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From Single to Successful Couple – a conversation with Mila Smith
1 Playsin 13 hours
Don't trust your love life to fate, take the scientific approach
A thought‑provoking episode of Rest and Recreation, sees host Michael Millward and Mila Smith, a Berkshire based science‑backed relationship consultant, about one of life’s most misunderstood transitions: how to go from being single to becoming part of a healthy, lasting couple.
Drawing on her journey of unhealthy relationships and divorce to nine years of stable, happy marriage – Mila explains how focusing on science rather than fate resulted in a revitalised love life. As Mila says, “I had a few unhealthy relationships… then one day I realized, it was not luck and it was not someone else's fault… I was the cause of the problem!”
Mila and Michael unpack:
- Why modern dating feels harder than ever, and how apps create an “illusion of abundance” that keeps people searching instead of connecting.
- The unrealistic expectations of partners. Can you be lover, friend, co‑parent, adventure buddy, therapist, and soulmate all at once.
- The three scientific pillars of a healthy relationship:
- Trust, not just in fidelity but in emotional safety.
- Shared key life values, from family and money to spirituality and politics.
- Constructive conflict resolution, including the “time‑out” technique to prevent arguments from escalating.
- Why love and relationship are not the same thing, and how passion inevitably evolves into companionate love rooted in friendship – “one of our fundamental evolutionary needs.”
Michael reflects on cultural differences, personal experiences, and the importance of learning how relationships really work – rather than assuming they should come naturally. Together, they highlight that successful coupledom isn’t about fate or chemistry alone, but about conscious choices, aligned values, and shared rules for navigating life together.
Warm, insightful, and refreshingly honest, this episode will make you not just to feel love, but to understand it.
Discover more about Mila Smith and Michael at Abeceder.co.uk
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Made on Zencastr. Because Zencastr is the all-in-one podcasting platform that really does make making podcasts so easy. There is a link with a built-in discount in the description.
00:00:18
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Rest and Recreation, the work-life balance podcast from Abbasida, where we don't tell you what to think, but we are hoping to make you think.
00:00:29
Speaker
I am your host, Michael Millward.
Meet Mila Smith: From Tech to Relationships
00:00:32
Speaker
Today, Mila Smith, a science-backed relationship consultant, is going to be explaining to me how to go from being single to being part of a couple.
00:00:42
Speaker
Mila is based in Berkshire in the United Kingdom. Whenever I visit Berkshire, I make use of my membership of the Ultimate Travel Club to access trade prices on flights, hotels, trains, holidays and all sorts of other travel related purchases.
00:00:57
Speaker
You can also access those trade prices on travel by joining the Ultimate Travel Club. To make that easy, i have added a link to the description which has a built-in discount on subscriptions. And just like me, you will be travelling at trade prices.
00:01:12
Speaker
Now that I have paid some bills, it is time to make an episode of Rest and Recreation that will be well worth listening to, liking, downloading and subscribing to, and also well worth sharing with your friends and family as well.
00:01:27
Speaker
Hello Mila. Hi Michael, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you very much. I'm happy to have you here as well. And I'm interested, really, I suppose, before we talk about going from being single to being part of a couple, I um admit it, I did not know that there were such things as relationship consultants, especially science-backed ones. How did you become a relationship consultant?
00:01:50
Speaker
I have to go back a few years, Michael. So my career has been a bit of a zigzag, to be honest. So I worked in international tech in the corporate environment for over 20 years. That is not the interesting part. We both worked in the high tech industries internationally and we're both out of it now.
00:02:14
Speaker
It's an exciting industry to be in. it It was. We had some great years, I must admit. And I always worked in customer facing and relationship management roles. Right.
00:02:25
Speaker
To be honest, the transition wasn't as stark, wasn't as drastic as people think. But the interesting, the juicy part is that my personal life was a real mess, if I'm very honest. I had a few unhealthy relationships which ended, one divorce.
00:02:44
Speaker
And of course, like many people, I blamed the universe and everyone else.
