Transcript
Speaker: Folks, awards season is here upon us. That's right. It's the honors that we've all been talking about for months, and now the day is finally here.
Speaker: It's the Best Friend Awards! Good evening folks and welcome to the 138th annual Best Friend Awards. Tonight we are here to honor the best friends in the world. I believe it was Woodrow Wilson who once said, friendship is the only cement that can hold the world together. And you know what? I think he was right about that.
Speaker: I also think he was wrong when he said the white men were roused to a mere instinct of self -preservation, until at last there had sprung into existence a great Ku Klux Klan, a veritable empire of the South to protect the Southern country. But tonight, we are not here to honor Woodrow Wilson. Not only because he was a virulent racist, but also because he, unlike the majority of racists,
Speaker: did not have a podcast. Podcasting has been called the great equalizer, the truest American art form, and even the best way to sell mattresses using murder.
Speaker: Podcasts have the amazing ability to bring us together, but not really. The magic of podcasting transports us to a room with several mid -tier stand -up comics who we've never met in real life, and they convince us that those are our closest friends. The Best Friend Awards honor the greatest friends in the world of podcasting, specifically those who are the greatest friends to other people who are the hosts of the same podcast.
Speaker: So let's get to it. Ladies and gentlemen, and the best friend award goes to Nathan B. Woodard. Oh wow. Oh my God. What an honor. Thank you so much to you all.
Speaker: Oh, my gosh, where to start? Oh, I want to thank my beautiful wife, Laura, and our four amazing children, our two cats and our one dog. I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me. You have no idea how much of a dream come true. This has been this whole journey. I want to thank the Academy of Best Friendship for putting together this event. Thank you to all the hardworking men and women behind the scenes.
Speaker: Without you guys, this event could not come together. I want to thank my manager, Tim Build -A -Bear. Thank you to Ron Howard and everyone at Imagine Entertainment. Thank you to my middle school teacher, Mrs. Carmen, for telling me that I can be someone's best friend if I just stop biting. Thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, of course. Thank you to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gives me the strength to wake up every day and be the best friend I can be. Thank you to all the listeners of the podcast. You appreciate what a good friend I am.
Speaker: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, of course. I want to thank most of all the person without who I could not be a best friend, Christopher Winfrey, the CEO of Charter Communications, who gives me the internet I need to be my best potential friend. Thank you. I'm really regretting not sending a sashine little feather to
Speaker: this award show in my stead. This is a real kick in the pants.
Speaker: It's it's la la land all over again. It's it's like that time Ben Affleck won an Academy Award and they just talked about how much work marriage was in his speech. Folks, we don't have a podcast yet. We tried we tried to do a podcast about the bottom of the top 100 charts.
Speaker: And we were duped by a bad spreadsheet. Truly tricked. I don't even bother. If you, if you haven't signed up for Patreon, don't even bother signing up. It's tainted now by our podcast where we spent an hour mocking songs for not being higher than 100 on the charts. Only to find out that they were in fact, all higher than 100 on the charts.
Speaker: I want to say a, a special apology to a baby Washington, the R and B singer who had a hard enough time without us making fun, losing her baby and everything. But that's not what we're here to do. No, not at all. We're here to come up with an idea.
Speaker: Not to not to look we could sit here and armchair quarterback our old episodes. Some might say that we do sit here and armchair quarterback our old episodes. I'm more of a guy. Yeah, couch quarterback. I don't even own an armchair. I have a rocking chair. I'm just waiting for the day that they can, you know, make a hot tub.
Speaker: Couch sized one where I'm not going to slop water all over my living room. Yeah, I want the rocking hot tub. Oh, just get that thing going. Do you think it'll work better as a traditional rocking chair or a glider?
Speaker: because the rocking chair tilts, which is just going to pour water out. But the glider is going to get some good sloshing going. I think you're going to have to rewrite the entire rocking rule book, because I don't think this thing can have a ladder back either. That's just asking for Trump. The traditional Amish ladder back bathtub.
Speaker: That's why they never bathe. I don't know. Do the Amish have any rules against hoses? I think they do, right? Isn't that? I don't know where the where do they stand on plumbing? I just feel like, well, plumbing uses no electricity. They should be good there. Now, the water heater.
