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The Coital Tornado
71 Plays2 years ago
Got an idea for a podcast? Call us at 702-PODCASP and leave us a voicemail.
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SHOW NOTES:
This Shouldn’t be News to You Worms - giving Bezos way too much credit
Just DON’T Add Water (The Great Mashed Potato Experiment) - wait, there’s NOT a good one?
Please Take My Seed - maybe this is the good one
The Itty Bitty Hitty Subcommittee - we’re expanding the Magic Mike franchise
Dan Legends - sounding like Bob Dylan trying to get out of bed
Aaron Carter and Media and Media and America - “talk about a body count!”
Shandar Get's Shit Dusted - move over, Cocaine Bear
If Me Smarted - it’s easy to research
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Transcript
Introduction and Humor
00:00:03
Speaker
Well, well, well, well, hello baby. It's me, the Big Bopper. Oh, I'm a freak for panties. Do you, uh, do you Big Bopper ghost, uh,
00:00:29
Speaker
When you died in that plane accident, did you think it was because you were too heavy for the plane? Oh, I thought God was mad. He was punishing us for being so horny. Ooh, Chantilly Lace. Back in those days, if you even thought about panties, they said that you'd be sent to hell immediately.
Podcast Aspirations and Challenges
00:01:00
Speaker
Is this how I sound? I'm just kidding folks, it's me. It's not really the ghost of the big bopper. We don't have a podcast yet. We still don't have a podcast yet. It turns out that the idea of reviewing Harbor Freight tools for YouTube to try and get free publicity from Harbor Freight tools
00:01:32
Speaker
is not a podcast. And while it might be getting us some free publicity, does not count. We're still sadly in the red, as they say. Negative one podcast. We are humiliated. If we could just get to Even Steven, we could walk away from all of this.
00:02:01
Speaker
Yeah, but some somehow once you start trying and you fail you're at negative one So we're just trying to get off the Schneider Yeah, we've invested thousands of dollars into this project at this point. It's a great. It's a huge tax write-off but unfortunately as far as a source of income goes it's It's a wash
00:02:29
Speaker
If we could be absorbed by say News Corp or something, if HBO, Warner, Discovery, whatever they're called, if they wanted to give us a podcast on the HBO Go and then never release it so that they could use that as some sort of a tax shelter, we'd be more than willing to
Content Vaults and Missing Episodes
00:02:58
Speaker
just keep recording episodes like that Blazing Saddles TV show without anyone ever hearing them. In fact, that might be preferable to what we actually do, which is just shouting into a void every week. And I'd like to offer some branding advice. We can go ahead and put it on the HBO Gone label. Oh, yeah. HBO Gone. Yeah, and they can
00:03:28
Speaker
I would imagine there's probably 10 people in the world who have a HBO Gone password and they could listen to our podcast and watch like the Looney Tunes cartoons and watch Batgirl, all the good stuff. All the stuff that's gone, all those cartoon network shows that they just decided were worth more, somehow worth more by not existing.
00:03:55
Speaker
We could be part of that family of products. We're stuck behind some sort of a, it's not even a paywall. It's like the Disney vault. Does Disney still put stuff in the vault? I feel like their streaming service is kind of, well, I guess that they did. I don't think that they had every single
00:04:25
Speaker
movie that they've ever made on the Disney+. Yeah. They have both of the Swiss family Robinson movies. Um, but they did a kind of memory hole. The Michael Jackson episode of the Simpsons. Like you can't find that anywhere on Disney+. Just a weird missing episode. I think that season three episode one does not exist on Disney+.
00:04:55
Speaker
They have all the other episodes where the guest star was a sex freak. But oh, heaven forbid. The one where they never even admit that it's Michael Jackson doing the voice. There's an episode where Jeffrey Epstein teaches Homer to boogie board. They left it up.
00:05:20
Speaker
Folks, we're a little
COVID Humor and Business Ideas
00:05:22
Speaker
rusty. We're a little out of practice. It's been a while since we've done a non-podcast. I got COVID-19. It's still 19. We're living in the past, man. Let's get COVID-23 going. Yeah. You're telling me that COVID didn't take some time for itself.
00:05:48
Speaker
You know, learn to make sourdough bread and, you know, maybe, what else did people do? Learn to play the piano?
00:06:02
Speaker
You know, I would say COVID should have leveled up by now. Yeah, COVID 23 and me. We just keep getting Street Fighter-style new editions of the same old COVID. Hi, I got an idea for a business. They're just thinking of 23andMe. How about a business called 24andMe? And you just send away, you swab your mouth, and then we'd tell you whether or not you have Down syndrome.
00:06:32
Speaker
I thought you were going with that. Okay. That's my idea. Folks, we don't have a, we don't have a podcast yet.
Recording Realities and Patreon Push
00:06:45
Speaker
And, and what's even worse is that we're recording this in my garage. If you're a, if you're a loyal listener, you might remember that, uh, we, the last one, I was in the garage by myself.