The Epiphany and Science of Relationships
00:02:49
Speaker
Until one day actually realized that it was not luck and it was not someone else's fault, that it it was all down to me and my decisions. Yeah, one of those moments, I suppose. Truth, an epiphany, yeah. Yeah, an epiphany where you sort yeah, best to just have a sit down and a think and calm down about it, I should think.
00:03:10
Speaker
That's exactly, that's exactly what I did um instead of charging head again and dating or getting into another relationship. So, That was about 10 years ago.
00:03:22
Speaker
Relationship and dating coaching just barely existed in the UK. So I had no choice but to start researching the science and the subject myself. Of course, there were psychologists and therapists who could help individuals in many ways, especially understanding themselves, but they could never give me the answers that I needed, which is how on earth Do I choose a compatible partner who is going to stick by me, is not going to cheat, and how we can build a happy life together?
00:03:58
Speaker
It's a small thing to ask for, is it, really? It's one of those things that everybody takes for granted, I think, in many ways, that this is part of life. It is what is going to happen. But when just listening to you there, just list out those those criteria, you know, someone who's going to stand by you, someone who's not going to cheat on you. It sounds like it it should be just part of life, but it is more difficult to find than people think. Absolutely. and Anyone can fall in love. yeah That's the easy part.
00:04:29
Speaker
But building a relationship is a completely different story. And this is something we don't necessarily have the innate knowledge of, especially if we don't have great role models in our childhood.
00:04:42
Speaker
But what I found most striking is considering the importance of personal relationships, of marriage, for our wellbeing and for our future generations, our children, is that how little thought is given to the choice of a potential partner by an average person and myself in the past.
00:05:05
Speaker
So people rely on chemistry, hormones and fate. Once realized that, I was able to take certain steps and transform my own love life remarkably quickly within months.
Founding a Relationship Consultancy
00:05:23
Speaker
And I have been happily married for for a few years and we have been together for nearly nine years. Congratulations. Thank you. Eventually, um about five years ago, I decided to start building this consultancy, build this business. So I retrained and I started helping others transform their love life.
00:05:46
Speaker
It's a completely different to the tech world, I suppose. In some ways, it's very different, but it's a subject close to my heart. um I've always been passionate about it. Also, I studied history and anthropology, which is a study of humans, yeah so not not a complete departure.
00:06:04
Speaker
What I realized, again, is that there's a huge gap in services, in consulting services, in coaching services, whilst we have pretty much everything covered from nutrition to ah business, parenting, career consulting, financial advisors.
Online Dating and Societal Shifts
00:06:23
Speaker
And yet, as I said, that one part, which is so, so important to our well-being and our children's well-being, that is a part of the market which is seriously underserved.
00:06:39
Speaker
I go to the gym. And in the gym, there are younger people than me who are very comfortable with discussing the various different dating apps that they are using. Whereas when I was their age, no one talked about using a dating agency or placing an advert in the Lonely Hearts column in the newspaper or anything like that. That would have been...
00:07:01
Speaker
something that would have been really embarrassing to ah admit to. quite But nowadays, people are much more comfortable with using the dating apps to find a partner. That's right.
00:07:14
Speaker
but Well, do you see an impact of that in the people that you are meeting as well? I do and I don't. And I will explain why. So first of all, this dating crisis has been building up probably decades.
00:07:28
Speaker
So first of all, the society has changed. Families are more spread out. People live in different countries overseas. Communities are certainly are less close-knit.
00:07:41
Speaker
And instead of being introduced by friends and relatives, as it happened in the past, people have largely migrated online. What happened once the dating platforms, websites and apps were introduced, then business behind it, the commercial side has taken it to another level. So I'm not against dating apps, by the way. And full disclosure, I met my husband online on a reputable dating website. And we're delighted, although we we were both, ah you know, just probably 10 miles apart, we would have never met because we were we were working parents, busy, our social circle shrunk. So we would have never met. So I'm not against dating apps because they do expand the reach for sure for busy people.
00:08:37
Speaker
But for some, they have kind of become a lifestyle rather than being simply a useful introduction tool. They have become a lifestyle probably because they're designed to give you an illusion of abundance.
00:08:56
Speaker
And to encourage you actually to stay on the app for longer. That's one thing. There's another very interesting change in our society.
