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TromBonus - 68 - Skaliday Skanktacular 2024
136 Plays21 days ago
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE SKABADOOK!
In this year's Skaliday episode, the Skabadook finds himself in the woods trying to get one up on JigSka... only he gets more than he bargains for! There's past foes! Movie parodies! Songs? Oh yeah... it's a musical! Spend the holidays with Checkered Past and some scripted insanity as they fully ruin your childhood!
Chris Reeves is The Skabadook
Engineer Joey is L. Pf
Checkered Rob is Jigska
Checkered Celine is Skaba Yaga
Keelan is Freddy Gruber
Mega Michi is Elskaba
Common Sense Kid is Skanta Claus
Written, Produced and Edited by Checkered Rob
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to The Nightmare Before Scabadook
00:00:00
Speaker
It's time once again for the skankiest, scholarly, skanktacular special in the whole of Podiverse. Checkered Pass proudly presents, The Nightmare Before Scabadook.
Mischief in the Woods
00:00:37
Speaker
Fuckin' Jigsaw got my way against a stupid fuckin' guy. Everyone loves that guy with the Scabadookus. For the people, everybody knows that. How fuckin' hard can it be? You got a cave in the woods and acting like an ass-hat all the time? I can do that. I can do that nine times! Ha ha! Timeless reference, Scabadook. Well, okay. I'm walking through this forest here in my favorite Rust Belt state. Oh, this part is getting really weird. Even a little weird for the Scabadook. And what's this sign out front here say?
00:01:09
Speaker
Here is a bunch of doors that go to different places. Close the door behind you. What were you, raising in a barn? Well, I think I'll just go through the first door. Oh, snap! The Rainforest Cafe in Vegas? A shortcut? I just had some mojo bones and safari fries, but I'll be sure to log this in my mom's house for later. You know that's right. Okay, but I wonder what's in this second door.
Exploring the Rust Belt Forest
00:01:33
Speaker
Tell me your history with ska music, your checkered past, if you will. Uh, yeah, well, it all started with Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. I was like trying to do a 360 flip to mute when Goldfinger Superman- Seriously, it's like the same shit every time with these guys. Oh, nice, a third door. Must be better than the last one. Wonder where this goes.
A Chaotic Christmas World
00:02:35
Speaker
The fuck. The fuck. There's color everywhere. The fuck. There's white shit in the air. The fuck. I can't believe the shit I must be meaning, Scott, but you think this isn't fair. The fuck.
00:02:47
Speaker
the fuck the fuck there's something very wrong the fuck even i'm singing a song the fuck the streets are lined with ugly dudes are laughing every once you fucking happy jesus that one looks like chappy the fuck the fuck
00:03:03
Speaker
There's children throwing snowballs, now I'm gonna bust their heads. They're busy building toys and soon they will all be dead. There's frost on every window, oh I can't see shit inside. I wish I could stab these weirdos in their hearts and in their eyes. The fuck? Oh yeah, it's Christmas. I've seen Christmas before. Well, I should be going back. This shit is creeping me out. I'm just gonna head back through that same door and... Oh no, is that blood coming from where I miraculously slammed it open? Ah shit, I think there was a grown man up. She was poking off from underneath. Ruh-roh. Scott Badook really did it this time. Oh no! You... You killed him! I did? Oh yeah, I did. That's totally a thing I've done before. It's like my thing, little elf dude. Totally normal. But that was... Cool Christmas!
00:03:52
Speaker
Don't you mean cool Kris Kringle? Listen, who asked you for a punch-up? My name's Elph. What's yours? Scott Badook. Dr. Scott Badook. Esquire. Yep. Well, I guess it's official. You're gonna have to deliver all the toys. ah What was that? You don't know about the Santa slash Highlander clause? There can be only one! If you slay Santa Claus, you must become Santa Claus. No, i'm I don't want to be Santa. I don't want to do that. i' I don't... No, I'm not doing that. I don't want to do that.
00:04:25
Speaker
Even if it's for Jesus's birthday? How many damn times do I have to explain that I don't give a fuck about no birthday? Well, it's not like you have a choice. All the other Santa wannabes are converging on this place as we speak.
