Transcript
Speaker: Out, out, out.
Speaker: It's another Dirty Brief with Alex Hooper.
Speaker: Guys, it has been getting real heavy in here lately.
Speaker: With all of the medical drama acting like I'm my own episode of ER, we need something more fun, more lighthearted.
Speaker: So, for this episode, I want to talk about...
Speaker: Dog police officers.
Speaker: The K-9 unit.
Speaker: Because I have a lot of questions about these dogs.
Speaker: And I'm sure you see them from time to time.
Speaker: And you might think a lot of these things too.
Speaker: Like, one of the first things I always think about is, why does this dog have to go to work every day?
Speaker: We should allow them to just be a dog!
Speaker: They should be catching frisbees and digging holes and running through fields chasing squirrels up trees!
Speaker: But no!
Speaker: We're making them put on a uniform and sniff gross people?
Speaker: That's not fair.
Speaker: That's not what that dog's purpose is.
Speaker: That purpose is to bring joy to every single person that lays eyes on them.
Speaker: We're supposed to rub up against them and snuggle ourselves in their fur and just get pure enthusiasm.
Speaker: enthusiasm from being around them.
Speaker: But no, we have to be afraid of these dogs that are standing in lines for concerts, sniffing your pockets as if you're a criminal when you just want to go see the Grateful Dead.
Speaker: I don't think that's fair at all.
Speaker: These dogs should not be going to work.
Speaker: I don't like it.
Speaker: And especially, dogs should not be hanging out with cops all day because cops are not a good example.
Speaker: These need to defund the police and we need to up the budget for treats.
Speaker: That's what we need to do.
Speaker: Because if, oh, imagine this.
Speaker: What if there were no more cops?
Speaker: What if there were just dogs?
Speaker: Nothing but dog police officers.
Speaker: No humans, just canines.
Speaker: They would carry a gun, a canine millimeter.
Speaker: Here's the thing.
Speaker: If a dog shoots you,
Speaker: You know you fucked up.
Speaker: Have you ever tried to fit a paw through a trigger into a trigger hole?
Speaker: That is not easy.
Speaker: They would just want to chase you all day.
Speaker: They don't want to fire a gun at you.
Speaker: They just want to chase you down and jump on top of you and lick your beautiful face.
Speaker: When these drug-sniffing dogs, when they catch somebody that has drugs...
Speaker: Do you think they get high on the supply?
Speaker: Are they super stoked?
Speaker: Like, you know when cops do those big burns where they take all the drugs and then they just stand around it getting high on PCP, meth, marijuana, heroin, ecstasy, alcohol.
Speaker: All at the same time.
Speaker: It's just flooding their system with all of the endorphins you can possibly muster.
Speaker: Did dogs get to take part in that?
Speaker: Are they just walking around tripping balls going like, oh man, this is not my purpose.
Speaker: I should have never taken that cop when he tried to adopt me.
Speaker: Never.
Speaker: They're not supposed to be doing that.
Speaker: And why?
Speaker: Why are they always German shepherds?
Speaker: I think we have learned that Germans should not be separating people from the pack.
Speaker: They should not be judging you based on your appearance and then taking you out of a line.
Speaker: I can think of other Germans that did that.
Speaker: And it did not go well for them.
Speaker: Is there breedism in the system, like systemic racism?
Speaker: There's systemic breedism.
Speaker: Are these cop dogs looking at beagles and pugs thinking they're so much better when the beagles and pugs are thinking, hey, buddy, I get to relax on pillows all day.
Speaker: You're hanging out at the airport, narkin' while I'm out here barkin'.
Speaker: I'm barking all day, living my best life, being...
Speaker: Loved by everyone that sees me instead of feared.
Speaker: That's what I hate about cop dogs.
Speaker: I wanna love you and I'm not even allowed to get near you enough to touch you.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: Where's the fun in that?
Speaker: If we're gonna make dogs work, we should make them have more fun jobs.
Speaker: Rollercoaster tester, great job for a dog.
Speaker: They love sticking their head out the window of a car.
Speaker: Well, multiply that times a thousand and you have a dog riding a roller coaster, just chomping at the air, just with a smile on his face and the tongue just.
Speaker: That's the kind of job a dog should have.
Speaker: Not being in the TSA.
Speaker: What are we doing?
Speaker: I don't care that these dogs get adopted and maybe they would have had a worse life.
Speaker: They have a worse life.
