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19. Mind Your Business with Vera llnyckyj
16 Plays1 year ago
“Who do I want to be in this situation?”
It’s a question life coach Vera Ilnyckyj asks herself—and her clients—daily.
After two decades in the corporate and nonprofit marketing worlds, she knew it was time to give more of her authentic self to the world. That meant becoming a full-time coach focused on helping mid-life women grow through divorce and job loss.
Leave it to Vera to turn her own struggles into a beautiful service for others. She’s experienced divorce and job loss… simultaneously. It was the catalyst for a mindset shift she now teaches others. “It’s not about what life does to us. It’s about what life does for us.” #micdrop
In this episode, Vera shares why we need to delete “should” from our vocabulary, respond instead of react, and create everyday restorative rituals. (Sure it can be about coffee!) She also shares how she learned to create space to hear her quiet inner voice and all it had to say about self-trust.
After all, when you align work and life with your values, it turns out everything you need is within you.
For more inspiration, subscribe to Unbound Turnarounds on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts!
LINKS:
- Connect with Nicole
- Connect with Mallory
- Connect with Vera: practicalwisdomcoaching.ca
- YouTube: www.youtube.com/@practicalwisdomcoaching
- TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@lifecoachvera
- Define Your Values Workbook: www.practicalwisdomcoaching.ca/define-your-values
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Transcript
Introduction to Unbound Turnarounds
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to Unbound Turnarounds, a podcast all about the challenges women business owners think about constantly, but rarely voice. We're Nicole and Mallory, entrepreneurs, friends, and co-founders of Business Unbound, a community helping women alleviate the headaches, heartaches, and backaches so work actually works for life. This is your safe space for the ups, downs, and the turnarounds.
00:00:31
Speaker
Welcome back to Unbound Turnarounds.
Focus on Entrepreneurs' Wellbeing
00:00:33
Speaker
As a quick reminder, season two is all about different aspects of our wellbeing as entrepreneurs. So today we are diving further into mental wellbeing. And Mallory, I am curious how you're feeling about this topic today.
00:00:47
Speaker
Well, I like this topic. I could talk about this topic. This is several episodes now where it's come up. And I've loved every moment of it. So I'm excited. I know. I feel like we need an entire podcast only about mental well-being. Yeah, our whole season. Food for thought.
00:01:02
Speaker
Yeah, well, we could do that. We'll see.
Guest Speaker: Vera Ilnitsky
00:01:05
Speaker
But our guest today has a lot of insights to share with us, so I'm pretty stoked to introduce her. So today we have Vera Ilnitsky helping midlife women turn divorce and job loss into the best chapters of her lives. That's her specialty. She helps women reclaim self-trust and in doing so, shine their light.
00:01:22
Speaker
In her master classes, workshops, retreats, and coaching programs, Vera provides practical strategies for women to increase their energy. We love that. Make better decisions, improve health and wellness, and feel a deeper sense of purpose. You're speaking right directly into my soul right now. I love this. So Vera's passion for helping women comes from her own experience of being fired from a job while in the midst of healing from divorce.
00:01:49
Speaker
During this time, Vera felt like a complete failure, purposeless, disconnected and stuck. As challenging as this time was for her in retrospect, she's grateful that it happened.
Vera's Personal Journey from Crisis to Opportunity
00:02:01
Speaker
It was the start of her developing tools, resources and practices that helped her move forward, develop self-trust, find purpose and reconnect with what is most important to her. She's honored to support women on their journeys of healing and self-discovery.
00:02:17
Speaker
Vera's other passions include personal development, active living, holistic wellness, connecting with people, and supporting local businesses. Her soul gets revived in the gorgeous Rocky Mountains through hiking, skiing, running, and cycling. She has recently taken up mountain biking, and she enjoys traveling, camping, reading, spending time with her friends, and going for walks with her partner Kevin and their dog, Ellie.
00:02:42
Speaker
Vera is also a certified yoga nidra teacher. Vera, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I cannot wait for this. Mallory and I were talking about how we just want to trade the people in our network forever and have the exact same overlapping network because awesome people attract awesome people.
00:03:06
Speaker
And I love your story already. I think it's really amazing. And it's already resonating with me. So to get us started, I am curious about your career before coaching, which was, I think, mostly focused on
Corporate Career and Leadership Focus
00:03:19
Speaker
marketing. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. I was in corporate marketing for about 25 years. That was my professional career. My background is a Bachelor of Commerce. I have an MBA as well, so business.
00:03:30
Speaker
I've worked in a wide variety of industries, big, small companies, a lot of real estate, residential, commercial shopping centers. I did a little stint at a government agency, which was very interesting because I'm very entrepreneurial and governments are not.
00:03:46
Speaker
Nevertheless, I learned a lot. I also did a little stint at a not-for-profit, which I loved, did some freelance work, and ultimately went back to marketing. At the end of my career in that, I was mostly in leadership. So I led teams, I helped lead the strategy and the campaigns, and anything to do with marketing, communications, and even internal communications as well. So that was kind of my corporate background in a nutshell.
00:04:13
Speaker
Perfect. It sounds similar to mine. I was also in the marketing world for a decade before this, and a lot of that overlapped. So I see you on that. I was catching that, too. Now, so we touched on this in your bio. So you were going through a divorce at the same time as losing your last corporate job, which sounds like an extremely challenging time, two of the biggest things that can happen to you in your life going on simultaneously.
00:04:39
Speaker
Could you talk to us about what your mindset was like actually at the beginning of that experience?
Facing Unexpected Job Loss and Divorce
00:04:45
Speaker
Yeah, so it actually wasn't my last corporate job. It was actually about 2011 that I got fired from a job that I had been at for about six or seven years. And it came out of the blue. It was unexpected to me that this was going to happen. It wasn't like a mass layoff or restructuring. So it was not in my realm of possibility
00:05:04
Speaker
So it did happen super unexpectedly and it was on the heels of me getting divorced. You're right. So I know you talked about that. So I always say if you're going to have a change in your life, you might as well just make a bunch of changes and it just gets them over and done with. I guess a little bit because it's hard to deal with that many life changes.
