Transcript
Speaker: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Family Calm Flow podcast. I am your host, as always, Julie Marie, family dynamics coach and founder of Family Calm Flow.
Speaker: And I am so grateful and happy that you joined us here today.
Speaker: Today I'm recording from my office and feeling just all kinds of extra cozy today. We had a lot of rain recently the past few days, but today is not a cloud in the sky, bright and sunny, and fall is beginning, which is so exciting.
Speaker: Fall can be such a grounding time and today as I'm recording, looking outside my window at the leaves starting to change and again the gorgeous sunny sky.
Speaker: I'm starting to feel really grounded into fall myself, which is exactly how I want to feel. We actually, my both of my kiddos at the beginning of the school year, they both started at two completely new different schools, which was honestly pretty dysregulating for me as an individual, but also for all four of us as a family unit.
Speaker: And even though all of those transitions went really well and smoothly, obviously there's lots of big feelings for everyone to be feeling. And it's just even if you're not feeling lots of feelings with a big adjustment like that, it can be really disorienting to your routine and your family schedule. And I would say now, now that we're a month in, that is also adding to my grounding today. And I'm so grateful that we just are finally feeling the groove as a family with this new routine. I wouldn't say we're quite there yet where it's automatic, but it is feeling starting to feel more normal and more grounding. And I can just sense that in my kids and both Ray and I have have acknowledged that we're, we're starting to to find a calm in that way.
Speaker: Interestingly enough, I had actually already planned on having a podcast like this about how difficult feelings can be moved through your family or how they already move through your family and want to just touch on those subjects. However, the universe had different plans for me. And now I have this excellent example for something that happened to all of us this weekend in my family that really I thought would be just a a great example to give before really diving deep into the question of where do the difficult feelings in your family system go and how do they move?
Speaker: So it's back to school time here. And of course, there's always a school supplier or two that you forget that, you know, you thought you had everything at the beginning of the year and you are proven wrong.
Speaker: But my family and I went to the store the store and a big department store that's you know everything you need type of store here in the U.S. that everyone probably has been to one at one point there or another because we yeah we were going to get some school supplies and some snacks for the kids I don't know if other parents feel this way but I know for me personally I always think that I am on point with my snack game for the kiddos and they always prove me wrong.
Speaker: i I mean, they are growing kids and they are always hungry. And I just feel like at their ages right now, they're just little adorable garbage disposals, which is perfectly fine by me, but I always feel behind in the snack game. so Yes. So here we are at the store getting school supplies and getting snacks.
Speaker: And anyone who has little kids or ever had little kids know when you go into the store with him, things can be very unpredictable and sometimes totally chaotic.
Speaker: When we had first gotten into the store, Ray told me you know he had to go to the bathroom and my five-year-old could not stand still. And my one-year-old was screaming to like alluding, you know, move move the stroller, mom. Like I'm not cool with just...
Speaker: standing here. so so when Ray went to the bathroom, I walked straight into the store and had, you know, my oldest follow me. And we just started just perusing and browsing, not really actually shopping for the goodies that we needed, but just kind of trying to kill time before Ray got back and we could be strategic with our, with our little list.
Speaker: And as we're going about shopping, all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off in the department store.
Speaker: It was really loud and there were a lot of bright lights shining or or going off as well on the ceilings. And to be honest, the store we were at was...
Speaker: In an area where there can sometimes be a higher crime rate than the surrounding areas around it. So at first, I thought, oh, you know, this is odd and this is probably an accident. It will go off in a moment. But then I look at the front of the store and there was a mom who was really telling her older kids, like, run, you know, get out of here. And it immediately put me in a state of fight or flight where I was thinking, you know, oh, shit.
Speaker: You know, I don't I don't know what's going on. Is this mom seeing something? I'm not. But it is probably the best call to to get out of the store anyways. So my five year old is I would say highly sensitive.
