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Episode 2: The first thing you need to do
13 Plays1 month ago
Before any other relationship advice is going to work, this is the tool you need to implement. Get this one down and you're already way ahead of the game.
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Transcript
Introduction to Timeouts
00:00:35
Raffi Bilek
Okay. Good morning, Ivy, and welcome back. We are here. We're going to do another round of our podcast episodes.
00:00:41
Ibinye
Hi Rafi, how you doing today
00:00:43
Raffi Bilek
I am great. i'm a little bit cold and a little bit worried about my child sitting on the couch, miserable from some flu-like symptoms, whatever. It's not my problem. She's okay.
00:00:53
Ibinye
today? She will live.
00:00:54
Raffi Bilek
They'll be fine. OK, so today we were going to talk about timeouts as our tip of the of the week and the importance of taking a timeout.
00:01:01
Ibinye
yes
00:01:03
Raffi Bilek
So take it away. What's your take on timeout?
Managing Emotions with Timeouts
00:01:06
Ibinye
I love timeouts. I think they're great. I think it is very important to take a break, step away when you feel like you are at a six or above emotionally. Because when you get that high up there emotionally, you're going to say and do just anything. And most likely you will be disrespectful and hurt your partner. And we don't want that.
00:01:26
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, you know, a lot of times we get people coming in with these arguments that, you know, oh, we said these things we don't mean, things that can't be unsaid. We don't mean it. We love each other. And it's like you said, you get to this place. I call it the red zone.
00:01:39
Raffi Bilek
Right. Once you get to the red zone, all bets are off. And we we know that we shouldn't say these things, but we do. We do because, you know, we go into fight or flight mode. ah and we turn into these very defensive animals trying to run away or fight back or whatever, even though it's your partner and you like them and you love them and you end up like tearing their face off and that's not good.
00:02:02
Raffi Bilek
I would actually say though, you said when you get when you get to a six or out of 10, I would say even a little earlier, I tell people it's time to back off. Six out of 10 sounds like you're already pretty worked up, not very angry, but like so a little bit worked up.
00:02:15
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:02:15
Raffi Bilek
I'll tell people when it starts to get hot, Right.
00:02:18
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:02:18
Raffi Bilek
When you start to feel that edgy feeling in your stomach, that's a good time for a break. Right.
00:02:23
Ibinye
Right.
Recognizing Emotional Cues
00:02:24
Raffi Bilek
Because that's going to escalate.
00:02:26
Ibinye
Yes.
00:02:26
Raffi Bilek
And it's OK to take a break. I think often people just need permission to take a break. Like we feel like, well, we have to talk about things. And yes, I'm a big fan of talking about things. Look, that's what we do in couples counseling. We talk about things. And yet it's not always the right time to do that.
00:02:42
Ibinye
Correct. Absolutely. I think it's important to know that timeouts are not a bad thing. Taking breaks is not really a bad thing. It's just a way to respect yourself and respect your spouse. Now you mentioned something that's super important, the symptoms in your body, right? Because sometimes people are like, well, I just got to a point where I started yelling and I just go from zero to a hundred.
00:03:02
Raffi Bilek
ah Zero to 100, right? Yep.
00:03:03
Ibinye
Nobody goes from zero to a hundred. The problem is we miss the physical cues in our body. So you just mentioned one, you feel something in your stomach for some people, they say they feel really hot.
00:03:14
Ibinye
Some people, they start getting these like intrusive thoughts. Everybody has signs in their body, like actual physical signs in their body that they'll warn them, I'm going up there. So know what your physical cues are. And when you start to feel those things, it's time to say, you know what?
00:03:31
Ibinye
I feel like I'm going up there. I love you and I respect you. So just give me a moment. And for some people, if you can't even find the words, because sometimes it's like, oh I feel like crying or I'm crying.
00:03:43
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:03:44
Ibinye
Time out.
00:03:45
Raffi Bilek
Right.
00:03:45
Ibinye
find Yeah.
00:03:45
Raffi Bilek
That's probably because you're right. it's probably because you're at a six or a seven at that point. And that that makes sense, right? It's great if you can catch it when you're at a four or a four and a half and say, you know what? This is not going well. I need a break.
00:03:57
Raffi Bilek
If you can't, you get to six or seven or something and you're realizing, oh, it's going badly. Yes. A sign. What helps is when you when you discussed it or already in advance. You know what, honey, we are going to take a break. If it gets too hot for me, I'm going to take a break.