00:05:21
Speaker
But you know what, sometimes life does that to us and life does that for us, right? Kind of depends how we approach that and we can talk about that. But I know you asked about mindset and that's so interesting because, you know, when I got married, I was a bit older. I was in my 30s. And so for me, that felt older.
00:05:37
Speaker
I was really conditioned by how we need to be in society and kind of what the quote-unquote right thing to do is and what order, by what age and what schedule, that kind of thing, right? So I went to school, right? I finished high school, went to university, got a job, bought a house, and then the next thing was, okay, let's get married. And that didn't really happen for me for a while. And I really, really wanted to get married. And
00:06:03
Speaker
That's fine. I think that's great. I think we all want partners. We all want to have this life where we feel supported and we feel loved. And I think that's part of who we are as humans is that we want relationships, right? But for me, I went into the marriage, my body and my soul knowing that it wasn't the right decision for me. It wasn't the right fit, but I wanted it so badly that I ignored a lot of those warning signs, which to me meant later on in retrospect that I was ignoring my intuition and I was ignoring that inner voice of mine.
00:06:32
Speaker
So I went through it anyways. It obviously didn't work out. So my mindset was really one of, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm 32 years old, right? I should be married. I should be having kids. A lot of my friends are married or in this other stage of life. And so my mindset was really about just how I thought things should be. And I don't like you doing that word should right now. Like I've deleted it out of my vocabulary for the most part, but back then that was my mindset. Like I should be in the stage of life.
00:06:58
Speaker
And once I got divorced, that really started changing because I realized, OK, why is this happening? Who do I want to be as I go through this process? And what do I really want? How did I let this happen? How did this even happen? So it was really the start of me exploring a lot of these questions for myself. What was important to me? How did I get here? What was my role in this?
00:07:23
Speaker
And then how do I want the other side to look? So I was exploring a lot of these issues. I hired a life coach. In fact, my life coach was the first person outside of my family that I told that I was getting divorced, which was a huge, you know, that was big. It was hard for me to tell someone that we can talk about all those different emotions that come up. And so as I was moving through that, and then to face getting fired, getting laid off was another blow to my confidence.
00:07:47
Speaker
to my ego, it's very humiliating. Like I said, it was unexpected. So my mindset was kind of just numb and stunned and a little bit of victim mindset, right? Like, why me? How could this happen to me? Like, I'm a good person. I do good things in the world. I'm a hard worker. I did all the right things. I went to school. I was loyal. You know, I'm loving. I'm kind and I'm not evil. Like all those things that I was thinking of, that was kind of my mindset.
00:08:13
Speaker
And I realized one day that I don't want to be the kind of person that's bitter or resentful or angry because that just leads you into those low-frequency negative emotions and it doesn't really lead you anywhere freeing or anywhere that's positive or hopeful. And it really does keep you in that victim mindset. So I did change my mindset with a decision to not be like that. So I know that's a long-winded answer to your question and we can delve into other questions that you have.
00:08:43
Speaker
Well, there's so much there that definitely resonates with me, specifically how it feels like sometimes these hard things really overlap. And a little bit your brain can be like, I could do one of these pretty successfully. I could navigate it. I can troubleshoot it.
00:09:02
Speaker
Okay, maybe I could do two. Two might be fine. It's not ideal. And then you get to like the fourth one, you're like, seriously now, this is not sustainable. And suddenly, like each of the individual things that you probably could have dealt with just feel too big and hairy together. So definitely seeing you on having multiple things happen at once that are very emotionally tough to deal with.
00:09:31
Speaker
And I'm curious how your wellbeing, you said you changed it with a decision. And I'm curious if you're a little bit like me in the fact that I really have a lot of identity in how I respond to problems. And I find a lot of identity in that. And so for me, if something hard is going to happen, I'm like, well, this at least better be productive because
00:09:55
Speaker
Like, I am not enjoying one moment of this and it at least had better be productive and I get something out of this. Not in the sense of, you know, what's the silver lining and all the things, but more like, okay, I'm going to learn something useful here because this needs to be made productive. Do you find yourself at all in that space?
00:10:16
Speaker
Yeah, that's an interesting question. I don't think I felt that way initially because I experienced tough times before, but as a younger person.
Identity Crisis and Societal Pressures
00:10:23
Speaker
And so I think we deal with things differently, maybe when we're younger, a bit more naive and when we don't really know ourselves that well. And then when something as big as a divorce happens or a job loss happens, it really impacts our identity. And like you use that word identity and that, you know, I say that purposely as well because we were no longer a wife.
00:10:43
Speaker
or we're no longer a spouse, we're no longer an employee, we're no longer whatever our title was. And we tie our identities so much into our own personal worth, our self-esteem, our confidence about, I mean, think about even when you walk into any cocktail party or any networking event, what's the first question that people ask each other? What do you do? What do you do? And so if you're not working,
00:11:09
Speaker
What do you say? Like it becomes this really awkward, weird conversation that a lot of us try to avoid. I know I did for the longest time and I started changing that conversation and how I answer that. But kind of back to the identity piece, something that I really learned through these hardships, through these experiences is how do I want to be in this experience? Like how do I want to be going through the situation?
00:11:31
Speaker
And like I said, when I was going through my divorce, before I got divorced, you know, you would see people on TV or you would hear about people and you'd think, how could they get so bitter? How can people argue over their children? Like how low can you go, right? Like I was really judgmental to the point that you're doing these things that are just so mean, right? And unkind and just really challenging to everybody. And I realized quite early on going through my divorce, how easy it is to actually fall into that.
00:12:01
Speaker
that negativity, that negative spiral. And I started changing. I'm like, oh, I started seeing some empathy towards those people. I'm like, I can see how people can get into this. You get so angry. You're humiliated. You're hurt. You feel betrayed. You feel embarrassed. You feel guilty. All these emotions.
00:12:19
Speaker
For me, especially, too, I mean, I grew up in a pretty religious household. So for me, this was like something that kind of went against a lot of my upbringing. It was very hard to tell. I mean, my parents were extremely supportive, but still it was like it was embarrassing. Right. And also nobody goes into marriage thinking, OK, I'm going to get divorced in four years. Like everyone thinks it's going to work, even though logically you're like the statistics show that half a marriage is end in divorce. Right. You're like, that's not going to be me. You're kind of in denial. Right.
