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Ally Nikolaus
24 Plays2 months ago
TheraSistersStL talk with Ally Nikolaus, who was born and raised in St. Louis. She graduated from Webster University with a bachelor's in Speech Communication. At Webster, she was a standout on the women’s soccer team and was inducted into their Athletic Hall of Fame earlier this year. She also earned an MFA in Screenwriting from DePaul University. In addition to her Hall of Fame honors, Ally is an award-winning filmmaker and graduate of The Second City Conservatory and Music programs in Chicago.
Ally recently published her debut memoir, I’m Gay and Drink Water. It’s a coming-of-age, coming-out story that details her time in college and how she dealt (and didn’t deal) with her mental health and sexuality.
When Ally isn’t writing or working as a legal assistant, she's doing pilates, baking, or spending time with her family and her puppy, Stella.
Learn more about Ally and buy her book HERE
More Giggles and Glimmers with the TheraSistersStL on INSTAGRAM
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Transcript
Introduction & Guest Welcome
00:00:00
amycryan
Hello. Hello. Welcome to TheraSisters. Oh, hello. Oh, there it is. um bar Sometimes it tricks us. Welcome to TheraSisters STL. I'm Katherine Barton. Amy Camp Ryan. Yay. Here we are. We are so excited today because Allie is here. Allie Nicholas, right?
Amy's New Pet Adventures
00:00:19
amycryan
Nicholas. Nicholas.
00:00:20
amycryan
Got it, Nicholas. Awesome. And we are so excited to learn more about her and everything. And Amy, what do you have going on right now recently? I don't know. There isn't much going on. I am currently on the search. I have a new family member. A new four legged family member. And I tell you, I'm getting all kinds of dopamine hits looking at these. Oh my God. I want them all. They're so cute. They're so cute. So hopefully soon.
00:00:49
amycryan
have a new little work for a baby. You will find your forever fur baby soon. I can't wait. They're out there. They are. Yeah, that is fun. And you? Nothing as fun as that. That's true. I don't know. Just trying to get back in the swing of things and get back into a groove with work and life and And we balance. Yes. It's good. Ready? I'm ready. All right.
Allie's Hall of Fame & Education Journey
00:01:18
amycryan
Let's bring in Allie. Come join in Allie. Hello. Hello. So excited to get to talk with you. Oh my gosh. Thank you for having me. Yes. Yes. So I was, we've never met Allie in person. And this is like a first real conversation. And so, yeah, I was reading over
00:01:41
amycryan
your bio and so many things and you are very cool creative spirit I would say yeah yes yeah so well so you're originally from st. Louis yeah born and raised okay went to Webster University yeah for speech communications what did I mean is that it's mostly public speaking folks we had a lot of presentations and a lot of power points okay impressive And you're also an impressive soccer player. That's Yes. You got into their Hall of Fame, Webster's. Yeah, I was inducted in February of this year. Congratulations. It's very fun. I don't know much about soccer. Explain your position you played. I played center mid. Okay.
00:02:25
amycryan
middle of the field. Okay. Gotcha. Right back and forth a lot. Okay. Up and down all around. So did you watch a lot of the Olympics? I watched every game. Yeah. Most of the games and I watch everyone. I'll take that back. I did watch most of them that will work with my schedule. Um, but yeah, I'm glad I'm super pumped that we won the gold medal. a while glad to be back on top It makes me cry a few times. It's an emotional thing. What I'm sure you're loving that St. Louis now has a big soccer presence. It's very fun. Very cool. I've been to a few games. It's just the whole environment and St. Louis has always been such a huge soccer town. That's true. Yeah. The games are super fun. Even if you're not a soccer fan or sports fan, I think they're
00:03:09
amycryan
I could see somebody being entertained at a very good time. Yes, we went to a couple games last year. And yeah, I had a lot of fun. I'm like, oh my gosh, I had no idea how much fun soccer could be. Yeah, it was a lot of lot of good energy. Yes, for sure.
Writing & Personal Revelations
00:03:24
amycryan
Yeah. my And so you're here to help promote a book that you have written. Yes. And tell us the name of the book. I'm gay in Drinkwater.
00:03:37
amycryan
name. Thank you. It was kind of an accident. Like I went back and forth with several different names. I started this book eight years ago. So it's it's gone through a few title changes, but it came about on an Instagram sticker on the story okay about explaining your book's plot poorly. And that's when I I got a lot of good reactions from it. So I was like, this here we are. Oh my gosh, it's good. Yeah, so yeah, it's um out.
