Transcript
Speaker: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Family Calm Flow podcast. I'm your host, Julie Marie, family dynamics coach and lover of all things that lead to having an emotionally safe, healthy family.
Speaker: I'm here today with a new friend, Ashley Day, who I know will bring a profound sense of clarity on our talk today on healthy romantic partnerships. But before we dive into that, I wanted and before that i wanted to introduce her.
Speaker: And I also want to give a very exciting announcement that Family ComFlow is actually sponsoring their first event. um In October, it will be October sixteenth And I'm so excited. ah We're actually ah sponsoring and helping Ashley. It's her event with her incredible organization, Ash Enlightenment.
Speaker: She is actually flying in renowned yoga and meditation DJ, DJ Taz Rashid, which is so cool. And I can't wait to hear more about how that happened, Ashley. Ashley's company is hosting this immersive yoga and sound journey event and in an effort to reconnect with yourself through music as a community.
Speaker: It's called Activate, which I love because we're all about emotionally safe communities here. and emotionally safe community can be a family um to help regulate our nervous systems here at Family Calm Flow. So when Ashley you know offered the opportunity to help sponsor the event, I was like, hell yes. This is so exciting.
Speaker: um I actually had the pleasure of meeting Ashley in person for the first time at Life Coach Christine Hassler's Women's Retreat last fall and in preparing for this I was realizing so serendipitous it's actually exactly a year from when the Activate event will be and the fact that we're coming back together and I'm helping sponsor it her event it's just very serendipitous and funny how the world works in those really weird and special ways.
Speaker: Ashley herself is an embodiment coach and yoga teacher who takes the unique approach of incorporating Ashokic records into her coaching modality. And I can also attest personally that she is a beam of light. In just the short year i have known her, she always brings such a positive and healthy presence into the women's circle we are jointly a part of. And I'm so honored and excited that she's here with us today. so Ashley, hello, how are you doing? Hello. i am doing so good. Oh my gosh. I was like getting so excited listening to all of them. i'm like, yes, yes, yes. I know. It's so exciting.
Speaker: um Did you want to talk more about Activate before we kind of get into the juiciness of healthy romantic partnerships? Sure, sure. um Yes. And how fun that it's one year later. Like you were so spot on about, you never know how the universe or the world is going to work. So one year later after we met, and now we're going to be at this event together, which is so freaking cool. um So I created Activate.
Speaker: This is the first time I'm doing this. And I've attended a lot of retreats, healing circles, events, conferences, yoga classes. And i was like, how can I do something where we stay a little longer than one hour? We connect a little deeper into ourselves and with each other. So i decided I'm just going to go for it.
Speaker: So I created Activate with the intention to come together as a community, as a collective, just with like-minded people and activate something within yourself. So through movement, through we'll do some yoga and through music and sound that resonates, vibrates, that frequency that you feel in your body and then connection with others, all three of those things in my experience, activate something within, whether you can put a word to it or not, something shifts. And in my experience, it's always for the better. Something feels more lighter, more joyful. Maybe you just deepen a connection with yourself. Maybe it's deepening a connection in your community. So it's kind of two faceted where my intention is to activate something within,
Speaker: versus, and also not versus, but also with the people around you, even if you're not speaking, just being in a collective, being in a community where everyone is kind of feeling their best self, it just kind of radiates out. so That is my intention with it. and Yes, DJ Taz Rashid is coming to the event, which I'm so excited about. I use a lot of his music in my yoga playlists. um and It was kind of crazy. i saw him do a post and he was like, hey, if you want me to come to your city, let me know. And it was almost like my higher self came through and was like, we're doing this. So I reached out to him and i was I didn't think about it. It was just something impulsive in me, which I'm not typically impulsive. And I was like, can you come to Kansas City? So one thing led to another. It happened very quick. And he's like, let's hop on a call. Let's get this going.
Speaker: And I just said yes. I was like, I'm not sure of logistics. I'll figure it out. Like I'm, my superpower is kind of bringing people together in community. So I'm like, this is, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to do this. So I'm really excited. And I'm so happy that you're joining us um because, you know, relationship communication, whether it's romantic, um,
Speaker: your family, your work, your colleagues. I feel like it is like one of the biggest, and don want to say elephants in the room, but kind of one of those things where when you take the time to work on it, it's just like everything ripples out and everything just flows a lot better. So I'm so excited to have you there at the event with us too.
Speaker: Oh, it will be such an honor. And yes, that, um I don't know, I feel very seen because that is so, yeah, kind of what we do with Family Confluent. Yes, the elephant in the room. I mean, that is when we're not taught in schools, like how to have healthy communication with one another, our family's can fall apart or feel off or just feel just so stuck um or just like we have to hide. And I just love that you called it the the elephant in the room. um And I love your story of like the impulsiveness
Speaker: that that you took on like to just make sure that DJ Taz Rashid came. like i will say I also am not impulsive, but there have been moments in my life where I did impulsive things that led to like my graduate degree. I ended up having like a full ride just because I had a bad day and thought I failed a final, which I didn't. and I think this was just like one of my last couple days of undergrad, and I was like...
Speaker: okay, I'm just going to apply to this scholarship, like just in a sense of like, letting the fear fuel me instead of like the fear overcoming. So there was just like this impulsivity that came from it. And I got it And I always remember that anytime I'm being impulsive, I'm like, Oh, what the hell is going on? yeah I'll just remember, okay, yeah, like usually when I do this, it's different if you're impulsive all your all the time and you're like, oh, maybe I need to, you know, take a look at this. But if it's the opposite, it sometimes rewards you. 100%.
