14. Labyrinth

Transcript

Speaker: Hello and welcome to another episode of You're Not Watching That, the show where Ryan wasn't allowed to watch any of the big movies from his childhood.

Speaker: In a twist of roles, we hand over to me, Dan Fudge, a man who's never had the patience or desire to watch the classic that is the David Bowie, Jim Hengstam mashup that was labyrinth.

Speaker: So dig out your Tina Turner wigs, pop on your very tight...

Speaker: gray leggings, and for some reason, glass bubbles floating around everywhere.

Speaker: And join us on a journey where Dan tries to embrace his fear of dirty puppets.

Speaker: Right, that's it.

Speaker: Intro over.

Speaker: What about them apples?

Speaker: What about that?

Speaker: Now, this is a new one for me and you, Raz.

Speaker: Normally, it's you telling me about the things you've not seen before.

Speaker: And I've never had the desire to go through Labyrinth.

Speaker: And it dawned on me, the reason I've not gone through it was because it's a musical, essentially.

Speaker: And I think the singing put me off.

Speaker: I mean, it's not a musical.

Speaker: It's one of my favourite films of all time.

Speaker: It's not a musical.

Speaker: It's a children's puppets adventure featuring songs of a genius.

Speaker: I mean, I'm going to defend this to the fucking hilt.

Speaker: For the Bowie fans, this is quite a treat.

Speaker: Now, first things first, I need to, is it Bowie or Bowie?

Speaker: I need to get that right.

Speaker: Bowie.

Speaker: So my mum, sorry, still says Bowie just to piss me off.

Speaker: But whenever you hear it, it's Bowie because he's named like Jim Bowie who did the knife, the Bowie knife.

Speaker: And his son was called Zoe, Zoe Bowie.

Speaker: So I thought, see, that's it.

Speaker: I thought his son was called Zoe.

Speaker: Yeah, I don't think he really minded because his real name was David Jones.

Speaker: So I don't think he'd give a flying fuck.

Speaker: But ultimately, you know, I mean, yeah, I've always gone with Bowie and felt like more people that I respect say Bowie anyway.

Speaker: But in this film, he's called Jareth.

Speaker: Let's go with that.

Speaker: So anyway, as usual, how was your week?

Speaker: What have you been up to?

Speaker: What did this week bring you?

Speaker: We're recording kind of early, aren't we?

Speaker: So I had the little one over the weekend who got a flamenco dress and did a bit of dancing by the pool, not to any puppet stuff.

Speaker: What did she discover this week?

Speaker: She discovered a new film or something.

Speaker: I was trying to think what it was.

Speaker: I'm talking about my daughter, Claire Mia, by the way, not just some small woman.

Speaker: God, what did she get into?

Speaker: We were watching, oh, she likes Ice Age now.

Speaker: And, oh, we watched something like by the Aardman lot.

Speaker: You know who do like Wallace and Gromit and all that?

Speaker: One called Early Man, which basically, I don't know if you've seen it.

Speaker: I've never seen it.

Speaker: It ends up being basically a prehistoric football match with a pig involved who I thought was called Hobnob, but it turns out it's called Hognob, which is even weirder.

Speaker: That sounds like one of the names that they give Hoggle through this movie when they keep getting his name wrong, if I'm honest.

Speaker: Classic.

Speaker: You like it when someone keeps getting names wrong.

Speaker: Did you get up to a brunch this weekend?

Speaker: No brunching, full daddy mode the weekend, mate, so no brunching.

Speaker: What about you?

Speaker: I did the gig that you normally do.

Speaker: There's a bar just in Covent Garden that Ryan and I go to, and it's got an 80s theme to it.

Speaker: Now, during this show, as it were, this is one of my favorite shows because you're kind of on a runway that goes out into the middle of the crowd, and you actually feel like Top of the Pops back in the day, don't you?

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: Now, during this show, there is a point where we give away, is it a £50 bar tab?

Speaker: I make it up.

Speaker: Sometimes I do 200 just to see what the bar staff do.

Speaker: And we, in order to do that, we have some dancers there and they play Vogue by Madonna and they have to go down and give it the full beans on toast, give it the full dancing.

Speaker: And whoever, whoever gets the best one by way of applause wins.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: So I need to be very careful by telling you, I didn't, I didn't encourage this whatsoever.

Speaker: So the first one goes down, there was this weird party and they weren't all on one table.

Speaker: And it was weird because they'd set it up like all the grownups were on one table and all the 21 and under were on another.

Speaker: So I said, right, get me one from the grownup table and get me one of the kids.

Speaker: And then there's always some scatty bird there.

Speaker: My apologies for using the term bird, but you'll know what I mean in a second.

Speaker: So there's three dancers and they all got a contestant each.

Speaker: Apparently they're having three.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: They just decided to tell me while I was mid-sentence on the microphone.

Speaker: You can get the fourth one coming up randomly on the fifth who you didn't even ask.

Speaker: And you're all right, we're doing fucking five then, are we?

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, we had them.

Speaker: We had them.

Speaker: But they decided not to take part because, you know, the mum got up, got her arse out.

Speaker: She's hilarious.

Speaker: Well done, mum.

Speaker: You know, daughter's dying of embarrassment.

Speaker: Then she has to do the full beans on toast.

Speaker: And then a lady, a big Dutch lady, got up and just took her top off and just started swinging her chebs around this bar.

Speaker: Or as I once awfully heard them called in Lincolnshire, her milky swingers.

Speaker: Do you know what?

Speaker: That's a very accurate description of what Tony, the DJ, and myself witnessed.

Speaker: And I had to double check with Tony.

Speaker: I went, Tony, I didn't encourage that, did I?

Speaker: And he went, nope, that just happened.

Speaker: And...

Speaker: The noise that came back.

Speaker: Now, you and I have performed in front of a number of people over the years, right?

Speaker: I've never heard a noise like it since Sheffield Wednesday were at Wembley the other month.

Speaker: The revealing of the Chebs.

Speaker: It went feral early.

Speaker: I feel like even though it's 2023, I need to ask you on behalf of all the red-blooded males who are thinking it, were they okay?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I didn't know if they were swinging a full cruet set, but, you know, that was all on display by the end of it.

Speaker: What I mean is that some people would just be like, they've got their own bravery.

Speaker: It's like, you know, someone knows they've got good legs or they know they've got a good chest.

Speaker: They're like, let's go, yeah, I get this out all the time.

Speaker: Or was this somebody who'd gone, they look like Spaniel's ears, but they're coming out because they've had seven Jager bombs.

Speaker: How would your father describe a lady of a certain size?

Speaker: Oh, that's terrible, but a big stag.

Speaker: That, that was...

Speaker: Now you told me that phrase like 20 years ago and I still do it now to the point where I went on a stag do once and the sash that they got the stag do said, big stag.

Speaker: I thought it did.

Speaker: Wonderful.

Speaker: Can I just say they are the thoughts of my father.

Speaker: Obviously, I passed it on to you, but anyway.

Speaker: So apart from that, I'm in that many more days.

Speaker: So I think I want you to have the full beans of the experience of being the virgin to the film.

Speaker: Do you want to release the theme tune and do a big build-up to it, maybe in your X-Factor voice?

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the things I knew before.

Speaker: So the things I knew before, right?

Speaker: I knew someone told somebody to go one way and that was the way they were going and they didn't go that way.

Speaker: That annoyed me.

Speaker: I remember the, do you know the babe conversation, which I found dead weird.

Speaker: And I think that's when I switched it off all those years ago.

Speaker: Again, right?

Speaker: So when it comes to movies with music in, I was that kid that went, oh God, the singing again.

Speaker: Sorry, Bugsy Malone.

Speaker: Right, Bugs and Malone, again, used to fast forward through the songs.

Speaker: I like the story.

Speaker: I like the arc.

Speaker: I like the protagonist feeling better for the whole experience.

Speaker: The singy bits.

Speaker: When he's that little kid who's going, you've got to be anything.

Speaker: Like an old man's voice from Alabama.

Speaker: I think it does add a bit to the story.

Speaker: They could have been anything that they wanted to be.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: But I think we'll get into that when it comes to some of the songs on this.

Speaker: And then I remember David Bowie's hair with the mulleted bits, which I must admit, he did look fabulous in this, didn't he?

Speaker: He did look absolutely top end.

Speaker: He was perfect casting for this.

Speaker: I mean, he, yeah, he's in a, I always try and remember this anyway and try and think about where he was in his life and what he was doing.

Speaker: So I'm a, you know, self-confessed, confess massive David Bowie fan.

Speaker: So he is, he's done all his kind of, obviously he's done all his Ziggy stuff.

Speaker: He's done all his cocaine and storing his urine in the fridge in Berlin.

Speaker: No, in LA.

Speaker: So the Wizards couldn't get it.

Speaker: which i think was a wonderful time in his life i think um and he's now he's done all that business and then he's done all that let's dance he's had his big hits and this is kind of 86 87 isn't it 86 yeah got the year uh yeah 86 so around this time he's about to do some pretty shonky 88 80s albums some of which i don't mind some of the tracks off loving the alien things that are all right but these are it's a low period he's doing a bad talk or glass spider where he's got massive bouffant hair and he's got a britney mic on and shit like that so i

Speaker: I think he's not long just done The Elephant Man on Broadway as well, which was all really like physical kind of acting where he wasn't.

Speaker: He had no prosthetics.

Speaker: He was just all like, you sound very good.

Speaker: So he was doing his actor's chops at this point.

Speaker: But yeah, it's also the second one of Jim Henson's lot because obviously we know about the Muppets, which we mentioned last week, them filthy puppets.

Speaker: But in 1982, they've done the Dark Crystal, which is just horrifying.

Speaker: I said to you last week, I think, I'm sure the Dark Crystal's either 12 or a PG, whereas this is a U. I still think, I asked a few people on Twitter today, they're still slightly haunted by various puppets from this because of the horror of them.

Speaker: They're not nice looking.

Speaker: They look like something from a nightmare, like an Austrian nightmare from the 17th century to me.

Speaker: But this is meant to be a much friendlier,

Speaker: There was someone else that lined up to do it before Bowie, if I remember rightly, but I didn't look into all that business.

Speaker: I just went off my own knowledge of what it did.

Speaker: I'm sure when you get to bits, it's easier.

Speaker: I dropped my knowledge in there because, yeah, say for me, because you normally ask, I normally ask you at this point when you first saw it.

Speaker: I think I saw it around the time it came out because I was a child and it was a child's film.

Speaker: Funnily enough, when I was about six or seven or something like that, I do remember the bit where the goblins first come to the mirror when she starts going, say, choose your words and all that kind of bit.

Speaker: And they all wake up.

Speaker: I was like, what the fuck are those?

Speaker: And we'll come to each one as we come along.

Speaker: And we've got a special guest as well to join us later on who's going to...

Speaker: talk us through their thoughts on it as well.

Speaker: But yeah, for me, been part of my life a long time and know the songs inside out.

Speaker: Some of them I think you should have had on other albums.

Speaker: I think they're actually cracking for what this film is.

Speaker: I think some of them are so well written and some of them are a bit meh.

Speaker: But yeah, otherwise, that's me.

Speaker: So over to you.

Speaker: Okay, so it starts with some proper big 80s synth.

Speaker: Some meow, and you're like, oh, wow, this is, here we go.

Speaker: This is 80s all over.

Speaker: And then, but you don't know that that's David Bowie at this point, right?

Speaker: So then these names that flash up, right, all of a sudden, if you're into your movies, Terry Jones from Monty Python, Jim Henson, Frank Oz, and George Lucas are all involved in this movie.

Speaker: They're not playing games here, son.

Speaker: This is a proper fucking film.

