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Escaping Small Talk
105 Plays1 month ago
Today’s episode is a conversation about what we are learning about pursuing depth in friendships with three of our regular podcast hosts: Rach, Britt, and Bec. The After Dinner Mint is a podcast of Stories I'd Tell You at Dinner. We bring Christian women in Western Australia together through honest stories.
In today's episode, we explore:
🎧 How we’ve gotten to know our actual neighbours
🎧 Our barriers to going deep in our real relationships (and they were different for all of us!)
🎧 Escaping the “catch-up trap,” and complaints about the price of eggs 🍳
🎧 What we are learning about intentionality in our friendships and the fine dance between oversharing, validation, and the ever elusive authenticity.
You can check out our show notes here.
If you enjoyed the honest storytelling in today's episode, sign up for free encouragement in your inbox on Wednesdays from local Christian women. One week you get essays and poetry, the next week you get a podcast episode.
Music: Come Back by Ketsa. Licensed under a Creative Commons License Non-Commercial, No-Derivatives 4.0 International License.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
It's like, have you seen the Truman Show? You know how he sits and then when he realises that his whole world is like set up, that the same people walk by every day when he
Feeling Like a Truman Show Character
00:00:08
Speaker
sits out the front, like Lady with Flowers. Ah, yes.
00:00:11
Speaker
That was you. that was me, but I was real. Lady with double pram. Yes, that is
Introduction to After Dinner Mint Podcast
00:00:17
Speaker
you. Music
00:00:34
Speaker
Welcome to the After Dinner Mint, a podcast of stories I tell you at dinner.
Connecting with Neighbors
00:00:38
Speaker
We bring Christian women in Western Australia together through Honour Stories. If you like what you hear, please sign up to get Honour Stories in your inbox on Wednesdays.
00:00:46
Speaker
The link's in the show notes. I'm Bec and I'm here with Brit and Rach. Hi guys. Hi. Hi. So today's topic is escaping small talk. To kick things off, Brit, how long have you lived in your neighbourhood for? Do you know your neighbours?
00:01:03
Speaker
Yes, I do know my neighbours. I have lived here for six years now. So I guess that's a pretty decent amount of time. And We found when we moved into this neighbourhood that fairly quickly people actually made an effort to introduce themselves and we are particularly close to one of our neighbours who my kids almost like see her as another kind of grandmother.
00:01:28
Speaker
And then on the other side, we know those neighbours but they do keep a bit more to themselves. But we are on a busy road so I do know people across from us and some are a bit further down.
00:01:39
Speaker
There's limitations to who you can meet. Yeah, that is really tricky. And Rach, what about you? Yeah, getting hit by a car, it really puts a dampener on a friendship. I know, just got to lift your game. Be like, come on, kids, try harder.
00:01:52
Speaker
Run. We have lived in our house for almost four years. We only have one neighbour because we live on a cul-de-sac, but we're like...
Community Building through Church and Events
00:02:03
Speaker
a corner and they're a really nice old couple and they're lovely so yes we do know our neighbors but my husband's a bit better at making friends with people than I am so he uh he has a beer with the old man next door and things so oh but that's really sweet Yeah. yeah um We moved here like seven and a half years ago. We've gotten to know our neighbours like on both sides and we know like some families, but that's because our kids go to the local school.
00:02:31
Speaker
like Our church is in our neighbourhood, but like we wouldn't actually know that many people. Not that many people live in our suburb that actually go to that church. Like they're probably little bit further away. Okay, so that's a good like getting the lay of the land.
00:02:43
Speaker
But how would you say, like how have you... established or like gotten to know people in your actual neighbourhood because it's tricky? and So maybe Rach, you can tell us first.
00:02:55
Speaker
Well, our neighbours, they are an older couple. They've got adult kids and grandkids and stuff that they actually host every year Street Christmas. So all the people on the street go to their house and we have like in November because everyone's got Christmas stuff.
00:03:09
Speaker
But everyone brings plate and we have street Christmas. That's so lovely. Which I would never do. big friends ah And they yeah, I think we also have like our kids – They've like give given our kids little lollies for Christmas or something, so our kids have left something in their letterbox and stuff. So kids are good for that.