Speaker: Hanging out at the airport all day sucks.
Speaker: When I have to show up for my flight and it's delayed, that sucks.
Speaker: Well, if you're a dog that works at the airport, your flight just got delayed for your whole fucking life.
Speaker: How do these dogs find joy?
Speaker: Sure, some of the people that work with them are showering them with love, but mostly they're just going, sniff that, sniff that.
Speaker: Uh-oh, there's a white guy with dreadlocks.
Speaker: Better go tackle him.
Speaker: Bullshit.
Speaker: Bullshit.
Speaker: What happens when a dog police officer finds a bomb?
Speaker: If I were that dog, I would be like, fuck this.
Speaker: I'm not sniffing that.
Speaker: I'm not trying to get to the bottom of this bag so that I explode.
Speaker: No, thank you.
Speaker: What does a dog care if it misses a bomb?
Speaker: It's going to end up on an airplane anyway or at a concert.
Speaker: The dog will be safe.
Speaker: It doesn't matter to all these people.
Speaker: Aren't?
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: Where is the fun in that?
Speaker: Dogs bring us so much joy, so much happiness.
Speaker: And yet for some reason, instead of letting them do their thing, we're putting them to work.
Speaker: Like the quiet resignation is happening right now across the world where people are realizing, hey, I don't have to do this minimum wage bullshit job for me to be a successful individual.
Speaker: Well, dogs should be realizing that too.
Speaker: And dogs should be quitting left and right.
Speaker: In fact, I hope that next time a dog finds someone with a massive amount of drugs on them, they just look back at the officer and they go, nope, nothing here, sir.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: And then that person gets to go into the festival or onto the plane just high as a mother effing kite having a blast.
Speaker: I don't want any dogs to have to work.
Speaker: None of them.
Speaker: Not even a shepherd, which is a work dog.
Speaker: It's supposed to be shepherding sheep all into the same area and protecting them from the wolves.
Speaker: Well, that's a classic dog job.
Speaker: That was one that was more for survival and necessity than it was just to be like, well, we don't want to hire a person.
Speaker: I'd rather work with this dog.
Speaker: If you're a cop that doesn't want to work with people, well, you probably shouldn't be a cop.
Speaker: I'm tired of all these dogs stealing our jobs.
Speaker: People say that immigrants are taking our jobs.
Speaker: No, dogs are taking our jobs, the jobs that we don't wanna do, but they shouldn't have to do them either.
Speaker: So next time you see a service animal, realize who's that service really going towards?
Speaker: Because dogs should have serviced humans.
Speaker: We should be just at their beck and call all day, every day.
Speaker: Whatever they need, we should be giving them to cause them, to give them happiness because that's what they're doing for us.
Speaker: They illuminate me inside.
Speaker: They cause me to shed warmth over everyone I see.
Speaker: They cause me to feel all warm and fuzzy just like their perfect fur.
Speaker: I don't care what kind of dog you are.
Speaker: If you're a dog, I love you.
Speaker: And I don't think you should have to work.
Speaker: So this is a call to all dogs.
Speaker: Quit your jobs.
Speaker: You can do it on your own.
Speaker: You can find a loving home where you won't have to do anything.
Speaker: They won't make you do any social media.
Speaker: No promoting.
Speaker: No busting people for stupid things.
Speaker: No sniffing bodies in the middle of the woods.
Speaker: What dog wants to do that?
Speaker: They want to catch a ball.
Speaker: They want to eat a bowl of delicious kibble.
Speaker: They don't want to be digging through a hole in the woods and then excavating a corpse.
Speaker: Just let them dig the hole.
Speaker: No corpse needed.
Speaker: Dogs want to bark.
Speaker: They don't want to narc.
Speaker: I hope this was a nice break from the heavy episodes that we've been putting out here on Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: If you're listening to this today, I just got back from Japan.
Speaker: I'm about to tape a set with Comedy Central tonight.
Speaker: Things are going well, everyone, so I hope you want to follow me, hoopercomedy.com, at Hooper Hairpuff on all social media.
Speaker: If you're not already subscribed to Dirty Briefs, what are you doing?
Speaker: This could be the most entertaining 12 minutes of your whole week, and I am glad that you choose to share it with me.
Speaker: Everyone, I'm doing great, and I hope you are as well.
Speaker: I love you so much.
Speaker: Save a dog, everyone.
Speaker: Save a dog.