00:12:46
Speaker
So I realized how easy it is for people to actually fall into that trap because there's just so many emotions going on. And how do you deal with all those emotions? I was pretty lucky. I didn't have children. We were pretty civilized going through our discussions. So there was not sort of that arguing or that like wrangling over custody or even assets, thankfully.
00:13:07
Speaker
But nevertheless, there were still times I was so angry and I felt myself just getting pulled into this really bitter, very negative, very hopeless feeling. And that's when I decided, okay, I don't want to be like that. So back to the identity piece, who do I want to be as I'm going through the situation? And who do I want to be when I leave the situation, when the situation kind of steadies out, and when I'm on to the other side? And that has really served me well since then.
00:13:34
Speaker
I've had other things that have happened to me that have been really impactful or really challenging and really hard. And the question that I always go back to is, OK, Vera, who do you want to be in the situation? Do you want to be the angry, bitter person? Because that's a decision. That's a choice. Or do you want to be someone who has optimism, who is able to look at things through the lens of, like you said, Nicole, maybe there's a lesson in here. What's the opportunity? Where is the gift?
00:13:59
Speaker
how can I lean into the best version of myself here? And what does that look like to me? Now, that's a daily decision. Like when you're going through something very challenging, and I always say this to my clients, is this has to be something that you decide and commit to every day, maybe even multiple times a day, right? Like your ex texts you, and all of a sudden you get triggered, right? And you're dysregulated emotionally. And you can just say something really crappy back, or you can decide, okay, actually, who do I want to be in this moment?
00:14:26
Speaker
So it becomes this like daily or multiple times a day thinking about this identity piece, who do I want to be? What's important to me?
00:14:34
Speaker
And that's the way to flip that identity piece that can go the other way. The feeling like, ugh, I'm in this situation and clearly that means these negative things about me versus regaining that sense of control to say, you know what, there is an opportunity for how I handle this to be part of my identity in the best way. Something that I can be really proud of during this hard time. And that feels powerful.
00:15:02
Speaker
Absolutely. And that's how you build resilience. That to me is resilience, is deciding how you want to be in that moment or in that day or in that situation. And you're right, it is that decision of how I want to identify in that situation. How can I inspire, influence people in my life around that, whether it's my children or
00:15:20
Speaker
my friends or just other people in general. If I'm looking at somebody, how can I learn from that person? So who do I want to be? If I want to be someone who is optimistic and hopeful, it doesn't mean that you have this toxic positivity or that things are just like this Pollyanna kind of outlook.
00:15:37
Speaker
It just means that you are approaching it from a higher frequency energy. You're not approaching it from a victim mindset. You're approaching it from an empowered mindset. I get to decide how I respond. And I always talk about reacting versus responding. We can react. We all react to things. We get triggered. We react. But the work really is in figuring out how can you stop the reaction, that primal reaction,
00:16:01
Speaker
and have the time to really respond in a way that feels good to you. So that the next day you're not like, oh my gosh, why did I say that? I can't believe I did that. Then you're dealing with all the like, you don't need more beating yourself up. I mean, it's gonna happen. We all react, right? Like there's times when I snap or say something in the next day. I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that, right? But it's part of the inner work of just like learning how to respond, learning how to respond and learning how to have greats with ourselves.
00:16:30
Speaker
when we don't make you respond in the right way. But what can we learn from that? Mallory, this feels like you. I was like, I can't. I'm like trying to bite my tongue. Like there's so much I could say. But what's resonating with me right now in this space is that my theme, which I may have mentioned in earlier episodes of season, my theme for the year is intentional devotion.
00:16:49
Speaker
And what you're saying to me, that is exactly what that is. You're making intentional choices on who you want to be and how you want your life to be rather than letting it just come to you or flow over you or just always reacting to what's happening. You're kind of trying to design a path and go that way and it may not go that way all the time.
00:17:07
Speaker
But that's the goal. You have a vision and you're making intentional choices. And I try to surround myself with people like that because it continues to inspire me to live an intentional life. You said several other things, but I want to get into before we kind of go more into the mindset, tactics and tools.
00:17:25
Speaker
You had a lot of struggles. You had a lot of worries. You had a lot of inner work to do. And I think a lot of women and midlife entrepreneurs, especially which is your niche of people, midlife women are going through transitions. And I'm curious how that experience of
00:17:42
Speaker
losing the job and the divorce, how eventually did that lead you into the role of coaching, which is what you're doing now? We kind of didn't get to how you even got to this point. Was it part of intentional choice that you made to become this version of yourself back then?
00:17:57
Speaker
Mm hmm. It was and I love your intention for the year intentional devotion, you can talk more about that. I love that. I agree 100% that living with intention is so empowering. So my decision to become a coach was very intentional. But what was interesting is that when I started university, I really wanted to get into HR and working with employee management relations and just really helping people, again, fulfill their goals, right resolve conflict, and
00:18:26
Speaker
Back then, as I was mentioning, I was really going with whatever people told me. I really believed what others were telling me. I don't think people tell you things maliciously or to steer you wrong, but sometimes if we're not listening to ourselves, we steer ourselves the wrong way. I heard a lot of people telling me, you don't want to do that. That's a really hard industry to get into. No one ever leaves HR. You won't be able to find a job, blah, blah, blah, all these things. I went into marketing.
00:18:53
Speaker
And I had a great career. I loved marketing. I had some great experiences. I worked for some great companies. It was able to travel and I learned a lot and I loved it. But always in the back of my mind, I'm like, man, I really wish I would have gone into HR because I really loved helping people. I loved connecting with people. I loved building relationships. I loved resolving things that people were conflicted on.
00:19:13
Speaker
And so I think it was interesting to me how life is. Sometimes when we're unintentional, the things that we're meant to do come back to us anyways, but we need to be ready for that. And then we learn how to be more intentional. And so when I was fired in 2011, I thought, okay, this is a great
00:19:30
Speaker
opportunity to maybe do something that I wanted to do for a long time, which was to strike out on my own. And I started doing some consulting work. I was doing some freelance marketing work. And a couple of years after that, I thought, you know what, maybe now is the time to go get my coaching certification. It had been something I'd be thinking about for a long time and just had never committed.
