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You can’t 'fix' your loved ones
3 Plays1 month ago
You may be caring for someone who is exhibiting suicidal behaviours. Your natural (and normal) instinct is to want to fix them.
This is wrong. You cannot fix the issues your loved one is going through.
Your 'job' is to listen, to love them and try to get them to seek help.
If you take on the burden of being responsible for their behaviors and decisions, The sad fact is that you are going to fail.
Taking on another person's burden is dangerous for your own mental health and will only lead to heart break.
We discuss this further on today's episode.
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Transcript
Challenges of Caring for Mental Health
00:00:08
Mark Brosnan
you might be caring for somebody that you love that is going through hell.
00:00:17
Mark Brosnan
You might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might.
00:00:33
Mark Brosnan
You might be caring for somebody at the moment that is going through hell, that is going through maybe mental health issues, maybe trauma, maybe illness.
Living with Suicidal Behavior
00:00:47
Mark Brosnan
But I want to speak to the people that are living with somebody who is exhibiting suicidal behavior in that, that are either talking about suicide, they're consumed with it, they made a plan, maybe they've even attempted I want to speak to the people today that are caring for that person.
00:01:10
Mark Brosnan
And I want to speak to you directly and I want to speak to you openly and honestly about what my experience has been and where the wealth of my learning has led to me with this idea of can we fix somebody that we love?
00:01:27
Mark Brosnan
Well, the answer quite simply is no, we can't. Now that's going to sound brutal and harsh, but I hope you stick around because I want to explore this a bit today.
00:01:39
Mark Brosnan
I
00:01:42
Mark Brosnan
ah hate saying it. Like, share, subscribe, please. ah We'd love to get the message out there to more people. um But let's just dive in and see what happens.
00:01:58
Mark Brosnan
It's curious to me about that... It's curious to me that in the space of a very short amount of time, I can have a number of conversations around a particular subject.
00:02:12
Mark Brosnan
And they might be people that are not in any way connected. And that's what's happened in this last week.
Understanding Suicidal Behavior
00:02:19
Mark Brosnan
I've had maybe five or six discussions from different people in different places at different times i around the fact that they are caring for somebody that is exhibiting suicidal behavior.
00:02:37
Mark Brosnan
Now let's talk about what that is. That's somebody that's either thinking about, talking about, planning, um maybe even attempting a suicide. That's what suicidal behavior is. It's not necessarily the act of trying to end your own life.
00:02:55
Mark Brosnan
It's a whole complex amount of behaviors. And i want to draw out a little bit this idea that we can fix the people around us. Now, first off, we can't.
Emotional Connections and Helping
00:03:13
Mark Brosnan
Even ah psychologist, a trained psychologist, psychiatrist cannot treat effectively somebody that is, they are emotionally connected to because they do not have that disconnectedness that you need to have to look at a situation without emotion.
00:03:34
Mark Brosnan
So for example, when my brother calls me and says, Mark, I don't think I can go on. I am immediately caught up in the emotional trauma of that moment.
00:03:47
Mark Brosnan
My brother might end his life. like What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? What can I do? Well, for a number of reasons, I can't really do anything. All I can do is tell him that I love him, tell him that I hope he sticks around and that it would break my heart if he was to leave.
00:04:07
Mark Brosnan
and And of course I thank him for having the courage to tell me that always comes first. Somebody comes to you with the worst imaginable scenario. Hey, my blah, blah is doing this and I don't know what to do.
00:04:20
Mark Brosnan
Your first immediate response should be to thank that person, congratulate that person and acknowledge their courage. That's the first thing you should do. But what do you do if you are caring for someone?
00:04:37
Mark Brosnan
And maybe they've said some terrible things. Maybe they've said some harrowing things, things that, you know, scar your soul. and I know don't mean that flippantly.
00:04:51
Mark Brosnan
um The first time my daughter said something that, that you know, it was like a ah sword slash to my heart. I didn't believe that somebody could do that.
00:05:06
Mark Brosnan
So I heard ah story of a person that stood in front of his family and and basically said,
00:05:17
Mark Brosnan
right, I'm just going to kill myself. Is that what you want? And of course, these people were like, no, no, that's not what we want. But where did they go from there?
00:05:29
Mark Brosnan
Where did they go in that situation?
Impact on Caregivers of Suicidal Loved Ones
00:05:31
Mark Brosnan
And, and it's, again, I come back to this curious thing about how I've been told three or four, four or five of these stories in the last, you know, week and a half.
00:05:43
Mark Brosnan
It's strange. So, What am I trying to say today? You've got somebody in your world that you love, that you love desperately, but they are caught in this suicidal behavior.
00:06:00
Mark Brosnan
They can't see a way out. And naive they aren't asking you for help, but the fact that you know that this struggle is going on is consuming you.
00:06:13
Mark Brosnan
And it does. the you know Somebody in a life or death scenario, we can't avoid watching it. That's why they do it on the news all the time. Oh, this happened and this happened and this happened and it's all bad.
