasurescience.com
BLOG • Pleasure Science on Medium
@PleasureScience on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube
Be sure to follow Dr. Tara at:
WEB • https://www.luvbites.co/
YouTube • https://www.youtube.com/@Luvbitesco/videos
Instagram • https://www.instagram.com/luvbites.co/
TikTok • https://www.tiktok.com/@luvbites.co
Luv by Dr. Tara • https://www.luvbydrtara.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Couple Sexual Meditation
00:00:00
Speaker
the cool thing about The couples one that you said is like, you don't need to expect sex afterwards. And I i absolutely agree with that because my husband and I will like do the couple sexual meditation naked and holding hands. And it's like after 10 minutes, then we go make tea.
Overview of 'Pleasure Science' Podcast
00:00:27
Speaker
Welcome to Pleasure Science, a podcast dedicated to helping you feel healthier and empowered in your sexuality. And I am so excited to jump into this topic because I know it runs deep with every person listening. So today we're going to talk about sex through the lens of religion, spirituality, but also mindfulness because I've personally experienced mindfulness, being a heart opener and a mind opener to healing trauma and having just so much better sex.
00:00:56
Speaker
So
Introducing Dr. Tara: Sex and Spirituality Expert
00:00:57
Speaker
I'm so excited because one of my favorite people is here today to talk about this, Dr. Tara. And I want to say your last name, I might say it wrong. But Sue win. Yeah, tight, shy porn. So close. so Yeah. Okay. How do I pronounce it?
00:01:13
Speaker
almost there, baby. So in your teacher point. Oh, so beautiful. But a little bit about Dr. Tara today. Dr. Tara is a tenured professor of sexual communication. She's the creator of love bites. And honestly, if she isn't already one of your favorite sex positive influencers, she's about to be like your content is so heartwarming and welcoming and educational.
00:01:39
Speaker
And one of the reasons I was like, I need to have this conversation on sex and spirituality with Dr. Tara is because I started watching your content where you would go to the temple, and you would talk about like this morning, I masturbated, I did some mindfulness, and now I'm at the temple. And I just love your approach. You're so open, you're so kind, and you're so real. And I was like, you know what, if we're going to talk about sex and spirituality, it has to be with Dr. Tara.
00:02:06
Speaker
So this intro is there's so much praise in this intro and I have a praise kink. So yeah, i am baby turned on. you know if I can do anything in this podcast. It's that get a room or what?
Sexatrology and Dr. Tara's Perspectives
00:02:25
Speaker
But thank you so much. That's a very kind intro and you know, the affinity is definitely ah Reciprocal because when we first met I was drawn to you right away and um You have such beautiful energy very open very like unapologetic I feel like we're kindred spirits and yeah talking about you know sex and spirituality but also astrology Yeah. That's why you were on my podcast on sexatrology and I really love that episode. So for those of you like link after listening to this episode, so listen to that episode of Nadesh um sharing all of our sexatrology and yes, read my chart. That was really insightful.
00:03:09
Speaker
Well, I mean, it was so much fun. I love your podcast. Your podcast is amazing. Thank you. And so when we start off any episode with the Pleasure Science Pod, I always ask the same question because I always get the most incredible responses.
Dr. Tara's Journey and Social Media Success
00:03:24
Speaker
So Dr. Tara, what is your definition of sex?
00:03:29
Speaker
Sex is an emotional, spiritual, recreational, and relational experience shared by all participants involved in that encounter. And whatever it is.
00:03:46
Speaker
I love that and I agree. ah it's I feel like every time I ask that question, I unlock a different level of understanding connection and intimacy, but also the abundance and expansiveness of it, right? And of sex.
00:04:03
Speaker
And so as we, you know, before even jumping into the sex and spirituality, you have such a fascinating way of coming up in this industry. How did you become a sex expert and a tenured professor who teaches people about sex? I mean, come on, that is the coolest sentence I could ever say. Oh, my gosh, you're too kind.
00:04:24
Speaker
um you know Long story short, I'm originally from Thailand, then I moved to the US s for graduate school. I did my master's and PhD in the US. s Loved it. Loved learning, loved exploring, loved being curious. um My PhD was in human communication, but particularly in relational and sexual communication.
00:04:48
Speaker
um So when I was about to finish my PhD, I was in the job market. And during that year, there were only a couple of jobs ah in the tenure track professor realm. And I landed ah quite a few of them of them, actually. I landed a few jobs. Yes, you did, Oh, my God. I love it. And so I honestly picked where I thought I could like hang out with most of the other professors there because there were like you know people in my generation. And then I also picked based on location. And I want i know I wanted to come back and live in SoCal, so I picked Cal State Fullerton and you know no regrets at all. I've been there eight years. Wow.
00:05:32
Speaker
The reason and why I think I had a a lot of, I think, mass mass media and social media success is because of my professor background. I'm already explaining things on a daily basis to my students, right? So when I started social media, I thought, okay, how do I explain this, but literally in 30 seconds? Because, you know, we have like one hour. yeah But how do I change that and and explain it in 30 seconds and, you know, also inserting humor, inserting some educational content and making it relatable. So I really thought about that quite thoroughly and then hire the right team. So it just blew up. The social media blew up. I have millions of followers and then following that the TV show opportunity and
00:06:22
Speaker
all the time. So I'm very grateful to be able to educate and normalize sex positivity every single day as I'm sure you do it too. It's a great job. But that's so inspiring. And I also just feel like it speaks for itself, the level of work and expertise. And you know, for anyone listening, whether you're in our industry or not, like, there's abundance to be had in teaching about sex and educating about sex. And I also think we don't have enough. We don't have enough. Like, even though people like Dr. Tara are here or I'm here, there's so much more that needs to be healed and shared.