Managing Relationship Expectations
00:09:04
Speaker
Because you know how thousands, millions of years, even, ah relationship or marriage was largely pragmatic. It was more about survival. And even when it became more about love around the mid-19th century, the...
00:09:21
Speaker
the Male and female spheres, that was also very pragmatic, right? That the world didn't mix. so Couples had children, but everyone had very clear gender roles, which didn't overlap very much. But today, in the last few decades, the world has changed so much that we expect our partner to help us not just have children and survive, but also achieve happiness, fu fulfillment, and
00:09:52
Speaker
And if I use the term which is mentioned in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it's self-actualization, which is right at the top. And the strange thing is that we expect all these things from one single partner to be a lover, a friend, a parent, someone who contributes towards um you know the economic stability, also a confidant. someone her with whom to have adventures, and the list goes on.
00:10:24
Speaker
It's great when very, very rarely this happens. i mean, for one person to fulfill all those requirements, all those needs is so rare. It's next to impossible. So when it happens, it's amazing.
00:10:40
Speaker
But in probably 95% of the cases, it doesn't, that some parts are missing. Instead of looking outside the relationship and maybe improving one social circle and a group of friends or simply taking on a class to address a specific need and to do something, people often say, ah well, you know, he doesn't get me.
00:11:05
Speaker
She doesn't get me. And again, there's the illusion of abundance and they go back to the dating apps. I'm sorry, it's a long long explanation, but it's a complex issue. It's a complex topic. So there are many, many components.
00:11:21
Speaker
Yeah, but it's it sounds as if the requirements that we have consciously and subconsciously of our life partner are immense. Probably far too big for one person to actually fu fulfill all of the time. Absolutely, absolutely. What a lot of people are looking for is almost that instant, you are all of these things to me from day one, rather than thinking like, yeah, you tick these boxes and over a period of time, we tick the other boxes by evolving together.
00:12:00
Speaker
Exactly, we build that perfect life together. It's not produced on a plate. So yes, people expect too much from dating apps Again, it's about expectations, isn't it? And it's a very slippery slope.
00:12:15
Speaker
In fact, ah how the word should is one of the most dangerous ones in the area of personal relationships or professional relationships for that matter. So sometimes I ban the word should with my clients when they start going on about, well, he should be doing this. He should know that or she should know that.
00:12:36
Speaker
So all this unrealistic expectations, especially unspoken expectations. yes They put a lot of pressure, a lot of stress on relationships.
00:12:47
Speaker
Yes, I am a man. And sometimes thinking back, women would have the expectation that the man should know what a woman wants.
00:12:58
Speaker
You should know what it is that I want. You should know what it is that I need. Well, I don't because everyone is different. And why is it you're not you're not worried, concerned, interested in what I want, need as well? I can say that being a woman, sometimes i I don't know what I want. Oh,
00:13:21
Speaker
oh we can agree on that. Sometimes I want one thing today and then I want something else tomorrow. i can't I can't possibly start demanding that of my husband or expect him to read my mind. But actually, it goes both ways, Michael, if I'm if i'm honest.
00:13:37
Speaker
Yes. Men do this as well. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not denying it. I think that my appreciation from what you are saying is is the realization that we all do it. We all think that someone else knows us. They make a television program, don't they, Mr. and Mrs. The Quiz. Test married couples on how well they know each other, on simple, basic things, and it can be very amusing.
00:14:02
Speaker
the essence Yes, yes, it's very funny, yeah. we all We all, I think, go into relationships without really understanding what it what a relationship is, what it takes to make a relationship successful, and what the red flags are about going into a relationship or the red flags about where things might not be going in the way that you want them to do.
00:14:26
Speaker
So that's where you come in, isn't it? Yes, yes, exactly. that saram That's a really good summary. And million dollar question, how do I know if a relationship is right for me? How do I know if this partner is the right person for me? And everyone has different ideas.
00:14:44
Speaker
But I use certain scientific frameworks and they include evolutionary theory and study of personalities, social psychology. But at the core of it is our study.