Speaker: oh a hundred percent Because i feel like, Again, with me not being so impulsive, when something comes up, I guess I tend to take a quick moment of discernment. Like, is this in my head? Is this in my heart? And a lot of times I'll interchange heart and my intuition. um So it's like, wait a second. This is something that's like, yes, do it.
Speaker: You know, not like it's coming from a place of like, This is where we're headed or this is something that leads to the next thing. And I've done a lot of work in my healing journey to learn to trust when those come up because a lot of times I suppressed my intuition or I would be in denial or second guess myself. And that is one of the biggest lessons I now see in my life, in my patterns, is that I just – downplayed every time my inner self, my heart, my intuition would speak up. I'd be like, no. And I jump into my brain about it and talk myself out of it. So every time I feel now, every time I feel those little like, oop, go for it, press the button, do it. We'll figure out logistics later. i lean into that and it, nothing has like steered me wrong.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. That's incredible. I love that. I love how you said, like, instead of overriding your intuition and getting into your brain, like, actually sitting with it now, i think that's, yeah, that's a huge shift that I think a lot of women are making these days that's healing the planet, in my very humble opinion. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So I wanted to talk to you today about...
Speaker: kind of your journey with waking up to having a healthy, it like transitioning into having a healthier romantic partnership. I know that you had made a post on Instagram a while back. And it really, even though you were not one of my clients, this is something I do with clients. And I know you know future clients or clients I have now who are single, who are looking to shift into healthier dating patterns, or like I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, but romantic partnership. I have so much trauma or so much confusion from all of the romantic partnerships I've had.
Speaker: How do you even shift into a healthier dynamic surrounding this? And I just feel like your story hit the nail on the head of kind of like what I've helped clients do and also kind of also what I had to do in my own life. And so I thought your story might just be a really wonderful inspiration to anyone who is single and is just not, you know, kind of at a loss and not really and really wants that healthy romantic partnership. but doesn't really know how to go about doing it. um
Speaker: So I'd love to hear, you know, your story and your feedback on that. And happy to jump in of where, yeah, I kind of see like little parts of juiciness that I might, I might be like, hey, like, that happened to me, or my experience was different. Or also like,
Speaker: Can you elaborate on that? Because sometimes when we talk about these things, it can be really confusing for others. Yeah. Yeah. so Well, now I feel seen. they um Thank you for saying all that. um And I will just acknowledge like feeling seen um in that way, especially as a woman who um worked really hard to rebuild her self-worth. I appreciate you. reflecting that back to me um and saying those things, because it took a lot of work to rebuild my self-worth. And I think with my story, that is the underlying theme. um
Speaker: So I won't go super deep into my backstory with relationships, but a common theme, a pattern that I um recognized when I was, you know, going through my healing journey post-divorce, that was something that was important to me is like, hold on, let me pause and look at my patterns.
Speaker: And I realized that the partners that I chose um were not aligned with the woman that I wanted to be, the woman that I was working towards. So it was like and it was like I was at odds with myself trying to become this woman or yeah, just become this version of myself where my partner um didn't align with that. So it was almost like, not that I was being held back, but that's kind of the words that are coming to mind right now. And I'm not putting any fault on them um because I chose them as my partner. And, you know, at one point I had a lot of love for them and there were great parts in the relationship, but ultimately
Speaker: I didn't carry a lot of self-worth and self-confidence. So I didn't have boundaries. And it was more important for me to keep the peace than to speak up for myself.
Speaker: So it was very interesting because I think when I was in relationship, it was a different version of me. It wasn't extreme like I was living a double life. It's almost like,
Speaker: the people closest to me outside of a romantic relationship, like my really good friends, they knew this version of me that was like, lives in full color, sparkly, so outgoing, so loving. And then the version of me in these relationships dimmed her light, played small, um did what I could to keep the peace and put other needs, others needs before mine.
Speaker: so When I had gone through my divorce, I went through a divorce at 38 and I had been with my partner for 11 years and I kind of had these limiting beliefs of, well, I'm 38, like it's going to be really hard to find another relationship or maybe this just is how it is. I just stick it out. And I started taking some time.
Speaker: Right before the divorce happened, I knew something was coming. Again, going back to my intuition, I started to have these feelings like something big is going to happen. And I was in denial about it. I was like, I don't want the change. I don't i don't want to stay where I am, but I don't want the change. i don't It was felt like too much too fast. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: So I would go and spend time alone near water. Water is very grounding for me and I get a lot of clarity just like sitting near water. So I was like, this will make you happy. Just sit there and just, let's just try to like discern what we're feeling.
Speaker: And I gained a lot of clarity and that was the first time I felt like I connected with a higher version of myself. And at this time, i wasn't really into a lot of spirituality. i was open to it, but I didn't know much about it. So I started having these thoughts or downloads as I call them. ah And it just felt like me talking to myself, but using words I don't typically use.
Speaker: And it was basically like, we're going to go through this thing. It's going to be really difficult, but this is happening for you and and I'll be here with you and everything will be okay. Just, I will guide you, but you everything is going to be okay. And I remember just bawling because I could feel something coming and I knew it was the it the beginning of the end.
Speaker: So um went through the process of the divorce and then found my – beginning – I'm sorry to interrupt you're beginning and the end of the relationship specifically or you you weren't sure yet?