Spirituality, Religion, and Sexuality
00:07:01
Speaker
Speaking of which, sex and religion, right? And spirituality. I feel like something that's so interesting about this topic is sex is so natural. It's how humans
00:07:12
Speaker
like come to be right. Like it's such an important and integral and basic part of the human experience. And then spirituality in the last several thousand years has tried to distance itself away from that and control that and can almost see sex as this threat to spirituality. And so how has your experience been as someone who became a sex expert professionally, but then is also a spiritual person? What was has that been like?
00:07:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think ah the majority of the work I had to do first was to learn to unshame the parts that I was ashamed about. yeah And that work, just to be really honest, real and real with you, that work had to be done with a therapist.
00:08:01
Speaker
Yeah, because i I wasn't really sure if there was anything wrong because you know, it wasn't like I grew up in a very, very um repressed family that like locked me in a room and like, you know, I didn't grow in in a cult because there are people like that. and went know And they like, you know, get punished for touching themselves or you know I i didn't have that ah extreme of a religious experience but definitely grew up in a very religious family like we go to the temple we went to the temple like three times a week growing up like a very common occurrence we have a whole like Buddha room at home
00:08:42
Speaker
with like tons of different Buddhas and you know set statues and other goddess and gods too. Cause Thai Buddhism is kind of mixed with like Hinduism and Taoism. So we have like different gods and goddesses, but definitely in the presence, right? Like, you know, some people grow up in a home that like doesn't really have any religious artifacts, like not my home. Next to my room is like 300 Buddhas.
00:09:11
Speaker
and you know the other, yeah, other, quote unquote, pure gods and goddesses out there. So definitely grew up in a ah ah ah strong presence of religiosity.
00:09:23
Speaker
um But, you know, whenever you mentioned spirituality, so to me, I have like two separate journeys. One is, one is unshaming myself from all the things that I thought were bad about me being a sexual woman that were taught based on Buddhism, right? Like um when you go to like a Buddhist temple, you have to like cover your whole body, right? Because you don't want to, because your body is provocative.
00:09:55
Speaker
right and and you should be respectful by covering you have to cover your arms your legs um any of you that are listening that have been to thailand you will ah remember or recognize like when you want it to go into a temple um they ask you to like wear long skirts yeah um so i think these memories little memories about like my body and how i was treated as a as a woman like you you know you can't even like give offerings to monks, Buddhist monks, as a woman, ah either the man gives it and you like touch the man's back to get the good deed, the good karma, or the monk has to put down a piece of cloth to receive it. So you are taboo. and Right. and be
00:10:48
Speaker
near a monk can't be you know touching a monk's hand so and no one ever explained it to me so my whole life I just thought like oh when you're a woman you're inferior um so work on that I worked on that with therapists and really had a healthy balance of really appreciating buddhism for what it is and really appreciating buddhist practices like meditation and praying Um, but getting rid of the other things I didn't like, uh, while embracing my sexuality in terms of spirituality.
Psychedelics and Mindfulness in Sexual Experiences
00:11:23
Speaker
I mean, can we talk about psychedelics or no? Oh yeah, we can girl. Yes, we can. This is the pleasure science pod. Like we all want to learn. What's your view on psychedelics? My view on psychedelics is that they can be very healing and they can be very helpful. We've seen overwhelming scientific research that has shown that it can be
00:11:42
Speaker
extremely healthy and healing, especially for people with PTSD, especially for veterans, especially people healing from sexual assault. So I'm very pro health. And so I feel like pro health makes me pro plant based medicines, you know, and that does include psychedelics. And then I also think when we are talking about psychedelics, we automatically have to also entertain and consider the addiction and the party culture and so how we can take these these things that we have access to, right these psychedelics that can have very positive effects on the mind and body and then also realize we're these imperfect humans and we like to abuse our pleasure.
00:12:29
Speaker
And so I do like to talk about this stuff, especially on the Pleasure Science podcast, because as scholars, you and me, like we're here to make people think, make people question. you know Just because I like it does not mean anyone listening has to like it, but I hope you listen to this podcast because you like to think.
00:12:44
Speaker
Right. So, you know, that's why you're here. So but what do you think about psychedelics? Because thinking of mindfulness, I love that you did touch on that. I feel like there's a kind of underground when it comes to mindfulness, healing, sexuality and religion that does have to do with psychedelics, because so many religions also, right, would do psychedelics for thousands of years. yeah yeah So my experience has my experience with spirituality and psychedelics has been predominantly about ayahuasca. o um I went to an ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. um And it was like a five day, three ceremonies ayahuasca retreat. And it was at at a very rural area, like no paved roads kind of place.
00:13:38
Speaker
um we were There were like 22 of us, we were placed in a hut together and we were there like all night for three nights drinking the tea. yeah Before this experience, I had had a lot of personal turmoil when it comes to love, sex and connection because I was married and it wasn't the marriage that I was meant to be in. um With Ayahuasca, I was able to experience this like sense of courage um and almost like pride in how far I've come and who I am as a woman and like my womanly body.
