Transcript
Speaker: Hello, and welcome back to the Family Calm Flow podcast. I'm your host, Julie Marie, Family Dynamics Coach, and I am truly so psyched to have you back here and honored that you felt interested enough in hearing part two of my story, right? It's one thing to listen to part one, but dedicating or committing yourself to listening to part two really means a lot and is incredibly flattering.
Speaker: But in all honesty, i hope in hearing more of my story helps you get the clarity in what you would like to accomplish or heal or enjoy in hiring a family dynamics coach. And if it's the right time for you or if your situation would really benefit from it,
Speaker: I hope in hearing how getting education in family communication and family dynamics and the receiving I, the coaching I received on love, romantic partnerships, and family issues really made a beneficial impact in my life and can help you see what is possible for yours.
Speaker: We'll get more to the specifics of those towards the end of the show today, but i am going to start by going back to my own personal story.
Speaker: So like I had mentioned in the first podcast, I had always been interested in and studied family dynamics. However, getting pregnant with my first kiddo ah had me delve way deeper into those things because, well, my pregnancy brought up a lot for me and brought up a lot for my spouse, which is very normal.
Speaker: And I want to add and just reiterate that it's very normal for family dynamics to change and shift when adding a new member to a family in any family, whether your family is on the healthier range of the spectrum or you're in a family with more unhealthy dynamics.
Speaker: Either way, you're someone is pregnant, you're adding someone's getting married, there's an adoption, things of that nature. They can change dynamics of an entire family system. And I do just want to just add that that is that is very normal.
Speaker: And we just not have not been given a blueprint in our society of how to deal with those things. But before we expanded our family, I had been deep in therapy and coaching to heal from my own family dynamics in order to make sure that I did not repeat these dynamics where I would continue harm with my own kids or my spouse
Speaker: Additionally, at this point in my life, I had some family estrangements within my own family of origin and extended family.
Speaker: And some of them I'm still estranged from and others during that time with the pregnancy with my first kiddo. I was in therapy and coaching with some of them to kind of shift into healthier dynamics together.
Speaker: So this was like a big clearing for me in, okay, I'm starting my own family and I just wanted to make sure I wasn't bringing anything from the past. Because again, these things can be so insidious and so subtle and we don't even realize we're participating in them or that or that they're happening. And I wanted to just make sure that my first kiddo had the best experience.
Speaker: I guess, opportunities that they did for healthy dynamics with me and Ray, my spouse, and wanted to make sure Ray and i were in a good place in our marriage.
Speaker: However, and I mean this in the most loving way, Ray was not doing that. And again, mean that in the most loving way.
Speaker: It is so incredibly hard to look at the dysfunction or unhealthy dynamics in your family of origin. Society does not really normalize this and actually kind of punishes people sometimes for looking at such things. It depends on kind of what dynamic or kind of what the unspoken rules of your family is.
Speaker: And I know firsthand how hard it can be to to look at that. ah I have seen with my clients, with friends, and even with myself that shoving, that one of the coping mechanisms to deal with dysfunction in a family or unhealthy family dynamics can be to shove it all down and and ignore it.
Speaker: And when you do that and you're in a romantic partnership or a marriage, you can subtly or sometimes even like not subtle, like it's very external and obvious, kind of put pressure on your partner to have the same coping mechanisms with that unhealthy family dynamic.
Speaker: And i will say that I have seen, not only in my research, but in my own life, that when you don't take the time and space to look at that, you kind of also perpetuate the unhealthy dynamic.
Speaker: Additionally, if your partner does not want to cope in the same way you have coped all of those years, it creates extremely unhealthy dynamics within your romantic partnership or your marriage.
Speaker: And that's truly whether you have kids or not. As a matter of fact, I think not being ready or having the emotional safety to look at my own family dynamics to the depth that I really needed to in order to have a healthy partnership or marriage was absolutely a big part of why my first engagement did not work out.
Speaker: Obviously, there were a couple of other things, many other things probably, but I will take responsibility for part of my unreadiness and fear and dabbling into that part of my brain as being one of the reasons that the engagement didn't work out.