Speaker: That's electric Yeah, probably taking some really quick cold showers. It could be gas you could have a gas water heater Or one of those goofy solar ones like Jimmy Carter Mm -hmm. Maybe they're just making like Sun tea Sun hot water. Oh Yeah, yeah bathtub Out on the counter there and they have a gigantic
Speaker: Mason jar and at the end of the week, all the Amish, they line up and they jump in. They take, they unscrew the giant cap off of the big Mason jar and they all tie a rope around their waists. They jump in and they think that worst tea you've ever tasted. Yeah. Usually when everybody talks about their apple butter. People are very into the Amish stuff. Don't get Amish.
Speaker: Don't drink Amish tea. It's Amish sun tea. It's mostly, it's mostly Mr. Graber's pubes. Yeah. Well, do you have an idea for a podcast? I do. And, uh, if there's one thing that America loves even more than an award show, it's an election, but a lot of times elections are for, uh,
Speaker: Boring things and this is not that this is you matchmaker you comma America and this is a show in which We Set forth Possible couplings and let America decide Which of your favorite celebrities would you like to be forced to marry one another? Oh my god
Speaker: This is a great idea. And honestly, now that you've put the idea in my head, I'm, I'm mad retroactively for every year that I've been alive and been mad that two celebrities weren't dating. Why was I not allowed to have a say in this? Everything that they do is for my dollar and they consult me.
Speaker: Their marriages are shams anyway. Why can't they be our shams? All right. So who do you got? Oh, in which category? I think that, uh, I think that I would like to see is Joe Pesci married yet. Yet is he like, is there some sort of a thing where. Scamp.
Speaker: Joseph Pesci? Did he get like a letter in the mail that his rich uncle died and would leave him his fortune if he's married before midnight? Is he still going through his going steady phase? He's just playing the field. Yeah. You know, there's too much time left to be tied down to anything. What's that Joe Pesci song? That's...
Speaker: I shouldn't have brought this up because I don't know it well enough. Are you talking about wise guy? Is she rap? No, there's one. It's on that album. But it's just where he's just like saying like, hey, women are bitches. I don't like women. It's it's pretty catchy.
Speaker: He did a cover of got to get you into my life that that would be appropriate for our program here Here it is We got
Speaker: Yeah, that's what I was thinking of. Okay. Me? I'd like to see Matt Damon. I'm sorry. And Joe Pesci? And Ben Vereen. Oh, okay. Little Matt and Ben. Oh, but it's Ben Vereen.
Speaker: the mayor of Zubli Zoo, and he's dressed in the Zubli Zoo makeup. And they have a big royal wedding. Royal wedding for what country? Is this turning into what I think it is? Not only are we arranging a marriage, but for our own American king and queen? That's right. America is a country founded on
Speaker: democracy. And if democracy says that these two should be wed, then they have the mandate of heaven. They could do no wrong in our eyes. Now they give him a hot dog scepter and a good old apple pie crown. This is a really good idea. They should, we should have a king and a queen, but
Speaker: We get the kid's choice, who the king and queen are like prom. Cause you know, the Donald Trump, he would have won anyway, but he would have had a different wife. Oh yeah. I would probably vote for someone who would be disgusted by Trump. I, well, I was imagining that if it's prom rules.
Speaker: You don't get to vote for a couple, you vote for them individually. So it'd be first place Donald Trump, second place Hillary Clinton. That's right. And is that wedding bells I hear? Kiss each other. We make them kiss.
Speaker: Honestly, a great idea. Yeah. America. We went out of gay president way sooner. Rocking hot tub, sitting at home, getting titillated by what a hot kiss that is. It's not just because I have my privates near the water jet. Yeah. Yeah. The kids choice award for, or wait, is it the kids choice award or it has to be the teen choice awards. I don't think they're not letting the kids get horny. Are they?
Speaker: I don't think we can stop them anymore. Choicest lip lock goes to the inauguration of King Donald and Queen Hillary. All the kids and the kids choice award, they have to come up and kiss on stage in front of the kids and then we slime them.
Speaker: And I don't know if, if this, we might have a very, very long. Election, uh, for this podcast, because I think what we have to do is throw every famous person into a pool and then see the world's largest single elimination tournament. It's like, it's like, uh, it's like blood sport, but for kissing.
Speaker: They're just all in there smooching each other, like something out of a gladiator movie, just writhing celebrity bodies, just lips everywhere.