Speaker: um Yeah, that was the beginning. I mean, we were already not talking to each other. It was that weird – um there was just already a wedge between us and neither one of us wanted to make the move to file for a divorce. It was just a weird, weird stalemate type thing. Okay. so having that clarity, it was like, okay, something is coming, but I know I'm going to be okay. I know this is going to be hard, but I know I'm going to be okay. I don't know how, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but I had this inner knowing and it's almost like my intuition was like, don't worry, we'll be okay. Yeah.
Speaker: And then so the filing for the divorce happened and i let myself feel everything. You know, i I was heartbroken. I was confused, grieving the life I was leaving and the version that never came to fruition.
Speaker: out of that relationship, that potential, you know, that never came to be. So I had a lot of grief, a lot of sadness, and a lot of fear around how am I going to do this alone?
Speaker: Now we're going from two incomes down to one. Can I make it on my own? What's going to happen with my family, my friends, my work? It just kind of felt like a spiraling out of a lot of questions. so I doubled down on work to that's how I numbed out, I think, was I just went extra deep into work. No one at the time knew what I was going through. So I kind of put on a mask at work and just full adrenaline survival mode. And then I'd come home and just kind of fall apart and slowly pack up my old life.
Speaker: And the interesting thing for me is i am a big giver, a caretaker. I love being there for others. But at that time, and something that I've been working on is it is so hard for me to receive, so hard for me to ask for help.
Speaker: So I did a lot of this without my best friends, my family really knowing how much I was hurting and how much I was going through. Oh, that just breaks my heart, Ashley. i mean.
Speaker: And it plays back to that worthiness. You know, I was like, I don't want to be a burden on someone else. I did this to myself. Like it was a lot of looking back. I'm like, man, you know, you have, I have a great support system around me, but that first step of saying I'm not okay, or I need help with this. It was a huge challenge for me. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Absolutely. Well, and I think also, too, in my opinion, i don't even think that was 100% your fault by any means. Our culture, i mean, that's kind of like how we raise, I wouldn't even say just women, but anyone to like make it seem like you have it together and. Even when you ask someone you haven't seen a while, like, how are you doing? Everyone always says good. And it's like, that's never actually an answer. i actually think that that's really poor communication because we're always doing good in some areas and not so good in other areas. But we don't always have those spaces to talk about those things. So, yeah, I mean, I can relate to that for sure. I've i've had to do my own stuff surrounding people.
Speaker: Being honest and being vulnerable and not masking all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So there's so much about what you said um before you kind of go further into the story. i I just want to acknowledge you for noticing these these patterns that that you were and how they kind of related to the specifically romantic partnership. I will say there are in studying, you know, dynamics within romantic partnerships and stuff, there's just like hundreds of unhealthy dynamics and patterns that we can have in romantic partnerships.
Speaker: And sometimes it can be hard in working with a client to kind of pinpoint which dynamics and patterns they potentially are in as an individual versus within our particular partnership and As opposed to another partnership that they were in in the past or or something along those lines. But how do you think, and if you were to give advice to anyone, how do you think you found those, you or how are you able to pinpoint your specific unhealthy patterns for yourself?
Speaker: I got really curious on um why did this relationship not work? And it's really easy to put the blame on the partner. But then I was like, okay, that's the easy part. But the harder part is to see what role I played in it.
Speaker: Because I think it was actually Christine Hassler um at one of her women's retreats when she said, if you feel deep betrayal, like default, you'll feel betrayed by the other person.
Speaker: But more than likely, it's because you betrayed yourself. Like you didn't have a boundary set and it's probably not the first time. And I was like, dang. So for me, I was like, okay, I allowed some of these things to happen or I didn't speak up or I didn't voice my needs, desires, wants, all of that. So I started reading a lot of books, podcasts, and just being in rooms or spaces where people were actively talking about these things, going through relationship challenges, divorces, um kind of identity shifts, and just being really curious and hearing other people's stories and then seeing, it just kind of helped me look at myself more.
Speaker: And I think I looked at my patterns in relationships, not just romantics. And I realized it blew my mind when I realized that um my ex-husband was very similar into the way he gave like his, um what would you call that? Like affection, love, communication style was very similar to my mother.
Speaker: And I was like, whoa, because I was always like pining for my mother's love. I always wanted more than what her capacity was to give to me. And I found that in romantic partners. It was like I was playing out that same scenario. And that kind of blew my mind. I was like, oh, my gosh. I never thought about that. Like, my ex-husband is like my relationship with my mother. yeah.
Speaker: Yes. No, it's so honestly, I i think we need to to normalize that it's just very, very normal. And I think at first there were a lot of people ah talking about specifically with young women doing that with their dads. And I even actually a mentor of mine, even it was actually a love coach of mine from like over a decade ago. She said she thought that it was really rare. Once in a while, she'd have a woman looking for a healthy partnership and it would be tied to, yeah, unmet needs from the relationship with their mother. And she thought like, oh, this is just a one off. It's usually about the dad.
Speaker: um And then she was like, after a while, she was like, no, this is a thing. um Yeah. and i And I will say, and it's I always like to say, you know, it's not about blaming a mother. I think mothers are blamed way too much in our society because of certain things. But I think our culture and, again, not having the tools and resources and education on specifically how to communicate intimacy, no matter what that relationship is, is lacking from our culture and really can have really profound...