00:07:00
Speaker
And I'm still here in the garage not for Covid reasons but just because we did a special episode if you go to the patreon you can listen to it where we Filmed an episode in the garage. You can go check that out patreon.com slash. We don't have a podcast yet or White House dot boats It's not boats
00:07:28
Speaker
Before we started recording, we had a conversation that we never finished wherein Andrew, my co-host, asked me if I had an idea for a podcast that was good this week because he had one that was good and I never answered. But the answer is no, I don't have any good ideas this week. But I'll give you my first idea for a podcast. I'd love to hear it. This one's called This Shouldn't Be News to You Worms.
00:07:58
Speaker
And this would just be a podcast, a news podcast, where we'd talk about current events, but we're also verbally abusive to the audience. So it'd be like, I wrote in parentheses, have a segment called, you all are some incredible dumbasses. So this would be just, I guess we would do like the most obvious news stories of the week.
00:08:27
Speaker
but then just constantly talk down to the listener about how they shouldn't have to hear it from us. I guess you didn't get the memo, but... They're called newspapers. They deliver them to your front door and you open it up and you use your eyes to do a little bit of reading. And it says, hey, dumbass!
00:08:55
Speaker
Should have voted for somebody else! Our top story is newspapers exist. Well, that's how we'll start it out every week. Because we're angry at the audience for not knowing this already. We're just gonna give, yeah, we're just gonna buy a newspaper and then read it on the air.
Controversies and Celebrity News
00:09:15
Speaker
Well, if you had gotten off your ass and got a newspaper, you'd be finding out about, um,
00:09:24
Speaker
And then, I mean, what the New York Times is just doing, stories about how maybe J.K. Rowling, maybe we should keep listening to her for some reason. In case you assholes didn't know, the lady who made Harry Potter
00:09:48
Speaker
is having a contest with the guy who made Dilbert to see who can become the most hated person in America the fastest. And it was looking like it was gonna be the Harry Potter lady until yesterday when the Dilbert guys had some really wild stuff. But I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
00:10:15
Speaker
Is the Dilbert guy still on all that human growth hormone? Yeah, he's like, he's all weird and muscly. He's like, he definitely, he can't afford the same steroids that the Amazon guy takes. Bezos. Bezos.
00:10:42
Speaker
Jeff Brazos to this giant arm. I find it hard to believe that the Dilbert guy can't afford whatever steroids he wants. I mean I guess that look there's steroids and then there's whatever Jeff Bezos is doing where he doesn't he doesn't look like a penis that made a wish to become a man which is what every other person on steroids looks like. Um
00:11:07
Speaker
I don't know, I think that Jeff Bezos kind of- Yeah, he does kind of look penis-y. But that's because of the lack of hair, more than anything. Yeah, and the fact that he rides around in a penis rocket. Anyway, that was my first idea. This shouldn't be news to you, worms. And then this could also, we could include some light,
00:11:33
Speaker
sexual shaving because let's be honest that's people are going to be listening to this to get their rocks off well we can uh i i think that we could pick news stories that are sexy from the jump you know
00:11:53
Speaker
I think that there are news stories that you open up and you say that, I'm doing this one just out of civic duty. And then there are ones that you're like, well, this one gets my motor running. The carnival's in town, that kind of thing. All right, I'm looking up sexy news to see what we got. Chris Evans names people's sexiest man alive.
00:12:22
Speaker
That feels like it could have happened any year out of the past 10 years. What did he do that was especially sexy this year? I mean, he's got a pair of Ray-Bans on and he's making a face like, hey, come on. Then we have Megan Fox jokes people only notice how smart she is while wearing sexy cutout pants.
00:12:50
Speaker
And Megan Fox, I'll be honest, I haven't seen Megan Fox in a while. I don't know if this is a current photo, but Megan Fox does not look- It looks like that's a, yeah, Madame Tussauds Megan Fox. Megan Fox has just now gotten to the point where she doesn't look like one of those AI generated babe pictures that we keep seeing. It's like,
00:13:20
Speaker
Like a cartoonishly sexy lady with 17 fingers and like a row of teeth, like a shark. But more like if we put a 13-year-old boy's brain into a jar and hooked it up to electricity and told it to generate pictures of what a hot lady looks like. That's what Megan Fox is. A 13-year-old boy who also thinks Jamiroquai's hat is cool. Well, yeah, yeah.
00:13:51
Speaker
Here's some other sexy news story. This is literally eonline.com slash news slash sexy. Tommy Lee shares the real story behind that full frontal selfie. This is the first time hearing of the full frontal selfie. Have we ever had an oral history of one singular photo before? That I mean, an oral history. I saw that. I saw that video.
00:14:19
Speaker
Then we got Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly share glimpse into their sexy bath time And in very sexy news Billie Eilish says watching porn since age 11 really destroyed my brain
00:14:41
Speaker
She waited a couple of years. I didn't start watching it until I was 14 and I'm fine.