00:15:01
Speaker
dedicated to relationships, which spanned over almost 35 years, in which thousands of couples were
Frameworks for Relationship Success
00:15:09
Speaker
interviewed every year on a number of topics. And all the answers were meticulously recorded and analyzed over decades. So as a result, we actually have a real a really good evidence-based picture of what the formula of relationship success is.
00:15:31
Speaker
It's a much longer conversation, obviously, and I do it with my one-to-one coaching clients. But I can say briefly that, first of all, we need to separate love, our feelings for a partner, from the relationship itself.
00:15:50
Speaker
So love is a feeling. And as you know, the early days are full of passion, and that kind of love has a physiological foundation.
00:16:01
Speaker
And we also know it wears off inevitably. And it transitions into companionate love when we are we support each other. we We have deep emotional connection, the friendship, which is one of our fundamental evolutionary needs.
00:16:19
Speaker
That's one side of it. The other side is the relationship. So it's how are you together as a couple? What what are the relationship dynamics? Because people can love each other very much, but they they will hurt each other and they're not compatible for many reasons. And it's not a healthy relationship.
00:16:41
Speaker
ah Three key points, fundamental points, um foundation of a healthy relationship. The first one is trust, which is a broad, very broad kind of blanket term. It's not just cheating, but also being able to open up to one another without the fear of judgment and many other things. But without trust, without trust, a healthy relationship cannot develop.
00:17:11
Speaker
I know people get by, but it's really it's not very successful and happy fulfilling relationship it's very stressful as well when you don't trust your partner and i know this uh firsthand the second area is sharing key life values and their specific very specific key life values which involve family and children work and career our attitude towards money Politics and social justice has become very kind of a heated topic.
00:17:47
Speaker
Also, religions and spirituality. So most people will have at least three of those key life values, which are very, very important to them.
00:18:00
Speaker
So they'll be very passionate about it. It could be money. It could be health and fitness. It could be their career or religion. But the important thing is that their potential partner, when they are selecting potential partner, they need to ask lots of questions to understand, to understand if their key life values are aligned, because if they're not, that makes very stressful combative relationships because you always have that unresolved conflict.
00:18:34
Speaker
yeah i can Yeah, I have lived experience of those types of situations, yes. Because those beliefs, those values, they kind of make us who we are and they they color and the way we view the world. Yes. So it's very difficult being in in a close relationship with someone when when you're not aligned on those fundamental ah values.
00:18:58
Speaker
And there's no right or wrong. But as long as you're on the same side of the spectrum, Or close. that's That's really important. And finally, the last ah the last principle, um the final component of a healthy relationship is a couple's ability to resolve conflict, to deal with conflict.
Techniques for Conflict Resolution
00:19:22
Speaker
Because the presence of conflict itself is not a problem. It's not a sign of any relationship trouble at all. It's a natural part of a relationship, isn't it? It's not going to be roses around the door 365 days a year.
00:19:37
Speaker
There are going to be times when you disagree on something and it's how you manage that disagreement, that conflict, is a demonstration of the strength of the relationship. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Because a marriage is two individuals, often from different backgrounds, different, um maybe even ethnic backgrounds,
00:19:59
Speaker
thrown in together, trying to build a life, add their families and children to the mix. it's It's very difficult to agree on everything all the time. Obviously, people don't. But if default mode is shouting, being rude to each other, my way or the highway, not having the open conversation, or another extreme, for example, is um Colloquially, they call it stonewalling. Yes. When people just don't respond, they shut down and they they run, they hide from conflict because, again, they think it's dangerous, it's bad. Yeah, you're making me remember an interview that I heard, saw with Kelly Osborne, where the interviewer was asking Kelly Osborne, the daughter of Ozzy Osborne, from the Osborne's television program, was saying to her, what's it like coming from a dysfunctional family?
00:21:02
Speaker
And it's a so strange question to ask anyone, I thought to myself, but Kelly Osborne came back and I don't come from a dysfunctional family. And they said, but you're always shouting and swearing at one another.