Speaker: imprints on us, on our nervous systems, on our psyches, and where we play these things out, like you said, in romantic partnerships. Yeah. um The other thing you said that I just think is striking gold is you said when you were grieving, you were grieving the potential. And I think that's something that we don't talk about enough when it comes to breakups or any type of relationship breakdown that just kind of didn't work out. but
Speaker: In grieving, you know, if sometimes I think that we play tricks on ourselves where we're grieving what was and really it's actually not what actually was, but what the potential was and a version of a fantasy in our in our heads that would potentially make this relationship better or be like, oh, things will be a lot better when X, Y, Z happens. I'm really curious, why do you think that our brains do that, I guess? Maybe like as humans or maybe if you want to answer for yourself as an individual. Hmm, that's a deep one.
Speaker: um
Speaker: I don't know because I feel like in hindsight now, I think, again, being in a relationship for 11 years, there were things I allowed in the beginning that maybe helped get where I wanted the relationship to head off course.
Speaker: Maybe the relationship should have ended sooner. And I allowed things that were not true to me. So i kind of had like this potential version of where the relationship could go. And I think I kept thinking if I put in more work, more effort, if I love them harder, if I show them how I can take care of them, like if I put in more and I exhaust myself, then maybe they will see me in this way. So I think I was after, i was seeking something outside of myself
Speaker: right? I was pouring a lot into this other person hoping to be quote unquote chosen. and i never really thought about that idea of being chosen until I think there was a there was a podcast or a book that brought it up. And I was like, dang, I think I did a lot of that. Like just wanting to be chosen by my partner. um Instead of having like those honest conversations, the conversations that like your gut feeling is like, oh my God, I have to be ready for whichever answer comes up, but it's more important that I voice this and say this and not have an attachment to how they're going to respond. I need to do this for me. So I think I, there were a lot of things that i I don't want to say I would do differently because I don't think I had the tools. That version of me didn't have the tools at the time. so
Speaker: I love that version of me, right? She learned a lot of lessons during that. um But I was always striving for this ideal relationship and just felt like if this person, my partner can change these things about themselves, then we as a whole will be happier when I'm not sure I was giving myself that same, um that same request where I was like, hold on, let me look at myself. And i am I being the type of partner um that
Speaker: can hold space for that? Am I being the best version of me? And looking back now, I don't think I was because I was not being true to myself. I was, again, I was in a misaligned relationship that I just kept trying to make work because I didn't want to fail. And I figured we've already been 11 years.
Speaker: Like, we just got to keep going. There's no other option for me. So the more I resisted listening to myself, the more difficult the relationship became.
Speaker: And I just put the work on me versus maybe stopping and saying, hold on, like maybe this is a point where we can either course correct or maybe this is a point for a deeper conversation in do we want to move forward?
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. There was so much that you that you said that I'd love to go more into, but I guess that'll probably have to happen in a different day. But but I will say that is what you said about not having the deeper conversations and the communication and then not having the tools of knowing how to communicate, but then also not listening to yourself. You know, in what I do in family communication and in talking, you know, you have to have like the talking part and the the actual active listening part. Yes. But I always say like you can't actually actively listen to your partner if you're not actively listening to yourself. That's a whole other conversation you need to have before you have partner. with the partner. And sometimes we're not even having those conversations with ourselves before we pick the partner. And then if that's not something that you can shift out of, it is just this ongoing loop that can... that can just really lead to a lot more communication breakdowns. And um no, i I just think that's huge. Do you ever feel like you look back and think, oh man, if I had different tools, I would have communicated so like so much differently, or i just would have even not even been wanting to be in that conversation, but had a completely different conversation overall.
Speaker: I think I needed to go through the loss of the relationship and divorce to become the woman that I am now. So I'm not sure I could have gained all the tools yeah at that time. So I see it as, um that was like a catalyst for me really stepping into the most embodied version of myself.
Speaker: And that is how, like doing that work on myself, is how I found my more aligned or the most aligned relationship that I've known to date. And I want to say something too, as we shift into like how I got there, how I'm in this relationship now, those hard conversations don't stop. So even though I am in my most safe relationship, um where I feel safe, seen, supported, i just had a
Speaker: difficult conversation, i think a month ago where it was like, okay, Ashley, you're not going to abandon yourself anymore. You made a promise to yourself that you are first and you love this man. You want to be in this relationship. You've got to bring up this difficult, you know, conversation and you've got to release expectations of how he's going to answer. Because at the end of the day, we are fighting for this woman that we've become.
Speaker: And I don't mean that in a sense where I was like rolling up my sleeves, like let's battle it out. It was a very grounded way that I brought up the conversation that I hadn't ever done in past relationships. One thing that I will whatever, die on a molehill or I don't know what they call it, you know, like maybe I'm mixing two of those colloquialism things. um But One thing I swear by, I'll say that, is something that I have seen help tremendously in all my relationships, friendships, romantic, family,
Speaker: is saying what you need from the relationship. So instead of saying, you do this, you make me feel like this, or I feel like this when you do this, saying, I value in a partnership, I value in a relationship, what I need out of this relationship. That has been a game changer for me because one, I think it really helps stay in that active listening because once you start to point fingers and say, you did something, a lot of times,
Speaker: the person on the receiving end is going to feel like, okay, well, I'm going to say something back to you and I'm ready for you to stop talking so I can tell you this thing. So if you can make it about like, hey, there's this thing that we are both in together that we're building. It's a relationship.
Speaker: um This is what I need from it. In my experience, it's less –
Speaker: like a personal attack and more like, how can we come to a solution for this? Because you're building it together. It's not you versus me. It's me and you versus this challenge.