00:04:05
amycryan
It's going to be out by the time this is. sometimes time Yeah, yeah yeah i'm I'm super excited. I thought it was going to be like a bucket of tears when that when I started getting copies in and people started doing the pre-orders and buying my book. I thought it would be like, oh my God. I'm just like super pumped and ready for people to read it.
00:04:23
amycryan
Very cool. Yeah, so I'm curious, I want to hear a little bit more about the book, but I'm also curious about the process of writing a book and then getting it out there because I work with a couple um people who write and want to be published and I know it seems like a process, but I'm curious about your process in this.
00:04:51
amycryan
How much time do we have? Okay, so I'll start with like what the book is about. So I, it's called I'm Gay and Drink Water, I already said that. It's basically the long version of my coming out story. When I was in college, I used soccer and alcohol to hide behind my sexuality.
00:05:11
amycryan
The book covers everything from when I was a freshman on the University of Mississippi soccer team, dated my first girlfriend down there. It was not a public relationship. Then I ultimately moved back to St. Louis, transferred to Webster, and it just, I go deep into that relationship with my first girlfriend all the way up until I came out shortly after my 24th birthday. Okay. Wow. Can I ask how long ago that was? Is that permitted?
00:05:38
amycryan
how long ago, when I graduated, how old were you? When you came out? Yeah, so until some of the people do it. We don't know how old you are, I guess. So I came out as 24, a little over eight years ago. Oh, so you kind of, were you starting to write at that point too? Yeah. And like when I was going through, you know, I've always struggled with anxiety and depression and very much so when I was an undergrad, you know, every time I was, you know, going through it, I was just like, I'm going to write about this someday.
00:06:08
amycryan
that was my main mantra to like keep going and just keep going. yeah And I had always thought and knew that I would write it in a book someday. So yeah, shortly after, so I came out two months after my 24th birthday and then I started writing the book like the next year. outcome or So like right after shortly after that. So then did you use writing throughout your lifetime or struggles to kind of journal and as some of this... Yeah, I've always been an avid journaler, journalist, um, journaler. I've never said that I'm wrong. That's what I'm saying. But I think it sounded right. It seems to sound that wrong. But when you think of what I think of journalists, that's what you said. I'm like, well, that doesn't fit journalists, right? Did you think of a newspaper? Journaler. I think it's more from us.
00:07:04
amycryan
But yeah, ever since I was a kid, I would always write you know little snippets about my day. But I've always gone through phrases, like I haven't been journaling much lately, mostly just due to how busy things are. through But yeah, I've always kept a journal at some capacity. Okay. So as i would would you say that that's a big piece of your own healing and your own processing? Oh, for sure. For sure. And like the reason, one of the main reasons this book took me so long to get out is because there's so much that I hadn't processed in.
00:07:32
amycryan
like, you know, my own therapy and just like healed like before I could, you know, add more to the book where I wanted to get it. Yeah, a little more vulnerable, yeah probably. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I was, you were talking about how you would tell yourself, you're going to put this in a book one day or you're going to write about this. So it sounds to me that just empowered you to kind of keep going through those tough times. Exactly. yeah yeah And like so the first several drafts, like that was for me, like just like getting everything out on the page. And like the book, yeah, it's also like literally a copy of my healing journey. It's brave. I mean, it's really brave. Thank And you know now that the book is you know out in the world, it's you know it's not for me anymore. It's like for for anyone who needs it or wants to read it.
00:08:24
amycryan
That was going to be my next question is, as you're going through that process and as it's also healing for you, is that part of it too of thinking about how I'm also making this for others? I'm also making this to help empower others or help them? Yeah, it mostly came from any time I was in a spot and my editor did a brilliant job of like getting me getting the emotions out of me and put it on the page, and which I really needed because that's what the last draft was missing. um so But it wasn't necessarily like, I wasn't thinking about my reader in those moments. I was just more so thinking like, I need to be completely honest in these pages for whoever reads it. yeah So in that way, it wasn't like directly like, oh, I must write this down so someone can read it. There was like a little more to it than just that. Yeah. It was more about really just focusing inward and getting to that wrong emotion. It's like I would be doing, you know, somewhat of a disservice if I wasn't
00:09:21
amycryan
you know, 100% honest. And I don't, you know, everything that happened during those six years of my life, I don't detail everything. I don't mention everything that happened, but the majority of it's in there and the most important stuff's in there. Um, and it's, yeah, it's very honest. Yeah. Well, I think the authenticity of that is so important and that's what people want anyway, right? So it's not like I have to think about my audience or who I'm writing this for. It's more of what do I need to share? Yeah, that's cool.