Food Humor and Sketch Ideas
00:14:48
Speaker
I love logging into the sexy news to find out about a child watching pornography and it ruining them. Anyway, do you have an idea for a podcast? We've got really off track. That's fine. Yes. Yeah, I do.
00:15:11
Speaker
This one is called, well it's got two titles. I'm gonna go with Just Don't Add Water. Okay. That was my second attempt at a title for the same idea. The first was The Great Mashed Potato Experiment.
00:15:32
Speaker
Is this a this is just a chat show We also quiz our guest By making food items that require you to just add water and we pick a different Liquid instead of water and they have to guess you know that we've made ginger ale mashed potatoes or that we've That we've made
00:16:06
Speaker
Wait, is this the idea when you said you had a good one? Is this it? You misunderstood me. I was asking if you had a good one so that I could do my worst ones. Oh, no. I thought you had one that was a real solid one in the chamber and I was like, perfect. Absolutely not.
00:16:29
Speaker
I was like, yeah. No wait, what that meant was there is another one that's even worse than that that I won't be doing this week. I kind of like just don't add water. This is, I mean. I think it's a pretty solid idea. It's just whether we can get a guest in the same place as us to eat garbage. I mean, I think we could probably swing that. Okay.
00:16:56
Speaker
Boy, I like just don't add water. That's got legs. You got different products and different liquids every week. I mean, I think we should probably plan on doing more than one. Yeah, we can do a- We can prepare a whole meal for our guest. Or maybe we have the guest prepare the meal and then we have to guess.
00:17:24
Speaker
I think that finding a guest who will also make several courses of food that require them to just add water and then picking novel things to put into it might be a little bit too much to ask of a guest but
00:17:42
Speaker
I think we could do it where I make these things and then you and a guest both compete to see who can guess correctly. But I mean, this would just be a general chat show. I'm gonna let the food on the table direct the conversation somewhat, but you can bring up any sort of pet topics that you have as well.
00:18:10
Speaker
Pet topics, and I made these mashed potatoes with my cat's piss. That's just don't add water. I mean, I like this one enough that I don't wanna say some of the ideas for just add water foods. I have another idea. Man, I really wish that we'd finished that conversation because I thought you were saying,
00:18:40
Speaker
you had a real banger that was for sure the one you wanted to do this week. No, I didn't. And I intentionally put some of my worst ideas on this list. Okay. This one is a retread. It's a kind of, I, when we, during the holidays, when we recorded or we put together greatest hits, I've listened to a bunch of old episodes and there was,
00:19:10
Speaker
a recurring bit that made me laugh every time that it came up. And that is you doing a thing where you have your cum and you're trying to give it to a lady. It's a scenario. You're like, please take this. Oh, I made it for you. And I just,
00:19:41
Speaker
It tickles me to no end, the weird groveling voice, the situations you imagine where you have it in a bag or just holding it in your hands and being like, can we make a vase? So I wanna do a whole podcast called Please Take My Seed, where it would just be.
00:20:07
Speaker
Well, just you begging. I could just Jerry Lee Lewis my way through, or Jerry Lewis my way. Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry Lee Lewis. He didn't even ask. He just stole people's children. Yeah, Jerry Lee, you do not want to Jerry Lee Lewis your way through. Please take my seed podcast.
00:20:33
Speaker
But Jerry Lewis, you mean saying things like nice lady? Yeah, that's more or less what that voice is, I think. Yeah. It's a pretty straightforward idea. Actually, I'm a bit frightened by the fact that it's the one with the lowest barrier of entry for making a show. We don't have to do any research. We just have to beg.
00:20:57
Speaker
Maybe we can have some, I could do the Jerry Lewis one where it's like, oh boy. That's the noise you make. There's more than normal. But then you could be like the cool Jerry Lewis. I'm the Dean Martin of like, yeah, basically doing a ventriloquist act where the dummy is coming.
00:21:27
Speaker
Ah, so that's please take my seed. You got another idea? I do.
00:21:36
Speaker
This one's called the Itty Bitty Hitty Subcommittee. Okay. And I've had a similar idea to this before where we looked lower down the Billboard music chart, but this one is the dead bottom. This is where we go through and review every single song that hit 100 and no higher on the Billboard chart. Oh! Barely a hit.
00:22:07
Speaker
the itty bitty, hitty subcommittee. And I'm just, I typed it out and I just realized, subcommittee has three double letters in it, like bookkeeper or buccaneer. I was always very fascinated with
00:22:28
Speaker
Well, I mean, committee also has three doubles. Yeah, I guess. But we listen, I was trying to keep things at least a little on track here that we're talking about the subcommittee. What and what is a subcommittee? Now that you now that you mentioned it, I don't know. Well, it's just a committee within an already existing committee that does not include all members.
