Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to the Raising Autistic Disciples podcast. I'm Lara Roberts, and this is a series where we, together, survive the holidays, friends.
Speaker: Our journey from October 31st through the end of December, where we attempt to enjoy all the wonderful things this season has to offer while occasionally asking, are you kidding me? who's ah who Whose idea was this? Who thought about this?
Speaker: Who designed this activity, and have they ever met an autistic person? Next week is October 31st. And yes, I'm going to say it.
Speaker: Halloween. There. Is everybody okay? I said the word Halloween. And I'm a Christian. Oh, no, she did not. If you need to call it Fall Festival in order continue listening to this podcast with a clear conscience, I completely support you. Harvest celebration, fine.
Speaker: Trunk or treat, absolute. Reformation Day, look at you. Very implet impressive, right? Whatever we're calling it, there is a strong possibility that at some point that evening, children will be wearing costumes and receiving candy.
Speaker: Actually, you know, I'm not scared. Pun intended. Right? I got my cowboy hat on because that's the only kind of prop I could for this podcast. And and listen, I keep skirting around the word.
Speaker: Halloween. So look let me just tell y'all why saying Halloween gives me a little bit of PTSD. A couple years ago, i was pretty fresh on Instagram. Like probably, let's see, I started in March. So that next October, I mean, relatively eight months, whatever. i was pretty fresh on Instagram as a content creator. And I thought, you know what?
Speaker: i'm I'm going to tell the story Okay, let me go back. Had nothing, my my mindset had nothing to do with the month that we were in. We just happened to be in October. And and this particular reel just happened to land in my idea box, my head, the week of said Halloween, October 31st. Okay, so so I thought to myself, you know what? I'm going to tell the story about the first time we really knew something was different with our gram.
Speaker: You know, that moment, right? We've all had it like, oh, some something's, you know, different here. The moment where you look at your spouse and you go, hmm, that's, that's not, yeah, that's, yeah, yeah. That moment, you know what I'm talking about? where all Well, our moment was in fact Halloween night.
Speaker: It was October 31st, right? But because I said the word on Instagram, I said the word Halloween. And an Instagram reel.
Speaker: And my handle, my my title of my platform on Instagram has the word disciples in it. The evangelical police came out of the woodwork.
Speaker: And if you don't know what woodwork means, it just they they just came out nowhere. They came for me. Apparently we are no longer talking about autism and we're now discussing whether I was celebrating a pagan holiday and I was just told I was justifying sinful behavior. That's what I was told. There were opinions everywhere. so many opinions.
Speaker: And I'll admit, it jar it jarred me a little bit, not gonna lie. I was still rookie on this whole thing. was putting myself out there online, burying my soul at times, right, about raising an autistic kid and trying to be Christian. And I remember thinking, good grief, was just trying to tell y'all about my kid riding a lawnmower, right? was just trying to tell y'all a story about how the time that I knew, hey, we probably should look into this, you know?
Speaker: But guess what, friends? As some of you know who are faithful listeners of this podcast and on Instagram, I turned 40 this past summer. And apparently something happens when you turn 40 because something just clicked.
Speaker: I don't care anymore. I just don't. I can officially say i am too old for this nonsense. Think what you're going to think. We can disagree, of course. We can have a good theological conversation about something. As long as I'm not being heretical over here on this podcast or on Instagram, I think we're all grownups.
Speaker: And we can survive a differences of opinion when it comes to one day of the year. Okay, friends. I try not to get on a soapbox, so my bad if I do. But I have seen something interesting happening on Instagram. I keep scrolling around past like Christian content creators this week with their kids in costumes. And the text on the screen says, it says, Jesus knows the difference between worshiping the devil and my kid dressing up in a costume and getting candy.
Speaker: And indeed he does. Praise the Lord. So yeah, I got a little bit of PTSD when it comes to mentioning that word or that day on Instagram, but I'm past it. I don't care. Listen, here's the story. Okay. Graham was about two and a half.
Speaker: He wasn't talking yet. And while we were concerned, we were, we kept being told, oh, he'll talk when he wants to. which just fyi by the way is not that great of advice so if you if you ever get that hey he'll talk when he wants to and you're like feeling something or you're noticing observing as his parent or the holy spirit's trying to stir something in you to for you to notice hey take take aware it that that may be not the best advice but at the time we were waiting we were just waiting right we were watching and we were wondering okay So, October 31st rolls around and we go to our church's fall festival.
Speaker: Addie, our little girl, dressed like a princess. Graham was dressed like Mr. Incredible in his little fake muscles. So cute. Levi was, oh, let's see. Levi, bless his heart, he's the third kid. I can, I i remember some of the first two, but man, that third kid. He was dressed...
Speaker: I absolutely have no idea. I can't remember. Let's just say a pumpkin. I'm sorry, buddy. If you're listening to this when you're 40 and you're thinking, mom did not. You're correct. I did not. I did not remember everything. So sorry, buddy. Anyway, this was a fall festival. that This fall festival at our our church had everything. And when I say everything, I'm talking petting zoo, bounce houses, food trucks, face painting, games, candy. People were everywhere. Music lights. Basically, in hindsight, as I look back now, A sensory nightmare.
Speaker: But also, it had a million different things for a kid to see and do. Okay? My daughter took off with a family friend to experience all those things, right? But Graham, good old Graham, we called him Grandpa Graham back then because he just, he did little like a papa, right? He saw one thing.
Speaker: One. He locked his eyes on one thing. The train. And not just any train, a redneck train. Now, if you're from the South, if you're not from the South, if you're like one of my international friends listening, or you're maybe you're from the North, um let me explain redneck train, okay? We are not talking about an actual train here.