00:09:51
amycryan
Yeah, thank you. And being true to yourself. So it's more about, yeah, telling your truth and knowing that your truth and and your story is similar to many and they can benefit just from your experiences. Yeah. Yeah. Good. And so... Oh well, yeah yeah the writing class asked. Yes, yes. That was a good question. so You know, each draft was different. The first draft, I just like, you know, came out of me like a waterfall. I was just getting all the words on the page and I just wanted to get everything down because I was afraid I was going to forget something. So I was just like frantically typing ever anything that I could remember during that time. And then, you know, the next draft, I kind of added some more. And then third draft, I tried to like redo it where I was, you know,
00:10:43
amycryan
talking, using third person and like, this isn't working. And then the fourth draft, I kind of wanted to do more reflections like back then versus now. okay But even, you know, that was, you know, five, four or five years ago when I was in those drafts and I wasn't quite there to do the now part. So I scrapped that and then I just went back to, you know, literally telling it linearly and using first person.
00:11:09
amycryan
but yet each draft was different. And then when I was finally, I finally knew I was able to send it to an editor when I kept editing things that I had already edited. And I'm like, this is not productive. Like I would be like, I want to say this here. And then I keep reading, then I would say it down there. Okay. So I, so there was some repetition. Yeah. Wait a minute. I already did this. Yeah. And when I say, you know, it took me nearly eight years to finish it, I wasn't, you know,
00:11:35
amycryan
write writing on it you know, every month or like every year, actually. Well, like you said, it's almost as if you, that part of your story wasn't at an ending point. Exactly. It's a catching up to do. It's like processing certain things and, you know, talking out in therapy and doing the inner work so that they're reflected on the page. Yeah. Well, so a lot of what we talk about is the healing, the idea of healing.
00:12:04
amycryan
And so like you said, like going through this process and working with a therapist through this, what feels, I guess, the most healing for you or how do you heal personally? Writing is a big one. um And I think like, I mean, I've always, when I connect with a therapist and I've honestly only had two very good therapists that I've really connected with and felt true growth with. And, you know, in those sessions,
00:12:34
amycryan
I have felt that I'm able to you know open up more one-on-one with just that me and my therapist. But when it came to addressing things like outside of therapy, like that's where I was really like struggling with for many years. But yeah, when I moved back to St. Louis, I've been back here three years almost three years. I lived in Chicago for a while. And you know finally, the therapist I see now like really helped me get to Telling people being a little more confrontational about my feelings necessarily confrontational but literally just like saying how I feel instead of like Not saying I don't care. like I don't have an opinion So that's that's a big that's huge. Yeah Yeah um And I think that was like also like a threshold I needed to pass before like my book was able to be completed Yeah writing therapy
00:13:29
amycryan
Yoga, I've been going to Pilates recently, and that's really helpful. I am so interested in Pilates. I know it's a lot of work, but to me, I'm like, you're just laying there and moving. It seems so... It's not. It kicks my butt. You mean like those roller Pilates? Yeah. Right? Aren't you? Yeah, I go to the... So I go to plank, which is, it intense than like regular Pilates.
00:13:58
amycryan
okay
00:14:03
amycryan
So you um incorporate physical and mental and emotional into your healing process. Yeah, absolutely. And I always have been like that, I guess with my soccer background, they're just like with just being an athlete in general, like moving my body and working out in some ways. And more so well recently, I mean I've been reading a lot more, just like mostly just using that like as escapism, um which also helps with my writing. But yeah, I don't, I didn't, I mean, I've always been a reader, but I think more so now I'm just aware of like how much of an escape it is for me, because now i I went to film school. So when I watch TV and film, like I'm analyzing it a little few more than I used to. yeah So reading has certainly been, you know, a way to
00:14:52
amycryan
to escape a little bit, but I also find healing, and that sometimes too, depending on what stories I'm reading, and I'll be like, oh, parallel to my own life. and get asked Yeah, I have other questions, but before I notice that, well, I didn't notice, but as a therapist, we do use journal writing or writing your story um with clients and um have often done it with know people who've experienced trauma.