Speaker: And so knowing how serious that can be and seeing how serious that can be in clients, This made me concerned, but I wasn't super concerned until we did have my, Ray and I had kind of a big communication breakdown with his side of the family, with my in-laws.
Speaker: My in-laws and my husband's part side of the family, we always had very healthy boundaries with them. And they were always pretty much in the peripheral of our life.
Speaker: And they were always incredibly respectful of our marriage, of our home. However, it was really interesting that after the pregnancy announcement, they really changed their relationship with us. And the kind of the pregnancy announcement, untapped a can of, or you know, opened a can of worms um and some really unhealthy dynamics came out of the woodwork.
Speaker: For one, my in-laws felt that they had, and I'm just going to say this generally and making sure to be respectful of their privacy and respectful of of my own as well. But but for one, just as as an example, my in-laws felt that they had a lot of jurisdiction and say over my body,
Speaker: as I was carrying the kiddo. um They felt that they had a lot of say and jurisdiction over my choices about my birth, our choices, Ray and I's choices about parenting.
Speaker: And they also completely treated him differently too. Without really having many conversations with us or with him about our values and quite frankly for them just not knowing us very well.
Speaker: And again, i don't mean this in any type of way that is smearing them or talking shit on them or anything like this. As I say, these types of dynamics can creep into even the most loving of families.
Speaker: And so that is actually the point that I want to make here with additional unhealthy family dynamics getting brought to light and having a huge effect on our marriage and in our transition into parenthood.
Speaker: So then despite all my studies, And in working with clients and in my research, i as a person, not just a researcher or a family communication practitioner, saw firsthand or and felt firsthand what it was like to have a lot of communication breakdowns and not feeling seen and heard when, or just not being on the same page when i was uncovering the unhealthy family dynamics from my family of origin and extended family and when my partner was not.
Speaker: This is a terrible place to be in your romantic partnership, no matter what, but it is garbage, legitimate garbage when you are starting your parenting journey together. And I can say that with laughing now because we very much came out of it and and we'll talk about, I'll get to that part of the story. But it is just such a difficult thing to go through and and to start something as serious as parenting together, just not on the same page and working through those dynamics together.
Speaker: But I will say, I found this time to be incredibly fascinating. Of course, I was very hurt by some of the things that i had occurred from you know my spouse's family of origin, and I was very hurt by him.
Speaker: and I'm in a different place of this now, so this part of my brain can can speak more. But once I felt the feelings of my hurt from this situation,
Speaker: I could look at our situation very objectively as a family communication practitioner and understanding family dynamics as I do.
Speaker: And this was really shocking to me on many levels. So first and foremost, again, like I had said, my in-laws were always so respectful of us and our home and just our privacy. And that quickly changed once the pregnancy announcement occurred. So that it was shocking for that.
Speaker: But also, secondly, more so because in my studies and in my research and what I was working through with my own family system, I knew that the family system I came from and I grew up in was more on the extreme side of dysfunctional and emotionally unsafe.
Speaker: But my spouse, his family functioned in much healthier ways, in in some healthier ways. And while we knew that there was some dysfunction, again, and they say everybody's family is just, but you know, there's a little bit of dysfunction in everyone's family. There was some function to it.
Speaker: And we knew, again, there was some dysfunction, but there were boundaries. and But again, there was some function to it. And so this was really fascinating to me as a family research – in my family dynamics research brain where I was like, oh, wow – These dynamics happen even to just the average family who doesn't have access or maybe resources of understanding family dynamics and family communication and not knowing how to have healthier communication with one another
Speaker: Maybe you would expect that from something you know something more along the lines of what I grew up with, a family system that maybe had some culty aspects to it, some narcissism, some extreme extreme loyalty and like obligations. But these dynamics can happen in any normal, quote unquote, whatever that means, family situation.
Speaker: who just are not ah aware of it or have the tools or education on how a family functions how it could function healthier and how to deal with such a big change in a family
Speaker: and so not only did this situation throw me for a loop as the daughter-in-law in this situation but also as a family communication researcher And that help me ha had me delving deeper into studying grandparenting dynamics, cultural dynamics in families. um Oh, this this is a big one. Intergenerational blocks that we have in communicating with one another within family systems.
