Transcript
Speaker: Good morning, children.
Speaker: It's time for another educational episode of Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: Recently, my wife told me about microplastics, which is
Speaker: probably a word you've heard thrown around.
Speaker: People are using it to buzz up a lot of clickbait.
Speaker: And she was worried because she says we're all consuming a lot of microplastics.
Speaker: And I started to wonder just how bad are microplastics?
Speaker: Here's some research I did.
Speaker: Some scientists have estimated the average person might eat five grams of microplastics in a week, which is about the weight of a credit card.
Speaker: Think about that.
Speaker: Your Visa card is going inside you every single week.
Speaker: And people are worried about that.
Speaker: Me?
Speaker: I'm not.
Speaker: Because just like credit card debt, what we can't see can't hurt us.
Speaker: Microplastics are basically invisible.
Speaker: You inhale 7,000 microplastics per day.
Speaker: Do you notice?
Speaker: Of course you don't.
Speaker: They say every third breath you inhale a microplastic.
Speaker: That's fucking badass.
Speaker: We are turning our bodies into Tupperware containers.
Speaker: We are human storage units, which means we are keeping ourselves fresher than ever.
Speaker: What happens if you leave some old food out in the pot?
Speaker: It gets disgusting.
Speaker: It will stick to the pot.
Speaker: It will grow mold.
Speaker: But if you put that spaghetti with bolognese inside Tupperware and throw it in the fridge, boom, you can eat that shit for weeks.
Speaker: Some people...
Speaker: think robots are taking over.
Speaker: If you listened to my episode last week about artificial intelligence, you'll know that my sex robot is currently trying to kill me.
Speaker: Well, if robots are trying to murder us all, then won't we stand a much better chance of surviving if we're made of plastic?
Speaker: I mean, metal versus plastic.
Speaker: Plastic
Speaker: is sustainable.
Speaker: Plastic will last.
Speaker: Humans, we break down in typically less than 100 years.
Speaker: You'll be lucky if you make it to 100.
Speaker: But plastic can last up to 600 years, maybe even longer.
Speaker: Don't you want to live a longer existence?
Speaker: Humans have evolved to survive.
Speaker: We have survived so many things that should have made us extinct.
Speaker: But we don't go extinct.
Speaker: We push on.
Speaker: We get stronger.
Speaker: And once our bodies get used to being filled with plastic, we are going to be practically immortal.
Speaker: Which is why.
Speaker: I recommend leaving your plastic water bottles in the sun before you drink them.
Speaker: It is the best way to get extra microplastics in.
Speaker: Now, you might think, ooh, that water tastes a little rancid, a little acrid.
Speaker: Good.
Speaker: That is pure microplastics going into your gullet and therefore going through your entire bloodstream.
Speaker: Other studies I read, they found microplastics in beer, wines with polyurethane stoppers, rice, table salts, even honey.
Speaker: Microplastics can be found in fruits and vegetables, apples, broccoli, carrots, with plants able to absorb nanoplastics through their root systems.
Speaker: Which means...
Speaker: It's really good to eat your fruits and vegetables just like your parents told you, everybody.
Speaker: They weren't just telling you because they wanted you to lay off the ice cream.
Speaker: No, they knew that by eating delicious, nutritious fruits and vegetables, what you're actually eating is a bunch of plastic.
Speaker: Pretty soon.
Speaker: We've heard about the great garbage patch that's in the middle of the ocean, right?
Speaker: Well, pretty soon, the ocean will have so much plastic, we'll be able to drive across it in our cars.
Speaker: Imagine that.
Speaker: You won't even have to get on a plane anymore to go from California to Australia.
Speaker: You can just drive your car right across the ocean.
Speaker: Oh, are you hungry and you can't find a store?
Speaker: Don't worry.
Speaker: There's dolphins right underneath you.
Speaker: You can pluck one out and then you can suck right on that dolphin's blowhole.
Speaker: You can put its fin inside your mouth.
Speaker: Not only are you tasting delicious dolphins,
Speaker: But you're also tasting more of that plastic.
Speaker: As a lot of you know, a few months ago I went to Tokyo.