00:15:21
amycryan
and so Yeah, I don't know where I was going with that, but just writing in itself, like you mentioned, is healing. And it just like is a different, because you're putting like a physical, whether you're typing or physically writing, like there's just something about it, like they're getting it out in a different way where you're just talking about it. Yes. Yeah, I agree. And the, um, my thought here, and then it went that way, um,
00:15:50
amycryan
I don't know where it went. It'll go back. I didn't take any second dose of medication so much for me. It's a little all over. Oh, it came back. Okay. So you mentioned in, was it your last draft where your editor really pulled out that emotional piece and that too, because right when we write our stories, um, and we'll start off with like the basics, things that we don't want to forget and it's pretty like just physical, we don't put the emotional piece in there. So yeah, it sounds to me just writing this book, the I'm Gay and Drink Water book was a real healing process. It was, and i in different ways too. I'd also provided escape from other, you know, traumatic times too. So yeah, I mean the book is so it's so, it's been so many things the last eight years that they've been working on it.
00:16:49
amycryan
Well, I can't wait to read it. I know. Yes. And you can tell us how to find it at the end. I mean, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Screenwriting & Comedy Discoveries
00:16:56
amycryan
It sounds amazing. So tell us even more about your journey just in the sense that you live in Chicago and you know, you have so many things that are so interesting. I know. And you've won awards like there's so much. So much. Okay. So I went to DePaul University for screenwriting. Okay. In Chicago. I graduated in 2017. I love that program. like I was And that too, like being in that program like around the same time I started writing my book, okay i they helped me find my voice a little more like on in stories and whatnot. And like most of the stories that I write are either like a direct reflection of something I've been through or
00:17:37
amycryan
very closely inspired by it. And the same with the Second City Theater in Chicago. Did you play a part in Second City? Not their main stage, not their traveling, but I have to gone through mostly their other, most of their programs. That's kind of pretty cool. Yeah, and I've done a bunch of shows there and and other theaters in Chicago as well. But yeah, and like Second City is very huge on, you know, drawing, you know, pieces of yourself to inspire different scene work and all that. So Chicago is definitely where I was you know freely just able to hone my creative voice and my personal voice. And I've written so many things there. And I think like once I was accepted into DePaul's program, I was finally able to really focus on writing. And then it was interesting like transitioning from screenwriting and writing sketch comedy to writing a novel or writing a book. because It's much longer, different format, longer words.
00:18:36
amycryan
Yeah, but I Are you still doing like comedy work or short? Only in my house. When you put shows on, they do it every day. I think he sleeps this. Yeah, I don't know. i When COVID hit, and things obviously changed a lot. And I mean, I do miss performing. I do miss being on a stage.
00:19:03
amycryan
and i was I've been thinking more about you know filmmaking, like what is our next project going to be? Is your fansate in the film? No. Okay. No.
00:19:15
amycryan
When I say we, I'm at my production. Oh, okay. He's my best friend who lives in Chicago. But yeah, we we wrote a short film called 8,000, which is about endometriosis, god which I have. I was diagnosed with that.
00:19:31
amycryan
25 or 26. It's a hard diagnosis. It sucks. Very much so. It's one of those like silent, you know you can't see it, you don't know, you have no idea someone's going through it. You feel this. Well I mean outside. It's an invisible illness. Invisible, thank you. It can be so painful.
00:19:54
amycryan
Yeah. So we wrote, and like a big part of, you know, my artwork during my twenties, especially, like I was just like, I want to just like turn my paint into like comedy and to like, you know, a little more lighthearted things, but also like shedding light on very serious issues. yeah yeah So wrote a short film called 8,000 and we put it in a bunch of film festivals when we took home an award. That's awesome. Yeah, that was back in 2021, a few years ago. Awesome. I have to check that out too.
00:20:25
amycryan
So, many things I don't so did you have a question? Well, what were you talking about? We were talking about about Chicago. and oh yeah Oh, and just you, yeah, acting out comedy sketches in your house. I haven't done any show since I moved back. I moved back to St. Louis in the fall of 2021.
00:20:52
amycryan
and do the breakup, and then my health like declined significantly, so I haven't really done much you know performing. you know If something comes along, I don't think about it, but it's not my focus right now.
00:21:06
amycryan
turns And so your focus right now is getting the book
Wedding & New Puppy Highlights
00:21:10
amycryan
out. Any other focuses? I'm getting married in October. Oh, this is a good relationship. That'll take some time. Yeah, yeah. So how's that going? It's overwhelming. Yeah. But it's been fun. We are working with both just ready to be married and ready for the day to be here. Yeah. I got that going on. I'm super interested in law. OK. Yeah, you're a legal assistant. OK.