00:04:12
Raffi Bilek
And you know if I can tell you that, I will.
00:04:12
Ibinye
Yes.
00:04:14
Raffi Bilek
um But if I can't, I'll just be i make a sign or I'll just you know call it say, hey, break time
Rebranding Timeouts for Positive Impact
00:04:20
Raffi Bilek
and I'll walk away.
00:04:20
Ibinye
Yes.
00:04:21
Raffi Bilek
And it's important to know that is not a disrespect to your partner. I'm not doing this because i don't want to talk to you and i and I'm trying to offend you. I'm doing this to protect the relationship.
00:04:32
Ibinye
yes
00:04:32
Raffi Bilek
And if we all agree in a calm moment beforehand, we are protecting our relationship, the timeout is OK. It goes much easier.
00:04:40
Ibinye
Yes, absolutely. and you don't have to call it a timeout if you don't like the words timeout, because some people are like, timeout, does that mean I'm in trouble? Does that mean I'm the bad one here? It does not mean that you're the bad one.
00:04:51
Ibinye
We could call it taking a break. Call it whatever
00:04:53
Raffi Bilek
I just call it taking a break with my wife. By the way, I do this too, right? I'm sure you do as well, right?
00:04:57
Ibinye
you do.
00:04:57
Raffi Bilek
it's not like I'm a couples counselor and therefore I don't have these problems. Sometimes I'm talking with my wife and it gets a little bit heated and we say, okay, we'll take a break.
00:05:06
Ibinye
Absolutely. It's the healthy and respectful thing to do. And that's why I like the preface of Because I love you and I respect you. Because I also love and respect myself. I don't want to say or do anything to hurt you. So this feels like a good time to just take a break.
00:05:21
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. And those are all good things to put into the pre-discussion.
Pre-Discussing Escalation Signals
00:05:25
Ibinye
Mm-hmm.
00:05:25
Raffi Bilek
You know, um it's very hard to be articulate as things start to escalate. And so you sit down with your partner and you say, hey, here's the plan. Here's what we're going to do.
00:05:35
Raffi Bilek
Right. When things get hot, when I feel like I'm getting too ramped up to have a discussion, I'm going to call a break. Or I'm just going to sort of you know give you a sign and walk away. It's because I respect this relationship. I do not want to damage this relationship.
00:05:49
Raffi Bilek
And it'll be hard. By the way, it doesn't go smoothly ever. It's not like everyone's like, oh, yeah, you're right. Let's all this feels good. Let's take a break. Often it feels not so good, especially to the person who's being walked out on.
00:05:59
Ibinye
Yes.
00:06:02
Raffi Bilek
But again, if you've decided in advance this is the right thing to do and this will help your relationship, do it. Do that.
00:06:11
Ibinye
Absolutely. Yeah. and And sometimes I'll say, if you notice that your partner is getting worked up, maybe in the moment you're not even that worked up, but you kind of notice the physical cues, it's okay to let them know, hey, it feels like things are getting a little bit heated.
00:06:28
Raffi Bilek
Yes.
00:06:28
Ibinye
you if we can just take a break. Don't make it about you're Exactly. Exactly.
00:06:31
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, you know what happens? If you say, we can't talk because you're too angry, you know You get back, I'm not angry! Right.
00:06:38
Ibinye
exactly Exactly.
00:06:39
Raffi Bilek
doesn't
00:06:40
Ibinye
Right. So it's it's all about the way you phrase things. You can talk to your partner about anything, but it just depends on how you say it. The body language matters. The tone of voice matters.
00:06:50
Ibinye
The phrasing is also important because most times we mean well, we really do mean well. But then if you're if you're you, you, you, you look upset, you can't handle this discussion. That person's going to explode in the moment.
00:07:02
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, Ibi, you just tossed ah touched on like five different episodes we're going to have to talk about there, which is like tone and phrasing and stuff. We'll get back to that. um let's Let's touch for a second on um what do you do when you're
Engaging in Calming Activities
00:07:15
Raffi Bilek
on timeout?
00:07:15
Raffi Bilek
Because sometimes people just sort of ramp themselves further up or they have what I call timeout anxiety and they can't manage it.
00:07:22
Ibinye
Yes.