Speaker: We are talking about a beefed up, meaning all the... how do you explain beefed up now that I stop and think about it? It's a lawnmower pulling a line of plastic barrels that somebody has cut holes into and turned into seats for children.
Speaker: Okay. Plastic barrels, hole carved into it, children are seated in the hole of the barrel okay a lawnmower pulls this thing Graham made a beeline for it i like started running his little heart his little toddler heart two and a half three year old about this time running toward this redneck train he got in one of those barrels and and the conductor you know, rode, like started up the engine, rode around the church parking lot. Graham would get off and he would get right back in line. Actually, there was no line. He just hopped. He didn't care if there was a line. He just hopped in one of those barrels, cut right in line. Probably.
Speaker: Um, he did it again and again, and for three hours, he did this after about the fourth trip around. they They just did not get him out of the barrel anymore. They just let him take the trip right up. Like, okay, here we go again. Let's take another trip. And I watched my kid, my son, make hundreds of laps around the church parking lot in this redneck train.
Speaker: Happy as he could be. And every single lap, another lap he made, the conductor who was just basically a deacon in overalls gave him a tootsie roll. Every single lap. Graham didn't even like Tootsie Rolls. He still does. None of our family likes Tootsie Rolls, but he yeah he had a Mr. Incredible suit was packed with Tootsie Rolls, man.
Speaker: And from Graham's perspective, this was just the greatest event, the greatest machinery anyone had ever designed. And I think I remember at some point during that night, I looking around at other kids bouncing on the bounce houses and going from activity activity and playing all the games and getting their faces painted and visiting animals at the petting zoo, doing all the things, right? And looking back at Graham, who had absolutely no interest in any of all that.
Speaker: He wanted the train again and again and again. Lap, lap, lap, lap. I just sat and and Levi and the baby carrier on my chest, right? Just sat and watched him make lap after lap after lap after lap.
Speaker: That was one of those moments where I remember thinking, this just doesn't add up. Like, this is just something's different. Like, why would he, like why would he love this one thing so very much, but all the other things aren't, you know, enticing?
Speaker: Hmm. Did I know he was autistic? No, I had no, no idea. Not on our radar. But years later, when I was looking at pictures, when it popped up on my little, you know, memories thing after we got the diagnosis and I understood Graham a little bit better, i could look back at that night and go, oh, yeah, there it is.
Speaker: Of course he loved the redneck train. Think about it, friends. Think with me. Here's what here' my processing when i when the lights went off, light bulb in my head. Wheels, repetition, sensory input, rhythm, predictability, and a tootsie roll every single time. Even if he didn't like it, he just got it, right? Right?
Speaker: The kid had cracked the system, right? There's predictability. In a world, a sensory storm of what's called a fall festival, Graham had gone, nope, gonna sit right here in this bucket.
Speaker: And you are just going to have to deal with it. And you're going to give tootsie roll. And mom, you're you're perfectly fine sitting in that lawn chair with ah the baby who's asleep. You don't have to walk around and be on your feet. I mean, yeah.
Speaker: I look back. Genius, Graham. Genius. So, okay. I tell that story on Instagram. Back to PTSD. I told that story on Instagram and the evangelical police. And if you're unfamiliar with that what that term means, it just means Christians who like to tell other Christians or whatever of their shortcomings. Okay. Okay. Um, they came out of, of the four corners of the internet and got on that reel and absolutely blasted me to pieces of how I can't raise disciples and, and celebrate Halloween. But I, I did, I really just don't care anymore. I don't care because you know what? That's my story. That story I just told you is my story. And it happened to land on October 31st. Okay.
Speaker: um But what I love about that story is that I now can look back and see Graham so much more clearly than I i could then. At that time, I saw a little boy doing something none of the other kids were doing, and I wondered why.
Speaker: Now I can look at that same little boy. Actually, not really little anymore. He's pretty big. And understand what that experience was giving him was was input, right? And that's really what this whole podcast, ah Raising Autism Disciples, it's what it's all about. Learning how our kids experience the world. or Learning how they learn best and how we can help navigate it. Help them navigate it.
Speaker: And ultimately, as we know that, as we learn them and have that knowledge, we can ultimately disciple them to know and love God forever, to help them know and discover ah their their how God wired them and to follow Jesus for the rest of their lives.
Speaker: Which brings me back to October 31st. Because while Graham apparently found the one activity at the fall festival perfectly designed for his autistic brain, can we also acknowledge that taking an entire sensory heavy night, blowing up those 12 inflatables, adding the blaring music and lights and costumes and crowds and food trucks and games and sugar, people everywhere and all...
Speaker: And then just calling it outreach may have not been the best accessible ministry strategy we've ever come up with. Can I just say that? um We may be, we may can talk about that another I'm not dogging it. If your church does it, I'm so grateful. I'm not dogging it. It has, it has its purpose. But because today, what I really want to talk about is the other completely rational activity that we've all agreed to participate in.
Speaker: Trick or treating. Because when you actually stop and you think about it, trick or treating is absolutely insane. Now, i'm not I'm not talking about like it's insane from a moral... Remember, we already had the evangelical police. I'm not the evangelical police coming after you when I'm saying it's absolutely insane. I'm saying the logic of it. What we're about to talk about, the logic of it. as ah It's absolutely insane. especially when you're raising an autistic a kid okay it's absolutely so let me give you another big preface before we move on any further you may not trick-or-treat you may not you you may not participate in halloween at all and that's totally fine i'm not here to convince you to do otherwise okay this is not the episode where lara presents her theological defense of october 31st i don't have one
Speaker: You make the decision that you believe honors the Lord for your family and i will happily let you make it. I'm not going to try to convince you. But here's the thing. Some families do. Okay. Some families do participate. And participate meaning they dress up, they let their kids dress up in a costume and go around and meet their neighbors and go trick or treating for candy. Or they go to a church fall festival or do trunk or treat. Right.
