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Angela Skurtu of St. Louis Marriage Therapy
26 Plays1 month ago
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. She is also a speaker and author of two books, "Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity," and "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." Both available on Amazon. She is also currently writing a book about Desire called, "Helping Couples Reclaim Passionate Sex." She is a mother, a wife, a friend, a line dancer, and a roller skater. Finally, she is commonly known as the therapist without tact. She tells it like it is and most people appreciate the honesty.
Get in contact with Angela Skurtu at St. Louis Marriage Therapy
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Transcript
Introduction & New Beginnings
00:00:00
amycryan
Oh, hi. There are sisters here. Welcome. I'm Katherine Barton, Amy Camp Ryan, and our guest, Angela Skirtu. Hi. Good morning. Good morning. Yay. So it's been a minute since we recorded a podcast. it's It feels like it's been a minute. It has been a little bit of a minute. But they're out there. They're out there. Yes. So yeah, I guess to touch base, it's about fall. Kids are in school. Things are happening.
00:00:31
amycryan
um you got a new dog i got a new dog who is in her house currently because she's not ready for podcasting i'm sorry to make her debut oh um a debut she would take all the attention yes and we want to give the attention yeah i want to compete with your dog it's a very cute dog
00:00:55
amycryan
lose i
00:00:59
amycryan
i own it the Um, anything new? Where do you want to stay? Well, well, well, so we're actually thinking about getting your dog. So we've been researching dogs a lot. So dogs are kind of on the brain, but so that's been fun. Just scrolling through all of the very cute pictures and figuring out who would be a good fit for our family. Yes. For your family. Yeah. And you know, for our family, because we have to have a dog that will be friends with your dog. Yes.
00:01:28
amycryan
so i anxiety Our families are growing. Yeah. Four legs at a time. Or three. Well, I'm open to three legs. Yeah, sure.
Meet Angela Skirtu
00:01:43
amycryan
So, Angela! Thank you.
00:01:49
amycryan
ah you So you are St. Louis st louis marriage therapy, yeah right? and you do all of the things. You do so many things. You've written books, you used to do a podcast, you have a YouTube channel, you do speaking. yeah So just reading your book and counseling. Yeah, of course. Oh yeah, I still see people. You can come see me, it's fine. Certified sex therapist. All very cool things. We are so excited to learn so much more about you. yeah So yeah, ah where do you want to start?
00:02:22
amycryan
don't know there's so So, you've been working with couples, right? For what? you're right I've been working with couples for 15 I've been in business for 13 so that's why those two numbers like so you know you get your hours before you get licensed but as soon as I got license I was like get in business quick artist yeah so can I ask where were you getting your license like those two years where here here in Missouri yeah licensed in Missouri it's easier to get your license in the state that you're goingnna work in than to do it in another state and then transfer i mean you can still do it but it's just way
00:03:05
amycryan
or challenging. Well, hopefully next year, 2025, I was reading that there's, what is that thing called? Reciprocity. Reciprocity. Oh, really? With a lot of states. Yeah. They need to. It's silly. We should have a base level of like the license. You need to meet these requirements so you could move around. It seems so silly. Yes. No, I agree. Do doctors do like medical doctors have that? I have no idea. I know nothing about medical. I know. I mean, I know a little bit, but I have enough to answer that question.
00:03:35
amycryan
Okay, so you were here, but you got, did you get your degree in Oregon or
Angela's Educational Journey
00:03:40
amycryan
Hawaii? Yes, both. cool so i got a a bachelor's in hawaii and i just want you all to know it's the best way to study you go to the beach awesome you read you've taken some information you go swim because you gotta like soak it in like really soak it in the water right if you're permeating the info then you go back out take a break study some more i studied like that for hours that was it was it was amazing so that's where i got my bachelor's and then i went to oregon for my masters and By the way, that life shift so in Hawaii is like rainbows and sunshine literally every day to rain all the time for nine months. And that was when I picked up my very heavy coffee habit. Because I was like, I can't live like this. I can't even wake up. Why are we here? How do I get through the time? It was a big challenge. How did you pick Oregon from Hawaii? I mean, that is, you're right, a big shift.
00:04:36
amycryan
Well, I wanted to go to an accredited institution for marriage and family therapy, and University of Oregon has the most amazing program for marriage and family therapy. Is that where Gottman is? No, where's Gottman? I do not know. He's in that Pacific Northwest area. But in Washington? Yeah, I don't know. They may be in Washington, but just that school was setting, they basically are setting kind of the standards for the rest of the schools in the country. and so i just i was like i love this place I want to be here. And I really, I'm so grateful for the knowledge I learned at University of Oregon. Like it even taught me how to be like, I still consider myself a research based
Evolving Therapy Practices
00:05:15
amycryan
sex therapist. Like I call myself a creative research based therapist because they taught you how to like stay on top of research and keep learning and keep like taking in, soaking in knowledge so that you're adjusting and honing your practice across life. So I'm constantly evolving as a result of that training program. That's amazing. Yeah. And I think you mentioned too,
00:05:35
amycryan
Right, and I was reading your bio, or i was it was being read to me. Just don't read yourself. You have people for that. I have little sisters. you do take that information, right, and you teach it to your clients and hone it and get creative yeahp on how to, for them to use it.