00:22:51
Speaker
But I chose it as part of the title because it's kind of like an itty bitty committee and it's... The subcommittee, yeah. And they're like, oh please step on my balls! There's so much of it! You gotta squish it out with your foot! I ran out of cups! And it's getting on the floor!
00:23:23
Speaker
Oh, it's everywhere. That's a different version of the Nutty Professor. It sure is. The busted Nutty Professor. The itty bitty, hitty subcommittee.
00:23:50
Speaker
And, uh, this also might allow us to play some music. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because, uh, none of these songs got above 100. So I don't even know if they put those ones into their algorithm to search. UMG isn't searching for, uh, well, do you have one? Do you have one queued up? I do not.
00:24:18
Speaker
I'm looking for one. I thought we had a hit on our hands right now. A Diddy Biddy hit on our hands.
00:24:33
Speaker
And I'd probably be going with older ones because I need to vet the fact that this didn't get to number one and it just made itself down down the charts, but Right now number 100 on its way down with the red arrow is Tennessee fan by Morgan Wallin
00:24:57
Speaker
For anybody who would like to know it's dropped several spots was at number 81 last week Peaked at number 49. So this wouldn't be no. No, we would have a Probably not the most songs. I think probably a lot of them don't stall out at number 100 and then fall off though at number 99 well
00:25:26
Speaker
It's new on the charts. That's why it's stalling out at number 99 right now. It's its first week painting pictures by superstar pride. Oh, Santa by Mariah Carey peaked at number 100. That's the other Mariah Carey Christmas song that never
00:25:56
Speaker
never made it into the... Now, was this its own separate single, or is this just the B-side off that one that's ubiquitous? This is from 2011, so that... I believe... all I want for Christmas is you... did... I think that they released it multiple times with the mixes, but... But I'm pretty sure that it didn't become a huge hit until...
00:26:26
Speaker
the 2010s. So that might be that once she started to get a bunch of traction off of All I Want for Christmas Is You, then she went back and recorded Oh Santa to try and get another Christmas hit. Sweet Georgia Brown by the Carroll Brothers. Also a song that peaked at number 100. I believe that's the
00:26:53
Speaker
Isn't that the song that the Harlem Globetrotters played? Sweet Georgia Brown? Sweet Georgia Brown. Oh yeah, that's what that is. Yeah. Also, leave it all to me. The iCarly theme song peaked at number 100. I'd be willing to do a deep dive into the Miranda Cosgrove discography.
00:27:23
Speaker
Learn all about the iCarly thing. You know, I've never watched iCarly. What's wrong with you? The newest song to have peaked at number 100 on this Billboard blog is 10 Feet Tall by Afrojack featuring Ravel.
00:27:57
Speaker
All right, I've got a list now Some of these people like oh These are actual record singles That peaked at 100. So these are even I've got a BJ Thomas The A side is happier than the morning sun and the B side is we have to get our ship together our ship ship
00:28:26
Speaker
oh that's clever ship happens by captain captain boat man most of these are very old but that's because they're actual record singles the list i'm looking at which they're all valid uh
00:28:54
Speaker
Let's see. What if Moby Dick from the novel Moby Dick made a song where he said ship instead of shit? And it was called Eat Ship and Die. And he just, it was like, you know, bites the ship and have, I've never read the book. I assume he bites the ship and has. It's pretty much just, I think Jaws was just a remake of Moby Dick, right? Jaws also Eat Ship and Die.
00:29:23
Speaker
All sharks want to do is eat, ship, charge they phone. Well, it's hot ship that they are leading, right? They eat a hot ship.
00:29:37
Speaker
All right, well...
Music Trivia and Funny Pitches
00:29:39
Speaker
Well, I've got a few more of these that only hit number 100, like Buck Owens and the Buckaroos. The A-side is big in Vegas. I would say not that big. And the B-side, white satin bed, stained by you taking a massive shit on it with this single buck. With a ship on it. He's got a little boat in a bottle.
00:30:07
Speaker
But there are a lot of them on here. There's a Fax Domino one when he covered the Beatles' Lady Madonna. Nobody wanted to hear that, apparently.
00:30:16
Speaker
That's sad. I feel bad for Fats Domino. Sounds good to me. I would listen to that. Did you ever realize that Chubby Checker, his name is just a play on Fats Domino? Yeah, but I knew that one of them was a play on the other and it took me a while to figure out which one was first. I just heard about that like maybe a month ago. It blew my mind. And I got the whole Buck Cherry thing.
00:30:48
Speaker
I was like, oh, I get it. But fast domino and chubby checker, right over my head. Could have fooled me. Do you think people can hear the train? We can't keep recording in the garage. As fun as it is to be out here, like it's our honeycomb hideout. So a lot of ambient noise getting into the mix. People are...