Speaker: So again, I'm not trying to convince anybody to participate in a... holiday that celebrates what we you know the paganism of all that i'm simply talking to those of us who do and saying okay if we're going to do this thing with our autistic kids we can acknowledge for a minute how absolutely bizarre this whole thing is okay but again this is about surviving so here we here we go drum roll please okay so Let's just review the rules of October 31st for a second.
Speaker: I want you to think for a second about what we teach our autistic kids, ah any of our children, honestly, all year long. Are you ready for this progression of logic we work on all year long? Are you ready?
Speaker: Here it is. Don't talk to strangers. Don't take candy from strangers. Don't walk into strangers' property. Don't go into a stranger's house. If the stranger offers you candy, red flag, find an adult. Tell your parents potential kidnapping situation.
Speaker: Check all those boxes. Our kids have been briefed, right? After spending all year on all those things. Then October 31st arrives and we're like, okay, forget all that. Tonight we're doing the exact opposite.
Speaker: The exact opposite. Tonight, I need you to put on an outfit you've never worn before. You probably never will again. It may have a mask. It may restrict your vision. It may have a cape. It may be made entirely of that stupid polyester stuff.
Speaker: It may have a tag in the back that's the size of an actual packing label. And then we're going to go outside and depending on where you leave, it's either going to be freezing or a furnace. At night in the dark, we're going to walk around the neighborhood.
Speaker: We're going to approach strangers' homes, walk onto their property, ring their doorbell, wait for the stranger to appear. Then, and this is the very important part, You need to say this exact socially expected phrase.
Speaker: Trick or treat. Then the stranger will give you food. Take it. Don't eat it yet though. Then say, thank you, said stranger.
Speaker: Then immediately leave. Do not enter their house. Repeat. Repeat it. That process approximately 37 more times. Ready? And have fun.
Speaker: for that the Oh, this seems like a very reasonable autism activity. That's sarcasm. Sarcasm again, by the way. like i just want to say throughout this whole series, like, geez, always bless their hearts that they're having it. Like, this makes no logical sense.
Speaker: Okay, here's the next section of this podcast. Go up there.
Speaker: Go, go, go up there. i just chuckled a little bit because the the headings in my notes, like the next side section, like I said, is go up there with an exclamation point. um So let's list these bizarre things that our kids have to overcome that are absolutely ridiculous on October 31st.
Speaker: Go up there.
Speaker: And I think this is one of those things where if you're not raising an autistic kid, you don't realize how many social rules are actually packed into one tiny interaction. Because everybody everybody else sees.
Speaker: Kid walks to the door. Kids gets candy. Done. But think about what we're actually asking. Approach an unfamiliar person. Initiate interaction. Use scripted greeting at the correct time.
Speaker: Wait. Receive something. Respond appropriately. Possibly make a choice from a bowl while someone waits for you. Possibly answer, quote, and what are you supposed to be?
Speaker: Then respond to whatever they say about your costume. Then remember the closing script. Then disengage from the interaction. Then transition away from the thing that you just received. Then do it again and again and again. Meanwhile, parent is standing 15 feet away doing the universal parenting whisper yell.
Speaker: Graham, say trick or treat. Graham, say trick treat. Nothing. He says nothing. Buddy, what do you say?
Speaker: Crickets, nothing. What do you say? and now I have somehow turned free candy into an oral examination where you, there's, that we are doing speech therapy in a stranger's front yard.
Speaker: Jeez Louise. At some point I have to ask myself, larry what are we doing? this This gentleman holding a bowl of Snickers. This is not a job interview. You know what I'm talking about? Poor Graham. Like, Jesus.
Speaker: Anybody tracking with me here? Okay, point number two. And then there's the front door. ah Y'all, friend told me this story. I've never forgotten.
Speaker: She took her autistic kid trick-or-treating. And um she she barely got there. We both were like, our stomachs were hurting laughing so much. Again, just like just like the previous episode, the intro told it, like we may laugh at this weeks later or years later. We weren't laughing. We weren't laughing in the in the beginning, right? They walk up to the house, she says. They they knock on the door. Again, parent stands a little bad because we want them to experience stuff, you know? you know They walk to door. the The kid, you know her son knocks on the door.
Speaker: um and the homeowner opens the door her kid walks right past the homeowner just goes inside into their house and just makes himself at home and listen i understand that technically we're supposed to say oh no we don't go into inside people's houses safety boundaries absolutely we will teach them all that but part of me is also like well Neighbor, you you you did open the door and say hi. You know, the kid assessed the situation.
Speaker: And apparently your floor plan just looked absolutely promising to him. they He made himself at home. He just sat right down in the in the recliner. You know, football's on TV. He just, you know.
Speaker: sat back, relaxed. Maybe he was tired of trick-or-treating. Maybe he was trying to tell tell us something that's ridiculous going on. You seriously though, imagine trying to explain the social cues and rules to a literal thinker.
Speaker: Yes, buddy. We walk up to a stranger's house. Yes, bud. We do ring the de doorbell. Yeah, we we wait for them to open the door. They're going to open the door like any other situation.
Speaker: Yes, they are happy to see us. Yes, they're about to give us something. But no, no, you don't. We don't go in. We don't go. We can't enter. And when our kid looks back at why they open the door, because it's the one night of the year where that doesn't apply. Like October 31st rules, you know, come on. Wait, like, this is just what ridiculous.
Speaker: Gosh, bless their hearts of us having like, you see what? Like just, Oh, geez louise. Okay. And that's one of the things like raising Graham has taught me to realize so many things i consider obvious aren't obvious. Right?