00:05:58
amycryan
Yeah, that's a really big part of my practice. I really consider myself a little bit more of a researcher than a therapist. I still am a therapist. but like And I don't just research psychology or social sciences. I research everything. So I'm a little bit ADHD. So I'll just throw that right in there.
00:06:16
amycryan
but like i research like educational things and research about leadership i research about science, like I was talking earlier about the dog the doug documentary. yeah I'm like, oh, survival is a friendliest. These are things that we can learn from. And so i just I love to learn. But so what I do is I try to extract from things what could be relevant for clients, what could actually help them shift or change the way they're doing things. And then I teach them how to personalize it too. Because even when you have skills, your skills aren't going to work if you don't have the client kind of figuring out like, OK, how do I adjust this to work for me. Yes. There's like a fun shaping process I'm doing all the time. Yes. Yes. So teaching, but giving them that, um, I don't know the ownership of it of how does it fit into my life? Yes. Cause I have a high value for personal autonomy and responsibility, taking ownership for your treatment and your growth. very And yeah, I, it validates to hear you say that cause on some level,
00:07:19
amycryan
Um, I will research things, not just not random, like it's not a random thought like, Oh, I'm going to research this. And usually my clients inspire me to learn more about whatever it is that they might be struggling with, or if they have a medical issue and I'm like, Ooh, I'm going to look this up or let's try this. And so it's, yeah, it's like finding, being inspired by them and growing and learning more about their.
00:07:43
amycryan
personal experiences and how to help them with them. Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I pay a lot of attention to language and how people speak and like how things sound. And I have like just such a variety of different kinds of clients like in terms of where they fall on spectrums. So so like my partner took me shooting, like gun shooting. So like we went shooting, and everything I do, I can somehow trail back to either sex or the therapy work that i'm doing i yeah so like He's teaching me how to do pistol shooting, and he's like, Angela, you're anticipating the shot. And so he was teaching me mindfulness. Like, I had to learn. No, no, it was really good. like i had to i know I guess I could go sexual, too. I wasn't even thinking about that. No, I would be i was about zeroing in your focus and quieting the background. But oh, you guys are right. There's a money shot, too. But no, what I was doing when I was shooting is I was anticipating the shot and then moving my hand.
00:08:40
amycryan
before that it came out, which would move and then the pistol would go up instead of where it went. And he's like, no, you have to be surprised by the shot every single time. And I was like, and I was like, this is a therapy skill. Yes. No, it's so good. Because people are like anticipating that next step, then you lose yeah your focus and like presence in this step. And so I was so excited to learn a therapy skill. He's like, only you, Angela, would take shooting and turn it into some kind of therapy thing. I'm like, what would you expect? any rest from me
00:09:12
amycryan
you didn't want to let him but i did It was cool and it was really cool to have everything quite like when you learn to do that it's like it's so peaceful because you have those ear things on,
Mindfulness & Therapy Skills
00:09:24
amycryan
right? Yeah, but what you're doing is your brain zeroing in totally to the activity and like all that chatter that goes, but what about this, but in the movieva just has to shut down for you to deeply focus into this physical experience, which is totally transferable to sex. Because you have to quiet some of that mind and focus in on body sensations. So it's absolutely sexual, but not only what you guys were thinking about it, but totally fine.
00:09:51
amycryan
Yeah, I like that connection of mindfulness because it's yeah it's about being present. In that moment of pulling the trigger, you're not present if you're anticipating. Yeah, yeah you're thinking about the sound that's coming after the trigger. and No, you have to hold steady, and pull that trigger, be surprised afterwards.
00:10:10
amycryan
it's presence so yeah I love doing stuff like that like everywhere I'm going I'm a little bit learning about like that's part of it so there's a part of me that's a little bit of a therapist all the time and then there's a part of me that tries to shut it off but it never's loose shut no it i'm always like know i know and I like that you know ready for the surprise because I think a lot of people that promotes anxiety on some level, surprise. Oh, yeah. Well, think of how loud a gunshot is to Write all the trauma that can be connected to it. Well, but you know, you can think of sensory people, right? So like, let's not do gunshot situation, but like that surprise of like, I wasn't prepared for the routine to change. Like, this is what the routine, we were going to do A, B, and C.