Speaker: Absolutely. i oh i it's interesting. i would say that specifically what you said about the defensiveness that could potentially come up, I always say defensiveness is when the conversation is actually over. You don't realize it and like the conversation will keep going, but it's not a conversation anymore. And that, like you said, the way that you're speaking... like the tone and specifically what words you choose actually create that emotional safety for someone else when you're saying, this is what I need or this is what I value in a partnership. I think that that's so powerful. There there are so many different ways to have healthy communication in relationships, ah but specifically depending on
Speaker: particular types of relationships or, you know, ah different different types of dynamics within those relationships. But I i commend you for for figuring that out for yourself. that That's huge.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. what How do you feel like you got there, how you got there to be able to to speak in that way? um Again, just, I think I just have reminders like in my living space, in my journals, um I make a point to take care of me because again, I was, my past patterns is to I get what's ever left. I fill into everyone's cup and then if there's anything left, then that's mine. So I now make um a bigger effort to where I schedule in time where it's just me or i do things that light me up. Even if that means work gets pushed off an hour, i make sure to put my own needs first so that I'm my best self. And so I've made this like um commitment that the most important relationship in my life is with myself. And i will do everything to protect what I've healed, what I'm still working on. So that is like in my forefront that I am in this loving relationship with myself and then bringing in a partner is like sprinkles on a cupcake. Like if I'm a cupcake without sprinkles, awesome. I'm still a cupcake, but the sprinkles just add to it, right? So that's how I view my relationships to where, because i'm I came out of codependency as well. So I was very much a codependent partner. And so again, just being like, how do I feel in this? What role am I playing in this? What is the outcome that I want? And how can I present how I'm feeling, how I'm thinking in a way that helps us to work on a solution versus keeping score or, you know, pogging the bear or low blows, any of that. I've never been a fan of, intentionally hurting others. I've been on the receiving end of that. So sometimes I'll, you know, just say like, hey, I just need some space because I'm flooded out with emotions right now. And I need to just figure out what, what it is that I'm feeling versus saying things that either, you know, you can't take those back. And I'm very cognizant of that, that You know, when your emotions are heightened and like you said, when you start getting defensive, um sometimes you can say things that you don't mean or that you didn't want to say, but that leaves an imprint on the person that you're communicating with and...
Speaker: You can apologize for it or say you didn't mean it, but that imprint's kind of there. So, right yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's another thing. i teach at Family Calm Flow is how to have actual healthy repair where you can actually move on and it – takes a lot of time and space. I think that's so healthy that you take this space for yourself. I think I wish that people talked about that more and specifically in romantic partnerships at Family Calm Flow, we call them walkabouts actually.
Speaker: I don't think that there should be any shame and I wish we normalized that sometimes you can be so stuck in a dynamic. And I've seen this even in the most, the healthiest romantic partnerships. I'm talking like partners who are really working hard at each other. And like you said, those hard conversations are constant, but if you're just kind of so stuck in a dynamic, sometimes the only way to stop that is by taking space. And so Yeah.
Speaker: like cheating on another or anything but it's just like space if like one of the partners goes for just a couple of days to an airbnb like sometimes like you said like those downloads can happen so beautifully and um And just like ah like two days apart, you're kind of more in tune with what you need or what's going on or how you're contributing to the dynamic and how the other person contributes and how maybe there's a lack of emotional safety.
Speaker: I don't know. I think it's a really successful tool. And i I wish, I think, I know that I've talked about it before just amongst people and there's like a lot of shame and it's taboo to just be like, oh my gosh, that's a separation. And it's like, it's not. It's just sometimes if you're participating in a dynamic so unconsciously, sometimes the only way to kind of take a break from it is to actually just take a break and and reconnect with you. Yes. Especially in a partnership if you live together, if you've been married, like you said, like a really long time. um Not that I i think divorce is can be such a healthy option always. Yeah. but Yeah. i
Speaker: I think that's huge that that you're able to communicate that. That's beautiful. Yeah. And I think you can gain clarity. I just want to say one more thing about that. Sure, of course. The walkabouts, the taking time for yourself. Because in my experience, I've been able to sit with myself and get clarity and discernment on like,
Speaker: okay, what's coming up for me? What are these emotions that I'm feeling? Why do I feel like I'm like spiraling in a flood of feels? And then I will realize or start to, once things kind of settle down, I'm like, oh, this is a nervous system reaction. This is a pattern that's trying to be like, oh, he said this or he did this. And I know what that means. That means that's similar to this and we need to protect ourselves. So it's kind of acknowledging this protective part of me that is trying to serve a purpose.
Speaker: However, I have changed. Right. And so I can acknowledge it and say like, okay, I hear you nervous system, but what is true? And then I'll sit there and be like, hold on. He is not my past partner. This is not the same situation.
Speaker: You know, like if there's ever not clarity in what was said, then maybe we have some follow-up questions. You know, maybe i heard his words through an old lens. So that was really good for me to be like, okay, we took some time. And then when we came back to be like, okay,
Speaker: here's what came up for me. And then, you know, my partner shares, here's what came up for me. And it's like, oh, holy shit, we're both just healing. Like this relationship is this, again, this is the best relationship I've been in but I am a firm believer in healthy relationships allow you to heal and process things. It's like a safe space to do it. So I see for both him and i there are these things that come up where we're working on healing, relationship stuff, individual stuff, where if we can just understand and allow that, and it's like, we're going to have those days where, you know, universe is like, oh, great, you guys are doing well, you feel safe here, I'm going to drop this in so you guys can work on healing this. It's kind of, that's, that's the way that I look at it is that it's like, this is a beautiful opportunity to either, we either learn and grow and support each other or you know, again, it could be a harder decision that we have to make, but that open communication and him and I have always, we started our relationship that way. We have this saying that we'll, we'll say when it's like one of us is being vulnerable, we'll just say like, okay, vulnerable share. And then the other person will share what's coming up for them while the other partner like holds space. It's kind of like, ah it's crazy. I'd never had anything like that in a partnership, but I will say we started off like that and it was a game changer for me because it's like, we both really value personal growth and trust.