Speaker: This is not only a blood sport doing splits with no one you've heard of.

Speaker: It's like, just say as well, the opening track Underground, which he does at the start, he then, I think he does it for two of the songs in this film.

Speaker: He did his own music videos to him as well, Bowie.

Speaker: And what's funny about the Underground one is,

Speaker: he's got one of the things that we'll talk about later, just dance, Hogle's like dancing around him when he's doing the, and he's dancing around.

Speaker: And there's this really good bit where he goes underground and he turns.

Speaker: And as his face turns, they do this amazing thing where it flicks through like every image Bowie's ever been.

Speaker: And it's incredible.

Speaker: It like goes cartoon, Ziggy, thin white juke.

Speaker: And he turns into like a chalk thing and dances on a wall.

Speaker: But anyway, yeah.

Speaker: So that's a great song.

Speaker: Underground, the opening track.

Speaker: So, yep.

Speaker: So then we, so obviously there's some royalty involved in the, in this movie.

Speaker: It settles down.

Speaker: You get told it's, it's by we're doing the, by we're doing the music.

Speaker: And then we were in, we're in the garden and this, you know, this girl's doing acting out this, this princess thing.

Speaker: And then, and then you've got some story time with some terrible acting.

Speaker: I thought this can't be her accent.

Speaker: And it turns out it's not, she's playing a game.

Speaker: Uh,

Speaker: And then she has to babysit.

Speaker: She gets told she has to babysit and she's got the wicked stepmother that she's furious at.

Speaker: And her dad goes to have a chat.

Speaker: And then she holds up a baby brother that she's got to babysit for.

Speaker: And she makes... What's his name?

Speaker: Toby.

Speaker: Yeah, Toby.

Speaker: That's his name.

Speaker: I think I wrote down Darren.

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: Not called Darren.

Speaker: You're thinking of babysitting as a kid.

Speaker: But yeah, it's Toby.

Speaker: And I think if I remember rightly, his mum and dad had something to do with being on the film.

Speaker: So I think he was used to being around fucking freaky puppets.

Speaker: Right, because I've actually made a note of that where I go, this kid must have been absolutely bloody terrified and it didn't seem to faze him.

Speaker: You know, like sometimes where you hear the crying and they're pulling like a normal face or they're not crying and the face is all screwed up, absolute contortion.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: It was just really chill, this kid, wasn't it?

Speaker: It was like, yeah.

Speaker: You say that, there's a reason for it.

Speaker: And there's a bit, when you start talking about the throne room maybe and the, remind me of the babe song, Magic Dance is officially known.

Speaker: I'll tell you how they kept that babe under control and the image is so fucking funny.

Speaker: Brilliant.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So she makes a wish for Toby to go missing.

Speaker: I wish he'd never been born.

Speaker: And then all of a sudden, these get the first glance of the puppets, right?

Speaker: And I don't know where they are.

Speaker: Are they hiding in the closet or something?

Speaker: It's just like a gaggle of them, isn't they?

Speaker: They're in the Goblin City.

Speaker: And also, one thing you probably wouldn't notice because you're the first time watching it, if you do watch it again, in her bedroom, you know, when she's like doing her makeup and shit and just trying to chill out, there's all the characters from the film are in that room.

Speaker: So there's a bit on the mirror where there's like a picture of a mum with David Bowie.

Speaker: There's a bit where there's like a hoggle here.

Speaker: And it's all like a wooden version of hoggle.

Speaker: And they're all there because the deep thought on it is they're all parts of her character.

Speaker: But we'll come into that another time.

Speaker: But yeah, continue.

Speaker: So the stepmother's proper wicked as well.

Speaker: There's a bit where she goes, why does she treat me like an evil stepmother?

Speaker: Because you're fucking evil.

Speaker: You sound like one, but one, you're doing the voice and everything.

Speaker: And so the goblins come out and they do that slapstick...

Speaker: pop up when you turn around and look at them.

Speaker: They've gone again.

Speaker: We've got all that.

Speaker: We've got all that.

Speaker: And then she leaves the room and then the baby stops crying and she goes back in and it's gone.

Speaker: Well, it has turned into like a rattling thing under a sheet and it's not nice.

Speaker: The sheets rattle, you prepare yourself for a goblin to pop out and nothing's there.

Speaker: And then Bowie turns up in all his finery.

Speaker: How does he turn up?

Speaker: Is he an owl?

Speaker: He's a fucking owl.

Speaker: He comes in.

Speaker: Oh, by the way, other bit.

Speaker: You know, at the very, very start, there's a barn owl flying around.

Speaker: First ever CGI animal ever used in a film.

Speaker: Oh, interesting.

Speaker: I must admit, I thought it was quite good, actually, if that's the first time.

Speaker: Bowie's a Wednesdayite.

Speaker: He comes in as a massive barn owl for a window.

Speaker: Could be that or Oldham.

Speaker: You never know, right?

Speaker: So he's turned up and he's gone, he's quite belligerent here.

Speaker: I think I've written, we've got very first shot of Bowie, rye smile, does a rye smile.

Speaker: Very belligerent, but classy crystal play.

Speaker: His hand movement with those glass balls is actually pretty impressive.

Speaker: How long do you think it took him to do that?

Speaker: I don't know, it's David Bowie.

Speaker: I reckon he probably already knew.

Speaker: Truth is, looking up on YouTube afterwards, there was a small Frenchman behind him who's got his arm up through his armpit doing it.

Speaker: And there's this really funny scene of outtakes where the bloke keeps going, sorry, drops, sorry, drops.

Speaker: Bowie's just there going, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker: I'm just, I'm just the face.

Speaker: Doing that shit.

Speaker: Do you like, it's just a great line in this, which I've used before.

Speaker: And I've used it as a tester sometimes on dates where he goes, go back to your room, playing with your toys.

Speaker: Forget about the baby.

Speaker: Sarah, go back to your room.

Speaker: Play with your toys and your costumes.

Speaker: Forget about the baby.

Speaker: It's all just, he's so kind of, because she's meant to be a young girl and he is a little bit sexy towards her, which will come soon.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: He's quite flirty at this point.

Speaker: And this bit doesn't really get explained.

Speaker: For some reason, he gives her something like 13 hours to go and get the baby back.

Speaker: I don't know why that game is set into stone.

Speaker: Like, if you were Bowie's character there, you'd be like, well, I've got the baby now.

Speaker: See you later.

Speaker: I wouldn't even turn up.

Speaker: I'd be like, well, I've got it.

Speaker: I've heard so many stoned and off-my-face conversations about the labyrinth through the years.

Speaker: And one of them is that all the goblins are children that couldn't be saved.

Speaker: And he started collecting kids years ago.

Speaker: And when the time runs out, it turns him to a goblin.

Speaker: How better is that?

Speaker: Actually makes sense to me.

Speaker: So anyway, so she then opens the door.

Speaker: A house has now moved.

Speaker: It's now relocated to the outside of the labyrinth with the castle at the back.

Speaker: And then this is where we first see Hoggle, who's having a slash.

Speaker: I thought you'd warm to him.

Speaker: I thought you'd like Hoggle.

Speaker: Having a piss in fairies.

Speaker: I was like, oh God, this is grotesque.

Speaker: And again, as a kid, this was one thing I was like, that is grotesque.

Speaker: I cannot watch this man's face for an hour and a half.

Speaker: I can't do it.

Speaker: He's like a gargoyle, isn't he?

Speaker: He's like a classic.

Speaker: Although there's a lot of people through the years, especially being by the seaside in Skagen from Yorkshire.

Speaker: I bet you've seen who looked like that, especially playing darts and drinking mild.

Speaker: Well, it was you that told me he looked like the AXEFW Wednesday chair by Milan Mandaric.

Speaker: So...

Speaker: I think, you know, it did look like him.

Speaker: And he's got like those old school bug spray things in his killing fairies.

Speaker: And she goes, oh, what are you doing that for?

Speaker: And then the fairy bites her.

Speaker: And that's weird.

Speaker: And he's quite belligerent with her.

Speaker: But she comes down and says, where's the door to the labyrinth?

Speaker: You know, she doesn't say, you know, how do I get the castle?

Speaker: She goes, where's the door to the labyrinth?

Speaker: But this is the bit that kind of runs concurrent through the movie.

Speaker: I've made a note of it a few times that she seems to have some kind of prior knowledge about this entire scenario that's happening in front of her.

Speaker: I assume it's got something to do with the storybook she reads or something like that.

Speaker: There you go.

Speaker: And there is actually, I think there is reading up a few bits I read today, an actual book, because that's where I think that thing comes in where...

Speaker: there'll be a bit where it's like, okay, so, oh God, which way was it?

Speaker: Like, he could have, you know the bit you're going to come to in a bit with a worm and it happens again with the two door characters.

Speaker: If she'd have gone straight there, she would have been probably, I was all come to, there's dangers that other friends on the way have helped her with.

Speaker: She sort of needed the shittery to get there.

Speaker: Also, you'll notice every time she says piece of cake, something bad happens.

Speaker: And there's the bit where it's meant to be the book.

Speaker: So she knows the book off by heart.

Speaker: She knows that's why when we come to the big ending, she knows what to say because it's part of a book she's obsessed with.

Speaker: So maybe the whole film is her having a mental breakdown.

Speaker: Potentially.

Speaker: Now, normally, this would be the part of the show where I, based on something you've said, I'd ask you a question.

Speaker: I'd say to her, like, have you had a mental breakdown?

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: But I'll pick another point for that at some point.

Speaker: So she goes in, door shuts behind her, and I believe Hoggle's gone now.

Speaker: And so she picks right, she goes right after some nonsense chat, and then she meets a little worm who's cockney for some reason.

Speaker: Little cockney worm.

Speaker: Just a worm.

Speaker: Nah, mate, just a worm.

Speaker: I did like the little eyeball moss.

Speaker: Thought that was a nice little touch.

Speaker: On a glove, you probably guessed it.

Speaker: And the other bit with the worm I quite like is it's always fried my head.

Speaker: It's where he goes, come inside.

Speaker: Have a cup of tea.

Speaker: Meet the missus.

Speaker: How's she getting in where he lives?

Speaker: He's about a fucking inch tall.

Speaker: I mean, bless him.

Speaker: And I like his little scarf.

Speaker: He's just ready for the day.

Speaker: He's tufty haired.

Speaker: He's all right.

Speaker: But someone told me today they were freaked out by him.

Speaker: So, yeah, funny one, that.

Speaker: I said, don't go that way.

Speaker: Never go that way.

Speaker: Oh, thanks.

Speaker: If she'd have kept on going down that way, she'd have gone straight to that castle.

Speaker: I don't know why it was cockney, but I kind of liked it.

Speaker: Like there was something about it, but there was something Python-esque about it as well that I kind of liked.

Speaker: But later on, there's a real Python moment in it.

Speaker: But, you know, Jones has really put his stamp on it.

Speaker: So Hoggle's peeing, spish up at the door, moisture walls.

Speaker: Now, we've referenced wetness in this show more than I thought.

Speaker: And when she first goes into the lab, there's like a glistening layer of moisture on everything.

Speaker: It's very sweaty.

Speaker: like Van Damme's back.

Speaker: Like, like Freddy Krueger's workshop.

Speaker: Yeah, but the thing is, he's got that all wrong because, you know, this is just for running down, not for trying to do fucking hard work.

Speaker: Anyway, I know what you mean.

Speaker: Wet walls.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: Prior knowledge again, she starts running, then chucks a straw, meets a tiny cockney worm.

Speaker: Then the frustrating bit that happens about you don't want to go that way, that leads to the castle.

Speaker: That wound me up to absolute shit.