00:31:12
Speaker
Probably in the we don't have a podcast subreddit talking about how shitty it sounds There's so much bleed between the two mics. It doesn't even matter You want to touch mics Magic mic for touching mics
00:31:40
Speaker
They're never going to make a fourth Magic Mike movie. I wouldn't say it's out of the realm of possibilities because of how well this one does. What if Magic Mike as a franchise has the same trajectory as the Fast and the Furious? After this one, they make one that doesn't have any of the original actors in it.
00:32:06
Speaker
It's like almost like a direct-to-DVD shitty Magic Mike Tokyo Drift. And then after that, they bring back the original cast. They get them all. They got Kevin Nash back in the movie. Big sexy himself, but he's in a space suit. They're fighting Hitler.
00:32:33
Speaker
It just turns into a big sci-fi action franchise. I'd watch it, and I'd write it for free. Listen, if you're a big Hollywood guy and you're like, oh, I gotta come up with a movie, I'm right here, and my movie is called Magic Mike, Tokyo Drift, and you don't have to hire anybody, Channing Tatum, none of those guys,
00:33:01
Speaker
We're going to do this with local theater actors. We're getting the cast of the current cast of our local production of the pajama game. And they're going to do Magic Mike Tokyo Drift.
00:33:23
Speaker
okay alternatively uh if if if you know that you have to make this magic mic movie and you'd like to take a shotgun approach you can hire me as well and i'm going to write it like it's going to continue the rocky franchise
00:33:39
Speaker
So we're gonna have a couple of films where Magic Mike has to outdo a foreign exotic dancer, which they have the advantage on him because they are already, you know, just by virtue of being from another country, more exotic than Mike is. We get that guy, the guy from the internet, the little Chinese guy that does the trick where he like pulls the tablecloth off the table, but it's tied to his dick.
00:34:09
Speaker
You know that little guy? And then it's the new Cold War between us and China and Channing Tatum and that little Chinese guy. They have to try and outdo each other, but he's like blowing a ping pong ball around the roof with a leaf blower tied to his balls.
00:34:27
Speaker
Yeah. And once Channing Tatum ages out, then he gets to become an exotic dancer coach. Oh, that's right. Channing Tatum can't be in this because it's the Tokyo Drift one. So I guess... Well, yeah. I'm going to have one movie where he's not, and then we're going to bring him back in as the coach. Get him back in there as the coach. Yeah. Who's our bargain-pacement Channing Tatum, do you think?
00:34:59
Speaker
I guess that guy from Tokyo Drift isn't a movie star. So we could just find a guy who's kind of like a dumb hot guy and be like, hey, you're in our Magic Mike movie. We're doing one now. Yeah, we can just go do some private research at the Chippendales Clubs. We're there. We're like, we're doing research.
00:35:30
Speaker
Everyone's like, we don't care if you're here. We're just here doing greasy. We want this greasy guy to be in our movie. It's the first time that anybody's ever made this order to offer and they don't want you to rum all over us. Hey, how would you like to be in our movie? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Put that kimono back on.
00:35:58
Speaker
My God. Just going to the strip club and saying you're a movie producer. Have some decorum. Have some decorum. Never mind. Never mind. You're going to try and force yourself on me. Can you make a baby with this? You are suing a male stripper for going to the strip club.
00:36:26
Speaker
going to the press and being like, his penis looks like a boiled peanut. I never asked to show it to you. What the hell is this? This has happened again. My phone has just started playing music.
00:36:56
Speaker
I don't know why. Oh, it's probably because the name of the song is Yeah Yeah Whoa Oh No No. So I must have said something that sounded like that. But it's getting worse and worse, folks. The AI is getting stupider.
00:37:18
Speaker
We were on the bleeding edge of this. And they think we want it. They're getting to the point where it's compulsory. You must take some AI. Folks, AI is not a real thing as much as we like to pretend it is on the show. And with that said, let's go to our own special AI, the Podtron 4500.
Podcast Idea Generator
00:37:43
Speaker
Folks, the Podtron 4500 is an AI that we created.
00:37:47
Speaker
Trained by giving it a list of the most popular podcasts in the world. And then it analyzes that list of titles and generates a new list of podcasts for us. In the hopes that we can use that as a jumping off point to create our own hit podcast. Podcast titles like... Dan Legends!
00:38:17
Speaker
Oh, this would be, I mean, just a podcast about Dan legends. I don't know any Dan legends that I can think of off the top of my head. There's that one about Dan and the lions, Dan. Old Dan from the Bible. Indeed. OT Dan, we call him.
00:38:46
Speaker
from the, he was one of the original J's. Then what there's. Well, I mean there was. Daniel Boone. He could grin a bear out of a tree. There's that one about how Dan Aykroyd got the inspiration for his crystal head vodka.
00:39:11
Speaker
I'm not familiar. I visited by creatures not of this world that had potatoes of this world and made themselves a liquor from it and drank it out of their friends skulls. I thought for sure you were gonna say that they mix those potatoes with vodka instead of water.