00:10:58
amycryan
what's this that thing going on yeah you know yeah like that probably a hair jarring better people yeah yeah well so when is choing all yeah guys just have to thing now yeah like i broke them sorry i what are you gonna say so we We often talk about healing and we're curious how you Envision healing what how do you see clients that you work with heal or what healing means
Self-Acceptance & Social Norms
00:11:28
amycryan
for you? That was a lot of questions, but big one What's the theme of healing, you know
00:11:34
amycryan
To some degree, I think it's being yourself and learning to like deeply accept yourself for who you are, kind of the warts and all. oh But it's hard because it's a symbiotic relationship with society, right? So like, I've been thinking a little bit about this, like, how do we hold a space for authenticity? But then how do we also hold space for there are certain social norms, there's certain certain social situations where And it's not that like this, it's like that how do you be yourself, but like what version of yourself is relevant in these situations. And just healing can be this challenging balance of those two things of like how do we because like I see healing just answering that question all by itself is like the more the more accepting and loving you are of yourself and like very self compassionate towards who you are as a person so like some of my quirks that I actually do put in some of my bios is I'm the unfiltered therapist or I'm the therapist without tact so I am but there's reasons right like I have a mom who is deaf so they think of all the the cultural things missing from somebody who's being raised by a mom who literally doesn't visually or I mean they miss every third word or fourth word when they're situationally out there because she would lead read lips but not very well and nobody's talking and thinking about her so she'd miss
00:12:51
amycryan
all those things that you're supposed to learn from and then i just had a weird dad He's just like somewhere on a spectrum never been diagnosed, but he's just he's just quirky and just say that So I have those two things as a part of my growing up. And like I realized, like oh well, some of it is that I'm unfiltered because I wasn't taught certain social norms. But some of it is just biologically I can tell. I'm like, oh, there's even a reason why I'm in this field. Because I get to ask very direct questions that help me sift through those nonverbal, communicational things that I struggled with. growing up. So it's like, Oh, it's all I connect, you know, I'm always like, this connects to this, this makes so much sense. But so going back to this healing question, my big, my big way of seeing healing is just coming to deep acceptance with who you are and finding a way to like, be in communities that work well for that version of yourself.
00:13:47
amycryan
Right? And so so i im finding your tribe, choosing your people. Yeah. There's an element of that where you can let your guard down and be yourself. And we still have to then exist in these different environments because you can't always be around your tribe. Sometimes you're in this work environment that's like, oh, that's all that.
00:14:05
amycryan
or if you're a church person sometimes you're in a church or in a religious experience where like it's not really cool and so there's a little bit of navigating which spaces are best for me to be myself but then how do I recognize these different hats and it's like learn to I know it's nobody likes this but chameleon a little bit in those different spaces in a way that works so you can actually be a successful person too because reality is even with all of our all my quirks and wildness or whoever else is who's listening, there's still, you've got to make money, you've got to pay your bills, yeah you've got to live in society. And so it's it's this balance between the two is the way I'm viewing that question. And then accepting that and also being mindful or aware of, okay, I understand that in this group or at this place, I can't necessarily talk about or be free on this part of my life, but I'm choosing
00:14:59
amycryan
that this is where I want to go to work, and I'm choosing that it is okay for me to put this hat on, and I'm accepting of that. Is that one of that, do you see? Yeah, nice I guess as I'm thinking of healing, I'm thinking of definitely spectrum-y situations, right? Where people who are on the autism spectrum, or ADHD spectrum, or people who struggle with those social norms, and like how do you... Because those people who've struggled with that, like there's there's actually a debate right now around should we be accommodating them or should they be accommodating us and the reality is I think it's symbiotic. It's both like we have to both grow towards each other. Like we do need to find ways to adjust and understand that some people just don't understand these social norms and there's ways they need to develop social skills right so that they can work with yeah and in our environments too. It's a yeah like he's working together. Yeah. Yeah. We can learn from them and they can learn from us and
00:15:53
amycryan
and Yeah, I like that. I think people, I don't know, I think the world's evolving too, so that's good. so Yes, it is evolving, it is. Because it used to be the other way, that the people who had the different challenges and disorders just had to completely almost pass in like the normal world, but I think the normal world is getting tired of being so stuffy hope so yeah
00:16:17
amycryan
Yes, where maybe we don't have to mask as much. and yeah I think that's why we're drawn to authentic people, right? Because if you think of like, who are the influencers you love to listen to or watch? It's people who just tell it like it is, because it's refreshing. I think some of us doesn't, some part of us doesn't want to be like, no, um I like that. I'm drawn to that. and And it's because there's so much in our lives that we're having to kind of like,
00:16:39
amycryan
navigate, like, when am I supposed to say this and not say this? When is this appropriate? It's like, I don't want to be appropriate. i know It's always Is this okay? Or is this appropriate? Or yeah, and and right can we just can we just be appropriately inappropriate? I like that. Yeah, I mean, not to get political or anything, but write this political. oh What's that term where not politically appropriate, but like,
00:17:06
amycryan
you know, with comedians and things like that. i mean Being politically correct. Thank you. Yeah. Oh yeah. So you said it though. But there is this thing where, I mean, you know, we don't want to hurt people's feelings and we don't want to be disrespectful, but there is kind of like this always gauging like, is this okay to say?
00:17:24
amycryan
Or, or even if we're still learning, like there are things that I'm still learning about language and what is hurtful, what isn't hurtful, what's, you know, can I say this or can I not say that? So I think to your level of just, is it okay to be inappropriate? Appropriate, appropriately inappropriate.