Speaker: I still don't understand why it's frustrating because she's never really made it clear.

Speaker: In his head, you've got to imagine, he lives on the outskirts.

Speaker: So he's a dude who lives, I don't know, in Richmond or something.

Speaker: And in his head, it's like me saying to you, Dan, what's it like in central London on a fucking Saturday?

Speaker: And you say, fucking ball ache.

Speaker: So you're going, well,

Speaker: Yeah, go that way then, mate, because you don't want, you know, it's nice in Twickenham and you've gone, fucking hell.

Speaker: If she'd have gone the other way, she'd end up with them arseholes in bloody central London on a Saturday.

Speaker: And you're like, but that's what I want to do because the worm's just living on the outskirts.

Speaker: He don't give a fuck.

Speaker: He's thinking it's dangerous in there.

Speaker: Okay, so have you ever watched

Speaker: And I'll tell you what it is.

Speaker: There's two great examples of programs that do this.

Speaker: One of them is a sitcom.

Speaker: You know, like those really shit American ones, like Everyone Loves Raymond, King of Queens.

Speaker: And you can go back and you can get some English ones in there as well, where...

Speaker: And this is the male role models that we were subjected to in our late teens, early twenties, where Balti Towers, buying an example, if there was just a normal Frank chat in the way that people spoke to each other, everything would be fine.

Speaker: There'd be none of the hilarity that would ensue.

Speaker: But Dan, she's talking to a worm wearing a scarf in a sweaty, in a sweaty corridor.

Speaker: Yeah, and he invites me for a cup of tea with the missus.

Speaker: At this point, you go, hey, I'm trying to get that castle.

Speaker: I don't suppose you know where to go.

Speaker: I live on the outskirts.

Speaker: I live in Richmond, mate.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: I'm just a worm.

Speaker: And he even says, nah.

Speaker: She went, I don't suppose you know I'd get there.

Speaker: And he goes, nah, I'm just a worm.

Speaker: Or something like that.

Speaker: Do you know way through the labyrinth is what she asked him.

Speaker: A line of questioning is wrong at this point.

Speaker: To be fair to her, 10 minutes ago, she was babysitting a kid who's just turned into a cloth rag and disappeared.

Speaker: An owl's turned into a 1980s absolute legend.

Speaker: She's seen a fucking weirdo pissing in a lake shooting fairies.

Speaker: And now there's a... I mean, she is mushroom tripping.

Speaker: Yeah, she's taking a lot of this on the chin.

Speaker: I refer you to the night of the diet pills and tell me exactly how much you were compass mentors, Daniel.

Speaker: Never in mind.

Speaker: I remember things I knew before.

Speaker: Lotus Elise, strippers.

Speaker: I was young and needed the money.

Speaker: There was no money.

Speaker: So then we cut to... Everywhere.

Speaker: Strippers everywhere.

Speaker: So then we cut to the castle and Bowie's bored.

Speaker: He's bored.

Speaker: And then he goes, you remind me of the babe.

Speaker: The baby babe or whatever the fuck he does.

Speaker: That's the song.

Speaker: Yeah, and then we've got Shonky dancing from the puppets.

Speaker: Big dance number.

Speaker: The baby somehow smiles.

Speaker: He seems to be really entertained by all this.

Speaker: Baby at the end is when he's thrown him in the air is a proper rag doll.

Speaker: He looks like Rosie and Jim.

Speaker: He's cobbing him up in the air.

Speaker: I think this is a scene or maybe it's another scene where it comes back where he's saying to him something like, oh, I might call you Jareth.

Speaker: I'm not honest.

Speaker: This is a bit I was talking about earlier on.

Speaker: The baby wouldn't stop fucking scrawking.

Speaker: And he was putting everyone's head in.

Speaker: It was like, what can we do?

Speaker: What can we do?

Speaker: I mean, to be fair, he's surrounded by hell.

Speaker: You know, there's just all sorts of nastiness around the kid.

Speaker: Although some kids are weird like that.

Speaker: My sister always used to be mad on Thriller, Michael Jackson.

Speaker: We used to call her the Thriller Junkie because she was obsessed with him turning into the werewolf and all the zombies.

Speaker: whereas some kids would hate it.

Speaker: So kids are funny.

Speaker: So what they realized, somebody on the crew realized they had a sooty puppet, hand puppet, and it used to stop the baby crying.

Speaker: He was obsessed by it.

Speaker: So he sort of stares quite a bit.

Speaker: It ended up doing the scene where Bowie's doing his monologue, wearing a sooty hand puppet out of shot whilst holding the baby, just going, so in a few years, you'll be mine.

Speaker: And the kids just transfixed with bloody sooty, just going,

Speaker: That's how they did it.

Speaker: They've got Sooty off camera on his hand.

Speaker: I've just realised, I probably know the answer to this given where you grew up, but did you ever go to those Sooty stage shows where there was like Button Moon on or Sooty or something like that?

Speaker: No, but it didn't go, yeah.

Speaker: I know what you mean.

Speaker: We used to get on buses to go into Sheffield City Centre to go to the Crucible to go and watch Sooty on the stage.

Speaker: Looking back, that's insane, right?

Speaker: That's something I like about it.

Speaker: It's like you bought my little girl Baz the Owl and

Speaker: she's got a lot of different bits and bobs in tech and God knows what, but she still loves that owl and likes to stick him in the air and shout, up the owls, which is hilarious.

Speaker: She did it the other day.

Speaker: She went, where's Baz?

Speaker: And she put him straight on hand in the air, up the owls.

Speaker: It's just like, it's hilarious.

Speaker: But no, I think I do like it that kids still like stuff like that.

Speaker: You know, I read in this book about parenting where they're saying about you can give your kids all the landfill in the world you want, you know, to use.

Speaker: they will still like a cat play with a box and stuff.

Speaker: So, yeah, there's an element of... I'm trying to tie it back to this in some ways.

Speaker: I like the kid being transfixed by Sooty.

Speaker: I also like the fact that this film for kids has got that real edge of this is fucking frightening, but at the same time, it's fun, sort of.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Muppet Christmas Carol has the same vibe.

Speaker: I mean, this is the Muppets, right?

Speaker: But that ghost of Christmas future when it points at that graveyard...

Speaker: The thing is, that's very much a Muppet film.

Speaker: This is where they've gone... I don't know if you saw it, but Jim Henson's studio did a thing called Storyteller.

Speaker: Do you know of this?

Speaker: I think I have.

Speaker: I think I remember.

Speaker: So I think it was John Hurt originally, and then it became... I can't remember who... John Hurt definitely did the first one.

Speaker: And he looks just like Paul Whitehouse's character.

Speaker: He's just...

Speaker: Very funky.

Speaker: He looks like that guy.

Speaker: Big sort of extended nose.

Speaker: And he tells stories by the fire with very much a dog, a bit like the one out of the Fraggles, just that kind of furry kind of fun dog.

Speaker: But the stories then cut to like a dream of like talking about something from Greek mythology.

Speaker: But there's one where a bloke plays cards with the devils, these little imp devils.

Speaker: They are horrific, Dan.

Speaker: The sweaty red little imp things.

Speaker: And there's like a griffin and shit.

Speaker: And what I love about these stoners who made these kind of puppets made out of fur and God knows what is, they also had that really dark element where they could make some shit like that, which would be really horrific and make kids.

Speaker: It's just fairy tales, isn't it?

Speaker: It's the Brothers Grimm, really, this.

Speaker: Yeah, very much so.

Speaker: So we then, she's going through the labyrinth, right?

Speaker: And she starts marking the labyrinth with a lipstick.

Speaker: And I must admit, the three flanks that she, it made me laugh.

Speaker: It made me laugh each time at a different way of them erasing the arrow that she'd just done.

Speaker: I found that quite funny.

Speaker: Even though voices are going, like properly telling, John, I've told you, we've done it that way.

Speaker: Turn it around.

Speaker: Yeah, they reminded me of the dozers from Fraggle Rock, like these little geasers.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: I went scared of them once.

Speaker: And then we come up against these blue and red Scottish fellas that are two up, two down.

Speaker: And then they do the one lies, one always tells the truth, classic riddle.

Speaker: How would you work that out?

Speaker: Because I once did a post when it was Facebook times where I think I'd put it as, I can't think we did status or whatever.

Speaker: Can you guess what I've been speaking about at work?

Speaker: And I'd drawn two shields, legs and arms at each end and put lies, truth.

Speaker: And about 20 people more than do a post, you've been watching the Labyrinth.

Speaker: This just confused people for the longest time about how you meant to actually, I've actually looked it up to date and how to beat it.

Speaker: But yeah, go on.

Speaker: What did you think of that?

Speaker: One always lies, one always tells the truth.

Speaker: Well, right.

Speaker: So in 2010, I was a huge fan.

Speaker: I used to have to travel into London from, from Croydon and I was a huge fan of the Ricky Gervais, Steven Merchant, Carl Pilkington podcast.

Speaker: And, and they, they asked that riddle to Carl Pilkington.

Speaker: And, and I think he says something like, what can I not put me under?

Speaker: One's an entrance to heaven and one's an entrance to hell.

Speaker: And,

Speaker: you know, one lies, one tells the truth.

Speaker: They said, can I not just put my hand on the door, see if it's hot or something like that?

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: And then Gervais, you know, tells the answer to the riddle.

Speaker: So I kind of knew the answer already, but it is quite a big philosophical riddle, isn't it?

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: People, it's a bit stumped in it.

Speaker: I've often had that conversation.

Speaker: It's a bit like chicken and the egg where I've been pissed or off my head with someone going, fuck it.

Speaker: And I looked it up and it's actually not as hard as you think.

Speaker: Basically, you have to ask the question,

Speaker: of if the guards you asked... I don't know.

Speaker: You must ask the guards, it doesn't matter which one, which door the other guard would say leads out, right?

Speaker: So that's the way you do it, which she basically does.

Speaker: Now, if it's the one who's lying, they're going to say...

Speaker: that it is whichever door both of them say you go in the other one yes for those who've tried to work this out for ages what you do so the guard you asked is the one who lies he will lead you astray by saying falsely that the other guard the truthful one will point towards b this makes a the safe bet and if it's the truthful one he'll tell you that the one will lie and it'll be b and that's still not really very clear but yeah it's done people said in for years but it's uh basically i think she gets it right but because she's a piece of cake yet again she goes down to the grabby hands

Speaker: Well, that's exactly the, that is exactly the words I've written on my notes here.

Speaker: Grabby hand pit.

Speaker: And then I've wrote afterwards, this is fucking terrifying.

Speaker: Oh, you, so would you just been bad with the hands that they're helping hands, but would you have had a problem with them?

Speaker: Not drunk or off your face as much as you would have sober.

Speaker: they're all a bit grabby, they're all a bit touchy-feely, and then they start pulling their faces when they start talking, which I thought was genuinely clever.

Speaker: But it's, I'm like, this is, and then you just absorb the last couple of minutes of movie that you've just watched, and you're like, this is, this is a kid's movie.

Speaker: This is mental.

Speaker: And then, yeah, I wrote this.

Speaker: I know you've got a problem with the filth on these puppets.

Speaker: Yeah, they've got, yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, they're going to have shit behind their fingernails as well.

Speaker: And you know, they'll touch your face.

Speaker: And that for me will upset me.

Speaker: And then Hoggle returns.

Speaker: He just comes back out of the blue and goes, I thought I'd give you a hand once you sit at the bottom of this pit.

Speaker: He just comes back.

Speaker: And then this is the real Monty Python bit.

Speaker: So they're walking through a tunnel and there's those big rock faces going, don't go this way.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: And then Hoggle goes...

Speaker: I know.