00:14:29
Speaker
And that I deserve everything that I want um through connecting with like the universe. like The universe told me to remind myself that i am that my future and my life is really, really in my hands. And that's the most like kind of vivid thing I remember. Because there so many things happened in my mind during the ceremony. like Your head just runs like crazy. So a lot of memories came by a lot of visuals. I can't, I couldn't retain a lot of things. Um, but the things that I retain was that I need passion in my life. And that was a part in my life that lacked passion. So spiritually, like there were spirits that were talking to me. So when I came home, I started pretty much.
00:15:29
Speaker
You know, meditating every single day, doing breath work. um And during meditation, I talk to God or gods. I talk to the universe. I talk to the higher power.
00:15:45
Speaker
And I ask for signs quite often. um And yeah, right after the ayahuasca retreat, I got a divorce, um like properly got a divorce with, you know, papers. And started literally just living my life exactly how I want it. Go after everything that I want.
00:16:08
Speaker
um unapologetically. And to be honest, at this point in my life, this is the happiest point in my life.
Integrating Religion and Sexuality
00:16:16
Speaker
The most the happiest, the healthiest, the most successful, the most fulfilled, um the richest. I love it. Yeah. um You know, just really, I feel so good. And I really have to It's partially attributed to that journey with ayahuasca. you know Of course, there's so many people that go do it hoping that it will solve all their life problems, but it it doesn't unless you do things. Right, totally. i think all of The lesson is you have to execute. You have to come home and you know execute your plan.
00:16:53
Speaker
Absolutely. No, totally. Ayahuasca or mushrooms or these other psychedelics or even just therapy will like force you to face yourself. And then it's like, what do you do now that you've done that?
00:17:04
Speaker
you do have, like if you want your life to change, you don't press a button, you take action, right? yeah But it's true, like seeking out these different modalities can be so helpful for you to really get clear also. Like step out of indecision, step out of confusion, step out of overwhelm. When I did mushrooms for the first time and did a guided journey with the shaman, it was so incredible. And ah it was, and ah like you, I can't put it into words. that My mind was doing and seeing so many things.
00:17:34
Speaker
But when I came out of the experience, I felt so much lighter. I felt a lot more grounded and a lot clearer on just certain things that mattered in life and that didn't matter in life. And it made me take very intentional actions and steps forward.
00:17:50
Speaker
And so I can't I haven't done ayahuasca yet, but I am going to I'm actually one of my colleagues also just became a shaman. And so I and I've taught he's been studying for the last three years and was just down in Peru and um and he's come back now. And so I'm like, okay, I feel like I'm ready. And I love that he just graduated. So I'll keep you updated on my experience because I'm excited. I love I think, and this is what's so fascinating, I think about both of our journeys, because I also like went to UC Berkeley, studied sex, made this business, you know focused with the science, science, science. But when I started really experimenting with things outside of the status quo, but that were deeper into the spiritual realm or woo woo or whatever you want to call it, I had such big breakthroughs. And in fact, it made a lot of the things that I learned scientifically make more sense.
00:18:44
Speaker
It was almost like I could now read between the lines and be like, OK, this is a theory someone created and they were onto something. But now I can see deeper levels. It's just amazing. It really is. And so I love that that's been a part of your spiritual journey with like, yeah you know, coming into who you are now. And so when you look at your relationship to religion now, how do you see because you still, you know, go to temple and you still do these things, which I also love because you could be a slutty bad bitch and a religious bad bitch. You could do it all. you know um But how is your relationship to spirituality now that you've you know that you've just done and experienced so much for yourself?
00:19:26
Speaker
Yeah, I basically cover like i basically um show my titties at night, cover my titties in the morning. Have you been the Thai temple in LA? No, we should go. I would love to go. it's ah It's in North Hollywood, so it's not far from you. nice. Yeah. Okay, let's i should take you but you have to cover yourself. Okay. Oh, that's yeah i've been I lived in Thailand. So I remember I actually like kept making the mistake when I first moved of having my feet facing the Buddha at the temple. And I and then Pete luckily I was there with people who knew me so they could be like, stop doing that. ah Don't put the your bare feet facing the Buddha and I was like, Oh my gosh,
00:20:08
Speaker
But it was such a it was a really cool experience being over there and actually I had done that intentionally because kind of like you I grew up in a very like I grew up in a liberal household but but that liberal household came from deep religious roots and so my dad's side was Roman Catholic and my mom's side was Jewish my grandmother survived the Holocaust so Judaism was very important to her and Actually, when I went to a Catholic high school, we didn't tell my grandmother. We just told because it was a last minute decision. And um and my dad and my mom are like, you know, she lives in another country. She doesn't need to know, you know, it'll just make her upset.
00:20:50
Speaker
But um but it was a really fascinating experience because I was always surrounded by religion. I definitely inherited all those small messages, too, in my own way um of what it means to be sexual and why you should hide it and why you're taboo.
Religious Norms and Sexuality
00:21:05
Speaker
um I especially relate to what you were saying with the Thai temple, because in a lot of more religious Jewish, you know, temples and circles, you also cover yourself. Like when friends of mine got married and I would go and be invited to the wedding, I had to buy like and I couldn't wear the clothing that I would normally wear. like I had to buy new clothes. I truly had to like cover down to the elbow and and like happy to do it you know because i don't I don't think I'm here to tell anyone what's right or wrong for their life or their spirituality. It's such an intimate journey.