00:17:43
amycryan
Yeah. You know? Well, and I think of couples, right? So, like, a lot of my work is in language, believe it or not. Like, because if you think of it, so I've got two couples on a couch. Or wait, hold on. Two people on a couch that are in a couple. I'm just setting a stage. that's why So one person says A and B person hears something completely different. yeah Then B person says B and the other the A person hears something completely different. So a lot of it is like teasing through like, what is the explicit message and what is implicitly going across the couch that you're not seeing? And i do a lot of it is just extricating that like, okay,
00:18:22
amycryan
So you said this, but it sounded like yeah this, or it could sound like this. Do you hear it? And I say that a lot to people. I'm like, did you hear how it could come across that way? And they'd be like, oh, like a lot unintentional like a lot of it's these couples that are not me like most the couples I work with do not want to hurt each other. I do want you to hear that if you ever see me like you don't want to hurt each other, it's all unintentional and it's based on those weird implicit messages that are like coming across the couch that you just like, what? That's not what I meant at all. And even with like neurotypical couples, right? Who, yeah, they struggle with that kind of, so teasing that information up to just what the neurotypicals
00:19:06
amycryan
which it's helpful to have skills and knowledge of But I think it's it often gets lost where it's like, that wasn't my intention, yeah right? They'll often say, that wasn't my intention. It's like, well, that's how I heard it or that's how I interpreted it. So then it's figuring out where did we kind of miss that or where did it get kind of misunderstood.
00:19:28
amycryan
Right? And then I think that's a lot of times when people feel like my partner doesn't get me, right? Or I feel misunderstood or I just, or I'm even afraid to bring up something cause I'm going to hurt their feelings. Right? And what if I say this, if I ask for something that I need and it's, it might be, come out as kind of hurtful to them, right? And so then what do we do with that? Yeah. yeah Cause it's going through all those internal filters that we've created within ourselves. And then,
00:19:57
amycryan
Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. You're looking at me like that? You were just the last person to talk. We had to look at you because that's the social norm. I'm social norming. I don't want to fit your things. Sometimes it's awkward. It is. It Even that, something so simple as like how much eye contact can you give before it feels creepy? yeah like i starting where're like yeah this is the second mark
00:20:28
amycryan
and ah It's funny, I have some people in my life who have weird eye contact who like they'll just like they'll say like a joke and they'll like say a joke and they're like they're waiting for your laughter for the first one. I was like what do I do? My honest response to this sucks. And I'm just like staring back like
00:20:56
amycryan
So yeah so heing healing, healing, figuring out our balance, right? How do we show up in these different situations and what are we comfortable with, I guess. Yeah, I mean that's one part of it. I think another part is just like,
00:21:13
amycryan
unraveling traumas, you know, I mean, that's a big part of our work is, you know, like, in all of these ways, and this is just one aspect of it,
Impact of Trauma & Social Filters
00:21:20
amycryan
right? It's like, how do you show up in these different environments? But like, then there's the trauma that we pick up associated with, you know, like whatever happened in our childhood. And so those those traumas are some of those filters to that sometimes make us like hold back or be more guarded or protected or like,
00:21:36
amycryan
you can make it difficult to share or be vulnerable and open up. And then like, is your partner, so I work with a lot of couples, right? So is your partner even a safe space to be vulnerable, right? Like some of, I always think of it in terms of like three layers. There's the content, which is the things people are talking about. Like, did you do dishes or not do dishes, right? But then there's the process and the process is how we talk through dishes, right? So like,
00:22:01
amycryan
am i like hey could you help me out with dishes today it would be nice versus why didn't you do the dishes it's like you're so lazy that's like a process that that process sometimes needs healing and then there's these deeper meanings you probably like from think of emotion focusedcu therapy for those of you who don't know, just the deeper meanings. you know like there's Why is dish is such a big deal? Well, a deeper meaning might be you don't care about the partnership. like If you really cared about our partnership, you would be putting just as much information and time into dishes as I do. and So there's three layers, essentially, of conflict. I'm trying to help couples to, one, kind of assess and treat. So healing in a couple's situation is me teaching people
00:22:43
amycryan
how to have those deep conversations of understanding at all three levels and how to know when they're with which, what level they're working on. And and so I do a lot of ah like skills training in psycho ed. I'm like, okay, so this is an example of process, right? So let's stay on process. Because then there's this other thing that happens when people are flooding, they call it kitchen sinking, where they just put All of it. They just spew. You've probably heard it on the girls, the the movie, what do you call it? The Mean Girls. The word vomit, right? When people word vomit. all This is all the problems. And then like when you kitchen sink or like word vomit, everything. But it feels like there's just this big pile of crap on the ground that we can't do anything about.
00:23:23
amycryan
And so we've been learning, teaching clients how to like hone that down and like, all right, we're going to just focus on this. I had this one client who was a big kitchen sinker and I was like, no, we're going to like, like, if you think of this, like a loaf of bread, we're going to cut one slice off at a time. And this is the slice. And he was like, I don't, but it works. It works out. trust He actually has since like suggest, like sent clients to me after he's like, I need raves about me, which I'm like, Oh my God, that was really special because he was very, very like, anti
00:23:56
amycryan
those are my those are my real victories right when my people are like this woman's not gonna do anything and it's like we will it's gonna be slow and painful yes yes it will absolutely slow and painful and I'm sorry but it will get better that's part of healing too in terms of the couples yeah sure I like that yeah Well, and so ah what do you find for yourself? That's really healing, like personally what feels good.