00:21:14
Speaker
And said, yeah, we're communicating. If we're communicating in the way that we feel comfortable communicating, that is not a dysfunctional family. It's not a dysfunctional relationship. It shows that we are communicating. And the lack of communication would be a dysfunctional family, dysfunctional relationship, and would result in that relationship breaking down. If you are communicating,
00:21:38
Speaker
If you're expressing yourself and that is in the way that is within your relationship, the way that you do it, then that's a healthy thing. The impression that I'm getting from what you're saying is that the way in which you manage your relationship is for you to decide and agree on with the person that you're in the relationship with.
00:21:58
Speaker
It's not to be determined by people outside of your relationship or what society says you should or should not do. There's that word again, should. Should, yes, exactly. The the expectations, the the worst enemy. It's a really good example, really good example. So if for the Osbournes, shouting and swearing was the way they're comfortable with, and that's how they express their emotions, that's that's absolutely fantastic. It's a really good example. I must admit that um it also depends on um cultural background even, because in British, North American, Scandinavian ah cultures, people are generally more reserved. We do see conflict as something negative.
00:22:43
Speaker
But, for example, in I don't know, South European, Latino cultures, Israeli culture, people people always say, wow why are you shouting by at each other? Why you arguing? and So we're not arguing. We're discussing things. It's just they do it in the more animated way.
00:23:03
Speaker
Every couple could try and create some rules for fighting. i know a fantastic rule, method, which I introduced in this family.
00:23:16
Speaker
Whenever we feel an argument coming up brewing, we take time out. we We're not running away from from the subject, from the issue. i i will say, right, let's take 10, 30 minutes to calm down, go for a walk, have a drink of water.
00:23:36
Speaker
And you notice how all those all that anger just dissipates. asked Because when we're angry, our brainwaves are a bit shock.
00:23:47
Speaker
completely different. And that's exactly the time when we're more likely to say hurtful things to each other, which are completely unnecessary. That's the time when we're less likely to be able to resolve the issue at hand. yeah Once we've calmed down, we can have a discussion. And I have, obviously, quite a few conflict resolution techniques, which are more for existing couples. There many methods, which I'm sure you know from the workplace, how to bring up um an awkward, i would say a difficult issue, how to discuss it in a non-confrontational way, how to find a solution constructively. It's all it's all possible.
00:24:32
Speaker
But what are you're saying, I suppose, really, though, is if you are single, if you are looking to be part of a couple, or even if you are already in part of a couple, then the the secret ingredient to successful coupledom, being part of a relationship,
00:24:49
Speaker
is to not just rely upon fate, but to actually work at the relationship and, like you say, set the rules. If we feel this is something that is going to happen, then we have a process for dealing with that type of situation.
00:25:05
Speaker
We understand how we are going to argue. We understand how we are going to celebrate. We understand how we are going to share regrets, all sorts of various different things.
00:25:15
Speaker
And it's all about learning about the other person and finding that middle ground where you can both operate
Closing Remarks and Future Discussions
00:25:23
Speaker
successfully. when When you can coexist comfortably. Mila, it is so it's such a big topic. I'm going to invite you back and we'll investigate this in more detail. But wonderful for today, it has been fascinating. I really do appreciate your time. I've learned so much, so much. Thank you. It's a pleasure.
00:25:42
Speaker
Thank you. really do appreciate it. I am Michael Millward, Managing Director of Abucida. In this episode of Rest and Recreation, i have been having a conversation with Mila Smith, a science-backed relationship consultant.
00:25:58
Speaker
You can find out more about both of us by using the links in the description. Part of how we define ourselves is determined by our health. That is why it is important to understand every aspect of our health, not in a vague way, but by knowing what the risks are, and which is why we recommend the annual health test from York Test.
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00:26:57
Speaker
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00:27:13
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There is a link in the description that will take you to more information about business and personal telecom solutions from 3.0 and the special offers available when you quote my referral code. I am sure you will have enjoyed listening to this episode of Rest and Recreation as much as Mila and I have enjoyed making it.
00:27:31
Speaker
So, please give it a like and download it so that you can listen anytime, anywhere. to make sure you don't miss out on future episodes, please subscribe. Remember, the aim of all the podcasts produced by Abbasida is not to tell you what to think, but we do hope to have made you think.
00:27:49
Speaker
Until the next episode of Rest and Recreation, thank you for listening and goodbye.