00:39:37
Speaker
They were like, check this out, man. Oh, fuck, man. That's gotta be, that's gotta be one of them. We gotta make vodka mashed potatoes. Vodka mashed potatoes. Potato on potato crime. Man, I'm trying to think of, this whole done, I've been thinking about just adding things to dried foods. Dan Legends, the whole grinning a bear out of a tree thing, how does that work?
00:40:05
Speaker
I've always taken issue with the idea of Daniel Boone grinning a bear out of a tree. Do you just not have that sort of magnetic smile that attracts bears? This is supposed to be a good grin or a bad grin. Okay, yeah, no, if I were in a tree, I'd be down. Yeah, you haven't seen or heard a grin that words before.
00:40:33
Speaker
It's the revved up grin. Yeah. I guess maybe that's my problem. I'm not. I'm just smiling warmly. Got two front teeth like table saws. Just sounding like Bob Dylan.
00:40:53
Speaker
Trying to get out of bed at the moment. Somebody leave a power for one? He just toots a little bit from all his training. Dan Legends.
00:41:08
Speaker
Here's some other, I mean, we get Daniel Radcliffe. Mm-hmm, Daniel Craig, Danny Glover, Dan Marino, Danny Bonaducci. I bet Danny Bonaducci's got some legends. I think that he refused to bathe while he was making the Partridge family, and like nobody wanted to deal with them because he was just like a really stinky kid. Yeah, I mean, he seems like...
00:41:32
Speaker
And I mean, we're making a show about hippies who pretty much live on a fucking bus, but come on, Danny. Did Danny, Danny Bonaducci didn't die, right? No, he is very much still alive. Well, that's good, you know?
00:41:47
Speaker
I thought for sure he was dead because I haven't seen him in a while. He got muscly later on in life. He did do, I mean he was like a VH1 guy. VH1 keeps like paying me to talk about stuff. Well see that's what I was thinking was that he stopped doing the VH1 shows and he stopped doing celebrity boxing and I just thought, well he probably died. But it sounds like he made enough money from trading on what a terrible celebrity he was.
00:42:16
Speaker
that he was able to actually retire after not getting his fortune from being the lovable child from the Partridge family. And I say, good for you, Danny. Truly, you are a Dan legend in your own right. And he probably also, like, did anal with one of the Brady Bunch kids, so...
00:42:38
Speaker
Did he die? He did not die, but when I searched where is Danny Bonaducci now the first article that comes up says Danny Bonaducci mystery illness made me lose ability to speak comma walk Bonaducci who is sober but previously struggled with substance abuse has been co-hosting the Danny Bonaducci and serum warning show
00:43:07
Speaker
That's how the article starts, but that's all they give me. I don't want to click on it. Oh, there's a paywall to find out why. Oh, no, there's not. I just don't care. So he potentially is hosting a morning radio show where he can't talk or walk. Yeah, and the muscles are gone because that was 20 years ago, and he just looks very opiate-ish now. Oh, good for- wait, but can he talk?
00:43:34
Speaker
Is he still not, he does, man, that was, I like Danny Bonaducci without the, he was starting to get a triple H face in the 90s. Well, that article continues that I couldn't walk at all, Bonaducci62 said on Good Morning America. Okay, so he's talking on Good Morning America. He's at least talking.
00:43:59
Speaker
And I saw the picture of him with a cane. I think he might be walking with a cane now. They rolled him into the studio of Good Morning America and his craftmatic adjustable bed. And then he had the mister spell and he was just typing things out. I couldn't walk. And then Kathy laid and hodled his drunk asses. They're asking him what it was like doing anal with the brain button.
00:44:29
Speaker
All right, do you have an idea for the Podron? Yes, I do. This one is called Aaron Carter and Media and Media and America. Aaron Carter, that's with a double A. Double A, Ron Carter and Media.
00:44:48
Speaker
and media and America. Which I think you have to remember your order of operations on this one. Imagine that there are parentheses around Aaron Carter in media and then also a separate set of parentheses around media and America. And we're going to do foil. We're doing pen desk on Aaron Carter in media and media and America. Yeah, that's right.
00:45:14
Speaker
we're so Aaron Carter as far as the media that I'm aware of there's audio and video that's true yeah he dabbled in a bit of both and then media and America that's even more types of
00:45:33
Speaker
I mean, have you opened your front door? There's probably a newspaper in there. Open it up. Aaron Carter died six months ago. And they still won't stop printing his obituary. He put all of his money into obituaries and perpetuity. Is that a thing? Oh, you know, how much does it cost to put an obituary out?
00:46:00
Speaker
I don't know, but I mean, if you had that much money, why give it to your children when you can buy full page ads in the New York Times for like a few months anyway? Could you imagine? Yeah, my fortune, not much. But what I could do is set aside a little bit of money to just have like a full page ad about how I died in the New York Times.
00:46:26
Speaker
And then for a year afterwards, just a little write up about how I died every day in the newspaper. Just a new obituary. Just, it says, continued tomorrow. It has the date and then like due to tomorrow. Like it's a serialized obituary.