00:24:27
amycryan
um I like having fun that isn't related to my job. I think that's really healing and important. So I ah very consciously have hobbies that have nothing to do with my work. like I like to roller skate and I like to line dance. And as I was talking about earlier, we went shooting. And it depends on the season. So in summer, like there's more swimming.
00:24:49
amycryan
um and like outdoorsy-hikey type things, but then I'm moving into fall. You mentioned it's fall, so I'm thinking of my upcoming indoor hobbies and activities. But I think healing to me is making sure I have space for for joy and fun. And um doing it on a regular basis, because I i mean, I do love my job. it's I'm really passionate about my job, but like, there's a way that it can suck you in, and it you can you can become boundary-less around it because of how exciting and you know We have passion for what we do, right? But like passion without boundaries causes chaos, right? So we need like breaks and like you gotta remember that like you're a whole bodied person and having a holistic experience means I have to do things outside of that. yeah yeah And then of course spending time with my family and friends. i I do have a lot of really cool friends I feel like. I can be very authentic with and let my guard down and I can say things that I don't have to overthink. so like being because ah
00:25:46
amycryan
a therapist we're overthinkers right? yes So being in spaces where I can be judgy, where I don't have to overthink, I can just say it. And like people are like, Oh, Angela, you know, and they know that I mean well all the time. And even if I do make a mistake, there's a real gentle like way that they approach me too. Because I have, you know, I just had a mistake last night at a corporate event with my partner. But like, he's a very gentle person when he's like, Hey, can you see how this went this way? And I was like, Oh,
00:26:15
amycryan
Yes, I can. That sucks. I will learn from it. But but so when there are things, little mishaps or hurts that are done, that there's a real gentle approach in the way it's done. I like that you mentioned my friends know that I mean well all the time. yeah And I think that if we can just come to all of our relationships on some level, right, the close ones that we know, and we build that trust of just looking at everything they do say is, well, they mean well all the time. And so maybe it came out this way. So let me check on that or check on myself and yeah it really gives that automatic grace. Yeah. I like that word. I do feel like I have automatic grace with my friends and my partner, which is really lovely. Yeah, no I know. I feel like it's automatic grace. That doesn't mean we don't have conflict or talk, but it means the approach is, Angela, I do know you mean, well,
00:27:11
amycryan
And here's how it came across. Do you see how? And then it's really a conversation. That's all it was. I was like, Oh. Okay, and then like I give myself grace when I hear that feedback too. So like I don't think it's just automatic grace with those around us, but some of my own self-healing has been in the way I treat myself, which is, okay, that happened, that sucks, how can you learn from that? like It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to make a mess. How do you learn from the mistake or how do you clean up the mess? And I really use that language a lot, both with me and my daughter actually, because I want her to learn that self-compassion too. It's okay to make a mess, just make sure you clean it up. you know cause messes are her thing right
00:27:50
amycryan
you can have a thing my daughter has messes i love right now
00:27:57
amycryan
I think that's so important to have that humility to be able to accept your role in things right to be able to accept that responsibility or to be able to accept that oh yeah I can see how what I said could have hurt your feelings right and I love that what you said, that automatic grace. And I think of that also as giving the benefit of the doubt. I know their meaning well, so maybe I need to get curious of where that's coming from for them or what their intention was when they said that. Because to me, that kind of hurt my feelings, right? But I really know that they didn't mean to. And it's still important to share that it hurt your feelings, even though like in our heart, we're like, no, they didn't mean to be mean, but still it validates. It's important to have that conversation like you're saying to still
00:28:42
amycryan
say hey buddy definite muffy yeah yeah so yeah You still got on and honor your own personal walk in this world, right? And so like if something hurt you I'm not suggesting you just deal with it and just like all right They didn't mean to they didn't mean to write like no, it's okay. What happened? Why did it hurt me? What's going on? for me but then when you bring it up you're giving the other person that benefit of the doubt of like, no, that they they didn't mean to, but they do need to know this. So going forward, we can as a team figure out how we're going to talk through things like this or like do it differently. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Good. So healing. Yeah. Yeah. So bringing joy, having those boundaries around passion. Yeah. Yeah. Being around people that, you know, know that you're good intention.
00:29:30
amycryan
I also think, so this is a new concept I've been working on. Yeah, I've always got something. I've always got something in the wheelhouse. So I've been thinking about, I think people need joy teams.
Building a Joy Team
00:29:42
amycryan
and so yeah i know i know' got the video it's coming out and yeah know people like it
00:29:52
amycryan
And so you know when you've got a like a nugget right but so when when I want you guys to think of a joy team, so like people always talk about in business like we need teams for this and you need a well oililed machine basically to keep your business running right But like, what do you what a who's on your joy team outside of your business, outside of your work, right? And so I started thinking about it and I actually came up with three pillars to this joy team. There's there's your childcare team, your healthcare team, and your play team.