00:21:38
amycryan
I would love to go to law school. I love school. Can't get enough. I can't get enough. When I know what I want and like I know what I love to study, I just like kind of go all in. But yeah, definitely, you know, my memoir is, you know, focus, just getting that out. I'll be at the Tower of Hope Pride Festival in September. Yeah, oh we did just get a puppy. I wanted to say. Her name is Stella. She's a German short-year pointer.
00:22:05
amycryan
I rescued her from the Humane Society. but ah She's a handful, but she love is she's sweet. She has an on and off switch. There's no one between. She's either like you know running laps around the yard or house, or she's like snuggling and taking naps. yeah And she's a little one, still a puppy. She's five and a half months. Oh, shi like congratulations on that. and A coming wedding. I love wedding.
00:22:33
amycryan
yeah let's good you go yeah Remember to be in the moment, right? And just yeah stay there and it's absolutely Yeah, So, are you going back to school to become a lawyer? Yes. Oh, okay. so yeah. And I was like, one thing, I'm like, I was like, yeah, I'm kind of interested in law, but no, i'm I'm like, kind of, I'm still shy about it because I don't talk about it. But yeah, after the wedding, i'm gonna I took the LSAT in April, but I need to take it again get a better score okay so to pick up
00:23:06
amycryan
year and early next year. So you utilize both sides of your brain, this creative and this kind of logical, you know. Yeah, but it's interesting though because I have found like so many like parallels in legal work and also writing. The structure of it, you know, when you build a case you're also like kind of building a story. True, yeah. And just like all the details that can go into legal work too, just like the story so I'm curious and eager and excited to see where the rest of my legal career takes me because like I don't I think I when I was in grad school I did my thesis script was centered around a court case about an assault that took place on a college campus fictional based on real events but I so yeah
00:24:01
amycryan
Oh, how they're kind of connected using that. Yeah. so i brain So when I was writing that script, I had, you know, I'm like, I didn't know that much about law. So I'm like, you know, reading all these books about law, I know this is really interesting. So then i I was like, okay, well, know what else, you know, what else is in here in this legal path? And like, I went back and forth for a long time. Like, like, how can I both be, you know, this creative person, and a writer and also be, you know, an attorney someday?
00:24:28
amycryan
And then, you know, not too long ago, I'm like, whatever, I got to do both because that's the only answer. Right. So yeah, that's how I got into, you know, this interest in law. It's just, it's only grown since I wrote that script. oh yeah yeah I'm curious is, you know, some individuals when they go into law, it's because they have something that's happened to them or they have this purpose of, I want to stand up for XYZ people or um focus on a particular thing. Is yours something in that direction or are you more just like law is an interesting thing? I'm curious about it. I don't know. i Every day I
00:25:13
amycryan
find something that might come across my desk that's in a state planning file and I'm like, this is what I'm going to do. Then the next day I'll be knee deep in a lawsuit and pulling exhibits and all this sorts of stuff and I'm like, this is cool. I haven't really found the niche yet. I haven't, but there are also a that do a lot of different types of law. So I think that's pretty cool and definitely doable. But yeah, I don't know where I'm gonna land. It could be none of those. Maybe it's something I haven't been exposed to yet. But I'm excited to find out. I like the idea of the connection of the writing with law. Like you said, it's almost like putting a story out there. Because for the jury, whoever's gonna be making that decision,
00:26:05
amycryan
You do want to be able to capture them or you do want to be able to share that information in an interesting way that, you know, gets them involved and really tells them the story. Yeah, from like a writing standpoint, like when you know you're drafting pleadings and, you know, whatever contracts, like it's just so, I mean, yeah, it's a legal terminology. So yeah, I think it'd be a little bit, you know, dry and boring, but it is so beautiful, like just the way it looks.
00:26:28
amycryan
and I just love how it looks on the page. There's just like something very artistic about how simple and, I mean, I'm really just, you know, promoting Microsoft Word. It a really lovely. Are you talking about just physically looking at a page of words? Yeah. so interesting. There's like you know the section breaks and section headers and all that. That's a new way of looking at a page of words. Yeah. I never would have thought about that, that that's neat.
00:27:00
amycryan
And so with healing, we maybe we got off, did we get off topic with the healing in your bloodies and yoga and writing and you're continuing to do all of that and continue to heal through therapy. okay How would you define healing? is a healthy way for you to cope and process.
00:27:27
amycryan
whatever you need to cope
Allie's Definition of Healing
00:27:28
amycryan
and process. Okay. Whatever you need to do to cope and process. So it's open. And very individualistic. In a healthy manner that is not doing any harm to yourself or others. I think I like that permission. I take it of people. And it's overwhelming too with that answer because I mean it takes a long time sometimes if I am a person and it doesn't work. Yes.