Speaker: They're socially learned, right? Nobody handed me a trick-or-treat handbook. I just absorb those rules over time. I know how close to stand the door. I know we don't enter. I know when to say the phrase at the right time. I know when the interaction is over and I leave.
Speaker: I know you're supposed to take one piece unless you're told otherwise. I know you don't dig through the bowl for 45 seconds looking for the exact candy you want while 12 other children are waiting behind you. I know when somebody says, take a couple, then you just take two. They probably don't mean the entire bowl into your bag.
Speaker: There are unwritten rules everywhere and autistic individuals may not automatically pick up on those rules so simply by watching everybody else. Sometimes we need to teach them explicitly and that isn't a deficiency of character. It just means tell them the rules.
Speaker: Okay, which means leads me to a such an important third point to this particular episode. You ready for this? this is This needs to go in your tool belt, in your back pocket to implement this week, like today, tomorrow, when your kid gets home from school. Implement. Point number three, practice said weird thing.
Speaker: Practice the weird thing. So here's my example, my favorite strategy for events like this. And this goes to any event we're about to participate in the next 60 days. Practice the weird thing before you do the weird thing.
Speaker: Because trick-or-treating is weird. And I'm not, again, I'm not talking about like, some of you are probably like listening. You're like well, that's why we all do trick or we don't do this pagan holiday. Okay, whatever. But what I'm saying is it is weird.
Speaker: It is weird. So practice. If you're going to do that, that's an enjoyable time for all of your family to be together, to go to everybody's homes. and Maybe you just do grandparents or something like this But it's no matter how you do it, the method of it is still weird for your autistic kid.
Speaker: So practice at home, not knock on your kid's bedroom door, have dad answer and say, trick or treat, candy. Then you say, thank you. And then you walk away.
Speaker: Again, maybe practice on, you know, grandma, right? Maybe a sibling or use a visual schedule, and like print out pictures and things of that. Watch a video of maybe how this is handled and tell your child, first, we're going to walk to the door.
Speaker: Then we're going to knock. Then someone will open the door. Then you say trick or treat or say it when you want. Who cares? Then they'll give you candy. You say thank you back. And then you walk back to mom. So you're like practicing the weird thing.
Speaker: Now, the completely bizarre social ritual has become a sequence and sequences are helpful to our autistic kids. Because sometimes we look at a kid struggling with something and assume he doesn't want to participate.
Speaker: Well, maybe. Or maybe he has absolutely no idea what we're doing and the craziness of it all. That is fair too. Because logically this doesn't make sense.
Speaker: Right? Honestly, there are adult social events where I also benefit from someone handing me a visual schedule. Right? But like think about like the first you make small talk for seven minutes. Then there will be food. Then you may leave at 830. Perfect. Thank you. I can do that.
Speaker: you so You know what I mean? Okay. Point number four. Can we talk about costumes?
Speaker: costumes nothing says let's have a sensory friendly evening like an expensive piece of that polyester touching every square inch of your body tags and mask and face point and hats and elastic and velcro and plastic and fake fur and capes and all the stuff things on your head things around your waist things covering your face and and then we act confused when the autistic kid doesn't want to wear the costume we We say, but he picked it out. Yes, he did picked it pick it out.
Speaker: He liked the idea of Spider-Man. He did not realize Spider-Man's suit was manufactured from industry-grade itch.
Speaker: Those are different pieces of information. Okay. And this is where our question from the original, from the intro episode comes back. Is this necessary or is it just how I pictured it? Does he need the mask?
Speaker: Does she need the face paint? it ah Is the costume even necessary or just an accessory? Could we put the costume over familiar clothes? Could he wear the shirt but skip the pants? Could we do pajamas that look like a costume?
Speaker: Okay. Could she dress as something that basically her normal clothes would put a hat on? Could the hat last for the the picture and then disappear? You know? Because sometimes I think we accidentally make participation harder because we're committed to the full costume experience.
Speaker: Listen, friend. Okay. but can we get can Can I get big sister on you? Nobody is judging the costume for historical accuracy. This is not Broadway. He's six.
Speaker: Let Batman wear sweatpants. Gotham will survive. Okay. You want to know, the thing. You want to know what we've done for the last five years? I'll tell you.
Speaker: I honestly think this is, i like, I kind of, I kind of do this. for I kind of pat myself on it. This is honestly the, think the one of the best mom hacks I've done in my entire life. Okay.
Speaker: Okay. What season does October 31st fall into? technically fall. Now, if you live in the south, it could mean absolutely anything. It could be 87 degrees because apparently we're enjoying summer part two or once in a while, once in a while.
Speaker: What will happen is the Lord blesses us with a mediocre winter and eventually these children are going to need what? They're going to need a jacket. And listen, I know I'm getting old.
Speaker: I'm absolutely getting more cheaper the more I get old too. It physically pains me that we spend money on something my kid is only going to wear one time.
Speaker: Plus, have you done a cost analysis on a costume lately? Those things are like 50 bucks. When we were growing up, they may have been seven. Okay. Okay. You know that other article of clothing costs around 50 bucks too that my child is actually going to need for the next four months?
Speaker: A jacket. So about five years ago, we made a compromise. You can be a Marvel character, whatever one you want, whatever superhero, as long as one comes with a jacket. Spider-Man, great. Captain America, fantastic. Pick your superhero, pick your jacket.
Speaker: Congratulations, you now have a kind Halloween costume and outerwear through February. Done. Problem solved. You get to participate. I don't have to spend 50 bucks on an industrial grade itch. That will be abandoned on my bedroom floor after 17 minutes. And tomorrow you can wear your costume to school.