Speaker: Yeah. And now I'm wondering if in the old gladiatorial games, if they wouldn't have been better served by more than just two hand gestures, thumbs up or thumbs down. They also could have done that thing where you interlace your fingers and make like a humping sort of. You could do the one where you go like this. So your middle fingers go. Yeah. You could do blow a little kiss.
Speaker: Oh, and then the little thing. Yeah, that one. Mm hmm. A salute. Do the little rascal salute with your fingers under your chin. Boy, oh boy, they could have had a whole a whole language worked out. Instead, just thumbs up, thumbs down. Yeah, this this also goes for at the movies with
Speaker: Siskel and Ebert. Oh, yeah. I give this one. I blow it a little kiss and then I wink at it. And then I pull on my left ear. Yeah, I give this this film three licks. Got me right to the center, if you know what I mean. And the departed steals third base that read the review wrong.
Speaker: That's you matchmaker, you America. All right. I got one. This is called podsaurus. All right. The podcast thesaurus. And so this would be where. We would just take a word every week, every week that the show would be about a new word and we would explore. Other synonyms and antonyms for that word.
Speaker: So this week on Podsaurus, maybe we'd, you know, the word is penis, also known as a wang, also sometimes known as a dong or donger. Yeah. And, uh, actually a wang is a short shortening of a wing wanger. My, my father's preferred nomenclature. You can call it a, you can call it a pud.
Speaker: You can call it a jimmer jammer. Call it a phallus if you like. Perhaps your pee pee. Your purple headed yogurt slinger. Yep. Your John Thomas. Your wee willy winky. Uh, the propagator. The old pink lizard. The Mormon hose. Rascal flats.
Speaker: Groundhog, what? Yeah. Just the groundhog. Oh, he must've seen his shadow. Oh, he went in. Yeah. That's Podsaurus. I think we pretty much, we nailed that one. We know what we're working with here. Do you got another one?
Speaker: Oh, another podcast idea or another name for a penis? We haven't done some pretty, pretty big ones. I mean, we haven't used, I don't think we've said cock prick, Dick, Peter, pecker. Oh, I'm going to put some like sexy music.
Speaker: Do you have another idea for a podcast? I, I sure do. And it's called Cock, Dig, Prick, Picker, Piss Blood. Okay. Uh, this one is called never don't get it again.
Speaker: And what this is, is a podcast where any sort of media that you want, all the way down through history, we can do movie films, we can do television shows, magazine articles, we can do books, we can do...
Speaker: Just, uh, things that you heard, uh, down at the body shop. But what this is, is we're going to explain jokes to you so that you don't miss a thing. So this is essentially like when you're a child and you watch cartoons and you don't get like, when they make Bugs Bunny look like Edward G. Robinson. That, that sort of thing. Yes. Or, uh,
Speaker: Perhaps you're a kid and you just decide that you wanna watch something even more grown up than Bugs Bunny. Are you talking about Tom and Jerry? Yeah, yeah. I'm talking about Tom and Jerry. They also probably made an Edward G. Robinson joke, but you already know that. Well, we'll give you a little refresher on Edward G., but you'll be fielding that one yourself, probably.
Speaker: But I'm thinking more like maybe the little bit more adult humor of perhaps a sitcom that your parents watch without you, you know? Yeah. I don't know what's all the rage these days. But I remember my parents watching Cheers while I was growing up and being like, I don't know what the hell they are talking.
Speaker: They're all laughing and laughing. And this is nobody is getting hit over the head with a hammer. There are no pies in any faces. At least not that they're showing Edward G. Robinson impression. Yeah, that's the biggest problem. That's my biggest complaint with Cheers.
Speaker: Is that there aren't enough, there aren't enough times that the characters suddenly their face morphs and they go, you dirty rat. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that somebody did do that on Cheers. It was a simpler time. You could get away with just doing that. Yeah. I think Kelsey Grammer probably did it a few times. Never don't get it again. Or like.
Speaker: in Bill and Ted when they meet themselves from the future. And they're like, if you're us, what number are we thinking of? And then they all yell 69, bro. And when I was a kid, I was like, how did they know that? I seriously thought that it was like an incredible coincidence.