00:21:38
Speaker
But I do question when religion takes us away from our sexual self because that is just such a core part of who we are. you know and so um But it's been interesting. thing you know I love hearing your journey because I can completely relate with almost it feels like mixed messages like growing up in the world that we have, having the internet being like, okay, wait, it's super cool to like, dress like a hooker. But it's also like, you have to be a certain way to get married and to be respectable, you know, and all of these, all of these contrasting. Yeah, I mean, we grew up in in like the Britney Spears era. Yeah. So revealing clothing, being very sexual, like
00:22:23
Speaker
Literally one of her songs is, I'm a slave for you. yeah like you know When I was a kid, I didn't know what slave means, but now I do. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah totally. i just I heard all of those messages from mass media, right? And then you hear messages at home and then you hear messages from like your religion. So it's quite confusing, but correct me if I'm wrong.
00:22:41
Speaker
ah In like Orthodox Jewish, it's even more intense right with covering for women and wearing a wig and not sleeping in the same bed as your husband when you are on period because you're dirty. Yes, that's also true, which is such a fascinating thing.
00:22:59
Speaker
um Because I do think that sometimes in long-term relationships, sleeping in different beds or not being like on top of each other all the time is a good thing. um But it's an interesting... like I actually remember one of like talking to one of my friends who is married and is in a Chabad, a very religious ah marriage.
00:23:18
Speaker
And yeah, when she is on her period, um it begins a two week timeframe where her and her husband um aren't really supposed to touch, be sexual or share a bed. And she was saying like when she first told me about this, because even as someone who is raised Jewish, I feel like I find out new things all the time because there are so many different ways, just like Buddhism, right? Like there's so many different ways to be a part of a religion.
00:23:42
Speaker
And so my friend had told me that and I was instantly like all my feminist kind of like California Western, like shackles came up. And I was just like, that's oppressive. What do you mean? Your bleed is sacred. You know, all that you like all going on my soapbox. And she was like, and I love this friend who's also a Virgo, um who's very open minded. And so and Dr. Tara is a Virgo for anyone curious of a lovely Virgo.
00:24:08
Speaker
But anyway, so I kind of got on my high horse talking to my friend about this stuff. And my friend was like, well, you know, I can see where you're coming from. But actually, it's amazing for our marriage. It means that there's a certain time of the month every month that I can look forward to where I'm not expected to seduce anyone or to be, you know, this sexual creature.
00:24:31
Speaker
And I thought that that was so interesting and kind of does go back to like the laws that were on the books for hundreds of thousands of years. No, for hundreds of years, not hundreds of thousands of years, for hundreds of years where wives were property. And if she didn't have sex with her husband um all across Europe and in the United States.
00:24:51
Speaker
it's actually still legal in some states in the United States where like a man could rape his wife because he owns her, which obviously I don't think that would hold up in court, but that law is still on the books, people. But anyway, all that, yeah, right? And so when my friend was um sharing with me that like actually this religious and spiritual law ah is very helpful for their marriage, it means that it's literally like her permission to sort of do what she needs to do for herself. And that's how she looks at it as like her time to like connect with her children, connect with herself. She doesn't have to be
00:25:27
Speaker
Like sex isn't on the table and that creates like a different reality for those two weeks. And then when you know sex is back on the table, they actually crave each other and are excited. And so it was so interesting because I started looking into studies and I did find some studies that showed that marriages that maybe will have like a long distance element, so it's not always long distance, but maybe for a month, your spouse is somewhere else.
00:25:52
Speaker
Um, or like this with the religious kind of, um, Judaic and Islamic practice, right? Of not touching people while they're on their bleed. These things can create more intimacy in some relationships because there's the absence that makes the heart grow fonder. And so it's a really fascinating thing because I am a little torn because on the one end I you know, knowing what I know about religion and history, I know that a lot of these rules were created, so that birth could be really policed and controlled. And I know that that's a part of that situation. But then on the other end, you can't ignore the fact that there are people who are like, actually, this system is so nice and healthy
Mindfulness and Sexual Health
00:26:32
Speaker
for me. I love it.
00:26:34
Speaker
Um, so you know, right? It's like, again, their own, but, um, but what for you with, um, with like mindfulness, cause this was something I also wanted to touch on cause I feel like we could go so deep into spirituality and we have I love our conversations. i always I feel like you and I always go really deep. but um But with mindfulness, mindfulness is something, obviously it's for everybody. It doesn't belong to any specific religion, but it can feel like such a spiritual experience. And I know especially with Buddhism, that is kind of a part of the religion. Whereas for me growing up in Christianity and in um Judaism,
00:27:14
Speaker
I never heard of meditation until I was an adult and mindfulness. And those things really changed my world because I didn't know how to slow down pleasure. And that was affecting my ability to connect and to have orgasms. So for me, mindfulness is orgasmic. And when I know orgasmic is one of your favorite words. But talk to me a little bit about like mindfulness, meditation. um Why is it so healthy for sex?
00:27:43
Speaker
Yeah. So, um, a little background about me and why I was so interested in meditation was that, you know, growing up as a Buddhist, uh, you were, as a child, you were forced to meditate all the time. It's a part of the Buddhist practice. Um, so when I was a kid, I wouldn't meditate with my parents like every single day, even if it was like two minutes of being silent, closing my eyes and staying still.