00:27:52
amycryan
It sounds like you went through a process of finding what worked and what didn't work. I did. My main issue that I still struggle with is like I know what works for me and it hasn't changed too much but then you know I'm in a really good place and then it's like oh I don't need to go to Pilates today because I don't feel good already. it's a It's like maintaining it and like just make making sure you're consistent with what works for you.
00:28:17
amycryan
a i mean i do it all we're currently doing
00:28:23
amycryan
So that's the biggest struggle is maintaining the healthy pieces of healing on a daily basis. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure that speaks true to a lot of people. It's like we know what we're supposed to do, or what we need to do, and and it it is hard to kind of, wait like you said, I'm in a great mood right now, and so I don't eat it, but then it's like the next day it's like, oh.
00:28:46
amycryan
ah I should have gone. Or if I would have gone, that would have been a good idea. No, that makes sense. Well, and I like the, ah like you said, that the permission of it can be whatever it is for you. And that's a lot of what we talk about too, of just finding all these different people who heal in so many different ways and just sharing how they do it. And how and so it's, um you know, opening that up and even just putting the options out there of like, oh, I've never heard of that. Maybe I could try that, right? And you never know. And like, even just because something doesn't work out, doesn't, you know, yeah, it can be a bummer, but it just is leading you to something that will. Right. Yes. Yeah. Still information. Mm-hmm. And so, you know, with you, you know that physical activity of some kind is really important. So, which is nice just to have that broad, you know, knowledge. So if you get to a point where you're like, yeah, Pilates isn't doing it,
00:29:40
amycryan
into back seaer yeah love right yeah And like what I love about Pilates, my best friend, got me into it not too long, two months ago. She was like asking me for a long time, like, you know, just go, i'll just go, come with me. i like okay But I love it because it's new, it's a new workout and it's intense. um but And I don't have to you know think about what I'm doing, I just listen.
00:30:05
amycryan
to do the instructor and look at whoever's, you know, just copy the person next to me. But it's challenging and what I've noticed is that it's really built up the endurance of my muscles. So like when I go lift at the gym for like my regular workouts, my muscles last, they last longer. And I'm like, that's never, that hasn't happened in a long time. So yeah, but like trying something new, like I absolutely love going to Pilates. It just kicks my butt. I don't love it when I'm there sometimes, but.
00:30:36
amycryan
after letter yeah Do you still play soccer? I have not and since I've been back. I did go to like a pickup game at this like random place last spring, but I haven't played. That's the first time I played in a while. I would love to. My body is just like doesn't agree with that sport as much as it used to. But yeah, I mean I'd love to still play. I just don't as often as I like.
00:31:04
amycryan
Yeah, instead you can watch people. Yeah. otherwise yeah so and us saying There's a really great bar on, um, what street is that? Amsterdam Bar? Yeah, the Amsterdam Bar. Yeah, I was gonna say that's like the main bar I know about to go for soccer and it's super fun. but And they probably have water there.
00:31:29
amycryan
you like just playing water do you like sparkling water do you like all and I love regular water. I do like sparkling water. I love a little flavored water. I don't know what kind of water. Tequila water. We are in St. Louis. We are a bit of a drinking town. Oh, I got it. You have to stay warm somehow up there. So bad. It's a winner. God. But if there is a shift, I think, from us older people, Gen Xers, and the younger generations, there is a shift as far as drinking goes. It's not. You've been in the last 10 years. It's been...
00:32:16
amycryan
it's There's been a lot of you know change and growth in non-alcoholic beverages cocktails. Yeah, cocktails. Yeah, they are delicious. Yeah. So that was also something that's part of your journey. You said using alcohol to cope and using journaling. and or And there was something else. Soccer. mean soccer It was soccer. Yeah. yeah yeah And so and I'm guessing now you don't drink anymore. No, I quit drinking and the week after my 24th birthday. Oh, OK.
00:32:44
amycryan
Oh, almost eight and a half years. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, so that was, that correlates with your coming out yeah because I was hiding that i masking and making it. Exactly. So it's everything the book is everything like leading up to that moment and the two months that followed. Okay. That's the timeline of the book. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah.