Speaker: But it turns out that that could be a very fun episode where we, uh, let people let, let the, let the kiddies in on that, that little bit of info, you know? Yeah. We'll do the first podcast for kids where we talk about 69. I remember, uh, being aware of that number and it having some sort of importance and not knowing what it was.
Speaker: You know that's a rite of passage being like okay this is an important number if anybody ever says this number laugh you have no idea why. I went with great concern to my friend and asked him what it meant.
Speaker: And then he, he was like, it's like from sex. Okay. Look. And then he wrote 69 on his piece of paper. And then he goes, look at it. Get it.
Speaker: and I felt so stupid because I still didn't get it, but now in this moment, I think I realized he didn't get it either and was just trying to bluff. Somebody did that to him. He was passing the onus on to you. He was like, look, you get it. And I remember thinking like, oh, is it supposed to be like two sperms doing some results? I, it's...
Speaker: It's when you put your penis onto a boob. And then two big sperms to shoot out like, like two little tadpoles. This is honestly, this is an idea for a podcast that I think would be useful from my own time as a child. There were so many things that I was,
Speaker: curious about, but couldn't ask my parents and not because they wouldn't have told me, but because they would have told me, and that would be weird and gross. Kids need a way to learn these things, but unfortunately it's only appropriate for them to learn it from other kids. That's true. I can't be like, well, what you do is you got to spell the alphabet out. I should not be telling a kid that.
Speaker: And not just because that's terrible advice. Could you imagine if you were in the in the acts of. Sexual. Whatever. And then you suddenly realized someone was trying to spell the alphabet on you. What if they you also realized that they didn't know all the letters? You skipped a few.
Speaker: You said there instead of there. I felt there was an apostrophe. Never don't get it again. Well, this is, we would have to, we have to give this podcast to children so that they could explain to other children. I think that you, you are seizing on the children aspect of it and missing the fact that many, many adults don't get a lot of jokes.
Speaker: That's true. That's true. I don't know how often people angrily post onion articles saying getting very angry about the contents, not understanding satire. And also we could.
Speaker: perhaps use other, uh, more popular podcasts than our own and, uh, largely just play that podcast, but this is a learning tool. Yeah, that's a, that's a good idea. Yeah. So we could, uh, we could just, every episode just fire up a podcast. We got Joe Rogan and we just start at the beginning and we, and then we just wait.
Speaker: wait for him to make a reference so esoteric that we have to step in and explain. At that point, when you hear this tone, that means that we're going to pop in there and you can pause your version of the podcast and there's an annotation that we're providing for you. We could, it's like pop -up video.
Speaker: Yeah, and now I'm thinking about how the sound that the pop -ups make in pop -up video is probably similar to the sound that your two large sperm make when they pop out. Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. And then it's so you can listen to our special never don't get it again edition of Dennis Miller, Dennis Miller stand up.
Speaker: And it just sounds like we're popping our sperms off every couple of seconds. Yeah. Yeah. We could also do, uh, do they do audio books of joke books? Oh, that's pretty good. That's, uh, you know, 199 dino jokes as read by. Oh.
Speaker: Yeah, we could just get a joke book and record the audio book version of a joke book. I don't think anybody's doing audio joke books. I think that they could be a big hit. You know, people are going to their office. They know they've got a big meeting and maybe we have some really great dinosaur jokes for them that would kill in that meeting. Yeah.
Speaker: Absolutely. Or perhaps, uh, uh, you know, you're the best man at a wedding and you got to give a toast and you're probably going to want to start out with a few dinosaur jokes. Yeah. Yeah. You, you, you got up at your friend. It's your, your sister, your younger sister's wedding.
Speaker: And ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, you're dinging on the glass, you know, with a fork. And then, uh, for those of you who don't know who I am, I am the bride's older sister. Uh, and I've been asked to say a few words. Let me just start off with what do you call a gay dinosaur?
Speaker: It seems inappropriate, but they were going with a whole gay dinosaur theme for the wedding. And they're like, oh, Megasaur hats. We never even thought of that. All right. I got an idea for a podcast. All right. What's that? This is called, I wish I could give it less than one star.
Speaker: This would be a podcast where we explore the most negative reviews on the internet, specifically ones where the person says, I wish I could give it less than one star. It's it's long been known that this is one of the greatest flaws in the five star rating system is the inability to give zero stars.