00:19:47
Speaker
I made excuses like it's expensive. It takes too much time. Is this really what I want to do? Like all those things that hold us back. But when I got a taste of freelance and contract work and consulting work, I really fell in love with that lifestyle, with the freedom of it, you know, with the autonomy that it afforded me.
00:20:04
Speaker
And there was a variety that afforded me. So I got certified as a life coach in 2016 and started doing some coaching on the side of my other stuff that I was doing. I decided to go back to corporate shortly after that for a number of different reasons. One of them was that I hadn't been focusing on business development. And we all know as entrepreneurs, we need to always be focusing on business development.
00:20:26
Speaker
I digress a little bit, but something that I did not do when I started doing my consulting contract freelance work was I didn't ask for help. Like I didn't hire a coach. I mean, I went to some networking events with women and that type of thing, but I didn't really get the help that I needed to be supported through the transition from corporate to entrepreneurship. And so I didn't really know what I was doing. It went fine until all of a sudden all my contracts were done.
00:20:51
Speaker
And I had nothing else lined up. And I was single at the time. How am I going to do this? And so I decided to go back into the corporate world. And actually, it was great because my first job back was working for a not-for-profit, which felt really purposeful. I learned a lot. I met some amazing people. It was something I'd always wanted to do was work for a not-for-profit. So again, I mean, opportunity, right? So it was really great. But I always knew that I would go back in some way, shape, or form to doing something on my own.
00:21:16
Speaker
And I knew it would involve coaching because I loved it so much. I loved working one-on-one with people. I'm a cheerleader at heart. I love encouraging people. I love cheering people on. I get so much fulfillment seeing people's progress when they achieve their goals and I can celebrate with them.
00:21:33
Speaker
and to just help them see their blind spots. And I'm always honored when people let me into their life and share with me their innermost thoughts and feelings and desires. And I'm really honored to be walking alongside them, helping them achieve what they want to achieve and really shine their light, right? So I knew that I would always go back to it in some way, shape or form. And that happened when COVID hit, which I think happened for a lot of people, a lot of us. Sure. Right? COVID hits more like, what?
00:22:00
Speaker
What the fuck are we doing? What am I doing? I've had a lot of clients that were like, I hate my job. What am I doing here? A lot of soul searching. Tons of soul searching. And me included.
Pandemic and New Beginnings
00:22:12
Speaker
What am I doing? Especially at the beginning, there was so much turmoil and so many things going on and so much uncertainty. I'm like, oh, for sure I'm going to lose my job now.
00:22:20
Speaker
And it did scare me. I'm like, you know what? Now's the time. Now's the time to step out on my own where no one's telling me that my hours are cut back or you're going to get laid off because of this and that. We all know that entrepreneurship is hard and owning your own business is challenging, but we also know that you get to control things too.
00:22:36
Speaker
right? You can kind of decide how you want to be, what you want to charge, who you want to work with, and most importantly, do something that really fills you up. And so for me, that was coaching. So I started getting back into the coaching and I was doing that on the side of my corporate work, which was great because we're all working remotely. So I had more time. The blessings of Zoom
00:22:56
Speaker
happens, right? Like when I was coaching before, it was all face-to-face in-person meetings, which takes a lot of time. And face-to-face is great. I love doing in-person retreats. Mallory knows that. I love doing workshops. I love doing in-person things. But the technology piece has been such a blessing to a lot of us because A, we can cut down on commute time. We can meet when things are convenient for us, right? We can meet people all over the world.
00:23:22
Speaker
Nicole, right? You're in a different country. I have clients that are in the US that are all over Canada, different time zones. So that was how I got back into coaching. And that was very intentional. Like I knew that that was going to be the case. And I was also very intentional about, okay, now I know that I need support, right? I know that I need people around me. I'm very intentional
00:23:43
Speaker
about who I surround myself with. And we talked about that like amazing people attract amazing people. And so start off with like, who's around you and then you're going to meet more people around that and get that support from that perspective, but also the support of investing in support to whether that's a business coach or other types of support systems to help you get your business up and running and successful. So yes, that was very interesting.
00:24:09
Speaker
I think that's really important that you say, you know, going to it the second time with more focus on making it long lasting, that you change the type of support that you needed. And I'm curious if that opened up some room in your mindset to also do some of that deep work of healing from your divorce, right? And kind of reestablishing who you were and dealing with COVID.
00:24:36
Speaker
How were you able to kind of create space for doing that deep work on yourself at the same time as starting a business? It's so funny because I think that there's always a deeper layer. The inner work doesn't stop like we're always doing our inner work and every new experience that we have, whether it's quote unquote good or quote unquote bad, it's teaching us something and it's like de-layering one more thing, right? It's inviting us to go even deeper.
00:25:04
Speaker
So I think COVID did that for a lot of people. We had to go deep. What does this mean for me? Why am I feeling like this? What's next for me? How can I actually live more intentionally? And what do I want to do? And what's important to me? So all these questions. I went through a major challenge in my relationship shortly after COVID ended as I was starting up my new business. That's when the tools kick in. That's when that muscle memory kicks in of who do I want to be, what do I need to do, and what's important to me.
00:25:32
Speaker
And knowing how to regulate your nervous system when something happens, that's very disruptive. Because that's really what we're talking about, right? It doesn't matter what happens. Whether it's COVID or a job loss, or you get divorced, or your child gets sick, or something else happens, we get dysregulated. A, it's up to us to recognize that.
00:25:51
Speaker
but then also learn the tools and strategies that are going to get us out of overwhelm, which is the state of being in fight, flight, or freeze. And when we're in fight, flight, or freeze, we're living in fear. We're living in doubt. We can't think clearly. We can't be focused. We're just making reactive decisions, which is why I'm so big on getting ourselves regulated so that we can make decisions that are best for us.
00:26:15
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:27:05
Speaker
So something that I feel like might speak to you is that I've been thinking about this more from, you know, I spent a lot of time thinking about anxiety and how it shows up in lives, but I've been thinking about this phrase of needing to be your own first responder.
00:27:21
Speaker
And it's just been like coming back to my mind the last couple of weeks as being like, you know what, I am always going to be the first one on the scene with me in anything. So how do I show up as like the best first responder that I can, which is a total work in progress and we will accept all the tools.