Speaker: So if someone is going to say that like phrase, like vulnerable share, The other person knows, okay, this is uncomfortable for them to voice, but hell yeah, we're communicating about it versus having an elephant in the room.
Speaker: I love that so much. Yes. And I will say anytime two people come together, again, they could be the healthiest, most enlightened people. They're coming with elephants. like there And then like there's just elephants in the room. And I think...
Speaker: ah having a healthy romantic partnership is just about yeah just feeding each elephant a little bit and eventually it's just yeah one big happy family or a zoo I guess depending on how you look at it but I love that so much I feel like one thing Ray and I say is um I love like vulnerable share and there's also a lightness to that I think like sometimes I think we say and they're actually this might even feel a little heavier is like I'm having a lot of shame about saying this, but like a lot, like I want to say this to you, but I'm having so much shame, whether it is just a personal share or something where it's like, Ooh, we have to acknowledge this other elephant or, um, and sometimes I know I've been married almost 10 years, but we, there's elephants that like, we so are still just seeing, um, because you have to attend to one elephant beforehand. Um, Yeah, it's it's a journey. And learning to have how to have those healthy conversations is how how to go about that, I think. um
Speaker: I also, I don't know if you feel this way, but if you after you take some space or if there's like an like an actual walkabout or someone, yeah, there's like... you know, a couple, like two or three nights away from each other. It always feels like a new chapter. i think I've seen in clients and, you know, anytime I've like experienced that, or even if you just take like, yeah, a couple hours, one night, do you feel similarly?
Speaker: Yes. Uh, 100% because, There's something about, even if you and your partner are not talking, there's something about being in the energy, like the same energy in the space, right? Like I could be in one area of the house and he is in the other, but I still feel whatever that tension is. So getting outside, going and walk, moving my body, or like you said, taking space like a day, two days, whatever, a weekend apart can help. And again, what's
Speaker: been true for me is when we come back together to kind of have that conversation after we both had time to think, to process, to get clear on what it is we're feeling. When we come back together, we have these like amazing conversations and it's just almost like this relief that it's like, wow, I'm not hiding who I am.
Speaker: Again, like this feels like the most embodied version of me and it's, And literally saying out loud sometimes, like, this is a boundary I have. And him being like, I hear you. Got it.
Speaker: And I'm like, wow, that's how this works? Like, what? So, and it's just having that that that faith, that trust that what is meant for you.
Speaker: You know, it's it's it it doesn't come without its challenges, but if you can view challenges as growth moments, I think that helps. um Because it's not, the relationship in my experience is not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. And if it is, i would be curious to know like, Is that really an intimate relationship? are Is there really a deep connection to where there's never anything that challenges you either individually or as a couple, a partnership?
Speaker: um Because I think, again, how we grow into the most embodied versions of who we are is through relationships.
Speaker: Because I think if you're alone all the time, there's not a lot that's reflected back to you. And I think that's something that your partner can be a mirror in some cases where, and that's a good thing that I would bring up too. if they're If you're having a challenge, what if you view that partner as a mirror and it's like, wait a second, am I doing this? Am I feeling this in a way?
Speaker: Or how is how how am I feeling in this situation? So inviting in any challenge as like, again, being solution oriented, not that you're bypassing your feelings.
Speaker: um Because again, there's, I feel like there's lots of little gold nuggets when you take that time alone to really be with yourself and is like, what feelings are coming up in me and being able to name them. When you said shame, you're right. Like when you said that I had like this heavy feeling because shame is one of the densest frequencies of emotion we can carry. And if you're constantly carrying around shame and not vocalizing it, not sharing it with others or your partners, like, Hey, I'm feeling this. And releasing it through verbal movement, whatever, um that can start to get really heavy. And that that's a word we use too sometimes when one of us will be like, I feel shame. And it's like, oh, dang. mean It's almost like, for me, it indicates like,
Speaker: okay, like how can we help to move out of shame? But again, still keep my boundaries because I'm not trying to fall into codependency and fix and solve others' problems. But it's just, for me, it's almost like a gauge.
Speaker: Like, okay, if if they're feeling shame, then I'm really going to be present. I'm really going to, not that I'm not present, but like, I don't know, for me, it's an indicator like, okay, Like what what can we do to shift into a different feeling or hold this space and allow shame to be worked through, processed, that kind of thing.
Speaker: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And I also think when naming shame can, at least for me, it's it's going to be different for every single person, just naming it out loud. It just like takes the power away from it. And it and like, yes, it's heavy, but that heaviness goes away if you're just like, oh, shame. What's going on? You're here again. Yeah. right you know Yeah. yeah yeah Um, so how did you meet your current partner just for inspiration for others looking, you know, how, yeah, how did that all come about for you all?
Speaker: Yes. And I think this is a question I get asked. And I think that's one of the posts that I did is people ask me like, how did you find your aligned relationship? And honestly, I worked on myself.