00:30:22
amycryan
those are your fun people or your fun team, right? But they're all part of your joy team. And think of it, right? So like child care. So in in certain business situations, like entrepreneurs, I'm an entrepreneur, a solopreneur is what we call us. Basically, I run my own business, but there are times when like my business calls me to do this or that. And it's not like your typical school time experience right so who are the people on my child care team that I can call upon for when I have a project or when my partner and I want to go on a date or have time alone with each other right if you only have one person on your child care team will you you risk kind of making them resentful or feeling like they're being burdened whereas if you have a child care team and think of like it's your school it's your daycare but it's also babyitters it can be your stuff but if your spouse is the only person, then every time you have something for work, then it's like, oh, sorry, babe, I need this. And it's like, they like i'm i need they need to not be the only person on your child care team. And the thing is, is different people, like if you can think of the team, like the phone before we were trying to get it and something wasn't working for some reason, right? You have to have backups for when something isn't working. So she started getting her laptop out, like, what are we going to do, right?
00:31:35
amycryan
If you only have one point of access for the childcare team, then what happens when they're out? yeah yeah And then you're, I mean, you're essentially screwed. So you need a childcare team that includes multiple people to be a part of your joy team.
00:31:47
amycryan
And then you got to think about your healthcare care team too, because all of us are just, so you guys are all in the business, right? Business owners. yeah So as a business owner, usually we don't have very good insurance and um and we're doing it all by ourselves. So if we don't have people in the seats, we don't make money. And so like we need to be doing things. If you think of your healthcare care team, like are you going to the doctor on a regular basis? We need to be healthy to do this job and to do it for the longterm so that like we can keep subsisting and surviving, right? And so like, who's on your health care team? Like do you have, if you need help to remember to exercise, do you have somebody who like, some way that prevent, like keeps you doing that if you need accountability? Or if, for example, you struggle with eating healthy, do you have a nutritionist who can help remind you to like stay on track? Are you seeing your doctor, first ladies, OBGYN, dental? Like do you realize dental, like that's a very expensive thing. yeah When you get a root canal, do you guys know how expensive
00:32:47
amycryan
get one Yeah, but yes. Yeah, exactly But so like these are all that like these routine maintenance things you need a health care team to stay in mental health Thank you. well That's why well, but that's why I went to the fun team or the play team Yes, the whole joy team is about like we need people who remind us to have fun and who's on your joy team So thank you therapist on your joy team or is that the health?
00:33:10
amycryan
pi I mean that would be an I don't know therapist could probably be both but I was thinking like in the play side It could be your friends. It could be your spouse. It could be like sister I told my after I came up with this concept. I told my partner's like you're on my joy team
00:33:30
amycryan
but like other people are too. And like, again, you can't count on everybody for everything. So you need more than one person on that Joy team on the play side of things. So I know it sounds weird. I'm like, we're not even thinking about teams and like, this is why we need community. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I love that idea of Joy team because, you know, Catherine and I are a team on the Sarah sisters because there's no way I could do two businesses all on my own.
00:33:56
amycryan
Um, and so that's, but then even within this thinking of like who, you know, a team we're going to, you know, it's yeah. Anyway, cause you don't know everything, right? Like when it came to, yeah, podcasting and productions, you know, yeah. But for ourselves personally, I like this joy team.
00:34:15
amycryan
Yeah, I know. I think we need it, you know? And I think it's all going back to this community idea, right? Like, we need communities. We can't exist in bubbles. Like, yeah we need connection to people who love us, who we can be authentically ourselves. So I think that's part of the place side of the joy team, right? Like, yeah, I need people who I can just be silly with and who remind me.
00:34:35
amycryan
right And also almost like a variety too. yeah you know i just like because we Like you said, we interact differently with different people. We interact differently with our friends and family. and So it's having those different outlets that serve different parts of us too.
00:34:51
amycryan
One, I want to like speak to my introverts because of course the introverts are like, Oh my God, that sounds horrible. You can limit how much you see everybody in the team. yeah um You can pick more quality people. That's another thing. So introverts tend to have a tripod of friends. They have like their spouse and two really close friends. and that's as much they have to give which But that's still your joy team, right? Like that's I have my tripod. These are the people I just picked higher quality people who can fill in more boxes. Yes. And extroverts do a little more of what I'm describing where you might have like your runner friends and you might then have your drinking friends and your I don't know your therapist friends. So like it is I am I should own that that's an extroverted way of thinking and then there's still ways to adjust it for my introvert friends listening. yeah we are like oh
00:35:36
amycryan
i respect your needs just quality people and make it a smaller team but you do need a team no that's true cause I'm definitely more introverted than Catherine. And a friend of mine, my friend, Jenny, Jenny, I love you. She's like, Amy, you are one of those people who just, you like to have your person. And I'm like, yes, I am. But there's problems too with that, just having the one person. You do need multiple people because yeah, if you depend on that one person to take you to the movies or to talk to everything about or this and that, they're gonna get burnt down.