00:03:32
Speaker
But, yeah, my husband's very good at the like the chat over the over the fence type thing. Yeah, and also our neighbours, we have chickens, and they keep their kitchen scraps and give us – they have a bucket that they leave on their side of the fence, and we give our chickens their scraps, and then we leave – and then we them back.
00:03:47
Speaker
Yeah, it's very sweet. Aw, cute. That's
Neighborhood Presence and Interaction
00:03:49
Speaker
amazing. I'm not going to give myself credit for that because that's them. But I've engaged with their friendship.
00:03:58
Speaker
You've responded to their friendship overtures. like Britt, how have you developed relationships in the area that you live? Yeah, our church is in our suburb and a lot of people live in the suburb.
00:04:10
Speaker
So you see people from the church community around all the time. when i like we bought the house when i was pregnant and then moved in when i was about six months and so i joined a mother's huge as well for just knowing people locally who is in our community as well and a lot of people live locally and so again you kind of i just see people around all the time i think also when the twins were babies i was very visible in my community because I was constantly walking everywhere with a double pram and a toddler.
00:04:44
Speaker
It was easier to walk than it was to drive a car. So I literally would have the EA at the school say to me, I saw you walking your pram or like people would say to me,
00:04:55
Speaker
My husband saw you walking on the street. know I hope was behaving okay. Like a ghost that haunts the streets. Yeah. yeah And I was like, they would there was a period of time where they would wake up early and I would put them in the cram and I would walk them around our suburb and then come home. And so I guess people in cars would drive past me see me.
00:05:18
Speaker
And meanwhile, I was like, I'm just getting out of house because why not? Like, what are we going to do here? You're awake. I'm awake. Let's just go. It's like, have you seen the Truman Show? You know how he sits and then when he realises that his whole world is like set up, that the same people walk by every day when he sits out the front, like Lady With Flowers.
00:05:35
Speaker
Ah, yes. That was you. That was me, but I was real. Lady With Double Pram. Yes, that is you. Yeah, Double Pram Lady. I don't have it anymore and it was a great relief to get rid of it. But, yeah, I think I was very visible and you see the same people, like,
00:05:53
Speaker
I know the guys at the park that drink during the day because I would walk up to them and say Yeah. I think I just probably was also just quite happy to engage with whoever and chat.
00:06:04
Speaker
So I have kind of I feel like i I'm familiar with a lot of people in my suburb. I might not know their name. I might not know anything about them, but I would say hi to them and I would recognize them and they would recognize me. Yeah.
00:06:15
Speaker
I feel like I'm a little bit similar, not that I have the double pram, but I have spent a lot of time walking with a pram in my suburb like because my kids go to the local school. It's like a kilometre from our house.
00:06:28
Speaker
So we... I've just spent a lot of time like walking to and from school and then seeing a lot of the same people. And then people would say things to me like, I've seen you walking. Are you okay? Do you need lift?
00:06:41
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. see yeah Why are you walking? i think everyone thinks that something is wrong, but I was like, it's just, you know, it's a nice exercise. They're like, are you sure? think it's okay.
00:06:51
Speaker
I like walking. It's nice. I know. It's quite nice. ah couple I think now that it's about seven years in, I think it's the combination of if we go to we go to church in our area, like I run the playgroup there.
00:07:04
Speaker
So I've even said to mums the school, like, do you want to come to like the playgroup that we run? But another way, interestingly, is actually not a thing that I planned, was more that I have a very naughty dog.
00:07:16
Speaker
but So she's killed like 11 of my chickens, but also one of her previous hobbies was digging up our veggie gardens. So we, yeah, we put our veggie gardens out the front.
00:07:27
Speaker
So that did mean that we kind of spent more time out the front, like watering or planting. And that's how we got to know like our neighbours on either side of us. So now like we've got to know like our Thai neighbour. She's like, I don't know, my grandma's age. And she brings like Thai food, which is really sweet.
00:07:44
Speaker
ra way i know. She's really lovely. And then I've had some guys like across the road help me break into my house when I got locked out. ah very They were like, this never happened, right? And i was like, I don't even know who you are. But it was concerning how easily they broke into my house.
00:08:00
Speaker
Why are you so good at this, sir? Why are you so great at Unavailable at 6am to a woman in a hoodie with no shoes and a baby on her hip. but Yeah. That's fine.
00:08:10
Speaker
don't know where our spare key is. Do you know? That's funny. But, yeah, so that's kind of, yeah. We've gotten to know some people, but i don't think we would be...