Speaker: Don't worry about it.

Speaker: We're not listening to you.

Speaker: He goes, well, I just like saying it.

Speaker: Well, I know already.

Speaker: Well, I just wanted to do my job.

Speaker: And that is very Python, isn't it?

Speaker: It's a bit weird to say something like, oh, it's been such a long time.

Speaker: Turn back now.

Speaker: Oh, no, you'll keep it.

Speaker: Yeah, it is.

Speaker: It's very Python.

Speaker: You forget that it's David.

Speaker: Let's call it Terry Jones.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: Now, it's at this point where she finds herself in the Oubelet, which is a, which is, which I actually Googled what it was, because I think I saw a meme about it last month that said, this is what an Oubelet is.

Speaker: It's essentially a dungeon where people put you in to forget about you.

Speaker: So you sit there and just die.

Speaker: And the word Oubelet gets used about four times in the next 30 seconds.

Speaker: Yeah, he becomes the oubliette.

Speaker: So as a kid, you knew the word oubliette from being quite small as a place of forgetfulness based on the French verb to forget, I do believe.

Speaker: Oh, well then.

Speaker: Well, fancy you.

Speaker: So here we are in the oubliette.

Speaker: Now, at this point, we've just been joined by a guest.

Speaker: We're going to get joined by Ryan's sister, Megan.

Speaker: Can you hear us, Megan?

Speaker: Can you give us a mic check?

Speaker: I can hear you.

Speaker: I'm receiving you.

Speaker: So Dan didn't know that Megan was joining.

Speaker: Dan's known Megan a long time, but Megan has felt the fear of the rinth for quite a while.

Speaker: And I thought, who better to talk Dan through what other bits have been going on and to make him feel good that it's not actually a puppet joining him.

Speaker: So all you've missed so far is, Megan, that he didn't mind the worm as much as he thought, thinks Hoggle's a bit grim.

Speaker: What else, Dan?

Speaker: Was there anything else I've missed?

Speaker: Oh, sweaty walls and dirty hands.

Speaker: Yeah, I don't like the sweaty walls either.

Speaker: I'd go with you on that.

Speaker: Also, actually, if you look really closely at Hoggle's skin, it's quite a mess.

Speaker: It needs a good exfoliating regime, doesn't it?

Speaker: It's kind of annoying me.

Speaker: I kind of want to get in there and just start popping away.

Speaker: It's a stress ball for me.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: So we're in the Oubliette, a place to be forgotten about.

Speaker: And again, there is some prior knowledge here that didn't really get understood because she just kind of announces, oh, Hoggle, you like jewellery, don't you?

Speaker: Yeah, I do.

Speaker: That's not prior knowledge.

Speaker: When did that get mentioned?

Speaker: Has he got things on him or something, Meg?

Speaker: He's got a keychain.

Speaker: Yeah, he's got stuff on him, I think.

Speaker: Does she take that early on in the film to make him show her the way to go?

Speaker: No, that's later on.

Speaker: That's in a bit.

Speaker: Okay, fine.

Speaker: Fine, but maybe she just spied it.

Speaker: No, because he sees her thing.

Speaker: It's, oh, they're nice, precious.

Speaker: And she's going, oh, they're just plastic.

Speaker: And he's going, plastic.

Speaker: He doesn't know what plastic is, does he?

Speaker: He's a bit obsessed with her charms.

Speaker: They look like someone from Fanny Island in Skegg.

Speaker: It does, actually, to be fair.

Speaker: Real place people will not just be horrific.

Speaker: So, and then we enter an amazing trick with the door to say they did that live.

Speaker: I don't know why, but I found that really entertaining where like he picks the door up and then he opens it and there's a little cupboard.

Speaker: Then he opens it the other way and then it goes.

Speaker: I was like, that's really cool.

Speaker: I really enjoyed that.

Speaker: Come out of like a pot, don't they?

Speaker: Or something that you shouldn't be able to get out of.

Speaker: It's all mystical in there.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: Really enjoyed it.

Speaker: And then he comes out of the pot.

Speaker: Now, at this point, we'll put a pin in it.

Speaker: And Megan, I want you to talk to us about your experiences with this movie.

Speaker: So, you know, we're kind of at a midway point.

Speaker: We're at the... Towards the end of Ike 1.

Speaker: So, you know, was there anything that particularly terrified you in the first bit that you thought, I don't like this?

Speaker: I don't like the goblins shuffling around the bedroom.

Speaker: When they take Toby.

Speaker: I didn't call that hijinks.

Speaker: He thought that was hilarious.

Speaker: No, I don't.

Speaker: Do you know what?

Speaker: I think it's more the sounds than anything else that I don't like.

Speaker: I actually don't.

Speaker: I was trying to think about it.

Speaker: I actually don't find the goblins themselves particularly terrifying.

Speaker: There's one particular character which we can't talk about yet that...

Speaker: I think is the minion of the Antichrist and is a hard pass.

Speaker: But other than that, I'm kind of all right with the goblins.

Speaker: One of them, the one that's got like the slightly like oval head and the really bug eyes and like a short like ketamine fringe with a bit of long hair, I'm quite into.

Speaker: Did you say ketamine fringe?

Speaker: Ketamine fringe.

Speaker: You know that short, like somebody's put a bowl on their head and cut it short across.

Speaker: Is that the Phil Foden haircut that all the kids are having nowadays where they look like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber?

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Yes, correct.

Speaker: Ketamine fringe.

Speaker: It's a goblin on ketamine for those who want to be properly freaked out.

Speaker: Okay, so we go topside and a man shuffles inside.

Speaker: Topside, you've now got terminology for this place.

Speaker: Yeah, is it?

Speaker: Is that what it's called?

Speaker: They just come out and they're on the top.

Speaker: You branded it topside.

Speaker: This is topside labyrinth, mid-level, three ranges in.

Speaker: They've come from the Oobolet, the now top side of it.

Speaker: That's just, it's just English, right?

Speaker: And who's this character they meet here then, Dan?

Speaker: Right, so they don't give a name, right?

Speaker: Unless I missed it.

Speaker: I'll read you my notes verbatim.

Speaker: It says, hang on, this is fucking terrifying.

Speaker: Oobolet, prior knowledge about, amazing trick door.

Speaker: This is fucking terrifying.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: I've written that.

Speaker: Bowie comes up, reduces the time.

Speaker: He's pissed off with them.

Speaker: But before that, we have, they come out and they speak to a geezer with a flamingo head on that chats away.

Speaker: He falls asleep, but still manages to do the baggie part.

Speaker: He doesn't do a great deal, but Megan will do you a form impression of the head.

Speaker: It's a stimulating being your hat.

Speaker: That's it.

Speaker: It gets out the little ring thing.

Speaker: I guess time up or something like that.

Speaker: Yeah, the hat, which is obviously a person or a being, is one of my favourites.

Speaker: Top five.

Speaker: In the film?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Okay, I thought you meant like compared to anything.

Speaker: Top five in the film.

Speaker: And so up topside, I meet Birdhead guy who gives a shit advice, quite funny, comes across a hung up Yeti.

Speaker: So there's a Yeti upstart and the noise that bellows around.

Speaker: But just before that, they're in a hedge maze.

Speaker: And there's a guy doing the Monty Python kind of walk that you get from the Holy Grail, just jutting around and they kind of just miss him.

Speaker: And he's never referenced or seen or heard of again in the movie whatsoever.

Speaker: Then they come round to a big yeti and then a load of slapstick takes place with some pincery little guys on a stick.

Speaker: And then... I don't like those.

Speaker: Oh, do you not like them?

Speaker: Well, I don't mind the guys.

Speaker: I don't like the little biting yabby things.

Speaker: Well, they didn't seem to leave any long-lasting mark on the yeti that we now know as... Is it Ludo?

Speaker: Is that what you're saying?

Speaker: Ludo.

Speaker: Ludo.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: So you get Ludo down and Hoggle's buggered off.

Speaker: He's got Mogg on.

Speaker: He's buggered off.

Speaker: He's scared when he hears the sound of Ludo.

Speaker: Did Ludo in any way remind you of... I was about to name a name then, but I can't.

Speaker: So remember, Dan, we've had certain mates and there's always been like the brother.

Speaker: Or what's it in?

Speaker: My name is Earl.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Ludo always reminds me of that.

Speaker: Ludo.

Speaker: It's like, you know, even in Skeggis, he just reminds me of that person for some reason.

Speaker: He's friendly enough, but he's just the muscle, isn't he, really, in some ways, the lad.

Speaker: Well, yeah.

Speaker: Well, he's got quite a useful trick that turns up the next couple of... Yeah, but how do you know you've got that?

Speaker: Imagine if you've got a place of rocks.

Speaker: He's kind of like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

Speaker: Well, what's his skill?

Speaker: You haven't got one.

Speaker: Well, exactly.

Speaker: He's quite scared.

Speaker: He's quite scared, but he's like her friend.

Speaker: He's the one that probably has the biggest heart for her.

Speaker: Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Speaker: Do you know what, Dan?

Speaker: He's got feet a bit like the Predator, where his feet move a bit, you know, because they're obviously not real feet.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: The toes move a bit like that.

Speaker: Meta note of it.

Speaker: Even wrote Predator feet.

Speaker: I do actually really find it fascinating with Ludo because, obviously, I used to be inside costume characters.

Speaker: So actually... Megan, people outside of the East Coast listen to this.

Speaker: You might have to explain this one to people.

Speaker: Oh, no, go on.

Speaker: Well, I think people would understand costume characters.

Speaker: You see it at fairgrounds or, you know, like in Disney, like Mickey or Minnie Mouse.

Speaker: I always find it really fascinating trying to work out where the head must be.

Speaker: Ludo's quite a big thing.

Speaker: When you see him with the top half off, he's a lot of Ludo above him.

Speaker: Yeah, is it like an animatronic on top and he's just basically in the legs?

Speaker: Yeah, he's basically in the arms and everything.

Speaker: I think he's probably up to his sternum or something, his head.

Speaker: But he's not looking for a mesh bit on the front like on the East Coast.

Speaker: Yeah, I used to look out the mouth or sometimes some eye holes.

Speaker: And then some ropey kid from Rotherham would grab the head and give you... No, it was usually some ropey bloke from Rotherham who'd come running along and pound it like he was doing the knockout game, the punch bag game on the fairground.

Speaker: And I had a helmet inside and the head would just start spinning.

Speaker: I was only about 14.

Speaker: My favourite bit about those costume characters is that we used to have them at the holiday park that we worked at.

Speaker: And everywhere... Now, bear in mind, this was 2000, so it's a year after Attack of the Clones has just... Attack of the Clones, episode one had come out.

Speaker: And so, lightsabers once again...

Speaker: for the first time in a number of years with a big toy for the kids.

Speaker: And so there was something about bringing Noddy, Spider-Man, the Red Power Ranger, bringing them out.

Speaker: Or we used to have these big inflatable scary 10-foot clowns and you bring them out and kids would lose their mind.

Speaker: They'd get these big lightsabers.

Speaker: Did you ever get attacked by a lightsaber, Meg?

Speaker: No, I never got attacked by a lightsaber, but I was once inside an alien, these alien characters.

Speaker: And for the opening weekend of them being on the holiday park, they went all out and put us on stage with pyrotechnics.

Speaker: Now, bear in mind, I can only see about half a centimetre through the eye holes.

Speaker: And I don't know if you've ever been to this age of pyrotechnics, but you have to be on a certain mark when they go off.

Speaker: And I had shoes on that looked like Ludo's feet.

Speaker: They were like, just like wearing giant pillows.

Speaker: And the whole thing was obviously made of a highly flammable...