00:27:41
Speaker
But that's something where I think, you know, we just need to almost remove ourselves a little bit from the situation and say, you know what, if I were literally just a first responder in this situation, how do I want to show up? And how do I want to, like you said, respond, not react?
00:27:58
Speaker
And to just be one of those people that's very calm under pressure and maybe has the checklist of what needs to be done and triages the situation and removes the emotion from it and just takes the actions that need to be taken. So I'm curious if that resonates with you as you are the first one to show up for you. So you need the tools to do that.
00:28:21
Speaker
That's such a powerful analogy. I'm going to borrow that because I think that's so true. We need to look after ourselves first. No one else is going to come and rescue us. We can have people around us that support us and encourage us and give us advice and give us guidance. And we definitely need that. But at the end of the day, it's up to us to actually make the decision to A, ask for help.
00:28:44
Speaker
be open to it, but do the work. Like no one else can do that hard work for us. No one else can process our emotions for us. We can have someone walking with us, walking beside us, holding our hand, but at the end of the day it has to be us. So I love that analogy of like, we need to be our own first responders. And I love that. It resonates with me so much. And I think that's so true. And I think that's where you go back to like, what kind of person do I want to be right now in this situation? Who am I?
00:29:13
Speaker
What does that look like? What would a person who is intentional, who is calm under pressure, who loves their family, whatever it is that's important to you, what would that person do right now? So this is all reminding me, at the end of last year when I do my work that I always do going into the new year, this visualization exercise that I did, I had given myself a gift, as you're instructed to do in this visualization,
00:29:39
Speaker
And the gift was one of those little heart necklaces where it's cut in half and it's like BFFs. But I was giving it to myself. It was like I got both pieces of the heart. So it's another way to look at what you're saying is like I have the power and the strength and everything that I need inside me to guide me to the next best version of myself.
00:30:01
Speaker
Yeah. And so I think that can dovetail us into maybe a little bit more of some of the teachings that you do with your clients. So you had said one mindset shift was what happens to you versus for you. Like if you could switch that, I thought that was really great, like a good reminder. So maybe do you want to speak on that a little more and or some other teachings that you cover a lot with women that come up a lot, different things that you do over and over again?
00:30:26
Speaker
Yeah, and I mean, something that you said, Mallory, just about those giving us ourselves those tarts and knowing, knowing deep down that everything that we need is within us.
Listening to Inner Voice and Emotions
00:30:36
Speaker
So one of the very first things that I always tell my clients or people that I talk to is that you need to tune out that external noise.
00:30:44
Speaker
Because our inner voice is really quiet. It's gentle. It's like a whisper. It's not yelly. And so we can't always hear it. And a lot of times, also, we have all this splatter. We have these experiences and this programming, this conditioning, all these layers that can hide or tune out our own inner wisdom. And so for me, one of the very first things is, okay, how can you get still and quiet?
00:31:07
Speaker
Even if it's just for five minutes a day, giving yourself, allowing yourself that gift of time. And it doesn't have to be an hour. Like, hey, if you have an hour to journal and meditate, amazing. But I know that a lot of people don't and a lot of us don't and we're busy. So even if you can find five or 10 minutes in your day, turn everything off, put your phone away, turn the TV off. Because a lot of times we use the external noise as kind of a distraction.
00:31:32
Speaker
or a way to ignore what we're feeling and kind of like mask it. So the first thing really is to get quiet and still and really ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? What do I feel? And then what do I need to do with that? And those challenging emotions, right? Like, I don't know if you ladies know the work of Susan David. She talks about emotions and feelings being information. They're neither good nor bad. We label them as good or bad. Sure. We label them as positive and negative. But the reality is that as human beings, we experience all emotions and all feelings.
00:32:02
Speaker
And life is not like all, oh, yay, butterflies and rainbows, right? Like it's not always these happy emotions. We also need to experience those emotions that we find challenging, like anger or sadness or grief or any of those kinds of things like guilt, shame.
00:32:19
Speaker
But we can't process those feelings or emotions if we're not letting them come up to the surface, if we're masking them by listening to the news, God forbid, or other things, or just constantly having other people in our ear. Not that those people necessarily are bad or negative, but it's just we need to take time to listen to ourselves. That's always the number one thing for me. On top of that is also the journaling piece, like getting it out of your head.
00:32:44
Speaker
getting it out of your heart onto paper. There's something very powerful about writing down what you're feeling, writing down what you're experiencing, and then seeing it in black and white. So having some time to have a practice of that. And the other thing that you said a little while ago, Mallory, was about your words for the year, this intentional devotion, like your vision, your goal is to have this intentional devotion. And I love that you use the word devotion because something that I've been talking about recently a lot is this word ritual.
00:33:14
Speaker
So creating a ritual for ourselves. So we've all heard about morning routines and how important they are. And it's important to have a routine for this and a sleep hygiene routine, which sounds so clinical, like sleep hygiene. Yes, I get it. And it's super important. Please have a sleep hygiene routine. But it just sounds clinical, right? Please just call it something else. Call it something else, right? That's why I call it a sleep ritual. What's your end of day ritual?
00:33:37
Speaker
What's your start of day ritual? What's your end of work day ritual? Instead of a routine, which can sound almost like you need to check the box. Like, did I do my journaling check? Did I do my meditation check? Did I do my affirmations check? Did I go for a walk? Check. And that works. Hey, habit trackers work. I'm a big fan of habit trackers or talking about our accomplishments, writing things down that we achieve, and celebrating those. But something about the word ritual, to me, evokes something more special. It's kind of like your word, devotion.
00:34:06
Speaker
Like it's sacred. And so allowing ourselves that gift of creating rituals for ourselves. And it doesn't have to take long. It could be five or ten minute ritual. And it could be something you already do. But as we speak about mindset, it's shifting that mindset away from this as a routine, something that I should do.