00:08:24
Speaker
There's less people living in our suburb from our church than I think yours is, Britt, because I think yours was really intentionally planted there. Yeah, it was planted in an area lots of people lived already.
00:08:36
Speaker
and then other people, I guess people tried to missionally move in to the suburb or nearby. i really love that. Well, it make it easier for being part of a community. you're,
Vulnerability and Honesty in Friendships
00:08:50
Speaker
say, a five- or ten-minute drive...
00:08:52
Speaker
from where your other people are in your church. You can be in each other's lives a lot more, whereas prior to that we were driving kind of 20 minutes. And once we had kids, that did get exhausting.
00:09:07
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. If we moved a significant distance, I probably would try and find something local to us because it's been a pretty big game changer to be able to be local. Like in reality we could go without a car,
00:09:22
Speaker
for a while yeah so how how far away is your church from where you live right now is it closer yes much closer it's like maybe less than five minutes if I do the speed limit it's five minutes you a I don't know I mean I suppose you're not out walking with a double brand but do you see people around from church where you live and No, because we sort of live like in a semi-rural area. So the block sizes is, I think the minimum is an acre.
00:09:53
Speaker
Everyone's got lots of space, which is lovely. and But we live on like one one end of the suburb and our church is on the other end. But the church is also in the bush. So people don't really walk around. Like maybe Rachel, you can speak to this a bit first. But like, how would you say you've, how would you say that you've like developed or prioritised like deep relationships with friends or people from church or like, I don't know.
00:10:13
Speaker
How do you go deeper than like passing veggie scraps or like once a year kind of street party? o I think I'm on one hand good at it and on the other hand terrible at it because i am often very happy to share my own struggles and shortcomings in sort of a way to like facilitate.
00:10:33
Speaker
Like I'm happy to share stuff about myself that's either like embarrassing or shame, whatever. um And then it's not necessarily always reciprocated. But I think as I've gotten older, I've also realised that like often people respond better to me asking stuff about them than me sharing stuff about me because I feel like that's me being vulnerable.
00:10:54
Speaker
and neuroron like trying to open things up by being like, hey, I'll share something that I'm ashamed of or whatever to try and like open people up. But it hasn't always, well, it mostly hasn't worked, to be honest, particularly in like Bible study content a con um context and things when people go, oh, you know, anyone want a prayer request anything? And you go yeah, really.
00:11:17
Speaker
And then it's not reciprocated, which is sort of feeling like, no. now I've overshared and no one wants to overshare as well. a And to be honest, that's something I'm very much like I have to actively stop.
00:11:30
Speaker
I recently realised or learnt that this is probably an ADHD trait thing as well is that often when I'm listening to someone talk, I will immediately in my head, it links to something that reminds me of me. And I'm like, Oh, I'm relating to you. Let me share. It relates to the thing that you're talking about, but it actually comes across as, Oh, you're just making this about you.
00:11:51
Speaker
So I am trying to be a better listener and a better asker of interesting and like open-ended questions.
00:12:03
Speaker
Yeah. which is harder than it, it which is pretty hard to do actually. so yeah um what my answer to that is I'm not very good at it. And I think I'm often more concerned with making sure the person feels good in a conversation than having a, not necessarily it not a deep conversation, but I think often i am more concerned about affirming people's struggles and things rather than going, oh, what about that? Why are you doing that? Whereas my sort of go-to is, oh, I don't want you to feel bad about that. Let me relate to you make sure you feel better with my own struggles rather than...
00:12:41
Speaker
being doing the awkward thing of sometimes people need to be called out on stuff sometimes you need to go o that wasn't right that wasn't whatever or and so I think often I'm led by my desire to be liked and to make other people feel good in a conversation rather than have a deep conversation it's almost like in trying to appease them and make them comfortable you're not actually being vulnerable yourself because you're not staying true to what you kind of think yes you're just you're connecting with them through almost like validating them which is useful and a good tool in friendships but to have true connection it has to be true to what you think as well yes
00:13:25
Speaker
And I think often, particularly I found this in women's conversations, I often find that there's a certain amount, you know, not always terrible, but there's a certain amount of husband bashing and whinging about married life and kids and that sort of thing.