Speaker: And I mean that in the most loving way possible because I am also highly sensitive. Ray is highly sensitive. The word's still out on my youngest. We'll see. But potentially we have a fully highly sensitive family.
Speaker: But my oldest was really on high alert and did not like how loud the fire alarm was in addition to how bright the flashing lights were. And i i will say i stayed calm. I don't know if that's a coping mechanism that happens to you you. just kind of, even if you're in fight or flight yourself, if you need to stay calm for your own kids as a parent, you Again, I don't know if this is just something that happens once you become a parent.
Speaker: You just kind of go into this survival calm mode to reassure your children that they are safe. So...
Speaker: I grabbed my youngest from the stroller, pick her up, and look at my oldest and just say, we're going to leave the store. And I also grabbed my purse because I knew, and my cell phone was in it, and I knew that Ray was going to call me as soon as he was able to not knowing exactly where he was.
Speaker: But as calm as I could be, my oldest is too smart to know that this is a rare event. This is not something that we have normally run into. She's never been a fan of loud fire alarms anyways to begin with. And she can also tell, you know, we're leaving the stroller behind. We're leaving the diaper bag behind. She even said, you know, what about the stuff we were going to buy? And she was really starting to feel or or to be very dysregulated.
Speaker: And was feeling a lot of fear.
Speaker: The entrance of this store, in order to get in, you have to go up an escalator or stairs. The elevator was closed, seeing as the fire alarm was going off. And once we, and that was also why I didn't bring the stroller along. But once we arrived there, the fire alarm had immediately gone off.
Speaker: And my oldest just started bawling. You know, she was really she was really broken up and having a hard time. And immediately she started asking a million questions.
Speaker: And right after that, I get my phone is ringing. It's Ray. He's like, hey, yeah are you guys OK? i say, yes, we are. However, just gently and respectfully alluding to.
Speaker: But we're also having a hard time right now. And he just asked, you know, where are you in the store? and I said, women's clothing. And he was like, well, we'll be, I'll be right there. Knowing that my oldest was, was the one really struggling
Speaker: So a few minutes later, he comes and, you know, I'm kneeling on the floor holding my one-year-old, but also really trying to get down on the ground and face-to-face with my oldest as she's processing something that felt really scary to her.
Speaker: And Ray comes over and we're all chatting about how, you know, we don't know exactly why the fire alarm went off, but we can understand how scary it was. And she was asking specifically, why are there lights? And we explained that as well.
Speaker: And a really kind and sweet worker at the store actually came over and could tell how much of a hard time that my daughter was having.
Speaker: And she actually was so great in reassuring my daughter that, hey, you know, this was just an accident. We don't know exactly what happened. I think someone pulled down or pushed the button and they shouldn't have and they shouldn't have done that. And and so getting more clarity on that, I could tell was really calming my daughter.
Speaker: Shout out to that wonderful worker who was just so patient with her. And so, you know, the four of us, so i was getting the youngest back into the stroller and we just said, I know that was really scary, but do you want to keep shopping? You can pick out some snacks. You can pick out the school supplies that you need.
Speaker: And again, a homeostasis was coming around. However, then someone came over the loudspeaker and said, due to an emergency, we are required to evacuate the building.
Speaker: And that was probably more shocking than the fire alarm going off because the especially the worker was very reassuring of, hey, this was just an accident. And I'm not sure exactly what their protocol is.
Speaker: I'm glad that in and ah an abundance of caution, they made everyone evacuate the building. So the four of us leave the building and there are a couple of fire trucks outside of the building as well of lots of first responders.
Speaker: Thankfully, they were going in very lackadaisically. Again, I'm hoping, i mean, we looked it up and there was nothing in the news or no clarification of what went on. I don't think that there was a true emergency there. It was it was probably what what the wonderful worker of the store said is that it was an accident and they were just going by protocol.
Speaker: However, we did not know for sure. Again, the area we were in is there is a higher crime rate in the area we were in. However, because we had to evacuate, my daughter was really having a hard time. She just, her anxiety was through the roof.