Speaker: Your jacket to school. Because it's a jacket. every Everyone wins. That, my friends, is what I call an accommodation with a return on investment. Hack of the year.
Speaker: You're welcome.
Speaker: Okay, which leads me to number five. Rant over. Number five, buddy won't say trick or treat. Jeez. Okay, let's talk about it. Buddy won't say trick or treat. Oh, geez, Louise, friends. This honestly, this one gets on my nerves. I can't lie to you. Can we release ourselves from this one?
Speaker: Can you release your child, your kid from this one? your Your kid may not say trick or treat. It may be nonverbal, right? Maybe they need an AAC device. Maybe they freeze when a stranger opens the door.
Speaker: Maybe they they have words well at home and suddenly they cannot, they you know, access them when a 72-year-old man dressed like a pirate staring at them. or Or they whisper or you say it for them. Maybe they hold up their bag. Maybe they have a card that says it on there, right?
Speaker: Maybe they do absolutely nothing except stand there. And guess what? The adult at the door can still put the Kit Kat in the back. Friends, this is not something we need to get all bent out of shape over.
Speaker: And I know, listen, it is a good time to teach manners, right? I want to teach Graham gratitude too. I want him to learn when someone gives you something, we acknowledge them and we say thank you, right? That's a good skill.
Speaker: But gratitude and performing the social expected response on demand are not necessarily the same thing. Trick or treat and thank you are not the same thing. Okay, let's be. So an adult holding an expectation to a kid at the door to say trick or treat before they give kids candidly. That's when we go, that's when the ah the mom says, thank you. If we're going to require that, i'm we'll just go to another house because trick or treat and thank you are not same thing. Okay, my autistic kid is already managing the costume, the darkness, the people, the noise, the crowd, walking up to an unfamiliar house, standing in front of a stranger, remembering the sequence and holding out his bag. Maybe participation is already happening. I don't need to turn the front door into a speech evaluation.
Speaker: And maybe tonight I don't stand behind him going, what do you say, Graham? What do you say, Graham? What do you say, Graham? Jeez Louise. Gosh, this is, this is insane. This whole logic is insane. Listen, again, let me preface. I'm not saying not do it. I'm just saying don't hold the social expectation to our autistic kids when we are more, we need to be more concerned on meaningful participation. We're a family. We're doing something as a family. Let's do it. Let's have fun. Not, not analyzing every single unwritten rule there is and not checking off boxes.
Speaker: We can practice it. We can practice the weird thing before we do said weird thing. We can work on it. we can We can work on thank you more than we work on trick or treat. That's probably a good thing. We can model that. We can practice it at home when there is isn't a pirate standing, you know, staring at our kids. But if we get to the door and the words don't come and it does not have to be a but it does not have to be a battle that evening, mom,
Speaker: dead Put the candy in the bag. mom you Mom, dad, you can say thank you and we can try at the next house. We're going to be okay. Okay? don't Do not force or or evaluate them on saying the words trick or treat.
Speaker: Okay? My watch just told me my heart went up on that one. Okay. Point number six. Maybe they don't want to go to the door. And there's another possibility. Maybe your kid just doesn't want to go up there. Maybe that porch decorations move. Okay?
Speaker: Or there's a giant inflatable or there's fog or that house has a dog in the window. Let me just tell you, that counts Graham Roberts out. He is terrified of dogs. Even little ones that are like 40 times smaller than him. Maybe, you know, there's so many motion activated things now and and we're like, go up there, buddy, get up there. No, that child has correctly assessed the threat level.
Speaker: I'm with him. That stupid skeleton is unnecessary. It's scary. You know, again, maybe skip that house. Okay. Maybe mom goes up there. now Absolutely. Just if they're scary dirt decoration, don't just don't do it. Right. That, that is where wisdom comes in as Christians, like where, you know what, we don't will ah go to houses. You've already spec'd out the the neighborhood, go to houses that, you know, are appropriate. Right.
Speaker: Okay. So,
Speaker: do do where the environment is predictable right um listen maybe you participate for 15 minutes and then you're you're good maybe that may be five houses not 15 okay because the goal isn't to complete trick-or-treating according to the neighborhood standards the goal is participation in a way your child the one you are learning can actually access and have fun if you If you, if all the fun is ripped out, why even do it? Right.
Speaker: And that's what, that's really what I'm getting at is like, our family doesn't technically participate. Like we, we go to people's houses. We know just because our kids like dressing up again. I think that, that Instagram creator that I saw, like Jesus knows the difference between our kids dressing up and asking for candy and then, demonic butre we're not we're adults here like we don't you know so I'm just saying for those of you that do like to participate in just the Halloween dressing up and the candy things these are just mind fly just for you but if you're sucking all the fun out of it why do it like this is not time for our kids to learn crazy amount of hidden expectations in one night
Speaker: Number seven, safety changes everything. Now, there's one area where I'm not going to say, eh, lower the expectation, and that's safety. Because October 31st adds some legitimate safety issues for our ah for our families navigating autism. It's dark. There are cars. There are crowds. Children are excited. People are wearing masks. Visual information is different. Normal neighborhood landmarks may look different. And if your child has a tendency to elope or bolt, this isn't the night to casually test whether that's improved.
Speaker: You get me? Know your kid. Hold hands if that's what safety requires. Use whatever safety support your family normally loses. This may be the time to dig out the harness. You know what I'm saying? Have enough adults.
Speaker: are All eyes on Graham type of thing. Make a plan. If your kid can understand it, establish the boundary before you leave. stay with mom walks we stop at the sidewalk we don't cross until dad says we don't go inside houses that last one is apparently worth explicitly mentioning based on the previous story learn from those who have gone before you make a social story with visuals and practice them do the weird thing before doing the weird thing number eight Oh, the candy. Then there's candy, which it's its its own thing, own adventure, because we're going to spend an hour collecting a giant bag of candy, highly preferred food, and then tell the autistic kid they cannot have the highly preferred food.