Speaker: Sometimes a half star is available, but for most internet rating systems, it's a one to five star rating, zero not being an option, which it really does seem unfair when you think about like some of the reviews you see, the fact that they're making you give a star for something that by all rights has no need
Speaker: to have 120 percent. I saw a thing on eBay where a guy was selling an electric worm collector, which is essentially just two metal probes that you stick into the ground and then plug into an outlet and it electrifies the dirt and makes the worms come out so you can take them for fishing. And the review said
Speaker: One of these killed my uncle one star. That seemed like it makes it seem like his uncle is kind of an asshole or something. Maybe he was, I don't know, but I feel like that guy should have been able to say zero stars. One of these killed my uncle 20 % good. So are we going to be the arbiters of whether, uh,
Speaker: review is worthy of zero stars. Would it be a situation in which yes one star is the lowest you can go unless you've had a hearing with Nathan and AJ and then per
Speaker: their decision, perhaps we can go down to no stars. We could definitely add. You've got a dead uncle on your hands. By all means, let me take a star away. Dead uncles to the front of the line. Now let me ask you, that uncle, he didn't touch you, did he? Hey, this guy's complaining about a coffin that says world's greatest uncle. Get to the back of the line, buddy.
Speaker: Oh, he did touch you back to the front of the line. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think in some situations, uh, we could rule going the other way that, uh, actually that's a two star where you, I don't agree with your assessment.
Speaker: Not that bad. We're throwing another star in there. We're giving your dead molested uncle two stars. How entitled are you? You get two star service and you automatically want to give it no stars? I cried because I had a touchy uncle in a coffin that said world's greatest uncle until I met a man who had no coffin for his touchy uncle.
Speaker: But mostly I was just thinking about exploring the most negative reviews we could find and presenting them as maybe a bit of a public service, you know, so that other people don't get fooled into, you know, doing this stuff. But I like the idea of us bestowing
Speaker: our own seal of approval to negative reviews. You know how they'll have like the verified reviews sometimes will be like, Oh yeah, this person sent us a receipt. So we know that they actually ate there. And then, so we know that they spent $8 on some really dry chicken. We could, we could add maybe talk, we'll talk to Amazon and see if we can't get a little, a little checkmark.
Speaker: they can go next to a review where we've double checked their work and it checks out. All right, let's go to the hotline. Then we also have a, oh, okay, all right. No, what else do we have? I was gonna say we need something in addition to the check mark to say that this person is chicken littling.
Speaker: Oh, you know, the sky is not falling. This this zero star review is indicative of bad apple, bad apple getting getting the review. We could I mean, we we do have in this scenario the ability to add stars to review, which would make the person look foolish. We could also maybe just have a like a button that
Speaker: changes all the negative words to positive words. Then we'd say, this was the best sandwich I ever had. My aunt never touched me.
Speaker: And it might be helpful for us to really take in the entire body of work of these reviewers. If we see one reviewer, we find that they only give out one -star reviews. They probably need a lot of peer assessment from us, reassessment. Yeah. I mean, that's the sort of thing that
Speaker: you would expect out of other kinds of reviews. You know, you might say like, well, I didn't get it at the time. You know, I thought that Gone Fishin with Danny Glover and Joe Pesci was a terrible movie. But then now I think with with enough distance between me and the movie and having seen its writers body of work,
Speaker: Whether it be Cloverfield or those Return of the Jedi, the new Star Wars movies. Alias. The was it called nine millimeter? Eight millimeter. Eight millimeters, the snuff, the Nicholas Cage, no thriller Super eight. Boy, they were playing with fire with that, huh?
Speaker: That named it after a different format of eight, eight millimeter home movie film. This one's about kids and an alien. The other one that's just for mommy and daddy to watch later. JJ Abrams wrote gone fishing. And after seeing all the great stuff he's done, I guess I have to admit that gone fishing is a 10.
Speaker: 10 plus borderline 11 movie. Out of a hundred, right? We were talking real one star material. I have not gone back and reassessed on this. I did watch it with my kids recently and it, I was, I was mostly joking about the fact that JJ Abrams
Speaker: is celebrated as some sort of a great writer and director. And I don't think there's any of his stuff that I want to rewatch over and over. It's all pretty boring. Anyway, let's go to the hotline. OK.