Speaker: material and every time before we went on stage we would say goodbye to each other because we you know we were only about 14 the three of us in there we genuinely thought we were going to die through being ignited on the stage and actually we did make it through unscathed apart from my friend did get some slight burn on one side of her shoulder

Speaker: No, but to be honest, when I say slight burn on one side of her shoulder, I mean her costume shoulder, not her ankles.

Speaker: I was going to say, there was a lot of girls that worked in places like that, the camera where we slight burn.

Speaker: So moving on, right, Bowie turns up, off us out of Peach.

Speaker: You've got his name right, finally.

Speaker: There we go.

Speaker: Bowie.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: Right, okay.

Speaker: Jareth.

Speaker: Yeah, but that's weird as well, because people know he's called Jareth, but he says it kind of so... I think, what do you call it?

Speaker: Hoggle says it a few times.

Speaker: Oh, you're scared of Jareth?

Speaker: Because he said that... You don't really know what his name is, to be fair.

Speaker: So you just meant to know.

Speaker: Is this the bit where he's in the tunnels?

Speaker: Or where has he turned up?

Speaker: With the peach?

Speaker: Yeah, he's got the peach.

Speaker: So Hoggle's run off with the mug on and he's gone, oh, I was only joking.

Speaker: Well, I'll give her that then and go and see her again.

Speaker: So he's now on with Peach and then goes to find him.

Speaker: And then we come to these door knockers with the rings in their mouths and around the red.

Speaker: And again...

Speaker: very very very python but this is really good puppetry you know like normally when the piece of scenery moves you can see it's about to happen i didn't see that coming but i kind of did and they reminded me of what's those um two people in the muppet show is it waldorf and statler waldorf yeah yeah they kind of got this is rubbish what do i come here for boom uh kind of that little bit of back and forth grumble all you ever do is grumble they're all like

Speaker: You can get them as earrings now, you know.

Speaker: I always get them up coming on my Instagram as a thing.

Speaker: I've just been... I don't know if anyone would really want them knockers or something.

Speaker: But apparently there's... Yeah, they're... Isn't it one of them leads straight to the castle as well?

Speaker: I don't know, but there doesn't seem to be much deliberation as to what door to go through because this one, for some reason, it said knock and you'll go through it.

Speaker: And she just decided to go through the one that didn't have the knocker in his mouth.

Speaker: So you could have gone through that one, it'd been a lot easier, caused less grief, but now she's just stuck that thing in his mouth and it's now stuck there forever until somebody else goes through it.

Speaker: Like a bit harsh.

Speaker: And he could have dropped it anyway, but she ults his nose and all that stuff.

Speaker: So they've got lungs in the door, which I always found was kind of weird because if he can't breathe,

Speaker: I guess you've got to let it go.

Speaker: It's a fantasy world.

Speaker: So where did they end up after the door knockers down?

Speaker: So this is the shittest bit in any movie I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker: I have never been so angry with a fucking film.

Speaker: I can't remember which bit comes next.

Speaker: Are you ready?

Speaker: So, and I've seen some shit, right?

Speaker: But this is like the pink elephants in Pinocchio.

Speaker: This is in Dumbo.

Speaker: This is absolutely bloody awful.

Speaker: They come across...

Speaker: a load of flamingos with crap special effects that have got reggae accents that just perform a reggae number where their heads are detachable from their bodies it adds nothing to the story there's no reason no no no it adds the one of the greatest songs of the whole film Chilly Down's a classic Chilly Down with the Fieries I mean that again I would say for me it's really hard because there's so many excellent songs in the film but I would say top three

Speaker: Chilly Down is, you should again, there's a version they've done where Bowie's got it on the album, where he's got other people doing it.

Speaker: And there's a bit where he goes, I don't have any good time.

Speaker: And he goes, this is a tad flower.

Speaker: But those are the fuckers that I was most scared of.

Speaker: Because they've got the classic ET thing.

Speaker: They've got long fingers and big eyes.

Speaker: And they're just, the bit where he pulls his fucking eyes out and he's got nothing behind his eyes and swallows his eyeballs and rolls them like dice.

Speaker: And then doesn't he go, doesn't he go, snake eyes like that or something?

Speaker: These bastards are the ones that haunt my dream.

Speaker: I thought they were orange, but you're saying the flamingos, they're pink.

Speaker: They're kind of pink and orange feathered things.

Speaker: They're not like flamingos.

Speaker: I get what you're saying.

Speaker: Because we saw people at Butlins doing the old, you know, black suit thing.

Speaker: But they're not great, Dan.

Speaker: They're not great.

Speaker: Especially when they're grabbing her all around the head.

Speaker: It's a bit, oh, pull off your head.

Speaker: We brought this up on the show before, Meg, but I'll do it for your benefit if anybody's not caught it before.

Speaker: So there was a show at Butlins where there used to be a puppet show where the puppet would mouth to contemporary songs.

Speaker: A lot of Ghostbusters in there.

Speaker: It was the same people that made Doobie Duck, right?

Speaker: And then they would move from the puppet castle to the puppet cart.

Speaker: And then the two people that operated the puppets would essentially stand there and just swing around a big bloody flamingo.

Speaker: Now, I didn't understand the point of it because you can see the man.

Speaker: Eh?

Speaker: You can't in this.

Speaker: Yeah, I know, but it just looked like a geezer was swinging it around, and it added nothing to the entire movie whatsoever.

Speaker: There was no point in getting it in.

Speaker: And you're telling me that DB wrote that song?

Speaker: Yeah, he wrote everything.

Speaker: Jesus.

Speaker: And that song, written by that man, is right up there now with the reggae bit in Live and Let Die, for me.

Speaker: But what I was saying to you at the start was, he's about to go into a very shit period, album-wise.

Speaker: Don't Let Me Down is not a good album.

Speaker: But he's about to go into all that period around there.

Speaker: So maybe that's a bit of that, but...

Speaker: I think it's classic hymns.

Speaker: It goes, chilling down with the five S and goes, and it's not a million miles off.

Speaker: Get me to the church on time.

Speaker: Yeah, modern love.

Speaker: Anyway, you've got to see the song within the song, Dom.

Speaker: I hated it.

Speaker: So anyway, we moved on.

Speaker: And then now we slide down a slide and then we nearly fall into the, hang on, got to get this right, the bog of eternal stench.

Speaker: It's been threatened a few times.

Speaker: You do that in your X-Factor voice.

Speaker: Bog of eternal strength.

Speaker: I like that more, the Bog of Eternal Strand.

Speaker: I'd be in there.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: And so Ludo stops from falling in and then they are stopped by... Say it again.

Speaker: His feet get a bit wet.

Speaker: Oh, no, that's coming.

Speaker: Who have they stopped by, Dan?

Speaker: They're stopped by what I've written here, and I never caught his name for the rest of the movie, Musketeer Rocket Raccoon.

Speaker: And who else?

Speaker: And he's got an eye patch and Jew looks dog.

Speaker: Ambrosius.

Speaker: Is that his name?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Ambrosius.

Speaker: The little knight is called?

Speaker: Sididimus.

Speaker: Sididimus.

Speaker: Sididimus.

Speaker: Yep.

Speaker: And what did you think of his overall character?

Speaker: Ah, he just pissed me off.

Speaker: Why?

Speaker: Right, so, right, Meg, listen, Ryan and I went to go and watch the Flash movie, and one thing that really fucked me off through the entire movie was the bit where you've got older Flash and younger Flash, and older Flash is going, now stop that, you don't do that, just wait here, and he's going, oh my God, I'm just going to run up and do it anyway, and it's like, no, stop it, and he'd do it anyway, and then now stop that, and

Speaker: And it happened all the way through the movie and it did me fucking head in.

Speaker: That is the entire point of this character, to tell the dog not to do something and then it just kept fucking doing it.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: Arrosius is his mighty steed, Dan.

Speaker: It's a Dulux dog that sat there and shook, which was clearly just a hand doing this.

Speaker: Well, no, because it actually at some points is the real life dog.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: When it's clearly a stick figure.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And it was seamless, seamless.

Speaker: It didn't look like a He-Man strapped to the back of a puppy.

Speaker: You know, when he lets them go over the, he goes, he brings the rocks down.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: You've kind of missed that vital part.

Speaker: I must say that how Ludo helped them over the block of a eternal sense.

Speaker: So the Yeti, the Yeti roar brings rocks.

Speaker: But then when they walk over the rocks, hilariously it makes fart noises.

Speaker: And I'll not lie.

Speaker: I did laugh at that bit.

Speaker: Of course you did.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: Yeah, I knew you'd laugh at that.

Speaker: The thing that gets me with that is, though, that you can't touch this bog at all.

Speaker: But they all walk over rocks that have rolled into the water, so are wet.

Speaker: Because if it's just me and the way I am, but I'd be going, can we wait for them to dry?

Speaker: Because if it's that stinky, he's got them on his Lietti feet, the Ambrosius has got them on his toes.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: She's wearing like an espadrille.

Speaker: What's she called her?

Speaker: Espadrille.

Speaker: Espadrille.

Speaker: I was going to say Esperanto.

Speaker: That's an international language.

Speaker: She's got them on her espadrilles, hasn't she?

Speaker: And yeah, I just think they all stink after that.

Speaker: No, she's wearing little leather slippers.

Speaker: Yeah, they're like little leathery.

Speaker: They look like early Crocs to me.

Speaker: No.

Speaker: No, they're more like a soft, they're like a Tom, but more pointed.

Speaker: And leather.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: So welcome to footwear chat from the movies.

Speaker: I have to say, I did think she was the epitome of style.

Speaker: Really?

Speaker: Growing up, I really thought she was something chic.

Speaker: Nice leather shoes.

Speaker: Yeah, lovely shoes.

Speaker: So anyway, the funniest bit about running over those rocks, you know, I have the same concerns as you.

Speaker: I'd be like, well, the bottom of my feet will stench eternally now, even though the dog can't smell it.

Speaker: The rocket raccoon musketeer, he can't smell it, apparently.

Speaker: He does say, though, that his sense of smell is keen.

Speaker: Yeah, he says it's keen, but he can't smell the pit of eternal stench.

Speaker: But Megan, what part of Cidadimus' anatomy do you like best?

Speaker: Well, I like a few parts of it, but I really like his teeth when he brandishes them, but I don't know if he does that in that moment, but his knees in particular.

Speaker: He's got like red knees, hasn't he?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Bandy little legs.

Speaker: Yeah, I noticed them later on, but there's a bit where there's a close-up during the battle scene towards the end, and that is a really very well-done puppet.

Speaker: The eyes on it look really human, and you're like, oh, God, they're shocked each time.

Speaker: Is this because you've only seen the foam puppets and you just think that they can't do the good shit?

Speaker: I don't know, right?

Speaker: Some of these puppets are absolutely outstanding.

Speaker: Some are amazing.

Speaker: And another, like the goblins are particularly shit.

Speaker: They've clearly dressed up a little fella and gone, you know, dance around a bit.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: But like Hoggle's amazing.

Speaker: The main characters are really very good.

Speaker: And the ones that have speaking parts are excellent.

Speaker: The extras, not so much.

Speaker: And then the soldiers, it's like they've gone, I can't be arsed to do any more animatronics on the face.

Speaker: Just put an helmet that covers your entire head.

Speaker: That's not it.

Speaker: But with Sididimus as well, I don't know if you notice, he's one of the only ones that's got those what I call Kermit straw arms.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, that kind of... He's got them rods in him.

Speaker: Oh, sorry, I've ruined you.

Speaker: Pop you down.

Speaker: Where are we at now?

Speaker: I've no idea.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: We're over the boggles of eternal stench.