00:13:41
Speaker
And i really like my husband and I often have found myself... over-inflating a thing that he's done to relate to someone who's whinging about their husband to go, oh, yeah it's hard or whatever, and then I'll leave that feeling like, oh, I didn't really, like that thing that I, the story I told happened, but I didn't really feel the way I presented like I felt about it to make them feel good.
00:14:02
Speaker
You know, like some validation is good, but it sounds like if you're always trying to validate, it actually ironically like kind of impedes that connection. Yes. Yes. Very much so. I don't know how other people leave those comments.
00:14:15
Speaker
Maybe they feeling very frustrated and that's good, but I often leave going like, oh, I kind of misrepresented myself in that in order to make them feel good. I've compromised.
00:14:27
Speaker
la Yeah, and that's tricky because they're like authentic relationships do require a bit of honesty, but then that line is quite hard. Yes.
00:14:38
Speaker
I actually had a conversation with a friend recently about something and i sort of said, ah was telling her about it and definitely presenting it in a certain way. And she kind of like called me out on it a little bit. And then in the moment I was like, ew, I hate, I don't like that feeling.
00:14:52
Speaker
And then afterwards I was like, man, what a good friend. Like, because I feel like every conversation I'd had recently and I talked about the same issue and people had just sort of validated me and been like, oh, yeah, okay, and, like, accepted the way I was presenting the scenario. And she was kind of like, mm, okay.
00:15:11
Speaker
I don't know if you're actually assessing this. I think you're lying to yourself, basically. And yeah, in the moment, it's like, oh, that actually was offensive to me in the moment.
00:15:22
Speaker
But then afterwards, I was like, man, no never do you feel more cared for than when someone cares enough to call you out on something. Because it feels bad in the moment. But afterwards, I was like, man. Yeah.
00:15:33
Speaker
She liked you enough to tolerate your discomfort with what she was saying, because she kind of loved you enough to to go there. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting what you were saying before about in Bible studies when they ask for prayer points that you almost get that like vulnerability hangover where you're like, I've just spared my soul no one's saying anything. And I noticed in kind of female-only kind of Bible study groups versus mixed-gender
00:16:07
Speaker
groups in the mixed gender it can be very surface and then in the single gender it's like people are a lot more open about their experiences and things that they're struggling in and it's something I've really appreciated when people are really actually vulnerable and share about where they're at there's something so powerful and connecting about that whereas I'm almost the opposite to you like I don't want to be vulnerable and My job means I'm often not the vulnerable one, right? Like I'm very happy for other people to be, but then I'm like, no, no, I'm okay.
00:16:42
Speaker
Which also is inauthentic to my experience because of course I feel bad and there's lots of things in which I feel really vulnerable and unsure. And so when I've been able to actually become more vulnerable, I have found it really connecting to others and it has kind of built a sense of community because it's like people actually know what's happening for you.
00:17:02
Speaker
and can care for you well when you're open with where you're at, Yeah, and I think this friend as well, after this interaction, she said, like, I'm going to ask you about this.
00:17:14
Speaker
it was particularly in that Bible study context as well. It's somewhat easy to share, and know like oh, a prayer point, a single, like, prayer thing or whatever, whereas is there's something different about it.
00:17:24
Speaker
I'm going to ask you about this, this vulnerable thing, and I'm going to see if you're actually doing something or if we're just downloading stuff that we struggle with without any...
00:17:35
Speaker
Any sort of thing with any purpose to move forward and actually deal with the thing that we are presenting without actually having any sort of desire to change. o Yeah, that's so powerful. Because also, don't know, there's something about like someone saying to you I'm going to ask you about this, that.
00:17:52
Speaker
really makes you feel seen. Oh, you're actually going to remember that and you care enough to check in with me. And I think also like that whole concept of someone caring enough to call you out, that they love you enough and still want to be in your life, but they're also not going to let you kind of just go down your own garden path, which most of us are pretty likely to go down if we're left to our own devices.
00:18:13
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:16
Speaker
Yeah. And see, I kind of initially started where were you were, Brit, where i was like, didn't share anything. And probably again, we have similar, you know, work histories.
00:18:28
Speaker
So I wouldn't share anything, but then it kind of, i was like, I feel very, I feel very lonely. And I feel like no one actually really sees cause I'm just the one who's carrying all the stuff. But then wading into being like, i I'm going to share, I'm going to be honest. And it was just horrible.