Speaker: Folks, if you have an idea for a podcast, you can reach out to us. Please give us your ideas. You can leave us a voicemail at the podcast hotline. That's 702 P O D C A S P or we don't have a podcast yet at gmail .com. And here is this. Here's, let me try that again. And folks here is
Speaker: Our voicemail of the week. Does someone breathing.
Speaker: And that's it. But wait, they called back. A minute later, we got a second call from the same phone number. Oh, and that was called number two. Whoever you are, please. We need to know. Can't just do that. A moment of silence and then call back and say hello and then hang up.
Speaker: What is this moment of silence? That's the podcast idea. It's where we just have a moment of silence. Honestly, easiest idea in the world. Uh, well, we'll have to make sure that the, uh, editing software doesn't, uh, just upload our, uh,
Speaker: introduction and our closer. Yeah, it automatically delete. We have the delete silences. It just shortens the podcast to nothing. And honestly, I just I'm realizing that's what's going to do to the voicemail. Yeah, it's probably for the best for all you listeners out there. There was roughly 30 seconds of silence.
Speaker: I believe it was exactly 30 seconds of silence with a little bit of rustling denim or something going on. All right, let's just go right on into the Podtron. Folks, the Podtron 4500 is an artificial intelligence that we trained by giving it a list of all the most popular podcasts in the world. And then it analyzes that information and generates a new list of titles.
Speaker: that it thinks could be winning podcasts, podcast titles like tugboat, tugboat, tugboat. Our first pod Tron idea of the week is a little project called tugboat. Okay. Maybe this isn't the tugboat that you're thinking of. This isn't your daddy's tugboat.
Speaker: This is a premium cruise for people who enjoy getting massages where they yank you off at the end.
Speaker: I was sort of wondering why they call it a tugboat, not a tow boat, because I was thinking all it did was pull other boats, but apparently they're used to push and pull boats. They can even rub on the boats a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Going up and down and up and down. Tugboat, probably cutest boat, right? Well, bumper boats are pretty cute.
Speaker: I mean, does that count though? Bumper boats are kind of violent. Uh, I would say that the, the big, the big swan boat at the park. Uh -huh. Yeah. Mate. But that's more beautiful than cute. Nobody sees that giant swan and they think, Oh, cute. Like if that swan was, if that swan was in your yard, would you be like, that's cute.
Speaker: No, you'd say, oh, my God, the most beautiful boat I've ever seen in my yard. I guess it's fair to say that they're the cutest boat. I have found some mini tugboats that make the cuteness even more pronounced. There's one called the. The US Navy boat, the boom and beaver tugboat. Boom and beaver.
Speaker: The Booming Beaver. We need to explain that one. It is a teeny tugboat. It's so small. And it's a real it's a real working tugboat. Is it doing that? Is it doing the tugging? I found a. A listing for it on eBay that I'm going to send your way. Oh, my God. Could we purchase the Booming Beaver?
Speaker: White House dot boats just got a new boat. The boom and beaver, yes. I see. Oh, my gosh. It's for sale. U .S. Navy boom and beaver. It is hard for me to tell how tiny exactly it is, but I don't think that this is a size of boat that a human being can get it.
Speaker: Um, Oh yeah, it says it's one 18th scale, three, 342. What's that in inches? It's a 13 and a half inch long tongue. Yeah. It's pretty cute. It is pretty cute. Is this a model of a real thing?
Speaker: Well, I mean, it is a model of a real thing and a real thing itself. Uh, rub your, your hand across, uh, this miniature boom and beaver and tell me it's not real. Oh my God. The real boom and beaver is 19 feet long. That's the United States Navy, 19 BB barrier boat, boat, AKA boom and beaver.
Speaker: According to, uh, an article on military .com, uh, meet the Navy's most adorable boat, the boom and beaver. They should fill that thing with babies. Could you imagine? I say, give it back to the beavers. Let the beavers captain this boat. Al Qaeda coming in with the David spent all summer building their own submarine and their,
Speaker: They're sneaking into the harbor and they're going to torpedo the Statue of Liberty for 9 -11 -2. And then they see there's this boat and it's just, it's filled with little diapered babies and beavers. They're wearing their little sailor suit, like it's picture day. Yeah. It looks like an Ann Getty's photograph.