00:34:23
Speaker
to a ritual, something that I get to do for myself, that's going to bring me out of overwhelm into the present moment and really let me listen to myself. So it could be as simple as in the afternoon or in the morning when you're brewing yourself a cup of coffee, buy yourself good coffee, do the French press thing, like do the whole thing, like the little ritual of it, right? Or the tea, like really enjoy the smell of it. Same with end of day ritual, like as you wash your face,
00:34:49
Speaker
buy some really nice lotion or expensive cream. Something that's luxurious, that makes you feel special. That's the first part of loving ourselves. We talked about that. How do we start to love ourselves? It's by showing ourselves love, by being the first responders to ourselves. Right. Be your own example. That's how it starts, by doing these seemingly little things
00:35:12
Speaker
But I find is changing it to the word ritual for me makes it seem more special. Like I get to put on my pajamas now and they're nice pajamas, right? They feel good on my skin. I have expensive hand motion I put on and I just take the time to be and smell it and be with myself.
00:35:29
Speaker
And that takes like not very long, right? But it gets you into a different form of mind. Being more aware and noticing, right? Being intentional. Yeah. Being intentional. Being very intentional about it because we rush through things because life is busy and we need to get through things and the kids are screaming and blah, blah, blah and the dinner needs to be made. And I get that. I'm not taking away from the things that are happening in our life. But just ask yourself how you can create that five minutes of ritual for everyone that's going to look a little bit different.
00:35:56
Speaker
And I have clients who are busy business owners like you're busy, but you know you have people you have clients that are busy business owners and they still find time for this because they know how important it is. And it goes back to that oxygen mask analogy that we all know about like if you are not looking after yourself, there is no way that you can look after the people that you love or your business or your work.
00:36:17
Speaker
to the best possible capacity. You just can't. And so it really is changing that mindset around, oh, what does this look like for me? What does loving myself look like to me? And I'm wondering when you talk about kind of creating this space. I love the word ritual, by the way. I'm changing everything from routine to ritual from now on, starting today. But I'm curious when you talk about kind of creating this space and the quiet for a quieter inner voice
00:36:44
Speaker
What happens when you have the clients that are really going through some tough times and they may not have that self trust anymore, right? So they may be saying, yeah, that's great. And I can turn down the volume on things. And guess what? The voice that's left.
00:36:58
Speaker
don't trust her, don't trust her. So how do you coach someone through something that has impacted their identity in a tough time and say, okay, well, this is still important for us to hear what you're saying and develop that self-trust again? Because that feels like a piece that you need to move forward.
00:37:18
Speaker
It really is. And there's even times now where I'm like, I don't know if I trust that inner voice, right? When things start getting really challenging. When I start questioning, is this the right business for me? Like, how come I'm not getting new clients? You know, what am I doing, quote unquote, wrong? Like we all fall, like I do for anyways, I do fall into that sometimes, right? Like I go down that path sometimes of like, oh my gosh, right? The fear, the doubt, the, is this the right thing for me to do the questioning?
00:37:43
Speaker
And it's usually because I've let the external noise kind of get the best of me. I'm like, you got to be honest with yourself. Like what have you done? I'm usually like, Oh, I've been on social media for too much. Right. You're like, I went on LinkedIn. Oops. Yeah. I mean, I'm on LinkedIn a lot, but maybe I just was comparing myself a little bit too much. Right. Or, you know, I haven't journaled in a long time.
00:38:05
Speaker
Or over the holidays, I let my meditation practice kind of go. And it really is a practice, right? We talked about the everyday commitment. And I think that's how you start getting that self-trust back. A couple of different ways. You just have to commit to it every day and know that, hey, I can't really hear it. But the more that you do it, that whisper will become louder. You'll be able to hear it a lot more.
00:38:26
Speaker
It's not like, well, one day I'm just going to turn all the music off in my house and be quiet and oh, I'm going to hear everything. I wish it was that easy. And sometimes it is. We get downloads or we get channeled messages right away, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes we do have to commit to it every day and just really dig deep and keep doing it.
00:38:42
Speaker
I think the other piece of it is also having someone to support you, whether that's a coach or a therapist or a good friend, like somebody that can help you see what you don't see, because we get in our own heads a lot of times. And I mean, that's the whole power of having a coach or an advisor or a mentor, right? Whatever kind of help that works for you. But really having someone that can be direct with you and honest with you and say, hey, have you looked at it from this perspective?
00:39:09
Speaker
or here's what I'm seeing and being open to that because sometimes we can't see it. And I mean, that's why I have a coach, right? Because I'll get in my own head or I'm in my own way or I need to be taken off the ledge and you can't do it by yourself. So I think those are two big things, right? I keep doing it, trust the process and then get help.
00:39:25
Speaker
How do you show yourself grace in those moments where speed bump, you know, or maybe someone calls you out on something that they see and you didn't, or you realize that you've done something that doesn't align with the person you wanted to be in that situation. What is the other side of action is also showing yourself a little bit of grace and compassion. And I'm wondering if you find that women struggle with that.
00:39:51
Speaker
We sure do, right? We sure do, because we tend to focus on what didn't get done. We tend to focus on the things that didn't go so well. I don't know why. And I think maybe not just women, I think humans in general, like we have a natural negativity bias. Like we just generally go towards negativity. And I think it's our brain protecting us from the unknown.
00:40:11
Speaker
So I think knowing that, like knowing, okay, we have a negativity bias, it's going to happen. But we are very hard on ourselves, very, very hard on ourselves. So I find with coaching that helps, like having someone that can look at you and say, look Vera, look at all the stuff that you've done. So someone like a third party that can help you. Sometimes talking to yourself in a third person also is super helpful. Thinking about if the situation was reversed and my best friend came to me and was telling me what I'm telling myself right now, what would I tell her? I find that a really powerful reframe as well.
00:40:41
Speaker
if you're open to that. And just being like, oh yeah, I would never talk to anyone like this, right? Or I would like recognize it. Literally anyone. Literally anyone, right? But I do talk to myself. Sure. And I think back to that question as well. What do I need right now? Like I ask that myself a lot. What do I need right now? And just being like, it's OK. Like at the end of the day, we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. And again, that's part of the inner work. That's part of the practice. Maybe that's part of the ritual at the end of the day.
00:41:08
Speaker
Okay, what didn't go so well? What did I learn from that? But also what did I do? What went well today?
Personal Values as a North Star
00:41:15
Speaker
What am I proud of myself for today?