00:06:26
Mark Brosnan
Why? Because we immediately go, hang on, somebody's in a life-threatening situation. i am drawn to that, no not as a spectator, but just as a human, as a living human being, you're like, oh, what's going on?
00:06:39
Mark Brosnan
So when somebody in your orbit has threatened or is talking about suicide, you want to do something. You automatically, you it's a human thing, I guess, that somebody in trouble, and you can make a difference, you'll make that difference.
00:06:59
Mark Brosnan
99 times out of 100, that you see somebody that's struggling, you know you can help, you'll help. not because of who you, well you know, for any other reason than the fact that you just, you're there.
00:07:12
Mark Brosnan
You're the guy. But let's talk about this thing about fixing somebody that you love. The first thing to admit to yourself is that you can't fix them.
00:07:23
Mark Brosnan
You can't. The second thing is to realize that you are not responsible for their behavior.
00:07:31
Mark Brosnan
for It's a big call, especially when you're talking about, ah you know, a sibling or a child. You are not responsible for the headspace that they're in. you You might have incidentally contributed somehow, but you are ultimately not responsible for that behavior.
00:07:54
Mark Brosnan
And that is the first thing that the first trap in trying to help somebody is you feel responsible and you feel like you have ownership over that person's trauma, their behavior, and the consequences of what they may or may not do.
00:08:10
Mark Brosnan
the fact of the matter is, I can tell you, as a person that has attempted suicide, it had nothing to do with anybody else in the whole world, apart from the fact that I felt like I was letting everybody down, which was a lot.
Personal Stories and Realizations
00:08:27
Mark Brosnan
I was so consumed with my own
00:08:34
Mark Brosnan
sense of self-hate,
00:08:39
Mark Brosnan
of the darkness, the desperation of depression, the constant anxiety, the hyper-awareness. I was just over it. I didn't realize. I didn't actually want to die. This this came to me later.
00:08:56
Mark Brosnan
All I wanted was the pain to stop.
00:09:02
Mark Brosnan
You're going to get caught in the trap of feeling like you need to fix this situation, that I love them, I've cared for them, they're somebody that I've looked after, I know them better than they know themselves, I can fix this.
00:09:17
Mark Brosnan
The fact is you can't. You want to, but you can't.
00:09:23
Mark Brosnan
And that is the first step in being able to help them, is is stepping back and going, I am not the person to help this person.
00:09:32
Mark Brosnan
Now, all that being said, you still have a role to play. It's not hands-off, woo-hoo, I don't have to do anything. You can love them, you can support them, you can try and give them advice, you can let them know what their death would mean to you, how much it would hurt you.
00:09:58
Mark Brosnan
There is an an expression I use. we We do mental health training with year nines all across our city. Hundreds, thousands of students have been through this training.
00:10:11
Mark Brosnan
And one of the key messages that I like to leave the kids with is that friends can't fix friends. Because you know how teenagers are. They get wrapped up in each other's lives and They kind of feel responsible for their friends. And what we try and teach them is that your friend might be going through some stuff.
00:10:33
Mark Brosnan
And yes, it's bad. What is your role? Your role first and foremost is to listen. But I use this adage over and over again in all the classes I go to. Friends cannot fix friends.
00:10:48
Mark Brosnan
You can't fix their problems. You aren't doctor. Even if you were, you're too close. We've already discussed that. Friends can't fix friends.
00:11:00
Mark Brosnan
There's another adage that I like to leave the kids with because they always go, boop but, but, but. but but And that is somebody comes to you and they, you know, I'm i'm going to end my life, but don't tell anyone.
00:11:15
Mark Brosnan
And we say, well, okay, well, that's, that's not tenable. um I've been at a funeral with a guy that, a tough, strong guy, and he was sitting there weeping.
00:11:32
Mark Brosnan
inconsolably. I went over to him and said, mate, what's going on? You know we're all sad, but you seem inordinately sad. You seem sad to another whole level. And he said, mate, he called me the day before he committed suicide and he said he was struggling and I didn't do anything.
00:11:52
Mark Brosnan
That's the guilt that you live with if you believe that you could fix someone. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And as much as I could, this guy, a hope he's learned through time that it's not his fault.
00:12:09
Mark Brosnan
So the bottom line. a
00:12:22
Mark Brosnan
The bottom line is as much as you love this person, you're not going to be able to be the person that fixes them. Be their coach, be their cheerleader, try to get them help.
00:12:37
Mark Brosnan
There's another little adage, and I don't think I finished the thought. It was that if a friend tells you not to tell anyone and you tell someone, Like, for instance, my brother disappeared.
00:12:52
Mark Brosnan
We couldn't find him. We called the cops. Knowing that he was going to be upset about that. He was going be dark at me a about that. I know because he'd said, don't ever call the cops on me. I don't want to be one of those pathetic.
00:13:06
Mark Brosnan
He was mad at me. But I could live with that.