00:18:50
Speaker
I I noticed that when I did it, i was like, okay, like this does create connection. But every time I would do it, I was like, I hate this. I hate this. I hate people asking me how I'm doing. How do you feel about that? They'd follow up with me. They would say things. I was like, I just, the core of me.
00:19:09
Speaker
fundamentally hated it I've come to appreciate the honesty and I have learned that people like wow that's the thing that they like and you know they're like you're so direct but I'm like I didn't I didn't start there I'm like I've had to learn it and I it's sometimes I might have I gone too far to the other way because i don't know it actually reminds me of someone recently shared reel with me and it's from White Lotus in season two which you know people have differing opinions on whether they want to watch that but This is clip where she's saying to the what if the core of the onion is just really crazy, but I want to let it out.
00:19:48
Speaker
and i um onion And I'm just going to start telling people and I'm going to tell my husband what and let him see me. And the therapist is like, it's probably fine at the core.
00:20:00
Speaker
moming No, the core is crazy. And it's just like, it is that feeling of like, I shared this, but now it is out there and I have to kind of deal with the consequences of the fact that everyone has now seen this part of me that perhaps I actually didn't want to speak to myself or perhaps I actually get the help I needed. But, you know, it is quite confronting, I think, to let others really see you. And maybe
Intentional Relationships and Oversharing
00:20:27
Speaker
sometimes the court is a little bit out there.
00:20:30
Speaker
a Yeah, but then the weirdest thing has, I have found that even like writing online, I would like publish something and then ah overnight I'd be like, oh no, like what if this is the crazy thing? What if like someone else sees that there is something really crazy there? They see the onion and then they know that I'm actually insane.
00:20:47
Speaker
But I have been encouraged, like mostly the stuff that I think is just like the craziest thing. And people are like, oh, like you put words to that. Like I feel that too. And you're like, oh, weirdly enough, by being so specific, I have actually just landed on universal.
00:21:03
Speaker
e Yeah. Yeah, I'm not actually that special. We're all putting on the same experience. Yeah. Yeah. you know Like I thought I was special. I thought I was unique in the struggle, but I'm not.
00:21:14
Speaker
Which is the power of sharing, right? And connecting. Yes. That it kind of normalises the human experience. And I mean, the Bible's like that too. Like you read their stories and you can think to yourself, I would never do that.
00:21:26
Speaker
And then another moment in your life, you're like, I'm exactly like this. This is like the Psalms. You read them and you're like, oh, would be the same. I'm no better than you. In fact, I'm worse. Yeah. And I think sometimes I have not displayed wisdom in who I've decided to overshare with. We're Christians. We're meant to be like having deep conversations and sharing our journey and stuff with people.
00:21:48
Speaker
And then I've gone, I probably don't, like I need to also like be intentional with who I share things with and someone who can actually like who can either relate or we can work together on something or I can help them rather than just like I'm going to be vulnerable to everyone because then it makes other people feel better.
00:22:08
Speaker
Like that's and I think that that's been an issue of mine to just overshare without considering is this wise. Yeah, some friends and I have actually been doing this um Lent devotional and last week's topic was connection and so in you know in the chat people are sharing about their experiences of connecting with others and what it's like and you know all this a lot of this stuff has kind of come up but it is interesting to think that people have different ways of seeking that out like some people are super intentional which i um i have not thought that's not really how my brain works so have never
00:22:49
Speaker
I feel like friendships, thankfully, have kind of pretty naturally developed in my life. And then as it progresses, you share more and more. And probably because I'm more likely to be less vulnerable,
00:23:03
Speaker
I maybe get the timing, not better, because I think you can go too late as well, but I'm not likely to just like share straight out. But it is interesting thinking about, yeah, like do do either of you have a model for how you decide who to connect with and when to connect or how do you do this?
00:23:21
Speaker
i I wouldn't say that I have a model, I have probably been a bit more mindful in terms of, Okay, there are a few people that like I will really deeply invest in be like, okay, I trust you to speak into my life.
00:23:39
Speaker
I, you know, I'm intentionally whatever bits of space and time I have, I will give to those people. Okay, like we, you know, it's not a project. It's not like me just helping you. It's equals.