Speaker: So kind of like what I've touched on, you know, in this conversation is it was really important for me to recognize that I was going through a traumatic event. i was divorced. I was, I realized i had never lived alone before. I was like, how am I 38? And I've never been in my own space. Like, whoa. So I protected that and was like, okay, here's an opportunity for me to really get to know myself. So I did a lot of work on healing my self-worth. Again, I got curious. i brought in um people, books, information into my orbit. It just surrounded myself with
Speaker: ways that I could learn more about myself. And I just became like an expert on myself, learning my patterns, um learning my communication style, learning how I like to be loved and how I give love, um learning about boundaries and just really getting clear on who I am, what I desire, what I need, and um what i what I'm working on, what I'm working towards. So for me, I didn't have a time set. I just knew like I'm not getting in a relationship until I feel like a really great version of me because at the time I felt broken. I was confused and I knew that my self-worth was shattered. And I was like, how do I get her back? Where, like she's been hiding somewhere for decades and I want to like hold her little hand and bring her to the light type of thing. So i worked on myself and I said yes to things that lit me up. And I started shifting out of playing small, dimming my light into Okay, celebrate the things that make you, you. And um i met my now partner through a mutual friend. And at first i I was not interested in dating. I didn't think of him as a romantic partner. um And we just got to know each other.
Speaker: And ironically, he was, because my friend that I met him through was doing some coaching with me because she needed hours for coaching. And so she was helping me. I was also going through a career change. I left my corporate job to just start over. So I had a lot of moving parts at the time. And again, i wasn't looking for a relationship outside myself. And i spent about close to two years on my healing journey just with myself.
Speaker: um And then i had this mutual friend who was coaching me through um some life stuff. And then she's like, okay, I don't need any more hours. I'm done. And I was like, wait, I just quit my corporate job. You can't like leave me now. And I will never forget. She said, well, I have a friend. He is wrapping up his coaching and looking for some hours. And I really think it would be good for you to be coached by a man because you don't trust men. And I was like, whoa. Yeah.
Speaker: And she was right, but I could feel myself start to get defensive. And I'm like, man, she's right. Because I could see it um when I was living by myself, um,
Speaker: I would come into contact with you know different guys and they would just genuinely ask me like, hi, how are you? And I could not look them in the eye. And I was like, what is this? what am What am I doing? Why am I acting so weird? So again, I was just like, okay, let's dig into this. What is this? And she was right. I didn't have um trust and I was basing every future relationship on how my ex was. So I was like, okay, not every man is going to hurt you or do XYZ? How can I be more open? What in my heart feels like it's not safe to be open again?
Speaker: So um him and I built this question. i Yes, right. And I remember Like it was when I was doing yoga, um there was, I had this experience where it was almost like this, it felt like something had happened in my heart space area and I just lost it. I started crying in the middle of class and it just felt like something in me shifted. And I just knew, i didn't know how to describe it, but I was like, it feels like my heart is like, okay, we're taking off all our armor It's safe. And then within maybe two weeks, um, when my partner and I, we started, um having conversations outside of the coaching and then the coaching ended. And then i was like, I kind of want to still get to know him. How do I do this? What do I say? so I emailed him and was like, hi, um I just wanted to say like, I've loved our conversations and I would like to continue them, but not as coach and client. And he was like, okay, sure. Let's hop on a call.
Speaker: And so our coaching had ended. And so I wanted to get to know him more. And we had so many things in common. He was on his own healing journey. He didn't even live in the state I lived in, but something in me, it never came up as like a challenge or an issue. It was just like an inner knowing of like, this is someone I need in my life or I i desire to have in my life. And um right before that kind of heart opening moment,
Speaker: for me or right after it, I noticed I was changing the way I treated myself. And it was interesting. like One morning I took myself out to breakfast and then I went to the farmer's market and bought myself flowers. And that's not something I typically do, but I was just in this like lovey phase. And I, it was almost like I was dating myself and like doing these kind things, like cooking these nurturing meals, which I am not a cook. And I was like, what am I, this is so interesting. Like what?
Speaker: are you doing? Yep, yep. It was like being in that energy of receiving love. And I was giving it to myself first. And then again, it just felt like my heart was like, okay, it's safe to be open.
Speaker: And then just connecting with my partner, like when we would talk, it would just flowed. It was so easy. um and again, from day one, we were very open with each other because we both valued, we had come from failed relationships and he had taken time to work on himself. So it was like, if we're going to do this, let's be open in our communication and be honest with each other and just build this thing from trust.
Speaker: And that's what we did. it's so funny. You're doing these different like what I heard and what I gathered from that story is you're doing these different things where you're relating to yourself differently. But then it's so funny just it like internally. Right. And where you're going the farmer's market and taking yourself out to breakfast and cooking these nurturing meals.
Speaker: And then externally, it's showing up where. I mean, Ashley, dang, girl, that is a really fucking vulnerable thing to ask your coach to have like a different type of relationship. Oh, yeah. i I've had that moment as well. i'm Not in a romantic way, but just as like I would like to continue as friends. Yeah. You know, actually a coach broke up with me in that way once too, which was, which was beautiful and kind of exactly what I needed. And then understanding these different dynamics, like when I do need a coach that I know that they would be specifically really great at, I'm like, we're shifting into back into this and knowing how to communicate that where there's not boundaries or like you said, like self-betrayal is huge or betrayal of the relationship. So Yeah, it's it's so funny. You're saying like, oh, wow, I was doing some really different things. But going from codependence to like shining or, you know, dimming your light to literally externally asking like, would we can we change the dynamic of our relationship is like, I mean, that's huge. I'm so thank you so much for sharing that. That's so vulnerable. And so um I don't know I think that's going to unlock a lot in our listeners. So thank you.