Scabadook's Chaotic Gift Delivery
00:04:38
Speaker
And they've just been waiting for a sign of weakness. Weak? I'll show them who's weak. I'm gonna deliver those presents so hard. The job's pretty straightforward. Although the work-life balance sucks and you won't be able to see your family ever again.
00:04:49
Speaker
but just
00:04:55
Speaker
oh Oh, you must be kidding me. What's so funny? ah Oh, family. Anyway, let's grab this flying stay and hit the sky. And by the way, I'm gonna crank the base on this bad boy.
00:05:16
Speaker
Ratto, ratto, ratto, you will hear my wolfers rattle. Skybadoo came to battle, with 311 in the
00:05:33
Speaker
It's the heaviest shit I know, ho ho ho. You best believe that on scalloween as a passion, ash on by. S.A. Raps and hex on booms, gettin' super high. And more ways than one, get it? Wink. Whoa, Santa, you know how to handle your reindeer. Don't be gross, elf. Anyway, time to deliver the first present. Santa, what are you doing?
00:05:56
Speaker
Ah, Kobe Deez Airpods in the Chimney, what does it look like I'm doing? Stop distracting me, shut up! From downtown, we goin' sizzler! Whiteman can't jump, you I know you love that movie, Elf. No, I mean, you can't do that at all! You have to go in, that's... Wanna go for a ride, bitch? Oh Who's this snappily stressed guy?
Cultural Parody in Checkered Pass
00:06:15
Speaker
I do like the cardigan. And the Santa hat. Hey, he's gotta try and say it too. Now that's convenient.
00:06:21
Speaker
and's Freddy Gruber. Yippee-ki-yay, bitch. Hey, watch it. This guy's trying to slice me the hell up. Evasive maneuver.
00:06:33
Speaker
Whoa, the fuck. That was a close one. Oh, no, look over there. Hockey mask and a Santa hat? That's what I'm talking about. That is style. It's Jason Forties. Ounces, that is. Watch out. He's coming right for us. Nah, I know fools like this. Check this shit out.
00:06:51
Speaker
Oh, you ducked in between them and they collided with each other! Yeah, now watch the magic happen. Hey! Watch where you're going, bitch. I'm trying to get some dark meat over a year. Whoever wins, we all lose. No way, that's Alien vs. Predator. Different parody. While you weren't kidding though, they immediately are fighting with each other. Yeah, trust me, I know a thing or two about Scott's cereal peel of beef.
00:07:12
Speaker
Don't look now! Something wicked this way comes! Oh hey, there's two of them on like a sleigh broomstick kind of thing. I know one of them. That's my good friend and dope fresh young cool person, Scabayaga. But who's she with? Oh no! That's Elscaba! Hell yeah, glad this podcast is topical. Perfect. Oh, hey Scabadook! I'm Elscaba, Wicked Witch of the East Bay.
00:07:37
Speaker
Why are you staring like right next to the camera? You must never turn your back to the audience. So, are you going to, uh, attack me too? No way! It's Yule! I mean, we ARE pagan! Your gross colonial holiday is offensive to us, so we're going to protest the big tree in New York! Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know. Oh, okay, that's cool. Don't let me stop you. Yeah! Let the green girl go! I'll catch up with you, Elscaba!
00:08:08
Speaker
If I'm flying solo, at least
A Musical Mockery
00:08:11
Speaker
I'm flying free. I don't know why she keeps talking that way. It's confusing. Bye. Now that they're gone, I think we're safe. Wait, do you hear that? Sounds like music that kind of sucks. Oh, no, I used to. Oh, fuck, it can't be.
00:08:42
Speaker
You're as friendly as Oasis You're as charming as Morrissey, Scabadoonk You're a Thor movie without Tycho YTT
00:09:12
Speaker
brain is swollen solid. Your breath is total stank, Scarbaduke. I wouldn't stab you with a 69 and a half foot
00:09:32
Speaker
You've never killed a soul. You have all the killer instinct of an American girl doll, Scabadook. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd kill Scabadook, of course I would.
00:09:51
Speaker
This is bullshit. Who let Jigsaw get a song in my freaking special? show I gotta to talk to my lawyer about this. This is libel, if not full-on slander. Sup, scuba-duke? Like my little tricycle sleigh? Hell no, it sucks. A nice Santa hat, by the way, Jigsaw. You look like divorce. Where's Waldo? I hear you're the new Santa. I wouldn't try and kill you like the others. Instead, I'd like to play a lethal game. Do I have to? I don't like your games. Your games are stupid.