00:28:12
Speaker
Right? That's basically meditation. but But they would make me do that in the Buddha room every single day, either before school or when I can't come back from school. So it's kind of it's in my blood to meditate, I think.
00:28:27
Speaker
When I was um in my early teen years, my parents would send me to like Vipassana camps for juniors. So they're all like teens. And it's like silent meditation camp for like three days or five days. And the longest I've been it was seven days. and It was really rough, really, really hard. And when you were a kid, like it's even harder.
00:28:51
Speaker
Because you just didn't see the benefits back then. Who knew I would have you know multiple orgasms due to this when you were 12? You didn't know. When I was 12, all I wanted was like watching Sailor Moon and eating chocolate.
00:29:04
Speaker
hey then And yes, and which is yours actually, by the way, which was your sailor of the five? Oh, um Venus. Oh, I could see that for you. Totally. I love Mars. Yeah. Oh, cute. So yeah, like I was, you know, I wanted to watch TV, eat snacks and stay home, not like go to this silent meditation camp with strangers and like, they didn't allow any technology. um They didn't allow food past 4pm. So it was a a lot of discipline.
00:29:34
Speaker
Yeah, so I had that kind of experience. So as an adult um studying sex, I was really looking into ways to improve my own.
00:29:49
Speaker
um sexual experiences, my orgasms, and my confidence. And as I looked into research, I didn't realize there's just a ton of research on sexual mindfulness practices and how they contribute immensely to positive sexual outcomes, like better orgasms, less pain, higher sex drive, like higher sexual desires or sexual interest.
00:30:19
Speaker
um yeah ability to get wet more, um the ability to have an erection more um consistently. so So mindfulness practices have been proven multiple times in social science and in experimental research that it 100% works when you do it committedly.
00:30:46
Speaker
So after I read that, I was like, holy shit, that's so interesting. I want to start doing it regularly. And I was doing it regularly and I definitely saw like huge improvements in myself, even after like two weeks of doing it every single day. Wow. And so wait, what is your practice then that you would like for anyone listening who's like, well, I would love to even just start that journey. Like maybe share a little of what your practice is or recommendations for how to start that.
00:31:13
Speaker
Yeah. So mine is really, really elementary. And I give myself that like small goal so that I always meet the goal. I love that. Yes. Yeah. ah I'm not Joe Dispenza. I'm not like meditating four hours a day. Like I can't do it. I just can't do it.
00:31:30
Speaker
but i ah But I make sure I meditate five to ten minutes every day. Sometimes I do it quietly. and my And sexual meditation is like a regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the body.
00:31:46
Speaker
o So you can aim that particular meditation, you can dedicate it towards one goal. If you want sexual thoughts, maybe during that meditation, you set a timer for five minutes, give yourself grace for the whole five minutes, like don't open your eyes beforehand. um And then think about the last time you had really hot, passionate, sexy sex. And if you've never had it, cool. Maybe read some smut, listen to like audio porn and then or imagine a hypothetical scenario. Maybe you have like a word crush that you can never fuck. I had one of those before, a word crush that I can never fuck. So I just like would imagine what would it be like to fuck this person? um So that's a sexual thought meditation. But you can also do sexual like feelings, which is through breath work, like breathing into your genital
00:32:38
Speaker
um breathing in and out and feeling that your body move. You can also do sensations. So you can massage your earlobes, you can massage your nipples, massage your pubic area while meditating. So there's different types of meditation that you can do. And if you're someone that's really, you know, a beginner or you just really prefer guided meditation. It's the reason why I create my like free YouTube guided meditation is you have five minute one and 10 minute one. You also have a solo one that you can do every day. You can have you also have the couples one that you can do with your partner while holding hands and being naked.
00:33:24
Speaker
which is so healthy. You know, there's so many times where people like maybe long term or short term lovers so much will be solved if you just hang out naked together without the expectation for sex. You take that expectation away and are just together with your bodies that can be so and that can be meditation. But I love that. I'm definitely going to check out your YouTube. And we are doing a sex meditation episode.
Actionable Steps After Mindfulness
00:33:47
Speaker
It's an affirmation meditation because that's the type of meditations I've been loving. Like I have found my meditation practice. First off, it's young. My meditation practice is like a toddler. It's about two years old. So, you know, learning a lot from Dr. Tara today, and I'm so excited. And one of the things that I've been loving is affirmation meditations because I'm such an audio verbal processor. And, like you, I also have a praise kink. I love words. So I love listening to these affirmations. I am a goddess. Exactly. I'm like, I am a goddess. I am confident. I love those things. It just tastes amazing. Yes, it does. But I love that. I'm definitely going to go to YouTube, and I'm going to check out your meditations, because there aren't enough sex-positive ones. Right, yeah.
00:34:37
Speaker
When I created in this, I really created like what whatever that I want to hear every day. I didn't care if no one listened to it. I was creating it for myself. And yeah I already have it on my phone. Might as well post it on YouTube. So I just did not know that. If other people are interested, they can try it too.