Speaker: And as we're walking down the street and she's asking us a million questions, I'm starting to realize that my anxiety is also through the roof and I can sense in Ray that his anxiety is through the roof as well.
Speaker: Obviously, as parents, your number one priority is the well-being of your children. And so we were a little bit in low-level survival mode where it was like, hey, just get these kids out of this store. And then once they Things seem to be calm for a couple of moments. Let's help our daughter regulate and understanding that this was just an accident. There was nothing to worry about. However, I remember while I was getting gathering the kids and we were evacuating when the fire alarm first went off, I did have the thoughts of why is this alarm going off? And
Speaker: Is there a fire? Unfortunately, in the U.S., there can be acts, you know, acts of violence. There's mass shootings. I know it's a very rare event, but they happen. i was wondering if, again, the area...
Speaker: has a higher crime rate, you know, was there an act of violence that was going on or was there an unsafety, a robbery, anything going I know it's it's all scary stuff that's mostly not probably happening, but as a highly sensitive person and even just as a parent, your brain goes to those places. And I also remember actually shelving the thought of, Ray okay? And thinking,
Speaker: I don't have time to think about this right now. I have to get these kids out of this store. And even though I grabbed for my phone because I knew he would call me right away, I didn't know where he was in this store. So was he able to get out as well?
Speaker: And my not my nerves were shot. And even processing this with Ray afterwards, he said the same thing. He was like, I was alone. I was very concerned about where you and the kids were. If there was something of danger going on, were you in proximity to it?
Speaker: It was nerve wracking.
Speaker: You never want to think about worst case scenario, but in those situations, it's impossible not to.
Speaker: We were not going to go back into the store. we were just going to postpone our shopping date that day, probably go home, have lunch, reconvene.
Speaker: ever you know Kids have quiet time and nap time.
Speaker: And our car was parked in a parking garage a couple blocks away from the store. So we just slowly started making our way back to the car. And as that was going on, again, my five-year-old is really having a tough time and high anxiety, having a little bit of a meltdown here and there, and asking 10,000 million questions about what what happened.
Speaker: And in order to find some sense of safety for herself, she was asking specifics of, do you think this happened? Do you think that happened? I think she wanted to know the certainty so she could lay it down to rest.
Speaker: And our mindset is we don't really want to lie to her anymore. Because, and and sometimes, especially at that age, there's no judgments if there's parents listening on here who are like, oh, i've i've told I've lied to my kids before at times. And I think this was just a scenario that we did not want to. We didn't feel the need to. And to be frank, there have been times that we have lied to her and she...
Speaker: is too sensitive and picks up on that for, and also i was also that child. So I, I cannot fault her for that. Or anyone who is that way.
Speaker: However, you know, I i will say it was triggering to hear all of her questions, to be engulfed by her high anxiety when I had not processed my own anxiety and my own experience whatsoever.
Speaker: Of questioning, are we safe? Do we have to get out of here? Do I have to protect these kids? And where is my spouse? My family is not all together here.
Speaker: All of those fears ran through my body as well.
Speaker: And at first, I really think Ray and I did a great job of calmly answering her questions that in a way that was developmentally appropriate for her to understand, saying, we're not sure exactly what happened, but we do think it was an accident. And they're just being extra cautious, making sure the first responders and the fire people came in.
Speaker: But that we would make sure that we checked the news to see if there was any specifics about something that happened. And if there had been, Ray and I would have decided what we shared with her and what we didn't. But there actually had wasn't anything, which, again, led us to believe that...
Speaker: there It was just an accident. And actually, we have some friends who live nearby close to that area. And it seemed like that was the official confirmed rumor, at least, that there was a kid who I think accidentally hit the fire alarm button. And that was what happened. But again, protocol is that they needed the first responders to come anyways.
Speaker: But as the my kiddo is, no and none of the answers are satisfying her and the anxiety seems to be going up and up.