Speaker: Right, and then I've got Falling to Ludo, Stopped by Musketeer, Rocket Raccoon, Protects the Bridge, Needless Fight Scene.

Speaker: Yeah, the bit before The Stench, there's a Needless Fight Scene with Rocket Raccoon and the Yeti.

Speaker: Absolutely fucking Needless.

Speaker: What does he say?

Speaker: He says, I will climb this mountain.

Speaker: That's what he says.

Speaker: As synonymous as he says something, I will conquer this mountain, I will climb this mountain.

Speaker: It's the ad-libs.

Speaker: The beauty of this film is in the ad-libs.

Speaker: He's just got the little bits of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's going on.

Speaker: And he then becomes his brother, you see, because he sees him as an equal, even though everyone's going, that thing could squash him dead quick.

Speaker: I like it when he keeps popping out of the tree, though.

Speaker: He's like popping out of little bits of the tree.

Speaker: He's quite a chap.

Speaker: Did me, I didn't.

Speaker: Did me, I didn't.

Speaker: Right, so yeah.

Speaker: Which one of these characters you'd like, would you least and most like to live with you?

Speaker: Other than Seth.

Speaker: All right, we'll come to that.

Speaker: We'll come to that.

Speaker: Right, so, Jewelux Dog turns up, that's Rocket Raccoon's ride, more hilarious fart noises.

Speaker: Yeah, because when they go over it, it goes... Yeah.

Speaker: But then when Rocket Raccoon goes over, it goes... And I found that really funny.

Speaker: Did the microphone pick that up?

Speaker: No, it didn't, and it never does.

Speaker: And normally when I have to put things over, I'm not doing that.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Yeah, and it's like a really funny, quick one.

Speaker: And then Jules Dog, Hoggle gives her the sinister peach that he's received.

Speaker: So they run into Hoggle.

Speaker: He gives her the sinister peach.

Speaker: Sinister peach.

Speaker: She decides to lay down for a bit.

Speaker: And then the crystals that Bowie sends and showing her visual aids, you know, to help her forget about her little brother.

Speaker: Cute weird dream sequence.

Speaker: She falls into some trash.

Speaker: Hold on, hold on, hold on, stop.

Speaker: I paraphrased a lot there.

Speaker: You've missed out the finest song in it for me.

Speaker: This is the song that, as I put it on the Twitter thing, I once, in about 19... God, back to 2000, it was in Sheffield, in Slug and Fiddle, Slug and Lettuce, I was actually on a Slug and Fiddle on Exile Road.

Speaker: and I decided to sing this at an open mic night, and this is when I realized the power in it.

Speaker: So the song's called As the World Falls Down, which is, I just think it's beautiful.

Speaker: I think you should have, you know, I've heard people piss about with it a little bit, and actually, Dan, I'll tell you a story.

Speaker: I'll tell you this bit first.

Speaker: So I'd sung this, and I sort of just got my eyes closed, just sort of singing away.

Speaker: I looked up, and in no way did I ever really have this doing singing, but there was a lot of, like, girls about my age at the front just going,

Speaker: like that and I thought wait for me and I was speaking to him afterwards going it's just David Bowie in this bit of the film because he looks great in the ballroom scene and I think it had been for girls of a certain age I don't know guys as well it had been like a real it's a very romantic thing and she's looking older than she's meant to be because there is that weird age thing again he hasn't he isn't as goblin he's amongst humans isn't he and stuff like that it's quite romantic in the middle of a I guess he looks absolutely stunning

Speaker: He looks great as well in this, even though he's freaky.

Speaker: Yeah, but we're not... But, you know, she looks like a princess and that's why you love it.

Speaker: I must say the thing I do find quite disturbing now is the age difference.

Speaker: We just realised that, weren't we?

Speaker: We were talking about that with Dirty Dancing.

Speaker: Johnny.

Speaker: Just leave it alone.

Speaker: Baby is way too young, mate.

Speaker: What's going on?

Speaker: You're much too young, girl.

Speaker: But in this bit as well, in this weird dream sequence, Bowie's got blue tints in his hair.

Speaker: It's just added a bit of colour in there.

Speaker: And all his mates.

Speaker: But I've always had it in Memphis for me.

Speaker: His mates are dicks.

Speaker: They're hangers on.

Speaker: There's a guy, though, that wears the plague mask.

Speaker: You know, like the Doctors of the Plague would have worn.

Speaker: Yeah, a few of them.

Speaker: With the long nose.

Speaker: Old sore bones.

Speaker: I get confused in that scene whether that's also meant to be him.

Speaker: Because it kind of looks like him.

Speaker: He does have the mask on at one point.

Speaker: No, because he's got his horn on, hasn't he?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: He's got a mask on that's got like a little claw motif.

Speaker: It's like a little, hold my good hands up.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, it's really cool.

Speaker: That song, to humans of a certain vintage, Dan, is actually really quite... The thing I was going to add to it is since Bowie died, they've done this thing where all his former band members have done like a show.

Speaker: They did one in London, I went to with Neil, but they've also done one online.

Speaker: And what they did, I think it was two years ago, because it was however many years since The Labyrinth came out, maybe 40 years, whatever it was,

Speaker: They had Evan, what's her name?

Speaker: Evan Wood.

Speaker: God's girl.

Speaker: She's the actress.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Rachel Evan Wood, is it?

Speaker: Or the other way around?

Speaker: Evan Rachel Wood.

Speaker: I was getting it wrong.

Speaker: Rachel Evan Wood.

Speaker: That's great.

Speaker: And she sings really, really well.

Speaker: And she just stood near Ronson, Bowie's old pianist.

Speaker: And she's got like the classic Jareth look on with like the frills and everything.

Speaker: And she sang that song with like Bowie behind her on the screen.

Speaker: And on the corner of the piano is the fucking worm.

Speaker: And the worm's just going like that.

Speaker: He's just eating and she's looking at him.

Speaker: And it was genuinely quite emotional.

Speaker: It's like your childhood and it's... But anyway, yeah.

Speaker: That's another thing to look up on YouTube if you want to, kids.

Speaker: So did this soundtrack ever get released?

Speaker: You know, like you could get the Stayin' Alive one and stuff like that.

Speaker: So I've got it.

Speaker: And in between you get the songs and in between you'll get some kind of... And it'll be like Run Through the Labyrinth is the name of that.

Speaker: It is available on like Apple Music.

Speaker: So, Megan, was this movie on heavy rotation in your house, like the Dirty Dancing soundtrack?

Speaker: Yeah, although I actually never saw Dirty Dancing until I was about 28.

Speaker: See?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Just to make this point, because Megan's here now as well, it wasn't because we probably didn't ask.

Speaker: It's just like when you said, why didn't you watch the A-Team every Sunday?

Speaker: Because our father would have us out on a beach with a battery and a torch looking at the sky where the thunder was coming down.

Speaker: We didn't watch a load of TV apart from the Crystal Maze and stuff or 999, but things that were too old,

Speaker: Just genuinely probably changed when Megan was old.

Speaker: She's six years younger than me.

Speaker: But it just weren't, see, see?

Speaker: Megan, Megan.

Speaker: Now, we've spoke a lot on this show about some of the stuff that your father's had you doing and some of the weird stories that you've got with Rob Freeprey.

Speaker: Now, one that Ryan mentioned last week was the one where he got sent to scout camp with a mullet and full fatigues.

Speaker: I don't think she was born.

Speaker: All the other kids are just wearing scruffy shell suit tops and I'm there in army gear with a mullet.

Speaker: Have you got any stories like that, Meg?

Speaker: I'm going to put you on the spot now.

Speaker: Have you got any tales that pop to mind?

Speaker: I mean, where would you like me to start?

Speaker: Just give me a proper Rob tale.

Speaker: I feel that I've been through it way more than Ryan has.

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: You've got some pretty big stories to tell if that's the case, Meg.

Speaker: I...

Speaker: Well, first of all, actually, Janet's is much a culprit because actually when he got sent, if he got sent to scout camp in army fatigues, I was at ballet and we were doing a performance of a troop of mini mice, shall we say.

Speaker: There were about 30 of us.

Speaker: Everyone else was in, it was the red and white spotty dress.

Speaker: And then you had like black opaque tights on and like arm sleeves, leggings, you know, and then the white gloves.

Speaker: Everyone else was in black opaque tights.

Speaker: I was in sheer black tights with polka dots on them.

Speaker: So I was the only one that stood out in about a line of 30.

Speaker: I mean, there's so many stories I could tell you about my father, but I think about there was a time he was coming to mine in London to... I can't remember why he was coming over.

Speaker: Well, he was coming up from Ryan's and he was meant to be with me on Friday night by about 10 o'clock.

Speaker: So me and my mate decided we got a bit of time to go to the pub.

Speaker: So we went to the pub and we had a drink.

Speaker: And then he texted me and said, and we're thinking, Christ, we don't actually want to go home.

Speaker: Then he's true to form.

Speaker: He texted me and said, well, I'll be there about midnight.

Speaker: So we thought, great, we've got another couple of hours in the pub.

Speaker: So we stayed in the pub till about midnight, came home and at a McDonald's.

Speaker: And then I passed out and my phone was on silent.

Speaker: And I woke up at four in the morning and there had been a text at two.

Speaker: He'd had a tyre blowout on his van on the side of the M25.

Speaker: And so from what I could deduce, he was there for about three hours.

Speaker: And then a text at 4.30am saying that he'd pulled up and was parked in the car park of my estate in his transit van.

Speaker: Hang on, hang on.

Speaker: Sorry, Meg.

Speaker: Sorry, Meg, to interject.

Speaker: He's already running six hours late and all you've received is two text messages.

Speaker: Yeah, basically.

Speaker: And I then call him at half four in the morning and I was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I fell asleep.

Speaker: I said, do you want me to come and let you in?

Speaker: And he said...

Speaker: no he said no i've took my boots off now i'll just stay and sleep in the cab of the van and come down and knock on in the morning and we'll go for a fry up but yeah i mean half four in the morning i mean it was gonna be a good couple of hours before we were going for a fry up but he took his boots off so he's decided to stay asleep day over day day's finished boots are off

Speaker: I mean, it doesn't give you a full idea of why we weren't allowed to watch certain things.

Speaker: But I say, generally, if you want to know why we didn't watch certain things, it's because we were being told to go in.

Speaker: I mean, I'm not fully knocking it.

Speaker: I'm sure there's a therapist session for both of us fully, easily filled out.

Speaker: But my point is that it was always like, we're going out and doing this and doing that.

Speaker: You know, we're not watching that.

Speaker: We're not watching that.

Speaker: So, yeah, so hence why we're doing this.

Speaker: But we were allowed to watch The Labyrinth.

Speaker: Although I was just telling Dan before that obviously you were pretty obsessed with Thriller because we were saying about it scaring kids, but you didn't mind Thriller.

Speaker: No, I used to carry it around with me on VHS.

Speaker: Carried it.

Speaker: And when I was about 18 months, two years old, my godmother was looking after me, was babysitting.

Speaker: And I was watching it because obviously I used to have it on 24-7.

Speaker: And her husband came home, mine and Ryan's godfather, and said, Yvonne, Yvonne, you can't be having a watch in that.

Speaker: She said, what do you want about having a watch in that?

Speaker: She brought it with her.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Came with MJ.

Speaker: Came with them howling wolf.

Speaker: Hang on.

Speaker: Hang on.

Speaker: That scared the shit out of me when I was like seven, eight years old.

Speaker: Did that not have the same effect on you then?

Speaker: I think as I got older, I remember being scared of it when I got older, when he turned into a zombie.

Speaker: But at like two years old, I was absolutely obsessed with it.