00:34:57
Speaker
Um, the cool thing about the couples, one that you said is like, you don't need to expect sex afterwards. And i I absolutely agree with that because my husband and I will like do the couple sexual meditation naked and holding hands. And it's like after 10 minutes, then we go make tea and like, high oh, yeah, it doesn't, you know, when, cause like some people might feel like they're obligated then to have penetrative sex after like, there's no obligation. No, totally.
00:35:26
Speaker
The one thing that I learned from, oh, so to backtrack. So after I started reading into all of these experiments, Oh, by the way, shout out to Dr. Laurie Brotto, who runs the sexuality research lab at the University of British Columbia, because like, I would say 75% of the research is hers.
00:35:50
Speaker
Hell yeah. had a lot She published a ton of ah papers on her experiments on these sexual mindfulness interventions for mainly women, but some for men. um But I mean, there was a study that I read that I found very fascinating and it was women who had um cancer or like who got who recovered from cancer like beat cancer recovered from cancer but had like zero sexual desire because like you just beat cancer yeah um and i believe it's like cervical cancer so it's definitely attached to like down there and the feeling of sexuality and these were the women that reported like oh no i have no interest
00:36:36
Speaker
And after doing her intervention, so she did the pre-test, did the intervention, did the post-test, they found significant increase in sexual desires in these um formerly cancer patients. And I just found that so powerful. I'm like, we should have a PSA on a highway about the patient because it will literally like solve you know, whatever issues we all have. It works for of everybody, literally. So I was so inspired by that. I wanted to create a big quantitative research because that's a part another part a big part of my life is I'm a quantitative researcher and that's like the class that I teach at college as well. on I wanted to create a big study to help prove that point.
00:37:26
Speaker
So I started on a two-year journey of data collection from people who are in long-term relationships and looking at variables that would predict long-term sexual satisfaction. And I found three main variables. The first variable is obviously, you know, this sexual communication. Yes. You must have this in order to have long-term satisfying sex. There's no way.
00:37:53
Speaker
that you would have it without talking. So sexual communication is top three variables. The second one is sexual self-esteem slash confidence because self-esteem is internal, confidence is external. So self-esteem and confidence. And then the third one is one of the biggest variables is sexual mindfulness.
00:38:18
Speaker
Wow. And this is based on 5,000 people. So wow five thousand it took me forever to collect data, but I'm really proud of it. I like did the TEDx speech about it because yeah you know, 5,000 people is no joke. This is yeah big data, right? Like I'm trying to show you that it really matters and I'm not just surveying like 50 people.
Religion vs Spirituality and Sexual Acceptance
00:38:41
Speaker
yeah So it's really cool. Yeah. It's really cool to help confirm.
00:38:47
Speaker
What I already believe in, like sexual mindfulness is extremely important. Yeah. Absolutely. A huge part of spirituality, a huge part of some people's religiosity depends because some people say they're quote unquote religious, but they really don't have any spirituality.
00:39:04
Speaker
yeah like two Two things are separate to me sometimes. like I agree. People are religious and spiritual. like I can see that they really experience that part of their religion. But some people just say they are something. right like They say they're Christian, but then they do all the things that you're not, quote unquote, supposed to do. like yeah know Hate on gays or trans rights or they say they're Muslim or they say they're whatever. right yeah Just because you belong to a ah religion doesn't mean you have a spiritual kind heart. Yeah, no, I i have felt that. like i I felt that when I came out as queer and ah friends who I thought were cool were not cool with me anymore and different things. and But you know, it also... Was it like which side? The Catholic side or the Jewish side? There were people from both.
00:40:03
Speaker
Yeah. um And there were just different people. And it's interesting because I came out at different times in my life because I look so feminine and have always looked so feminine. So there was a time in high school where I was falling in love with my best friend and it was very obvious. A lot of people knew. And so then rumors started to be spread and and i'm I am ah unapologetic. you're definite i always I've always been that way for better or for worse. And so I wouldn't let it faze me. But then I mean, on the outside, I was hurt on the inside. But then I would notice that there were some people who were not friendly with me anymore. and And and like, I could taste the subtlety of their rejection, you know, like, they may not have been in my face about it. And they may not have been overtly hateful. But I was also I was just like, well, like a few days ago, you treated me differently. And I think that's changed is that you know, this little piece of information.
00:40:54
Speaker
Damn bisexuals, they're dangerous. The buys are very dangerous. yeah Beware. yeah yeah but um But you know what I am grateful for is that even though that I've had those experiences, and I think we've all had those experiences in some way of rejection of people finding out something about ourselves and and it changes their opinion of us. I think this especially happens with sex where people will like find out something about someone and you know make it gossip and and make it nasty. Not nasty in the fun way, right? Nasty and though we're hurting other people with our words way.
00:41:32
Speaker
But I also, I think that there, I always have hope and that there's so much space for spirituality and kindheartedness to overcome all of
Overcoming Sexual Shame
00:41:42
Speaker
those things. And, and you know, but we're also, in fact, as we think of this,
00:41:49
Speaker
Something that's coming to me right now that I think is interesting is how do we also heal? Because religion can be the thing that has hurt us sexually. But then I also think spirituality can be the thing that helps us heal. Because actually thinking of really interesting studies, there's this one psychologist, Dr. Diana Kirshner, and she did a study where she basically found if you want to get over a breakup faster, you need to fall back in love with yourself.