00:36:14
amycryan
Amy, you need more than one person. Well, here's where it shows up in my work, is infidelity. So when a couple, one person is cheetah on the other, and that's your person, and your person is the source of pain. But that's that's another reason why you need the team, because they can't be your person for all the things while you're healing through this big betrayal they've created. 100%, yeah. So yeah, it shows up a lot. that is my lot yeah office Well, i'm curious this comes more from a couple's perspective. I'm curious your thoughts on you know the ah struggle of when I get hurt by my partner, um going to those people who might be part of my teens, but I'm also like, I don't want them to think ill of my partner, right? And so maybe sometimes it's hard to share, well, my partner did this or my partner said this to someone where it's like, I still want you to like my partner. I still want you to be friends with my partner, but I also need an outlet of
00:37:14
amycryan
places to kind of vent about how I've been hurt by my partner. You seem like I'm curious to mind me your thoughts on that and I guess that's kind of way over here. No it's not. I wrote about it in my infidelity book actually and one of the things i I think of the framework that I used but it basically said you need to find somebody who you consider to be like a good neutral person for things like that that and There's people to hold on to that dichotomy. called the marriage advocate that's what i use is the phrase like find a marriage advocate and what a marriage advocate is it could be a therapist but you need people in your real life too yeah so a marriage advocate is somebody who is on your team team side and you can see that in the way that they talk here's how youd find a marriage advocate look for this language they'll say ah love you no matter what you decide you know like i'm here to support you they will sometimes remind you of your spouse's idea but they will still hold space and validate your ideas too. And they will, and they're usually very gentle in how they do it, but they'll gently say, hey, you know, I've had a situation like this in the past, here are some of our challenges. Like, so they do, that's called commiserating where they're not telling you what to do, but they are telling you how they personally worked through
00:38:29
amycryan
an issue in the past, but then they ultimately still deeply respect you in terms of what you do. So like somebody who would not be an advocate is somebody who gives advice and like takes it personally if you don't follow their advice. right It's like, I told you what to do. why did you That would not be a marriage advocate or even a friend advocate. But cause there are those friends, I don't know who's listening, but like, yeah, like marriage advocates or just friend advocates or people who can give ideas or thoughts, but ultimately like love and respect you for the choices you make. And they're not going to let it change anything. Cause they know that like marriages and relationships are complicated because they are, and everybody's gone through things, yeah yeah but really great question. Cause I think a lot of times
00:39:20
amycryan
Um, friends, they want to be so supportive of their friend. And so, but, but I think that can be a sticky thing because you don't also want to turn the partner into the enemy when they're trying to work it out. Yeah. yeah And so that I just, so I just, I think about that and it's, it's an interesting like yeah kind of dichotomy or thing there.
00:39:40
amycryan
How do we do all of the things to show up in all the places? Well, I had one client who I think had people for the different things. So like what you're talking about is actually loyalty. ah you have you Sometimes you want somebody to be loyal to you. And so it was interesting. I had a client who on his team had a loyal friend, the friend that was more of a marriage advocate and one that liked his spouse better than him.
00:40:06
amycryan
great yes because again like He was like, sometimes he wasn't ready to hear the other side. Sometimes he just needed someone who's like, I'm so sorry you're going through this. That is so hard. How could they? Like sometimes you need to judge with somebody and I think it's okay. But like you do have to, if you're going to have a team like that, like I thought it was a pretty smart way of approaching that where it's like, okay,
00:40:29
amycryan
he does go to that person, but he also does go to the person who stays neutral. And he also goes to the other person who's like, did you think about how you say this? And you're kind of a dick sometimes. And like, that's probably what happened. And he's like, oh, you're right.
00:40:44
amycryan
So, like, be thoughtful of your teammates, too. Yeah, I do. Yeah. No. No, I like that. That was fine. That was really fine. But he was smart. I like people who can do that though, you know? So it's knowing it's okay to have someone who's loyal to you and trying to find the balance on the other side, too, so that you can get the full perspective. I like that.
00:41:05
amycryan
yeah good if you want to do it well otherwise just don't want to do like have a deep value um find it if you don't take advice i what you want to do you're gonna anyway yes yeah It's so funny because we're all therapists, right? And like people pay us to tell them what to do. And It's like, you pay us to do this job. We're doing the research. We're doing it. I spend so much time overthinking your problems. I know. I'm true. Right? Yes. It's a therapist moment. Only therapists listening will understand it.
00:41:46
amycryan
Well, another fun piece that we do is we pull the question and we only answer it. All right, I like it. Our newly chewed thank you, Desi. Thank you, Desi, for cheering on the... whatever. That's why you gotta pick it, yeah? You picked it, you read it. You don't know what they are, though. Oh, you didn't even know? Who did this for you? We just blindly printed it out and cut. She did. Oh, blindly? Well, how do you know if you cut it correctly? I do. Well, I can cut and not read.