Speaker: Apparently, I used to sit an inch on the TV screen and as he changes into the werewolf, I used to raise my hands slowly in a claw fashion.

Speaker: And that's what I'm saying.

Speaker: Like with Clem, the stuff comes on.

Speaker: So we've been watching all the Disney films and you come into like, what do you call it?

Speaker: Pinocchio.

Speaker: And you think, well, that bit with the turning to bloody donkeys and with the bloody whale.

Speaker: And in my head, I've kind of got, the only one I've actually fully stopped to watching is Sid, what he does to the toys in Toy Story.

Speaker: Just because I know she likes her toys.

Speaker: Whereas I think if it's, sometimes she'll ask me, what's that data?

Speaker: Or why is that happening?

Speaker: But with the toys being so messed up, I think when she's got toys, that might be.

Speaker: She does like her toys, but she does also like to use them as projectile weapons.

Speaker: AKA yesterday when she round-housed me to the face with a sandbag that was in the swimming pool.

Speaker: So if you can use your best skills, Dan, as all you're presenting you've ever done, to get my daughter round-housing my sister in the face with sandbag fish back to the labyrinth.

Speaker: And where are we?

Speaker: We're now in...

Speaker: So speaking of rum times had, we're now dropped into some trash.

Speaker: We're now in a trash heap for some reason.

Speaker: I don't know what's happened.

Speaker: She's had a sinister peak.

Speaker: She's fell asleep.

Speaker: She's, she realized it's all a dream.

Speaker: Put some lipstick on, you know, the best opportunity that the, so now she's in the trash and then this woman starts, and again, she's not a woman.

Speaker: She's Megan's most hated.

Speaker: Oh, God.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: So there's this trash lady who's covered in trash and essentially is made of trash and then introduces her to her bedroom, a childhood bedroom.

Speaker: Is it Sarah Sally?

Speaker: What's her name?

Speaker: Sarah.

Speaker: Sarah.

Speaker: So she goes into... Jennifer, what's the tits?

Speaker: So she goes into her childhood bedroom and she's like, thank God for that, and then gets past all these things to try and make her forget about the baby.

Speaker: He thinks it w as a dream.

Speaker: She thinks it was a dream.

Speaker: She crucially gets handed her panda slippers.

Speaker: Crucially.

Speaker: I love panda slippers.

Speaker: I love the way that there's like a bit where, oh, you like them, don't you?

Speaker: Oh, yeah, that's how you like this and all, don't you?

Speaker: Hideous.

Speaker: Why do you not like her, Megan?

Speaker: I hate her face.

Speaker: I hate everything she stands for.

Speaker: And I just don't like how she lives her life.

Speaker: Here's your panda slippers.

Speaker: You know how much you like your panda slippers.

Speaker: You never wanted their fur away, did you?

Speaker: There they are.

Speaker: That's right.

Speaker: That's right.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: Now then, what else?

Speaker: There's other ones around, though.

Speaker: That's the one.

Speaker: And some of them are grim.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: They're just sat there.

Speaker: They're just having a rum old time.

Speaker: So anyway, during this dream sequence, this weird bit, she's first with Trash.

Speaker: Hoggle's having an existential crisis.

Speaker: He's like, oh God, I'm the bloody worst.

Speaker: Trash lady shows her a bedroom and she thinks it was all a dream.

Speaker: She snaps out of it.

Speaker: Right, and then they meet... She gives her the lipstick and she goes, go on, yes, make yourself up.

Speaker: I feel like this has scarred you for life, Megan, this bit.

Speaker: I absolutely despise her with every fibre of my being.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I was telling Ryan last week that I was scared of those things that used to try and eat the fraggles, those big things with the noses.

Speaker: So anyway, then they get to a city.

Speaker: There's a wall now turned up.

Speaker: I don't know how they've got there, but there's a wall turned up.

Speaker: Sarah realises it's all trash and she smashes the trash lady's shit.

Speaker: The house falls down.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And then the gates of Portland.

Speaker: Yeah, it wasn't a dream.

Speaker: She's just, she's fallen into a...

Speaker: Yeah, no, she's tripping when she's fallen.

Speaker: Then she's fallen into the trash and then she comes out of a hole in the floor because she's climbed out.

Speaker: Otherwise, she'd have been staying there forever trying on slippers.

Speaker: She's fallen into the gates of Hades with the awful men.

Speaker: So then there's... Go on.

Speaker: Do you ever own any nice slippers?

Speaker: I got some nice slippers.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: So, you know, no, I don't tend not to have slippers.

Speaker: I tend to have those sliders now, you know, that all men have.

Speaker: There's a specific type of slider that like 80% of the male population all own.

Speaker: Those navy blue Adidas sliders that everybody has.

Speaker: Rob doesn't.

Speaker: Rob's got a pair of slippers I bought him for Christmas 15 years ago that have been in the bin twice and he's retrieved them both times.

Speaker: You had to have your slippers on once you come through the door.

Speaker: Shoes off, slippers off, hat off.

Speaker: By some Victorian fucking Sherlock Holmes house.

Speaker: Hat off.

Speaker: My dad's got right long hair that we used to say it would be quite funny when he's dead.

Speaker: What a funny story.

Speaker: To put him in a glass coffin, shave his head and take him slippers off.

Speaker: Wow.

Speaker: We're at the Goblin City.

Speaker: So we're at the Goblin City, right?

Speaker: And now there's a, there's a sleepy guard, the bank, the way in, then the gate shut the inner gate shut on them.

Speaker: And at this point, it annoyed me because they're quite nimble.

Speaker: The, you know, the, the four, these gates shut quite slowly.

Speaker: They could have made it through there.

Speaker: Did it just realize what, Oh, that's shutting quick.

Speaker: Get through here.

Speaker: Indiana Jones away through, but no, they wait for it to shut.

Speaker: Turns into this great big mechanical monster, really great puppetry, looked fantastic.

Speaker: And then this is where Hoggle, for some reason, just jumps on top of it, realizes it's being operated by a goblin, kicks him out, takes a bit of an eight-foot drop, which is a long way for somebody of Hoggle's size.

Speaker: He's all right.

Speaker: And then they just push the door open, which is weird.

Speaker: They just push it through.

Speaker: And then we've got the most annoying slapstick fight scene I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker: It just really annoyed me.

Speaker: There was no peril to that whatsoever.

Speaker: To be honest.

Speaker: There's some great 80s music though.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Some good synth.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: So we've got slapstick bullshit.

Speaker: And then this is where... And randomly some chickens.

Speaker: Chickens are getting tortured all the way through this movie.

Speaker: Chickens are having a rum time in the chamber.

Speaker: And then Ludo, after a bit of slapstick fighting, does his big roar.

Speaker: And all these rocks seem to have a life of their own and just start running over everybody.

Speaker: And then this is where we get the extra of the week.

Speaker: Now, normally at this point in the show, Ryan tells me about an extra that he enjoyed.

Speaker: And I like his vibe.

Speaker: He played his part really well.

Speaker: He throws a gun out of his hand and some guy catches it and dances with the gun.

Speaker: And I'm just like, that's a good day's work.

Speaker: So what have you got for us this time?

Speaker: This one for me is the cannonball guy.

Speaker: So there's a little geezer inside the cannonball.

Speaker: He kind of just hits the wall.

Speaker: He goes, did I get him?

Speaker: And I found that really funny.

Speaker: I meant to tell you, there's another bit I forgot on the trivia here.

Speaker: So this is hilarious.

Speaker: I've only just found this one.

Speaker: A Hoggle puppet got lost in an airplane and remained undiscovered until it turned up at the unclaimed baggage center in Scottsboro.

Speaker: When a worker opened the crate, he got scared by the sight of the puppet and it's now on display in their museum.

Speaker: Can you imagine opening up and finding Hoggle?

Speaker: And I told you other people that were on about playing him, Michael Jackson,

Speaker: Prince and Mick Jagger who looked like Hoggle or does now were considered to play the Goblin King.

Speaker: Henson's preferred Sting until his kids convinced him that Bowie who'd reached his peak with Let's Dance would be best suited to it.

Speaker: Bowie wanted to make a children's movie liked the concept and found the script funnier and more amusing than other contemporary special effects movies.

Speaker: That's really cool because Bo is genuinely quite caring for this child.

Speaker: You can see that he's genuinely got something precious in his arms when the scene's where he's got the kid.

Speaker: Apart from when he starts throwing it around in about five minutes in this movie.

Speaker: Then...

Speaker: Right, hang on.

Speaker: Let me, right here, we've got slapstick joust with the musketeer rocket raccoon.

Speaker: That annoyed me.

Speaker: Trapped in house and roars, make more rocks appear, clear out the guards.

Speaker: They get to the castle and it's empty.

Speaker: But apparently she has to face the king alone.

Speaker: Here's that prior knowledge again.

Speaker: Let's go, well, I just have to face the king alone.

Speaker: I said it's all part of the book.

Speaker: But like there's four of them.

Speaker: Why does she have to follow the bloody rules?

Speaker: Because she's living the book.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: So then we walk through.

Speaker: Why are you fucking with the labyrinth?

Speaker: So then we walk through, so I've already been annoyed now by the slapstick fight scene.

Speaker: And then we go to one of the most annoying fucking sequencers.

Speaker: But I bet you're going to tell me that you like the music from this scene.

Speaker: I'll tell you now, I don't like the music from this scene.

Speaker: I think it's one of the worst songs in it.

Speaker: Oh, I really like this one.

Speaker: You've run so long, you've run so far.

Speaker: Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel.

Speaker: That's great.

Speaker: So as this song is...

Speaker: As this song is being performed, they're dicking about in the painting Relativity by MC Isha.

Speaker: Yeah, it's nice.

Speaker: I like the bit where he spins over on some nice effects.

Speaker: And the baby's dropping balls everywhere.

Speaker: Yep.

Speaker: It's just a music video, really, mate.

Speaker: Just get with it.

Speaker: yeah, I'm not watching a music video.

Speaker: I'm watching a bloody movie and I want to see how she's going to take the babby off this king.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: I'm like, come on, get the fucking end of it.

Speaker: What are you dicking about for?

Speaker: He's singing again.

Speaker: Of course he is.

Speaker: And then he puts in a costume change for a final showdown, turns up in a new outfit, still got his mega tight grey leggings on.

Speaker: It's magnificent though, that one.

Speaker: It's black, isn't it?

Speaker: It's pretty special.

Speaker: And then she... This is all I've written.

Speaker: This is my last note.

Speaker: She realises the Goblin King has no power over and everything is returned to normal.

Speaker: No, because she has to remember the bit at the start that she can never remember.

Speaker: I have made my way here to the Goblin City.

Speaker: And then she can never remember that last line because that's what she's practising in the park.

Speaker: In the garden at the beginning.

Speaker: And she suddenly has a light bulb moment and says, you have no power over me.

Speaker: Remembers a line.

Speaker: See?

Speaker: And that's the whole point of the film, Dan.

Speaker: Oh, she remembers one sentence.

Speaker: Oh, I'm really chuffed.

Speaker: Well, because that's in the thing she's learning and she's obviously obsessed with the book.

Speaker: She's going, oh God, what do I do?

Speaker: What's that character do to kill him?

Speaker: And also she's freeing herself from the shackles of his patriarchal ways because he's acting.

Speaker: It's true.

Speaker: You have no power over me.

Speaker: I'll do what the fuck I want with all my goblin friends.

Speaker: I'm not standing for your antiquated old king and queen ballocks.

Speaker: I remember being at a party in Brighton where some girl was talking to me for ages going, I don't think she really wanted Toby back.

Speaker: I think it was just about sticking one to the man.

Speaker: And I was like, do you know what?