00:42:19
Speaker
And one of the top ways to do that is to develop a spiritual practice, not religion, but actually developing a spiritual practice. And that she found that doing that would help her clients reconnect to what was most important in their life. And again, feel like this is a phrase I say all the time where I want life to feel like I'm making love with the universe. Like I'm making love to create this life for myself. That's very meta.
00:42:44
Speaker
Isn't it? Isn't it? But when I was reading this research, that's kind of what it made me think of. I'm like, huh, developing a spiritual practice like mindfulness, which doesn't have to be attached to anything, can connect you back into your body, but also can just open you back up. But what has your experience been with healing sexual shame through spirituality?
00:43:06
Speaker
Yeah. So, I mean, I, when people ask, I still say I'm religious because I practice in, I engage in religious practices and enjoy them and find benefit in them. Um, and that's partially how I connect with my spirituality and God. Um, for me.
00:43:29
Speaker
After working with a therapist on pinpointing parts that brought me shame and literally were working on exercises to get rid of it, but like one of it was writing it down a piece of paper and actually burn it.
00:43:44
Speaker
um Which I thought was very like witchery and not very Western science and I'm like, I thought you're supposed to be a psychologist But but actually it is a part a psychologist like a psychology um Practice thing like an exercise that they do in therapy. um So I did that um I also did um reframing so, you know Parts that hurt me reframe it to how it has helped me or how it contributed me to be to become this person um, and then I also did an exercise that um Oh, that's called choose again, oh, okay I like it.
Body Acceptance and Personal Growth
00:44:29
Speaker
This was from gabby bernstein um Actually, or I don't know. Maybe she took it from someone else, but we all heard it from gabby bernstein and so it was you know
00:44:39
Speaker
What was my, what were what was your, what's your belief on this thing, right? And if I say something like, well, I should cover myself because I'm a woman and I don't want to like showing my skin in the temple and my therapist would go, no, choose again. Then I go, um, I cover myself because I have the power to choose the clothes to put on my body to, um,
00:45:09
Speaker
to engage in a practice that has existed for thousands of years. So it doesn't have anything to do about my body, but like I'm respecting the practice, even though I disagree. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. So there's quite a few exercises that I did. um Yeah, so now I have like zero shame on that part. I still have shame on some other part. like Sometimes my feet stink. Me too, girl. Me too. Yeah.
00:45:37
Speaker
I have that shame sometimes. Um, I also don't shower that often. You don't shower. Oh my God. I don't shower that often either. I love that. But you're French. So that's yeah normal for you. I mean, I hide behind that, but let me tell you, it might not be because I'm French. It might just be, you know, the life I live. I don't know. Was that you or me that were stinky when we went on a hike?
00:45:58
Speaker
We were stinky. I remember that. I love the way my body smells. I actually like the smell of my BO. I like the smell of my feet. I mean, obviously, I shower enough. I don't want it to be overpowering. I don't like the smell of my feet. No, I do. Up until a certain point. But thinking of reclaiming things, I had to reclaim liking all of that stuff because I thought that I was some dirty girl because I liked the way my body smelled.
00:46:26
Speaker
Girl, maybe because you were dirty. Bacteria-wise, scientifically.
00:46:36
Speaker
but um But no, I love i love all your um reframing. I love all your reframing points because you also grow armpit hair, right? Yeah. Yeah. When I want to, I do, especially in the winter. Yeah. See, like I think that's something that and is really cool about you. like You really don't give a fuck.
00:46:56
Speaker
No, actually, one time I was invited to a very upscale sex party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. And this was like a private home. um Very like fancy people. And I had shaved. I hadn't shaved my legs or my arms and I was working that day. And then it just got a little late. I knew I wanted to go to the party. And I was like, I am going to be the hairiest girl there.
00:47:18
Speaker
because like this is this I know the crowd and these are very polished. Yeah, people. But I was like, well, fuck it. And so I came like my hairy ass self and had a ah wonderful time. um But I can't but it like can like but then you do have to you know, again, that self-confidence self confidence, self esteem thing that we were talking about when I walked in and then like, you know, people are naked and stuff. So I was getting naked and people are seeing I could feel people see my body here before they saw me. And um and most of the people who actually and this was I'd say a predominantly like what I like to call like hetero flexible bunch. So it was definitely more people who were there to hook up with the opposite sex. But like,
00:48:02
Speaker
If you know two guys got blow jobs from each other, like that's also cool you know type of thing. um But when I walked in, I could notice that it was predominantly the girls who kind of stared at me. And I think it's because they were having to face the construct that in order to be beautiful, you're hairless. And then in walks, and I think I'm beautiful. So in walks a beautiful you know blonde with great tits who has a lot of body hair. yeah And they are now confronted with their own idea of beauty. you know And of course that can activate negatively onto me, but I've done so much work on my personal self-esteem and my confidence that like, oh, that doesn't faze me at all. It used to though, it used to. But now I'm just sort of like, ah like like I'm just so cute. I don't have time to explain why I'm cute. like you know And and that's that's just it. you know hair is ah Hair is a part of religion as well. so Yeah, let's do the same thing about that.