00:07:24
Raffi Bilek
So what are some strategies you've got that can help people to manage that when they got to walk away?
00:07:29
Ibinye
I tell people do anything and everything else.
00:07:31
Raffi Bilek
Let me say yes.
00:07:32
Ibinye
Laundry, the dishes, take a walk, go outside and play with your dogs, cook, clean, check your email, like do everything else but stew about the issue.
00:07:34
Raffi Bilek
Yoga, knitting, all these things.
00:07:43
Ibinye
And why? Because if you're stewing about the issue, it only makes you more upset. your body gets more tense. You get more frustrated. And now you're like, I can't stand him. He's so annoying.
00:07:55
Ibinye
ah And then after after the timeout is over, you're even more upset. But when you do everything else, then you're able to actually calm your body down. Your blood pressure goes down.
00:08:06
Ibinye
You feel so much better. You become so much more rational. You remember that you actually love your spouse, love your partner.
00:08:12
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:08:12
Ibinye
I actually like this person. Oh, wow. And then you can come back with some clarity.
00:08:18
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, I find for me what helps also is really to think my way through it and talk myself down. Right. beside i will go do something else. But before that, I might talk to myself, whether in my head or out loud and say, look, first of all, this is temporary. We're going get through this.
00:08:32
Raffi Bilek
um You know, this is a problem we'll solve. We'll talk about it later. I love my spouse. And I'll think about how she made me breakfast earlier that day.
00:08:39
Ibinye
Yes. Yes.
00:08:39
Raffi Bilek
It was really nice breakfast, like eggs with mushrooms or something tasty.
Reflecting During Timeouts
00:08:43
Raffi Bilek
And like, it just broadened the context, right? So thinking myself through it and not hyper-focusing on the moment and then going and do something.
00:08:50
Raffi Bilek
And for me, that's often just being productive, like doing some emails or something.
00:08:52
Ibinye
yes
00:08:54
Raffi Bilek
That feels great. And then, know, I'm not going to come back to it necessarily five minutes later. Maybe it's 10 or 20 minutes. Maybe it's the next day.
00:09:02
Ibinye
yes
00:09:02
Raffi Bilek
Right. That might have to happen. But I'm not sitting there making it worse. I'm old enough to remember the Seinfeld episode. I don't know if you are, but like a lot of my clients don't don't even recognize this anymore. There's a classic episode where George got insulted and he spent like the next days and weeks thinking of the best comeback.
00:09:19
Raffi Bilek
Don't do that. Please don't do that.
00:09:20
Ibinye
No, no, no.
00:09:22
Raffi Bilek
Right. Thinking about what you're going is going to escalate you or you'll come back just as hard as before. It will not work.
00:09:27
Ibinye
Right. Yes, I definitely agree. This is not the time to put bullets in the gun and say, I'm going to win this argument. These are all the reasons why I'm so upset with you.
00:09:38
Ibinye
A timeout is really just a time to calm yourself down, to remember that you love your spouse so that whenever you go back to have a discussion, which you should always go back and complete the discussion if possible, again, not in five minutes, give your body some time.
00:09:51
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:09:56
Ibinye
um And really it's about just loving your spouse well. That is the goal. We're just trying to love each other other well. That's just really what it is. And if you can remember that your partner is not your enemy. Like sometimes I will say to myself in my head,
00:10:11
Ibinye
He is not my enemy.
00:10:13
Raffi Bilek
Right.
00:10:13
Ibinye
He is not my enemy.
00:10:13
Raffi Bilek
You're working towards the same goal.
00:10:14
Ibinye
I actually love this man. You and what i mean? It really does help me.
00:10:18
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, 100%. You said something that I think people have come back to me with sometimes, which is, but if we don't talk about it now, we end up never talking about it. Right? So again, this is something we'll put off to another episode. But I think the answer is, when you know how to talk about it well, you can come back and do that. The reason people don't come back and talk about it is because who wants to open up a difficult subject and have the whole fight over again?
00:10:43
Raffi Bilek
One of the things that allows me to take an effective timeout is I have a lot of confidence that my wife and I can talk about any subject. So we'll definitely be talking about a lot of communication tips throughout these episodes. But realize that once you get that confidence that you can have such conversations, the timeouts will go a lot easier.
00:11:01
Ibinye
Absolutely. And there is almost an art to effective communication, right? And once you've mastered effective communication, I'm telling you what Rafi is saying is true.