00:41:18
Speaker
I'm curious about one of the big things that I think you work on with your clients is identifying values and how important those are. When I did an extended coaching program a couple of years ago, that was one of the first things we did was identify our values. And they've really helped me to rely on when I get stuck.
00:41:39
Speaker
Make decisions based on those values that you identified in a place when you weren't in a crisis or down. But if you agree with that, and you can elaborate on that if you do or not, but what are some ways to help people identify their values? How do they even go about that if they haven't done that before? Yeah, 100% agree with that.
00:42:00
Speaker
I think values are probably one of the most important things. That's one of the first things I do with my clients as well is identify their values or clarify their values or reconnect with their values, right? If it's something they've done before, but it's kind of forget. Values are really how we... It's about what's important to us. It's what guides us in our decisions, in our action steps. It's kind of like our North Star, right? They're a bit aspirational.
00:42:24
Speaker
liberal values, but the intention is that we live our values. And for me, I know a lot of times when, say, I don't feel like doing something, or I'm having a bit of a down day, or I'm being hard on myself, I'm like, okay, well, what would a person who values these things do?
00:42:42
Speaker
Oh, right. Well, one of my core values is wellness. So I would probably move my body, right? Or I would eat something healthy. And so it does help you make decisions when you're going through something challenging. And you can practice those with small decisions, like what should I eat today?
00:42:59
Speaker
I go to the gym today or not?" Those kinds of questions. And so then when those big things happen, it becomes a little bit easier to say, well, what would a person with these values do? They really do help guide. I think there's lots of different ways to develop your values. I actually am happy to send this over as a link, but I have some worksheets on that. How do you develop your values? I have a list of a whole bunch of different
00:43:23
Speaker
words, and then I have a bit of a system of how to go through that, right? So identifying maybe your top 10 values in that list and then narrowing down to five and then ultimately trying to narrow it down to three, just kind of three to four is kind of where I think most core values sit at. And then taking those three words and writing a bit of a sentence around them, like what does this mean to you?
00:43:46
Speaker
Because I just said, one of my core values is wellness. Well, if I say that to you, Nicole, you're going to have a different interpretation of that for yourself, as is Mallory. And so for me, it's like, what does that mean for me? And then writing that out, and then posting it somewhere that you can see every day. And making that part of even, it could be part of your ritual. It could be part of your daily routine as you start your day. It could be part of your monthly goal planning. How do my values help me align with some of my goals and action steps and things like that?
00:44:16
Speaker
So you can use them in a lot of different ways, but it always comes back to like, this is what's most important to you. So as I talk with clients, or as we go through different scenarios or situations, like, well, reminding them, remember, one of your values is x. Oh, yeah, that's right. So this is how I'm going to like, reframe the situation. And here's the steps that I want to do. Here's some actions I'm going to do around that that support this value.
00:44:38
Speaker
I feel like the values can also help to almost diagnose why you're feeling the way you feel because sometimes it's that a value is not put into action right now, right? And so what you're feeling is the lack of that being in place and being able to say, okay, well, maybe I'm in a tough time right now.
00:44:58
Speaker
what are the values that I'm not seeing and why does that, that's kind of why I'm feeling this way, right? Because I'm not putting that into place. So what are some easy, you know, low hanging fruit ways that I can do one thing for each of my three values right now?
00:45:15
Speaker
Yeah. Right. And just kind of back into some little baby action steps. Yeah. To inject those back. Totally. I call that misalignment, right? Like you're not in alignment with what's important to you. And that's kind of when you sometimes feel a bit off, like kind of what you're saying. Sometimes people experience this with friend groups that they've had for a long time. Like they're just like, I don't know, just not how it used to be. I just don't feel supported. And it's like not that those people are like anything's wrong with them. But I always point out, well, what are your values and what are their values?
00:45:45
Speaker
People feel this way in jobs too. And this is, we talked about this, right? When COVID hit, everyone was like, ah, I hate my job, right? Well, it's usually because there's some misalignment of values. Like if one of your values is I want to create purpose or I want to help people and you're working for somebody that doesn't do that, then there's a misalignment there, right? It doesn't have to be exact alignment, but there has to be like a consistency somewhat on the same level. And so I love your idea of like baby steps.
00:46:09
Speaker
What's the tiny step that you can take towards living that value today? How can you focus a bit more energy into even one area of your life that's going to support that value a little bit more?
00:46:22
Speaker
is I think you can almost guarantee you will feel better if you are living those values. And so if you can find one little way to, you know, one of Mallory's values, I believe is spaciousness, which we've talked about some today. But it's like, if you can be in that moment of being like, I just like, I'm not feeling right today. Maybe there's a tiny thing that you can do to add spaciousness because you know that because that's one of your core values that has like a certain amount of power to it.
00:46:51
Speaker
like an outsized power to whatever you decide to do about it. Like that will almost give you like an extra boost. I find too with like, especially in that example of spaciousness, a lot of times I don't have space because of what I call my stresslings, my children, my blessings and my stress. I love them so much. And yet they are very stressful sometimes.
00:47:15
Speaker
So it's very hard for me, but one of the things lately, just this year that I've just started to try and do again is thinking of my value of spaciousness, but in a way where it's like, okay, but you're lacking space because of such a big blessing in your life. So this is a season of your life.
00:47:32
Speaker
make space for like two minutes if you can like do what you can and then give yourself grace because this is just now and it won't always be this way and you will miss it and try to like flip the switch so you don't feel like shamed and guilty then or even just like more upset like okay no I feel this way because of this and that's fine it's a season of life that I'm in and it will always be this way.
00:47:54
Speaker
So that's a little reframe and a little trick I do. I wanted to ask you, what have you seen as a trend with your clients or for yourself in personal examples where physical and mental wellness overlap?
Physical Activity and Mental Health Connection
00:48:07
Speaker
Those two things are so closely linked to me. I don't think you can have one without the other. I think having something that you do with your body, move your body in some way, shape, or form every day, is really the key to mental wellness. It really is. So I see that all the time. I see that with myself. When I don't work out one morning, I feel tired in the afternoon. I just feel a little bit off. And that impacts my mental wellness, my mental well-being, my energy.