Speaker: I see no possible conflict arising in this arrangement. Again, sarcasm. Look at all this candy. Can I have it? No. When? Later. When's later? After dinner. When is dinner? When we get home.
Speaker: When are we going home? After we finish. And when are we finished? I don't know, Graham. We're making memories here. Do you see how crazy this is? See, when you talk it out, like this is really, this podcast is really first time for me just like that. Actually talk it out. is actually, I mean, think about it.
Speaker: I'd love to know. DM me your responses on Instagram. Anyway, so if we're waiting, if waiting is hard for your kid, have a plan before the bag is full. Maybe no, you know, maybe, maybe they know that they can choose one, maybe establish what happens when you get home. Maybe you don't care.
Speaker: and tonight is just free for all. That's between you and your family dynamic. i'm I'm not going to govern your Reese's consumption. I will tell you that was one of the most disappointing nights when I, you know, the whole redneck train thing is because Like I anticipated eating all my kids candy after it and he just rode the train and I hate tootsie rolls. You know what i'm saying? So that was another thing, you know.
Speaker: She says what it is. Anyway, here's the thing. If the expectation matters, tell the kid before holding up nine pounds of candy. That's generally better than inventing the rule afterwards.
Speaker: Just FYI. Okay, number nine. You don't have to maximize the experience. This is where I think October 31st, Halloween, gives us our first really good lesson for the whole season to come.
Speaker: You do not have to maximize every experience to the max. Okay. I do have this tendency. I'm not gonna lie to you. If something is going well, let's do more. He's doing great. Another street, another house, another event. Stay longer. We paid for this. We're already here. Everybody's having fun. And sometimes wisdom says, hu that's enough.
Speaker: Like that's your line. We had fun. He participated. He learned something. Okay, time to go. home. You do not have to extract every possible ounce of holiday enjoyment from one event. There's no price for maximizing trick-or-treat efficiency. there's no but There's not judgment, right? there There is nobody judging. Your child does not need a pillowcase containing 12 pounds of sugar to prove the evening was successful.
Speaker: Sometimes five houses a win and sometimes one is a win. Jeez Louise. Sometimes just putting on the costume and just saying, hey, I did it is a win. Walking outside, watching other kids is a win. Sometimes handing out candy is a win. Sometimes staying at your own house, sitting outside and having your autistic kid hand out candy is the win. We'll get to that in a second.
Speaker: Listen, sometimes just going, you know what? This is a win for this year. well well We'll try another learning time next year. Okay, which leads me, you know, as we close out this episode to the last section, what if your autistic disciple is an adult? What if you've raised an adult? And I know I have many...
Speaker: um many parents that are raising the aut autistic disciple listening and sometimes i lean more toward kid heavy content and i do apologize for that it's just the perspective in the season i'm in and so i do want to speak to those of you who are raising an adult though um talking about meaningful ways to participate ah You know, Graham is still a kid and so I'm still in that season. But if you're listening, um I know, brother, sister, i know can get complicated as our kids get older because maybe your autistic adult still loves this thing that we do on October 31st. Maybe they love the costume or walking through the neighborhood or getting candy and repetition of going house to house and...
Speaker: And they've been looking forward to it for weeks. And now you're trying to figure out, do we do we keep doing this? Or are they too old? Or what are what are people going to think of an an autistic grown adult doing this?
Speaker: How are people going to respond to an adult in a costume at their door asking for candy? And friends, I think there's a lot of nuance here in this conversation. um I don't want to pretend like there isn't. Safety matters. Your neighborhood matters. Your son or daughter's support needs matter. Their joy matters too if they enjoy this. Their ability to and to understand the interactions matter.
Speaker: There may be some people who respond beautifully and let's just face it, we all know that there's some people who don't. I think you have to know you are autistic adult and make the decision that makes sense for your family. But I also don't think turning 18 means somebody suddenly has to stop enjoying something that brings them genuine joy just because society says there's an age limit on fun.
Speaker: So if your autistic adult loves dressing up and walking around the neighborhood, I think there can be absolute ways to support them in participating that. Maybe it's your small group at church that does it just for them or something like that. But I also want you to consider another option.
Speaker: that I think could be absolutely meaningful. What if they did help out handing out the candy at your door? Because now we're flipping the interaction around. Instead of approaching unfamiliar doors, people are coming to you. You can prepare the environment. You can have a chair outside. You can have the candy ready. You can practice the the interaction. They can hand out the candy, wave, use AAC, say hello, compliment costumes, participate however they're able, and they get to be a part of what's happening in the neighborhood instead of being tucked away from it, right? And this is where I'm going to step carefully because as we have thoroughly established, people have thoughts on Halloween.
Speaker: Right. And I've, I've even said in this episode, I keep kind of contradicting myself or may you, may you, you may think I am about this is so insane. I'm not saying it's insane. Why do we do this? I'm just saying the logic behind it is insane. But our church currently doesn't have a fall festival.
Speaker: And we don't, we don't necessarily have the language at our church that we quote celebrate Halloween. No, we don't say that. i I don't ever say that we celebrate this this holiday. What I say is we participate in something that this is what we've come to understand. This right here.
Speaker: um And if your family doesn't do it, I respect that. You can email me your thoughts. But remember, I've turned 40. We've covered this. But here's here's one thing our church has encouraged us to do. And I absolutely love it. And it's changed the way I've thought about this night for the past 10 years.