00:23:52
Speaker
I want to hear your stuff. I trust you speak into my life. I want to hear... your and you know the same for you like I will listen and give feedback and all of that kind of thing and like pitch in to be like you know I will take your kids for you you can take mine you know what i mean like that back and forth it's reciprocal but I also think it's been a real relief to be like not all of my friendships have to be like that either so I think it's been a really nice thing to just be like I'm just going to be present where I am and like it's fun to just have like friends at kids sport it's fun to chat to the mum at school
00:24:23
Speaker
It's fun to be like, hey, I go to this park, you I'm only here on a Monday and, you know, our kids go to school together and one of the mums was like, do you want to meet it up on a Monday? I was like, yeah, we'll just be here. And I don't have to expect all of those people to meet my needs, but I can just enjoy those people who are there.
00:24:40
Speaker
So I feel like that's been a nice distinction for me, but I'm not sure if that's the model that you were kind of getting at. I'm not necessarily thinking... model I mean, so some people do think about like how many people can I have at the top level of like really close friends? How many people can I have at a broader level? So there are some models you can use to work that out.
00:25:06
Speaker
But, yeah, I reckon where I've potentially – maybe struggled in the past is to have loads of those kind of friendly relationships where I'm not necessarily sharing anything. They're not necessarily sharing anything, but I'm quite happy to hang out with whoever.
00:25:24
Speaker
Happy to go to the park. I'm happy to have a coffee. I'm happy to chat with, and I guess in having kids, you end up with a lot of those relationships, which is like, yeah, the mom at the school or the person at the coffee shop, I would kind of just strike up conversations with people.
00:25:37
Speaker
But yeah me what I can sometimes miss out on, and I do have relationships as well, but even being more intent I could be more intentional in investing in like being more deeper with those newer people rather than spreading myself over a lot of people that I don't necessarily
Creating New Memories and Social Media Impact
00:25:55
Speaker
know that well. And then actually my connection needs don't get met even though my like day-to-day busyness needs get met.
00:26:02
Speaker
That's it. It's like it's easy to be very busy but busy. actually have much depth and I feel like the depth that I have has just taken so much longer than I thought it was going to yeah and so much more intentionality where it's like let's voice text or like even actually the weirdest thing has been is like Having regular stuff on the calendar where you're like, I'm not even trying to regularly catch up with you.
00:26:32
Speaker
It's in the calendar like, oh, I see you every week at Playgroup. We're in the same Bible study or like our run like a Saturday. i say I run, I'm like whatever. There's two couples and I don't really do that much. But it's ever there are like a bunch of families we get together every second Saturday and everyone brings a dish and, you know, we have a small Bible study. The kids are chaos.
00:26:54
Speaker
But just actually – It's all of those little things where you're like, okay, there are people across all of those. And, know, and I voice text and I see you and I, you know, you see all of my life.
00:27:08
Speaker
And there's like, yeah, I'm not always trying to schedule to get a catch up, but it's people that I do my everyday life with. But, yeah, those relationships, like, get to people that you go away with on holidays, but you think those relationships are taking years and years. Yeah.
00:27:24
Speaker
On a um a practical note, there's a thing, you might have seen it. It's gone around, like it's you know going around social media now, but there's an article that's come out by Tanya Hennessy and it's called, she's very much not a Christian, but it's a called The Catch-Up Trap.
00:27:39
Speaker
And it's about the concept of that, particularly as like middle-aged women or like whatever, all we do is go out, have a coffee, you download about your life, I download about my life, and then go away and then catch up again in three months.
00:27:53
Speaker
We're not doing anything. anything to create any new memories together or any fresh things are like so true. You obviously can't do that with 10 people, but those people that you actually are like, and that's the thing of like the family holiday with another family or that sort of thing.
00:28:12
Speaker
Unless we're creating new memories, then you end up just, and often it can become quite a very negative space where you get together and just kind of whinge.
00:28:23
Speaker
about life and you know not necessarily but often or it's just that thing of like oh life is hard it's heavy i've got young kids no one has enough money it's all eggs are so expensive
00:28:37
Speaker
But I just thought i was like, that's a very interesting concept to think of, of like, am I being intentional? Because and I find that in marriage I'm always trying to find, like Dan and I, will often just book tickets for something because I'm like, cool, that's in six months' time. I can organise that as something cool that we've never done before, something together, like we went hot air ballooning or whatever.