Speaker: I can fully see it.

Speaker: I think Toby was a byproduct because she would have been in shit with her mum and dad.

Speaker: That's why Toby had to come back.

Speaker: Did you know what?

Speaker: That's all I got.

Speaker: I think there was points where she was contemplating not getting Toby back, but she was worried about the trouble she was going to get in.

Speaker: Well, yeah, when you're like 14, 15 and you're looking after a babby, as she's called it, and it's gone missing because an owl has turned into a popular 1980s show, but who's nicked it.

Speaker: Found another one here for you as well.

Speaker: You like to help the puppeteer inside him see there was a miniature video camera in Ludo's right horn that fed to a small TV monitor mounted inside the puppet's stomach.

Speaker: Useful.

Speaker: I would have liked that with pyrotechnics.

Speaker: You could see those lightsabers coming.

Speaker: And also her dog, because you remember at the start, she's got a dog called Merlin.

Speaker: That's Ambrosius.

Speaker: And in Geoffrey Monmouth's History of King of Britain's Merlin is called Merlin Ambrosius.

Speaker: There you go.

Speaker: So that's Rocket Raccoon's dog.

Speaker: Yeah, it's also her dog.

Speaker: His steed.

Speaker: His trusty steed.

Speaker: What you're missing is she's like going, you know, if you need us.

Speaker: I do need you.

Speaker: No, because that's at the end.

Speaker: So then she's gone back home and they're in the bedroom.

Speaker: Oh, his death's a bit funny though, isn't it?

Speaker: Because she goes, I'm going to power him.

Speaker: And he just does this.

Speaker: He kind of goes, oh, well, I'm really disappointed.

Speaker: Like, oh, fuck, she remembered.

Speaker: She remembered it.

Speaker: He doesn't like blow up or anything, does he?

Speaker: He just sort of just falls backwards.

Speaker: There's a lot of falling, I think, isn't there?

Speaker: Yeah, that's it.

Speaker: Literally just falls.

Speaker: Then they get back to the bedroom and then Hoggle turns up and goes, I'll see you, pal.

Speaker: And then they all turn up one by one.

Speaker: I do need you.

Speaker: And then they all have a big party in the bedroom and then it ends.

Speaker: It's finally finished.

Speaker: It's done.

Speaker: We've all had lovely time.

Speaker: Ends with an hour.

Speaker: Well, where's the owl?

Speaker: I've probably boshed it off.

Speaker: It's outside.

Speaker: It's outside watching the party.

Speaker: And then he just flies off and he goes, right, I've started this CGI owl.

Speaker: I'm off now.

Speaker: But the owl is him.

Speaker: But like, yeah, well, yeah.

Speaker: But there's a bit where... Also, hang on, hang on.

Speaker: She does come home and pack away like a panda slippers and stuff because obviously she doesn't want to invite Hellish Mary back to the camp.

Speaker: But also it's because she's, you know, she's completed her arc.

Speaker: She's grown up.

Speaker: She's realised that she doesn't need to be a child anymore.

Speaker: I mean, she is also still like, what, 15?

Speaker: It's quite terrifying.

Speaker: But are you not sat there watching this party that they're having going, you have fucked it when mum and dad get back?

Speaker: What, they're going to walk in and go, imagine seeing that when you walk into your teenage daughter's room.

Speaker: What the bloody hell's going on in here?

Speaker: What's up?

Speaker: Who's this?

Speaker: Synonymous is that.

Speaker: Really, what's only missing from the party is the worm.

Speaker: What gets me about this is there is actually on top of the wardrobe one of them fucking fireys.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And I don't want him in there.

Speaker: He's trying to pull her head off in a woods.

Speaker: Yeah, the reggae flamingos have turned up for the do at the end.

Speaker: It's like having a house party and all the older kids come on.

Speaker: Now, listen, so that was Labyrinth and I'm going to go to you two first.

Speaker: So Megan, I'll come to you first.

Speaker: Normally this is where we give it a score out of 10.

Speaker: And I know this is going to rate highly for the pair of you because I get the impression this was one of the few things that you pair could agree on as children to sit and chuck on in the VHS.

Speaker: So Megan, what do you reckon?

Speaker: What, out of 10?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I mean, I'd want to give it a 10 out of 10, but I think we have to probably mark it down a point just for the fact that we do have some complex issues around grooming and underage relations.

Speaker: So let's give it a 9 out of 10.

Speaker: 9 out of 10, Ryan.

Speaker: That's a big score.

Speaker: What about you?

Speaker: Well, just because if I give it a 10, I'm now almost complimenting and celebrating grooming.

Speaker: I'm going for a 9 and a half.

Speaker: You can lose half a point for your grooming ways, David.

Speaker: Well, there wasn't any real grooming going on.

Speaker: It just gives her a bit of a fancy look.

Speaker: You don't know how old she is.

Speaker: But she's not, you know, because you don't see her at school or what she's doing.

Speaker: But then do you know how old Baby is in Dirty Dancing?

Speaker: Does she ever say how old she is?

Speaker: I always think she does.

Speaker: Yeah, she's 17.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Right, okay.

Speaker: So you're nine and a half.

Speaker: It's almost perfection.

Speaker: It's got peril.

Speaker: It's got fear.

Speaker: It's got kicking music.

Speaker: I mean, I do, I think, a couple of songs a week, but we're not here for the music.

Speaker: That's just a bonus that we've got one of the greatest songwriters of all time straddling around with his dick out.

Speaker: But yeah, no, it's just wonderful.

Speaker: It still scares me to death as much as I like it.

Speaker: I'm going to give it a seven and a half because it's just not my type of movie.

Speaker: But I genuinely, if I'd have watched it as a kid and probably on, you guys have clearly seen this movie a lot.

Speaker: Like, for example, my top 10, you know, 10 out of 10 movies, Back to the Future.

Speaker: And I watched it religiously over and over and over again.

Speaker: And there's a bit of incestuous in that, right?

Speaker: So, you know.

Speaker: That's a 10, by the way.

Speaker: Back to the Future is a 10 for me.

Speaker: It's the perfect.

Speaker: It's the perfect family movie for me.

Speaker: I love it too, because it goes back and forth.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker: I mean, even that bit is great.

Speaker: So I just don't think it's quite that high, but I understand why you like it, especially being a Bowie fan, you know?

Speaker: Now, listen, as we come to the vinegar strokes of this show, and before I hand the show back to Ryan...

Speaker: I need to know which of you two is going to tell me the, there was a singer who was popular in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s who had a big hit in the late 90s called Believe.

Speaker: And one of you is going to tell me the story of Ryan getting told off by this artist.

Speaker: I thought I told you.

Speaker: I know I told you.

Speaker: Not on air.

Speaker: Not on air.

Speaker: Well, I have to, I'm guessing I have to tell that story.

Speaker: She got kidnapped by Cher.

Speaker: well i didn't get kidnapped i well i kind of did i we were going live and i wasn't allowed in the studio because i was underage um because obviously six years between us sorry that that was a show that featured uh philip schofield can you expand what they meant by can i just say just in case anyone does eventually start hearing this podcast sharing no way kidnapped my sister

Speaker: So I used to have to stay in the green room with mum and dad whilst everybody else went in to be in the audience.

Speaker: And I was, I think, prompted by my mother sent to go and knock on Cher's dressing room and ask for an autograph.

Speaker: So I went and did that.

Speaker: And basically there was a big bouncer on the outside who took me into the dressing room to have a picture with Cher.

Speaker: and um janet wasn't allowed even in to come and take the picture the the bouncer came in and did that um i remember being in that dressing room there was me share there was i think another woman and i know her niece was with her who was about 13 and i don't know what i told her but we had a good chat and she liked it so she kept me with her for the whole morning um kept someone's kid

Speaker: I like this, I'm keeping this one.

Speaker: I remember going with her through like the back of the studio when she had to go on set to do her interview.

Speaker: And I stood in the wings with the 13 year old niece and some other woman and security and then came back to the dressing room with her.

Speaker: But of all the things I told her, one of the things that I clearly had told her was that Ryan had been in a sketch earlier on and had been given a whistle.

Speaker: And I really wanted the whistle because I wanted to have a go on the whistle.

Speaker: So, and Ryan wouldn't let me have a go on the whistle.

Speaker: So when Cher returned me to my family, at the end of the show, she said, which one of you is Ryan?

Speaker: And Ryan thought that this was his real moment to shine because he was going to get the call up to hang out with Cher too.

Speaker: And alas, that was not to be.

Speaker: He was told, Megan really wants to go on your whistle.

Speaker: So please, can you give it to her?

Speaker: I mean, what kind of prick moans about a whistle?

Speaker: To someone who they thought was Morticia Adams.

Speaker: Well, I did.

Speaker: I did ask Janet on the way home, is that the lady from the Adams family?

Speaker: She was.

Speaker: So she thinks she's asked Morticia Adams if she can have a go on my whistle from Trevor Simon.

Speaker: Get a grip.

Speaker: So yeah, absolutely.

Speaker: Absolutely outstanding.

Speaker: So you got told off by Sharon.

Speaker: You got kidnapped by her.

Speaker: I thought she was Morticia.

Speaker: She said, I got told off by Sharon for not sharing.

Speaker: Wonderful.

Speaker: Lovely.

Speaker: And the irony of us doing labyrinth and talking about a grownup stealing a child.

Speaker: Absolutely not wasted on me.

Speaker: Ryan, listen, thank you so much for letting us switch roles.

Speaker: I'm going to pass the show back to you now.

Speaker: Thanks a lot, man.

Speaker: Oh, thank you.

Speaker: Yeah, and I've got to do all the bit here where I say, if you've enjoyed what we do, please check us out on at YNWTPod or email us at YNWTPod at gmail.com.

Speaker: If you have, what's your question for this week?

Speaker: Has your sister ever been taken into a green room by a celebrity and then told you off for not letting them look at a flute?

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: Whatever you want, let us know.

Speaker: As always, Cher, Mike, all that kind of stuff.

Speaker: We will be coming to the Tick to the Toc soon because Elliot's going to get involved with that and try and I can't wait to see when we do the labyrinth, Dan, and you can pretend to be someone from it.

Speaker: And Megan, final one I'll leave you with.

Speaker: One for Dan.

Speaker: The little creatures that appear from beneath the tiles and labyrinth are called the Tile Keepers.

Speaker: And finally, according to the Goblin Companion, the book that gives you a description of every goblin in the labyrinth, the junk lady who carries everything on her back has her name.

Speaker: I don't want to know it.

Speaker: Agnass.

Speaker: Oh, even worse.

Speaker: Agnass.

Speaker: What I have to ask, though, is if we thought this was bad, has he watched Dark Crystal?

Speaker: No, he hasn't watched Dark Crystal.

Speaker: And part of me thinks that has to come soon.

Speaker: So there's no fun there, Dan.

Speaker: You know, because you'll realise that the songs are actually your solace ports.

Speaker: In the Dark Crystal, there are creatures who get their soul sucked from their face.

Speaker: Whilst being attacked by beetles that are about 17 foot tall.

Speaker: What?

Speaker: and for Skeksis who get stripped naked off in a sword fight.

Speaker: Sounds meant.

Speaker: Yeah, let's do that.

Speaker: Let's have a load of drinks and watch The Dark Crystal and do a live one.

Speaker: Anyway, on that bombshell, we will see you next week.

Speaker: I don't know what we're going to do, so I'm not going to say it on here.

Speaker: We'll make some up.

Speaker: But thank you for joining us, Meg.

Speaker: And Dan, I'll go back to watching some films from the 80s I couldn't watch because I was on a beach with a battery strap to the front.

Speaker: Bye, everyone.