00:33:11
amycryan
curious I can't wait to read this book. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, can, can I get a little more vulnerable? Well, just in leading up to that, you know, those times where when you maybe you realize or maybe you always knew, you know, that, uh, that I'm gay and that, so like, um, in those moments when it was like, I can't share this or like, what told you I can't share this? and then
00:33:42
amycryan
that I need to hide this, that I, you know, I talk about this in the book too, but like a lot of, um, you know, it's a big, big thing of those things, but it's also like, it's also not like, you know, just like little comments that somebody said one time and I was a kid that just stick with you. So it's like, they're not safe. Yeah. In a way or, or that's not okay. That's not okay. This is not like, you know, and when I was a kid, like I didn't, you know, I was very much aware of the 30 figures, you know, like,
00:34:12
amycryan
you know if an adult says something, like but that must be true, because you know they're involved. um So i you know I took that to heart, and I didn't i just suppressed it. i wasn't you know Every day I wasn't like, oh, I'm gay, I'm in the closet. I was just like, you know this is is more so like, this is how I need to behave, and this is how I need to dress and act, and this is who I need to date. So play these rules. It's mostly the rules of that society yeah bestowed upon me. And also media representation. like there's not like the movies I was watching as a kid, and the shows I was watching growing up, they weren't, you know, incredibly diverse in many ways. Yeah, and then when i as I got older, I, you know, it was just easier to drink about it and not deal with it until, you know, it became too much. Well, and so then it was when you came to that realization, it was like drinking. I can't do that anymore. right
00:35:08
amycryan
Yeah. I literally, I had a really bad night, um, after like pretty much a bender and I just like woke up and I was like, I can't do this anymore. And I just, I haven't since.
00:35:21
amycryan
I'm learning just from talking to you today, it seems as if that you are someone who, when you do get your mind set on something,
00:35:31
amycryan
you are determined. Yeah, you're not the first person who's told me that. yeah much so yes Has ever gotten in the way? What has gotten? That's focused mindset and determination. I don't know if I understand your question. Has it ever complicated things? Oh yeah, sometimes I like, you know, become like obsessive of certain things or not know when to take a break. So that's hindered me sometimes or like a lose sight of other things because I'm so focused on like these things that I'm so passionate about.
00:36:10
amycryan
Yeah, I mean, it can. It hasn't in a while, but therapy and taking care of yourself is helping. awesome simple So well, and another piece we like to talk about is glimmers. So those moments of just kind of joy, those moments, you can just step back and um really just feel or a moment where you noticed growth that you were able to actually like oh I did that differently or so there's anything that stands out somewhat recently or somewhat recently um I've been noticing like things that I've been manifesting for a long time I like finally I like arrived um
00:36:52
amycryan
And it's just, it's just cool to see that and how the timing has worked.
Celebrating Personal Milestones
00:36:56
amycryan
Um, cause I, you know, I always, you know, have faith that these things would come to me and be a part of my life, but I didn't know like how or when, I mean, i I have my idea of how or when, but that never, those two aspects don't really, it's not up to me. Um, yeah, when I got, um,
00:37:14
amycryan
So I didn't have a car for the first a year and a half I lived. I lived here, I was living with my parents. So I finally bought a car a couple of years ago. That was a huge, huge deal. yeah It just represented like so much from why I left Chicago. like I just like felt like so independent but with having a car of my own again. yeah um And I left Chicago because I but it broke up with my ex. I just left the city, not how I planned on leaving Chicago and whatsoever.
00:37:42
amycryan
And that week that I was you know moving back here, yeah I was just like, there's just something, there's a better story, there's a better love story for me. Don't know where it is, didn't think it was here, didn't think my fiance and I went to the same high school. Oh my gosh. Oh, how funny. Yes. So sick.
00:37:59
amycryan
you can't be and now i have puppy and I just like I've always wanted a dog of my own but I never had one in Chicago because I'm like I just want a guard for the dog. It's really important to me. um Yes and I have a yard and a dog and a car and that's pretty good. And the story is incredible like we've been in each other's lives like on and off since we were kids. yeah sweet You guys had to do your own kind of figuring out who you were as individuals and Yeah, we reconnected um on a hike last April as part of this outdoor queer adventure group here in St. Louis. Yeah, we started dating last June and got engaged in March this year. And here we are getting married in the 50s. Get the countdown. Those are good glimmers. Well, I'll share a glimmer.
00:39:27
amycryan
it is a good one so thank you there and right yeah So now it's my turn. and i'm feeling a little stuck, of one that's really standing out, but you're a great manicure. Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, yes, it's a whole thing. It's a glittery. It's very glittery. It's serving another purpose as well, but um yeah. a live I think I could do just something even this morning. I had a moment where, cause a lot of times I, if I'm doing something,
00:40:07
amycryan
I also need something going on. Like I need to listen to something or I need to have music, right? And this morning I was making cinnamon muffins or something. Yeah, they're delicious. But i I was sitting there and I like i noticed myself like looking for my phone and then I was like, no.