00:28:57
Speaker
And you go, we've done that. Like remember that time we went hot air ballooning? And you think sometimes the coffee catch-up thing, which is a very big thing in Christian culture as well. We love catching up Dome and, you know, talking about stuff.
00:29:13
Speaker
But I think, yeah, that's actually a really interesting thing to think about and how can i how can I do that with friends I want to build like a deeper connection with.
00:29:24
Speaker
How could do that? Like a friend of mine, we went, i mean, again, this is not for everyone, but we went to metros in Frio and went dancing because we haven't been dancing in 15 years.
00:29:35
Speaker
And that's all. And we went and danced with each other and a bunch of like very young people, but it was fun. And you go, remember that time we did that thing? Yeah. It's such a bonding thing. And even chemically in your brain, that release of oxytocin and things actually does bond you to those people.
00:29:53
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, it was an interesting thing to think of. That intentionality. And, of course, you can't do that with loads of people, so you do have to be un selective. Yes. But that's kind of how you deepen relationships. Like you can't do it with everyone. wonder how much you impact you have?
00:30:10
Speaker
Being on social media, being hyper-connected in some ways to people that you would have dropped with long time ago. Like I people that I've been to high school with. It's over 20 years ago now and I'm not, alone we're never going to see each other.
00:30:25
Speaker
We're not friends. If we were going to catch up, we would have done it by now. Yeah, we've had 20 years to do this. Yeah, except you know that they went to a baby shower last week. Yeah. Which is weird.
00:30:36
Speaker
But I know the stuff you're doing. Yeah, it's unnatural.
Balancing Life and Meaningful Connections
00:30:40
Speaker
I know who maybe separating because all of a sudden their photos are a lot better. Yes. wow And I think it's like, ah did you ever hear, ah maybe Rory talked about years ago, but it was the Dunbar's number. Like you can only really know about 100 and closest network can really only be about five. Like that's how we've designed, that's the village life and you think, but it just doesn't work the same.
00:31:04
Speaker
Social media would say you can keep up with so many hundreds of people, you can't. Yeah. No, you really can't.
00:31:14
Speaker
Brilliant. Well, I like something I was going to cover was like this barrier that kind of deep connection. um And I think we've kind of covered that like really nicely. I suppose it'd be interesting to think about what would be a thing that you're learning or you're working on, I suppose, to kind of sum you know, in relationship to kind of like build that deep connection because I suppose we all have different challenges. Like there's no like one size fits all where you're like just share more or catch up or go for coffee because, you know, we can do those things not well either. But, yeah, what does it mean to kind of invest in our relationships?
00:31:55
Speaker
Working towards being better at connection, I think, I would love to be the friend that that friend was to me. All right, can I be brave enough to, with kindness, call someone out and then follow them up on something to be actually, because I think we often think about connection in terms of, oh, how can I connect with someone to share my struggles rather than how can I connect with someone so they can share with me? Because potentially I could support this person.
00:32:23
Speaker
We often think of it, you know, we're all selfish beings. And I think, i yeah, it would take a lot for me to be brave enough to gently call someone out on something and go, you sure? Like, is that what you actually think? Is that what you want to do And then also... I do remember you did that for me once, though, just saying. like Yeah.
00:32:45
Speaker
I came to you with, like, some scheme and I was like, I think I want to do this now. And you were like, you know, that could be cool and I would read it, but also, like... would this bring you the same joy?
00:32:56
Speaker
Would this bring you like, would you actually enjoy it in the same way that you do all these other things? And I was like, oh, like I needed like that kind of permission to be like, I don't actually have to do this, even if it's a fun idea.
00:33:09
Speaker
doesn't sound like me at all, but I'm glad I said that. I think I do remember that actually. Yeah. Yeah. oh That's funny. e Sorry, I completely derailed your line of thought because you had a second thing. No, that's fine.
00:33:23
Speaker
No, my other thing was just the the catch-up thing. i was like, how can I actually do fun, not necessarily fun, but, like, do experiences and even as a fan, like, it can be as a family with another family that, like, go away, go camping, go do something that creates a memory and a bonding thing with the people I want to establish deeper relationships with.
00:33:41
Speaker
Yeah. I like that. Britt, what about you? I would like to be more intentional around just where I spend my time generally.