00:11:12
Ibinye
You will get to a point where you can talk to your spouse about anything and everything, but it's a two-way street, right? Both of you need to be committed to actually learning the process because it is a process.
00:11:23
Ibinye
You know, the more we practice, the more effective we are at communicating in a kind and gentle way.
00:11:23
Raffi Bilek
No, no.
00:11:28
Ibinye
Always kind because some people will say, well, I was just being truthful, but we're just kind.
00:11:32
Raffi Bilek
no Right. Truthful is not always the best thing in a relationship. Yes, honesty is the best policy.
00:11:39
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:11:41
Raffi Bilek
But, you know, when your partner walks out and they get out of the room and you realize they've gained 20 pounds, that's not the first thing you say, hey, you've gotten fat. Like, oh I'm going to tell you the truth.
00:11:49
Ibinye
say that
00:11:50
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, you know, that that may not be the way the best way to handle this.
00:11:54
Ibinye
Exactly. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:56
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, this is a YouTube video, which everyone should look up and maybe I'll post it somewhere if I remember, where where Abraham Lincoln is being asked by his wife, honey, do I look fat in this? And the struggle on his face, because, you know, he's Honest Abe.
00:12:09
Raffi Bilek
And the struggle on his face is like, you know, well, I got to tell the truth. On the other hand, and by the way, the actress that plays this is this very large woman. So it's this very awkward position, people put and that's...
00:12:19
Raffi Bilek
Right again, telling the truth is not always the right thing to do. Right. I'm very yeah I'm very mad at you. That's a fine truth. But then you start launching things at them that yeah not the way to go.
00:12:30
Ibinye
Will not work. Absolutely will not work. um I think it's important to know that we should, and and I think we'll probably talk about this in later episodes as well. When you're in a deep argument, disagreement, whatever, focus on one thing at a time.
00:12:43
Ibinye
I think sometimes couples are trying to address 57 things in an hour.
00:12:47
Raffi Bilek
Yeah.
00:12:48
Ibinye
It is incredibly overwhelming. Things get defensive.
00:12:51
Raffi Bilek
Right. And a timeout will help us avoid that for sure. We'll talk about the the
Avoiding Forced Discussions
00:12:55
Raffi Bilek
multiple issue thing afterwards. Yeah. But when it gets to that point, again, that's a great time to say, you know what, we're overloading ourselves. Let's take a break and come back.
00:13:01
Ibinye
Yes.
00:13:02
Raffi Bilek
And I wanted to circle back to to timeout anxiety where somebody is feeling like, oh, but I really have to deal with this. I can't handle, you know, that there's a problem between us and we're not talking about it.
00:13:13
Raffi Bilek
So how would you handle that? Right. Somebody just feeling anxious, like I got to deal with it right now.
00:13:17
Ibinye
So first of all, disagreements are part of any relationship, whether it's your spouse, your brother, your mom, coworker, disagreements are going to happen because these are two very different individuals coming together. Very rarely are people married to people who are exactly like, look just like them, talk like them, have the same temperament. So you will have disagreements.
00:13:39
Ibinye
Remember that if you do have a solid foundation to your relationship, or is the desire to solidify the situation, the foundation of your marriage or your relationship, then these little disagreements are not going to be the thing that's going to completely destroy your relationship. You know what's going to completely destroy your relationship?
00:13:57
Ibinye
Sitting down for two hours and screaming at each other, slamming the cabinets.
00:13:57
Raffi Bilek
Fights. Yep.
00:14:00
Ibinye
That's what's going to destroy your relationship. But having healthy, respectful conversation, that is not going to destroy your relationship.
00:14:08
Raffi Bilek
Right. It's the nasty comments. It's the the passive aggressiveness, the sarcasm. Those things tear away at people. But even big issues are not really a problem, right?
00:14:16
Ibinye
Yes.
00:14:20
Raffi Bilek
The research shows that most couples have disagreements that never really go away.
00:14:24
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:14:24
Raffi Bilek
And how you handle that. um So when you're in when you're taking a break, when you're in a timeout, and you feel really anxious and and compelled to go deal with it, again, you can talk yourself down. you know There's lots of physical things you can do, meditation, yoga, calm yourself, your body.