00:13:13
Mark Brosnan
I'd rather have them be mad at me than lose them.
00:13:21
Mark Brosnan
I don't want to get help. Well, you need to get help. Oh, I'm not going to get help. Well, I'm going to call an ambulance. Don't do that. I don't want an ambulance. I don't care. You are going to hurt yourself and I cannot live with that.
00:13:38
Mark Brosnan
I am going to do everything I can in my life to keep you here. And if that makes you upset at me, i would I'm willing to live with that. I will not live with the guilt of not having done everything that was in my power to save your life.
00:13:59
Mark Brosnan
Let's pivot just a little bit. And I want to say this to the people that are living with somebody that's really concerned about losing their loved one.
Survivors' Regrets and Realizations
00:14:09
Mark Brosnan
this experience happened to me.
00:14:12
Mark Brosnan
There was a guy that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in um San Francisco. And he said, as soon as his hand left the railing, he realized that he did not want to die.
00:14:28
Mark Brosnan
He knew it in his soul. This was not what he wanted. And he lived. Of the thousands of people that have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge to end their lives, 19 people have survived.
00:14:41
Mark Brosnan
ah One woman did it twice, and she didn't succeed the second time.
00:14:48
Mark Brosnan
he interviewed as many of these people as he could find. And he told them of his experience. And he said, what was your experience? And every single one of those people that he got to speak to said that as soon as they, with as soon as it was too late to go back, they realized that it was not what they wanted.
00:15:12
Mark Brosnan
For me, during my suicide attempt, yes, I was in a bit of a psychotic state. But as soon as I came out of that psychotic state, I realized that I didn't actually want to die.
00:15:25
Mark Brosnan
When I was lying in the ambulance, thinking that these were my last moments, I was like, this is not what I want.
00:15:35
Mark Brosnan
You might be living with somebody that has told you that all they want is for the pain to end. and They just want to die. They just can't live with it anymore.
00:15:53
Mark Brosnan
I would rather
00:15:58
Mark Brosnan
not let them get to that point where they're at the point where this is too late. Because as we talked about, the 3,000 people that have died, what if every single one of those people, as soon as they let go of the thing, realized that that's not what they wanted?
00:16:17
Mark Brosnan
I've spoken to a lot of people that have attempted suicide, and I've had not one person contradict me when I've told this story. I'm sure that there is an exception to the rule. There has to be.
00:16:30
Mark Brosnan
Nothing's ever 100%.
00:16:35
Mark Brosnan
You might be concerned about how they're living, how hard things are for them, how desperate things are for them.
00:16:45
Mark Brosnan
But you don't know, you can't know if death is what they truly want. And I, again, like I said, in my experience, I've not had one person say that, oh, you know, I wish it had worked.
00:17:07
Mark Brosnan
Not one.
00:17:10
Mark Brosnan
You might be living with somebody that says that all they want is for the pain to end.
00:17:19
Mark Brosnan
Unfortunately, their mind is lying to them and they're saying that death is the solution to that problem.
Desire to End Pain, Not Life
00:17:27
Mark Brosnan
In most cases, I don't think it is. All they want is for the pain to stop.
00:17:35
Mark Brosnan
And by betraying their confidence, upsetting them, making them mad, maybe that's what it would take to save their life.
00:17:48
Mark Brosnan
And I don't know about you, but I could live with my brother never speaking to me again for the rest of my life, as long as he was alive and living ah good life, any sort of life.
00:18:10
Mark Brosnan
this has gotten a lot heavier than I thought. Um,
00:18:16
Mark Brosnan
I'm going to leave it there. That's going to do it for this week. Um, I want to thank you for listening. Like, share and subscribe, please. Um, that helps us out. I don't get paid to do this. I don't want to get paid to do this, but I want as many people to hear these messages as I possibly can.
00:18:33
Mark Brosnan
Uh, it's all about that one person. Maybe I can speak to one person and maybe their life might be just a little bit different, better, because they've heard a message of hope.
00:18:50
Mark Brosnan
As somebody that has attempted suicide, I'll just leave it with the fact, with ah with this last fact.
00:19:02
Mark Brosnan
I have a friend that ended his life and he was a guy that was much kinder than me. His name was Daniel. I know for a fact that if he, wherever he is now, passed away, obviously, wherever he is now, if he knew the pain that was left behind, it would break his heart.
00:19:24
Mark Brosnan
I know that for a fact.
00:19:28
Mark Brosnan
hope something in this has helped.
Offering Support and Reaching Out
00:19:31
Mark Brosnan
um As always, you can reach out if you want. Again, I'm not a clinician. I'm not a psychologist. I'm just a guy that's been through a lot of stuff.
00:19:41
Mark Brosnan
And if you just need to vent, if you just need to get something out, just do it. Just send me a message. I'm more than happy to try to give you a response.
00:19:52
Mark Brosnan
um But sometimes it's just that reaching out that can be of help. So, hey, have a great week. I'll speak to you again next week. Bye for now.