Speaker: Osama bin Laden is like, Oh, turns his submarine around and sails back to Afghanistan. That's tugboat. What do you got? Okay. I've got half a nice beard. Oh, I think that this is a podcast where, uh, we become barbers and, uh,
Speaker: We talk with a customer about what their current beard has gone through before we shave it off. And by the end of the show, after we've learned that of the life and times of this previous beard, we wish them a nice new beard after killing the old one. The old beard must die. The beard is born anew.
Speaker: Yeah, long live the beard. Don't get too attached to your beard. I know it's attached to you, but until we cut it off, a new one can never flourish. That's what the Church of Scientology said when Nicole Kidman got a divorce.
Speaker: I don't know. I think, didn't they just kind of throw her away like an old beard? I think they were probably a little more concerned with Tommy boy. Well, yeah, that's why they were saying that to Tom. They were saying we have to get rid of this old beard so that a new one can flourish. Do you think has Tom Cruise ever grown a beard? Did he have like a little beard in Magnolia or am I picturing the incredible wonderful stone? Yeah.
Speaker: Have a nice beard. Uh, he has had a beard. Uh, I'm thinking some of these are like maybe the last samurai. Hmm. He doesn't even have a beard when he's been in prison for like 15 years and the one mission impossible movie. He was still getting his haircut every week in a hellish Russian prison.
Speaker: He probably was fashioning his own barber clippers. They'd hear, they'd come down the hall. Who's getting haircut in here? Tom Cruise just perfectly, perfectly manic here. Just shrugs. We'll catch you one day, Ethan Hunt. Somehow you keep cutting hair in prison. We want you to look bad.
Speaker: I got a, I got another one. Okay. This is called late guy radio hour. Okay. And you might think, Oh, this is on in the evening, right? Late guy radio hour, but that's where you'd be wrong. Late guy radio hour is on in the morning. This is a show you listen to on your way to work, but you're running late.
Speaker: So we're going to give you some ideas of what to say if anyone asks why you're showing up at 8 .15.
Speaker: Or possibly you can put this radio station on when you get to work and we'll come up with some fake traffic accidents like, oh my goodness. I -72 is backed up from here to there. Let me tell you. It's all the way from there to here in your local highway.
Speaker: Wherever anybody's listening to this, I can't believe that anybody was able to get there from here. This is where we are. Action news in the chopper flying high over your city. And boy, oh boy, let me tell you, I've never seen anything like it. The roads have all turned into lava.
Speaker: Looks like no one will be getting to work unless they are incredibly dedicated to their jobs. And if that is the case, they probably deserve a raise and not a reprimand for it taking them longer than normal to get to work. I'd also like to point out that it's like this every day.
Speaker: late guy radio hour. If you're just joining us, it is not yet eight o 'clock. It is actually a few minutes before eight. According to the atomic clock. Yeah. Remind everyone that when you set those clocks forward an hour, you accidentally did it an hour and 10 minutes. Oh, yes, that's right. So it's not that late. It is not that late. And I
Speaker: And I don't, honestly, I don't know what fallback means. Do you gain or do you lose? It's too confusing for me. It's probably too confusing for you as well. Who are you to judge? You think you know better? Shame on you. Sounds to me like everybody should just say even Steven today. This day's a mulligan. I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said,
Speaker: This day is a mulligan. Do over, do over, do over. That's late guy radio hour. Yeah. You got another one from the pod drone. I do. This one is called Melo Andy. You know. Melo Andy. As an Andrew, I've never really been an Andy.
Speaker: but I think that there are plenty of people have been Andes and I think this is a podcast where we just discuss what it would be like if they were a little more chill. Yeah, maybe we just give you some of that cough medicine with the DXM in it. Yeah. We do our own, we do cough medicine Cheech and Chong. Okay.
Speaker: So, so I would be the mellow Andy. I was going to suggest that it would be Andy Griffith or Andy Dick or so. Oh, I was picturing like this is your alter ego. Like Snoopy has Joe cool. Okay. A lot of people don't realize that when Snoopy turns into Joe cool, it's because he's been doing drugs. He does. He has the sunglasses on to cover up his bloodshot eyes.
Speaker: doesn't want Charlie Brown to know. He's they never show Joe Cool in his he's he's always holding the water fountain on for all the girls and everything like he's a Fonzie type. Mm hmm. But they never show him hanging out with the the other people in his gang. You know that Joe Cool was in like a bad dogs game. Well, they never show him around any female dogs either.