00:49:05
Speaker
Yeah, we talked about the Jewish Orthodox, right? But in Buddhism, like monks, when you ordain as a Buddhist monk, you shave your hair, you shave your head, and then you shave your eyebrows as well. And as women, if you want to become Buddhist nuns, like, you know, equivalent, it's, well, it's not really equivalent, but equivalent to like a Buddhist monk, you also shave your head. You have to let go of all of that. So,
00:49:34
Speaker
to me, hair has such intertwined relationship with religion. Because Catholic nuns, they also cover the hair with that headpiece. Yeah, that's true. How do you call it? A headpiece? Yeah. Well, I don't know what the nuns, the headpiece would be, but the hijab also in Islam, right? You're so right about that. Hair and religion. Yeah, that's a thing.
00:49:58
Speaker
um But, you know, well, well, anyways, you, you had like armpit hair and I was just like, Oh, that's so cool. I wish I could grow it. But because of my, you know, um, because of me being succumbed to social constructs since I was like 21, I lasered my whole body and went through so much pain, um, with 12 sessions when there's so much pain in order to like live that socially constructed life.
00:50:26
Speaker
And now I have zero hair anywhere on my body like body hair. I have head hair. but Yeah, I know you have a beautiful head of hair. No, thank you. No body hair anywhere. But I kind of wish that I had so that I had the option to like grow it in the winter and have like a little cute gush and you know, but I deprived myself of that opportunity anymore in the future. So there's that. I mean, you know what, though, I also just like I feel this way about like my tattoos where it's like i would i some of the tattoos that I got, I got when I was younger and some of them are very deep you know and have very deep meaning and then some of them don't, but they don't. like What is it? Is it like a penis? Oh, I wish. I wish it was that iconic. Which one is like which one is not like meaningful?
00:51:18
Speaker
I mean, they're all meaningful, but there were some that I didn't really think about. I just kind of did it. and r Or what shape is it? I don't want to say, but I'll tell you next time we hang out.
00:51:29
Speaker
okay um But I do love all my tattoos, but I relate with what you're saying in the sense of like I was young and I did a thing and now I'm older and I'm like, I don't know if I would have made that same choice right yeah now, but then I also don't I don't want to take away the Nadej that I was then, you know, and like It's just, and you know, thinking of those things. We're here for a reason, right? Like we're here for a reason. we We needed all of those things to happen to be here, to be like this. So it's accepting and moving forward. Yeah, absolutely. yeah And very much with sexuality, spirituality, and religiosity, it's it's accepting and then choosing the things that work for you and then moving forward. I know that a lot of people are
00:52:20
Speaker
feeling stuck in blaming, like, oh, I'm like this, I have all this shame because of how I grew up, because of my religion. on I promise you, there is a way to overcome it because there's lots of people that have overcame it, working with therapists, psychologists, or even self-healing. There's a lot of books out there that you know can help you self-heal.
Launch of 'Everybody Oil' and Episode Conclusion
00:52:46
Speaker
You just have to believe that you can.
00:52:49
Speaker
Total 100% and I love that note. I think that is the perfect sentiment to end because it does start with belief and I think that's the tether between spirituality, religion and a damn good time in bed.
00:53:03
Speaker
but
00:53:06
Speaker
so Tara, I know you're always doing incredible things. Do you have anything coming up that you want to share with our listeners? 100%. I am so excited because we just launched Love by Dr. Tara. and It's a sexual and relational wellness brand. and Our first product is the Intimate Oil called Everybody Oil.
00:53:27
Speaker
And it's really yummy. It's coconut oil, organic coconut oil based with a lot of yummy other things. My business partners work in Korean skincare. Oh, you know it's good then. Skin care for down there. um it is It feels amazing. I've been using it for months and months and I'm just like, I'm my own biggest fan for this product.
00:53:52
Speaker
And the most loyal consumer because I i use a lot of lube because I love lube and I use it for, you know, I use it for a clitoral play. I use it to get give my husband a hand job and a blow job because it's edible girl. Yay. It's edible lube. So I'm just like loving it. And yeah, I want more people to experience the joy and passion and pleasure that I experienced with love.
00:54:22
Speaker
Yeah. oh Oh my God. I can't wait to try that. Like I love everything that you come out with and I know I'm going to love the love oil. um Well, that is it for this week's episode. Thank you so much for tuning into Pleasure Science and make sure to join us next week because we're going to dive into monogamy and how monogamy was created because people, monogamy is actually not natural. Doesn't mean it's not lovely, but we're going to dive into the really saucy history of that next week.
00:54:52
Speaker
In the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science. Please remember to subscribe and help us spread the word about this podcast because that doesn't just help us, but it helps you. When big companies and consumer-based capitalism, frankly, realizes that people really want to learn about this knowledge and have more sex positivity in their life, it makes a huge difference. So please rate, subscribe, and share our podcast or Dr. Taras, shout out to you too, girl. um You can also watch our episodes on the Pleasure Science YouTube, which I think you should because then you'll get to really see how amazing Tara is, connect with her energy, connect with my energy. And like we mentioned on this episode, we both have really good hair.
00:55:39
Speaker
and Of course, you could go to PleasureScience dot.com and get 10% off of all of our courses using the code PleasureSciencePod. Thank you so much for listening. and Before we leave today, just a friendly reminder to go and do something that helps you experience pleasure in the next 24 hours. okay Put on some makeup, take a bath, groom yourself, use the love oil for some masturbation. ah We'll see you next week. Bye!
00:56:12
Speaker
This podcast is a Pleasure Science production hosted by me, Nadej, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Cullo. Our music is by Octasound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license. To find out more about Pleasure Science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience dot.com.