00:46:47
Speaker
So people get invested in it and then they go back and they discover all of my other stuff that I did. And then that's when the money starts rolling in. Can you get a QR code engraved into your headstone? Yes, you can. I've seen it. It's a real thing. My God. Fuck. Don't do it. I thought I came up with a thing. You did come up with a thing.
00:47:13
Speaker
came up with a bad thing and other people, bad people had also done it. Anyways, that's. That's Aaron Carter and media and media and America. Which, yeah, I think that's pretty good that we ended up talking about the media of headstones and underrated media.
00:47:39
Speaker
Put a good quote on there. You didn't come up with one yourself, start thumbing through Bartlett's, baby. There's a bunch of cemeteries near my house and there's one that I was going through, I was going on a walk
00:48:07
Speaker
through the cemetery and I discovered a headstone where this guy had outlived his wife and buried her and then gotten remarried and then he- Double stacked those coffins? He added like a second side pitch gravestone. He put his second wife off to the side.
00:48:35
Speaker
Could he outlive her too? Or did she be like, yeah, I'm still down to go one day. It's attached to the original gravestone. Like he's in between the two of them. Like, pips never die. It's a pretty cool gravestone. And I hope that someday I get to do that.
00:48:57
Speaker
My wife doesn't listen to this shit. I just somehow get all of my, every ex-girlfriend that I ever had gets buried with me. Like, even the ones that got married to someone else, they're like, sorry, the deal's a deal.
00:49:20
Speaker
When they die, their families find out that they accidentally signed some sort of contract that says that they have to be buried in my grave, in my family grave plot. They thought I was just the least to an apartment, but I had some contact paper under there and my contract as well. It's just an entire graveyard and people are like, well, these, every single one of these is a lady that granddad had sex with.
00:49:50
Speaker
Incredible. Talk about a body count. Then you get like a life-size statue of you looking fucking ripped like Danny Monodushi up there. Yeah, it's a giant statue. You got a giant statue of yourself and then a circular pattern of graves around.
00:50:19
Speaker
people are going to assume that you fucked these women to death and you want to get out in front of that and have some sort of sign at the gate of the graveyard that says, it just says nothing but natural causes. You don't want to say, you don't want the sign to say no one in this graveyard was fucked to death because that's going to put the idea in their heads. You just say nothing but natural causes.
00:50:47
Speaker
Of course, then if anyone... But you kind of are a natural cause. A beastman who fucks all that he sees to death. Yeah, to be fair... A coital tornado. Yeah, to be fair, anyone who dies from self-inflicted death
00:51:18
Speaker
because they had sex with you, that also counts as natural causes and it doesn't ping anything on the natural causes meter according to the rules of our sex graveyard. You're like last remaining living lover. Another cradle tornado tears through Kansas and they're like, that's pretty bad. Well, look over here, she's seen an F5.
00:51:49
Speaker
When she dies, she's going to Nathan's graveyard. He asked me with his five. All right. I got, I got another, another, uh, Padron title. This one's called Shandar gets shit dusted. And I guess we got to figure out who Shandar is.
00:52:19
Speaker
Whoever they are. Shandar. Shandar. Yeah, it's got a kind of Conan for a... The Lothar. Yeah. Shandar is getting shit dusted. And I was imagining just helping tidy up around the house. But also maybe... Maybe a barbarian does better dusting than you do. I was thinking maybe a barbarian likes to get wet.
00:52:50
Speaker
getting dusted on that PCP. Could you imagine, I mean, talk about, everybody's talking about the cocaine bear. Could you imagine the PCP caveman? What a hell of a movie that'd be. Do you think we could get a Schwarzenegger in on this? PCP, oh man. So he's literally Conan the Barbarian, but he's also on that dust.
00:53:19
Speaker
Yeah. Oh man. And also he might have to have some dust or two. I mean, one thing that I will say from having lived in rough neighborhoods and seen people on PCP and having watched barbarian movies is that the common thread is a complete, a lack of shame when it comes to public nudity. Fair enough.
00:53:52
Speaker
The thing that we don't see a lot of in Barbarian films is the classic PCP move of while you're naked in public.
00:54:02
Speaker
You squat down and start slapping the ground with the palms of both hands at the same time. I have no idea what that move is. And it's the mystery of not knowing why people on PCP need to slap the ground. I've seen that one other place. And it's the try hard defensive move in college basketball.
00:54:26
Speaker
Once they make it to the pros, they don't do it anymore. But a college basketball defender will often slap that hardwood to say, this is my space. You can't get around me. Oh, do you think that's what like the Coney 2012 guy was trying to say to the police? No, I think it is a complete just it just.
00:54:50
Speaker
There's not connection between them. But they do the same thing. It makes me want to do PCP just to find out what it's all about. When I see this guy slapping on the ground, I'm like, okay, what is it? Is it a sensory thing?