Speaker: ancestral histories and patterns within relating to one another that can feel really decent, right? Where there's enough healthy boundaries and you kind of keep some dysfunction at bay, but how that can all blow up in just a single moment and how shocking that can be to an entire family system, to a marriage, or even potentially to just an individual.
Speaker: I really went deep into all of those layers of of this situation. I will say every generation is different and has different types of coping mechanisms, mainly because of the historical moment in which they were growing or living in.
Speaker: But there are some patterns I studied in not only in the education world, but also saw kind of play out in my own real life um that when there are particular individuals in a family system,
Speaker: who go a long time without feeling seen and heard or go a long time without getting specific needs needs met, that there are natural consequences to that leading to pockets or overall, largely, a family system not feeling or being emotionally safe.
Speaker: And maybe some, let me think, like just like a couple small examples of that could be you know, maybe a pull more towards verbal abuse or not knowing how to apologize for something or not really knowing how to accept an apology
Speaker: And in noticing these patterns, things became less personal to my conscious brain, but yet stayed as trauma responses in my subconscious brain and body.
Speaker: And so becoming a parent and raising a tiny human with another human that I chose in this life really had me looking, I guess, in the mirror for myself of if these responses are still in into my subconscious brain and body, what other unconscious things am I doing that I'm not fully aware of that could potentially create problems? an unhealthy dynamic within my home.
Speaker: So receiving more coaching and delving more into the education and yeah educating myself in the family communication sector, i guess academically, you know, in the university world and with other certifications outside of the university world, and again, relating these things to my own life, I really feel like I became in more empowered version of myself when it came to my family relationships.
Speaker: I am by no means perfect at this and I am still absolutely on my journey
Speaker: But largely, i will say, when inevitably, as I am a human being, i yeah family learning more about family communication doesn't get rid of that part. i know i know that sometimes we would all be like, oh, you know, it would be nice if that wouldn't be the case. But but but that's unfortunately not how it works. Yeah. But because I am a human, i will slip in and and no matter how much work or understanding I have this, understandings I have of this, I will slip into an unhealthy dynamic sometimes, um whether that's with my spouse or other family members of mine or when one of my child triggers me.
Speaker: um However, when I slip into one of those unhealthy dynamics, it's very easy to recognize and it's now very easy to get out of because of the coaching I have received and because I have more resources in having others help me understand what other options are in family communication and and how to communicate healthier with family members.
Speaker: So when I'm in those unhealthy dynamics, it's very easy to name. It's very, or if they're you know someone else is kind of leading an unhealthy dynamic that they have, I know what to do on how to communicate in ways that I can still feel more seen and heard.
Speaker: I have language now to talk about these things. And even more so, I can laugh about them now. which feels like a huge win sometimes. And I have to have compassion for myself here, which is absolutely part of the benefit of understanding how to communicate more effectively and on a healthier level with family members is I think it's i think
Speaker: Issues that would turn into big blow-up fights with my spouse or, you know, other family members of mine, um they're now met with more compassion and understanding and curiosity.
Speaker: And that works both ways now, vice versa, where they give that passion compassion and understanding and curiosity back to me, um which overall heals harmful die family dynamics inside of me, inside of Ray, my spouse. And ah the best part, I think this is my favorite part of what learning how to communicate in a healthier way has done with family members is that it stopped all, I'm saying all, but I would say most of, still have some ways to go.
Speaker: A ton of generational shit that just bled out and spilled all over into my generation of people in my family, of you know people like my siblings, my cousins, um things that our parents, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents and our ancestors didn't maybe have the understandings or resources to deal with and kind of shoved it under the rug. All that shit, most of that shit. I really have to correct myself with this because, yeah, um again, human. um
Speaker: Most of that shit is ending. And now my spouse and i get to create an emotionally safe home for ourselves, for our children, for our inner children, if that's something that kind of floats your boat.
Speaker: And again, I'm not saying we do this perfectly. We are still on our journey as well. um But this has significantly improved my life. I personally feel that when my relationships are suffering in my life, that my life suffers, my mental health suffers, my feelings of well-being suffer.