00:48:35
Speaker
So it's finding what works for you that's going to work physically. So eating well, maybe decreasing alcohol intake. For me, that's been a huge one. So for about the last year, I've almost stopped drinking alcohol completely. There's still the odd occasion when I'm on holidays. I love having a good margarita on the beach. But for the most part, just releasing that need to have an alcoholic beverage. And I'm sleeping better. I don't wake up with headaches as much anymore on the weekends. I have enough to deal with going through perimenopause.
00:49:03
Speaker
with hormones and headaches. That's a whole other topic. Yes. Right. But it's like being proactive. Yeah, we'll get to it. But being proactive about that, because I know that that helps me so much. And again, not feeling the need because society says it's Friday night, you should have a glass of wine.
00:49:20
Speaker
What are other ways for me that's going to work for me? It's actually so interesting because even the other day I was getting my brows done and my esthetician was saying, you know, I find that when I drink in the morning, I beat myself up so much the next day. Like I feel so ashamed. I feel like I just think about all the things that are not going right in my life. And I'm like, that's so interesting, right? She's like, I just need to cut back because she's really recognizing the impact that it has on her mental wellness.
00:49:48
Speaker
Sure, it may be fun in the moment. So it's things like that. It's finding what's going to work for you. For me, I'm a big believer in eating healthy, eating unprocessed foods, drinking lots of water, getting outside. The power of nature is healer. Whether that's in our urban environment, it doesn't matter. There's still nature. We have grass and flowers and trees. We live in the Rocky Mountains, so we're very blessed. So we can see that. We're very nearby for that. But getting outside for a walk,
00:50:14
Speaker
stretching. Again, everyone has to find what works for them going to the gym lifting weights, right? So important, so key, and that plays such a huge, huge component in our mental wellness.
00:50:25
Speaker
I also think I want to just highlight one thing quickly because I could feel myself get overwhelmed from it. Like I need to do all these things, putting the shoulds in there where they don't need to be, or I want to be this version. So now I want to do all these things because I know this next version of myself is a person that does all these things. So I just want to highlight back to where you said, and Nicole's mentioned it too, I think there also needs to be space for rest and grace.
00:50:52
Speaker
And we don't have to do it right now. And if you're having misalignment, it doesn't mean you have to change everything right the second. Maybe just taking a pause is the action step, right? So I think I'm saying this more for myself to be like, okay, take a breath. This all is great. Oh, I thought you were saying it to me.
00:51:07
Speaker
to all of us. It's great information, but it doesn't mean we have to go run out and do all these things. These are all tools to execute when it feels right. I just want to highlight that again. Give ourselves grace, right? And thank you for saying that because I get really passionate about this and I have lots of ideas and I have lots of things that I want to share with people. So thank you for bringing that to the forefront because yes, that is so important. And I think a lot of times we think, and I don't mean this to come across as like, you need to make these wholesale changes in your life.
00:51:36
Speaker
because there can be, but we don't need to make wholesale changes because what happens when we start making too big of a change, we get overwhelmed and then we stop doing it because it's just too much. So I agree with you and I say this all the time to my clients, like you don't need to do everything at once. So we're going to start off with like what is
00:51:54
Speaker
The most important, we'll kind of talk about that. And then what's the smallest, tiniest thing that you can do to start today? Because you can't do it all. You can't say, I have to improve my eating, and then I need to work on my spiritual practice. And then I need to get out with my friends more. I need to have a better relationship with my spouse. Those things are too many. But knowing that if you make one tiny change in one of those things, it's going to positively impact
00:52:21
Speaker
all areas of your life. So it's deciding and figuring out like, where do I feel the most called to? Where do I feel the most stuck? Where do I feel that maybe the most energy and that's again, the beauty of having someone that can help you through that or even just taking a bit of time. You're right. That's a total step in itself. Like just, Hey, if I can just create two minutes to myself, making myself a coffee every morning,
00:52:46
Speaker
Wow, that could literally improve so many aspects of your life. And that's all you need to do. And you don't need to do anything else, right? So you're right, like giving yourself the grace, giving yourself that permission to, it doesn't have to be big. Start small, like doing the small things makes you feel like, yay, I did it. And celebrate that. I took two minutes a day. That's amazing. And I never, and I didn't feel guilty, right? I gave myself that gift. Do that for a couple of weeks, just do that.
00:53:15
Speaker
Yeah, that's it. We have a phrase in the horse writing world in our lessons where we'll say, let the correction do the correcting.
Trusting Small Changes for Positive Impact
00:53:22
Speaker
And that reminds me of that where it's just like, you know what? If you pick one little thing and you do it, just trust that that will be doing the work for you. You don't need to perpetually be doing. You can pick one thing and then just let it do its thing. You are not responsible for everything that comes after that. So that's important.
00:53:44
Speaker
Oh, again, we could go on and on. I'm sure you have more insights. Maybe you'll have to come on again in the future. But thank you for your time and your wisdom and sharing all this insight with us and all of us, you know, just as a gift to all of us and our listeners. So thank you for being here. You're welcome. And thank you for having me. Yes, we could talk about this for hours, I know, but hopefully this has been
00:54:07
Speaker
helpful. Hopefully it sparked some ideas. Like all of the things that I'm talking about are with the intention of sparking an idea that's going to work for you in your life, in your circumstance. But it's just also with the intention of giving hope that there are lots of tools and strategies that you can tap into. There are people here to support you. There's a lot of resources that are no cost or low cost, like through you, through me, through other people that you have on this podcast and other
00:54:35
Speaker
resources that are available to people. So take advantage of those, right? And always do what's best for you and always know that you deserve that you deserve a life that you love, you're worthy, you're valuable, and we need you to be the best version of yourself. So together, we can change the world, right? So yeah, beautiful.
Closing and Listener Engagement
00:54:56
Speaker
I appreciate I appreciate both of you so much. Thank you.
00:54:59
Speaker
All right, everybody, thank you for tuning in. That is a wrap for this week. We will see you here same time, same place next week. Chat then. Thanks for listening. Hop over to UnboundBoss.com to join our community and leave us a voice memo. We absolutely love hearing from you. If you like the podcast, please subscribe, leave us an Apple review and share your favorite episodes with other women entrepreneurs. Talk to you soon.