Speaker: This is the one thing. this is This is one of the only nights of the year that our neighbors come to us. This is one of the only nights of the year that our neighbors approach us that come to us. Think about that. People we barely know are walking down our street. Families are outside. Kids are running through the neighborhood. People are literally walking up our driveway and approaching our front door. And as followers of Jesus, what an opportunity to simply open it.
Speaker: not because someone Not because handing out Reese's is evangelism. Let's not let's not go. you know it's on Okay, you understand. But because hospitality matters. Knowing our neighbors for the sake of the gospel. That matters. Being present matters.
Speaker: Having conversations with them. Learning their names. Being the kind of people who turn on a porch light, pull up a chair, smile, and have a conversation with the people who live around us is absolutely important too. And that that's that's a great commission on display.
Speaker: We talk all the time about wanting to reach our neighbors with the so for the gospel. And once a year, one night, they come to us. Right? They come to us and we're like, oh no, absolutely not. Turn off the lights. Nobody move. We're not going open the door. Again, I'll let you make this decision that and then what honors the Lord and in your family dynamic. But for those of us who do participate in in doing a activity,
Speaker: where we're near our neighbors and having conversation, I think there's an opportunity here that goes beyond candy. We can be a light on October 31st. Maybe you just walk through the neighborhood with your autistic kid or adult and you talk to people. Maybe you just meet a neighbor you've never met before. Maybe your child gets to practice saying hello. That's a win.
Speaker: Maybe you sit outside your house with your adult autistic kid and you hand out candy. Fill the bowl. Greet people. Hand out candy. Tell someone you like their costume. Whatever participation looks like for them.
Speaker: Insert gospel opportunities when you can. Every chance we get. And especially, i especially love that last sentence. How can my autistic disciple access this experience?
Speaker: Instead of asking that, how can my autistic disciple access this experience? We now are asking, how can my autistic disciple contribute? Man, man, how can my autistic disciple contribute? Because discipleship is not just about creating opportunities for autistic people receive. We want them to grow. We want them to serve. We want them to love our neighbors, their neighbors, because they're their neighbors too. We want them to participate in the mission of Jesus in ways God has equipped them to participate. So maybe on October 31st, loving your neighbor looks incredibly important.
Speaker: complicated to you. Maybe you're sitting back going, maybe how do I help my autistic adult or my autistic kid participate? Maybe it looks like sitting in a lawn chair beside your autistic kid, holding a giant bowl of Kit Kats, learning the names of the people who live three houses down from you. That sounds pretty accessible to me. And then your neighbors you know what you know as I'm as I'm recording this podcast and some of you remember my Instagram reel about the cops coming to my house after um man I can't believe I'm putting this together as I'm talking some of you remember my my reel about a year ago of the cops being called to my house after Graham screamed while we were trying to give him a haircut and a neighbor called the cops on just making sure but we weren't
Speaker: We weren't abusing our children, which I'll do another podcast on that. And maybe, look at this, maybe October 31st is an opportunity for our neighbors to understand what's inside our homes.
Speaker: And if I sit outside my house and my neighbors can clearly see that my kid is autistic, maybe they'll have a little bit of an understanding. that that's That's what I mean by causing awareness. You see how I put those two together? So yeah, I'm not i'm not trying to convince you to to celebrate. I haven't done that in this podcast. I'm not telling you what to celebrate. I'm telling you, man, this may be an opportunity for things we we haven't put together.
Speaker: So lastly, number 10, don't compare kids, friend. Don't compare I wanted to add that piece because i do feel pretty strongly about the evangelistic opportunity we have here if our neighbors would come to us. But I don't want you to think about, i want you to think about how we can be present, how we can be hospitable, how our autistic selves can be part of being hospitable. But whether or not the night looks like sitting in your driveway handing out candy or making your way around the neighborhood, there's one thing I want to encourage you with before we wrap this up. Don't measure your night against somebody else's.
Speaker: Please do not do this to yourself. Don't stand there watching other kids run around the house and start measuring. I know it's hard. I know there's a grief there a little bit that it's not how you look. But what what what it happens is you start looking at everybody, what costumes they're wearing, how they're staying with the group, saying thank you, how much fun they're having. And meanwhile, your child has been removed, has already moved half their costume, is drinking rainwater from the storm drain.
Speaker: that That's just where we are. and It's true story, by the way. That's our night. Their kid is dressed like Captain America, smiling for pictures, politely saying thank you for every piece of candy, and mine is shirtless in the neighbor's birdbath.
Speaker: Yeah. Friends, just listen. As as easy it is it's going to be hard not to compare, but just don't do it to yourself. Don't take somebody else's kid having a completely different experience and use it as evidence that your kid somehow is doing it wrong.
Speaker: He's not doing Halloween wrong. He or she, your autistic kid, is just being them. He's just being Graham. And my job isn't to get him to look like the next door neighbor.
Speaker: Isn't ist my job to look like the kid next door. My job is to learn my kid. Comparison is especially cruel during the holidays. Because holidays are basically designed for photographs.
Speaker: You see the picture? You don't see what happened 10 minutes before it. You don't see what happened in the car on the ride home. You don't see how much preparation another family did. You don't see the recovery afterward.
Speaker: But families like ours are living it. And most importantly, their child isn't your assignment. The one that God gave you is. Learn that, friend. Learn that kid. What helps your kid?
Speaker: What overwhelms them? What does participation look like? Where are growth? where can Where can we work towards growth? That's enough, not comparisons. And this is actually good practice for us.
Speaker: Like this type of interaction in October 31st. and And for all my joking about how bizarre trick-or-treating is, this is actually a fantastic opportunity to practice skills like waiting and transitioning, following a sequence, communicating, safety, social interaction, flexibility, advocating, awareness, we're recognizing when we're done.