00:14:40
Raffi Bilek
But you can also talk yourself down, which is, again, what I do, which is we'll deal with this. This does not have to be solved right now. Very rarely is there a problem in your relationship that needs to be solved right now.
00:14:51
Raffi Bilek
Right. Usually, if that's the the problem, call 911. There's something very wrong. But, you know, whose house we're going to for Thanksgiving or whether we should get a dog or how do we handle, you know, Timmy, who's having tantrums like those all feel important. And sometimes they feel real urgent, but they are not urgent.
00:15:10
Ibinye
Yeah.
00:15:10
Raffi Bilek
They might be important to talk about, but realizing we don't need to solve this right now. You know sometimes people feel like, well, I'm the kind of person who solves things right away. That's great. How's that working for you? Yeah, in in some context, it might go well.
00:15:22
Raffi Bilek
you know in in ah In a business thing, if you would do crisis management, like great, those are those might work for you. In a relationship, you can't always solve it right now. Maybe you're in a place to do that, but we said your partner might not be in a place to do that.
00:15:34
Raffi Bilek
So the reality is, it may not work for you to run right in and do it right now. And if one or both of you is compromised because you can't handle that conversation, okay, take a break. It's gonna be okay.
00:15:46
Raffi Bilek
We'll come back to it, we'll fix it. calm yourself. Do not make your partner or your relationship bear the stress of your difficulty holding on. That won't work for you.
00:15:56
Ibinye
Yeah. and think about it. If your partner is shutting down, if your partner is, say, crying, your partner is, you know, out of four, out of six, right? And you're making them sit there and talk and trying to force words out of their mouth. It feels incredibly cruel. And I don't see how that could strengthen any relationship. So when you, if you are the partner who's like, no, I need to address this in this moment or else the world is going to end.
00:16:25
Ibinye
Ask yourself, but ah but is that kind to my partner who's clearly shutting down or who's in tears or who really is not, I can tell like they are not able to handle this right now, right?
00:16:35
Raffi Bilek
yeah
00:16:37
Ibinye
is Is that really going to help your relationship in any way?
Patience in Conversations
00:16:40
Ibinye
Forcing them to have a conversation, trying to fight through it. It's not.
00:16:44
Raffi Bilek
So the counter argument that people will have was, but it'll help the relationship if we talk about it. And that's true, except they can't.
00:16:51
Ibinye
They can't.
00:16:51
Raffi Bilek
and what Right. You've been in places when you can't. They've been in places when they can't. We cannot force people to be emotionally ready to do that. Emotions do not respond to commands. You can manage them. You can affect them. But it takes some time, some practice. It's not a a switch you can flick.
00:17:09
Raffi Bilek
And so being in that moment and being OK, taking a break is a really, really critical point.
00:17:09
Ibinye
Yes.
00:17:15
Ibinye
yes
00:17:16
Raffi Bilek
So let's review again the basic idea that we want people to leave with. Basically, when things get a little bit heated, we take a break. And we do that ahead of time. We ahead of time, we prepare, we tell each other, okay, here's the plan. Here's our signal. Here's what's going to happen. Here's how long we'll try to spend away.
Summary and Implementation Plan
00:17:33
Raffi Bilek
You remind each other, you remind yourselves what to do when you step away, which was we said a couple things. What did we say before?
00:17:40
Ibinye
Do anything and everything.
00:17:41
Raffi Bilek
Yeah, right. Anything besides thinking about the situation, think through the the broader context. you know, my wife is great.
00:17:48
Ibinye
Yes.
00:17:49
Raffi Bilek
My husband is great.
00:17:51
Ibinye
Yes.
00:17:51
Raffi Bilek
Overall, this is fine. And we will be able to solve this eventually. We'll learn the skills. We're going to get there.
00:17:56
Ibinye
Yes.
00:17:56
Raffi Bilek
So timeout is our tip for the day.
00:17:57
Ibinye
I
00:17:58
Raffi Bilek
i think a lot of relationships would save a lot of wear and tear if they just implemented this one thing.
00:18:05
Ibinye
i agree. Absolutely. every Every battle does not have to be fought in the moment.
00:18:09
Raffi Bilek
Yeah. Okay, great. I hope this is helpful for people and we'll pick it up next week with another episode. Please feel free to reach out to us at all the ways that we've mentioned and we'd love to hear from you.
00:18:20
Ibinye
Have a great one.
00:18:21
Raffi Bilek
Take care.