Speaker: Yeah. And it was, I never planned on it. And I was never in my past relationships, I was not the girl who would be, i was not never the pursuer. And so for me, but I couldn't, like, we had just such deep conversations outside of like our coaching calls that I was like, oh my gosh, like,
Speaker: And one time we were talking and I just, I heard myself giggle and I stopped and I was like, I don't think I've giggled like that since I was like 14. And I was like, what is happening to me? And I was like, do I have a crush on him? So then I'd like tell my friends, I'm like, oh my gosh, I think I have a crush on this guy. What do I do? And then I'm like, no, maybe it's just because we have good conversations. Maybe it's just because I feel like I can be myself. And I'm like, wait a second. Conversations are really fucking sexy.
Speaker: ah the says Yes, yes, yeah yes, yes. and And, it's interesting too, because. Again, it it I wasn't looking for it.
Speaker: And I don't think there was like a chemistry feeling the first time I met him. i think it evolved over time. and he is different than, um i guess, I don't want to say types. Like, ah again, at that point, I was just so open. And I never would have thought like, oh, this is going to end up in a romantic relationship. But I just kept tuning into how I felt when I would talk to him and how like, I'm like, wow, like I want to get to know him more. And it felt like me listening to that intuitive hit, listening to my heart.
Speaker: And again, I wasn't in my head about it. Like this guy lives in Washington state. How is this going to work? He doesn't even live here. it was just like, this feels good. This feels safe and it feels easy.
Speaker: And that's something with this relationship is um he ended up moving to the state that I live in and we've been together for over two years now. And it just is a different feeling because I was used to chaotic relationships. And just because i built up a tolerance, I'll say, and figured out how to survive and live in those kind of chaotic relationships,
Speaker: it's like I put that version of me down. You know, it was like, I see you old version and I have compassion for everything you've gone through. But now I'm calling in love that doesn't feel like chaos. I'm calling in love that feels safe and that not only can I be myself,
Speaker: and not question things, but my partner celebrates who I am. And my partner now, I mean, he's like, I just want to see you shine bright. Like when you do X, Y, Z, like you just light up and I, I just love seeing you in that light and like whatever I can do to, you know, keep this going. And I'm like, I have never been in a supportive relationship like that. So just I would just say have hope because I never thought I was like, oh, you know, like what? I guess I'm just going to go live in a castle with some cats like Enya does. Like, I'm going to do that. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but i was right I wasn't seeking it out. And I was like, I was almost to the point where I was okay with just being alone. And again, I just kept being curious about why I felt so defensive and noticing when I couldn't make eye contact with people. Like, what was it and how can I fix that? Like, what is this self-worth? Why don't I want to be seen by others? Or why do I feel I cannot be seen?
Speaker: So those are- I have chills all over my body with the eye contact quote that you just said. Yes, yes. Why can't I make eye contact with this person? It's, oh, that is huge.
Speaker: Huge. Yeah. Well, Ashley, thank you so much for coming today and yeah sharing your story. um it's It's so inspiring and I know it will inspire others and- um I do, before we drop off today, i just wanted to check in with you. Is there anything else you have coming that you'd like to promote? um I know that you've you've had a lot of changes, I guess, in your business with um the the readings, the record readings that you're doing. I personally had one. i can attest that that it was incredibly helpful. But yeah, i would just love to know where can we find you? What would you like to put out there in the world at this moment?
Speaker: Yeah, sure. um So my website is ashlightenment.com. And on there, I list events that are coming up um in the future, next year, plan on doing some retreats.
Speaker: And yes, I do. I have added Akashic Record Sessions. So that is really fun. And I really love that because, um let's see, it's, kind it's like, I'm able to connect with your, Akashic records guides spirit team to help provide some clarity and guidance. Nothing new. a lot of times it's things you're already feeling, already sensing, and it's almost like confirmation. So in these sessions, um, my intuitive gifts are heightened and I share what's coming through and also allow for integration time afterwards. So we can kind of unpack everything that comes up in the session. But, um, yeah, I just, on my website, you'll see lots of ways that I hold space for others. I hold space in one-on-ones. I hold space in small groups and large gatherings as well. Um,
Speaker: So i just I just love holding space for people. And again, a lot of the stuff that i um put out there is just what I needed when I was going through my really difficult times and seeing where I am now versus where I was. i just want to let more people, especially women, know that you know that it's safe to be that embodied version of yourself. It's safe to shine and brighter. And there are people in romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships that align with you when you shine bright.
Speaker: That is the truth, my friend. I love that. Well, thank you so much again. And so excited to see you in a few weeks. yeah um If you're interested, do you still have openings for Activate?
Speaker: Yes. Yes. And so on my website, they can there's information for Activate as well. It is being held in Kansas City. October 16th. It's a Friday night and it is a three hour experience. So yes, anyone who wants to come, of course, you're more than welcome. um Yeah.
Speaker: Excellent. Yeah. Come hang out with me and Ashley. DJ Taz. Yeah. So exciting. All right. Thank you. And as I say to my listeners every time, thank you so much for being here today. Take care of yourself. And instead of have a great day, have a healthy family. Bye-bye.