Speaker: Trying something familiar. This just may be preparation for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Like, okay, when we're done, we're done, right? we We get to go home now. but We have met our capacity, right? Those are meaningful skills, which is why I don't want our response to always be, this might be hard, so we just don't do it. Sometimes we do the hard thing.
Speaker: We just support the person while they're doing it. More preparation, maybe fewer repetitions, You know, maybe a different costume, maybe communication support, maybe supervision, you know, maybe guidance, ah definitely guidance or a shorter route.
Speaker: Support doesn't look like eliminating growth. Support makes growth possible. That's a principle I'm coming back to throughout the series. Growth. Support doesn't eliminate growth. Support makes growth possible.
Speaker: Because here's what I do love about moments like the night of October 31st. They expose all the unwritten rules. All the things society just assumes people understand. And raising an autistic kid has made me notice them.
Speaker: Why do we do this? Why does this matter? What exactly am I expecting him to know? Did anyone actually teach him? Is this a character issue or is this a safety issue? A social convention? A sensory issue? Or is this just somebody, just something everybody does because everybody does it? Those are good questions.
Speaker: Not just for the season, but for parenting, for the church, for discipleship. Why do we do the thing we do? And it don't make a lot of sense when you think about it. Whatever that, you know, insert the blank.
Speaker: Because when I'm discipling, Graham, I don't want to spend all my energy teaching him to perform social normalcy and accidentally miss the things that actually matter. kindness, truthfulness, safety, gratitude, loving our neighbors, and following Jesus, right?
Speaker: Whether he perfectly executes a cultural expectation, a cultural expected interaction while dressed like a dinosaur. I'm going to hold that one a little bit more loosely. Okay? So whatever tonight looks like, whatever, you know, in a week or if you're listening to this, October 31st, whether it's trick-or-treating or trunk-or-treat or fall festival or harvest celebration, reformation celebration, lights off for not participating in this household. in this household Great. I'm not, again, whatever you decide, just prepare for the weird thing.
Speaker: Practice the sequence. Make the costume tolerable. Explain the candy plan. Prioritize safety. Lower the unnecessary demands. Don't compare your child to the kid next door. And remember our question, is this necessary? Meaning the thing I'm stressing over, is it necessary or is it just how I picture how I pictured it or wanted it to go in my mind.
Speaker: Because maybe your autistic kid walks beautifully to every door, has the greatest night of their life. So much fun. Your whole family is just time their life. Maybe you can, you can store it as a memory that, you know, wow, we hit a home run.
Speaker: Maybe last year you didn't, maybe this year you did, maybe next year you won't. I don't know. Fantastic. Maybe they made it to three houses. Maybe they were wore the costume for 12 minutes yeah or they decided that they'd rather stay home and distribute candy. Fantastic. All of that are wins.
Speaker: And maybe someone opens their front door, your child walks straight past them and quickly takes a tour of their house and makes themselves comfortable in their living room. In that case, retrieve your child apologize to the homeowner review the social script and remember they that stranger did open the door you know they they knew it when they opened the door that could happen you know i'm just saying but on another note if you need another idea Colin and I just discussed it this past week we're going to load up the the van our van this is our new idea for this year If you need a new one, um we're going load up our van.
Speaker: Our street doesn't get much traffic. Like we don't get much people stopping by. um So it's kind of, we've done it for the past three years and we just, we don't get a lot of people. So we're going load up our van with people in our small group and we're going go visit um those in the nursing home in our church. um We're going to go ah visit a facility where a lot of our members of our church are at and their families and we're going to bring joy to them. Cause don't you know, going to start crying. Sorry guys. Don't you know that? Um,
Speaker: That brings joy to them. And this hits home for me because both my grandparents were in such facilities. and I remember the way that their face lit up when they saw kids. Especially when so cute ones dressed up as all kinds of things. So that's what we're going to do. We've decided this year and I'm i'm just like so excited about it.
Speaker: because it's a different spin on October 31st, um, that is full circle, right? It's going, you know what, maybe we try some different this year. Maybe, maybe, you know, all the social cues that are going we're going to, we're just going to take those to, um, some, some senior saints to, uh, to bring joy. And, and you know what, they don't care anyway. They, they,
Speaker: they uh they they just love it they they love it so anyway friends wow this has been our first practical episode of our surviving the holidays series one event down notice how i didn't say holiday down because you know evangelical police will come get me if i consider it it you know it's just it's an event in our book of 60 days it's just an event You know, approximately 61 days until society resumes normal operations. We're going to make it, friend. We're going to make it.
Speaker: We will survive. We may even thrive, but guess what? We're going laugh through it. Okay. So I'll see you in the next episode. Cue the music.
Speaker: Hey there friends. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Raising Autistic Disciples podcast. I was asked a question the other day by a friend and she asked, Hey, is it cost a lot to be on social media? Which I replied with a resounding yes. Yes, it does. Things like this podcast and other areas, of social media and email list and all the things it does cost so here i am unashamedly putting a plug in for you asking you would you please hit that subscribe button to follow would you please leave a rating or review on this podcast if you enjoyed it hey would you also jump over on amazon i got a few books over there how to advocate and stay christian and the three volumes of letter to lindsey man it would be i'd i'd really appreciate it if you grabbed one of those and uh hey give it to a friend But most importantly, friend, thanks for spending your time listening to this podcast and just spending a part of your day with me.
Speaker: Keep learning how your autistic kid learns best for the sake of the gospel. Keep opening your Bible so that you're a disciple before you can raise an autistic disciple. And of course, keep sharing the gospel both to yourself and to those around you.
Speaker: um I'm so grateful to be on this journey with you. To God be the glory. He's doing great things for his glory and our good.