Speaker: And eventually, i guess I kind of put a pause in this or you know put a pin in this part of the story, but I can also attest to how valuable it was in Ray receiving this type of coaching as well and him kind of delving into family dynamics and family communication as well. um And he will say, i know it's maybe going to seem him biased because you know he is my my life partner, but it he said that receiving coaching and family dynamics and receiving coaching surrounding marriage really helped him helped him because it created the safe space for him to actually look at those family dynamics when at first it felt so overwhelming and so terrifying that he was avoiding it first And I really appreciated his feedback of that because I was like, oh, that was such a great way to say that. I would say that it did the same for me, too.
Speaker: Sometimes you need a more informed friend. And that is what a family dynamics coach can be for you. I will say what happened with Ray and his side of the family was a big chunk of our journey. But even after we kind of ah sifted through that and healed and repaired a lot from that,
Speaker: There was other gobbledygook of unhealthy dynamics that he and I could sometimes get into that actually had nothing to do with our ancestral lineage or our families of origin and really just had to do with you know issues that we subtly, I guess, internalize from society.
Speaker: So I will say that whether you come from a healthy family system or not, there can be these hidden things in society that kind of creep up and harm our family relationships or harm our romantic partnerships and marriages.
Speaker: However, I will say, years later, receiving education in family dynamics and coaching around family and romantic partnership dynamics really has made my relationship with my spouse better and closer.
Speaker: We are still growing that emotional safety that we kind of you know started in in growing um many years ago. And that just makes everything better. Again, the energy of our home is calmer. There's a groundedness between all of us that there are certain cycles that are breaking such a piece in that.
Speaker: I would say that um this education and this type of coaching also has healed other um aspects of my family life outside of the family that I'm creating with Ray. i have more fulfilling family relationships and healthier dynamics with all of them.
Speaker: receiving this type of coaching, I'm not afraid of people as much anymore. i wouldn't say that that's completely gone away, but it's way less than it used to be.
Speaker: And this type of coaching also has deeply regulated my nervous system in a way that other modalities haven't I have safer relationships now. Again, safer family dynamics with all types of different family members. And oh, I also read this amazing thing the other day that said that it has been proven that healthier friendships can come out of like people who have safer family dynamics in turn find healthier friendships. And I would say that that has also been true for me in my journey.
Speaker: Coming from a home and coming from family dynamics where I never felt emotionally safe, to be honest, I will say emotionally safe relationships are now my norm.
Speaker: And after everything I've been through, i can say with certainty that if I can do this, that truly anyone can do that, can can do this.
Speaker: So if any of my story has resonated with you... whether you're single whoa but Whether you're single and you've maybe had a broken engagement or a really tough breakup, or maybe you've avoided being in a romantic partnership overall and you only feel safe pursuing one with the emotional support that a coach could provide, I would definitely recommend um getting coaching from a family dynamics coach or perhaps Even though, you know, you're not starting a family yet, it can be so beneficial. i think the whole point of Family Calm Flow here is we just want there to be more emotionally safe families in the world. And if you're single and even if you don't want to have children on your own, you know, we view just a marriage or long-term romantic partnership to be considered, you know, a form of family relationship. So yeah there's absolutely, and you know, if you're kind of ahead of the curve, it can just reverberate into even more healthy dynamics overall.
Speaker: Or perhaps you are already married and your marriage is suffering or you're not feeling seen and heard by your partner. Maybe things are dark and you're feeling erratic or confused about like, am I with the right person? or maybe you're like, oh, this is definitely my person. But sometimes we're just missing the mark and we just are not hearing and seeing each other.
Speaker: um yeah Family Come Flow is absolutely here to support that. And we would it would be an honor to help support you in in your journey. We also work with families who are experiencing estrangement.
Speaker: There are so many different types of estrangement. I have personally um been estranged from family members where I was the one making that choice and others who made that choice on their own. um I have reconnected with family members from estrangement and I study estrangement and reconnections And while reconnection is not always possible, healing really truly always possible.