Speaker: I could feel the tension that was going on before between the three of us or potentially even the four of us. My youngest is still a little bit too young to fully understand what she's feeling and going through.
Speaker: And Ray and I, I think, just kind of looked at each other and I we were feeling the pull to. For lack of a better word, shut her up.
Speaker: I think that that was what we both came from when there was an anxious event that went on or an event where there were some difficult feelings that went on when we were growing up.
Speaker: If we had lots of questions about those things and our parents or caregivers had not processed their own stress in that stressful situation, then we were told to shut up in in in different ways. Maybe not exactly those those words, but just kind of don't think about it.
Speaker: It's fine. Stop worrying about it. And i know that those the types of communication those types of communication don't really work. those Those don't reassure anyone. And they always say, you know, if you tell an angry person to calm down or an anxious person to calm down, that is just going to make them more angry or more anxious. Yeah.
Speaker: But wanting to be intentional and having healthier communication and healthier dynamics in our family, i knew that I needed to create a sense of emotional safety for my oldest where I cut through her questions and I said to her, and I also needed to do this, I want to note this, for my own nervous system.
Speaker: And I said to her, you know, i was feeling really scared too. I didn't like how loud the fire alarm was either. i just wanted to have a nice morning where we got to shop and have fun as a family.
Speaker: And that really scared me too. I don't really like knowing not knowing the answers either.
Speaker: And Ray very simply said, i didn't like feeling scared and not being near you guys.
Speaker: And that is when the calm came in and the groundedness came in and when everyone started to regulate.
Speaker: My daughter still had all of her questions and she did still have some nerves. And I also knew that later, but i think once we got in the car even, I had mentioned to Ray I need to talk about this myself.
Speaker: And once the kids were in nap time and quiet time, we conversed about this as adults, where I even said to him how incredibly terrified I was for a moment of...
Speaker: Was there something violent going on? And it was it was really terrifying. And it and it all the what if scenarios came into my mind. And he had the same reaction and needed to to talk about his what if scenarios as well.
Speaker: But we could not go into those specific details. I didn't really feel like that was developmentally appropriate for my five-year-old. But I did still think it was necessary to acknowledge that everyone in our family at that moment was feeling stressed out and was feeling anxious. And we all had been scared together in different ways.
Speaker: Now I want to say, i don't know if we handled this perfectly or whatever the fuck that means.
Speaker: But I do think we communicated together. We're all humans. And this this was hard. And I also think it communicated we were all scared together. However, we're all together now.
Speaker: And even when we're scared together, were all we were all together hopefully create a sense of camaraderie and belongingness despite the fact that we get dysregulated sometimes or there are stressful events sometimes.
Speaker: It's been days since this event occurred and my daughter is still asking us questions about this event. We are anticipating that when the next time we go to the store, she is going to be nervous and pointing to the fire alarms because that is...
Speaker: I guess, a coping mechanism she's had before in the past. I mean, obviously she might change it up. it This did not, I want to say, communicating this way did not get rid of the stressful feelings.
Speaker: However, the stressful feelings were processed.
Speaker: And this whole situation made me see one, there's lots of different ways, one healthier way that difficult emotions and feelings can move through a family versus ways that they can not move through a family or move in an unhealthy way that creates an unhealthy dynamic.
Speaker: I also think a scenario like this start start really helping, and i've I've seen this in clients, but could really help individuals have really inquisitive questions that could potentially be the route and the route to helping shift your family into functioning from a dysfunctional way into a more healthier and functional way.
Speaker: Upon reflection of this story, and again, i mean this as just one example, we are never going to be a perfect family.
Speaker: We do not know what we're doing all of the time, but I want it to be known that It can be really freeing to have conversations about where really tough emotions and stress goes and how it gets moved through your family system.
Speaker: Here are some questions that I think could be helpful to ask yourself. How did the stream or flow of difficult feelings and circumstances move through your family when you were a child?