00:33:53
Speaker
And that's kind of been a thing for me for years now. I kind of say yes to everything and then I'm like, I'm overloaded. How did this happen? Yeah, because I thought everything would be a great idea. So being more intentional with time, but also I think, yeah, with people and what you're saying about thinking about in terms of bonding and experiences, like how can do that into my life?
00:34:18
Speaker
Because I think, I'm not so much in the coffee catch-up trap. I'm more in the like going for dinner trap, like groups that I'll go for dinner with. And then you're only seeing them, you're not seeing in that regularly. It's very hard to be properly in each other's lives. So that's something I'd like to think about and work out how I do it. And probably it's a bit of a work in progress. I need to actually like properly consider that.
00:34:42
Speaker
and but and make make ah make choices and things like intentional to the stage of life you're in because you're like, I would love to go go away on a weekend or whatever, but you're like, it might be a bit ambitious currently.
00:34:54
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Like I could go away every weekend. and Also, feel like groups of women love a weekend away. Love it. Yes. I mean, I love it. It's very relaxing. However, my parents are not.
00:35:07
Speaker
love when I just traipse around and do my own thing for a while. It's like, it's a balancing act. o Yeah. See, I would be kind of with you, bri well, I mean, look, I, I like to say yes to everything.
00:35:22
Speaker
Everything sounds like lots of fun. And then I'm just like, oh no, I'm the one who has to lift this. I said yes to all of these things and now this is my schedule. But I have been really wrestling with recently. I'm like, okay,
00:35:36
Speaker
I have these friends. They're not going to go anywhere. I love them. They're not going to go anywhere. If I don't turn up for like two weeks, it's fine. And the people at the park or whatever, you know, fine. That's fine. But for me being like, okay, I have to be these, I have days at home. have to be really weirdly enough for deep connection. I'm like, if I'm out every single day with little children, then I'm actually just grumpy. And then that's not helpful for anybody. So ironically,
00:36:03
Speaker
Me being intentional about having rest days and Sabbath, rest time and all of those things and trusting that people will still be there. No one's like, oh, no, you've rested. We can't be friends.
00:36:17
Speaker
i yeah I know it's dumb when I speak it out. They're not going forget you. You have to disconnect to reconnect later. This is it. This is why I have like I have got this app on my phone. It's called Freedom.
00:36:31
Speaker
And it's a paydip and I know it's dumb but i like I'm bad at putting my phone down because I like love texting and I love all of the things. But it's just little blocks. I'm like, okay, in the morning for a couple of hours and then like in the afternoon when i pick my kids up from school.
00:36:45
Speaker
And it has been really good because I'm like I can respond in a little bit. It's not even like I'm never taking my phone with me again. But just that pause has been really good. I hate it and I love it, but it's been good for me.
00:36:59
Speaker
What do you do? Just think your own thoughts. Gross.
00:37:03
Speaker
Just be by myself in a room. That's the Blaise Pascal quote. Most of men's problems is the inability to sit a room quietly by yourself.
00:37:12
Speaker
Yeah, I could probably use that up because I do get a bit like if someone texts me, like I feel compulsion. Firstly, if I see a notification, very compulsive to check it and then to reply as soon as and even like Dave has said to me before.
00:37:27
Speaker
You don't actually need to respond to that right now. Like, just put your phone down. Yeah, I'm exactly the same. I've got to keep on this show. And, like, meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I'm keeping all these balls in the air. Don't distract me.
00:37:45
Speaker
thing is that you think no like, you know, before there was smartphone, you didn't have to. All the time. Like there's some stupid joke. Maybe it was, I can't even remember the comedian, but he was talking about like his marriage length to his dad, like to his dad. He was like, well, look, I talk to my wife all the time because we text during the day and then we talk at nighttime. He's like, my dad only ever talked to my mom at nighttime.
00:38:06
Speaker
But it's that. We're like, how... But also how many of the texts are like, did you put the bin out? Did you have milk? Did you remember this?
00:38:17
Speaker
Oh, by the way, i need you to do this. Like it's not actually meaningful. Did you know that the child but did this? I need to talk to you about the child. Yeah. When are you back? That's my favourite. sense
00:38:29
Speaker
I heard that there was something happening at our house on the weekend. What's happening? What is the plan?
00:38:35
Speaker
Oh, that's funny.