Speaker: ah family estrangements can just wreck people and they can just turn your entire world upside down and no one should have to go through it alone so again something we would be honored to help buoy you through or perhaps in your family of origin now your children or your child maybe just married someone or there someone moved and it's changed the entire family dynamic Or maybe this isn't a new thing and you've struggled long term with an adult child or you're an adult child who struggled long term with a parent or a sibling.
Speaker: And you just don't want this dynamic to feel icky anymore. You want it to feel good and healthy and spacious. Family Calm Flow, again, we're here to help. um Just something, i mean, don't think that you're ever too far gone. um We have seen amazing things happen with people who have had long-term issues in families or entire family groups shift into healthier ways of relating to one another and being with one another.
Speaker: Perhaps your family is in crisis or maybe you're an individual who is just surrounded by unhealthy family dynamics but crave those healthier relationships.
Speaker: Perhaps you've never felt seen and heard by specific family members and you would also like emotional safety to be the norm of your relationships in the future. You are absolutely in the right place.
Speaker: We've worked with ah other eldest or only daughters in families, and you don't have to be a daughter. um There's, I think that I guess is like maybe ah more common, but we have also seen that it doesn't matter what birth order or gender you are. Sometimes there are certain members of the family who have different responsibilities as others, and there's is inequities and confusion surrounding that, and it's not sustainable. And having those conversations is a really difficult thing to have with family members. We are here for that.
Speaker: Or i know we just mentioned long-term issues, but short-term issues as well with, you know, mediation, perhaps, and again, not legal mediation, but relational mediation where you're like, I don't think we need anything long-term. We just need five sessions where there's like a neutral party who can help us all communicate in a healthier way. We're going forward. We don't need a coach. Yeah.
Speaker: Again, Family Calm Flow is dedicated to making sure that we're helping people create emotionally safe families or emotionally safe spaces within families, romantic relationships, and marriages because it's a tough world out there. and if you could run home or run to a family member where there is the emotional safety that you need,
Speaker: I know I'm biased, but I just really think that that's where our world changes and heals. I actually had a phone call today with a long-term mentor of mine who I just am just love so dearly and I'm so grateful for her mentorship during all these years. But She said something to me today that really made me laugh as I was kind of just delving into explaining to her some of the research I've been doing. And she said to me, you know what's more powerful than family therapy?
Speaker: families who know how to healthily communicate with one another. and obviously, and she is a practitioner in her own, you know, pocket of family communication. And I laughed, right? Because I was like, okay, you're buttering me up. And ah also, this is not a knock on family therapy. I think it's absolutely ah really beneficial thing.
Speaker: However, i just think that if people received more education and family communication on how to communicate in healthier ways with family members and all of the crazy, wild and confusing dynamics that come with being in a family, that we could literally prevent so many so many families from going to family therapy. And we could even prevent families family traumas. And i have also seen we heal family traumas here at Family Calm Flow.
Speaker: So I hope that this hearing more of my story has been helpful for you. I hope that you see yourself in my story. It is not unique. Again, with all of the research and studies that I've done in this sector, this you know, sector of the world.
Speaker: um So many people are going through these things and it is just my hope and privilege to be able to help people um with with their family issues.
Speaker: So again, if we didn't really, if I didn't really go into an issue that's coming up for you and your family right now, but you're still curious and still wondering if a family dynamics coach would be beneficial for you.
Speaker: It's kind of impossible to talk about every single scenario, but please visit us at familycomflow.org. That's familycom is C-O-M-M flow.org. And you could just go to our comp ah contact page and reach out. We're happy to schedule a free consultation to just kind of see what's going on.
Speaker: um But until then, ah just very grateful to to have you all here. ah The next podcast, I think we're going to talk about why our families mean so much to us. Just biologically in our brains, we can't undo that part of our brain that that doesn't you know that needs family because family is our our first community in the world. Um, we will get into that next week.
Speaker: Thank you so much for being here today. And thank you for holding space for my own, you know, family communication stories and issues and problems and healings and confusions. I'm right here with you.
Speaker: And again, so grateful that you are here. Take care, everyone.