Speaker: And if you, when you were a child, if you looked for comfort in grownups, were the grownups able to be there for the children? If they weren't, why exactly do you think that they felt stressful, stressed out in particular situations themselves?
Speaker: Did they have other grownups surrounding them to regulate with? Did they have the support to regulate with?
Speaker: And if they didn't, then where did the feelings of anxiety and stress get passed down?
Speaker: Who shoved down those feelings? Who let them bubble up in maybe some confusing ways?
Speaker: If the feelings were felt and dealt with, how would that affect a dynamic in the family?
Speaker: And if stressful feelings were not felt and dealt with, how did those bubble up into those dynamics in your family as well?
Speaker: when there was a stressful event that occurred in your childhood or maybe even now in your present family, whether it was something on the lower end, which could be the fire alarm going off in a department store, to something really extreme like an addiction or a loss or a betrayal.
Speaker: Or maybe a really subtle and really unhealthy way that you and your family members have all related to one way or another without having the words to ever acknowledge it for as long as you can remember. When a stressful event occurred, where exactly did the anxiety go or flow amongst your family?
Speaker: Would dad be holding on to it and would it turn into anger? Would that in turn make him shut out your mom where then your mom was holding on to it and then she couldn't hold on to it any longer so she gave it to or lashed out at the kids?
Speaker: And then where did it go amongst the kids? Did it get dispersed amongst the children or did the kids find solitude and camaraderie amongst each other?
Speaker: Did you all pretend that none of you were feeling anxiety? Or did you all sit there and let it be in the air where then only one or multiple people in the family were the ones holding it?
Speaker: When anxiety or stress wasn't felt amongst your family system, Did it come out or play out in other ways that perhaps seemed unrelated, like projection, deflection, or an unspoken hierarchy amongst all of you?
Speaker: Or perhaps it got passed around like a football on a football field and avoided, or no one wanted to take it all the way to the end zone where it was felt or dealt with.
Speaker: would anxiety or stress get acknowledged at all? And if multiple family members held onto it, why specifically those family members versus the others?
Speaker: Or perhaps it was one lonesome soul who held onto it and felt the intensity of it, and then whenever they tried to speak about it, was labeled unsteady or crazy or a little off.
Speaker: And then it was never spoken about. Or perhaps anxiety and stress were something that were spoken about in your home or amongst your family system.
Speaker: But it wasn't maybe spoken about in a way that felt healthy and grounding for you. Or maybe it wasn't spoken about enough.
Speaker: Is how difficult feelings flowed through your family been different in different stages of your life? And perhaps the family that you have started now, how does it function with difficult feelings now?
Speaker: Is it different than your family of origin? Would you like it to be different than your family of origin?
Speaker: Did unspoken or unacknowledged stresses and anxiety morph into different individuals within the family playing specific roles
Speaker: that didn't really serve them and kind of made everybody function in a dysfunctional way together?
Speaker: These are a lot of intense and perhaps even confusing questions. to ask yourself. However, like I said, i really think that these deep questions can get to the crux of a family functioning in a way that isn't really working for them and can really help in shifting how a family can function and relate to one another in healthier ways where everyone does feel more loved, more grounded, more seen and heard.
Speaker: And learning to communicate in those ways can be very difficult. But again, that's why we're here at Family ComFlow.
Speaker: I'd love to hear amongst our listeners how this podcast specifically landed for you and in answering some of these questions or reflecting on some of these questions for yourself, what came up for you and maybe what's making you excited in seeing that, oh, wait, I i have more knowledge about this. I have more words for this. I can acknowledge this more and shift into a healthier way of being with a particular family member or members, plural.
Speaker: I'd love to hear more about that. You can visit us at www.familyconflow.org and go to our contact page and reach out. We'd love to hear what you have to say.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening today. And oh, I want to, this is going be the first podcast where I end with my new tagline that we came up with, which is,
Speaker: Instead of have a great day have a healthy family. Take care, everybody.