00:55:08
Speaker
Like I, like, I mean. It's connection to the earth. It's, yeah. It's not enough. You got thick, you know, callous-y skin on your feet. I need to get, I need to start slapping this shit. Getting those shoes and socks off, isn't it? On the ground. I need to feel the pavement under my hands. Yeah. Listen, I don't want to joke around about doing drugs.
00:55:36
Speaker
You have my sincere promise that I will never try PCP. Same here. You can take that to the bank. I won't even try cocaine. Oh, and you're showing me a picture of a Duke basketball player who is slapping the ground like he's on PCP in the middle of a basketball game. That is a silly move. No one should do that.
00:56:04
Speaker
And that's how you end up getting randomly selected for a drug test in college basketball. It's often Duke players that are famous for doing it, and that's how you know that there's no connection. Because all of those kids are rich even before they get a full scholarship to Duke. Yeah, those Duke kids don't. I mean, they're doing other drugs for sure, but they're not doing PCP.
00:56:33
Speaker
PCP, look, I'm not saying, you know, that I think that drugs should be illegal. I think that there should be safe ways for people to try drugs. I don't think it should be criminalized or anything like that. I mean, like, there's a lot of promising research going into the use of, you know, so. Escape rooms, yeah.
00:57:04
Speaker
Because you can't escape them until you're off of the drugs. Yeah, there's, you know, people are using MDMA for, you know, therapy and ketamine. I would also like to see Angel Dust.
00:57:25
Speaker
for given to our most milk toast of citizens. Just any time that there's a situation where someone needs to fight the cops, we can just, we drag a little Dilbert looking guy out and we give him, we give him that ice and just see what happens. Not ice. Ice is a different one. Yeah. Give him some of that too. Well, give him trucker meth and PCP and turn him loose.
00:57:52
Speaker
Well, we tell him he's Catbert first. Because that's the evil one. We tell him he's Catbert. And then we tell him that the dirty cops who are on the run from the law, that they're Dogbert. And then that's all it takes after that. He's going to do some things that we can't show on television.
00:58:21
Speaker
That's Shandar gets shit dusted. All right. You got one more? Yeah, this one is called if me smarted.
00:58:33
Speaker
if me smarted. It's reminiscent of flowers for Algernon. Well, I think that this is actually one in which we go back through our past podcasts and find the dumbest things that we've ever said. And then we have the floor for a set period of time in which we try to justify why they aren't that dumb. Okay.
00:59:02
Speaker
So we have to find some of our dumbest moments. I'm definitely. Which I will go ahead and we have many, many, many, many, many episodes. I don't think I'll have to listen to that many to come up with enough ideas to fill an hour of me defending, me saying stupid things. I could probably listen to like three episodes and be like, oh yeah, my cup overfloweth.
00:59:29
Speaker
I feel like just this one, I'm gonna have to go back and listen to it to edit it down and yeah, I'll probably have, my dance card will be full. Absolutely. If me smarted, it's kind of like OJ Simpson's If I Did It, but for us being dumb guys. Yeah.
00:59:56
Speaker
All right, folks. Well, oh, wait, no, we need to decide on this. Yeah, we have to pick. Here's the rundown. We've got this shouldn't be news to you worms. Just don't add water. Please take my seat. The itty bitty, hitty subcommittee. Pause for the plane. Dan Legends, Aaron Carter and Media and Media in America.
01:00:23
Speaker
Shandar gets shit dusted and if we smarted If me smarted. Yeah. Yeah But I'm gonna go ahead and say as much worry as there was about there not being doable ideas The only two I wouldn't do are the the very last two pod trons Shandar and if me smarted are out, but really I kind of like every other idea um
01:00:52
Speaker
I do like just don't add water a lot. It's daunting though. I don't know that we have the time to crank that out. Maybe we put that in a pile, a separate pile called maybe we do this as a special. Let's say, let's do that. Like if the opportunity presents itself, we'll do that one. Okay. And if not, the B side of this one is what?
01:01:23
Speaker
I think the itty bitty, itty sub committee where we could just discover music that hit 100 on the charts and never got, or I guess it would be in the 101 would be. It never made it into the hot 100.
01:01:42
Speaker
Well, either way is fine. We can hash that out. Folks, if you want to hear the itty bitty hitty subcommittee, head on over to patreon.com slash we don't have a podcast yet, or to make it easier, go to whitehouse.boats.
01:01:57
Speaker
and sign up to support the show. There's also like hundreds of other episodes that we've done that you can listen to. We've got some real good ones. We just did one last week where we reviewed tools from Harbor Freight. You can listen to that. Also follow us on social media and leave us a review on Spotify or iTunes or wherever it is that you're listening to.
01:02:24
Speaker
Our show. Thank you for listening. I'm Nathan B. Woodard. I'm Andrew James Estis. Good night!
01:02:51
Speaker
You could have done something But you didn't try You didn't do nothing You'd ever walk by