Speaker: No, he, he, he fucks humans. This dog is so cool. He fucks human women. Yeah. He was admitted to an elementary school and is in class and everything. Uh, and he's not there to learn. He's there to, to fuck our children. What, what, what is wrong with us as a society?
Speaker: that that is not the only dog with sunglasses where it's implied he's fucking women. We also used that to sell beer for a while. Yeah, I think it was pretty heavily implied that that dog fucked women as well. I'm trying to think of a dog with sunglasses that doesn't.
Speaker: Yeah, I can't. To be honest, anytime I see a dog with sunglasses, I'm just like, that's a dog that has sex with women. Yeah, I'm looking at a whole bunch of pictures right now, and all of these dogs are. Can you imagine coming home from a long day at work, and your dog is there with sunglasses on? You're just like, how was it? You're supposed to be my best friend. You're not supposed to fuck my wife.
Speaker: I came home and the dog had a pair of sunglasses on man. She was like, Oh, I just put those on him as a joke. That's not a funny joke. Everybody knows sunglasses won't, they'll just fall off a dog's head until he's known a woman's touch. Mm -hmm.
Speaker: And then she says, you know, no, I put the croquis on him like you bought croquis for the dog's sunglasses so that they stay on my sunglasses fall off my face while I have sex every time. You know, I lost those Ray -Bans on the water ski. I lost all respect for you that day.
Speaker: You're a man, Brian. You should have your own way of keeping your sunglasses on. That's Mellow Andy. All right, well, here's what we got this week. We got you matchmaker, you America. Podsaurus, never don't get it again.
Speaker: I wish I could give less than one star, moment of silence, tugboat, have a nice beard, late guy radio hour and mellow Andy. Okay. What are you thinking? Um, uh, I really, I do like you matchmaker you America. I like mellow Andy. Uh, I, I feel like the one that
Speaker: is the most formatted of what we have is, I wish I could give less than one star or never don't get it again. Those two, I guess the ones that we thought up ahead of time are the ones that seem the most like they could be a real podcast, I guess.
Speaker: Yeah, and I'm gonna throw out a bonus title that just so we could cross it off the list and I can stop writing it down and then never using it off the patron list. Smell the Hitler. Smell the Hitler. Yeah, they're just, the patron comes up with these podcast ideas that I don't know what he's after.
Speaker: smell the hitler that's a that's one from the pod tron yes yes okay and i write it down i nearly every week and and do not use it okay well i was worried that that was one
Speaker: that you had been writing down from your mind every week. No, no, no, no, no. I was like, I'd like my mind to never dwell upon it again. And thus it is burnt. All right. Well, smell the Hitler is also an option. And what do you like from this list? Well, you just blur it out. Smell the Hitler. Smell the Hitler. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sorry. Smell the Hitler. He's been living in a bunker for a month. Just, uh,
Speaker: sweating profusely. Oh, no. Smell that Hitler. He's getting dipped into the big tea jar with all the Amish people. Yeah. Oh, boy. I agree with your assessment about the two that would make for the structurally the best podcast. I think that the one star review is even
Speaker: That one will work whether we do prep or not. They never don't get it again. We need to find a joke book, but I do love the idea of making an audio recording of a lame 30 year old joke book as well. All of our explanations are just, it's racist.
Speaker: All right, well, I guess that we're doing, I wish I could give it less than one star. So if you want to hear that, head over to patreon .com slash we don't have a podcast yet, or you can use our alternate URL white house dot boats. Sign up to support the podcast. You'll get a bonus episode every week or every other week. If scheduling gets in the way of us recording.
Speaker: You'll get an episode before any of these proles who just get it for free off of Apple. And you'll also get access to all of our previous episodes. They're locked safely behind the paywall. Like I always say, if you like the show that isn't a show, you'll like the show that is a show even more. Of course, all as always, uh, thank you for listening.
Speaker: Please go give us a review, give us a star rating, give us five. Say, I wish I could give more than five stars. I've been Nathan P. Woodard. And I'm Andrew James Estes. Good night.
Speaker: You stood and you watched us My baby, that's how You could have done something But you didn't try You didn't do nothing You let her walk by