00:42:17
amycryan
and All right, the question is, how do you enjoy spending your alone time? planning Yes, go for it. You want me to do it first? um I am learning too. This is a year of learning to actually value a alone time. i'm such I'm such an extroverted person. A joke between me and my partner was when I was spending a alone time, and he's like, oh, who's going with you i like a long time with a friend. But this year, I have been really finding value in like, no, Angela, you need some alone time. So one of the ways late lately I have picked up for a long time is I'm shooting hoops in my driveway. and I have a basketball, there's a hoop. And so I just go out and I just dribble the ball and I shoot and I keep practicing shooting. um Because it's just it's just like it's soothing. It's just kind of like rhythmic. And you're just there to kind of like
00:43:14
amycryan
You know, get your brain off of things. And get the sound. Yeah. And it's something, it's funny, it's a throwback to when I was a child. So when I was a child, I did not have a hoop. I just had the basketball. So I would spend a lot of time just dribbling. And I came up with like basketball dances where like I was like, but it's trying to get the ball as low as possible. And so like it was, it was my goal to get down as close to the ground as possible and just dribble and still dribble. And so I would get to where I was laying down.
00:43:43
amycryan
and like i don't know i just wanted to do all kinds of weird stuff with the basketball so like when i do it there's also a nostalgia piece of like yes do remember this but now i have a hoop right yeah i know and i would i would come up like like just go under my leg it was just fun fuzz so that's what i like to do in my lifetime you go like it you can Well, as I was listening to you, I feel like I need more alone time. I'm trying to think, what do I do that I really love that I do in my alone time? And I think I spend a lot of time researching and doing things on my business, which I enjoy doing some of that, but it that doesn't count. It's working. You're winning. Yeah, it's working. Yeah, exactly. It's not alone time. And a yeah we got to put boundaries around our passions. Yeah, I do. Or there's chaos.
00:44:34
amycryan
So I like to read. I mean, your touch so maybe you're learning that you may need to grow in this kid. I in my long time. Don't worry. I just learned it too. It's kind of a thing. I used to run. I don't run anymore.
00:44:56
amycryan
um I'm gonna grow. I'm gonna grow. I'll come back to you when I figure out what it is. Good question. Okay, my turn. So, I've gotten back into listening to music alone. I'll go into my backyard and take my music phone and a speaker music phone.
00:45:22
amycryan
so everything's on my phone now music as part of that and so I'll just like listen to music and sit outside and sing along and what's great with um you know the Apple now you can get the words and that's what I used to love doing as a kid is pull out the albums because I am that age and they would have the words or the cassette tapes I used to have the words of all the songs and so I just loved reading and singing along and so
00:45:54
amycryan
That's what I do on my alone time. That's fun. Yeah, I enjoy it. Very good. Yeah. I hope all of you find something to do yes alone time. Yes. And make sure you have a long time. Right? First. And it's OK to be scared of it. I think the reason I avoided a long time was I was scared to be alone, which is so weird. But it it came from old trauma. So like if you're scared to be alone, take it slow, maybe a minute, two minutes. A little gentle to toe and do a long time. That's fine.
00:46:27
amycryan
yeah yeah Cool. yeah So do you have anything to promote right now? Do you have anything going on?
Angela's YouTube & Upcoming Book
00:46:35
amycryan
Yeah, so my big promotion right now is YouTube. Look me up on YouTube. It's Angela Skirtu and the spelling everybody always struggles with. So it's S-K-U-R-T-U. Look up Angela Skirtu. I'm always putting out new content. I am working on a book right now, but I don't have it titled yet because I keep workshopping and brainstorming it, but it will be about sex. So follow on the YouTube channel and I'll start to promote it when it comes out.
00:46:58
amycryan
And you've got other books. I do. Two books. Helping couples overcome infidelity, a therapist manual, but it's written for both therapists and clients, and premarital counseling, a guide for clinicians, which is also written for both clients and clinicians. So it's it's it's written in a way of teaching therapists how to do the job. And I always use human language because you're talking to people. So I even have clients who will read it and be like, oh, I learned a cool things. Actually, one fun side note about the therapy the infidelity book is in each chapter I have a good story and a bad story And it was really fun because like, you know, all one thing that I was always like, ah I would get annoyed about therapists books is they only show you like the good stories. Like when everything magically butterflies solves itself. And it's like, that's not real life. So in my chapters, I made sure you saw when I was struggling and it's like, ooh, this is a train wreck and I have no idea what to do. but Here's how I made the most of it. I love it. That's my favorite feature of that book. I'm curious now. Yeah. All right. So YouTube.
00:47:59
amycryan
Angela Skirtu and you'll be talking about the Joy Team, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. There's a video coming up about that Joy Team. Your three pillars. Yes. And then we have a, um, it might be past due, but we're doing some speaking engagements with, um, Theramama and Radiance Resilience and we are making merch on Look us up.
00:48:26
amycryan
It's coming together. Yeah. Giggles and glimmers on Etsy. Yeah. Yeah. So thanks for coming. This is great. Thank you. Yay. Thank you. Bye. All right. Woo hoo. Woo hoo. 48 minutes. Awesome. OK, now.