00:10:18
Speaker
Santa slash highlander claws. Damn it, are you serious? I got a little riddle for ya, like the Sphinx. Voiceless it cries, toothless it bites, mouthless it mutters. What am I? Oh, I know this one. It's from the Hobbit. It's the wind.
00:10:33
Speaker
Hahaha, you fool. It's Arseface from the 1995 graphic novel Preacher. You know, he shot himself in the face to be like Kurt Cobain so his mouth was all messed up. Jeez, everyone knows that book. Who ever heard of The Hibbot or whatever it is you just said? Oh no! That must mean you have to give up your post as Santa!
Truce with Santa
00:10:53
Speaker
Dammit, I am so tired of losing your stupid games. I just want to win one time. Why can't I ever beat your stupid games? Ho! Ho! Ho! Mind if I cut in? Oh. My. God. It's Santa Claus! That's a terrible Scott point. Come on. I think you better take a hike, Jigsaw. Unless you want to see how it feels to be voiceless, toothless, and mouthless. Ho! Ho! Ho! I'm gonna make like a banana and blow this popsicle stand.
00:11:24
Speaker
Man, I hate to see him leave, and I hate to see him go. That guy sucks. But Santa? Skanta? Uh, Skanta? How come you aren't dead? Are you serious? Uh, yeah, I killed you with a door. Ho! Ho! Ho! First of all, you can't kill me without a McLeod sword! Santa slash Highlander claws! S-Santa's sla-exactly. Fucking Canadians do my head in. Second, I'm not so weak that I get killed by a door. You didn't even bother to check!
00:11:53
Speaker
No, yeah, I saw blood. Ew, it was gross. I mean, no, it was cool. I love seeing blood because I'm so used to killing people. Anyway, I saw blood. You know, everyone knows it. I didn't say it didn't hurt. That door is metal and has sharp edges. Third, you never killed anyone in your whole life. I killed Scazuzu, verified. Sure you did, dude.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah, so, uh, what now? Uh, we cool? Yeah, we cool. Now take a hike. Yeet! Ow, Santa Claus kicked me! What the fuck? Scunt up! Hey, screw you, Santa Claus!
The Best Christmas Ever
00:12:31
Speaker
Ah! Oh! Oh my god, what a crazy dream while I'm back in bed in my posh penthouse in Cleveland, Ohio. Summer home, baby. But what's this? A Christmas card? Let's read this here. Dear Scarbadook, AKA Phil and Santa, you did an okay job, C plus at best. And so here is your compensation. Now stay out of my way. Hugs and kisses, scanta claws.
00:12:59
Speaker
Oh shit, a $25 gift card to Rainforest Cafe and Disney? This gift card is only good for Disney? Unbelievable, everyone knows it's the best one, it's the perfect gift for me. And it still has $10.30 to be left on it!
00:13:11
Speaker
Best Christmas ever. Not even close, best Christmas ever. Happy Sky Days to all, and a huge fuck you to Jigsaw.
Conclusion and Credits
00:13:18
Speaker
Thanks for listening to Checkered Past. Hit us up on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, and Blue Sky at checkeredpastpod, or send us an email at checkeredpastpod.gmail dot.com. To support the pod and get bonus content, including a full length and unedited video of this episode, sign up for the Checkered Head Patreon at patreon dot.com slash checkeredpast.
00:13:34
Speaker
<unk>s no video for this one We also have merch available at checkeredpass.ca. Checkered Pass was engineered and edited by a cut man, and I'd love to give a huge thank you to our wonderful cast of characters. SPI Chris Reeves was Ska-ba-duke. Engineer Joey was elp the elf. Salin is Ska-ba-yaga. Mega Michi was el ska-ba. Checkered Rob it was jig ska.
00:14:00
Speaker
Keelan, who does our trombonist theme song, was Freddy Gruber as well as the podcast guest, and Common Sense Kid Craig was Skanta Claus. And until next time, I'm Checkered Rob, and in mortal words of the Scobba Duke, the fuck?