Speaker: I went to Japan, I was in Osaka, I was in Hakone.
Speaker: But Tokyo specifically has 30 million people in a very tiny space.
Speaker: There's a stack on top of each other like Lego pieces.
Speaker: But if we keep using plastic the way we are,
Speaker: Soon, half those people could live on top of the Pacific!
Speaker: Isn't that incredible?
Speaker: They don't have to be in these tiny, little, 200-square-foot boxes anymore!
Speaker: No!
Speaker: I don't look at plastic as destroying the oceans.
Speaker: I look at it as expanding our living environment.
Speaker: Do you feel cramped?
Speaker: Are you tired of traffic?
Speaker: Well, imagine if more people lived on top of the ocean.
Speaker: Plastic is going to save all of us.
Speaker: One of the reasons why my wife brought this up, microplastics, is because we're attempting to have a baby right now.
Speaker: And we've been going through a lot of fertility things.
Speaker: And some of the methods we've used, she found out.
Speaker: So a sperm reaching the egg is the same equivalent as a human swimming 30 miles away.
Speaker: I can't swim 30 miles.
Speaker: And most of those sperm forget to put on their little swimmies.
Speaker: So they're drowning in the process.
Speaker: They can't make it that far.
Speaker: A human swimming for 30 miles?
Speaker: Think about what could happen.
Speaker: You could be eaten by sharks.
Speaker: You could be hit by a boat.
Speaker: Anything could happen.
Speaker: But microplastics, nanoplastics, are like little tiny rafts.
Speaker: going through from the cervix through the fallopian tubes all the way to the eggs.
Speaker: They're like those families that go from Cuba to Florida floating on an old refrigerator box.
Speaker: That's what a microplastic is.
Speaker: My sperm, instead of having to swim, they can latch themselves onto one of these little tiny rafts and they will float their way all the way until they fertilize the egg.
Speaker: Sounds pretty good to me.
Speaker: So when you see someone recycling plastic, feel free to laugh at them.
Speaker: Guffaw at them.
Speaker: Recycling is bogus.
Speaker: Instead,
Speaker: Boil that plastic down and drink it.
Speaker: It's not only better for the earth, it's better for you.
Speaker: Because the more plastic that's inside of you, the longer you are going to live.
Speaker: Now, some of you might have your opinions on this one, and I completely understand that.
Speaker: If you...
Speaker: want to argue with me in any way, which by the way, go ahead, because I already know I'm right.
Speaker: I'm like an evangelical Christian on this subject.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Tell me all the reasons I'm wrong, but I know.
Speaker: What you don't know, because my God believes in plastics.
Speaker: Otherwise, why would they be here, everybody?
Speaker: God wouldn't have let us invent something that would hurt the environment that he created or she or whatever source energy you believe in.
Speaker: So go ahead and make sure you subscribe to this podcast.
Speaker: Make sure you like it, share it.
Speaker: You can follow me at Hooper Hair Puff on all social media, but even better, why don't you come see me on the road and we can eat plastic together.
Speaker: I have shows coming up very, very soon all over Texas.
Speaker: I have Austin on the 16th of August, Houston on August 17th, Dallas and Fort Worth, August 18th and 19th, Phoenix, the 25th and the 26th, Eureka, California, September 1st and 2nd, Palm Springs, September 8th.
Speaker: All of these tickets.
Speaker: are available right now on my website.
Speaker: And of course, my brand new Comedy Central set is dropping August 9th on YouTube.
Speaker: So go check it out, especially if you're watching this on YouTube.
Speaker: You gotta watch that Comedy Central set.
Speaker: And until then...
Speaker: Do not smoke out of a glass bong or a pipe or even tinfoil.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Buy something that is made of plastic, like a two-liter bottle of soda, fashion that into a gravity bong, and just light that plastic on fire while you inhale.
Speaker: It might burn a little, but the burn is a good burn.
Speaker: It's that good hurt.
Speaker: So plastic up, everybody.
Speaker: Enjoy the rest of your week.
Speaker: I'll see you next time on Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: Plastic!