00:40:27
amycryan
I kind of just want to do this in peacefulness today. And so I took a moment of just like peaceful, peaceful focus and it just, it felt really good. Yeah. And so no background noise or anything. Nothing. but for I know. And I was just kind of by myself and it felt really nice. Yeah. Look at us. Yeah. last little thing that we like to do is you get to pick a a random question and we all answer it.
00:40:56
amycryan
see what we got
00:40:57
amycryan
Yeah, we have no idea what they are. Alright, alright, alright. Ooh. What's your most prized possession and why? Do we already do this one? Do we do this with Bill? Because remember I said family and you guys said that doesn't count. Yes, because he said both. I didn't want to answer that one. I didn't want to answer it again. I know. Okay, I think about this almost every day. Oh, we'll see. Because it has billboards.
00:41:27
amycryan
on the highway. So what would be the first thing you do if you won the lottery? you're buy No, I just see the lottery. I see the lottery on the billboard. I yell the number every day. I pass it on my way to work. The million. Yes. Okay. What would you would pay off all of my loans and not worry about law school? for Right. right that means It'd be paid for.
00:41:54
amycryan
Okay, so that's the responsible. Give us a non-responsible answer. Oh, I would probably take a long sabbatical from work and travel. Yeah. And make sure my dog comes too. Yes. That sounds wonderful. Yeah, I would do those things too. Let me think.
00:42:12
amycryan
first thing that came to my mind was i would call my sister my other sister oh and say what do i do with all this money she's a money manager person yeah that's also the responsible thing i would call okay what do i need to do with this because i want to spend it all yeah because i would love to just go do stuff but i would definitely travel i would definitely take some breaks and just travel. But travel also may be travel comfortably. Yeah, it's not about taking a large backpack with cash. Yeah, no, I've done that. Yeah, I've stayed in hotels or hostels already. Is that what I'm talking about? I wouldn't say. Obviously going to stay in hostels again. But yeah, it's a different type of travel.
00:42:56
amycryan
I still like to get in nitty-gritty with the people. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, that is fun. One time in a hostel, it was just real quick. um I looked at my pillow, and there was blood on my pillow. Oh! And luckily, I had probably been drinking, so I just didn't need the pillow. But it was a moment where it was like, oh, thank you.
00:43:26
amycryan
no yeah Anyway, well I would do all those responsible things too, but maybe, you know what I would do? I would buy a house somewhere,
00:43:38
amycryan
so it's kind of like the travel but not, but maybe in like Hawaii or maybe on Lake Michigan because we just went and it was wonderful. It was there too. Big, beautiful house.
00:43:50
amycryan
That makes so much sense for you because you're such a homebody. I am a little bit of a homebody. I love decorating yeah and I would get to redo the whole thing. yeah so Let's all win the lottery. You can travel together and we'll come stay at your house.
00:44:06
amycryan
that place to stay in hawaii that's where i we else yeah and just like You're going to want to decorate both. Yes, that's true. Two different energies. What part of Michigan? Or did you go to? We went, it was called Stevensville, which isn't like the big happening place, but it's close to St. Joseph. And I asked like, I know Michigan. My fiance's family go has gone like every year for decades. So we where did i move that go?
00:44:38
amycryan
I think it's more closer to... Very nice. yeah Just quiet and yeah it's lovely. Yeah, it is lovely. And the lake, it it is like an ocean, the lake. It's freezing. It wasn't that bad. No, I couldn't get it. I'm just like, you're like, so defensive. No, I went out there when my, it's a whole thing, but my son was out there and the waves were huge. And I'm like, okay, maybe I'll go out there and I won't be so nervous with him out there.
00:45:08
amycryan
Nope. I was getting pummeled and I'm like, you all have to get back. But it was fun. Yeah. Anyway, so, promote your book, where can we find it? Yes, yes, yes,
Memoir Promotion & Events
00:45:20
amycryan
yes. I'm getting Drink Water, a memoir by me. It's on my website, www.AllieNicolas.com. And it's on Amazon as well. And it'll be in person at the Tyre Grove Pride Festival in September. Yay! And you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok. It's ated at that's A-L-O-Y.
00:45:44
amycryan
xx and okay Okay, very good. Awesome. Well, thank you for coming. nice We're so glad you found us and reached out and now we know so much more and we have a book to read. And we have new people that we know. I love Thank you. All right.